They Already Soft Launched Aliens (with Mel Mitchell)

Summary

Podcast Summary: My Momma Told Me — "They Already Soft Launched Aliens"

Date: April 28, 2026
Hosts: Langston Kerman & David Gborie
Guest: Mel Mitchell

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Main Theme & Purpose

This episode of My Momma Told Me dives into conspiracy theories around aliens—specifically, the idea that the government has “soft launched” the existence of extraterrestrials. Alongside this, comedians Langston, David, and guest Mel Mitchell embark on tangents about Black culture, sex education, growing up, and coming-of-age experiences. The episode brims with candid, hilarious exchanges about personal histories, societal myths, pop culture, and the ways Black communities process knowledge, rumors, and government secrets (especially those involving outer space and coochies).

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Icebreaker & Banter (02:22–14:00)

• Dog Ownership and Stereotypes:
  The group riffs on the impracticalities of people with too many dogs in small apartments, joking about priorities and the "villain origin story" of having multiple pets.
  • “When somebody got like five dogs, I know it smell crazy in there.” — Mel Mitchell (04:23)
• Lies & Bravado:
  Discussion of “showbiz” lies—like pretending to be rich or tall—and the social permission to embellish facts in entertainment.

2. Sexual Education & Coming-of-Age Stories (14:05–45:35)

• Lack of Black Girls’ Sex Ed:
  Mel dives deep into her late start in sexual self-awareness, recounting candid stories of learning proper hygiene and anatomy from friends and the internet (notably from reading FML).

  • “We just talked about the lack of coochie education as young black girls. We don't have it. And it's everything—sex, sex, sex, sex, bad, bad, bad, bad.” — Mel Mitchell (49:59)

• Tampon Confusion & Parental Gaps:
  Mel’s journey includes misunderstanding medical advice and applying medicine incorrectly because no one explicitly taught her (29:00–32:00).

• Erasure & Shame:
  Exploration of guilt surrounding self-pleasure and how religious or cultural backgrounds can intensify shame and misinformation.

• Masturbation and Self-Discovery:
  The hosts and Mel share their experiences with masturbation, laughing about the different pathways boys and girls take toward understanding their bodies (32:00–40:00).

3. Pop Culture & Representation (12:00–36:00, 83:24–87:57)

• Black Coming-of-Age Films:
  Mel and the hosts joke about the absence of a Black female equivalent to “American Pie”—an “American Sweet Potato Pie”—and the potential for stories about young Black women’s sexual awakenings.
  • "Black women do need their coming-of-age sex movie.” — David Gborie (25:14)
• Merchandise & Cultural Icons:
  Discussion of Ice Cube t-shirts being omnipresent and what that says about Black icons in white-dominated consumer culture.

4. Tumblr, Porn, and Internet Culture (42:00–47:00)

• Tumblr & Fanfiction:
  Mel reminisces about discovering erotic fanfiction and the hyper-specific sexual interests fostered by Tumblr, plus the inclusivity of Black perspectives in fandom spaces.

• Judging Dicks on Tumblr:
  With humor, Mel reveals how her all-female, mostly virginal friend group would scroll through Tumblr evaluating pictures together (43:45).

5. Alien Disclosure & Conspiracy Theories (61:08–79:22)

• Soft-Lauched Aliens:
  Mel's main theory is that the government has already begun revealing the truth about aliens through small, incremental admissions—distracting the public with crises to avoid widespread panic or focus (61:08–62:14).

• Government Disclosure:
  The hosts reiterate that even former Presidents have hinted at aliens’ existence, but full proof is elusive because of intentional distraction (61:30–62:02).

  • “They’re purposely overloading us with f--- s--- so we don’t have time to even worry about the aliens. Because gas is $9.” — Mel Mitchell (61:53)

• Alien Biology Speculation:
  The conversation devolves into speculation about what aliens might actually look like—are the “Grays” from Area 51 a distraction? How might alien life adapt to environments unlike Earth's?

  • “Why would you even have feet, let alone be bipedal? Maybe it’s better to have ten of them.” — David Gborie (63:54)

• Oceanic Mysteries:
  The crew entertains the possibility that aliens or even dinosaurs could live in the vast, unexplored oceans of Earth (78:33–79:18).

  • “Either the aliens are in the ocean. Or, door number two: the dinosaurs in the ocean.” — Mel Mitchell (78:57)

6. Dinosaurs, Extinction, and Cosmic "What-Ifs" (70:43–75:37)

• Emotional Attachment to Dinosaurs:
  Mel reflects on the sadness of the dinosaurs’ slow extinction and floats wild theories—what if meteors that killed the dinosaurs were actually alien ships rescuing some of them?

• Linking Prehistoric and Extraterrestrial:
  The possibility is raised that the aliens are dinosaurs or that their fates are linked in ways science hasn’t discovered.

7. Listener Voicemail — "Urinal Conspiracy" (88:22–93:41)

• A caller poses a bizarre theory that urinals have cameras used to measure penis size and government agencies aggregate this data.
• The hosts gently debunk the idea, parsing it as the product of insecurity and social myth rather than an actual surveillance plot.
  • “Brother, there are no cameras.” — Langston Kerman (90:00)
  • “Learn how to eat some coochie, yo.” — Mel Mitchell (93:53)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Sex Ed:
  “I didn't know where my actual vagina was until college.” — Mel Mitchell (20:53)
• On Masturbation Shame:
  “Then I was shamed with guilt because, oh God, I’m gonna get struck by lightning and go to hell.” — Mel Mitchell (33:06)
• On Black Girl Sexual Representation:
  “We need a Black girl Stifler. And I know Black girl Stiflers. Like, they're real. Like, they exist.” — Mel Mitchell (26:21)
• On Alien Concealment:
  "They're purposely overloading us with so much fuck shit that I don't even wanna read the news. And I look up; it's a black man in space.” — Mel Mitchell (70:19)
• On Moving Beyond Fear:
  “If they wanted to kill us, they would've been did it.” — Mel Mitchell (68:29)
• On Urinal Surveillance Theory:
  “What is average, man? ... My mama says my dick is big.” — Mel Mitchell (89:17, 90:42, paraphrasing insecurity at the core of the conspiracy)

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Important Timestamps

• Dog Stereotypes & Showbiz Lies: 02:21–05:32
• Sex Ed, Tampon Fails & Digital Upbringing: 14:05–32:00
• Black Female Coming-of-Age Film Pitch: 24:47–26:56
• Tumblr, Fanfiction & Sexual Preferences: 42:00–47:00
• Aliens & Government Admission: 61:08–62:50
• Alien Evolution & Ocean Secrets: 63:00–79:18
• Dinosaurs & Catastrophic "What-Ifs": 70:43–75:37
• Urinal Conspiracy Voicemail: 88:22–93:41

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Tone & Style

The episode is defined by unfiltered, playful, and self-aware humor—deeply personal, honest, and rooted in Black community experiences. The hosts and guest maintain a conversational, riff-heavy flow, frequently derailing into related but hilarious tangents. The group frequently makes fun of themselves, each other, and the world, all while gently interrogating cultural norms and myths.

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Outro

Where to Find the Guest:

• Mel Mitchell: @tsmelmitch (Instagram), @thebaddestmitch (TikTok)
  • See her on Tubi, Hulu, BET, and Peacock; upcoming comedy dates in Richmond, VA and Columbus, OH.

Hosts:

• Langston Kerman: @LangstonKerman
• David Gborie: @CoolGuyJokes87

Patreon Bonus: “Smut Watch”—where the hosts react to wild, sometimes raunchy internet videos.

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In Summary

This episode delightfully zig-zags through sex ed gaps in Black communities, fandom and erotic fiction, pop culture breakdowns, and the funny, tragic, and speculative dimensions of government alien secrets. Mel Mitchell brings infectious candor and comedic vulnerability, making for an episode as educational as it is wildly entertaining. At its heart: three comedians, no topic too sacred or silly, aiming to create a space where conspiracies and coochies can finally get the honest talk they deserve.

Transcript

[Mel Mitchell]

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[Langston Kerman]

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[Mel Mitchell]

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[Langston Kerman]

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[Mel Mitchell]

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[Langston Kerman]

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[Mel Mitchell]

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[David Bore]

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[Langston Kerman]

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[Mel Mitchell]

At any time.

[Langston Kerman]

You go ahead and relax.

[Mel Mitchell]

It's like the episode of Family Guy when Brian got the radio show.

[Langston Kerman]

That's sort of. Yeah.

[David Bore]

Are we Brian, what was the drive time crew called?

[Langston Kerman]

I don't know.

[David Bore]

It'd be like Silky and the Hammer. All right.

[Langston Kerman]

Dog and the Baby.

[David Bore]

That was first round. That was first round.

[Langston Kerman]

I didn't want to imagine who was Silky and who was the Hammer. It felt emasculating

[Mel Mitchell]

the government, growing babies. Microchips in your anus.

[David Bore]

All koala bears are racist. The ozone lair owes me money. Marshy defending turkey stuffing. Y' all can't tell me nothing. We were chilling in the park, just waiting for the sun to go down. It was me, shy bro and the homies a lighter shade of brown. Welcome, little mamas and gentiles alike, to another phenomenal episode of My Mama Told

[Langston Kerman]

Me podcast where we dive deep, deep into the pocket. It's a black conspiracy theory.

[David Bore]

And we finally work to prove that. There is nothing to prove.

[Langston Kerman]

Ain't nothing to prove.

[David Bore]

I got nothing for you.

[Langston Kerman]

That's been the mistake you've had the entire time is you thought that there was something to prove and we wasn't even on that.

[David Bore]

I ain't got shit to prove.

[Langston Kerman]

Nope.

[David Bore]

I'm a grown man. I own my house.

[Langston Kerman]

Proved it.

[David Bore]

That wasn't true.

[Langston Kerman]

I was gonna stand by you.

[David Bore]

That was crazy.

[Mel Mitchell]

You kind of just gotta lean into that, though.

[David Bore]

Nah, I. Really? Yeah.

[Langston Kerman]

Why'd you bail on it? Why'd he bail on it so fast?

[David Bore]

It's not true.

[Mel Mitchell]

I.

[Langston Kerman]

Come on, man.

[David Bore]

This is show business.

[Mel Mitchell]

Yeah.

[Langston Kerman]

They don't know.

[David Bore]

I'm six two, bro. They don't even know.

[Langston Kerman]

Come on, just tell them.

[David Bore]

Yeah. I'm rich as hell.

[Mel Mitchell]

Exactly. Just lean into the lines.

[David Bore]

I got three dogs.

[Langston Kerman]

Three.

[David Bore]

Just. Just. Just lies. That don't even make me sound better.

[Langston Kerman]

The more dogs you have, the worse I do think you're gonna be.

[Mel Mitchell]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[David Bore]

When somebody got like five, dogs are

[Mel Mitchell]

always like, I know it smell crazy in there.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah, it smells crazy. And your priorities couldn't possibly be straight.

[David Bore]

Yeah.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah. You know what I mean? Like you could you not shopping for you.

[Mel Mitchell]

And it's never practical. Dogs. It's like eight German shepherds in the living room.

[David Bore]

And nobody who ever has five dogs has the space to accommodate said dog

[Mel Mitchell]

in a one bedroom apartment.

[David Bore]

Yeah. It's like, damn. Now I know it's going bad in here.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah. And you are lining up a bunch of animals to die in a type of succession that is like a violence to your spirit.

[Mel Mitchell]

The flies. But dogs, yes.

[Langston Kerman]

They're dropping off.

[David Bore]

You're setting up your own villain origin story.

[Mel Mitchell]

Huh?

[David Bore]

You're gonna die.

[Mel Mitchell]

Six months, they die while you at work.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah.

[Mel Mitchell]

And now you come home, the dog ate.

[Langston Kerman]

Now you John Wick five times in a row.

[David Bore]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Mel Mitchell]

And you killing dogs.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah.

[David Bore]

Or the dog's eating the other dog.

[Mel Mitchell]

That's what I'm saying.

[David Bore]

Oh, no.

[Mel Mitchell]

That's What I'm saying.

[David Bore]

And then you now you, now you're looking at your best friends. Eat your best friends. Oh, no, that's what I'm saying.

[Langston Kerman]

This is upsetting me.

[Mel Mitchell]

No, that's.

[Langston Kerman]

That's.

[Mel Mitchell]

We're here.

[Langston Kerman]

You're locked in. I didn't get it.

[Mel Mitchell]

It's cannibal dog it.

[David Bore]

So if you die, it's not gonna go good either. Fuck you.

[Mel Mitchell]

Die, they gonna eat you.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah, they're loyal.

[David Bore]

Dogs will wait a while though. So shout out to Xavier Poole, very funny comic out of Dallas, Texas. He said that he used to work for animal control and the dogs will wait a lot longer.

[Mel Mitchell]

How do they have this data?

[Langston Kerman]

You know animal control, he works for animal control. Find out.

[Mel Mitchell]

So like, when they go to someone's house that died, they see how long it took for the dog to eat them.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah. They can just tell how much is eate. You've seen how much time they've had to.

[David Bore]

It's some kind of dog science. I'm not. I didn't work for them.

[Langston Kerman]

They're like, that's about it.

[Mel Mitchell]

They wait for it. It's like. It's like avocado. It's not ripe.

[Langston Kerman]

That's not ready. Yeah, but cats will thigh. They probably got about a week of thigh in there. It's been three weeks.

[David Bore]

But cats will get your shit tomorrow. You go out tonight, cats, they start itch the cheeks.

[Langston Kerman]

Are you a cat or a dog person?

[Mel Mitchell]

Dog.

[Langston Kerman]

Okay.

[Mel Mitchell]

I have a cocker spaniel.

[David Bore]

And you're loved, so you probably be found before anything happens.

[Mel Mitchell]

Yeah, he probably wouldn't bother. He likes to eat paper towels, so I'm not really his taste.

[Langston Kerman]

That's dope. I had a.

[David Bore]

My dog likes to shred up sandwich wrappers.

[Langston Kerman]

Whoa.

[David Bore]

Where if she's like.

[Langston Kerman]

And consume them.

[David Bore]

No, she just like. You know how she is.

[Langston Kerman]

She's just a vibe.

[David Bore]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's just mad cause I'm gone. Cause she's up my ass all day.

[Mel Mitchell]

Like, fuck your sandwich. I get it. Yeah. It starts off that way with him. His name is Cardi. He's a cocker spaniel who's like a little bit overweight. And he likes pads too. Clean ones.

[Langston Kerman]

Okay.

[Mel Mitchell]

If he's going really crazy, he'll go in the trash and get non clean pads. I'm like, you're tripping.

[Langston Kerman]

Oh, so he's not above it.

[Mel Mitchell]

He's not above it. But if it's not a bad one, he's like, Nah, baby. 1.

[David Bore]

He like, Nah, baby.

[Langston Kerman]

I don't mind I'm nasty.

[Mel Mitchell]

Like, baby, don't stop.

[David Bore]

Nothing but a sentence.

[Mel Mitchell]

Exactly. But no, he's like, oh, fresh pad. Like, if I'm packing, like, I have my stuff out. I'm like, packing my pads. He like, is that a regular or a maxi right there?

[Langston Kerman]

Look.

[Mel Mitchell]

And then he'll just.

[Langston Kerman]

I need my pad today.

[David Bore]

I had a tough time.

[Langston Kerman]

Get it where I get it.

[Mel Mitchell]

I smoked my first cigarette last night. You guys.

[David Bore]

No. What's happening?

[Langston Kerman]

You don't have to do this.

[Mel Mitchell]

Everyone's so judgy about it, and I was prejudging the person that I was with who had the cigarette. But then I was thinking, I was just talking to my homegirl, like, you know what? Smoking cigarettes is so chic. It's cunty. It's like, long day, sure. But it's just never like, the opportunity never presented itself. And then it did last night, and it's like, wow, that's like kismet, isn't it?

[Langston Kerman]

How'd you feel?

[David Bore]

What kind of cigarette was it?

[Mel Mitchell]

I don't know.

[David Bore]

Okay. Cause that matters.

[Mel Mitchell]

My homeboy came across the corner with a cigarette in his hand, one behind his ear. I'm like, oh, you tripping? But then I was like, wait a minute. It's like a. I can smoke a cigarette.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah, you just want it to be strong.

[Mel Mitchell]

I just wanted to see what it was like, and it just tasted like. It's not as bad as it smells.

[David Bore]

No, it does not taste as bad as it smells. That's true.

[Mel Mitchell]

Right? And it was.

[David Bore]

Oh, was it cold? Was it a menthol? Cold is the best way I could describe smoking.

[Mel Mitchell]

It wasn't. It didn't feel like Big's favor up. No, it wasn't.

[David Bore]

Okay, so he was. His regular tobacco.

[Mel Mitchell]

It was just, you know, just a little sick. I was like, okay, okay. And now I did it.

