← My So-Called Midlife with Reshma Saujani
My So-Called Midlife with Reshma Saujani
Revisit: Entering Our Brad Pitt Era with Margaret Cho
00:34:58
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- [00:01]
A
Today's episode is supported by what Should I Do with My Money? An original podcast from Morgan Stanley. This podcast pairs real people with experienced financial advisors. You'll hear candid conversations from people just like you with questions just like yours. Questions like can I retire early? Like really early. How do I leave a financial legacy for my special needs child? Menopause is making me feel wacky and it's shifting how I think about money. Help. These conversations can get emotional, but they're always practical. I checked out the episode about money, motherhood and menopause on what should I do with my money? And I loved hearing from other women who are also committed to setting their kids up for success and hearing how menopause plays into work and money and just everything. It's so on brand with what we talk about every week on the show. Search for what Should I Do with My Money in your podcast player. We'll also include a link in the show notes. Thank you to what Should I Do with My Money? And Morgan Stanley for their support. There's one thing that all people on earth have in common. We move through the world in a human body. Bodies ache, they bleed, they desire, they hold the stories of our lives. International Planned Parenthood Federation, or ippf, is sharing some of those stories from around the world. Read them now@ippf.org everybody. Lemonada welcome to my so Called Midlife, a podcast where we figure out how to stop just getting through it and start actually living it. I'm Reshma Sajani. So every week I do a little something that honors this current era of my life. I realized as I was entering midlife that to go up, I needed to go in like I was just yearning for a spiritual exploration. So I got myself a monk. And every two weeks, no matter what is going on in my life, I have a standing meeting with with Razanath. And we spent an hour not talking about how to crush that goal or fix that thing, but just talking about the things I'm curious about. Talking about life, how to live and lead a better life, a more joyful life. And this ritual helps me just be a little kinder to me and all of the other changes that are happening to my mind and my body. So today's guest, Margaret Cho, is the queen of rituals. She's got this easy, confident, almost like joyful approach to aging. In talking to her, I was so inspired. Margaret is a queer icon and a comedy legend. I was literally just talking to a friend about how I rented Margaret's comedy special, Notorious cho. Literally in 2002 at Blockbuster. And today she's still at it. She's performing a live show called Live and Livid, which is her way of fighting back against sexism, homophobia, and racism. And here's the thing. She is having so much damn fun in her fifth decade. You've probably seen her in recent films like Fire island or Korra Bora, and she's even a musician. She's a woman who composes her own music. I mean, come on. Margaret is well versed in making light out of the hard parts of life, and it just made this conversation refreshing and authentic. Hey, Margaret. How are you?
- [03:48]
B
I'm good. How are you?
- [03:49]
A
Good. If you're down, I'll get into it. And I just want to say, I think the first show of yours that I saw was Notorious cho in, like, 2002, and it was awesome, so.
- [04:01]
B
Oh, thank you.
- [04:02]
A
Huge fan. My husband's like, what? You're talking to Margaret? I'm like, yes, I am. So I'm a fan. Hi.
- [04:09]
B
Thank you.
- [04:10]
A
Okay, so, Margaret, on this show, we've been talking about midlife mindset, and, like, if I'm honest, like, it literally varies for everyone. Some folks are like, best fucking time of my life. Some people are like, worst time of my life. Where do you land? What's your midlife mindset?
- [04:27]
B
Oh, I love it. I'm having the best time. I really am so amazed at how much better my life is, like, in.
- [04:36]
A
It's great.
- [04:37]
B
I'm really happy.
- [04:39]
A
Is there anything you've discovered, like, in your 50s that, like, has been a total, like, game changer?
- [04:45]
B
Well, that you can actually be single and happy and also have intimate relationships that don't require marriage or cohabitation, that don't require the emotional labor that kind of consisted of most of my romantic relationships up until probably the age of 48, you know, that were really unhappy because I followed the game plan of you meet somebody, you start dating you. You're, like, together, and then you get married. Like, it's always been terrible. So now I feel very fortunate to kind of create my own sort of plan around that, which also includes long periods of not having any sort of intimacy whatsoever, which is also great. So I love it.
- [05:38]
A
What about friendships, though? Cause I don't know about you, Margaret, but I have found, especially recently, like, I'm shedding more friends. Like, it's actually harder to sustain friendships. Do you find that, too?
- [05:51]
B
That's true. But also with comedians, we form these lifelong bonds with other comedians that are really, like, they lapse for many years, where we don't see each other for years, and then we come back together and we resume. So it's like there's people that I don't see on a daily basis, but I'm very close to and maintain that friendship through texting or calling or whatever. And then there's like, of course, my core group of friends that I see really often. But I mean, I think that in general with friendships is I don't meet as many new people to be friends with.
