Podcast Summary

My So-Called Midlife with Reshma Saujani

Episode: “One Bad Mother with EJ Dickson”
Release Date: February 4, 2026
Host: Reshma Saujani
Guest: EJ Dickson (Journalist, Critic, Author of One Bad Mother)

Main Theme

This episode explores the pressures, contradictions, and evolving cultural expectations of modern motherhood in America, through a candid conversation between host Reshma Saujani and author/journalist EJ Dickson. Together, they unpack why so many mothers feel judged or unsatisfied despite “having it all”; the historical roots of the “good mother” standard; and how culture, policy, and internalized binaries continue to shape women’s identities and guilt. EJ Dickson’s book One Bad Mother serves as the focal point, with frank discussion on guilt, judgment, work, sexuality, and the impossible standards mothers are held to.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Denial & Complexity of Midlife Motherhood

• Midlife Mindset (05:23)
  • EJ, at 36, shares she’s “in complete denial” about midlife:

    “I feel like internally, I’m 20 years old, and then … I wake up in the morning with a splitting headache, I’m like, no, I’m not 20.” — EJ Dickson (05:46)

  • Both host and guest acknowledge the internal conflict between feeling youthful and recognizing the physical/mental realities of aging.

2. Motherhood as Trial by Jury & Taking Up Space

• Reshma: “Motherhood has become a constant trial by jury. Every choice feels like evidence in a case you're building for or against yourself.” (03:07)
• EJ recounts realizing she was treated “worse” as a mother, sharing a memory of being glared at for bringing a stroller into a narrow coffee shop:

  “Everybody looked at me like I had pooped on the floor.” — EJ Dickson (08:16)

• Discussion of the constant, often unspoken expectation that mothers apologize for existing in public spaces, and how this is a particularly American phenomenon.

3. Origins and Impact of the ‘Good Mother’ Ideal

• Reshma asks about the roots of the ‘good mom’ fixation, how guilt and self-policing became central:
  • EJ clarifies she has some immunity as a “person without a filter,” but acknowledges her privilege as a white, middle-class mother — for others, the consequences are far graver (11:00).
  • EJ: “I don’t like tummy time, I don’t like birthday parties, I don’t like … who does?” (11:30)
• Discussion about media and culture’s role, e.g. the way “The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel” solves the “working mom problem” by making children invisible.

4. Culture’s Binaries: Worker vs. Mother, Madonna vs. Whore

• The deeply ingrained binaries (angel in the house / flapper; tradwife / girlboss; Madonna / whore) are explained:
  • “It obviously serves the patriarchy just to keep women in buckets … men do not have to adhere to such a rigid binary.” — EJ Dickson (22:55)
  • “People are comforted by reductionist narratives … It’s very easy to see the world through that lens rather than acknowledge the complexities … that you can be a full person, a sexual person, a career-oriented person, and also have children.” — EJ Dickson (23:10)
• Reshma and EJ agree the cultural reality is in the messy middle, not the extremes we’re sold.

5. Why the System Stays Broken

• The system’s difficulty is not a bug, but a feature:
  • “I don’t think that that is a bug. I think that is the function of the plan … culturally, men have never been comfortable with the idea of women in the workplace.” — EJ Dickson (18:39)
  • Both highlight current political rhetoric that openly reinforces these regressive standards.

6. Historical Evolution of Motherhood Expectations

• The “good mother” as an American standard is relatively recent:
  • Pre-Industrial Revolution: “The standard was, basically, you keep your kids alive.” — EJ Dickson (20:36)
  • Industrialization bifurcates women’s roles (“angel in the house”), entrenching the domestic ideal.

7. Patriarchal Binaries: Who Do They Serve?

• The persistence of harmful tropes (see “tradwife” influencers, girlbosses, etc.; discussion of Ballerina Farm)
  • EJ notes that while the tradwife aesthetic isn’t aspirational for her, it can be a valid, monetized choice for others—reminding us:

    “There’s no ethical consumption under capitalism. Demonizing women who forge a role for themselves within that structure … the reality is complex.” (26:27)

• Left vs. right debate: Patronizing to suggest some women don’t have autonomy in their choices; instead, different choices may be pragmatic, not forced.

8. Motherhood, Mental Health, and True Crime Fascination

• On mothers pushed to breaking points:
  • EJ’s research into “true crime moms” reveals that even women who kill/abuse their children are often doing the best they can amid poverty, abuse, and lack of support:

    “They were all trying to be the best parents they could under the very, very, very trying circumstances they had. It's just that it wasn't enough.” — EJ Dickson (32:23)

• The popularity of these stories among moms stems from both horror and subconscious empathy (“this could be me … but I’m still a good mom”).