[Langston Kerman]

Are you a menthol man?

[David Bore]

I used to put them in the freezer sometimes. Yeah.

[Langston Kerman]

Wow.

[Mel Mitchell]

Frozen cigarettes.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah, But I.

[Mel Mitchell]

They don't freeze the twixt.

[Langston Kerman]

I guess so.

[David Bore]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or batteries.

[Mel Mitchell]

Well, no, that's two different things.

[David Bore]

But I mean, the place you put them.

[Langston Kerman]

Well, we're not eating any of these things.

[David Bore]

Well, I run on both.

[Mel Mitchell]

I'm saying Twix are like, you know, batteries. Do they hit different when you put in the freezer? Like a Twix bar?

[David Bore]

Kind of.

[Mel Mitchell]

Or Snickers or something?

[David Bore]

Yeah, Kind of. Cool.

[Langston Kerman]

Or maybe it's just a psychological fun thing for you.

[David Bore]

I think in my head, it was like keeping them fresher okay.

[Mel Mitchell]

Okay.

[Langston Kerman]

Interesting.

[Mel Mitchell]

Do they go stale?

[David Bore]

Not. No.

[Mel Mitchell]

I just got here, so I don't have science I don't need.

[David Bore]

You don't take that long to smoke. I'm learning a pack, but okay. Damn. It's more of like. We've talked about that as often for sure.

[Langston Kerman]

I guess I've just never asked enough follow up questions. I think sometimes you talk about you

[Mel Mitchell]

have a Marlboro shirt on.

[Langston Kerman]

I do, and I've never smoked a cigarette in my life. That's chic, though.

[David Bore]

That's chic. I almost. This is fucked up. I think we get the same vintage T shirt ads on Instagram.

[Langston Kerman]

Hell yeah.

[David Bore]

Cause I almost got that shirt in white within the last couple days. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I remember one time I wore a shirt and you were like, is that blah, blah, blah? And I was like, okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Mel Mitchell]

It's the algorithm. That's how they get.

[Langston Kerman]

We ventured in the same areas.

[Mel Mitchell]

Y' all must have, like. Y' all FBI agents must be like, their cubicles might be next to each other.

[David Bore]

Oh, they're like. They're doing it again. They're looking at conspiracy. Yeah, I like that. Okay. I like that.

[Mel Mitchell]

I don't want to get too off topic.

[David Bore]

He's trying to buy that belly windbreaker again. I hope that.

[Mel Mitchell]

I wonder what the contract was with Ice Cube, because every time I go to Ross, he's on every shirt. What's that about all the Boyz n the Hood? It's like Boyz n the Hood and slash. Ice Cube, Aaliyah and Selena.

[David Bore]

So, okay, I bought my little cousin a Boyz n the Hood sweatsuit. Boyz n the Hood is this weird thing where you're like, is this a brain?

[Langston Kerman]

Why not tell me?

[David Bore]

But they got it at the bad malls.

[Langston Kerman]

Can I tell y' all something? I think we would do very well to leave Ice Cube's money alone. I think we would do very well to mind our fucking business about how Ice Cube makes half of Whom Goes to Dynamite. I think Ice Cube has shown a financial prowess.

[David Bore]

He tried to get a Cube vision.

[Mel Mitchell]

Jackson, are you trying to be in War of the Worlds too?

[David Bore]

No.

[Mel Mitchell]

You wouldn't have to leave this spot. It'd be right here, the whole movie, right here.

[Langston Kerman]

I'm trying not to have Ice Cube down my back. I think that man has connections that don't make sense.

[Mel Mitchell]

Is he even involved in these T shirts? Is my question.

[Langston Kerman]

My question is, never seen a pivot like this.

[David Bore]

I don't know him as a sweatshirt designer, bro.

[Langston Kerman]

He made Friday.

[David Bore]

It is so funny.

[Langston Kerman]

That's the most. Arguably one of the most hood movies ever made.

[Mel Mitchell]

I mean, he was in Boys in the Hood.

[Langston Kerman]

I mean, sure, I'm saying that like, he. He showed a commitment to black culture that should have never tapped over into white crossover. No, I'm saying it's scaring me for y' all to be talking nasty.

[David Bore]

I don't think we're talking.

[Mel Mitchell]

You're scaring me.

[Langston Kerman]

I'm not a victim here. I'm demanding that we not get murdered when we walk out of this building

[Mel Mitchell]

because we talk dirty about. Upset about. What is Ice Cube's real name about? O' Shea Jackson Sr.

[David Bore]

Uh.

[Langston Kerman]

Oh, I don't call you.

[Mel Mitchell]

Me inquiring why he's doing all these goddamn T shirts on white children from Ross. Why you getting Ice Cube shirt? And why is there an Ice Cube shirt? That's what I'm trying to. Not even so much a do you need some money Situation. I'm just saying. Did you sign off on this o'? Shea?

[David Bore]

I hate to. I hate to stereotype, but like a white kid in an Ice Cube T shirt. That's a dirty ass white kid.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah. Not a clean one.

[David Bore]

It is not a clean white kid.

[Langston Kerman]

It's a bummer. Any white person that says yay.

[David Bore]

Yay.

[Mel Mitchell]

That's not the right white.

[Langston Kerman]

That's a bad white. You don't want that.

[David Bore]

Ice Cube whites are the most dangerous whites.

[Mel Mitchell]

I don't think I've met an Ice Cube white and I don't ever want to.

[David Bore]

You don't want to? Not after sunset.

[Langston Kerman]

You're supposed to put that down like a dog.

[Mel Mitchell]

Bring me the gun.

[David Bore]

I had to do. Okay. This is something I was thinking about. I tried to do a bit. It didn't work. Have you ever noticed that Tupac Merch is a bad guy and Biggie Merch is like classy person? What is that about? You ever notice that? But it seems like it should be swapped because Tupac was talking that revolutionary shit.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah.

[David Bore]

And Biggie was just talking. But like.

[Mel Mitchell]

And Biggie was the colorist that.

[Langston Kerman]

Mm. Say more about that.

[David Bore]

Yes, continue.

[Mel Mitchell]

You know them ugly escape bitches. Oh, Faith over Lil Kim.

[Langston Kerman]

So, hey, what's going on?

[Mel Mitchell]

Christopher?

[David Bore]

Christopher Wallace.

[Mel Mitchell]

What's going on? What's up here?

[David Bore]

I think that he. I think he had issues with it. Heartthrob never Fat, black and ugly as ever.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah. I think it's.

[David Bore]

However, stay Gucci down to the socks.

[Langston Kerman]

I think it took a while for that man to get pussy.

[Mel Mitchell]

But when he got it, he made it count.

[Langston Kerman]

And I think he really was. We were seeing a journey in its later end. And in that. Or in a later start. And I think in that way he was doing sometimes little boy shit where you're like, I want a bad light skinned one, but it's not the mulatto.

[Mel Mitchell]

Right.

[Langston Kerman]

And I think if he would have

[David Bore]

gotten a fly like that right. They say Puff put him onto that. Like he wasn't like that.

[Langston Kerman]

That wasn't even his way.

[David Bore]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Langston Kerman]

And I think as he got older he probably would have matured.

[Mel Mitchell]

They were only like 24 and 25.

[David Bore]

They were kids anyway.

[Mel Mitchell]

Yeah. He wasn't even older yet. 24.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah.

[Mel Mitchell]

I. I hadn't figured out where my body parts were at until 24.

[Langston Kerman]

And that's unfortunate.

[David Bore]

I'm familiar with mine.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah.

[Mel Mitchell]

But I have more body parts.

[David Bore]

Yeah, that's fair. That's okay. And then it's more complicated system.

[Mel Mitchell]

It's. I'm still finding new shit.

[David Bore]

Yeah.

[Mel Mitchell]

So it's a lot. And I can't look down there. Y' all can bring y' all stuff to y' all gotta go.

[David Bore]

I gotta get down there.

[Langston Kerman]

I gotta catch em all.

[David Bore]

I got a two stroke engine. You got a V8, you know. And it's just, it's area you're using different kinds of fuel.

[Mel Mitchell]

It's a lot.

[Langston Kerman]

Dog. I got a pedal bike down here.

[Mel Mitchell]

It's simple. It has its own doctor. I don't have a dick doctor.

[David Bore]

You also just have to hose it off. Done.

[Langston Kerman]

I got one of them big wheels with the little wheel.

[Mel Mitchell]

It's just instructions. And if you wipe it wrong.

[David Bore]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Mel Mitchell]

Now you got to get medicine.

[David Bore]

Yeah. Damn.

[Langston Kerman]

I never had to get medicine because of a wiping decision.

[David Bore]

Me either.

[Langston Kerman]

Nope.

[Mel Mitchell]

Like front or back to front.

[Langston Kerman]

And. And I. I pray you're not doing that.

[Mel Mitchell]

No, I'm not.

[Langston Kerman]

Okay. But something like that.

[David Bore]

But you had to learn. You had to learn.

[Mel Mitchell]

You got to learn stuff like that. And that was never the issue. I learned that if I had one. You know how I learned to start wiping back to front?

[David Bore]

I got butt back, side to side. I got UGK on that bitch.

[Mel Mitchell]

That is insane.

[Langston Kerman]

Up, down, left, right, aba.

[Mel Mitchell]

I used to wipe back to front because I thought that was the logical choice. I didn't know any better. No one had ever been down there to say anything otherwise. Do you remember the website fml?

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah.

[Mel Mitchell]

Fuck my Life. You've never heard of Fuck my Life? Before life.

[David Bore]

I had a weird middle period where I wasn't on the Internet at all.

[Mel Mitchell]

This is like 2008, 2009.

[David Bore]

Exactly.

[Mel Mitchell]

And this is when websites were a thing. You had to go to an actual WWW dot.

[Langston Kerman]

If you wanted to watch fun, funny videos, you had to go to a funny video site.

[David Bore]

And that means you need a computer.

[Mel Mitchell]

Exactly. See, that's where. Okay.

[David Bore]

And I did not.

[Mel Mitchell]

We had those in my house. I had my own.

[David Bore]

No, I was on my own.

[Langston Kerman]

No, he ran. He ran away from home.

[David Bore]

Yeah, yeah, I was just outside resources.

[Mel Mitchell]

Yeah, we'll get the lore later. Put a pin in that. Okay, we gonna get some lore.

[David Bore]

The point is, I was not on the computer from about 2000 to 2010. I was pretty much not on the phone.

[Langston Kerman]

When he found out Obama was president, he went crazy.

[Mel Mitchell]

Yeah, you missed.

[David Bore]

I could still see T shirts, Langston.

[Langston Kerman]

He went.

[David Bore]

I could still see the merchant.

[Mel Mitchell]

Key moments of Internet. And it got really, really fun. Before it became just social media, it was other areas of the Internet.

[David Bore]

Right, Right.

[Mel Mitchell]

There was a website called Fuck my life. And people would say like this. I walked outside and dropped my tacos. Ugh. Fuck my life. It would be something low level. It would be higher. But I saw a lot of them. Was like, I went down on a girl and I found out she wipes back to front. Fuck my life. And I'm like, hey, what's.

[David Bore]

Oh, so the ain't 1314.

[Mel Mitchell]

So I'm like, what's that mean?

[Langston Kerman]

Whoa.

[Mel Mitchell]

And I didn't realize that you're wiping shit juice up the age.

[Langston Kerman]

You were a big age finding this out.

[Mel Mitchell]

Well, I mean, I was like, 13, 14.

[Langston Kerman]

Damn. That's.

[David Bore]

That's.

[Mel Mitchell]

Yeah, but I didn't know that. Cause, you know, the coochie don't really start working. Gearing up for real.

[David Bore]

Okay.

[Mel Mitchell]

Not really.

[David Bore]

What I'll say is this is women's business.

[Mel Mitchell]

Yeah. I wasn't getting a UTR or yeast infection at 12.

[David Bore]

Right.

[Mel Mitchell]

The coochie's just like, hey, I'm just chilling, like, once the period starts, like, all right, we're working on all cylinders now.

[David Bore]

I'm completely comfortable.

[Mel Mitchell]

So now I was like, oh, I need to start actually taking care of this organ. Before, it was just there, you know,

[Langston Kerman]

I didn't really look forward to taking care of mine. I don't know that I've done everything I can.

[David Bore]

What's the scare, though?

[Langston Kerman]

I don't know.

[Mel Mitchell]

See, I don't have to do it.

[David Bore]

You have to clean it once a month, like a gun. Make sure that shit don't go off in the Closet. Whoa. What's the care?

[Mel Mitchell]

Safety is uncircumcised people. Is that a safety?

[David Bore]

No, that's the riskiest way to live, I'd say uncircumcised.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, it is.

[David Bore]

It is a real.

[Mel Mitchell]

You're, like, sawed off.

[David Bore]

No, no, no. It's regular length.

[Mel Mitchell]

Okay, okay. I'm just.

[David Bore]

Sawed off implies short.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah. Oh, you're not gonna catch my man slipping.

[David Bore]

No, no, no, no, no. Well, actually, more than ever, we're not gonna catch you slipping. We're talking about circumcised versus uncircumcised.

[Langston Kerman]

Oh, sure, sure, sure. Yeah.

[Mel Mitchell]

Did y' all already like discussion?

[David Bore]

We're opposites. Not just in tone.

[Mel Mitchell]

Mm. So who's who?

[David Bore]

Okay, this is a fun exercise. Lex is not gonna like it.

[Langston Kerman]

Guess that's fair.

[Mel Mitchell]

I can hear the laughs.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah.

[Mel Mitchell]

I'm guessing you're the turtleneck and you're the crew neck.

[Langston Kerman]

You think I'm uncir.

[David Bore]

Don't say it like that.

[Mel Mitchell]

No, the way he presented it, when he said, you're not gonna like it, I was all, you must be the turtleneck. So it slipped.

[Langston Kerman]

You think I'm a goddamn.

[David Bore]

This is why y'.

[Langston Kerman]

All.

[David Bore]

We were having a good time. We were having a good time.

[Langston Kerman]

You introduced a nasty game.

[David Bore]

We were having a good game.

[Langston Kerman]

You shouldn't introduce the nasty game. Now I'll be nasty.

[David Bore]

I thought I was gonna lose anyways.

[Mel Mitchell]

Well, you proposed it as if you know what I'm saying.

[David Bore]

Okay, that's fair.

[Mel Mitchell]

I was just using my context with a lot of things.

[David Bore]

It was a framing thing. It was a framing thing.

[Mel Mitchell]

See, I don't even think I've said my name.

[Langston Kerman]

We.

[David Bore]

We will start the podcast.

[Langston Kerman]

It started we. We did the thing. Yeah, we did the song.

[Mel Mitchell]

Everything is like, hey, you're fine. Y' all know.

[Langston Kerman]

They don't know. We're safe.

[David Bore]

We. We love talking about coochie technology too.

[Langston Kerman]

It's literally how we start every time is not at all. And then somehow all of it ends up in. And have we been having fun?

[Mel Mitchell]

I've been having fun. Absolutely. I'm chaotic, so I'm like, maybe this is just me.

[David Bore]

No, no, you came to the right place.

[Langston Kerman]

Okay, if you think you started this, you're wrong.

[David Bore]

Okay, we're gonna get. We're gonna go back to front today.

[Mel Mitchell]

E. Coli. I love the Gucci.

[David Bore]

ABC and E. Coli, too. We don't give a fuck over here.

[Mel Mitchell]

I love that. Let's get the antibiotics going. Y' all got some well, we got

[David Bore]

a nurse on site.

[Mel Mitchell]

I got rm. I know.

[David Bore]

Show us rm.

[Mel Mitchell]

Oh, perfect. Can we get some deflucan in here, please?

[David Bore]

Hey, let me get some mefloquin too. I'm gonna party some slash.

[Mel Mitchell]

Listen, I've got all the prescriptions in my 20s.

[David Bore]

Really?

[Langston Kerman]

You listed a lot more than I knew.

[David Bore]

I. I don't even think. Might be malaria medicine.

[Mel Mitchell]

Sensitive coochie. I can't do nothing over here. People doing like bath and body works. Bath. Like bathing. With that, my coochie would get up and leave.

[Langston Kerman]

Well, that's because you did 13 years of damage.

[Mel Mitchell]

So maybe. Maybe she struggled.

[Langston Kerman]

I think she put that coochie through absolute hell.

[Mel Mitchell]

I don't remember telling me if it never came up. I just assumed that maybe I figured it out. Like, leave me alone, Mom.

[Langston Kerman]

You checked out during that conversation. I pray you checked out, because my cat. My God, is 13 too long.

[Mel Mitchell]

I mean, I don't know.

[David Bore]

We all mature at our own.

[Mel Mitchell]

We all figured things out. I didn't. We're already here. I didn't know where my actual vagina was until college.

[Langston Kerman]

That's okay. Yeah. I didn't know where most of them were.

[David Bore]

I couldn't locate it well either until I had one.