- [06:30]
A
Yes, me too. Like, I haven't had a new friend in, like, years. Like, actually, I did make a new friend, but it's harder. And I don't know if it's about, like, not having time or, like, you know, the intimacy that you have to get to. To really. It's like the friendships where, like, you don't have to talk, you can just exist.
- [06:47]
B
Yeah.
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A
Whereas when you make a new friend, like, I feel like you still have to entertain them.
- [06:51]
B
Right. I mean, I don't know. Like, I actually have a. A couple of new friends that we do a meditation group where we actually get together to not talk. I love that.
- [07:01]
A
That's what I need to do.
- [07:02]
B
Yeah. Meditation is a huge part of my life. And so I actually will. I have social gatherings where we don't speak at all. And that kind of fosters a really intense intimacy that, to me, that's really so powerful and really rewarding.
- [07:18]
A
I have a pro tip question about meditation. So for me, you know how they're like, let the thoughts come in. Like, that's normal. Like, the thoughts always. In, like, a minute, I'm like, planning, like, what I need to. What groceries that I need to buy or like, what my mom did. That, like, really pissed me off. Right. Like, it's like, how has that. As you've gotten better at it and you've practiced more. Like, has that shifted? Does that shift? Do I need to just stick with it?
- [07:43]
B
Yeah, just stick with it. Cause that's gonna happen no matter what. Because our minds are geared to work. So meditation is like guiding it back to a point of reference. Like, whatever that is, you know, whatever's happening, like, you just guide it back. So when you start to have the thought, try to start engaging with. I'm not gonna do the planning. Like, I start to have the thought where you. Even if it's like, oh, I'm gonna put together a shopping list, put things back on the shelf, like, in your mind, that in itself is a kind of meditation.
- [08:18]
A
Oh, that's so wild. Oh, I'm going to try that. Like, so, like, when I start, like, oh, I need to buy apple and then fish sticks, it's like I actually see the apple and put it back.
- [08:27]
B
Yeah, put it back and kind of think about the weight of it and what it feels like in your hand and put it back onto the stack of apples and then put it back. Put things back. Like that. It works. And part of that is like, oh, I'm actually going to actively dismantle all these thoughts. And then that in itself is a separation from your thought. So that's a handy trick in meditation to use.
- [08:51]
A
Oh, I'm gonna try that, like, today.
- [08:54]
B
It works. It's weird.
- [08:55]
A
Oh, I love that. Okay. You said something that I just loved. You said. So everybody wants you in your 50s, and you are very sought after. I have found that I'm getting more romantic attention now than ever in my life, including in my early 20s, which is saying a lot. I think there's a kind of grace that we have that's irresistible to people of all ages. It's pretty phenomenal. Like, do you really have more game in your 50s?
- [09:24]
B
Yes, but it's also. I have less energy to run it to completion, you know, Like, I have less patience as well, to kind of see things through in terms of just appeal or people kind of coming over, being interested or whatever. Yes, for sure. There's a lot of people of all ages, like, in their 20s and older. Less interest from the other side. Less interest for people in their 60s and 70s. But definitely isn't that fascinating, right?
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A
It's like, it's true. It's like, it's like. Like younger men are like, damn. Or women are like, damn.
- [09:59]
B
Yeah, for sure.
- [10:00]
A
Let's get it.
- [10:01]
B
Totally. Like, it's like, very. It's zaddy. Like, zaddy. Like Daddy likes very zaddy. We get to appeal that we are all very. Yeah, we're all. We're all Brad Pitt in the end.
- [10:16]
A
But here's the thing. I feel like when I feel like, oh, I look good, I feel good. Like, I'm crushing it. I have my swag. I can literally walk down the street and I feel the buzz. Right? Like, you're like, I guess that's the zaddy. But I know that, like. Like, I can turn it on. But I think for a lot of women, they don't know how to turn it on because they're so stuck in the fact that, like, no one looks at me. So how do you, like, turn that switch on?
- [10:41]
B
I don't know, like I think it's just. It comes from, like, feeling good and kind of feeling, like, oh, I would like to feel, like, energized and feel, like, sexually potent, you know, and enjoying it. It could be, like, a color theory, too. Like, for me, red is kind of a power color. Like, whether it's like, red lipstick or even red eyeshadow, something about that. Like, you know, there's just something about stepping into the power. It's a decision that we make. You know, you can hide from it or you can really step into the light of it.
- [11:16]
A
And I think what you're saying is it's not about the intention of an actual. Of doing anything about it. It's the feeling that you get.
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B
Yeah. And just enjoying that feeling and enjoying the celebration of that, you know, stepping into the energy of that.
- [11:31]
A
Is that what queen energy is?
