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Announcer
This is an iHeart podcast. Guaranteed Human new school year, new routines, and somehow your calendar is already full. When life gets hectic, cauliflower's got your back. We make the food you crave made better for you. Like thin and crispy cauliflower crust pizzas, all natural chicken tenders and nostalgic pizza snacks ready in minutes in something the whole family can agree on. Cauliflower is available in freezer aisles nationwide. Visit eatcolipower.com to find a store near you. Season two of unrivaled basketball is here and the talent is unreal. Paige Beckers, Nafiza Collier, Kelsey Plumb, Brianna Stewart and more are back to redefine the game. Unrivaled basketball season two, sponsored by Samsung Galaxy, tips off January 5th on TNT, TruTV and HBO Max.
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David Borch
Who wouldn't?
CarMax Advertiser
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Langston Kerman
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David Borch
Mini episode.
Langston Kerman
Mini episode.
David Borch
Mini episode.
Langston Kerman
Yep, yep, yep. There it is. There it is. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to another phenomenal mini episode of My Mama Told Me.
David Borch
The podcast where we dive deep into the pockets of black conspiracy theories and.
Langston Kerman
We finally work to prove the theories that you, the listener, have at home. It's your time, baby.
David Borch
Yes, superstar.
Langston Kerman
You're a goddamn. You're a goddamn angel. And you know what we want to hear what you gotta say.
David Borch
We love you.
Langston Kerman
We love you. You're special to us. We'll go down on you. Fuck it, we'll go down on you.
David Borch
We'll flip it over. We'll go to the back, too.
Langston Kerman
Why not? Why not? If we feel the way we feel about you, why wouldn't we?
David Borch
Smack it up, flip it, rub it down. Oh, no. I'm David Bore.
Langston Kerman
And I'm Langston Kerman. And, boy, is that a greeting we need to learn to replicate, huh? Should we do that on every episode?
David Borch
I think that's about as good as it's gonna get. Yeah.
Langston Kerman
Smack it up, flip it, rub it down. Oh, no. I'm David Borch. What a fucking way to introduce yourself. Yeah.
David Borch
You don't know where I'm coming from.
Langston Kerman
Not at all. I will say that we've gotten a few messages. Last time we spoke, I believe we talked about a bit of a debate you and I had about the math from driving from Denver to the middle of Wyoming. The undecided middle of Wyoming. Right. And I have now gotten three, I think upwards of three emails from various listeners who all wanted to make it clear that you, David, were in fact correct about yes, sir.
David Borch
And I don't even drive like that.
Langston Kerman
A person named Asia said, hey, David and Langston, love the podcast. Keep up the good work. David, you never said we're in the middle of Wyoming. So I picked Riverton. On a good day, Denver to Riverton is 349 miles via I80 west or US 287 North. A 2006 Honda Civic, basic model, no Fast, no Furious. Has a fuel tank capacity of 13.2 gallons and gets 30 miles per gallon in the city and 40 on the highway. We're going to use 30 because ain't no way we're going to risk it and run on fumes in the middle of Wyoming. If you're driving from a full tank, 396 miles per tank, you can make it to Riverton with 47 miles left on empty. If this math is wrong. Oh, well. But I'm pretty sure it. It is. Any bi bitches what Asia wrote. And to all of that, I say fuck you, Asia. You didn't have to do none of that. You could have. Mind your motherfucking business. Stay the fuck out of grown folks business, Asia. Fuck you. Fuck. Fuck Carol. Fuck Phaedra. Cause Phaedra had a whole bunch to say about this shit. Talking about 294 miles from Denver to Jefferson City. Fuck all y'. All. I don't give a shit.
David Borch
I thank you all. You guys are great. I appreciate you Doing math, calculating in the lab. Whatever you had to do to cause. You could be wrong. I don't know, but I trust you. That's what I got to say about that.
Langston Kerman
You could be wrong, but I don't know. I trust you.
David Borch
Yeah, it feels right.
Langston Kerman
Yeah. I didn't care for you dorks involving yourselves at all, but you're the one who does. Appreciate you listening. We're big fans.
David Borch
You're mad at these dorks for doing research. You're the one who does the research for this pod.
Langston Kerman
Yeah, but only to my advantage. Not. Not for other people to sauce on me. You know what I mean?
David Borch
Oh, that's fair. They were saucing.
Langston Kerman
They were saucing. They. She started. She said if a train is traveling at 136 miles per hour in one direction. You know what I mean? She hit me with some fucking word problems.