[Mel Mitchell]

And I didn't know my home. Got it.

[Langston Kerman]

Now we're bonding.

[Mel Mitchell]

Now we're here. I was trying to figure out how to put a tampon on.

[Langston Kerman]

Oh, no,

[Mel Mitchell]

sure, okay.

[Langston Kerman]

She putting it on hot dogs.

[Mel Mitchell]

I was. Oh, no, no. I was.

[Langston Kerman]

I was being silly.

[David Bore]

Oh, that's. I understand that.

[Mel Mitchell]

That was gonna be my next point. I was like, I didn't know how to put it cuz I didn't know where my vagina was.

[David Bore]

I understand that idea.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah.

[David Bore]

Where you're like, oh, let it hug it and then it'll kind of flow.

[Mel Mitchell]

Cuz every coochie's not a hot dog bun. Luckily, because I had a hot dog

[David Bore]

bun, I was like, tell your boys. You ain't got to tell your boys about that.

[Langston Kerman]

So I remember I've seen a few platters my day.

[David Bore]

My God, I had a falafel one time.

[Mel Mitchell]

Falafel, Like that little shape on the side of the lamb.

[David Bore]

Lots of tzatziki.

[Langston Kerman]

Okay, Hoagie again.

[Mel Mitchell]

I see lots of tzatziki. Too much tzatziki. Can I have my tzatziki on the side?

[David Bore]

It's acidic. That's a ph issue.

[Mel Mitchell]

So, yeah, my home. We're in the dorms. We're in the dorms at. In my hbcu and they have like. Usually the shower stalls. It was one. We have more room in there. So we go in there and she coochie's just out. She's like, okay, what you do is.

[David Bore]

Oh, she taught you.

[Mel Mitchell]

She's breaking it down. I was a late bloomer, so a boy had never touched my coochie, so I didn't know where it was.

[David Bore]

I will wanna. I do wanna say this is what I had prayed was happening in college dorms, women's college dorms.

[Mel Mitchell]

It wasn't nearly as erotic as niggas would imagine it to be. The judge of that, it wasn't like, yeah, let me. Situation. It was like, okay, girl. What you do is you spread it.

[David Bore]

What a good friend, though.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah, that's really fun.

[David Bore]

Are you guys still friends?

[Mel Mitchell]

We're cool. Yeah, We. We're not like besties, but it's like, that's. No, we're not.

[David Bore]

She'll come to your wedding.

[Mel Mitchell]

Happy birthday, every.

[Langston Kerman]

Mel.

[Mel Mitchell]

No, not really. What? She. My wedding's in, like four months. She's.

[David Bore]

She's not gonna come.

[Mel Mitchell]

I wasn't at hers. It's cool.

[David Bore]

It's not like it's my beach, Mel, you know, she's.

[Mel Mitchell]

Drift apart.

[Langston Kerman]

You gotta repair this relationship.

[Mel Mitchell]

This.

[Langston Kerman]

This person taught you to put a tampon. She didn't have to do that.

[David Bore]

That's what I sent you into womanhood.

[Mel Mitchell]

And, you know, dang, it's just getting so personal. But I finally got my coochie on track when I was like, 24. By 24, I got my coochie together. Okay. It was very sensitive. I didn't know what I was doing because the reason I didn't know where my coochie was because I went to the gynecology. It's just getting deep. We're here now.

[Langston Kerman]

It's okay.

[Mel Mitchell]

I went to the gynecologist before I went to college. Cause I thought I was grown. I was a very notorious virgin.

[David Bore]

Just notorious.

[Mel Mitchell]

I was like, I'm a virgin, everyone. Hello. I have my high.

[Langston Kerman]

Everybody see the mail coming?

[Mel Mitchell]

Literally. It was very annoying.

[Langston Kerman]

Let her have the room to herself.

[Mel Mitchell]

Old tweets from 2011. I said, oh, what a bitch.

[Langston Kerman]

She says, oh, you were bragging about it on Twitter.

[Mel Mitchell]

May 20, 2011. I graduated from high school and I.

[David Bore]

Oh, we're the same age.

[Mel Mitchell]

Yeah, yeah, See, I knew that.

[Langston Kerman]

Baby, we lying.

[Mel Mitchell]

No, I know. I know. I was gonna let y' all have it. I posted on Facebook. I was like, I graduated from high school at 16 years old. I was 16 and a 100% version. Fam you, here I come. And it was just like, that's a dangerous.

[Langston Kerman]

I'm glad they didn't press a button, man.

[Mel Mitchell]

It was something. One of them. City ball. City ball.

[Langston Kerman]

No, that's not true. That's not true.

[Mel Mitchell]

It was bad. And I was like, I'm gonna go to the gynecologist. Cause when I get to college, it's gonna be fun. I'm gonna be doing it.

[David Bore]

It's gonna be hard.

[Mel Mitchell]

Me and my friends had a conversation like, hey, okay, when we go to college and start doing sex stuff, we have to have a culture. Like, hey, girl, was this a level 8 on the whole scale? Was this a 10? Maybe it was a 2. So we had to keep each other up. We went to different schools.

[Langston Kerman]

Okay.

[David Bore]

Oh, so then why did you have to tell each other? We all tell. What? Continue. Yeah. I mean, why did you need the. It just numbers make it easy.

[Mel Mitchell]

Like, bitch, I did something. Okay. What you do? What level is it? And then I tell the story. You know what I'm saying?

[David Bore]

Okay.

[Langston Kerman]

Oh, it's just a fun, gamifying.

[David Bore]

Yeah.

[Mel Mitchell]

Just keeping it. It's like American life.

[David Bore]

American pie for black women.

[Mel Mitchell]

For a black girl, you know?

[David Bore]

Yo, I'm not gonna take that idea. I'm not the man to write it. I think you think about it.

[Mel Mitchell]

Have something similar in the. So don't worry about it.

[David Bore]

Yo, black women. Black women do need their coming of age sex movie.

[Langston Kerman]

I would say that.

[David Bore]

Yeah. That's crazy.

[Mel Mitchell]

We don't have stuff like that.

[David Bore]

I think you could go crazy. I think that. That is so funny. And if you need, like, a weird old janitor at the high school.

[Mel Mitchell]

You just. You just told me something.

[David Bore]

Yeah, you need, like, a fine teacher,

[Mel Mitchell]

but I could just rework that whole shit.

[David Bore]

You need, like, a star quarterback in the movie to. You know what I mean? I'll keep picturing myself like, yeah, girl,

[Mel Mitchell]

you gonna get you some dick by prom. And it's like.

[Langston Kerman]

And we do come together, you know?

[Mel Mitchell]

American sweet potato pie.

[David Bore]

Janitor co.

[Langston Kerman]

Janitors.

[Mel Mitchell]

I would say sweet potato pie.

[Langston Kerman]

Sweet potato pie is crazy. Sweet potato pie is nuts.

[Mel Mitchell]

It will be.

[David Bore]

I think this is the greatest idea we've ever.

[Mel Mitchell]

Don't worry about it. My people will call y' all people. We have the.

[David Bore]

Yes, yes. All my people.

[Langston Kerman]

And we have recorded this, so don't try to back out of it. You are. You are.

[David Bore]

We might need to let Will Ferrell be somehow.

[Mel Mitchell]

We gotta get this gentleman.

[Langston Kerman]

Maybe the janitors have a bus.

[David Bore]

Yeah, yeah.

[Mel Mitchell]

Yeah. We need, like, a black Stifler. It will figure it out.

[David Bore]

Yeah.

[Mel Mitchell]

It might just be a black girl Stifler.

[David Bore]

That's the best idea in the world.

[Mel Mitchell]

Black girl Stifler. Come on. And I know black girl Stiflers. Like, they're real. Like, they exist.

[David Bore]

They scared me my whole life.

[Langston Kerman]

I know a lot of black girls who were perverts.

[David Bore]

Yeah, there's a lot of black girls

[Langston Kerman]

don't have the representation that they deserve.

[Mel Mitchell]

Is it either, like, hypersexual? Just like slut. Jezebel. Hot and tight beat. No, we need, like, a. Just a stiff lip.

[David Bore]

She makes the noises.

[Mel Mitchell]

And then, like, Stiffette's dad find Daddy.

[David Bore]

Oh, shit. Oh, I didn't even think about that.

[Langston Kerman]

Yes. Oh, my God.

[David Bore]

I could be Stifler's dad.

[Langston Kerman]

Whoa, whoa. Now you're a sex symbol.

[David Bore]

That's a whole new life for me.

[Langston Kerman]

Now you're Jennifer Coolidge.

[David Bore]

That's a whole new life for me.

[Langston Kerman]

Damn. That's what you need to go for.

[David Bore]

We need to take their money.

[Langston Kerman]

Has two dads.

[David Bore]

Stifler has two dads.

[Mel Mitchell]

Stifler.

[Langston Kerman]

But you're the sexy one.

[David Bore]

But.

[Langston Kerman]

But Stiffa has two dad.

[David Bore]

You know how it's going to shake out.

[Langston Kerman]

I'm saying you're the one that gets.

[Mel Mitchell]

You get the fuck.

[Langston Kerman]

That's all I'm trying to do.

[Mel Mitchell]

Yeah, but she's so sexually aware. Because she has two dads.

[David Bore]

I be fucking that.

[Mel Mitchell]

Tell her about sex. And she's open in the house.

[Langston Kerman]

I will say, as I'm reflecting on it now, it is going to make you a pedophile.

[David Bore]

Yeah.

[Langston Kerman]

And that's unfortunate.

[David Bore]

It sucks that you backed me into that corner

[Langston Kerman]

just now hitting me that that is a pedophile.

[Mel Mitchell]

Maybe it's not.

[David Bore]

I just want to figure it out. I just want to be. I want the idea of Stiflers. But we'll work out the kinks. Yeah, we'll age them up.

[Langston Kerman]

Maybe.

[Mel Mitchell]

One of my friends has an older sister. That's like 26.

[Langston Kerman]

We're being exciting. Okay, now we're imagining.

[Mel Mitchell]

But I say all that to say,

[David Bore]

this is the greatest movie I've ever seen.

[Mel Mitchell]

Gynecologist. And I was like, I'm getting a Pap smear because I'm grown.

[David Bore]

Yeah.

[Mel Mitchell]

I don't know if y' all are familiar with this speculum.

[David Bore]

The actual machine that they used. It's like that stretching machine in the gym.

[Mel Mitchell]

It is. I literally almost jumped off the table. And I said, you put that shit away.

[David Bore]

Okay.

[Mel Mitchell]

And they was like, hey, Girl, you must have been wiping back to front cause your PH is out of this world. So they were like, here's a medicine to bring it back.

[David Bore]

She said you like a lemonade.

[Langston Kerman]

Oh no.

[Mel Mitchell]

They gave me medicine but it was like this is. So I'm just telling all my business. I don't care if this my 17 year old stuff is embarrassed. Not me. I don't give a. My cooch is great now.

[Langston Kerman]

This is Mars as far as I can tell.

[Mel Mitchell]

So they were like, here's the medicine.

[David Bore]

So they give you been eating a lot of flaming hot products.

[Mel Mitchell]

Hot Cheeto, hot chip for what I'm

[Langston Kerman]

seeing is very red

[Mel Mitchell]

back to front.

[Langston Kerman]

It's got fire coming out of it.

[Mel Mitchell]

So they gave me medicine, but it was like a suppository like monistat. But you basically but like prescribed and you gotta put it up there. But I was literally just putting it on like mustard. Cause I didn't know what the fuck was going on down here.

[David Bore]

Oh, damn, Mel, this sucks.

[Langston Kerman]

Fuck Mel, this sucks.

[Mel Mitchell]

It's gross though. We don't know it does. I figured it out though.

[Langston Kerman]

It just sucks that you went through this.

[David Bore]

It's hard. That's so hard.

[Langston Kerman]

I don't even know how.

[Mel Mitchell]

I don't think I. You know, kids are stupid. So I didn't ask my mom cause I just thought I knew what I was doing.

[David Bore]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Mel Mitchell]

So when it wasn't like doing nothing, I was like, oh my God, I'm just fucking mayonnaise in my panties. What the fuck is this? And I was like, oh, I don't know where my coochie is. So that's when.

[David Bore]

That's when I was like, okay, that's a tough. That's gotta be.

[Mel Mitchell]

Yeah.

[David Bore]

That's gotta be a crazy feeling at that age though.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah.

[Mel Mitchell]

Yeah. But I'd be like if I didn't

[David Bore]

know where this shit was at any point. Call the cops. Yeah, I don't even call the cops like that. Call the cops.

[Mel Mitchell]

See down there. And then it's like, you know coochie's. You gotta.

[Langston Kerman]

Oh yeah, you gotta study, you gotta

[David Bore]

want to find it.

[Langston Kerman]

And it sounds like you were in them books.

[David Bore]

It's like the Secret Garden and not

[Langston Kerman]

in your own pants. And you were very proud of that.

[David Bore]

Yeah. I think you're supposed to hit it with a mirror. Right? So you can now.

[Mel Mitchell]

I do hit it. I did hit it with a mirror, but it just overwhelming.

[David Bore]

That's fair. Now I was the first time you go down there.

[Mel Mitchell]

I'm just.

[David Bore]

I know for me, the first time I was down there, you were beating

[Langston Kerman]

your meat is what you're trying to say.

[Mel Mitchell]

I was?

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah.

[Mel Mitchell]

But I didn't even need to go all the way down there, so I didn't have to go down there.

[David Bore]

It was.

[Mel Mitchell]

What is it? You must never go there, Simba. I didn't have to go all the way down there.

[Langston Kerman]

You figured out that hood and you were straight.

[Mel Mitchell]

I was right here with it.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah, yeah, I'm right here.

[David Bore]

This is where I like to dance.

[Mel Mitchell]

I get made fun of this in the Kevaverse. My emoji is a bathtub for a reason.

[Langston Kerman]

I don't have a better way of introducing you at this point. You know, I think you've done the work. Yeah, let's say it. You did the goddamn work. You showed us who the fuck you are. We are so happy to have her here.

[Mel Mitchell]

Y' all gonna clip the coochie parts, aren't y'? All?

[Langston Kerman]

Fuck, man. Absolutely we are.

[Mel Mitchell]

If you don't think we're not. We're not seeing money signs right now. Oh, this is go. Damn. I said Cha Ching.

[Langston Kerman]

Got her.

[Mel Mitchell]

That fucking wolf. I'm. I'm cooked, man.

[Langston Kerman]

Mel Mitchell.

[Mel Mitchell]

Everybody know this is a safe space. It's like every time I see there's three cameras, whatever, right here in my face whenever I say the crazy chefs, like, damn, that's gonna be the thumbnail. I went on chocolate Sundays. I said one sentence, and it was the one. I was like, yeah, I got cheated on. But blah, blah, blah, Thumbnail. I got cheated on.

[Langston Kerman]

Fuck, yeah.

[Mel Mitchell]

Now that's. Now that's my thing. So now I'm gonna be the coochie girl.

[David Bore]

But again, we're basically Chocolate Mondays, so.

[Mel Mitchell]

But hey, guys, I'm Mel Mitchell with

[Langston Kerman]

the crazy coochie of stage.

[David Bore]

With the crazy coochie.

[Langston Kerman]

With that crazy coochie.

[David Bore]

That's a Facebook name.

[Mel Mitchell]

Mel. Crazy coochie.

[David Bore]

Mel with the crazy coochie. 810.

[Mel Mitchell]

We had to learn how to. And once I started being fast with boys and I got finger. I was like, oh, that's what. It's all the way down there.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah.

[David Bore]

Now you're probably game. Got a little better, right?

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah.

[Mel Mitchell]

Out of money, like, when it comes to you.

[Langston Kerman]

So good.

[David Bore]

Oh, you keep it in the front of the house.

[Mel Mitchell]

Okay.

[David Bore]

So you like to DJ?

[Mel Mitchell]

Of course. I've read DJs, but the short version

[David Bore]

is, I mean, like Q. Burton.

[Mel Mitchell]

I learned how to. I Learned how to DJ. I discovered DJ when I was, like, 12. Did it aggressively the summer of 2006. It was great.

[Langston Kerman]

Oh, dang.

[David Bore]

Summer of 2000.

[Mel Mitchell]

It was insane. Actually.

[Langston Kerman]

We were both doing it a lot at the same time.

[David Bore]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You had similar summers.

[Langston Kerman]

Hey, name any Summer after about 1998, I was doing it.

[David Bore]

I feel like we were probably all doing it to a Lloyd video.

[Mel Mitchell]

Yeah, I did that and different parts perhaps. Honestly, I didn't even know what I was doing for real. So I didn't even need nothing. I'm just seeing what's happening.

[David Bore]

Oh, my.

[Mel Mitchell]

I'm just seeing what's doing. I wasn't even visualized. I didn't have nothing to visualize. I'm just like, see what's going on.

