White Man Can't Cook (with Langston Kerman and David Gborie)

Summary

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My Momma Told Me – "White Man Can't Cook"

Hosts: Langston Kerman & David Gborie
Date: November 13, 2025
Podcast Theme: Black conspiracy theories, pop culture, humor

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Episode Overview

The episode "White Man Can't Cook" explores the Black conspiracy theory that white American food—and perhaps white people's cooking skills—have atrophied over time. Drawing on viral cooking videos, regional food differences, and cultural shifts, comedians Langston and David riff, theorize, and joke about why so many white American dishes are punchlines, and what that says about race, history, and food in America. They also consider whether this stereotype is fair, where it comes from, and what it would take for everyone to claim pride in their food.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Kicking It Off: Conspiracies & Possessions

Timestamps: 02:33–09:13

• The hosts banter about doomsday prepping, the Dionne Warwick song conspiracy, and whether ghosts and possessions are devilish or just “rogue souls.”
• They joke about possession:
  • Langston: “Should I be possessed? I'm not fighting it. I am embracing it.” [08:27]
  • David: "I always thought the devil goes into you and then you’re like sleeping or something...As a kid, that was the thing I was most afraid of." [08:47]

2. The Main Theory: White People’s Cooking Has "Atrophied"

Timestamps: 12:46–13:35, 18:48–24:03

• Langston introduces his "homegrown conspiracy":
  • "White people cooking has outro feed," meaning American white folks’ cooking skills have faded. [13:05]
  • Both hosts are fascinated by viral videos where white home cooks post unusual, often unappetizing meals (ground beef with pudding, microwaved chicken).
• David on the spectacle:
  • “Somehow they make it into a jello mold. And you’re like, this is fucked up.” [14:00]
• They observe that cooking is central to cultural identity, yet American whiteness seems to lack strong food traditions.

3. Regional & International Variations

Timestamps: 15:00–16:08, 21:25–24:30

• Not all “white food” is the same—the hosts note regional and global differences:
  • "I think it’s an American thing," David says, suggesting white Americans have lost cooking skills, while white people abroad (some of them, anyway) can cook. [15:00]
  • British and Scandinavian food (beans on bread, etc.) are roundly roasted.
  • Regional rankings are proposed: South is best, followed by Northeast, West Coast, and finally the Midwest (“Midwest is the worst at cooking.” – David, 22:07)
  • Langston defends Midwestern portion sizes: “We serve you the portions you deserve.” [31:09]

4. Why Did White Cooking Fade?

Timestamps: 19:11–21:25, 25:00–26:33, 38:18–41:53

• Langston speculates on historical roots:
  • After desegregation, white Americans were required to cook for black people in public spaces and possibly “stopped putting their best foot forward.” [20:10]
  • “I’m not serving this Black motherfucker my favorite dish. Come on. Fuck you. I’m a boil chicken and you’ll eat it that way or I won’t serve it at all." – Langston [20:22]
• David doubts it was ever intentional: “I think the market got flooded with superior product.” [42:10]

5. Stereotypes & Reality: Is It Lazy, or Just Bad?

Timestamps: 44:55–46:55

• The idea that “white people just got lazy” is challenged.
  • David: “I think that maybe that idea is kind of based more on white supremacy than I want it to be…the lazy thing…is like, yep, we got on top and now we’re lazy...as opposed to maybe they're just people who are fucking up.” [44:55]
• Langston notes that stereotypes run both ways, and that plenty of Black people he knows can't cook.

6. The Place of High-End (Michelin) Food

Timestamps: 28:16–30:42, 49:20–50:22

• Michelin stars, fine dining, and taste–is it just white foodie snobbery?
  • David appreciates high-end food but says, “Sometimes with food, like in fancy restaurants, I feel like it’s complicated more than it’s good.” [29:44]
  • Langston says if the meal isn’t filling, it’s not good: “You giving me blue balls of the Tum Tum." [30:45]
• They joke about who decides what’s great food:
  • “Who’s Michelin? A big old fluffy white man is giving out those awards.” – Langston [49:29]

7. Viral Cooking Fails, “Daring” (But Bad) Experimentation & Family Heritage

Timestamps: 27:20–28:16, 46:51–48:23

• Trying to reconstruct why some white families' food is so deeply unappealing, and how food traditions (good or bad) are inherited.
  • "It's just daring. It's just not in a good way. Have you ever had...sweet rice salad thing that they do? It's dumb.” – David [27:41]
  • Langston recounts his dad’s “tomato chicken” (canned tomatoes and plain chicken breast), beloved as a child, now regarded as “the act of a man just trying to keep it together for a boy.” [47:51]

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On homemade viral white cooking:
  "There are those videos…of Black people watching white people cook weird meals…a lot of, like, ground beef, then with cheese, then with, like, pudding, and it’s like, what the fuck?"
  — Langston, [13:35]

• On cultural priorities:
  "Some of us just make you laugh and eat you out…and that's—thank God for us. I would say more valuable than those who punch you in the head."
  — Langston, [12:22]

• On regional U.S. food:
  "Midwest is the worst at cooking."
  — David, [22:07]

  "We serve you the portions you deserve."
  — Langston, [31:09]

• On ‘fine dining’ vs. comfort food:
  "Sometimes with food, like in fancy restaurants, I feel like it’s complicated more than it’s good…didn’t come together as good as, like, that quesadilla I had across town."
  — David, [29:44]

  "You giving me blue balls of the Tum Tum."
  — Langston, [30:45]

• On food identity and honesty:
  "White people would benefit from being more honest about their relationship with their own food. And then subsequently, maybe…they can learn to actually embrace the cultures around them by first acknowledging, like, hey, we've been putting up shit numbers."
  — Langston, [50:31]

• On the social realities of buffets:
  "There's not one place I would rather be drunk less than a buffet, bro. Like, so sad."
  — David, [40:15]

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Most Important Segments (Timestamps)

• 02:33–09:13: Opener; ghost/devil/possession banter.
• 12:46–15:00: Introduction of "white people cooking has atrophied" and reactions to viral white cooking.
• 19:11–21:25: Theory about desegregation's impact on white American cooking.
• 22:07–24:30: Regional food rankings and discussion.
• 28:16–30:42: Michelin stars, fancy food, and the importance of being full.
• 38:18–41:53: Bulk cooking vs. good cooking; buffet culture.
• 44:55–46:55: Debating laziness, stereotypes, and social factors.
• 49:20–50:22: Calling out the 'Michelin man' as culinary gatekeeper.
• 47:51–48:55: Langston’s nostalgic tale of “tomato chicken.”