David Borch
Yeah, there was a lot to unpack there, man. God bless it. I gotta drive to Wyoming now. Get some fireworks.
Langston Kerman
Get some fireworks. That's right. You said that's the big thing for Wyoming for y'. All.
David Borch
Yeah, I mean, I guess, I assume there's some type of industry, but for me it was mostly for fireworks.
Langston Kerman
I want to get into this unrelated, I guess, conspiracy theory. Oh, this is another thing that I should address before we get into the conspiracy theory. I also received a message and this relates to our conversations around milk. We remember we were talking about the dangers of milk recently. And unrelated, a person named Brian sent me a message about my puffy nipples. Maybe you remember we had a. I do remember that discussion about puffy nipples as well.
David Borch
I'll never forget.
Langston Kerman
Brian said I too used to suffer from puffy nipples. Until one day I read a Darwin D's blog post that talked about how he used to be badly afflicted with acne until he quit dairy. So I did the same. And not only did my acne clear up, but my nipples calmed the fuck down. I figured it was because I no longer. Was no longer secondhanding some sort of nipple based hormone and because I was lactose intolerant. My conspiracy theory. Milk can fuck you up. Love the podcast. Thanks. That's from Brian. I don't.
David Borch
I think that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Langston Kerman
I think it's. I think there's legitimacy to what Brian's saying.
David Borch
It tracks like he did the research.
Langston Kerman
Yeah, no, he. He did the experiment on himself. He gave up the milk and them titties turned to better titties.
David Borch
Went flat on them.
Langston Kerman
Yeah. And there's nothing wrong if you got Puffy nipples. You know, there's no shame in it.
David Borch
Yeah. Don't ever feel bad about your poofy nipples.
Langston Kerman
Yeah, but. But still, you know, you could change it. You could do something about it, and I'm gonna try to do something about it now. Thank you, Brian, for your inspiration.
David Borch
Yeah, you should, like, track your nipple pu.
Langston Kerman
Yeah, I'm going to get a real small ruler, and.
David Borch
You take every pictures every day for a month.
Langston Kerman
I'm going to make an inspirational Instagram account for the titties that I transformed my titties into.
David Borch
Oh, man. Put like a grind, hustle and motivate.
Langston Kerman
Yeah, exactly.
David Borch
Yeah, I like that. But for titties going down.
Langston Kerman
And then after a while, I'll start getting sponsorships for things that have nothing to do with puffy nipples. You know what I mean? It'll.
David Borch
Yeah, it'll be.
Langston Kerman
It'll just be like, temporary tattoos that are, like, asking me to promote their shit. So. Yeah.
David Borch
Motor oil for less. Puffy nipples.
Langston Kerman
All right, I want to get into our actual big email for the day. This is. This came from a person who requested to remain anonymous.
David Borch
Really?
Langston Kerman
They. Yeah, they didn't want to share their name, and you'll see why pretty quickly. They. They sent a message. They said, hi. Hi, Langston and David. Please don't use my name. Smiley face. I love the show. And for all the silliness, YouTube really stimulate productive conversation about the effect of white supremacy on black people. I don't know if that was our goal, but I'm glad that that's what you're getting out of it.
David Borch
I also don't think you've heard the last episode.
Langston Kerman
We were open. We were aiming for chaos. We weren't really trying to fix nothing.
David Borch
That's fair.
Langston Kerman
That's fair. But. But that said, it means the world to us that. That you feel that way. They went on to say, my conspiracy theory that I've been quietly spreading for months is that black families with lots of kids become Jehovah's Witnesses to avoid purchasing Christmas and birthday gifts. They realize they should. They could still love Jesus and not have to buy into commercialism or Hollywood or holidays or birthdays. Please find some examples to support this idea below. Serena Williams family. Donald Glover's family. Michael Jackson's family. I rest my case.
David Borch
Man, that feels. That feels pretty possible to me.
Langston Kerman
Yeah.
David Borch
I've never known somebody who was like. It was just me and my single mom. We were Jehovah's Witnesses.
Langston Kerman
Right, Right.
David Borch
It's always. There was always 12 of them or something.
Langston Kerman
Yeah, it's always a fuck ton of kids that are Jehovah's Witnesses.
David Borch
Like, they're buying vans. You know what I mean?
Langston Kerman
I like how you made it seem like it's a fleet of vans just to move these children from school to. Not holiday parties.
David Borch
You never grew up with. Like, you never had weird van families.