- [11:33]
B
Yeah, it's queen energy. It's divine energy. It's like, you know, I love old movies, and I love, like, Marilyn Monroe and how she was just sort of walking in this sort of goddess energy. And I feel like there's a light there that everybody can benefit from.
- [11:49]
A
And you've written too, like, that you. You take care of your physical health now, right? You said, like, in your 50s, you're drinking green juice, you're exercising, you're gardening, you're bird watching.
- [11:57]
B
Yes.
- [11:58]
A
And, you know, part of what you talked about is, like, that you have struggled with depression over the years, and, like, your 20s, like, so many of us were so damn hard because we could not. We didn't feel like we fit in. And now many people turn to alcohol and drugs as a way to kind of just numb that sense of difference and alienation. And now it's like, your 50s, you're like, forget it. Like, I don't care. And that's really created, like, this abundance in many ways of, like, pursuit of health. How did you get there?
- [12:30]
B
Well, I mean, I have had a lot of trial and error using medication for depression. I've been in a lot of therapy. What. Many different kinds of therapy, whether it's group therapy or EMDR or just a talk therapy or, you know, utilize. Trying to use different psych meds to get there. But I. I never found that perfect solution. And so I realized vigorous exercise combined with meditation combined with these, like, you know, different sort of, like, healing communities that I'm part of, as well as taking care of my animals and my home. And, you know, there's a lot of things that my work is a huge part of it. So my. My. My Day begins, like, really early, and I have, like, a bunch of, like, different kinds of readings that I do for my mental health. And then I have my meditation, and then I write a joke. One joke every day.
- [13:25]
A
Really?
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B
Every day as part of my meditation, I have one. I can't leave the sort of mat until I write that one joke.
- [13:33]
A
Can you tell me what joke you wrote today?
- [13:35]
B
Today?
- [13:36]
A
Yeah.
- [13:36]
B
Let me see what it's.
- [13:37]
A
Ooh, I can't wait.
- [13:37]
B
I have to see what I wrote today. I can't remember it. Oh, is this about strap on dildos? It's in addition to another joke that I wrote about it. Cause I think the strap on doesn't really hit. Cause there's something about it that doesn't quite replicate dick. Cause I love the Snickers vein and dick. But then there's an area. The joke I wrote to add to it was the strap does hit while you're wearing it. Because when you're wearing it, you're not contributing to the patriarchy. And that is really hot. So you're, like, using it and like, our bodies, our choice. Hell, yeah. So that was this morning.
- [14:16]
A
I love it. I love that ritual. Every morning, one joke.
- [14:20]
B
Just one. And it doesn't have to be funny, and it doesn't have to be good, and it doesn't have to be used. But I just have to, after all of the sort of spiritual work or whatever that I do in the morning, that's the last. So it's sort of the punctuation of it, like, okay, here it is. The one thing. Sometimes it's like, just like an idea, but it can grow into something else. So that's just for me.
- [14:52]
A
Today's episode is supported by what Should I Do with My Money? An original podcast from Morgan Stanley. This podcast pairs real people with experienced financial advisors. You'll hear candid conversations from people just like you with questions just like yours. Questions like, can I retire early? Like, really early? How do I leave a financial legacy for my special needs child? Menopause is making me feel wacky, and it's shifting how I think about money. Help. These conversations can get emotional, but they're always practical. I checked out the episode about money, motherhood, and menopause on what should I do with my money? And I loved hearing from other women who are also committed to setting their kids up for success and hearing how menopause plays into work and money and just everything. It's so on brand with what we talk about every week on this show. Search for what should I do? With my money in your podcast player. We'll also include a link in the show notes. Thank you to what Should I Do with My Money And Morgan Stanley for their support. Cooler days call for layers that last and Quince is my go to for quality essentials that feel cozy, look refined and won't blow your budget. Think $50 Mongolian cashmere, premium denim that fits like a dream and luxe outerwear you'll wear year after year. These are the pieces that'll turn into your fall uniform. I'm eyeing their wool coats. They look designer level but cost a fraction of the price and the quality. Honestly just as good if not better. And because Quint's partners directly with top tier ethical factories and cuts out the middlemen, they deliver luxury quality pieces at half the price of similar brands. It's the kind of wardrobe upgrade that feels smart, stylish and effortless. Quince is really become my one stop shop. I already mentioned the Mongolian cashmere and the denim that I love, but I also found great things for my husband, the kids, the kitchen and even around the house. Find your fall staples at Quince. Go to Quince.com MidLife for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada too. That's Q-U-I-N-C-E.com MidLife to get free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.com MidLife Remember when life felt lighter? When the music was good and you were just you? Well, it's time to press pause on routines and hit play on something unforgettable. The 90s cruise from January 25th through 30th, 2026 set sail onboard Celebrity Constellation leaving from Tampa and heading to Nassau and Key West. Five days of Sunshine themed nights, concerts from tlc, Sugar Ray, better than Ezra, En Vogue and more. All inclusive