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Tone & Style

The episode is irreverent, fast-moving, and full of jokes. Both hosts use personal anecdotes and hyperbole to question and complicate the idea that “white people can’t cook,” all while keeping things playful and self-aware. There’s an undercurrent of real sociological curiosity beneath the mockery, with a fondness for cultural quirks, culinary “fails,” and the joy (or trauma) of eating whatever your parents thought was dinner.

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Takeaways

• The trope that white Americans can’t cook has roots in history, regional differences, and changing foodways (and, perhaps, in the viral spectacle of tasteless recipes).
• Stereotypes—like all generalizations—aren’t absolute. There are great cooks (and bad ones) of all backgrounds, but food is deeply tied to culture, memory, and community.
• The path to better food might involve more honesty—and a willingness to let go of tomato chicken and unearned Michelin stars.

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Find more or send your own food conspiracies:
my Mama Pot (podcast email)

Follow the hosts:

• Langston Kerman: @langstonkerman
• David Gborie: @coolguyjokes87

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Transcript

[A]

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[B]

I hate to say it, but I don't trust much of anything.

[C]

It's the rage bait.

[A]

It feels like it's trying to divide people.

[B]

If we got clear facts, maybe we could calm down a little. NBC News brings you clear reporting. Let's meet at the Facts. Let's move forward from there. NBC News reporting for America.

[C]

What worries me about the end is that I'll do something and commit to living like it's the end and then it's not. And I just like killed my neighbor.

[B]

Y2K, you know what he's saying? And then I'm like, now you got a fuck. You got a dead body and a bunch of corn in your basement. And you're like, all right, God damn it. I guess I'll go back to telling jokes about my girlfriend.

[C]

Yeah, there's a dead body on the floor. I'm like, so can I still play Acme?

[B]

Oh, boy. Gonna have to cancel at the house of comedy.

[C]

Oh, man. Boo. Well, I love the government Growing babies Microchips in your anus? All koala bears are racist? The ozone layer owes me money? Washington Ben and dirty stuff. Y' all can't tell me nothing. Cause you gotta have diamonds and pearls Whether you're a boy or a girl. Welcome to another phenomenal episode. Little mamas and gentiles Alike of my Mama Told Me.

[B]

The podcast where we dive deep, deep into the pockets of black conspiracy theories.

[C]

And we finally work to prove that the prayer Dionne Warwick said the little prayer for you was, in fact, about her niece, Whitney Houston. She saw it coming the whole time.

[B]

I'm David Porter. Damn. The fortune teller Dionne Warwick.

[A]

Come on.

[B]

Amongst many other things, a talented suits. She wears a lot of hats, some of them real silly. But she was a fortune teller of sorts. And you're saying that she could see. See the future.

[C]

She knew it was going.

[B]

And see that Whitney would eventually become a woman struggling with cocaine addiction.

[C]

She knew it was gonna be tough on Nepi. Here's my question.

[B]

Well, I'm Langston Kerman, and I'm listening.

[C]

He is Langston Kerman. How do you feel about fortune telling?

[B]

I believe. And I think I've said this maybe on the podcast before, I believe that if you start fucking with that shit, you're opening up a world of problems that I don't want to ever explore.

[C]

Yeah. You keep knocking on the devil's door, somebody gonna answer. Yeah, that's fair.

[B]

Yeah. I'm not. I am not brave enough, I would say, to. To be one of those people who's like, ghost ain't real. The fortune telling, that ain't. That shit ain't true. Like, I. I don't know if it's real or if it's not real, but I know if I start fucking with it, then I'm gonna start seeing some shit that I don't wa. When I'm laying in bed at night.

[C]

Yeah, that's reasonable. Yeah.

[B]

Where are you?

[C]

Sometimes I think maybe I need more devil.

[B]

That you wanna welcome the devil into your home.

[C]

You know, I think you gotta try stuff.

[B]

Okay. You don't feel like you've tried? I feel like I.

[C]

Okay. And I don't mean this in a.

[B]

Shaming way, but more than most of my friends, I would say you're a person who's tried a little bit of everything.

[C]

I think that's a nice way to say it.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. I think you're a man who's dabbled in all of good fortune and bad fortune.

[C]

I've had my fingers in a lot of pots.

[B]

Yeah. And so you don't think that that was enough to get the devil?

[C]

I never. Maybe I just never have had a direct. What I felt like was a direct encounter.

[B]

Right. You had that. But you told us that ghost story.

[C]

Yeah. I don't think that was the devil, though. I think that ghosts are different than the devil.

[B]

Okay. You don't associate ghosts with the devil?

[C]

Not particularly. They kind of feel. I feel like they're like ghosts are like. Like they've gone rogue.

[B]

You know what I'm saying?

[C]

Like they're doing their own thing.

[B]

Like the devil can't even fuck with them.

[C]

No, no, no. They have a score to settle and it's on them.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

He doesn't even know where they're at. They're not checking in.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

He's like, they were supposed to be in hell three weeks ago.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Meanwhile, they're up here in some little kid's room.

[B]

What's. Was that Nicolas Cage movie where he.

[C]

I like how you do it with a soft C. What?

[B]

Nicolas Cage.

[C]

It sounds like you said Nicolas Cage.

[B]

Nicolas Cage. Who's that Nicolas Cage fella? Nicolas Cage doesn't. Didn't he. He was that Marvel man whose head is on fire. Oh.

[C]

Oh, yeah, yeah. What is his name?

[B]

Hell Rider.

[C]

He's a. He's a. He's a bicyclist.

[B]

Daddy bike Daddy.

[C]

Daddy, Daddy horns Biker.

[B]

Daddy Fire bike horn.

[C]

Biker.