Langston Kerman
We did have weird van families. It was rarely a fleet. But I, I hear you that they're talking about. Yeah, they had like a, a minivan that was much older than it seemed like it should be.
David Borch
Yeah. Yeah. And then there was just like 8 LDS kids packed in there at all times.
Announcer
Season two of unrivaled basketball is here, and the talent is unreal. The best women's players on the planet are running it back with even bigger moments and bigger stakes. Don't miss as Paige Beckers, Nafiza Collier, Kelsey Plumb, Brianna Stewart and more take the court and redefine the game. This isn't your regular season. This is unrivaled, where the pace is faster, the energy is higher, and every athlete shines. Unrivaled basketball season two, sponsored by Samsung Galaxy, tips off January 5th on TNT, TruTV and HBO Max.
Langston Kerman
Hey, audiobook lovers. This week on the podcast I'm sitting down with musician, producer and walking encyclopedia Questlove. We're talking about Mark Ronson's memoir, Night how to be a DJ in 90s New York City. All right, like we talked about before, Mark Ronson found sanctuary in the DJ booth. What's a tool or piece of equipment in the studio or on stage that gives you the most control?
David Borch
So I have two microphones on stage. We have the microphone that you hear as the audience. Then we have a second microphone in which we communicate with each other. I feel like that second microphone kind of saved all of our friendships. No band likes each other after 20 years or 25 years. Like the Beatles broke up in seven and a half years and we're going on 35.
Langston Kerman
Listen to earsay the Audible and iheart audiobook club on the iheartradio app or wherever you get your podcasts.
CarMax Advertiser
Want to sell your car your way?
David Borch
Who wouldn't?
CarMax Advertiser
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Langston Kerman
My question, or at least what immediately popped in my head because I agree with you, it does feel like it holds a little bit of weight. Is my question is, do the kids come before for. Or are they a byproduct of like, Jehovah Witness practices? Right. Because I think some of it is also like. And maybe this is not true, but I think they're like, ah, you ain't gotta. Come on, man, you ain't gotta wear no condoms.
David Borch
Oh, they're fucking raw. I think that that's the main reason people become crazy religious is to fuck.
Langston Kerman
Is anti condom shit.
David Borch
Yeah. God says I don't have to wear one baby.
Langston Kerman
Yeah.
David Borch
Like, I think that's right. I mean, it's all about fucking. It's the same reason, like Mormons, they're polygamous because they like fucking a lot. Like, that's the whole. That's the thing, right? So, like, yeah. I cannot imagine Jehovah's Witnesses wear condoms or use any kind of birth control other than gravity.
Langston Kerman
Right. And so with that, I guess the question is, are you becoming Jehovah Witness afterwards or are you actually like, already that. And then all these kids become a part of it because y' all are just raw dogging each other.
David Borch
I bet it's later. I would. I would bet that it's like, damn, five. All right, we gotta do something. Yeah.
Langston Kerman
And it's like, fuck, who would make sure that we don't have to buy these kids gifts? Sweet Jehovah Jireh.
David Borch
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because what I. Cause that's the only thing I even know about Jehovah's Witnesses. Like, is it.
Langston Kerman
What's.
David Borch
What else is different about them? Like, are they just. Are they just Christians?
Langston Kerman
They believe that heaven has, like, a capacity that, like, there's It's a limited number of people that can get into heaven. And that's why they go door to door. Spreading the word is because, number one, they're trying to recruit new members. But number two, that is part of like their mission to earn their spot into heaven is by getting more people to believe in God.
David Borch
Okay, but if there's a capacity, couldn't they be like maxing out? What if like you, you bring 10 people in and then now there's no space for you?
Langston Kerman
That's always been my issue with it is like, I think the, the number is like 180 something thousand.
David Borch
That's not.
Langston Kerman
It feels like you already, the door's already shut. You know what I mean? Like, they're already being like, hey, no more. If you ain't got no girls with you, you can't come in at the door. You know what I'm saying?
David Borch
But that's why they got all those kids and wives. I brought 10 chicks.
Langston Kerman
Right? Right. I'm not showing up alone. We buying bottles.
David Borch
Peach Ciroc for me and all my family.
Langston Kerman
Right. You're saying right now we're at normal, but if you're willing to drop the bread, you can still get in the club. Right?
David Borch
Right. No, I mean. Cause yeah, I feel like it's definitely something that happens afterwards though. It's definitely. Like you have a few kids, money's getting tight. They got birthdays every year and like, let's say you have six kids evenly spaced out. That's a birthday every other month.