[David Bore]

Oh, that's kind of beautiful though. That's like exploring your body.

[Mel Mitchell]

Then I was shamed with guilt because, oh, God, I'm gonna get struck by lightning and go to hell. So I was like, I stopped. And then in high school, I rediscovered it in summer boredom. And then I used to be on the message boards cooking Internet. And I used to read a lot of fan fictions. But on the message board the fan fiction was like a. A adults only section. Not me being like 15, 16, which fan fiction? So it was BBS Reloaded is the name of the website. And it was mostly like, it's like black girls writing fan fiction. So it's not like Twilight and shit. But it was like, I might need

[David Bore]

some of this for my research.

[Mel Mitchell]

It's based on. So most of the stories were like,

[David Bore]

what's erotic fan fiction? You say?

[Mel Mitchell]

Oh, it's a whole thing. I have jokes about this. It was actually very insane. Some of my origin stories. I was writing some erotic fan fiction when I was 13. I didn't have any. I didn't know what I was doing, but I was like. It was between me and like Chris Brown. And then my sister saw it. Yeah, this is 2007 and I was a really big Chris Brown fan until I definitely wasn't.

[David Bore]

But we were always talking about that. Right.

[Mel Mitchell]

But in 2007 it was a story. I was a big B5 fan also.

[Langston Kerman]

Okay. Of course.

[Mel Mitchell]

I love B5.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah.

[David Bore]

B5.

[Langston Kerman]

B5. Were them five boys, the breeding five. They were like a rebuild of the Jackson five.

[David Bore]

Oh, super light skinned, kind of long

[Mel Mitchell]

hair, you know, the biracial.

[David Bore]

I know what you're talking about. Yeah, I know.

[Mel Mitchell]

You're just a girl.

[Langston Kerman]

And we thank you. We thank you for your.

[Mel Mitchell]

I've been keeping you out of business for a while.

[Langston Kerman]

Listen, a lot of people have turned on us so it's nice to know that there's somebody still out there.

[Mel Mitchell]

I tried my best. I was like, no, I'm getting me a chocolate king. It's like every time I go out, every like, oh, you a colorist bitch. I'm like, I swear I'm not like, I love me a chocolate king.

[David Bore]

You just fizz over my heart.

[Mel Mitchell]

Here come the green eyed niggas.

[David Bore]

I'm like, fuck man, that's how they come too.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah, yeah, we're a sleepy bar.

[Mel Mitchell]

Damn.

[David Bore]

No, I don't think this would work as well if you were a green eyed dude.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah, no, I, I wouldn't trust you to look in my eyes and not take advantage of that.

[David Bore]

Yeah, yeah, it'd be tough.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah.

[Mel Mitchell]

The green eyes is. I, I, Yeah, the green eyes is a lot. And my fiance has green eyes. I'm like, fuck, I never went full green eyes before. I never went full green eye.

[David Bore]

You did when it counted.

[Mel Mitchell]

I guess so.

[David Bore]

Yeah.

[Langston Kerman]

You said, you said green eyes for life. Yeah.

[Mel Mitchell]

No, it's like now it's just we green eyes in them.

[David Bore]

Yeah.

[Mel Mitchell]

So like my kids are gonna look like Steph Curry kids and it's like, okay, okay.

[David Bore]

Cute kids.

[Mel Mitchell]

That's just my life now.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah, yeah.

[Mel Mitchell]

Everyone's gonna have green eyes but me. Cause you know the genes gonna take up.

[David Bore]

Yeah.

[Langston Kerman]

And they are gonna talk different to you in the house.

[Mel Mitchell]

Yeah.

[David Bore]

Oh really? Is that.

[Mel Mitchell]

I'm already preparing for all the worst. The worst case scenario. I'm already waiting for it.

[David Bore]

Cause like my wife, I'm trying to darken her doorstep.

[Langston Kerman]

Okay.

[David Bore]

We're trying to bring it back. Cause she's good now.

[Langston Kerman]

I'm trying some. They're mixing it.

[David Bore]

Let's bring it back over here.

[Langston Kerman]

We can get back to straight black.

[David Bore]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Mel Mitchell]

So the bl. He does have eight great black great grandparents. I've checked. I don't even play like that. You know what I'm saying? I make sure he's just a monoracial. Light skinned fine. But yeah. How'd I even get on light skin? Oh, B5. Yes.

[Langston Kerman]

B5.

[Mel Mitchell]

Fleece and right. Fan fiction. And then. Is that the Wa.

[David Bore]

Wa. What you want? What's the, what was the B5 hit song?

[Mel Mitchell]

All I do is think.

[Langston Kerman]

Oh, that's right. They remade the Troop song.

[David Bore]

I'm thinking of a different song.

[Langston Kerman]

Oh, was it a Jackson pop song? I think it was a troop. Oh no, Troop remade it in the

[Mel Mitchell]

80s and they kind of sampled the true version, but it still. So that was like the whole. But Yeah. I was writing a sex scene between me and Chris Brown. I wrote a story and it was based off the song Circle by Marcus Houston.

[Langston Kerman]

Of course.

[Mel Mitchell]

Because. Of course it was.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah. And a fine man as well.

[David Bore]

Sure. No, no, because he was wearing see through trench coats. Yeah.

[Mel Mitchell]

Like he was never really for me, like it was marquis, like. Oh, sure.

[David Bore]

I think, I think he was too.

[Mel Mitchell]

And then once that Marianne came out, it's like, come on now.

[Langston Kerman]

I think Jefferson's heyday was his childhood.

[David Bore]

I was gonna say he was too sexy, too young.

[Mel Mitchell]

Once he grew up, it didn't.

[David Bore]

He was like. Cause immature. He dressed like a man, but he was still a boy. That's a tough fact to follow.

[Langston Kerman]

And you could tell that he was gonna have a weird shape. You know what I mean? Like it wasn't finished yet, but you

[Mel Mitchell]

could tell like it was the hair hid that head.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah.

[Mel Mitchell]

And once that head was unleashed, it was like, oh, that's your head.

[Langston Kerman]

He got. And I wanna be respectful about this. He got little person's head.

[David Bore]

Which is. That's an affliction that strikes many.

[Langston Kerman]

It's not a judgment, it is a. I think a shape wise. Yeah. Just is shaped like what I think is a part of a lot of

[Mel Mitchell]

his head is kind of like the Peanuts from Proud Family but like rotated.

[Langston Kerman]

Yes. And I want to be careful about making any more comparisons because now we're getting into dangerous territory of what I said mixing with what you said. And now they're going to be like, we are saying little people have peanut shaped head in my ear.

[Mel Mitchell]

Go deeper.

[Langston Kerman]

Stay with me now. And what hurt me is I was ordering all the way in. You're saying something important.

[Mel Mitchell]

I'm saying something separate of what you're saying.

[David Bore]

Cause I'm not beautiful.

[Langston Kerman]

That's all I need to do. Please don't get me sent to jail.

[Mel Mitchell]

So yeah, I was writing the erotic scene and it was like, okay. I was with Brian from B foul because he was the one that was my age. So I was like, okay. My name on everything was Brian's Girl 90.

[Langston Kerman]

That's beautiful.

[Mel Mitchell]

And thank you. And so I was with Brian in high school and we, we, you know, you know the song.

[David Bore]

Yeah.

[Mel Mitchell]

So we fell apart. And I'm with Chris Brown now because of course I am.

[David Bore]

Damn. You were going crazy.

[Mel Mitchell]

But this is like years later.

[David Bore]

Yeah.

[Mel Mitchell]

But like taste right at the time.

[Langston Kerman]

Right. You're not being tacky about it. You're not like next week now holding. No.

[Mel Mitchell]

Like they're grown now. So like they weren't together in high school. But now she's like, I don't know, old to me. At the time, I was like, oh, she's like 22. Who. She's so grown, so. Cause I'm 13 and I was writing a sex scene. Yeah, she's a lady. Whoa, whoa, whoa. And I was writing a sex scene between me and Chris Brown and say Brian's name during sex.

[Langston Kerman]

Oh, my God. And Chris Brown's not gonna like that at all.

[David Bore]

Not that country boy from Tapahannock, Va.

[Mel Mitchell]

Is where he resides. You already understand it, you know? And you see that bandana hanger? That means he's like a bandit.

[David Bore]

Like a bandit.

[Mel Mitchell]

Woof. Yeah.

[David Bore]

Oh, good for y'.

[Langston Kerman]

All.

[Mel Mitchell]

Kiss, kiss. It's. Come on.

[David Bore]

You know what I'm saying?

[Mel Mitchell]

And I'm like a. Chris Brown is really good. I had to, like, denounce Chris Brown because, like, you keep on embarrassing me. You're just not a good person. I can't keep but, like, like it. I be like, I'm a country boy from Ty Bannon. Oh, God, it just jumped out. Sorry.

[David Bore]

I like to think of it as a T Pain song.

[Mel Mitchell]

That is a good way to think of it.

[Langston Kerman]

That's healthy.

[Mel Mitchell]

I got Paper Girl. See, now, he started me, but yeah. So I was writing it in Word. And this is before WI Fi. And you had the little USB shit to put. Like, Sprint would sell the USB to get on the Internet. It was wireless, but you had one per household.

[David Bore]

Oh, I am aware of the technology.

[Mel Mitchell]

Okay. You weren't there, but you remember.

[David Bore]

I know that that was a way to get the Internet.

[Mel Mitchell]

So, yeah, this is like in between dial up and actual wireless. This was like the bridge. And she came in the room to bar, like, hey, can I borrow the Internet? Very 2007 question. And I was like, yeah, here, you know, But I'm on this big ass computer typing. And she's. My sister's 12 years old. To me, she's 25. So she's like, what the fuck are you in here doing?

[Langston Kerman]

What are you working on?

[David Bore]

She could feel it.

[Mel Mitchell]

She saw, like, I was saying, like, sexual words and she's like, are you you? I was like, no.

[David Bore]

Oh, no.

[Mel Mitchell]

She tells on me.

[David Bore]

Yeah, she has to. She has to.

[Mel Mitchell]

She's a man made a reporter.

[David Bore]

She's. She's 25. 12 years older. She was 25. She has.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah. I told her, my sister, I'm 10 and 10 years older than the next in line. And I told on them for.

[Mel Mitchell]

Yeah, my sister's told on Me, like, routine I couldn't deal with, especially if I was doing something they would have got in trouble for if they were my age and did it. They're like, oh, I'm telling on you, baby. So she told me, my mom. She didn't tell my dad, which I was thankful for, but she did tell my mom. And my mom made me print it out.

[David Bore]

Oh.

[Mel Mitchell]

The whole thing. And she read.

[Langston Kerman]

Publish it.

[Mel Mitchell]

She print. Control P. Oh, okay.

[Langston Kerman]

Thank God. I thought you meant, like.

[Mel Mitchell]

No, no, no. She printed the story, like, all of the, I don't know, 20 pages. And she sat there and read it. And I had to just sit there while she read it.

[David Bore]

And I'm just like, you know what's wild? You're not even the only person I know that that's happened to.

[Langston Kerman]

Whoa.

[David Bore]

My boy Zach, another comedian, he had that. He wrote shit. And his mom found it, and he came home, and his mom was like, he has a joke about it. But he came home and his mom was reading it, and she was like, my friend Catherine.

[Mel Mitchell]

My friend Catherine.

[David Bore]

He had written about her friend.

[Langston Kerman]

Her friend Catherine. He had written his own erotica about fucking.

[Mel Mitchell]

So fanfiction. Like on Bob's Burgers, Basically. Yeah.

[David Bore]

So I think maybe it happens. I never was that creative.

[Mel Mitchell]

I didn't do it with people I know.

[Langston Kerman]

My sister's. I shouldn't have said her name.

[David Bore]

No, no, no, no.

[Langston Kerman]

Redact that. My sister, one time, we caught her looking up porn, and she. The way they caught her is they looked through the Google history, and the Google history, like, the drop down was like. It said, naked man. And then it said, naked man with no clothes on. And then it said, naked man with no clothes on having sex. And it was just listening.

[Mel Mitchell]

Rookie. How old was she?

[Langston Kerman]

She was probably. It was young. It was like, 11. 10, 11.

[David Bore]

They said, Lexington, you've been on the computer again.

[Langston Kerman]

I said, I swear to God, that's not what I like.

[David Bore]

No.

[Mel Mitchell]

When I was 11, see, I had more research. I was watching the, like, the Cinemax shit, because I always. I've always been like, a night out. Everybody else in the house would be asleep. And I'm like, well, I'm up. So what's up? What's on? And I found it, like, organic.

[David Bore]

I was like, yeah, he's a big softcore guy.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah, I like softcore as well.

[Mel Mitchell]

It was my introduction. That's when they used to have, like, the real sex diaries.

[Langston Kerman]

And I think at this point, it's more a nostalgia for softcore than it is, like, a sincere like, it's not in practice. I am not, like, seeking softcore on a regular basis. I enjoyed the premise.

[David Bore]

I thought you were, like, online finding vintage. No.

[Langston Kerman]

And it sucks that you felt, because this is now maybe the second or third time you've repeated it to strangers

[David Bore]

as if it's fact. And I'm realizing I thought it was, like, a way that we bought.

[Langston Kerman]

I'm realizing it was the cool thing

[Mel Mitchell]

I knew about you, and you were proud.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah, he's been bragging about me around the house. You know, my pal here, he said,

[Mel Mitchell]

hey, soft core guy.

[Langston Kerman]

I thought it was classy.

[Mel Mitchell]

Cause it is classy. Because the way porn brain has really ruined the world.

[Langston Kerman]

Everything's porn now, and I do have an appreciation for it. I can finish the job with. With it, but it is not what I'm seeking.

[David Bore]

It's not active anymore.

[Langston Kerman]

No, no, no, it's not.

[Mel Mitchell]

Yeah. You know, I'm more of a Twitter porn kind of person, because it's just, you know.

[David Bore]

But did you ever go on Tumblr porn?

[Mel Mitchell]

Tumblr porn used to go crazy. Yeah, Me and my friends in high school. This has been such a horny episode. Y' all gonna judge me? This is your first time meeting me. I'm so sweet.

[Langston Kerman]

No, you've been here before. Yeah, on Zoom.

[Mel Mitchell]

But we weren't talking, right? We weren't talking about coochie the whole goddamn time. But there used to be a Tumblr page was just dicks.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah.

[Mel Mitchell]

And me and my friends, mind you, all, for the most part, virgins. We're all just scrolling. Okay, seven. Okay, that's a nice one. Just judging dicks. And we just scrolled for hours. Dicks on Tumblr. Tumblr used to be.

[Langston Kerman]

Tumblr was a good Western.

[Mel Mitchell]

Never let them forget what they took from us.

[David Bore]

No, it was. It could get as specific as you needed it.

[Mel Mitchell]

Yeah, how specific were you getting? Let's turn this off of me.

[David Bore]

Oh, dark nipples is what I'm thinking.

[Mel Mitchell]

Not dark nipples on dark skin or dark nipples on, like, dark nipples on

[David Bore]

dark skin, but dark. You just type in dark nipples, and then it's all dark nipples.

[Langston Kerman]

You get what you get when you type in dark nipples.

[Mel Mitchell]

Okay, so what is it about dark nipples? Like, how dark you talking? It only gets so dark.

[Langston Kerman]

How dark do they get?

[David Bore]

How deep is the Marianas Trench?

[Mel Mitchell]

Okay.

[David Bore]

How deep is the soul of a criminal? How dark.

[Langston Kerman]

What's the Angler Fist sleep?

[David Bore]

How dark is the bottom of nighttime?

[Mel Mitchell]

Okay, People, their things, man. You know what? Respect.

[David Bore]

Yeah, I Like that.

[Mel Mitchell]

That's very niche. But I'm not like.

[David Bore]

Well, what Tumblr taught me is. No, it's not.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah.

[David Bore]

A lot of guys, and I do think a lot of people in the

[Langston Kerman]

dark nipples, I think that's what made Tumblr beautiful, was it. Was. It had the instincts of Twitter. Right. But where you could look up any niche thing, but everybody had to have done at least a little bit of. Of curation community and a little bit of a checks and balances, where, like, if you say you're into dark nipples, you gotta study that shit. You gotta really make a collection and put it together as opposed to just saying something reckless and running away from.

[David Bore]

It's also what I found out about pillow humping.

[Mel Mitchell]

I think I heard about that too, but I never understood the concept of a pillow hump.

[David Bore]

Like, for you or for me to watch.

[Mel Mitchell]

Oh, yeah. Oh, to watch. Oh, I thought you meant as a concept. You know what?

[David Bore]

Oh, no. I would watch videos of ladies doing that. Cause it was not as, like,

[Mel Mitchell]

it

[David Bore]

felt not as hardcore as watching two people fuck.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah.

[David Bore]

But you could tell she was really enjoying it.