[B]

Y. I don't remember his name.

[C]

Ghost Rider.

[B]

Ghost Rider.

[C]

Ghost Rider.

[B]

It's a shit film.

[C]

Obviously it was very bad.

[B]

Yeah. And Nicolas Cage was very bad in it.

[C]

But, yeah, he did not do a good job.

[B]

But by your suggestion, it sounds like ghosts, for you are closer to Ghost Rider than they are to servants of the devil.

[C]

Yeah. Also, my thing about the devil is people talk about the devil doing stuff to them. Nobody ever talks about it being bad to be an actual servant of the devil.

[B]

So here's.

[C]

You know what I'm saying? Like, as a job.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Nobody's people are like, oh, the devil did this to me. He got Me, but you never hear anybody like, I work for the devil. And it's kind of great.

[B]

He's a fun boss.

[C]

Kind of great. 401K. You know what I'm saying?

[B]

You can stick something in people's butts.

[C]

My kids got braces.

[B]

Here's my thing is that I've always felt. And this, I think, goes in line with both devil and that in the case of possession, I. I don't want to. I don't want to be possessed because it's 9/10 of the law. But should I be possessed? I'm not fighting it. I am embracing it.

[C]

That's what you would have to do.

[B]

I don't want to be fucking bending backwards and throwing up green. Do you know what I mean? Like, I want to fucking just be cool inside my own body with a little devil hanging out in there. And I think that part of the reason their eyes get all crazy and.

[C]

They'Re trying to fight it.

[B]

They're trying to fight it, and you just got to let the devil do what the devil does.

[C]

See, that's crazy. I always thought the devil goes into you and then you're like. It's like you're sleeping or something. Yeah. Like, I thought they were not conscious of that at all. Because as a kid, that was the thing I was the most afraid of, was the idea of being possessed. But.

[B]

But why are they acting all crazy.

[C]

If that's just because the demon wants to scare the other people?

[B]

Sure.

[C]

It's not to scare you. It's to show other people. Like, look what I could do.

[B]

Yeah. But I would say that there are other ways you could scare a motherfucker as a demon besides making me shit out my mouth. Do you know what I mean?

[C]

Yeah, you could just show up, you.

[B]

Just have a gun and be like, I'm a fucking shoot all of y'. All.

[C]

I mean, or you could just be a demon.

[B]

Yeah, you just.

[C]

That'd be scary in the house. Oh, shit. You know what I mean?

[B]

You could just do some shit, you know, I don't know how to do.

[C]

Yeah, you could just show yourself to me.

[B]

You just watch me moonwalk. And you're like, that nigga's possessed.

[C]

He ain't never did that before. He can't do it. He can't do that. Man, I forgot where we were going.

[B]

Well, I don't know that we're going anywhere. We never are going anywhere. We are here today in studio, in live. You're fucking here. You came all the way from Denver because we had A very special guest. And now we just get to hang out.

[C]

We got Terry Crews on.

[B]

Terry Crews finally came and it didn't go well.

[C]

No, no, no. I snuffed that nigga, bro. If I beat up Terry Crews, you'd never be able to talk to me again.

[B]

Me?

[C]

No, I. Like, I would Just my ego.

[B]

Oh, you're saying you wouldn't allow people to talk to you?

[C]

My ego would go crazy.

[B]

I'll be honest. I'd keep calling every day.

[C]

Yeah, no, yeah, we could still hang out.

[B]

No, it's not even that I. Obviously, I would want to hang out, but I just would want you to know how much I'm impressed by you.

[C]

Oh. Yeah.

[B]

I think if you beat up Terry Crews, it would become inappropriate relationship between us because I'd be. I'd be too big a fan.

[C]

You know what I mean? You would admire my work too much.

[B]

Yeah. It's like we can't be co hosts anymore because I'm too fucking impressed because I've elevated.

[C]

Because I put that dude down.

[B]

Yeah, you fucking. You fucking sniped him.

[C]

Yeah. Oh, I would have to. I would sneak him. That's the only way to. Because let's be honest, for real.

[B]

That's a big motherfucker.

[C]

He would beat the shit out of me.

[B]

That's a big motherfucker.

[C]

And that would be a tough L for me. Like, if Terry Crews hears this and he beats my ass soon, it's gonna be. I'm gonna have to go underground for a minute.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

I mean, I'll need the support of the lil mamas to lift me up.

[B]

That was always my problem with the way that Chris Rock handled. Getting slapped was like, of course you're gonna lose this fight to Will Smith. Yeah. There's never been a doubt from anyone who's watched, looked at the two of you standing next to each other, who's going to win this fight? Make it funny, man. Scream, fall down. Say, he's killing me. He's fucking killing me. Like, you have to play this big and make it silly. And instead, he tried to be a man.

[C]

And it's like, I thought fighting scared your mom.

[B]

Yeah, it's like, no, it's. You fucking. Yeah, you gotta fucking.

[C]

Yeah. No, you can't just.

[B]

I would have been running around that room being like, meryl Streep.

[C]

Meryl Streep. Did you see what he did to me?

[B]

Like, I would have fucking eroded the evening.

[C]

Because, listen, different dudes are playing different games. If you're trying to do the game of I Could beat everybody up. That's like you run out of that real quick. Some of us are just funny lovers. You know what I'm saying?

[B]

So it's like some of us just make you laugh and eat you out.

[C]

Yeah. And that's. Thank God for us. I would go.

[B]

I would say more valuable than those who punch you in the head. Come on.

[C]

In the wintertime, you want some guy who's going to punch you in the head. You want a guy who's going to eat that pusher.

[B]

And he's going to talk like that after he eats.

[C]

I'm going to say that.

[B]

We have a conspiracy today. This is, I would say, one of my own cooking. This is a homegrown conspiracy theory. I have been thinking about this quite a bit, and I ran it past you, and you seemed interested. You seemed.

[C]

I just like to hang out.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

I hope we can get some sandwiches after this.

[B]

I think we're gonna get some sandwiches. But before we do, we landed on. And you picked the verbiage. I think it's beautiful words that you chose. But you said, my mama told me white people cooking has outro feed.

