National Park After Dark – Episode 319 Happy Birthday National Park Service, Not Everyone Loves You!
August 25, 2025 | Hosts: Danielle & Cassie

Episode Overview

To mark the 109th birthday of the National Park Service (NPS), Danielle and Cassie take a lighthearted, irreverent approach: they dive deep into some of the most scathing (and often hilarious) one-star reviews left for cherished national parks. Drawing inspiration from the "Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet" podcast and Amber Sher’s "Subpar Parks," the hosts read through wild, entitled, and sometimes delusional critiques sourced mostly from Yelp, adding their own commentary, background, and defense of the NPS. The episode also sparks a larger conversation about the impossible balancing act of pleasing every visitor and protecting wild places.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Premise: Roasting National Parks Through Reviews

• The episode’s playful intent is to poke fun at unreasonable and bizarre complaints about national parks, not to seriously criticize the NPS.
• Danielle: “I love light bullying. It's a love language." (01:01)
• The hosts clarify that the reviews are mostly vintage to avoid newer, intentionally “rage bait” posts that surfaced as roast reviews went viral online.

2. Hilarious, Hot-Take Reviews by Park

Yosemite National Park

• Review highlights: Complaints about attractions being too far apart (wishing ancient trees could just be moved), lack of wi-fi, dusty trails, and the desire for more asphalt. (04:12)
• Danielle decodes the review: The "Gristle Tree" is likely the "Grizzly Giant," and "Stephen Colbert's Peak" is probably Cathedral Peak. (06:02)
• Underlying real debates about wifi in remote parks, trail maintenance, and speed limits.

Yellowstone National Park

• Sacrilege Alert: Reviewer finds Yellowstone "dull," claims there’s nothing to see after one geyser, and gripes about traffic and “scraggly burnt” forests. (10:22, 11:34)
• Cassie: “It's like, you mean the very first national park that sparked a global conservation movement… but it sucked.” (13:57)
• Conversation about the importance of setting realistic expectations and unique value of such parks.

Gateway Arch National Park

• Reviewed as an “experience," but “the real mistake was this huge, God forsaken arch being built in the first place… This is not a shape that should exist on earth.” (15:31)
• Danielle laughs at how the reviewer is irrationally angry at arches in general, not just the monument.
• Discussion of controversial park history – urban renewal, displacement.

Mount St. Helens National Monument

• Complaint: “Too cloudy. And the boat was a raft instead of a pontoon.” Also, should have visited before the 1980 eruption. (20:00)
• Leads to an engaging discussion about appreciating transformation and renewal post-disaster rather than longing for the impossible “before.”

Glacier National Park

• Reviewer complains about too many rangers, “geriatric community” enforcing rules, and too many regulations; ends with a wish for national parks to be privatized. (25:37)
• Danielle notes a modern theme: visitors now complain about too little staff.
• Cassie: “You’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t…” (29:36)

Gettysburg National Battlefield

• Review: “Boring. First off, it was nothing like the movie. All I saw were a bunch of fields and rocks.” (31:41)
• Hosts clarify basic Civil War context (for the reviewer and the world) and note the overwhelming number of monuments—over 1300 (32:05).

Lassen Volcanic National Park

• Complaint about park road closures in late spring; reviewer disregards closures and "walks miles" past ranger blockades, insists it was unnecessary. (36:00)
• Cassie drops facts: the area can get 40 feet of snow and is deadly avalanche terrain. (47:47)

Crater Lake National Park

• “Ten minutes, you’re done,” says reviewer, unimpressed despite the world’s deepest, bluest lake. (50:49)
• Hosts identify PNW “natural wonder fatigue.”

Hawaii Volcanoes National Park

• Compared to “an empty Walmart parking lot.” (53:00)
• Cassie sarcastically: “It has the largest shield volcano on the planet… Should we not go?”

Mount Rushmore National Memorial

• Users gripe about parking, crowds, overrated monument, and the “fantastic waste of time and money.” (54:22)
• Danielle and Cassie point out the problematic history, lack of honest interpretation, and contrast with the culturally enriching Crazy Horse Memorial. (56:14)

Badlands National Park

• Described as “washed out hills of 50,000-year-old mud… brown” and unworthy of National Park status. (59:00)
• Cassie and Danielle recall their own unexpectedly beautiful Badlands sunset and comment on low expectations leading to positive experiences.

Wind Cave National Park

• Reviewer with an ongoing quest to visit every park gives lengthy, scathing comparison to other caves—though hosts discover he actually pans cave tours everywhere, so his sour perspective is suspect. (61:57, 65:32)

Great Sand Dunes National Park

• If you want your dog and your children blasted with sand, “this is the place for you.” (70:12)
• Hosts agree: The sand does get everywhere, but laughter at the hyperbolic misery.

Arches National Park

• Reviewer wanted more arches: “Honestly, I thought there would be more arches…call it a few arches scattered over thousands of acres National Park.” (71:01)
• Another griper threatens violence against selfie-takers at Delicate Arch: “Any physical altercation between these people…could easily lead to serious injury or death…” (73:08)

Grand Teton National Park

• Reviewer complains about speed trap, “greedy” rangers ticketing for going almost twice the speed limit. (74:32)
• Hosts: Don’t speed. Simple.