[Langston Kerman]

Sure. That pillow was hitting them spots.

[David Bore]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Langston Kerman]

Wow.

[Mel Mitchell]

Yeah. Okay.

[David Bore]

It was a whole community.

[Langston Kerman]

Okay.

[Mel Mitchell]

That's the thing the girls do be humping pillows. That's not for me.

[David Bore]

Oh, you don't gotta tell me.

[Mel Mitchell]

I know you know me, though.

[Langston Kerman]

It did.

[Mel Mitchell]

Well, I'm just letting you know, sir,

[Langston Kerman]

that they just came back from the convention.

[Mel Mitchell]

Pillow con is crazy.

[David Bore]

That's where that My pillow guy's at.

[Langston Kerman]

I just got back and my thighs are tired.

[Mel Mitchell]

Cause I tried it once. I'm like, the girls say we fucking pillows. Let me try to fucking pillow. I'm like, this is not even.

[Langston Kerman]

No. It doesn't seem like it would do

[David Bore]

much person to person.

[Mel Mitchell]

I think it depends on your coochie, though. If you have one in a coochie that's kind of like convertible, then it can get right to it.

[Langston Kerman]

And I think if you got a want and a will, you can make love out of, man, ain't that the truth? You know, that's the beauty of it.

[David Bore]

Ain't nothing that's not even just sexual.

[Langston Kerman]

And I think that's a beautiful way for us to send it to break, man.

[David Bore]

Okay. Yeah, yeah.

[Langston Kerman]

It was an emotional truth that maybe y' all need to sit with.

[Mel Mitchell]

I mean, Bubba shared a little bit before break, but it's all right. My mama follow me, bro.

[Langston Kerman]

Oh, really?

[Mel Mitchell]

My mama follows me,

[Langston Kerman]

Mel Mitchell. My mama told me Foreign.

[Mel Mitchell]

Reynolds here from Mint Mobile. I don't know if you knew this, but anyone can get the same premium wireless for 15amonth plan that I've been enjoying. It's not just for celebrities. So do like I did and have one of your assistant's assistants switch you to Mint Mobile today. I'm told it's super easy to [e-mail] Switch upfront payment of $45 for 3 month plan equivalent to $15 per month Required intro rate first 3 months only, then full price plan options available, taxes and fees, extra fee full [e-mail] youm know what quality feels like. You can see it in the way a fabric moves, recognize it in a flawless fit and appreciate it in the details that make our styles unique. It's the standard Coldwater Creek has honored for over 40 years, derived from a

[David Bore]

rich Mountain west heritage and designed for

[Mel Mitchell]

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[Langston Kerman]

sauce to dust to nuggets it's Taco Bell's new Diablo Dusted Crispy Chicken Nuggets. Are they mild?

[Mel Mitchell]

If they were mild, they'd have to change the name to Little Rascal Nuggets

[Langston Kerman]

or Minor Nuisance Nuggets.

[Mel Mitchell]

Nuggets, definitely.

[Langston Kerman]

Diablo New Diablo Dusted Crispy Chicken Nuggets

[Mel Mitchell]

a brand new classic only at Taco Bell at participating U S Taco Bell

[Langston Kerman]

locations for a limited time and while supplies last.

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[David Bore]

We're back.

[Mel Mitchell]

Did you get here, bitch? I caught the butt.

[David Bore]

Nobody supposed to be here.

[Mel Mitchell]

Well, bitch, I came to fuck.

[David Bore]

And we came to discuss coochie.

[Mel Mitchell]

We did. And then this is just a very educationally culturally episode, and we just talked about the lack of coochie education as young black girls. We don't have it. And it's everything. Sex, sex, sex, sex. Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad. Fast, fast, fast. Hot in the ass, Hot in the ass. We're not having the real conversation, even just coochie. And I think that just ties into sex ed as a whole. I wasn't talking to my mom about my coochie. I just wasn't.

[David Bore]

Right. And it's also crazy because it's like, if there were generic soaps that were making giving dicks, rashes or like, what. They'd have been like, yeah, they'd have put it on kids.

[Mel Mitchell]

It was the soap that was fucking me up.

[David Bore]

They'd put it on network tv. If Irish Spring was fucking your dick up, literally. You know what I'm saying?

[Mel Mitchell]

If men got pierced, it would just be blood trails in the streets. Just free pads.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah.

[David Bore]

I never shut up about it.

[Langston Kerman]

I also think it's crazy.

[David Bore]

If I had a period, I'd never watch dishes again. I'll tell you that right now.

[Mel Mitchell]

Just imagine. I wish y' all could feel a period. Just. And it's like, I don't.

[David Bore]

I don't hear anything.

[Mel Mitchell]

And they evolve as you get older. They change.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah, that scares me.

[David Bore]

Yeah.

[Mel Mitchell]

Like, one day on my period, I just started throwing up.

[Langston Kerman]

Uh oh. Last year, this time I'm not even supposed to be.

[Mel Mitchell]

I was throwing up during my period. Popped a blood vessel in my eye. My eye. I was fucked up for like a month.

[David Bore]

Yeah, that's horrible.

[Mel Mitchell]

From period.

[Langston Kerman]

But that is. It is normal. It is in the spectrum of normal. It just is.

[Mel Mitchell]

Nausea is part of period.

[Langston Kerman]

It's just part of it.

[Mel Mitchell]

Cramps. Sometimes the girls can't walk on their period.

[David Bore]

Listen, I am period sensitive.

[Langston Kerman]

Bless you.

[David Bore]

I am aware of it. I want nothing to do with it personally. Like, I don't want a period.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah. I don't want to feel it. I treat my wife's period like a cowboy recognizing another killer.

[Mel Mitchell]

You know what I mean?

[Langston Kerman]

Just like, oh, here, go hello, sir.

[Mel Mitchell]

As husbands, would y' all change our

[David Bore]

wives tampons if she was, like, confirmed?

[Mel Mitchell]

If she broke both her arms, she can't change her tampon.

[David Bore]

Yeah, I'll change her tampon.

[Mel Mitchell]

Do y' all know how tampon works?

[Langston Kerman]

I'll figure it out.

[David Bore]

I've read the little paper in the box.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah. It's like a push pop, push gently.

[Mel Mitchell]

It is a push pop.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah, it's a push pop.

[Mel Mitchell]

There it goes.

[David Bore]

Pull out the applicator.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah. Now I would be concerned with rough. Roughness.

[Mel Mitchell]

Roughness.

[Langston Kerman]

I just. I wouldn't know how.

[David Bore]

I think he thinks he's gonna jab it.

[Langston Kerman]

I'd be scared. I'd be somehow not sensitive enough inside of there. But I'd figure it out, I guess.

[Mel Mitchell]

It's like a syringe.

[Langston Kerman]

I hear you.

[Mel Mitchell]

Of sorts.

[David Bore]

No, I've seen it. I, I, I single mom. No, I'm saying you open the box of tables. Yeah.

[Langston Kerman]

No, I'm. No, no, no.

[Mel Mitchell]

I'm talking about, like, the, the speed.

[David Bore]

Give you some kind of insight, bro.

[Langston Kerman]

I used to think you could pull the cord and it would shoot out.

[Mel Mitchell]

Boing. And then there's also the issue of leaving a tampon in there.

[David Bore]

Yeah. Wrong. Yeah.

[Langston Kerman]

Yep.

[David Bore]

Toxic shock syndrome.

[Mel Mitchell]

That's right. Yeah. And so the period people used to come to our schools, always used to come to our schools and do assemblies and explain all those things.

[Langston Kerman]

Why weren't you learning?

[Mel Mitchell]

Yeah.

[David Bore]

Wait, where were you?

[Mel Mitchell]

That was about periods. It wasn't about.

[David Bore]

Oh, that wasn't about.

[Mel Mitchell]

It was about ph. Args. But they weren't hitting you.

[Langston Kerman]

They weren't like, showing you a diagram or nothing.

[Mel Mitchell]

They were showing.

[David Bore]

But that sideways diagram is confusing.

[Langston Kerman]

It is.

[David Bore]

When they cut that coochie half, and

[Langston Kerman]

then they're just like.

[David Bore]

I remember. It's like, that shit does not help anything. I'm trying to imagine my penis somewhere within this diagram.

[Mel Mitchell]

It don't make sense, but they show you. They give you pads. They show you how to put them on. They tell you about tampons. And one of them, Huff, is lied and says, you can flush tampons and you cannot.

[David Bore]

No, no, no, no.

[Mel Mitchell]

You cannot flush.

[David Bore]

That'll attract sharks.

[Langston Kerman]

That's how you get a shark coming up your bowl.

[David Bore]

Shark.

[Mel Mitchell]

NATO.

[David Bore]

That's what that was about.

[Mel Mitchell]

Yeah. They would explain things to us and, you know, one day and this. When I moved to Atlanta and I was in the cab, the people came there, too. And when that diagram came up, when it was like the coochie in the diagram and it was just. And some girl was like, ugh. And you should not be saying this to children. She was like, y' all be letting boys down there. So I don't know why you saying, ew.

[Langston Kerman]

Wow.

[David Bore]

It doesn't look like that to any of Us.

[Mel Mitchell]

Why are you saying that to these children?

[Langston Kerman]

That's crazy.

[Mel Mitchell]

And I was children at the time. I'm like, now, why would you say that?

[Langston Kerman]

That's not right.

[David Bore]

That is not nice.

[Langston Kerman]

That's insane to say.

[Mel Mitchell]

Oh, yeah, Coochie's, man.

[Langston Kerman]

Coochie's. Mel. We didn't. We didn't actually come here to talk about coochie.

[Mel Mitchell]

We did. That's the crazy part.

[David Bore]

I mean, we always kind of did.

[Langston Kerman]

We always did.

[Mel Mitchell]

Coochie's always on the brain, brother.

[Langston Kerman]

We made a plan, and then she somehow brought us there so fast.

[David Bore]

That's not how we didn't start coochie.

[Langston Kerman]

We were always gonna get there. But, man, did you. You jumped the gun fast.

[Mel Mitchell]

Sorry. I derailed the whole episode. We having a great time, though.

[David Bore]

There's a lot of podcast episodes that are completely devoted to dick, so I think we can spend 40 minutes on a feature.

[Mel Mitchell]

I ain't supposed to talk about my coochie. I didn't even talk about the good things about her. She's great. She's a nice girl.

[Langston Kerman]

Mm.

[Mel Mitchell]

I've heard she's very warm, fantastic reader. She has perks. She's a sweet girl. She just had to figure it out. She had to catch her footing. But once she caught her footing, I mean, that summer 2018.

[Langston Kerman]

My God, let's go.

[Mel Mitchell]

2019. She was outside.

[Langston Kerman]

Oh, shit. She went outside in 2020.

[Mel Mitchell]

She did.

[Langston Kerman]

Okay, good.

[Mel Mitchell]

A lot of people, I think you

[David Bore]

were married in 2020, right?

[Langston Kerman]

No, yeah, I was married by it.

[David Bore]

Yeah. A lot of us who were. We did. We found out how far we were willing to go, is what pandemic, I

[Mel Mitchell]

think, unfortunately, I didn't get my proper, like, goodbye to the streets because the pandemic hit. And I live with my mom, and I was also at risk myself for being asthmatic. So I was like, I genuinely will die, so I can't even play like that. And it was in Atlanta. Cause it was open. Nothing closed in Atlanta. I could have been outside if I wanted to. And then I met my now fiance on Twitter. The summer of 2020. Damn.

[Langston Kerman]

So you was randomly on suicide with someone else?

[Mel Mitchell]

I didn't even have no proper send off.

[David Bore]

I got my.

[Mel Mitchell]

And had I known that was my husband, I had no clue. I thought it was just some boy from Twitter. I just wanted a dick pic.

[David Bore]

Yeah, right. Okay.

[Langston Kerman]

And you liked those?

[Mel Mitchell]

At the time, I was young, okay? At the time, I was like, ooh, a cute little boy. But them like, hey, fellas, you got one? No, you don't not no more. I was like, I'll get his number. Maybe he'll send me a picture of his dick. We're gonna be lit.

[David Bore]

Yeah.

[Mel Mitchell]

And I was like, oh, no, I think I actually.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah.

[Mel Mitchell]

Like, this is amazing. I'm having a great time.

[Langston Kerman]

And it's like, now show me your heart. Pick. Yeah, I'm trying to see that heart,

[Mel Mitchell]

trying to see that heartbeat king. And then now I'm be making chicken thighs on a Thursday.

[Langston Kerman]

That's beautiful.

[David Bore]

That's great.

[Mel Mitchell]

Or he'll be making chicken thighs, and I'll be watching, like, girl stuff on tv. I don't know. Like, we rotate.

[David Bore]

We were just talking about that. Me and my wife rotated.

[Langston Kerman]

You guys swap back and forth with who cooks.

[David Bore]

It's usually whosever idea it is for that dinner. I'll make it. So if it's like. If I'm like, oh, I think we should have chicken thighs and sweet potatoes tonight, I'll make it.

[Mel Mitchell]

I. I only clean, so we doesn't cook clean.

[David Bore]

Yeah.

[Mel Mitchell]

Oh, our. Our thing is like, if. If I cook, he does the dishes. If he cooks, I do the dishes.

[Langston Kerman]

And I've. I've opted out of the switch. And I just go, this is laundry. That's your side. She wouldn't. She doesn't ask me to, but if she asked me to, I would.

[David Bore]

Laundry is my most hated chore. Oh, okay. Yeah, I don't.

[Langston Kerman]

It actually doesn't bother me at all, man.

[David Bore]

I hate it.

[Langston Kerman]

Cooking stresses me the fuck out.

[David Bore]

Cooking is, like, fun. Especially if you put on music or you throw on.

[Mel Mitchell]

Oh, my God. I say, hey, Siri, play some R and B. Yeah. Now it's Summer Walker, and I'm

[David Bore]

Alexa. Play Contagious.

[Mel Mitchell]

Why? Well, no, that's not a good cooking song.

[David Bore]

I go, alexa, that's a good song. Any time of the. Any activity I would like. I love that song.

[Mel Mitchell]

I remember the.

[David Bore]

I don't remember why I got so serious. I'm serious.

[Langston Kerman]

You got mad. That's why I laughed. You got mad.

[David Bore]

You know what it is? Is. Cause I was. I was in the car with Alana, and we were driving, and I was like, we were coming back from Costco, and I was like, I want to hear some Kelly Price. And then I was just listening to a friend of mine, and I was like, she did not get what she deserved.

[Mel Mitchell]

Yeah, Fatphobia.

[Langston Kerman]

I think so. Yeah.

[David Bore]

But Friend of Mine was a big hit.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah.

[Mel Mitchell]

Yeah. But it was like. Actually, I can't even talk about it. Cause I wasn't. I don't remember that.

[Langston Kerman]

What was the. As We Slept.

[Mel Mitchell]

I remember the song as We Slept.

[David Bore]

Yeah.

[Mel Mitchell]

The Heartbreak Hotel. Whitney.

[David Bore]

Yeah.

[Langston Kerman]

She has some hits.

[Mel Mitchell]

Whitney.

[David Bore]

Yeah. I like that. Later Whitney, too. Like Heartbreak Hotel.

[Langston Kerman]

What's the other one? Them drugs didn't take the game away from me.

[David Bore]

No, no. What's the other one from that era?

[Langston Kerman]

She was still doing it.

[David Bore]

What's the other hit from Heartbreak Hotel era?

[Langston Kerman]

It's the.

[Mel Mitchell]

But now you're pulling out to eat.

[David Bore]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Mel Mitchell]

She Even her last album was hit. I look to you. Oh, I miss Whitney so bad. I'm just gonna start crying.

[David Bore]

I do think Let Me be me.

[Langston Kerman]

I think the real, real greats, they

[David Bore]

kept cooking after the drugs.

[Langston Kerman]

Michael, he ain't really miss. Even with the ending. He was like, Make Fucking Invincible is a great album. You know what I mean?

[Mel Mitchell]

Yeah. I mean, talent is talent.

[David Bore]

Yeah.

[Mel Mitchell]

You know, now it's like the drugs. I think if you start off off on drugs, now you depending on, like, these new rappers. You own them fenty facts. And you on that.

[Langston Kerman]

All that perks.

[Mel Mitchell]

The perks is writing the songs. You not.

[David Bore]

Yeah, and that's not a good drug flavor.

[Mel Mitchell]

You're into the drugs.

[David Bore]

I think there are drugs. You want to write songs for you. I don't think Percocet is one of them.

[Langston Kerman]

And Percocet. You're not putting Percocet in the liner notes. But you should.

[David Bore]

I think LSD could write you a song.

[Langston Kerman]

LSD probably would.

[Mel Mitchell]

Lsd give us a lot of art.

[David Bore]

Yeah. I hate to be that guy. Alice in Wonderland, I think done in correct doses. Crack get you a hit.