[C]

And I think that I'm in wholeheartedly.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Cause they are fucking shit up.

[B]

Yeah. It's not.

[C]

Oh, my God. What are they on the. You guys are out here looking crazy.

[B]

Yeah. There. There are those videos that have become very popular of black people. And you showed. We talked about one person in particular. But there are Shout out Super Ray. Shout out to Super Ray. But I think there are a bunch of examples of it, of black people watching white people cook weird meals where it's like, a lot of, like, ground beef, then with cheese, then with, like, pudding, and it's like, what the fuck?

[C]

And somehow they make it into a jello mold. And you're like, this is fucked up.

[B]

This is a sin. And then you watch a skinny white woman eat it and you're like.

[C]

And, like, smiling. Or just like, she puts, like, chicken in the microwave. You know what I mean?

[B]

Yeah. To cook it. Not just to, like, reheat it or to, like, put a finishing brown on it. Like, to fully be like, no, this is cooked now.

[C]

And it's like, when did this happen? When did you stop? When did you stop being able to feed yourself?

[B]

Yeah. It's a really crazy. It's fucking nuts.

[C]

It's odd because that's, like, one thing. Every group has food. Everybody likes to cook.

[B]

It's truly the root of all culture. It's just being like, well, we are connected because we have these foods and we eat them this way. And white people are sort of like, nah, we don't. No, no, no, no. Collective.

[C]

Do you think it's like there's also a disconnect to like in America? Because I think white people abroad can cook.

[B]

Yeah. Okay.

[C]

I think this is an American thing.

[B]

I would say select abroad, but.

[C]

Yeah, yeah. I mean, nobody wants Scandinavian food.

[B]

No. Our fucking British food is.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

So bad beans on bread. Suck my dick. You know what I mean?

[C]

Yeah. I will say though, I had that English breakfast. It was kind of good. Ah, man, I'm sorry, man. You want me to lie to you?

[B]

I'm not in charge of the pad, but you gotta clear. Clear the air a little bit. That's fine.

[C]

Ugly. You are disgusting. I'm gonna kill you. Give me $200.

[B]

And that was the right button to press. I think you. You picked the right one.

[C]

I know it was.

[B]

Yeah. No, I don't. I don't eat that shit.

[C]

But have you ever tried it?

[B]

I have, yeah. I was like, no, I've. I like. I like regular breakfast.

[C]

Yeah. I mean, listen, I just. It was. It surprised me as well.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

But that being said, yeah, I do think foreign. I think they can cook. Whatever. I think there might be a disconnect from food and processing and all that. Like they've just been maybe eating microwave meals for so long is crazy.

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Yeah, we have three different types of hats which is really fun. We have a two tone hat, a alien dad hat, the traditional logo in black and khaki. Then we have the enamel pin with the alien who has a koofie on it says my mama told me. And then we have T shirts that say proud little mama, which is who you are.

[B]

Yeah, you can buy the merch. Now go to mymamatoldme.merchcentral.com where you can see all of our merch. You can buy ship and we want you to have all the sweet stuff. So get it. Let's talk a little bit about where this conspiracy came from. For me that like originally what got me thinking about it is that I have noticed that a fair amount of the things that we associate with quality black foods are not necessarily black. And that I think that there was probably a transition in the period where black people started to get more rights. Right. That the sit ins are over. We're allowed to eat at every restaurant. And then suddenly white people are noticing that they're having to cook pretty good meals for people that they fucking hate. And I think somewhere in that they were like, I'm not seasoning shit for these motherfuckers.

[C]

I don't.

[B]

Like, I'm not gonna keep putting my best foot forward.

[C]

My great grandmother didn't come to Poland.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

For me to make some mutton for these darkies. Yeah.

[B]

I'm not serving this black motherfucker my favorite dish. Come on. Fuck you. I'm a boiled chicken. And you'll eat it that way or I won't serve it at all. And I think that that has somehow sort of blossomed into now a cultural sort of, like, identity where white people are like, yeah, we don't. We don't try that hard with our food.

[C]

But I mean, here's the thing is that I think that the foods that they're meant. I think they think that stuff is good online at least, you know, you.

[B]

Yes, yes.

[C]

I think they think it's. Enjoy the cuisine, but I think that.

[B]

That'S more the product of a generation that doesn't know what. Like, they don't know they would. Was kings once type shit.

[C]

Whoa.

[B]

Do you know what I'm saying that, like, white people. We talked about this. Biscuits and gravy. While it is in my mind a food that I associate with black people, it's not really black people. It's Southern.

[C]

Right, Right.

[B]

You know what I mean? It's like Southern in the universal sense, in the royal Southern. And it became black people because we just have continued to fine tune quality cooking, whereas they were like, I don't know, motherfucker, we ain't trying no more.

[C]

Well, do you wonder also if it's. Ah, man, this is hard. Cause I also wonder how much of it is, like, regionally, like, you know what I mean?

[B]

Sure.

[C]

I trust everyone in. No offense. I trust everyone in the south to cook better than everyone in the Midwest.

[B]

I think that's fair.

[C]

You know what I'm saying?

[B]

Yeah, sure.

[C]

I think if we're talking regions that are bad at cooking, it goes. Midwest is the worst.

[B]

You think Midwest is the worst at cooking? Whoa.

[C]

I'm sorry, Chicago. Is this hurting you feeling.

[B]

It's not making me feel better. Yeah.

[C]

I mean, you guys also have Nebraska and Iowa. There's a lot of the mid. There's a lot in the Midwest.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, I'm listening. Listen. I'm not refuting as much as I am reeling from the aches and pains you're throwing my way.

[C]

I'm sorry. Sure. I think, I think. And this is also from touring as a stand up comedian.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[C]

Food wise, I think Midwest is the worst. I think the west coast is next.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

I think then you got the Northeast, then you got the South. So south is best, Northeast is second, west coast is third. Midwest is the worst.

[B]

Where do you. Because Northeast is a surprise for me, given. Given what we're tracing in terms of, like, culture. Why would Northeast fall so high or low, depending on how you want to scale it on the list?