Langston Kerman
Yeah, that's not good. And I'll be.
David Borch
Plus holidays.
Langston Kerman
I'll be honest, I'm feeling anxiety just with my one child and buying a birthday gift, like something that's appropriate to a one year old and also is going to impress my wife enough not to make her feel like she needs to leave me. So it's like your life is hard. Yeah, no, it stinks. But having to do that six times a year, that's. And then Christmas, that's. That's crazy.
David Borch
Wait, what are you gonna get the 1 year old? Have you decided?
Langston Kerman
No, I haven't. I. I'm not, I'm not landed on nothing. But if you got pictures, I'm taking them baby jewelry. That's. See, that's the problem. My wife already got her like some bracelets and shit, so I'm.
David Borch
Shit.
Langston Kerman
Yeah, I'm coming in. You know, that would have been.
David Borch
Oh, you should buy some shit that you can't nail down. Like get her name a star after some dumb shit.
Langston Kerman
No, come on, man. That's a. That's a scam.
David Borch
Can't you, like, donate a tiger at the zoo or some in her name or some.
Langston Kerman
That's a scam you can only pull on, like, sick kids and grandmas. You can't. You can't do that to discerning adults who know. You know what I mean?
David Borch
It does sound like a scam. What are we gonna. What are you gonna get your daughter?
Langston Kerman
Yeah, I don't know, but. But I gotta figure it out and fast.
David Borch
Have you bronzed any of her? Shit.
Langston Kerman
Nah, nothing's bronzed yet.
David Borch
You should bronze something.
Langston Kerman
Okay, now I'm liking where you're heading.
David Borch
Yeah, that's a good idea.
Langston Kerman
Yeah. Dip some baby shoes in the first ones.
David Borch
Get the first ones you guys got. Whoever got, dip them in, I'll bronze it for you. I got a guy.
Langston Kerman
I got a bronzing guy.
David Borch
I got bronze, gold plated. Whatever you need.
Langston Kerman
Okay, well, let's talk after the podcast. We might be able to find something here.
David Borch
But as far as these Jehovah's Witnesses, man, because it just seems like, I don't know, a lot of everybody I've ever known that was Jehovah's Witnesses seemed to be some type of late life conversion via their parents. Like, I don't.
Langston Kerman
I.
David Borch
And maybe that's because I'm not close to the church, but I don't know a lot of people who are. Like, I grew up with it. Like, it seems like a lot of people grow up with it and then they leave that shit. Prince was having birthday parties.
Langston Kerman
Yeah, no, I. I've known a few people who grew up that way and then didn't stay committed to it. And then there are people who I knew who grew up that way. And.
David Borch
How many kids do they have?
Langston Kerman
A lot, actually.
David Borch
Oh, shit.
Langston Kerman
Okay. Yeah, they kept fucking. They were like, now that part's cool.
Announcer
Yeah.
Langston Kerman
They're like, I hear y' all on this. I just think maybe. Yeah, birthday party would be tight, too. But that said, I also have a family member or two who grew up that way and then were, like, excommunicated from the church. And that's like a real thing that the church tends to do. And it is one of the things. And Quinta is a person who grew up that way, but she. She's not the excommunication person. But. And she's talked about this, or she and I talked about this of, like, how it is one of those things that I do respect about their commitment to the religion where, like, if you do what they don't like, they kick you the fuck out. They don't, like, play that thing where they're like, nah, you can still save your soul. They're like, no, you ain't making the cut. Get the fuck out of here.
David Borch
I mean, I respect the discipline, for sure. I respect even the discipline of no birthdays and holidays. I even respect the discipline of that. I think there's a great case to be made for it. Right. I mean, but I think that it's like, it seems to be, like, based in frugality, being frugal, you know?
Langston Kerman
Yeah. It doesn't seem completely altruistic.
David Borch
Not at all. Not at all.
Langston Kerman
You're not just looking out for the kids greater good. By taking away birthdays, you. You truly are saving hundreds of dollars, if not thousands of dollars a year.
David Borch
Jesus celebrated holidays. Yeah.
Langston Kerman
Jesus loved a good holiday.
David Borch
Well, wait, are they. But are they. Do they read the Bible? Do they believe in, like, the covenant of the New Testament? Are they Old Testament people? I don't know.