9. Sexuality and Desire in Motherhood

• The MILF chapter, and the cultural moment:
  • Puritanism and hypersexualization co-exist—mothers are expected to be both hot and pure (34:39).
  • “The binary between Madonna and whore has never been so firmly circumscribed … it's a feature, not a bug.” — EJ Dickson (34:46)
  • Men encouraged to want mothers “who look like whores,” yet women are shamed either way.

10. Maha Moms: Distrust of Medical Establishment

• Rabbit holes of alternative parenting and medical skepticism are rooted in marginalization:
  • “It’s impossible to overemphasize just how much reason women have to not trust the medical establishment. Because the medical establishment doesn't trust us.” — EJ Dickson (39:02)
  • Especially true for mothers of special needs/kids with chronic illness.

11. The Unspoken Tension: Love and Resentment

• Reshma: “My favorite job is being a mother. But I look at my children sometimes ... my life would look different without you. I would make different choices.” (39:41)
• EJ: “There’s a tendency to look at it as a binary … the reality for most of us is somewhere in between.” (40:15)
• Over-course correction and guilt, attributed to attachment theory and parenting advice industry.

12. Letting Go of Guilt: The Ultimate Takeaway

• “If there’s one thing I want people to take away from this book, it’s you don’t need to feel guilty about a lot of the shit that you feel guilty about because it is made ... to make you feel bad about yourself.” — EJ Dickson (43:18)
• The “gifterd and talented program,” the little stuff, “just fades to the background” for parents of special needs kids—what matters is if your child is happy and safe (44:53).
• Challenge: Can we normalize honest conversation and support, not suspicion, among mothers?

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “I thought I’d be the exception to the rule, which is an insane thing to … admit in retrospect ... This should be a cakewalk. And it very much was not.” — EJ Dickson (07:37)
• “I don’t like tummy time. I don’t like birthday parties. I don’t like … who does?” — EJ Dickson (11:30)
• “There’s no binary for men. They can be anything that they want … like Barbie. They can be an astronaut, they can be an attorney.” — EJ Dickson (23:10)
• “It’s just crazy to me that we don’t openly acknowledge [the tension between love and resentment] … because it just seems so obvious to me.” — EJ Dickson (40:52)
• “There’s no ethical consumption under capitalism … the reality is just very complex.” — EJ Dickson (26:27)
• “You don’t need to feel guilty about a lot of the shit that you feel guilty about … it is made up in thin air … by people who have a vested interest in making you feel bad.” — EJ Dickson (43:18)

Timestamps for Key Segments

• Denial about Midlife — 05:27
• Taking Up Space as a Mom — 07:37
• Motherhood as Trial by Jury/Self-Judgment — 03:07, 10:01
• Cultural Construction of 'Good Mother' Standard — 11:30, 20:36
• Culture’s Binaries & Their Roots — 21:38, 22:51, 23:08
• Systemic Gaslighting of Working Moms — 18:39
• Patronizing Political Ads & Autonomy in Choices — 27:08, 27:33
• True Crime Moms & Mental Health — 31:08–33:46
• Motherhood and Sexuality Dichotomies — 34:41–36:06
• Medical Distrust & Maha Moms — 37:18–39:32
• Mothers' Love vs. Resentment Tension — 39:41–41:02
• Letting Go of Guilt & The Real Bar for Parenting — 43:18–44:53

Tone & Language

Conversational, candid, and often irreverent. Both Reshma and EJ use humor and directness to challenge cultural myths, speak honestly about ambivalence, and push for more compassion—for others and themselves. The episode encourages mothers to reject guilt and judgment, and to embrace nuance.

Actionable Insights & Takeaways

• Motherhood is complex, not a binary; no one fits the Instagram ideal of total self-sacrifice, and that’s not a failure.
• The pressure and judgment mothers feel is largely a function of patriarchal systems, not individual failings.
• Empathy—for oneself, for other women making different choices, for marginalized or struggling parents—is foundational.
• The solution starts with honest self-reflection and refusing to internalize guilt designed to keep women in their “place.”
• For parents, especially mothers of special needs children, true success is about comfort and happiness, not achievement or perfection.
• Nuanced, open conversations—without shame or suspicion—support healthier mothers and a healthier society.

Episode end: “You don’t need to feel guilty ... it is made up to make you feel bad by people who have a vested interest in making you feel bad about yourself.” — EJ Dickson (43:18)