Podcast Summary: "Sex After 40: An Expert Guide with Emily Nagoski"

Podcast: My So-Called Midlife with Reshma Saujani
Host: Reshma Saujani (Lemonada Media)
Guest: Emily Nagoski, sex educator and author
Date: September 17, 2025

Episode Overview

This episode dives into one of midlife’s most complex and often taboo topics: sex after 40. Host Reshma Saujani brings in renowned sex educator and researcher Emily Nagoski (author of Come As You Are and Come Together) to debunk myths, share science-based wisdom, and offer practical, compassionate advice for navigating intimacy in midlife. Together, they challenge societal expectations, redefine “normal” and “perfect” sex, talk friendship and partnership, and offer real strategies for keeping pleasure central as life gets busier—and bodies and relationships change.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Myths of Sex in Midlife (09:17)

• Reshma opens with frustration about cultural stereotypes: women in midlife are supposedly either asexual or hypersexual—both extremes create pressure and shame.
• Emily emphasizes how women are judged "no matter what we do... we are always doing it wrong" (09:49), calling out the double standards society imposes around sexuality.

2. What Is “Normal” and “Perfect” Sex? (11:05)

• Emily's definition of normal sex:
  "Normal sex is any and all sexual contact among consenting peers where everyone involved is glad to be there, free to leave, with no unwanted consequences. And that includes no 'Aw, come on, but you said you would,' and also, there's no unwanted pain." (11:19)
• Debunking frequency myths: It’s not about how often, but about mutual pleasure and consent.
• Moving from normal to perfect:
  Perfect sex involves everyone turning toward whatever is happening with “confidence and joy, a sense of play and compassion” (12:22), even when things go "off script."

3. Stress, Exhaustion, and Loss of Desire (13:44)

• Emily shares a personal experience of losing her own sex drive while writing a book on sexuality, realizing stress and exhaustion shut down desire.
• She highlights the impact of emotional context: “Our brain’s ability to interpret any sensation as pleasurable depends on the emotional context in which we experience it.” (16:07)

4. How to Prioritize Sex—Even When You’re Tired (23:05)

• Emily’s three characteristics of couples with lasting sexual connection:
  • 1. Friendship: Admiration and trust trump raw lust (23:12)
  • 2. Prioritization: "They decide that it matters... You have to protect not just the sex itself, but that transition space from your frenetic, everyday exhausted state of mind to hey, sexy lady state of mind." (23:31)
  • 3. Authenticity: “They recognize they’ve been following other people’s rules...and they decide to stop doing that and really deeply explore what’s true for them." (24:25)

5. Starting the Conversation in Long-Term Relationships (25:02)

• Emily recommends starting with self-exploration—sometimes through solo pleasure or simply tuning into what feels good.
• The real question: “What is it that’s stopping you from having the same kind of conversation about sex that you’d be having about every other thing that you collaborate on as a partnership?” (26:34)
• Reshma touches on shame: discussing a lagging sex life seems to acknowledge something is broken—people avoid it for fear of having “another thing to fix.” (26:44)

6. All About Scheduling (27:30)

• Emily challenges the obsession with desire rather than pleasure:
  “Every time you say desire, say pleasure instead... Everyone is really worried. I call it the pleasure, the desire imperative…”
• She describes how deeply-held myths tie sex to spontaneous desire—when in reality, pleasure, intention, and scheduling are often necessary and healthy.

7. “Are We Broken If We Don’t Want Sex?” (30:23)

• Emily: "No, it means your sexual connection has changed and as a partnership, you have not adapted to that change." (30:23)
• Introduces the analogy of your “sexual garden”—sometimes neglected, sometimes overrun with weeds from old shame or cultural baggage. Intentional tending, maintenance, and compassion can help relationships flourish again (32:00+).