[Langston Kerman]

Crack will get you.

[Mel Mitchell]

See, the thing about crack is. And we've been talking about crack this week. I don't know if it's just the LA of it all, but, like, I

[David Bore]

learned crack is a national issue.

[Mel Mitchell]

I'm thinking about Snowfall. That's how I Again. I was born in 1994. I wasn't there.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah.

[David Bore]

For snowfall. Do you think we were?

[Mel Mitchell]

No, I'm just saying for, like, crack.

[Langston Kerman]

Oh.

[Mel Mitchell]

Like, I didn't really, like, see crack outside, like. But it had died down a little bit by the time I was born. Crack was still crack. Yeah, but, like, 80s.

[Langston Kerman]

It wasn't like, late 80s.

[David Bore]

Yeah, exactly.

[Langston Kerman]

When we were born. Don't matter when we.

[David Bore]

Oh, I keep saying our age.

[Langston Kerman]

You keep it up, man.

[David Bore]

I'm sorry. We're trying to act.

[Mel Mitchell]

1987. That's what y' all get.

[Langston Kerman]

Oh, damn, brother. She got us. Fuck. We were really hoping it was Gonna be better.

[David Bore]

It's so funny. You got it exactly right.

[Langston Kerman]

Our birthdays are like two weeks apart.

[David Bore]

Yeah, it's pretty soon.

[Mel Mitchell]

That's cute. That's next week.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah, Two weeks.

[David Bore]

Two weeks.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah.

[Mel Mitchell]

Yeah. Taurus, Aries.

[David Bore]

Yeah.

[Langston Kerman]

Taurus, Taurus.

[David Bore]

And he's just as Taurus as I am.

[Langston Kerman]

Fix your face. Don't you dare disrespect. It's a fine incorporation. I don't even know what.

[Mel Mitchell]

Every time I've dealt with a tourism man, I've needed therapy.

[Langston Kerman]

Okay, and we learned something from your

[David Bore]

experience because you lost such a good thing.

[Langston Kerman]

Yep,

[Mel Mitchell]

I lost something.

[Langston Kerman]

Sounds like somebody was in the Heartbreak Hotel.

[Mel Mitchell]

Do a thing. That was a good one.

[Langston Kerman]

I got a friend in this village.

[Mel Mitchell]

Yeah. Y' all are insane.

[Langston Kerman]

Mel, you came to us today with a conspiracy theory that we'll probably barely talk about, but who gives a. You said, you said. My mama told me

[Mel Mitchell]

they've already soft launched the aliens. Yeah. So they're kind of like dropping breadcrumbs. What's the white man that said? Something. But then again, it's 2026. I don't know if it's true or not, but says something about the aliens. Like. Like, y' all not even ready.

[David Bore]

Yeah, yeah.

[Mel Mitchell]

Y know, the information. What was it? Cuz I've been like, just scroll scrolling through my phone like, I don't know anybody's names anymore. I don't. Yeah, it's just like, dang.

[Langston Kerman]

There was an era where there were people being like, we are fully admitting that there are aliens. Obama said it. Trump has announced it and opened up documents that objectively prove aliens of some being or something exists.

[David Bore]

Yes.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah.

[Mel Mitchell]

So my thing is just like, okay, so now what? And they're purposely like overloading us with like, fuck shit all the time so we don't have time to even worry about the aliens. Because gas is $9.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah.

[Mel Mitchell]

So it's just like, where are the aliens? I would like to see that. And I'm a very big sci fi nerd. So I'm like, are you gonna give me some aliens or you gonna reanimate them dinosaurs? Give me something.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah.

[Mel Mitchell]

Cause I've been ready for these aliens. I'm not saying, like, you know, in Independence Day when they. They got on the roof and was like, take me. I'm not gonna do that. But I would like to see them.

[David Bore]

What if their form is so amazing it can't even be perceived?

[Mel Mitchell]

And I think that's what it is. I think. But the same thing. Other thing is, I think there's several, obviously. There's way. There's billions of other light years and shit. And did y' all watch Project Hail Mary?

[David Bore]

I don't. Not yet.

[Langston Kerman]

And don't you dare spoil that movie.

[Mel Mitchell]

I won't be spoil. I mean, space, that's. I mean, there is an alien and if you've seen the trailer, there's an alien. But like, it was like we can't even. We've made like these humanoid.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah.

[David Bore]

We always make it look like costumes,

[Mel Mitchell]

but I'm trying to figure out where. But the reason that they have that even prototype is because of the reports from Area 51.

[David Bore]

The Gray Boys.

[Mel Mitchell]

Mm.

[Langston Kerman]

Grays. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[David Bore]

Were they not called the Gray Boys?

[Langston Kerman]

Grays.

[David Bore]

I just added boys.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah.

[David Bore]

Okay.

[Langston Kerman]

And that's cool. You put a vibe on it?

[David Bore]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Langston Kerman]

I'm not against it at all.

[Mel Mitchell]

But that's been the archetype because that's what they saw. They was the first ones to come over here and they got arms and legs like us. But like. Like you said, like, like on some. Nope. Shit. Like the alien is not even.

[David Bore]

I think that is more if you're. If you're meant. If. If your body's adapted to a completely different system. Why would you even be close?

[Mel Mitchell]

I.

[David Bore]

It'd be crazy to think that this is the most efficient body on all of planets. Everywhere.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah.

[David Bore]

That everybody would have bought Earth, where

[Mel Mitchell]

we have the air and the water and the shit. But if you. You got bleeborp and them on Junitron.

[David Bore]

Uh huh.

[Mel Mitchell]

And y' all don't even.

[David Bore]

I call those names.

[Mel Mitchell]

Y' all got fucking elements that we don't even have over there yet.

[David Bore]

Why would you even have feet, let alone be bipedal? Maybe it's better to have 10 of them.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah. It wouldn't even make sense over there.

[David Bore]

You got a back for what?

[Langston Kerman]

Y' all got double iron.

[David Bore]

Yeah. Yes.

[Amy Eric]

You walk.

[David Bore]

Yeah. Got eight titties. That's. Maybe that's.

[Langston Kerman]

Is that too many for you?

[David Bore]

For you.

[Langston Kerman]

Maybe you can't handle that.

[David Bore]

But I'll be honest.

[Mel Mitchell]

I'm trying to just visualize eight titties, like where they would all go.

[David Bore]

It's not difficult for me.

[Langston Kerman]

Here's what I would prefer is that they're.

[David Bore]

I'd like two of them on your shoulder. Like, shoulder.

[Langston Kerman]

I was about to say I want them in pairs.

[David Bore]

What have you done for me, baby?

[Mel Mitchell]

So for me, as someone who has like titties for real, like, not like for real, like big titty. Congratulations on That I just have titties. Yes.

[Langston Kerman]

Thank you.

[Mel Mitchell]

They came eventually, and I'm just thinking of the logistics.

[David Bore]

It's a lot of brassiere.

[Langston Kerman]

Like, I don't think they do bras if you got eight titties.

[Mel Mitchell]

Well.

[David Bore]

And if their gravity's lighter, you don't have to.

[Mel Mitchell]

I'm just trying to think. Yeah, like titty maintenance. I don't think you understand what having titties is.

[David Bore]

But imagine less gravity. They just sit up on their own. They're not even weighed down sometimes. You see what I'm saying?

[Mel Mitchell]

That's not fun, though.

[David Bore]

Like, underwater.

[Mel Mitchell]

But, I mean, I guess y' all have balls. So y know how it feels to have something like touching you all day?

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah.

[David Bore]

Yeah.

[Mel Mitchell]

So that's. That sounds like hell.

[David Bore]

It's really manageable.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah, it's pretty cool.

[David Bore]

It's pretty.

[Mel Mitchell]

I guess, because all my clothes are, like, tight.

[Langston Kerman]

So we're not really going to ever complain about what we got going on, I think.

[Mel Mitchell]

Because it doesn't hurt, right? It doesn't hurt.

[Langston Kerman]

No, never.

[David Bore]

I mean, if somebody hits you in that directly.

[Langston Kerman]

It's been a while since my.

[David Bore]

You take. The older you get, the less nutshots you take.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah, for sure. Yeah. And I'm proud. I'm proud that I took.

[Mel Mitchell]

But don't you have kids on kids?

[David Bore]

It's like, kids, dogs.

[Mel Mitchell]

The dog will get it by the dogs. Okay.

[David Bore]

Dog will get it.

[Langston Kerman]

We've had big talks in my house about not doing that.

[David Bore]

Not doing that. Yeah, I know you're excited that dad just came home.

[Langston Kerman]

You can hit me a lot of places. Don't hit me there.

[Mel Mitchell]

So how do you say that?

[Langston Kerman]

Two or three row exactly? Like I just said, don't hit daddy in the balls. Yes, absolutely.

[David Bore]

Well, I don't think you have to say balls.

[Langston Kerman]

We don't call it balls.

[David Bore]

What y' all call them?

[Langston Kerman]

Penis.

[Mel Mitchell]

Okay. Don't hide.

[David Bore]

That's good. Don't hide from it. Yeah, don't hide from it. Y' all got.

[Langston Kerman]

You got a vagina. He got a penis. I got a. Yeah, we got smart,

[David Bore]

you know, that reminds me of.

[Mel Mitchell]

This is a deep cut. Look who's talking. Penis.

[David Bore]

Mommy.

[Mel Mitchell]

Where, Mommy?

[David Bore]

Penance with Ted Danson. Yeah, back when he was young, his name was Mikey. The little boy's name was Mikey.

[Mel Mitchell]

Ted Danson. Who was Ted. Oh, he was a voice.

[David Bore]

No, Ted Danson was a dad.

[Mel Mitchell]

No, it wasn't. It was John Travolta.

[David Bore]

Was it?

[Mel Mitchell]

Yes.

[David Bore]

What's Ted Danson in? Three Men and a Baby. What's Three Men and a Baby.

[Mel Mitchell]

Ted dancing. Maybe the real baby daddy. I don't know, but maybe it was the daddy. Look who's talking is John Travolta.

[David Bore]

Yeah, he's. He's an actual dad. He's got the baby. He's like, you, man. That was a combo.

[Mel Mitchell]

That is film. And then like, look who's talking too. And then look who's talking now. And it was the dogs talking. I didn't like that one as much.

[David Bore]

No, that's not as funny.

[Langston Kerman]

And Kirstie Alley was the mom.

[Mel Mitchell]

She was. And that was my bitch from that. And then she just ruined her legacy. And no one even cares. She died.

[Langston Kerman]

She told maybe the funniest story before she died. To me, the funniest story. It's hate. It's purely hateful. It's awful.

[Mel Mitchell]

Awful. Yeah, as I expected.

[Langston Kerman]

But it is funny, objectively. She's telling this story of how her parents. Parents died. And she explains that her parents died on Halloween night and they were going to a party. One of them dressed like a Klansman, the other one dressed like us, like a slave.

[David Bore]

And then they died.

[Langston Kerman]

And then they died in a car crash.

[Mel Mitchell]

I bet they did.

[Langston Kerman]

And she's telling it like it's a sad story.

[Mel Mitchell]

Yes, I remember that. I remember that. And everyone's like, yeah, I bet they did die.

[David Bore]

That they died. Yeah.

[Mel Mitchell]

Good. Mom. Do you ever feel, you know, not so fresh? Ew. No, no, no. You're just using that. That could have applied for the whole episode.

[David Bore]

No, I forgot I had it. Okay, I'll be honest. I'll be honest.

[Mel Mitchell]

I'm like, that's. Come on now.

[David Bore]

See you guys. What happened?

[Mel Mitchell]

Yeah. Kirsty Alley is another one of my favorites. Drop Dead Gorgeous. That's a classic.

[Langston Kerman]

She had a run. Cheers. She was doing it.

[Mel Mitchell]

A classic. But yeah, the aliens.

[Langston Kerman]

Tell. Tell me what you think. Think the aliens are meant to do.

[Mel Mitchell]

I think they're already here.

[Langston Kerman]

And are you fearful of them? Like, what do you think that they're like, something we need to worry about?

[Mel Mitchell]

If they wanted to kill us, they would have been did it or if

[David Bore]

they even met any kind of harm. Right. It's like goes back accounts from the government go back so far at least, you know, 67.

[Mel Mitchell]

Like, they kidnapped one crazy nigga per court. Ah, I saw aliens. Shut up. Crazy nigga. And they get like, did you see the East Atlanta alien nigga going 85 south show?

[Langston Kerman]

Yes.

[David Bore]

Oh, he's great. We love him.

[Mel Mitchell]

That was so funny.

[David Bore]

We loved him.

[Mel Mitchell]

That was so funny. But I do believe they really be doing that. Like, no one's gonna believe you. Crazy.

[David Bore]

Right? Right, right.

[Mel Mitchell]

Like, even in Independence Day, like, the crazy niggas. I told y' all niggas, I saw that alien, 1972. I told y'. All.

[David Bore]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Mel Mitchell]

And he went up to fight and then died.

[David Bore]

Right.

[Langston Kerman]

But I do think that there's a level of. Of sort of like intentional feeding us information that feels like they know a lot more than they're even willing to share. Because even with like, fucking the. The. The space army that Trump established, they claim the whole point is to be fighting against other countries in. In space.

[Mel Mitchell]

Space race.

[Langston Kerman]

It's. It's not. It has nothing to do with aliens, which means that y' all know something about our safety as it relates to that.

[Mel Mitchell]

This is why that nigga keeps on trying to go to the moon so they can establish a colony out there and leave us here to die.

[Langston Kerman]

Well, yeah. You are worried about us. And the aliens is. Yeah. Ultimately the point. They're like, no humans are in the moon.

[Mel Mitchell]

Last week, ain't anybody called and tell me nothing. I like the moon.

[Langston Kerman]

They're up there. Yeah.

[David Bore]

Like, you mean called to invite you to go?

[Mel Mitchell]

No, because the look on Gail's face when they went to space a couple months ago.

[David Bore]

Oh, that embarrassed.

[Mel Mitchell]

Yeah, my nervous.

[Langston Kerman]

She had the dookie real bad after

[Mel Mitchell]

I was shit up my back and that was anti gravity shit, just floating and you can't do nothing with it. You just gotta try to catch it. I don't wanna shit.

[Langston Kerman]

They didn't tell her to use the bathroom beforehand. She got off. She needed to dookie bad. It. It.

[Mel Mitchell]

Yeah.

[Langston Kerman]

Space fucked up her bowels.

[Mel Mitchell]

I would've liked to know we was going to the moon for real. But again, they overload us with so much fuck shit that I don't even wanna read the news. And I look up, it's a black man in space.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah, finally. But they're not even going up there to do alien. That's their claim. And so to me, that means aliens must be not the threat at all.

[Mel Mitchell]

I think it just. It will take so long. I think we like. Did y' all watch the dinosaur documentary?

[Langston Kerman]

No. Which Netflix?

[Mel Mitchell]

There are like a thousand, but the new one with Morgan Freeman on Netflix.

[Langston Kerman]

Oh, Morgan Freeman's doing.

[David Bore]

It's called Dinosaurs. I don't know why I said it like that.

[Langston Kerman]

Dinosaurs.

[Mel Mitchell]

I think so. It's good as fuck. But it just showed me like, we're just such a. Yeah, we're really just evolved Monkeys in a room talking about coochies.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah. What a beautiful way to see it.

[David Bore]

Yeah.

[Mel Mitchell]

Thank you.

[Langston Kerman]

We're evolved monkeys talking about coochies. Can we keep that as the tagline for this show?

[Mel Mitchell]

You got it. We're just evolved monkeys, you know, and we figured it out. But like, we had to beat out so many people to even make it here.

[Langston Kerman]

Wow.

[Mel Mitchell]

Like, not even just beat out even

[David Bore]

other versions of us.

[Mel Mitchell]

That's what I'm saying. Not even ancestrally, but just like evolutionally.

[David Bore]

We killed the Neanderthals.

[Mel Mitchell]

The Neanderthals, like, we just, we really. We did this shit.

[David Bore]

We fucked them up. Right.

[Mel Mitchell]

Worried about the dinosaurs. I was in there crying about the fucking dinosaurs. This shit happened 65 million years ago. Because they didn't deserve that. Like, they showed like, obviously like an animated dramatization of the meteor hitting and shit. But like even showing like the first dinosaurs because, like, did you know that pterodactyls aren't dinosaurs?

[Langston Kerman]

The birds, they're not birds.

[Mel Mitchell]

Birds are dinosaurs.

[David Bore]

Yeah, birds are dinosaurs.

[Mel Mitchell]

Pterodactyls are just flying reptiles. So like alligators and shit. So what makes a dinosaur a dinosaur is them standing with their. It's the hip bone and the leg being up under them.

[Langston Kerman]

They gotta toot that thing up.

[Mel Mitchell]

Exactly. And. But the, you know, like a crocodile's arms are on the side, turtles are on the side. But dinosaurs are like reptiles.