[C]

The amount. Just the amount. The diversity. Like, yeah, the Midwest is. There's not a huge diversity of food. Like. Like there is like New York City or even Philly or. You know what I mean? Like, all these places, there's like a lot of different.

[B]

It's more homogenous groups of people sort of like living in small pockets.

[C]

Right, right, right, right, right, right, right. So, yeah, I think it's just diversity wise. That's why it goes high up. And I think the west coast is just like, listen, they invented health food and it's very good.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

You know what I mean?

[B]

Yeah. The West Coast, I factor in less because I think they pride themselves more. We pride ourselves. I don't know what the fuck I'm.

[C]

Yeah. What'd you.

[B]

I don't identify with this shit. I just live here. But that's true.

[C]

I get that.

[B]

I. I think California and certainly, like, the coast in general seems to pride itself more on, like, we know what is right for us.

[C]

Yeah. More than.

[B]

We're very pretentious about it, are 100% certain that this is the best tasting thing. It's more like, yeah, but if you eat that, you'll. You'll live another five years. If you eat it the other way, it's your choice.

[C]

And I mean, don't get me wrong, there's huge inclusions. California got the avocado popping. That was crazy.

[B]

That was crazy.

[C]

That was big. Big on you. That was a good one.

[B]

It wasn't. Avocado wasn't doing that kind of work when I was a kid.

[C]

Nobody even knew about it. I was a little freak for loving guacamole. A freak. I tell you. You think they had guacamole? Did they have guacamole in Chicago in 94.

[B]

We had it, but it wasn't. It wasn't popping like that.

[C]

No, no, no, no, no.

[B]

Avocado had a Renaissance avocado really found itself. Brussels sprouts. Really found themselves.

[C]

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

[B]

Broccoli's in sort of a nice.

[C]

Broccoli's doing good stuff.

[B]

Revolution.

[C]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

No, I do think to some extent, this does feel regional, but I do also think that there is sort of a universal. White people can't cook that does get applied, whether true or not. Whether true or not gets applied sort of across all regions. And I wonder how much of that is rooted in them voluntarily choosing to stop applying themselves at cooking as a result of us getting equal rights.

[C]

You think, like, once everybody. I mean, it does feel like when there's so many options.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Why would you make your British food when it's, like, equal rights? Now black people got restaurants, and we're giving them to the Chinese.

[B]

And that's actually an interesting interpretation of it too, because in some ways, they are no longer cooking their cultural food. Like, if so many of the people of this country, as they claim are descendants of the original people of this country or the fake original people of this country.

[C]

I don't know what you're saying. I'm lost.

[B]

I'm saying that if a bunch of people are, like, descendants of the people who came here as, like, you know, the colonists that they were.

[C]

Right?

[B]

Then you should be putting beans on bread and you should be fucking eating little thick sausages.

[C]

But you like Little Caesars.

[B]

You like.

[C]

You want a hot and ready little dirty bitch. You want some Taco Bell?

[B]

Yeah. You like everybody else's shit, but y' all shit.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And maybe that's what happened. It was like. Because it's like, I know a lot of white women who claim to make great enchiladas.

[B]

Mm.

[C]

That's a big one. They love.

[B]

Mm. And you don't believe them?

[C]

No, I don't even like enchiladas.

[B]

Yeah. I'm not as big of a fan as I always think I could be.

[C]

No, it's just wet and bad, like.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

And I love wet food. Don't get me wrong.

[B]

I'm a big fan of wet food.

[C]

Come on.

[B]

Hey. I like a lot of things wet.

[C]

Come on, baby. I have a girlfriend. She's great.

[B]

I got a wife. She's fine. Oh, she's lovely. I can. Yay. She's okay.

[C]

I just. I also think that because here's the other thing about white people's cooking. They do dare. It is daring. It's just not in a good way. Like, have you ever had. That girl was telling me about this, like, sweet rice salad thing that they do.

[B]

Sweet Rice salad.

[C]

It's like sweet rice and then, like, almonds and. It's dumb.

[B]

Yeah, no, I've never had that. Yeah, I'm gonna take a firm no on that one.

[C]

But it's like big swings. It's just not done. And I think sometimes there's, like, a lack of attention to detail. Like, a lot of times when I'll watch, like, these, like, white lady tiktoks or something, it's like there's like, a lack of the base knowledge of cooking. Oh, and that's why this shit's bad. Where it's just like, heat the pan up. Well, you know what I mean? Like, whatever.

[B]

Well, let me ask you this, because this is actually a pretty curious question for me. Where do you fall when it comes to sort of, like, the Michelin star? The. The restaurants that are treated with, like, sort of like, revered. These places that are. You're being told, are the best food in the world, and it's obviously a white person, number one, rating them. But number two, oftentimes, making these dishes, do you hold them in high regard or are you like. No, I don't give a fuck about none of that.

[C]

I'm open to it. Because I think that some of them are very good.

[B]

Right.

[C]

Like, I had some food in a yurt the other day.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

We went to a yurt, and it was fire. And it was like. It's like this restaurant that they said supposedly was, like, up for a Michelin star, but it's not quite in Denver, so they didn't. It's like, sort of in Aurora.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

We went to this yurt. It was really good food. Right. But I also was in the Bahamas. Don't need the breath. And I need to. I need to quit cutting and look in the camera. That's a weird.

[B]

No, that's okay.

[C]

Are you doing it, too?

[B]

Yeah, I think so, but maybe not as much as you, but yeah, I get excited. You know what I mean?

[C]

It's, like, different. I'm like, not at home. I have shoes on. This is a whole different.

[B]

It's okay to serve it to camera. We're here, they're here. Let's. Yeah, come on.

[C]

But then, like a week later, I was in the Bahamas and I had food from a smoke shack on the side of a beach, and it was equally as good to me.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

So it's like, I give space for the higher brow, the Michelin star stuff, but I don't. That's not solely where I'm going to find, because sometimes it's like, sometimes with food, like in fancy restaurants, I feel like it's complicated more than it's good. It's like, oh, they had to do 30 things to cook that. But it didn't come together as good as, like, that quesadilla I had across town.