so your food, drinks and entertainment are taken care of. It's not just nostalgia. Sure, it's the music you love, but it's also about stepping into joy, freedom and memories that remind you who you are beyond the daily grind. Treat yourself because after years of showing up for everyone else, this is your chance to do something unforgettable for you. Head to the 90scruise.com midlife to book now and use code MIDLIFE for $250 off new reservations. If you're still overpaying for wireless, it's time to say yes to saying no. At Mint Mobile. Their favorite word is no. No contracts, no monthly bills, no overages, no hidden fees, no B.S. here's why I said yes to making the switch and getting Premium Wireless for $15 a month. Look, I was tired of those jaw dropping bills from my old provider. The random fees, the overages, the fine print. With Mint, plans start at just $15 a month. All plans come with high speed data and unlimited talk and text on the nation's largest 5G network. And the best part, you don't have to buy a new phone. You can just use your own device with any Mint Mobile plan and even keep your phone number and all your contacts. Honestly, the service quality is every bit as good as my old provider. But now I'm saving money every month. That's money back in my pocket for things I actually want. Ready to say yes to saying no? Make the switch@mintmobile.com midlife that's mintmobile.com midlife upfront payment of $45 required, equivalent to $15 a month limited time. New customer offer for the first three months only. Speeds may slow above 35 gigabytes on unlimited plan taxes and fees extra. See Mint Mobile for. You've been so open about the upside of aging. You know, you started with that. You're like, this is freaking great. And I want to read a quote from you because I really think it's like perfection. So I really love menopause and I think that people have this idea about menopause being somehow the end or it's over. But no, it's just the beginning. It's another puberty where you really come into a space of becoming yourself and, and it's never framed that way. Tell me more about this new beginning for you.
- [20:01]
B
Well, I love it. Like, I am really also enjoying hormone replacement therapy. You know, I take estrogen, I take progesterone, I take testosterone. And it's really helped me manage the sort of physical symptoms of what menopause can be and also pick and choose what I want and I don't want. You know, and really I also understand now so much of my quote unquote fertility was really bringing me the most problems, that my hormones were more in charge of my choices than I was. And now I'm in charge of like finding out what hormones I need and using them to the degree that I need them. And I just love that.
- [20:42]
A
So now basically having control over your hormones, like, what are you doing now that you weren't doing before? Like, what's the freedom that having that type of control has given you?
- [20:53]
B
Well, I'm just very adamant about choosing the people that I want to be with. Like choosing the experiences that I want to have, creating those boundaries around those experiences. And I think hormonally, before I was drawn to like, oh, well, I better, you know, stay with this romantic relationship because they really want this. And what am I going to do if I'm alone? Like, and I would just be coerced into full blown marriages that I didn't wanna be in, you know, because I was like, so afraid. Like, oh, but you know, if I don't hang on to this person, I might be alone. What if I die alone? Like, the fear of dying alone was.
- [21:37]
A
So terrifying for you.
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B
Was so terrifying. But now I'm like, so excited to like, I'm like, that's great.
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A
Do you think that you came to that though, through menopause?
- [21:46]
B
Yeah, I think it was menopause. It was the cessation of this hormones that were like keeping me up with this idea that I had a biological imperative to nest and create more or whatever that is. You know, like, I still thought I had to like, have a family. I think that was like all hormonal. It was never a real decision that I wanted to make for myself.
- [22:09]
A
That's fascinating. So what do you say to women who don't want to get married or who don't want to have kids and also don't want to feel bad about that decision?
- [22:17]
B
Yeah, nobody should feel bad about it. Why, why, why have children if you don't want it? Like the huge undertaking of making people, you can do it or not. It's a choice. Some people feel like they are born to do it and they, they are the people that should have children. But those of us who just don't want to, shouldn't have to. And we should feel fine about that. I feel totally fine about that. It's not selfish. It's selfish to have children. Like, just so because people say you should and then not enjoy it, you know, then you're depriving. I would never inflict myself on a child. Like, I, I don't, I don't want to do that to any kid. Like, that would be the worst. So I would rather not have to deal with it.
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A
Yeah. I think the point is, right, having, giving women the choice, right. To decide when, if, how. Do you think menopause has helped with your mental health?
- [23:11]
B
Yes, yes, greatly. Because I think that the constant like, push and pull of like the hormonal shifts over the month and not remembering that, oh, it's pms. I just think I'm suicidal. Like, you know, like, I was like, how Come every month I want to kill someone or myself. And I. I would be like, oh, it's always. Then I get my period and then it's like, oh, oh, that thing of, like, not having that. And that, like, is so amazing. There's still cycles that happen throughout the month, especially now with my HRT and stuff. But it's so manageable. It's so different.