Virgin Islands National Park

• Upset about parking, food options (a recurring theme), “not much to do,” and “snorkeling not great.” Fact-checked: snorkeling is, in fact, spectacular. (76:47)

Sequoia National Park

• Reviewer finds General Sherman overrated and feels the “whole idea is overhyped” due to social media. (78:35)
• Hosts discuss the challenge of managing expectations shaped by viral imagery and the trade-off of accessibility, crowding, and authenticity. (80:30)

3. Deeper Patterns & Memorable Themes

• Impossible Expectations: Visitors bring wildly skewed expectations—from demanding 65 mph speed limits in Yosemite (07:50), to desiring paved trails through remote wilderness, world-class cuisine, zero crowds, and internet everywhere.
• Too Many Rules/Too Much Freedom: Complaints toggle between oppressive ranger overreach (“power trip”) and “not enough staff,” revealing no-win scenarios for NPS. (25:37, 29:32)
• Nature Fatigue: Seasoned PNW and mountain west locals occasionally seem incapable of awe, bemoaning famous vistas as “just another hole/lake/hill/tree.”
• Contradiction: Tourists complain about “too many” other tourists, food “not good,” or accessibility enhancements being “too much like Disneyland”—while simultaneously demanding more amenities and easier access.
• Reactions to Social Media: Now, experiences often seem disappointing because they can't live up to Instagrammed hype.

4. Notable Quotes & Funniest Moments

• Danielle (on “rage-bait” reviews): “It’s so over the top, you know it’s fake…” (03:33)
• On Yellowstone:
  Cassie: “The geological wonder that is Yellowstone… sparked a global conservation movement… but it sucked!” (13:57)
• On Gateway Arch:
  Danielle: “Does anyone else have a gripe with the shape of an arch? If there’s one thing I can’t stand in this world, it’s an arch.” (19:50)
• On Mount St. Helens:
  A: “Should have visited before 1980, when the whole thing was still there.” (20:35)
• On Glacier:
  Reviewer: “The large geriatric community helped the rangers viciously enforce [rules].” (26:20)
• On Arches:
  Reviewer: “…call it ‘Formations National Park’ or ‘A few arches scattered over thousands of acres National Park’…” (71:09)
• On Teton ticket:
  Cassie: “Just imagine like putting your pedal to the metal. Like we went from 0 to 47.” (75:44)
• On the NPS’s struggle:
  Danielle: “You’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t… no one is ever going to be completely happy... it’s reflective of the times…” (29:36)

Timestamps for Important Segments

• Intro & Theme – 00:00 – 02:42
  Why lightheartedly roast the parks?
• Yosemite’s Outlandish Review – 04:11 – 08:42
  Wi-Fi, speed limits, and moving ancient trees.
• Yellowstone Reviews – 10:22 – 14:37
  “Dull” and “not worth it.”
• Gateway Arch Roast – 15:31 – 19:50
  “Not a shape that should exist.”
• Mount St. Helens – 20:00 – 23:18
  “Should have visited before the eruption.”
• Glacier & Changing Complaints – 25:37 – 30:33
  Too many rangers, now too few.
• Gettysburg & Historical Confusion – 31:41 – 35:44
  “Boring, nothing like the movie.”
• Lassen Volcanic & Road Closures – 36:00 – 38:29
  Avalanche terrain and entitled rule-breaking.
• Crater Lake & Overexposure – 50:48 – 52:20
  “Ten minutes is enough.”
• Rushmore vs. Crazy Horse – 54:22 – 58:10
  Monumental letdown vs. inspired indigenous art.
• Badlands & Mud Hatred – 59:00 – 60:31
  “Just brown mud.”
• Cave Parks & the Relentless Reviewer – 61:57 – 66:23
  Pattern of negativity exposed.
• Great Sand Dunes & Sand Trauma – 70:12 – 70:52
  “Bring your dog so they get sandblasted.”
• Arches & Selfie Rage – 71:01 – 74:24
  Too few arches and threats of violence.
• Grand Teton & Ranger “Greed” – 74:32 – 75:55
  Speeding, tickets, and not owning up.
• Sequoia & The Meaning of Wonder – 78:35 – 83:22
  Does the internet ruin awe?
• Closing Thoughts & Tribute to NPS – 83:22 – 86:28
  Acknowledging the hard realities of running parks.

The Big Picture: The Unwinnable Balancing Act

• The hosts observe how the reviews—often more revealing of the reviewer than the place—show how difficult the NPS’s task is:
  to simultaneously protect wild places, provide access, cater to diverse expectations, and educate and inspire, despite funding issues and shifting public demands.
• Many “bad” reviews stem from missed expectations, poor planning, or deep misunderstandings of what parks are for (or frustration from social media hype not matching reality).
• Danielle: “Just a reminder to keep [the NPS’s challenges] in mind and appreciate them… for what they’re doing…” (83:22)

Tribute to the National Park Service

• Danielle and Cassie close the episode with gratitude for the NPS:
  • Over 85 million acres and 433 units protected.
  • U.S. origin of a global conservation movement—now 14.7% of Earth’s land protected.
• (84:47) – “This foundational idea has spread throughout the globe… so much space… safeguarded, at least for the moment.”
• (86:26) – “We appreciate you and give you five out of five stars.”

Episode Tone & Takeaways

• The tone is affectionate, witty, irreverent, but ultimately reverent toward the NPS and public lands.
• For anyone new to this podcast or unfamiliar with national parks, it’s a crash course in both the real issues facing the parks and how visitors’ unrealistic or misplaced expectations shape much of their unhappiness.

In a Nutshell:
This episode uses viral, bizarre, and entitled reviews as a mirror for public misunderstanding—and as a springboard for the hosts to showcase deep appreciation and defend the wonder, complexity, and hard work behind the National Park Service’s mission.

Best wishes to the National Park Service: Happy 109th Birthday!
“Enjoy the view, but watch your back.”