[Langston Kerman]

Pillow princess.

[Mel Mitchell]

Right? I'm not explaining it very well.

[Langston Kerman]

Are they cold blooded popping that pussy? Yeah, I get it.

[David Bore]

Are they cold blooded?

[Langston Kerman]

I think it's all cold over there.

[Mel Mitchell]

Probably because they are still a reptile.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah, yeah.

[Mel Mitchell]

There are reptiles in the dinosaur. But dinosaurs are reptiles. But reptiles are not dinosaurs. That makes sense.

[Langston Kerman]

But some of them give live birth and some of them lay eggs. So maybe it's a little more complicated than that.

[Mel Mitchell]

So. Yeah, and that is also a thing. So we talked about that. Like, and then they just had to fight so many predators. They just got ate every time. Like, okay, this is the new dinosaur.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah.

[Mel Mitchell]

Okay. What the fuck?

[Langston Kerman]

What the fuck?

[David Bore]

I mean, that's how it goes out here, though.

[Mel Mitchell]

And then when the meteor came, I didn't know this about the fucking meteor. I'm over here enjoying cenotes. These people died for this.

[David Bore]

Yeah, well, they were dinosaurs.

[Mel Mitchell]

These dinosaurs died for this. And I'm over here swimming and shit in the fresh water. They died.

[Langston Kerman]

She, like, that dinosaur had a son.

[Mel Mitchell]

He had a family. And the only dinosaurs that survived were the little ones that could fit in the caves because. Okay, the meteor hit. They saw it coming. Like what the fuck? It hit the ones that were in. They said it was like the 300 atomic bombs.

[David Bore]

Yeah, the big dogs. They're out of here.

[Mel Mitchell]

They were immediately vaporized. But then it like on Paradise. You know how like the smoke cloud.

[Langston Kerman]

I don't wanna go out.

[Mel Mitchell]

The smoke cloud hit.

[Langston Kerman]

If something's coming to the planet, I wanna be right under that.

[Mel Mitchell]

Yeah. Vaporize me. I don't wanna hit. I don't wanna survive.

[Langston Kerman]

I don't want me and my family unsuspecting.

[David Bore]

You don't wanna deal with the fall?

[Mel Mitchell]

Don't even know.

[Langston Kerman]

I don't want anybody to have to suffer. Suffer through sort of like the slow death of a plant.

[David Bore]

And you don't want to scavenge the wasteland like it matters.

[Mel Mitchell]

Oh, no, I wouldn't, man.

[Langston Kerman]

I'm not trying to teach my babies to eat bugs.

[David Bore]

I'd be so useless killing people for Guzzalane.

[Mel Mitchell]

Absolutely not.

[Langston Kerman]

Book Eli out here now.

[David Bore]

You can't see no more.

[Langston Kerman]

You love the Bible, but I know karate. That's pretty cool.

[Mel Mitchell]

The smoke cloud covered the earth eventually. And then they got cold and they started slowly dying.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah.

[Mel Mitchell]

And they just died. So I'm like. These died slow. I thought they all just immediately died. So they made it sad. Then the media made cenotes in Mexico because it hit in Mexico. And that's how we had to. I was hurt because I beat him. Cenotes. I beat excursions. I was just over there.

[Langston Kerman]

Damn.

[Mel Mitchell]

Damn. These n died. Fuck, man.

[Langston Kerman]

There was mini raptors in here.

[Mel Mitchell]

It was balls. These things, man.

[David Bore]

And now you're getting your self care going.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah, man.

[Mel Mitchell]

So rest in peace to the dinosaurs, bro.

[Langston Kerman]

That rest in peace dinosaur. We don't say that enough.

[David Bore]

We don't rest in peace to the real.

[Mel Mitchell]

But what if.

[Langston Kerman]

Uhoh.

[Mel Mitchell]

I'mma land the plane.

[David Bore]

Yeah, let's go.

[Langston Kerman]

If you say a black girl land before time. I'm listening. Hold on.

[Mel Mitchell]

But what if.

[David Bore]

I don't know why I just.

[Mel Mitchell]

Aliens came and picked up some dinosaurs and move them because they knew. What if the meteor was a ship and they had some people come get the dinosaurs? The dinosaurs might still be somewhere.

[David Bore]

Oh, you really don't want them to have died.

[Langston Kerman]

This means a lot.

[Mel Mitchell]

Are you saying that. What are you saying?

[Langston Kerman]

I think there's no.

[Mel Mitchell]

What you trying to say?

[David Bore]

I'm saying that you really.

[Langston Kerman]

But what if I think there's no farm in space?

[David Bore]

Yes.

[Mel Mitchell]

You don't know what's out there. You don't know.

[Langston Kerman]

I don't think they sent the dinosaurs to a different.

[Mel Mitchell]

I'm just saying the possibilities of aliens. Because what if the aliens are the dinosaurs? The grandmama's a baby.

[Langston Kerman]

Okay, if this male is what you need, I think that's awesome.

[Mel Mitchell]

But just you think about 65 million years ago, 200 million years. Like Earth is young. So the other planets, they've been here too. They got their own dinosaur.

[Langston Kerman]

As far as we know, they don't.

[Mel Mitchell]

Not a literal dinosaur, but they got their own prehistoric shit. You know what I'm saying?

[Langston Kerman]

I think what is a bummer about our communication about space is it always is framed around like shit that looks

[David Bore]

like us and our timeline.

[Langston Kerman]

And our timeline and time don't exist away. I bet they've had some real freaky out there.

[David Bore]

Days and years, everything. If you got a different suns and moons, you gotta.

[Mel Mitchell]

It's like fucking Pennywise. Yeah, he's existing all at once. Did y' all watch welcome to Derry?

[Langston Kerman]

I did not.

[David Bore]

It's good.

[Langston Kerman]

Okay.

[David Bore]

Horror is not my genre.

[Mel Mitchell]

Horror's not my genre either, but I heard it was niggas on there. So I was like, okay, fine.

[Langston Kerman]

I heard they squaring up.

[David Bore]

Oh, for real?

[Langston Kerman]

I heard they get busy.

[David Bore]

I like attack the block for black horror.

[Langston Kerman]

Okay. It was crazy choice.

[David Bore]

Yeah. Yeah. To the book, brother.

[Mel Mitchell]

Spoiler alert. At the end of the movie, at the end of the season, he's like. Like, I'm already fighting you 30 years from now, bitch. Basically, he's existing all at once.

[David Bore]

Wow.

[Mel Mitchell]

So the aliens probably been here.

[Langston Kerman]

Infinite.

[Mel Mitchell]

That was. That was the. The big. You know.

[David Bore]

Pennywise.

[Mel Mitchell]

Pennywise.

[Langston Kerman]

God damn.

[Mel Mitchell]

God damn it. But even Pennywise. Do y' all watch it?

[David Bore]

I haven't seen it. I don't even know what it is.

[Mel Mitchell]

Not even a body.

[David Bore]

I thought it was that show about the Irish girls, to be honest.

[Mel Mitchell]

The Irish girls?

[David Bore]

Dairy girls. That's what I'm thinking of.

[Mel Mitchell]

Pennywise. Like he's taking the form of a clown, but he's like three dots.

[David Bore]

He's three guys.

[Mel Mitchell]

He's three dots.

[David Bore]

What are you saying?

[Mel Mitchell]

He's three dots.

[David Bore]

Ok, this is not working.

[Mel Mitchell]

Pennywise's true form is like three dots and it just is like three dots going like this.

[David Bore]

Oh, oh. And you saying that's what aliens could be? It could be anything.

[Langston Kerman]

I'm not good at fighting. No.

[Mel Mitchell]

So he takes the form.

[David Bore]

I'm already better at dots than Men of the Clown.

[Langston Kerman]

I've never fought a dot. Maybe I could beat the shit out of dot.

[David Bore]

So he's three Dots. But he could turn into a clown.

[Mel Mitchell]

He can take the form of anything and then whatever scares you. Oh, so what are you afraid of?

[Langston Kerman]

Clowns. Yeah.

[Mel Mitchell]

Those things that didn't really have an example. What are you afraid of?

[David Bore]

Weirdly, three dots.

[Langston Kerman]

That's when he really is.

[Mel Mitchell]

He becomes a three dotted clown.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah.

[Mel Mitchell]

Now it's your worst case.

[Langston Kerman]

We get the premise. Yeah. It can be whatever I was trying.

[Mel Mitchell]

Cause this girl daddy died on the show and he turned into her dad in a pickle jar and it was crazy as fuck.

[Langston Kerman]

Okay.

[David Bore]

Things you're saying are confusing me so much.

[Langston Kerman]

You were hoping to watch. Welcome to Dairy. There's never been a better advertisement.

[Mel Mitchell]

Thank you.

[David Bore]

Or Dairy Girls.

[Langston Kerman]

Dairy Girls. Watch that too.

[David Bore]

It's about these Irish girls.

[Mel Mitchell]

But one last point.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah.

[Mel Mitchell]

The ocean.

[Langston Kerman]

Let's go. And that is a point.

[David Bore]

This is my favorite place. I love the ocean so much.

[Langston Kerman]

The man loves the ocean. And I bet what you're gonna say, or at least where you're leading us is the fact that we know so little about it.

[Mel Mitchell]

Exactly. Exactly.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah.

[Mel Mitchell]

So

[Langston Kerman]

I'm listening.

[Mel Mitchell]

Either two options.

[Langston Kerman]

Uh huh. Choose your own adventure.

[David Bore]

You know I like that.

[Mel Mitchell]

Either the aliens are in the ocean.

[Langston Kerman]

Okay.

[Mel Mitchell]

Or door number two. The dinosaurs in the ocean.

[Langston Kerman]

Oh, there's dinosaurs down there for you.

[Mel Mitchell]

Wait, it could be. Don't know this one.

[David Bore]

I mean listen. There's more ocean than there is land. Anything could be going on down there.

[Langston Kerman]

It might be dinosaurs.

[David Bore]

That's what this mostly is. I feel like we forget that a lot.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[David Bore]

It's mostly.

[Mel Mitchell]

And what if the aliens came and started fucking the dinosaurs?

[David Bore]

Okay.

[Langston Kerman]

And we're going to take a break. You got what I me, I'm trying to. More Mel Mitchell. More My Mama Told Me.

[Mel Mitchell]

Ryan Reynolds here from Mint Mobile. I don't know if you knew this but anyone can get the same Premium Wireless for $15 a month plan that I've been enjoying. It's not just for celebrities. So do like I did and have one of your assistant's assistants switch you to Mint Mobile today. I'm told it's super easy to do. @mintmobile.com Switch upfront payment of $45 for 3 month plan equivalent to $15 per month Required intro rate first 3 months only, then full price plan options available. Taxes and fees, extra fee, full [e-mail].

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[Langston Kerman]

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[David Bore]

We're back.

[Mel Mitchell]

Do they shoot up the coffee shop?

[Langston Kerman]

Who knows? That's not. That's not our business.

[Mel Mitchell]

Okay.

[Langston Kerman]

We. We ain't say nothing.

[David Bore]

Have you guys been to Central Park?

[Mel Mitchell]

Central Park? That's the name of it. I don't watch Friends. I'm a very anti friends person.

[Langston Kerman]

I don't watch Friends before.

[David Bore]

No. Have you been there? They have. What? They have it on the. The Warner Brothers lot.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah, I don't. Oh, I, I walk past It.

[David Bore]

And you never. You never went in.

[Langston Kerman]

It means nothing to me.

[David Bore]

It's just funny that it's there.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah.

[Mel Mitchell]

And they won't take it down even though it's been like 30 years.

[David Bore]

Yeah, it's like a main part. You never. Yeah, it's in there.

[Mel Mitchell]

I went to the. They had the Friends activation, like that tour, and then we had one in Atlanta and they had all the things. My homegirl likes friends. I was like, girl, come. I got free tickets from work, but I didn't know any of that shit. Mean, they had the couch, sofa, stairwell situation. I'm just sitting here like, no, I

[David Bore]

don't like the show at all. But I've been into that coffee shop because it's funny to me.

[Langston Kerman]

I've been in like a Seinfeld replica. And I was like, this is fun. I like this.

[David Bore]

I was on the I Love Lucy set.

[Langston Kerman]

Okay.

[David Bore]

In Jamestown. Yeah, in Jamestown, they have like a whole museum. That's their hometown.

[Mel Mitchell]

Oh, that's.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah, it.

[David Bore]

It.

[Langston Kerman]

If it was something I liked, I'd be excited. But if it's not, like, I probably

[Mel Mitchell]

would be excited if they had like a. That's so Raven.

[Langston Kerman]

Oh, you, You. Alicia, you were a. That's so Raven girl.

[David Bore]

Oh, like, if you could go to the den.

[Mel Mitchell]

Yeah, if I. Nigga, if I can go to the den.

[Langston Kerman]

The den was fly, man.

[David Bore]

The den has gotta be on Pico. I remember when dad, the den has to be on.

[Langston Kerman]

The den was dope.

[David Bore]

The den was a cool.

[Mel Mitchell]

Den was dope. Or the Cherry Grill.

[Langston Kerman]

That the sister sister when they went to college.

[Mel Mitchell]

When Sister sister. That little basement when they went to college. It like, as a adult. I rewatched Sister Sister and Moesha. Sister sister wins. It was good the entire time. When Moish went to college, it wasn't

[David Bore]

as good because Kim also Moesha kind of mean.

[Mel Mitchell]

She. She sucked.

[David Bore]

She sucked. She was an asshole. She's not cool.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah, she wasn't nice.

[David Bore]

She was always like. It was always like her playing out her friends or being shitty.

[Mel Mitchell]

Calling Kim fat as fuck on the phone.

[David Bore]

Her dad gave her a Saturn. She said, no, I'mma do my own thing, bitch. Take the Saturn.

[Langston Kerman]

I want a war Jeep, money.

[Mel Mitchell]

A war torn Jeep is what I want. Don't break down on graduation day talking

[David Bore]

about he got this house off a. He owned a Saturn dealership.

[Langston Kerman]

I think there's an argument that Moesha is the villain of that.

[David Bore]

Yeah, I think that's fair for sure. That's fair for sure. Now, the Parkers, they were having A good time.

[Langston Kerman]

But making music.

[David Bore]

Come on. They're both going to college now. It's double trouble.

[Mel Mitchell]

It's fun. They're pledging fake sororities. It's fun.

[David Bore]

They got a white girl named Six. No. What was her name?

[Langston Kerman]

Six. And Blossom.

[David Bore]

Stevie.

[Mel Mitchell]

I do. I will always have smoke. For the writers for making Nikki leave Mel Jack Jackson at the altar at the end for Professor Ogilvy.

[David Bore]

Professor Ogilvy was whack, too.

[Mel Mitchell]

Now you've been playing with me for four seasons. And I. And I leave Mel Jackson again, trying to beat the colorist allegations. But he up here. For me. It's like Alan Payne, Will Smith, Mel Jackson specifically. So far.

[David Bore]

Man walking to a bar. Right?

[Mel Mitchell]

Those are my kings. Like, those are my Mount Rushmore of colorism.

[David Bore]

Alan Payne. You don't hear that one a lot.

[Mel Mitchell]

What?

[Langston Kerman]

Alan Payne. Still. He's still hitting.

[Mel Mitchell]

Yeah. He still got the little curl. I don't know if it's a piece or not. Don't really care.

[Langston Kerman]

He's not our business. That's not our business.

[David Bore]

I'm Payton Buff as hell. Yeah.

[Mel Mitchell]

He got the New Jersey play. He's doing the play.

[David Bore]

What's your favorite?

[Langston Kerman]

That he's got a bigger role this time.

[Mel Mitchell]

Jason Lyric.

[David Bore]

Jason Lyric. Jason Lyric. Yeah. He's cute as Daddy. Okay.

[Mel Mitchell]

Yeah. Real daddy.

[David Bore]

How do you feel about. Like a C before Alan Payne.

[Mel Mitchell]

Funny. I'm black, y'.

[David Bore]

All.

[Mel Mitchell]

I'm black.

[David Bore]

He was good at what about Cosby's show. He was good on Lane.

[Langston Kerman]

He was good at playing Cosby.

[Mel Mitchell]

That's how it started.

[David Bore]

Yeah.

[Mel Mitchell]

Actually, I take back Jack because I watched Cotton show every night on Nick and Nite. And I love the episodes with Erica Alexander.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah.

[Mel Mitchell]

I with cousin Cliff. And then Charmaine with Nance.

[David Bore]

She really breathed new life into what was a dying sitcom. Like, really deep breath.

[Mel Mitchell]

Okay. We need some cute kids. Okay. Bring Raven in. Cause we didn't got too old. She got a period. It's not funny no more. Bring a baby in. Oh, the kid's not bad. No more. Bring in another dark skinned queen.