- [23:50]
A
It's so true. It's so. I never know, like, why am I so angry or why am I so unhappy, or why did that thing that my kids said, my husband said, my colleague said just like, take me to 0 to 100. And I feel like I'm like. You know, my husband sometimes calls me Decepticon because he's like, your face is always like, your eyebrows are going in. And it's true. I feel that way. I'm always just a little fucking annoyed.
- [24:16]
B
Yeah.
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A
Or a lot annoyed. And I know it's the perimenopause.
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B
Right, Right. It's weird because. But we don't identify it as that because we're just so used to being ruled by our hormones that it's hard to see. Oh, this is actually just a function of the hormones.
- [24:32]
A
I did do a little testosterone this morning on my arms. I'm really excited to see, like, what the impact of that's gonna be.
- [24:38]
B
Yeah, it's energizing and it's, you know, to use little bits, like, the way that we do. And I worked it out with my doctor, so I get like compounded testosterone and it really helps so much. So, you know, like, we can definitely get so much from gender affirming care.
- [24:58]
A
Absolutely. Did you ever talk to your mom about menopause?
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B
Well, my mom and all of her friends and sisters, they all got hysterectomies, like, right after they had like two or three kids. Like, my mom had two kids and she had a hysterectomy in the 70s and some of them had them in the 60s, so they were like experiencing menopause. So accelerated. They don't have. I don't have a frame of reference. Like, my family history with menopause is really, like, totally limited.
- [25:28]
A
Why were they getting hysterectomies that. Was that something that was happening in the 70s or just.
- [25:32]
B
I don't know what it is. It was just like a weird trend medically that was just sort of like, encouraged. Seemed like it was under the guise of like, well, you don't need to have any more kids. This is freedom. But then they also didn't go on Hormone replacement therapy. They just kind of had an accelerated menopause, which was so, like, fast. And, like, just take the whole thing out, and then you're just now not dealing with it at all.
- [25:57]
A
Yeah, my mother this weekend, she was listening to my menopause episode with my sister, and she's like, I don't know what the big deal is. Everybody goes through it. Right? Like, it's that perspective that, like, you just suffer through it. Like, what's the big deal? Like, what are you complaining about? And, I mean, I feel like that's very Indian, you know, in our culture. But did you have conversations with her, though, or. No, they just.
- [26:18]
B
No, because we just don't talk about it. Like, the Korean way is. You don't address it at all.
- [26:23]
A
Yeah, Indian way, the same.
- [26:25]
B
I remember my dad and I, this is like, in the 80s, we're watching Oprah, and it was about childhood sexual abuse and women coming forward to talk about it. And he got so mad, he's like, why do these people have to talk about it now? It's over. It's done with. That sort of, like, silence is just to. To him was like, the norm. Like, oh, of course we were all abused. So.
- [26:51]
A
So. Right. That's just what happens.
- [26:52]
B
Yeah. Why. Why is it such a big deal? I mean, sometimes whiteness can bring privilege like that to us. Like, where people are talking about childhood abuse, and that comes from a privilege, and that comes from whiteness, where people are like, hey, I deserve to talk about my pain. And that is, I think, actually a white idea which works.
- [27:10]
A
Do you think the older, though you've gotten with him, have your conversations with him changed? Because I assume back then you were like, you didn't say anything. Right. Like, so now.
- [27:19]
B
Now we just don't talk about it because it's gonna be a fight. Because he'll still fight with me. You know, they're both still. My parents are pretty feisty about keeping the status quo. Even though they're, like, so proud of me and so happy that I've accomplished what I've been able to do and couldn't imagine it ever happening. And tell everybody who their daughter is. They always talk about who their daughter is. They're still, like, rigid about things. Like, they don't want to talk about any of these subjects that I actually do in my comedy, too. I talk a lot about different things like this, and they get really, like, uncomfortable. But, you know, do they sit there.
- [27:56]
A
And listen to you talk about, like, oral sex and all of that, but.
- [28:01]
B
They turn their hearing aids down or they take them off completely and my mom just like leaves her hearing aid at home. She's like, I don't hate. I get. I forgot. Which is fine.
- [28:12]
A
I know it's their way. My parents are exactly the same.
- [28:15]
B
Yeah.