8. Navigating Shame, Affair Temptation & Resetting Connection (41:19)

• Emily on why some have affairs or seek sex outside:
  A lot of desire is “motivated by the we shouldn’t.” (42:03)
• “If you put pleasure at the center...you'll recognize you can collaborate with your partner to create pleasure that matters so much more than just the hot and heavy.” (42:03)
• Affair insight: When you remove the “forbidden,” desire may fade for the new partner. (43:58)
• She stresses the value of speaking with a sex therapist for tough conversations—“it only takes two or three sessions...You'll learn from someone who's an example.” (45:04)

9. Menopause: Body Changes, Not Libido Loss (46:25)

• Emily: “There's nothing hormonal—researchers have been looking—is there a hormonal correlate that goes with change in desire around perimenopause and menopause? And they cannot find anything.” (46:39)
• Changes in sleep, body image, and life circumstances affect desire more than hormones. “It is more about the changes...and how it influences our responsiveness.” (47:00)
• Body image struggles often hit the brakes on pleasure more than physical changes themselves.
• She explains how hormone therapy (estradiol) helped with vaginal discomfort—not desire per se, but enabling more comfortable pleasurable experiences. (49:58)
• "If you're experiencing pain in particular, there are medical interventions that can help with the tissue issue." (50:10)

10. Kindness, Compassion, Play—and Media Diets! (50:17)

• Emily highlights the importance of “kindness, compassion, and play” in reconnecting with pleasure and sexual well-being.
• Her baby step for listeners:
  “Listen to a bunch of sex positive podcasts, like expose yourself to media that over and over grants you permission to experience pleasure, joy, rest, play…until you believe that it truly is acceptable.” (50:38)
• Recommended Resources:
  • Come As You Are and Come Together (Emily’s books)
  • Podcasts: “Speaking of Sex by the Pleasure Mechanics,” “Sounds Fake But Okay,” “Disability After Dark” (52:21)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On what’s “normal” in sex:
  "Normal sex is any and all sexual contact among consenting peers where everyone involved is glad to be there, free to leave, with no unwanted consequences." — Emily Nagoski (11:19)
• On de-centering desire:
  “Every time you say desire, say pleasure instead.” — Emily (27:36)
• On societal judgment:
  “No matter what we do, we are always doing it wrong.” — Emily (09:49)
• On partnership and friendship:
  “It matters more that you really like your partner than that you be horny for them.” — Emily (23:12)
• On body image in perimenopause:
  “If your partner touches your belly and you're like, oh, I fucking hate my belly, it's gonna hit the brakes...it's not a problem caused by perimenopause, that's a problem caused by the patriarchy.” — Emily (48:00)
• On improvement:
  “Kindness and compassion, and play.” — Emily (50:27)

Key Timestamps

• Middle aged moments / stress & immunity: 06:34–09:17
• Stereotypes and societal pressure: 09:17–10:20
• Defining “normal” and “perfect” sex: 11:05–13:26
• Stress and sexual response: 13:41–16:07
• How to prioritize sex: 23:05–25:02
• Having the difficult conversation: 25:02–27:11
• On scheduling sex & desire vs pleasure: 27:30–29:52
• Sexual “garden” analogy: 30:35–33:13
• Getting back on track in midlife: 34:07–35:22
• Affairs, shame, and resetting intimacy: 41:19–46:21
• Menopause myths: 46:25–50:10
• Kindness, compassion, play—a new media diet: 50:27–52:21

Takeaways for Listeners

• Sexual "normalcy" is about consent, pleasure, and mutual willingness—not frequency or technique.
• Stress, exhaustion, and societal myths are the real buzzkills; compassion toward self and partner is the way forward.
• Prioritizing sex in midlife often requires intentionality, self-exploration, and sometimes scheduled time.
• Menopause or aging do not doom libido; changes are more nuanced and addressable.
• Begin by exposing yourself to positive, pleasure-affirming media—and don’t be afraid to seek professional support for hard conversations.

Recommended Next Steps:

• Reflect on what you want out of your sexual and relational life, not what you “should” want.
• Talk kindly and openly with your partner about pleasure—don’t be afraid to make sexuality a priority in your self-care.
• Check out Emily Nagoski’s books and recommended podcasts for ongoing education and encouragement.