[B]

I also, and this is where I think I stand firmest as it relates to food is I don't care how good the meal is if I don't feel satisfied afterwards. Words that, like, part of what a good meal to me is, is you filled my tummy all the way to the brim. But a lot of times you go to these fancy restaurants and shit and like it. Yes, it was a great tasting item that you offered me, but I still hungry, so I don't like you no more.

[C]

That's fair.

[B]

You know what I mean?

[C]

Yeah, you're a hangry guy.

[B]

You. You giving me blue balls of the Tum Tum. I don't like that.

[C]

Angry hangry hippos.

[B]

Yeah, exactly.

[C]

Yeah, I get that. I mean, there is something to be said for just a big, like, bowl of stew or some shit.

[B]

Come on, dog. You go to some of these restaurants and look, I get it. The Midwest don't do a lot great. But we. We serve you the portions you deserve.

[C]

That's fair. You will get full as you ain't walking away way. That's a good point.

[B]

With your tummy growling at the local eatery in the Midwest.

[C]

And I do like Midwestern food. I love a beef dip. It. Flip it.

[B]

Come on, man.

[C]

Smack it up. Rub it down. Oh, no.

[B]

Yeah, I just, like, I. I think it's unfair when, you know, you. You pay money and. And are expecting a quality meal and you have what is a delightful tasting experience, but not a filling experience. And I would argue that if you cannot fill me up, then you can't cook that good. God damn. Yeah, I'm taking big swings, baby.

[C]

All right, all right. Well, I think. But also, there is a level of when I. Okay, I will say this. When I go to one of those fancy restaurants with a richer person who doesn't mind buying enough to get us full. Yeah, it's a good time.

[B]

That is true.

[C]

I mean, we're going to lunch after this. I believe it's on big money players.

[B]

That's what they said. But.

[C]

But we'll.

[B]

We'll confirm when the episode's over.

[C]

Let's just say I'm getting three apps. I'm going to need the octopus. Olivia. I don't know why it's steeple.

[B]

Yeah. I'm going to try the pheasant. Yeah.

[C]

What is this? A risotta.

[B]

Is that a girl risotto? That's cool.

[C]

Yeah, that's a risott. Girls.

[A]

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[C]

It's sleek, it's sexy.

[B]

Come on. You want to tell them what we have?

[C]

Yeah, we have three different types of hats, which is really fun. We have a two tone hat, alien dad hat, the traditional logo in black and khaki. Then we have the enamel pin with the alien who has a koofie on it, says my mama told me. And then we have T shirts that say proud little mama, which is who you are.

[B]

Yeah, you can buy the merch now. Go to mymamatoldme.merchcentral.com where you can see all of our merch. You can buy shit and we want you to have all the sweet stuff, so get it. Yeah, I think you're probably right that it's more about being able to order more of it. But I also think that, like, and I'm truly speaking for myself, I'm not a great cook. I know that about myself.

[C]

Really? Yeah. But do you? Okay, yeah, go ahead. Because if I put my mind to it, I can be very good.

[B]

That's my problem, what you're saying, like, I'm not. I won't try.

[C]

Right, right. But if I try, whenever I actually put some elbow in, it's good.

[B]

I won't. I'm not making shit by any means, but I just don't have the energy, the internal yearning to like, work for an hour on a thing that I then eat in 10 minutes.

[C]

Right, I understand that.

[B]

Like, it's. I can't process it.

[C]

Do you make, like man meals a lot? Well, you have a family, though.

[B]

I got a nice lady who does it for me, like a. I do all the cleaning, a woman who does all the cooking.

[C]

Oh, your wife?

[B]

Yeah, my wife.

[C]

Oh, okay.

[B]

No, I don't have like a. Do you really think I'm rolling in the dough like that?

[C]

I don't Have a. I know that in my head I've seen. I don't know why. I think you're rich. Are you not? It's okay.

[B]

I don't think so.

[C]

I'm doing fine.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. We have a two income household. We do pretty well. But a lady who like truly cooks for you, a chef is.

[C]

I don't know the prices.

[B]

That's a different. That's a step above where I also do.

[C]

Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I make a lot of money. Yeah.

[B]

Cool.

[C]

Not like a lot like a black people. A lot of money. Cool.

[B]

Big man. But I say all that to say I know that if I were making a small port portion of something, I could make it very well. Do you know what I mean? That like it's the increasing of the quantity that makes it more complicated. Which is why catering is so fucking tough. It's why like when you go to fucking college campuses and you're eating like those at the trays and trays of food that they put out for the buffets while the eggs are ass and the grits are runny and all the shit.

[C]

Like if you go to Golden Corral, it's ass.

[B]

Because it's not because the dude in the back doesn't know how to make good food. It's cause he has to make the most food.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And that's really, really hard.

[C]

That being said, I just went to a Golden Corral about a month ago.

[B]

It was hidden.

[C]

Still hidden.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

Yeah. Also, you know, there's still an alcohol in there at Golden Corral, which is crazy.

[B]

I didn't know they could do that.

[C]

They're selling alcohol in the Golden Corral.

[B]

I'll be honest, I was a old Country Buffet boy as growing up. That was our signature restaurant. I think it's probably regional. It's a Midwest.

[C]

It's called different things. Some places called Hometown Buffet, some places called Country Buffet, Old Country. But I think it's all the same.

[B]

I think they're cousins, they have the same fun Checkers rallies.

[C]

Yeah. Come and go. What's the other one? Yeah, Loaf and jug. The rest, Tom Thumb, it's all the same.

[B]

Point being, I remember my relationship to all of that food is so childlike that like I remember them like hot ass cinnamon buns they used to have in. And I used to fucking love those. And that was enough reason to like that place.

[C]

Yeah. Yeah. I would've found.

[B]

I never knew if they served alcohol. I just presumed they couldn't because I was a kid.

[C]

I don't think they did Cause it's like, I was thinking about it. It's a bad call.

[B]

You don't give liquor to those kinds of people.

[C]

There's not one place I would rather be drunk less than a buffet, bro. Like, so sad.

[B]

Bro, you just gave. You just gave him sick shrimp. You can't wash that down with tequila.

[C]

Oh, God. Oh, Tequila in the buffet is. That's fucking crazy. And I just, like, I think that that could turn dark so fast.