- [28:28]
A
I don't know about you, but I've always struggled with burnout and focus. This is such a common experience for so many of us, but what we don't realize is that sometimes the difficulties you go through might be something deeper. It might be time to explore what it means to be neurodivergent. If that's where you're at, I want to tell you about another podcast you should check out. It's called Hyperfocus with Ray Jacobson. Each episode, Ray speaks with a different expert, whether they're a scientist, doctor or researcher, to dive into some of the big questions and headlines around mental health and well being from an ADHD lens. They talk about things like can you really hack your dopamine? And what parents need to know about the MAHA report. I checked out a few episodes and was so impressed by how they broke down adhd. I thought I knew what ADHD was. But hyperfocus taught me the misconceptions, what to look out for with kids with adhd, and even trace back the history of how women have been underrepresented in ADHD diagnosis. As a parent and midlifer, I feel better equipped to understand what it really means to have ADHD and how to support those around me who are neurodivergent. If you're curious about adhd, make sure to listen to Hyperfocus with Ray Jacobson. Search for Hyperfocus with Ray Jacobson in your podcast app. That's Hyperfocus with Ray Jacobson. There's one thing that all people on Earth have in common. We move through the world in a human body. Bodies ache, they bleed, they desire, they hold the stories of our lives and and when people have power over their bodies, when they can access the care their bodies need, they can begin to write their own stories. International Planned Parenthood Federation, or ippf, is the world's largest network for sexual and reproductive health, rights and justice. They are sharing real stories of people around the world. People like Alina in Malawi who walked miles to the nearest clinic to birth her baby, only to give birth along the way. Every body holds a story and you can read just a few of them now@ippf.org everybody.
- [30:37]
C
Well, hi everybody, it's Julia Louis Dreyfus from the Wiser Than Me podcast and I'm not gonna talk about food waste this time. I'm gonna talk about food resources. All that uneaten food rotting in the landfill, it could be enriching our soil or feeding our chickens because it's still food. And the easiest and frankly way coolest way to put all its nutrients to work is with the Mill food recycler. It looks like an art house garbage can. You can just toss your scraps in it like a garbage can. But it is definitely not a garbage can. I mean, it's true. I'm pretty obsessed with this thing. I even invested in this thing. But I'm not alone. Any mill owner just might corner you at a party and rhapsodize about how it's completely odorless and it's fully automated and how you can keep filling it for weeks. But the clincher is that you can depend on it for years. Mill is a serious machine. Think about a dishwasher, not a toaster. It's built by hand in North America and it's engineered by the guy who did your iPhone. But you have to kind of live with Mill to understand all the love. That's why they offer a risk free trial. Go to mill.com wiser for an exclusive offer.
- [32:06]
A
Sometimes I wish I had a personal sommelier to guide me to find the best wines I normally wouldn't be able to access. I get so overwhelmed at the store trying to pick the right wine when so many feel like a complete wrong fit to my palate. Nothing beats a quality wine. But where do I find them? Don't settle for ordinary wine. We deserve better. That's why I use Somsation. Somsation's expert team seeks out incredible wines from top independent producers. Bottles you won't find in stores and shelves. These aren't mass produced wines. They're handcrafted with care. Using pure ingredients and meticulous winemaking. Their team of sommeliers curates the selection. So you're getting wines that redefine what exceptional tastes like. Whether you want a single bottle, a guided tasting experience, or an entire wine club membership, Somme Station makes it easy to elevate your wine experience. You're not just giving wine, you're giving their next favorite bottle. Plus, they have a massive online wine shop with hundreds of hand selected bottles plus curated wine club options. If you love discovering new favorites, want to go deeper? Somsation offers virtual tastings, private tastings, and even sommelier services to make your experience even more special. Shop their wines@somsation.com mysocalledmidlife I want to quickly talk about your childhood. I'm 49. I also grew up, like, in, like, a white working class neighborhood. Not a lot of brown people highly aware of, like, my name being Reshma, my mother wearing a sari and a bindi on her neck and eating, like, chapatis and curry. Like, it was post Vincent Chin, right? Like, it's like there was, like, I felt I was so aware of my brownness, and if I was honest, I hated it. I wanted to just be white. I just wanted to be like everybody else and just fit in. I feel like we grew up in a similar way.
- [34:11]
B
Oh, totally. Like, the crushing disappointment that I couldn't have blonde ringlets. It was an existential crisis that I'm still fighting. Like, I really. Like, I was so angry to not be white, like, as a child. Like, I just couldn't comprehend it even. Like, it was very. It wasn't even like I had the wherewithal to understand what that internalized racism was. I just was so disappointed by it. And, I mean, I still am.
- [34:45]
A
Yeah. Are you still fighting it?
- [34:47]
B
I'm still fighting it. But also, I know that's just whiteness as a weapon used against myself.
- [34:53]
A
So to me, I think when I was younger, like, Sweet Valley High, like, that was really. Those books were really triggering, right? It was so much of my identity I felt in the way I looked. And I think the older I've gotten, I'm like, I recognize that with sometimes with all the talents and the blessings that we have, it's harder doing those things as, like, a brown girl. Like, it's harder blowing up this podcast as a brown woman. Like, it's just a fact, Right? So it's like, where do you feel like now in your midlife you're fighting that right now?