[David Bore]

Yep. It was like the Cosby show got good when he acknowledged hip hop in the end intro.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah.

[David Bore]

And they're like. And then there's like a beat behind it.

[Langston Kerman]

It's like, fine. You exist.

[Mel Mitchell]

You a words

[Langston Kerman]

monkeys.

[Mel Mitchell]

Like sagging pants on the ground. That's why nobody respects you.

[Langston Kerman]

There you go. Chim chim.

[Mel Mitchell]

That's what's so crazy. You talking about pants on the ground. You are rapist Bill.

[Langston Kerman]

But he wasn't Concentrating on that. That wasn't what he was focused on.

[Mel Mitchell]

Charmaine.

[David Bore]

Yeah, she was so funny.

[Mel Mitchell]

I saw a lot of myself, her,

[David Bore]

and I was a great.

[Mel Mitchell]

You're so good on this. We're gonna put you on the spinoff and you're gonna keep talking. Yeah, but how she felt about Lance. And I was like, I see myself in this.

[Langston Kerman]

Yes. Yeah, she was fun, talkative brown girl,

[Mel Mitchell]

dumb, light skinned nigga. I'm in.

[Langston Kerman]

You like that vibe?

[David Bore]

That's a classic comedy combination.

[Mel Mitchell]

We're here.

[Langston Kerman]

That's beautiful.

[David Bore]

That's kind of what we got.

[Langston Kerman]

Look how. I agree.

[Mel Mitchell]

Yeah, that's cool, man. Give me two of them. Yes.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah, I'm stupid.

[David Bore]

You have the dumb one. We don't have a dumb one.

[Mel Mitchell]

It's okay.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah. Okay. Listen to the voicemail. We get voicemails. They're fun.

[Mel Mitchell]

Okay.

[Langston Kerman]

Hello.

[David Bore]

I don't know, the first time that I got nervous and I didn't really know what to say, so I'm. I'm back again. I have a theory, you know, and first of all, I love you guys show. Been listening for like total of seven days, and I probably watch about seven.

[Langston Kerman]

You don't have to take this much time.

[David Bore]

But I have this theory, like, about urinals. Like, why can't they just. Just like make them like, flushing? Why they have to have cameras in front of our dicks? Like, it's what I mean. I think they're keeping track of us. Like, you know, like, because how does Google know the average size of a penis? Like, all right, they don't know what I look like. I could be a grower, not a shower. Like, you just can assume everybody has the same size. Like, I don't know. That was average.

[Mel Mitchell]

What is average, man?

[David Bore]

You know what I'm saying? This is something that I've kind of, kind of been like, you know, dabbled in. I haven't spent too much time in my life thinking about it. But urinals, like, what's up with the cameras in front of our desk, man?

[Langston Kerman]

What?

[David Bore]

And like, other thing, like, I can like apply to be like a regular, like hauler, because I have plenty of these. And, you know, there's the interview process. It's like start like this. Can this be like my first interview right here? I don't know. But anyways, hi. Amazing show. Love you guys.

[Mel Mitchell]

All right, bye.

[Langston Kerman]

This nigga got schizophrenia.

[David Bore]

There was a lot going on.

[Mel Mitchell]

What a ride.

[David Bore]

There was a lot going on.

[Langston Kerman]

He was like, why they gotta put the cameras there, brother? There are no cameras.

[David Bore]

If there's cameras, you need to call hr.

[Langston Kerman]

That's not copyright. That's not common, bro.

[David Bore]

No, most urinals have no camera.

[Mel Mitchell]

So is he saying that there is a dick scanner in the urinals? Like, I'm thinking incredibles.

[Langston Kerman]

Great example.

[David Bore]

Six inches, right? Right.

[Mel Mitchell]

It seems to me this young man was leaving a young lady's home, and she said, oh, you're average. And he said, who said? And he's trying to figure out, how did y' all get these numbers? Why am I at it? My mom is. Says, my dick is big.

[David Bore]

Well, that's a complicated thing to unpack.

[Langston Kerman]

That's why he called us. That's why he called me.

[Mel Mitchell]

And he didn't know I was gonna be here today. He did not know to bust his butt.

[David Bore]

He wasn't ready for that today.

[Langston Kerman]

But he trusted us to curate, and we've landed something meaningful. Yeah, I don't disagree with you. The mother part confuses me a little bit.

[Mel Mitchell]

But I'm just saying, you know, men are like, well, I have a big dick because I'm mommy shirt.

[Langston Kerman]

I'm special.

[Mel Mitchell]

That's what I'm saying. I'm not saying your mother literally was like, you got a big dick, son. But, you know, these boy moms get there. So maybe.

[Langston Kerman]

And that's the part I didn't denied. I was just, yeah, my mom hasn't seen mine for a while now.

[David Bore]

Hell yeah. Not gonna either.

[Mel Mitchell]

How does that work?

[David Bore]

What do you mean?

[Mel Mitchell]

It's just like, last team of See my. Wait, I should be saying it. That's why my mouth just betrayed me.

[David Bore]

The Lord just did that.

[Mel Mitchell]

Last team, like, See, I can't say it.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah, last time I'm gonna see my son's dick is what you're thinking.

[Mel Mitchell]

Last time I seen my brothers. Last time I saw the son. It's a sinner's joke. Remember he said that, then movie it. It didn't land because I wouldn't. I wasn't supposed to lean into that joke like, that was the best day of my life. I shouldn't say it's incestuous. And I shouldn't make jokes about that because the boy moms are weird. And that's what I was trying to get to. I think you're right, because they do, you know, they be doing weird shit on Tik Tok, and I get scared of the boy moms.

[David Bore]

I don't even know about that. I don't even know about this.

[Mel Mitchell]

They were, like, using AI to age up their sons to see how they would look when they were older type shit.

[Langston Kerman]

There's a brand of moms who take a weird amount of pride in their children being boys.

[David Bore]

Oh.

[Langston Kerman]

And they are, like. There is almost, like, intimacy. Oh.

[David Bore]

Like an Oedipus.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah. Between the two of them. But it's real. The mom is in charge of the Oedipool.

[Mel Mitchell]

Yeah.

[David Bore]

I don't arrange that. I've seen that in life.

[Langston Kerman]

And it's a bummer to see them point a camera at it and go, like, look at me.

[Mel Mitchell]

This is content.

[David Bore]

Oh. Oh, yeah. I've known people like. Like that, though, where somebody's mom was like, I don't want to say Ed. Ed piss in that way, but, like. And that's why you're on the podcast.

[Langston Kerman]

Congratulations. You earned your spot.

[David Bore]

I like that.

[Mel Mitchell]

I'll be here all week, you know, just saying let me know. And we always land back at coochie.

[Langston Kerman]

That's right.

[David Bore]

And that's. And this is a Coochie Forward podcast.

[Langston Kerman]

This is a Coochie Forward podcast.

[David Bore]

I've been doing Obama hands a lot lately.

[Langston Kerman]

I like it.

[David Bore]

It's really funny.

[Mel Mitchell]

What is your problem?

[David Bore]

I just really like to do it. I like to do it to the dunk. I'm gonna need you to poop.

[Mel Mitchell]

I love hearing the labs from, like, around us.

[Langston Kerman]

Sometimes we hit, you know, the jokes hit.

[Mel Mitchell]

Hopefully I've had a joke or two.

[David Bore]

No, this one. You went crazy.

[Langston Kerman]

You went crazy. I am worried about our caller. I don't wanna forget them before we go.

[David Bore]

Oh, yeah.

[Mel Mitchell]

Oh, yeah, let's. Yeah, let's.

[Langston Kerman]

I'm a little troubled by the message that we received.

[Mel Mitchell]

They're not using send technology in the urinals to measure your dick.

[Langston Kerman]

As far as I know they're not. If there's cameras in there, they're not using it for dick measuring as much as documentation. Celebration.

[David Bore]

Also, average doesn't matter because you got your dick. You ain't gonna have no other dick. That's what you got, brother.

[Langston Kerman]

You can't fix it.

[David Bore]

It is what it is, man. And even the whatever is average or not or whatever.

[Mel Mitchell]

Learn how to eat some coochie, yo.

[David Bore]

Yeah, come on.

[Mel Mitchell]

You gotta start eating butt too.

[David Bore]

Go to bed hungry. You know what I mean?

[Langston Kerman]

You skip dinner.

[David Bore]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Langston Kerman]

You got a bet coming in here.

[Mel Mitchell]

Earn your keep.

[David Bore]

Come on.

[Mel Mitchell]

Because sometimes if the head is good, the girls, not me, the girls be like, okay, hold on.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah, yeah.

[Mel Mitchell]

Six, seven. You know, that's not good enough for you to 69.

[Langston Kerman]

Hey, let's go.

[Mel Mitchell]

I don't really, like, not saying, like, I'm not like, a head first. This isn't about me.

[David Bore]

No.

[Langston Kerman]

Okay. You made it.

[Mel Mitchell]

If I would have landed on there, I'd be like, oh, but that's like, let me take myself out of time.

[Langston Kerman]

Take. Take your time to walk wherever you need to go.

[Mel Mitchell]

Anyway. Coochie.

[Langston Kerman]

I think we did it.

[David Bore]

I think we did it.

[Langston Kerman]

I think coochie was cooched. Coochie was cooched. I think we learned all the answers we needed to learn about coochie. And we celebrated. We challenged ourselves. We admitted some beautiful things about our history.

[Mel Mitchell]

The coochie's grew.

[Langston Kerman]

Coochie's grew today.

[Mel Mitchell]

Yeah. And coochies were planted.

[Langston Kerman]

Planted for the. We're gonna have a whole coochie tree by the next time you come back here.

[Mel Mitchell]

The garden is.

[David Bore]

I'm making some coochie juice.

[Langston Kerman]

David, squeeze me a coochie juice.

[Mel Mitchell]

Would you squeeze me one?

[Langston Kerman]

You're going to the kitchen. Will you squeeze me a coochie juice?

[Mel Mitchell]

It's a coochie farm. I love that.

[David Bore]

Yeah. Cooch berry farm.

[Mel Mitchell]

Is that still open? I was as a child.

[David Bore]

Oh, not berry farm.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah.

[David Bore]

I got so excited for a second.

[Langston Kerman]

Couchberry farm is real. I thought that was only in my dreams.

[Mel Mitchell]

I was talking about Knott's berry farm. Oh, my God. That's funny.

[David Bore]

Yeah, Knott's Berry farm is a little bit.

[Langston Kerman]

Mel, could you tell the people where they can find you what cool shit you got going on?

[Mel Mitchell]

Hey, guys. Oh, yes. Okay. You guys can follow me on Instagram, tsmelmitch, TikTok at thebaddestmitch. I am on Tubi. Oop, that got caught of tangled to be Hulu bet Peacock. Couple of things. I have a creditor too. A creditor too. I'm working on Kev on stage. The airport. I previously was on the hospital. I was on safe Space. I went crazy on safe Space. It's on Tubi right now. I'm just excited. I'll be on the Netflix as a joke festival at the crack em up show on that Thursday night. I'm super, super excited to be about that. If any other shows, hit me up if y' all need some. You know, I tell jokes for a living, so yeah, I'm just really excited about this comedy shit, man. I'm hungry. You know, Nick's not hungry.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah.

[Mel Mitchell]

But yes, follow me on the things and I'll be in a city near you soon. I'll be in Richmond, Virginia. And I'll be in Columbus, Ohio, in July link in my bio in.

[David Bore]

Oh, it's Funny Bones.

[Mel Mitchell]

Funny Bones. I gotta get in that funny bone.

[David Bore]

I know it.

[Langston Kerman]

Hell, yeah. What you got?

[David Bore]

Cool guy jokes 87. You can find me in the alley. Fighting. Three dots, three dots, three dots.

[Langston Kerman]

Square up, square up. How you do it? I do not know what Blammul.

[David Bore]

Ah, nah, man, I'm chilling. Cool Guy. Everything's on Cool Guy Jokes 87 or doc.com. no, no, no.

[Langston Kerman]

I don't know dot biz, though, for sure. You can follow me at Langston Kerman on all social media platforms. You can see me at in Denver. First week of May, I'll be in Denver at the Denver Comedy Underground. I'm excited about that. And you can send us your own drops, your own conspiracies. You can tell us what them three dots represent, [e-mail]. you can give us a call at 844-LIL-Moms. We would love to hear from you. We would love, love, love for you to subscribe to our Patreon. We cooking over there.

[David Bore]

We're going very crazy over there.

[Mel Mitchell]

What y' all doing over there?

[David Bore]

Yeah, smut watch.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah.

[Mel Mitchell]

What kind of smut?

[David Bore]

We take, like, dirt. We take dirty videos we found on Instagram. And he hasn't seen mine. I haven't seen his. And then we watch them again.

[Langston Kerman]

We swap them.

[Mel Mitchell]

How dirty? Cause Instagram get. I don't.

[David Bore]

Well, we get there.

[Langston Kerman]

And dirt. We should be clear. Dirt isn't always sexual.

[Mel Mitchell]

Okay, It.

[Langston Kerman]

It's sometimes, but sometimes it is. It's perverse of the. It is freaks. It is oddities. It is. It is sort of the underbelly of.

[Mel Mitchell]

That's what I thought. You talking about, like, novels. I'm like, oh, we. I get.

[David Bore]

Oh, no, we open reading Qu's. Passages.

[Mel Mitchell]

Passages. I love how you. Yeah, passages. It's literature at the end of the day.

[Langston Kerman]

We own a full library of at this point.

[David Bore]

Yeah.

[Mel Mitchell]

In here?

[David Bore]

No, in our Patreon. Patreon.

[Mel Mitchell]

Okay. I'm like, I want to touch a book. It's like the Holy Grail when you read it.

[David Bore]

It's great.

[Langston Kerman]

It's quality material. He's not bullshitting.

[David Bore]

I believe it's papyrus.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah. That motherfucker thick.

[Mel Mitchell]

Wow. Never change, you guys.

[Langston Kerman]

And most importantly. Yeah, follow the Patreon. Most importantly, I don't know. Bye, bitch.

[Mel Mitchell]

Why you coming home five in the morning? Something's going on. Let me smell your dick.

[Langston Kerman]

My Mama Told Me is a production of Will Ferrell's Big Money Players Network.

[David Bore]

And IHEART Podcast created and hosted by

[Langston Kerman]

Langston Kearney co hosted by David Bore

[David Bore]

Executive produced by Will Ferrell Hansani and Joel Monique Edited and engineered by Justin

[Langston Kerman]

Kahneman Music by Nick Chambers Art artwork by Dogon Krieger. You can now watch episodes of My Mama told me on YouTube, follow at my Mama Told Me and subscribe to our channel.

[Amy Eric]

Hello beautiful. I'm Amy Eric, founder of Madison Reed, a hair color company I named after my daughter. Forget everything you know about hair color. The mass, the smell, the hassle, the damage. We're female founded and female led. We've transformed the hair color experience with ingredients that care for your hair and award winning color on your terms at home or at our hair color bars. The future of hair color is here at Madison Reef.

[Langston Kerman]

This is Jacob Goldstein from what's yous Problem? Business software is expensive and when you buy software from lots of different companies, it's not only expensive, it gets confusing. Slow to use, hard to integrate. Odoo solves that because all Odoo software is connected on a single affordable platform. Save money without missing out on the features you need. Odoo has no hidden costs and no limit on features or data. Odoo has over 60 apps available for any needs your business might have, all at no additional charge. Everything from websites to sales to inventory to accounting. All linked and talking to each other. Check out Odoo at o d o o dot com. That's O-O-O.com hey everyone, it's Kel Penn.

[Mel Mitchell]

I'm inviting you to join the best

[Langston Kerman]

sounding book club you've ever heard with my podcast Hearsay, The Audible and iHeart Audiobook Club.

[Mel Mitchell]

Every episode I nerd out with amazing

[Langston Kerman]

guests and dive into the best new audiobooks available on Audible. It's the book club for your ears. Listen to Earsay, the Audible and iHeart Audiobook Club on the iHeartradio app or wherever you get your podcasts.

[David Bore]

Honestly, honestly, honestly, no one wants to

[Mel Mitchell]

think about hiv, but there are things

[David Bore]

that everyone can do to help prevent it.

[Mel Mitchell]

Things like prep.

[David Bore]

PREP stands for Pre Exposure Prophylaxis and it means routinely taking prescription medicine before

[Mel Mitchell]

you're exposed to HIV to help reduce

[David Bore]

your chances of getting it. PREP can be about 99% effective when taken as prescribed.

[Mel Mitchell]

It doesn't protect against other STIs, though,

[David Bore]

so be sure to use condoms and

[Mel Mitchell]

other healthy sex practices.

[David Bore]

Ask a healthcare provider about all your prevention Options and visit findoutaboutprep.com to learn more.

[Mel Mitchell]

Sponsored by Gilead this is an I Heart podcast guaranteed human.