Langston Kerman
I think they. I don't know a hundred percent, but I know that they, they read the Bible. I. I'm pretty sure that they're. They have like, their own extra chapter if I'm remembering.
David Borch
Oh, like the Catholic Apocrypha or whatever.
Langston Kerman
Yeah. It's similar to. That's essentially what Mormon situation is too. That, like, it's not that they don't read the same Bible, they just have some extra, like, stuff that they have.
David Borch
The stuff from the tablets, though.
Langston Kerman
Yeah. I don't know where it's from.
David Borch
He looked through the thing and Joseph Smith or whatever he was, he was a snake oil salesman. That's not what we're getting into, though. Everybody knows being a Mormon is a scam. They wear magic underwear. Jehovah's Witnesses. I do. I'm with this one. I'm with this one.
Langston Kerman
You respect the Jehovah's Witnesses, but you also acknowledge their frugality in their decision making.
David Borch
Yeah. And I think that's fine.
Langston Kerman
Okay, that's a good take on it. You're like, look. Yeah, I think you're right that they probably are turning to Jehovah's Witness beliefs in order to save money. But that doesn't make them any less committed because of the level of work that they're putting in to stay a part of the church.
David Borch
I couldn't have said it better myself.
Langston Kerman
All right, well, that seems legit to me. I think that's fair. If I have to go door to door and try to convince very angry people that my way of interpreting the Bible and religious text is correct, then yeah, I deserve not to buy my daughter a birthday gift.
David Borch
Exactly.
Langston Kerman
That seems. That seems fair. I don't got no issues with that. So, listener, anonymous listener, I hope this satisfies your theory. And I hope you've learned a lesson about judging the Jehovah's Witnesses unfairly. Maybe they're not cheap. Maybe they're just making necessary sacrifices for not going broke and raw dogging their wives.
David Borch
Exactly.
Langston Kerman
Well, we did it. All right. Bori, could you tell the people where they can find you what cool shit you have going on?
David Borch
You know, just go to. Just follow my Instagram Cool guy jokes 87 as always.
Langston Kerman
You can follow me at Langston Kerman and you can come see me at lyric Hyperion on September 15, and that's going to be a really fun show. And then you can see me in New York on September 19th at City Winery. And if you want to send us your own drops, your own conspiracy theories, if you want to accuse other religions of being cheap, you can send those theories to mymommapodmail.com we would love to hear from you. That's it. That's all. Bye.
David Borch
Mini episodes.
Langston Kerman
Mini episode.
David Borch
Motherfucking mini episode. Motherfucking mini episodes.
Langston Kerman
Many episodes.
David Borch
Motherfucking mini episodes.
Announcer
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David Borch
The clock's running out on December deal drops at Lowe's. But there's still time to wrap up something they'll love. Shop great gifts under $50 like the DeWalt Elite series. 100 piece bit set. Plus, if you order by 2pm you get same day delivery by 8pm Shop. December deal drops while you can. Lowe's we help you save.
Langston Kerman
Only one movie answers the call.
Announcer
Hello, it's me, SpongeBob.
Langston Kerman
For the biggest comedy event of the holiday season.
David Borch
Do you know what the best part is? What is it, Patrick?
Langston Kerman
No, I'm asking. The spongebob movie rated DG Friday. It's football season, and now you can get anything you need for game day delivered with Uber Eats. Well, almost. Almost anything. You can't get a running back, but baby back ribs. Yes. Uber Eats official on demand food delivery partner of the NFL.
Announcer
This is an iHeart podcast. Guaranteed Human.
Hosts: Langston Kerman & David Gborie
Date: December 18, 2025
Network: Big Money Players Network & iHeartPodcasts
This mini episode of My Momma Told Me dives into one listener’s bold conspiracy theory: Black families with many kids convert to Jehovah's Witnesses to avoid buying holiday and birthday gifts. Langston Kerman and David Gborie unpack the idea with their trademark irreverence, personal anecdotes, and playful banter. Along the way, they also revisit previous listener feedback about geography, puffy nipples, and the mysterious link between milk and body changes.
This mini episode is classic My Momma Told Me: A wild premise laid out by a listener gets dissected with equal parts seriousness and silliness. The hosts dive into the practical, financial, and cultural motivations that might underpin Jehovah’s Witness rules on holidays and family planning, all while sharing personal anecdotes and lampooning both conspiracy theories and themselves. It's a breezy, funny, and surprisingly thoughtful exploration of how religion, money, and culture intersect—and why some families just might get creative about avoiding gifts.