- [35:29]
B
Well, I mean, I think that it's really. I mean, it comes back to the election again. Kamala should have won, but the fact that she didn't is really a testament to how racist this country is, how sexist this country is. You know, whiteness has now been, again, codified as this is the standard that we want to live up to.
- [35:53]
A
This is.
- [35:54]
B
This is what we want. You know, and of course, that's false, you know, And I have a joke about it in my comedy. Like, these white supremacists just don't look supreme. Cause that family tree needs branches. They're so inbred. It's so inbred. And also, as a woman in Korean culture, I don't matter there either. Like, not Thin. Not particularly. Like K drama. Pretty. I don't matter in Korean culture at all. And I'm not married. I'm gay. There's all these things that, like, make me not matter in Korean culture. So I can't go back to a place that feels like a homeostasis. Like, oh, okay, I belong. So it's a very confusing thing. But also that makes it good to write about. You know, when I'm conscious of that, then I realize, oh, I'm actually lucky to be who I am and where I am.
- [36:43]
A
So your latest standup is live and livid, and you're talking about homophobia, sexism, racism. You're also celebrating 40 years of standup. I mean, that is just after the election. People are like, do we march? Do we not march? And there was really this consensus of, like, no, we create, we build. Yeah. And so I feel like your show is a part of that.
- [37:06]
B
Yeah.
- [37:07]
A
How have people been responding?
- [37:09]
B
It's been great. It's been great. People have been really appreciative. It's been really cathartic, I think, for all of us. And, yeah, it's time to create. And I definitely want to march. I want to bring back protest and bring back these ideas that we have always needed. We've always needed peaceful protests. We've always needed marches. We've always needed to demonstrate that I exist and I have a right to be here. So, you know, I think that'll come. But right now is a great time to create.
- [37:41]
A
Yeah. And have people come, build community and have people also laugh and feel joyful. I do think people are tired.
- [37:49]
B
Yeah. Or disappointed and really discouraged by the way that racism and sexism is so much a part of the American way. Homophobia is so much a part of the American way. And it doesn't have to be.
- [38:05]
A
It doesn't have to be at all. You are a tireless performer. Like, you're always out there and you're, like, fighting, you know, for people and to make our world a better place. Like, do you ever rest? How do you take care of yourself?
- [38:20]
B
Oh, yeah, I rest. I love the new Gen Z bedrotting trend.
- [38:24]
A
Oh, tell me why am I not doing this? Oh, me sitting in bed and doing nothing.
- [38:28]
B
Yeah, doing nothing. Or scrolling or watching TV or. I like to read. I just lay there and read. And I have my three cats and my dog, and they all lay on my body. We just lay there.
- [38:41]
A
Oh, I love it.
- [38:41]
B
And I love it. Like, I really love just not doing anything. So, you know, I have, like, sort of the physical activity that I do in my work and then my friends and all that kind of stuff. But then I just love to lay.
- [38:52]
A
Wait, how often do you bedrot? Because I want to start doing this too.
- [38:55]
B
A couple times a week if I can.
- [38:57]
A
For like, a whole day or for like four or three. Four hours.
- [39:00]
B
Three or four hours. Like, a good time to bedrot is, like, at night. Like, so I'll go. I'll go to bed at like, eight. I love it. I'll lay in bed, like, you know, and just do everything from there. Like, I think it's really healing. So. Yeah, I love an early bedtime.
- [39:15]
A
Oh, I love it. Early bedtime. I go 8:30.
- [39:18]
B
So nice.
- [39:19]
A
You know what I also been doing that makes me feel a little guilty, but good. It's like, I've been watching, like, 20 minutes or 30 minutes of a show. Like, in the middle of the day, I'll just, like, put on Diplomat. I'm like, this is my right. Like, I'm gonna rest and chill.
- [39:33]
B
Yeah, I love it. Like, I'll do, like, a whole day. If I'm not working, I'll do a whole day of a K drama, you know?
- [39:41]
A
Oh, I get you, girl. Bollywood movies are, like, my guilty pleasure. Oh, yeah. I think they remind me of, like, childhood, right? It's like. It's this little sense I could always cry. I don't know what they're talking about, but I think I do. Like, it's. I have to, you know, it's great.
- [39:54]
B
So great.
- [39:55]
A
It's so great. Okay, so how can we better celebrate aging? And, you know, what was one of the first times you realized this was an era to celebrate? And what about the moment made you realize that?