[B]

This ham has been under this light for hours.

[C]

Yeah. Cause, like, you almost need to be sober at a buffet to show some restraint.

[B]

You gotta know, like, you have.

[C]

No. Now you're drunk in there.

[B]

Come on. Come on.

[C]

I'm dipping my. I'm dipping my shrimp in fucking soft serve.

[B]

Come on. You're putting salad dressing on your Chinese.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Like who?

[C]

It's.

[B]

Hey, man, you're being crazy.

[C]

It's fucked up. I'm like. I feel the same way. I feel I'm the opposite of integration when it comes to, like, Cuisines. Yeah.

[B]

You gotta. I feel like the buffet has to be where prohibition sort of maintains.

[C]

Yeah. It's not good, but Golden Corral. Got it.

[B]

Yeah. You can't get drunk at Golden Corral. You should not do that. If you are a person who still frequents Golden Corral. That's okay.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

No judgment. We are a judgment. Free podcast. That's not true.

[C]

But Langston's judging you pretty hard.

[B]

Judging you pretty hard. But that said, more importantly, if you are going to the Golden Corral, stay sober, baby.

[C]

Yeah. You don't want it. It's just not for you.

[B]

That's not a low you need to sink to.

[C]

Nah, you're better than that.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you. You think it sounds like that this conspiracy of white people atrophying is less about a conscious choice on their part and more just sort of. What would you say the cause is?

[C]

I think the market got flooded with superior product. You know what I mean?

[B]

Yeah. That they were always making these weird Frito pies, and now we just know better.

[C]

Yeah. And now the Internet, you can learn how to make anything. Like, they're not. You know, they're just like, yeah, let me. Everybody can make curry now.

[B]

Everybody can make curry.

[C]

My mom was making curry back in 95.

[B]

Whoa. That was back when curry was illegal.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

They stop you at the airport if you had curry in your bag. You getting pulled over. Miss.

[C]

Ma'.

[B]

Am.

[C]

This is the first person I ever saw with coconut milk.

[B]

Whoa. That's crazy.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I didn't really get it.

[B]

I didn't know that coconuts could be milked.

[C]

No, no, no.

[B]

Can you milk me, Greg?

[C]

I don't know where. The whole thing there was due to.

[B]

A feces thrown all over the walls, the floor, the ceiling, and it stunk so bad.

[C]

That's just a good reset.

[B]

Yeah. You had to clean. Clean the house a little bit anyways. Yeah. So it sounds like you're of the belief that this is more about, like, a superior product. I will say that when we were talking about this out there, the idea was presented that some of this has to do with white people's laziness.

[C]

That was what a white person said.

[B]

Yeah. And let's be cautious. Let's be careful.

[C]

Shred lightly.

[B]

Let's make sure that our white listeners don't feel offended by the things that we're saying.

[C]

I don't know if we'll go that far.

[B]

We wanna hurt you, but we don't wanna hurt you with our setups. We wanna hurt you with our punchlines.

[C]

We wanna push you far enough away that you'll still give your money to support us.

[B]

You know, like an abusive relationship. We love you and we'll never do it again.

[C]

Yeah. And honestly, it's just. Cause you make me so bad sometimes. Oh, no.

[B]

That said, if you are being abused, call it a hotline.

[C]

Unless you're a white person being abused.

[B]

By us, then stay right here.

[C]

Give me money.

[B]

But no. It was presented that perhaps the cause of white people atrophying as chefs and cooks in general is a result of them just being lazy. That they have accepted a position of sort of, like, being served in society. And that they are unwilling to adjust that thinking even as they continue to make bullshit out in the world.

[C]

I think that's a little too simple. I think that maybe that idea is kind of based more on white supremacy than I want it to be. You know what I mean? Like, we're on top. So we just didn't. We just stopped trying. It's like. I think it's more. I think there's more going on than that.

[B]

Right. That, like, it suggests a possibility that, like, they are, in fact, kings and queens.

[C]

Yeah. As opposed to maybe they're just people who are fucking up.

[B]

Right.

[C]

You know what I'm saying? Like, the lazy thing kind of is like, yep, we got on top and now we're lazy. And we just. You know what I mean? As opposed. So there's not a problem with them. They don't have to answer for that. You know what I mean?

[B]

That's fair. We have seen certainly historically enough examples of both the rich and the poor being bad at cooking.

[C]

Right.

[B]

Do you know what I mean?

[C]

In different ways.

[B]

Yeah, in very different ways. So it does. It does make sense that you know what I mean? And that's true of all races. I would say.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

That, like, sometimes there is a dangerous propaganda of, like, black people can cook, white people can't. And that's not true. I know a lot of black motherfuckers that can't cook for shit.

[C]

Well, you said it.

[B]

I just think, on average, black people cook for shit. I enjoy black people's food a lot more than I enjoy white people's food. Yes, you're struggling to eat.

[C]

No, I'm just trying to think about. Cause I have definitely known some white people who can really cook throw down. But I think. Yeah, if we're talking about just like, on the whole. The numbers. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Which I wonder. Yeah, that is interesting. Cause it's always crazy to me when you meet, like, a whole family who can't cook. You ever go over to, like, those kids house when you were a kid and you're like, this is what your mom is.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[C]

You just. You gotta lip like this. You eat this shit every day?

[B]

Yeah, every day. I'll be honest. I mean this. I mean it genuinely. My father. One of my favorite dishes that he used to make when I was a kid was something called tomato chicken. And it was just.

[C]

God damn it. And it was just.

[B]

It was just a fucking, like a weird, like, chicken breast in a skillet with, like, tomatoes, like, out of the can.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And he would just, like, mix it up and lightly season. And I'd be like, this is fucking. Yeah, this is the best. And in retrospect, it wasn't good.

[C]

You just like chicken.

[B]

I like chicken and I like tomatoes. And I was like, these are two things I care for.

[C]

That's a single dad ass meal, too.

[B]

Yeah, he was even.

[C]

Well, Langston, we're good. We're having. We're having tomato chicken tonight. It's tomato chicken night. Really, Papa?

[B]

It's almost like you were there. You truly captured our voices perfectly.