- [40:08]
B
Well, I mean, I think I just got tired of the narrative of people being, like, scared to age or, like, being upset that they've aged or, like, really looking back at their younger selves, like, it was somehow better. And that really was, like, a negative way to look, because we're just. If we're alive, we're just gonna get older, so why not? I just enjoy that. And then I always thought about. I had relationships with older people when I was really young, like, sexual relationships, and how much I loved it. Like, I really loved older people, like, when I was younger. And so I thought of the majesty they sort of embodied. And I was like, well, now I'm that, so why can't I just enjoy that? So I think, you know, and it doesn't necessarily have to be in regards to other people. You can just Enjoy the majesty of aging as you are.
- [41:04]
A
I also think it's like putting yourself in the mix. I went to a nightclub. It was a little embarrassing because, like, in the line was, like, a couple of, like, my girls who code students. They're like, oh, my God. I'm like, this is embarrassing. But when I went in, I'm like, they're playing the same 90s hip hop that I loved, and I had so much fun. And I think the other thing is, oftentimes we're scared of spaces that we think we've aged out of.
- [41:25]
B
Yeah.
- [41:26]
A
And then putting ourselves in those spaces. Are there any other, like, rituals or things that you do to kind of embrace that celebration?
- [41:34]
B
Well, I think it's just enjoying things like skincare. Enjoying things. Like, to almost ritualize it. Like, it's like, I do my skincare not for anti aging. Like, I do it because I just want to celebrate feeling good in my skin. All this stuff that I do, it's like reframing the language around it. I'm doing this to celebrate what is.
- [41:59]
A
Here and be in the moment of my age rather than rewind it. Right. You're 55. You got.
- [42:06]
B
Yeah, I have a couple of weeks. I'll be in 10 days or 11 days. I'll be 56.
- [42:11]
A
What do you want to do in this decade? Like, what's left? Like, what are you looking forward to?
- [42:15]
B
Fight Jake Paul? I want to. I don't know, Like, I would love. I don't know, how about, like, Sports Illustrated cover? That would be great.
- [42:25]
A
Oh, all right. Let's put it on the Universe Margaret.
- [42:27]
B
Show, Sports Illustrated, all that kind of stuff. I'm not sure. I did my first nude scene in a movie was called Korra Bora with the wonderful Meg Stalter. She and I were. It was very. It was very interesting because I've never done a nude scene in a film, and this is, like, the first one, so it was hilarious. And we laughed through the whole thing.
- [42:49]
A
And you had fun or you were embarrassed?
- [42:50]
B
I had the best time. I was really laughing. It was really great. So I loved it. So I think that kind of stuff, like showing my body off, like, whatever that is, whatever that means, just enjoying that. I have a music album coming out in February called Lucky Gift, which is music that I composed. And so it's the first time that I've actually composed and played music on. I've made music records. This is my third one. But I'm excited about that. So, you know, I would love a pop career.
- [43:21]
A
We'll See, there's so many. Oh my God. You could be like the next K pop star.
- [43:25]
B
Yeah, that'd be great.
- [43:26]
A
It's amazing. Well, this was such a wonderful treat. Thank you for such an awesome conversation. Thank you and hope everyone sees your show. This was awesome.
- [43:34]
B
Thank you.
- [43:48]
A
Margaret Cho is an actress, a singer and a comedian and you can check out her most recent Stand Up. Right now she's on tour. It's called Live and Livid. She's also just released a new single, Lucky Gift. Her music is so dope. Remember, this can be your queen, king, daddy era, whatever you want it to be. You are not too old. See you all next week. There's more of my so Called Midlife with Lemonada. Premium subscribers get exclusive access to bonus content like Midlife Advice that didn't make it into the show. Subscribe now. In Apple Podcasts, I'm your host Rashmi Sajani. Our producer is Claire Jones. This series is sound designed by Ivan Koraev. Our theme was composed by Ivan Kuraev and performed by Ryan Jewell, Ivan Kuraev and Karen Waltok. Our senior supervising producer is Kristen Lepore. Our VP of new content is Rachel Neal. Executive producers include me, Reshma Sajani, Stephanie Whittles Wax and Jessica Cordova Kramer. Series consulting and production support from Katie Cordova. Help others find our show by leaving us a rating and writing a review. And let us know how you're doing in midlife. You can submit your story to be included in this show@speakpipe.com midlife follow my so Called Midlife wherever you get your podcast or listen ad free on Amazon Music with your prime membership. Thanks for listening. See you next week. Bye. Every caregiving journey is unique. But the isolation, guilt and exhaustion we all feel, that's universal. It's reality. It's life. You know, I wish it could all be happy and joyous, but sometimes it's full of rage. And that is what it is. That's why this show exists, to be a safe place for caregivers to land. Listen to Squeezed Wherever you get your podcasts.