[C]

Yeah, that's how I figured. I bet you, dad, you're a real nice guy.

[B]

Yeah. He was making this shit tomato chicken. And I loved it.

[C]

I get it.

[B]

And I don't think it was good.

[C]

He's got this weird little boy who loves poetry. He doesn't know what to do.

[B]

Feeding, like, I gotta make a meal fast.

[C]

Yeah, there's gotta Be some vegetables in it, apparently.

[B]

Tomatoes, onion. Chicken.

[C]

Yeah, tomato chicken.

[B]

Tomato chicken. And I thought it was the fucking best. And now in retrospect, it wasn't the best.

[C]

Does your dad still make tomato chicken?

[B]

I bet he does. We, we don't, we don't have meals at, at his house anymore.

[C]

When you go back.

[B]

Yeah, no, we, we don't.

[C]

You're at a restaurant.

[B]

I've never asked him to cook for me ever again. And I don't think he's never been like, you know, I've been working on the tomato chicken. I got a new recipe. So. Yeah, it's just, I think we're all in agreement that like that that was the act of a, of a man just trying to keep it together for, for a boy.

[C]

Hey, but you know what? Tomato chicken, you wouldn't be who you are now without that tomato chicken.

[B]

I think the tomato chicken really helped shape me into a stronger individual and it's hilarious. And I think maybe if we were bringing this full circle, maybe that's what, what white people would benefit from is a little bit of full acknowledgement that like you have been eating tomato chicken this whole time.

[C]

Right?

[B]

You guys are, it's never been that good. Stop giving yourself stars for fucking award winning meals just because one dude in it.

[C]

But there's stars all over the world though.

[B]

But that's what I mean.

[C]

But I would argue, I bet there's a lot less in Africa in South America than dog.

[B]

That's what I'm saying. Who is Michelin?

[C]

It's the tire company.

[B]

And who's giving out the. You know what I mean? A big old, a big old fluffy white man is giving out the, those, those awards.

[A]

Is he?

[C]

Who is he? Who decides? Yeah, they send the fat, they send the fat blimp guy.

[B]

The. He's not a blimp. He's made out of tires.

[C]

He's a bunch of tires stacked on top of him coming to this French restaurant. Yeah.

[B]

And he's like, it's pretty good.

[C]

You know what?

[B]

You get a star.

[C]

Wait, wait, is he French?

[B]

I don't think so.

[C]

Oh no. Is Michelin a French name?

[B]

I don't know. I have never studied them at all. But the point is, I think we would benefit.

[C]

French food is for poor people.

[B]

French food is for poor people. But now they act like it's fancy food.

[C]

Yeah. It's all just like butter and sauce.

[B]

Yeah. It's just they, they put a bunch of butter and then they pour the butter on top of the, the thing they're cooking until it's.

[C]

I mean, that's how I make steaks, and it's amazing.

[B]

No, it's. French food is fucking great.

[C]

We should make them get us steaks after this.

[B]

Come on, man. We having steaks, y'. All. Hey.

[C]

On Will Ferrell.

[B]

On Will. Dirty Dog Farrell.

[C]

Big Willie.

[B]

Stop. Yeah. I just say white people would benefit from being more honest about their relationship with their own food. And then subsequently, maybe we can become. They can learn to become better cooks. They can learn to actually embrace the cultures around them by first acknowledging, like, hey, we've been putting up shit, not numbers.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Your mom's casserole is kind of bad.

[B]

It's not. Frito pie. Ain't a thing.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Wipe your lips so, you know. Yeah, There you go. Well, it was very recently that it.

[C]

Happened, because I ate that bagel. I was just. I was hungry.

[B]

I don't want you to look like a fool.

[C]

No, I appreciate it.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

It's just I had some nuts, and then I was like, I need more. And then you had made that nut joke, which made me kind of, like, hesitant to eat more nuts if you're not eating more.

[B]

I only made the joke because you screamed out loud.

[C]

Screamed, I love nuts. I do love nuts. And you shouldn't feel bad about that. It's very healthy.

[B]

Now we listen. I am a product of my own community.

[C]

He's a tomato chicken man.

[B]

I'm a tomato chicken man through and through. I don't know how long we've been doing this.

[C]

Feels like hours.

[B]

I feel like we did it.

[C]

I think it feels good.

[B]

I think we nailed this perfectly.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

No notes whatsoever.

[C]

10 out of 10.

[B]

You want to tell the people where they can find you and what cool shit you have going on?

[C]

Cool guy jokes 87 on Instagram. That's where everything's going to be at. Oh, when this comes out, you should watch Royal Crackers on Adult Swim and then HBO Max the next day.

[B]

Mm. Hell, yeah.

[C]

Yeah, that's Max Max. Oh, it's just Max.

[B]

It's just Max now.

[C]

Mad Max.

[B]

Mad Max tv.

[C]

What about you?

[B]

You can find me at Langston Kerman on all social media platforms. And if this comes out before February 19th, I would love for you to be at my special taping in Chicago at the Green Mill. The tickets are available online, and, yeah, I'm gonna be telling jokes for an hour, and it's gonna be really fun, and I hope you guys will pack it out and make it a great time. And as always, if you want to send us your own drops, your own conspiracies? If you want to send us a recipe of your mother's famous bullshit white food that you think in fact is worth celebrating, send it all to my Mama Pot. And we would love to hear from you. That's the whole shebang. Bye, bitch. I'd rather check myself before I wreck myself.

[C]

The government growing babies, microchips in your anus. All koala bears are racist. The ozone layer owes me money. Marshall's invented turkey stuffing. Y' all can't tell me nothing.

[A]

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[B]

This episode is brought to you by pbs, home of Ken Burns. His newest film, the American Revolution, reveals untold stories of people, some familiar, many forgotten, who risked everything to change the course of history. It's the story of a war that was bloody, complex and profoundly consequential. Ken Burns and his co directors Sarah Botstein and David Schmidt, shine a light on how this historic fight for independence lit the spark for freedom that still burns today. Stream the American Revolution on the PBS app. Don't miss it.

[A]

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[A]

Is an iHeart podcast.