Podcast Summary: Navigating Adult ADHD

Episode #102: ADHDers, We Need to Talk About the S-Word
Host: Xena Jones
Date: February 24, 2025

Episode Overview

In this episode, Xena Jones tackles the “S-word” – should – and its profound negative impact on adults with ADHD. Drawing from scientific research and personal experience, she unpacks why “should” is such a toxic word for ADHDers, how it underpins shame and stifles action, and practical ways to shift into a healthier, more self-compassionate mindset.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Weight of “Should” for ADHD Brains

• Many ADHDers, especially those diagnosed later in life, are plagued by a constant mental list of things they “should” be, do, or know ([00:13]).
• Xena likens this to “carrying around a never ending to do list that you never actually agreed to, but somehow you're still failing at it and behind.”
• “Should” is identified as one of the biggest sources of shame for ADHDers.

2. Origins and Internalization of “Should”

• “Should” is a judgment word masquerading as advice, but actually implies, “you're wrong, you're bad, you're failing” ([01:34]).
• Xena references research: By age 10, a child with ADHD has heard 20,000 more negative messages than peers – a number that only climbs with age ([02:25]).
• Over time, these messages become the inner dialogue, reinforcing cycles of shame as real-life “failures” seem to prove these thoughts true.

3. How “Should” Breeds Shame and Inaction

• Xena discusses the emotional scale she uses in coaching, illustrating that shame from “should” is often rated at “negative 10,” one of the worst human emotions ([03:14]).

• When ADHDers set “should” expectations and don’t meet them, it feels like, “pouring gasoline on a shame fire” ([04:11]).

• Paradoxically, “should” makes taking action less likely – classic ADHD oppositional thinking means that if something feels like an obligation, the brain rebels ([05:02]).

  “Should does not give us agency, right? It doesn't give us choice. It just shits all over us, right? It feels like a demand. And what do we know about ADHD brains? Our ADHD brains hate demands.”
  — Xena ([06:05])

4. Personal Story: The ADHD Shame Spiral

• Xena shares a personal experience of spiraling into shame after filming for a documentary ([07:02]):
  • Her thoughts: “I should have answered the questions better. I should have been better prepared.”
  • The result: Paralysis, rumination, hiding – “I just kept replaying it over and over and over on this nasty loop in my head” ([08:19]).
  • Her key point: The “should” narrative wasn’t true – she did her best and showed up.

5. Moving from “Should” to Agency and Curiosity

• The alternative to “shoulding” is asking more helpful questions:

  • “Do I actually want to do this?”
  • “Do I need support?”
  • “Do I even know how?”

• Xena emphasizes: Saying “I want to be more productive” is very different from “I should be more productive” – the former restores your agency ([11:21], [11:36]).

• She coaches clients to ask, “How is that should not true?” and to gather evidence for the contrary ([12:03]).

  “When we start to challenge them, this shifts us from that judgment place into a place of, like, curiosity or compassion.”
  — Xena ([13:05])

6. Rethinking Self-Talk and Language

• The words we use matter: “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can dysregulate the fuck out of our nervous system.” ([14:36])

• Thought patterns dictate feelings, which drive actions. If you want to change behavior (like procrastination), you must examine and shift your self-talk.

  “Here is the best news. Your ADHD brain is capable of change… every single time you catch yourself saying I should, you're winning.”
  — Xena ([15:10])

7. Practical Challenge and Takeaways

• Challenge: Notice every time you think or say “should.” When you catch a “should,” play with shifting it—get curious, try saying “I could” or “Do I want to?”

• Reminder: Many of our “shoulds” are inherited expectations and don’t reflect our own wants or needs.

  “You might be surprised at how much easier things feel when you stop carrying around this list of expectations that were never yours to begin with.”
  — Xena ([16:49])

Memorable Quotes & Moments

• On the toxicity of “should”:

  “Every time we should on ourselves, we are effectively shitting on ourselves.” ([00:56])

• On shame for ADHDers:

  “When we go and add our own shoulds on top of that, it's kind of like pouring gasoline on a shame fire, right? It's shitty all around.” ([04:11])

• On oppositional ADHD thinking:

  “If I even suspect that something is an obligation instead of a choice, like my brain's out.” ([05:28])

• On the difference agency makes:

  “When we say I want to be more productive, we get our agency back, we get our power back.” ([11:36])

• Mic drop line on language:

  “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can dysregulate the fuck out of our nervous system.” ([14:36])

Timestamps for Important Segments

• 00:13 — Introduction to the “S-Word” and its impact
• 01:34 — How “should” acts as judgment and source of shame
• 02:25 — Research: negative messages and internalization
• 03:14 — Shame on the emotional scale, impact on ADHDers
• 05:02 — “Should” triggers oppositional ADHD thinking
• 07:02 — Personal example: shame spiral after documentary filming
• 11:21 — Shifting from “should” to “want to”
• 12:03 — Coaching question: “How is that should not true?”
• 13:05 — Curiosity vs. judgment in self-talk
• 14:36 — Words and self-talk: their impact on the ADHD brain
• 15:10 — Neuroplasticity: ADHD brains can change thinking habits
• 16:49 — Letting go of inherited expectations

Final Message & Tone

Xena’s approach is honest, direct, and compassionately irreverent. She reassures listeners:

“You are not behind. You are not broken. You are not failing. You are simply learning how to work with your ADHD brain instead of against it.” ([17:02])

Listeners are challenged to become aware of their “shoulds,” to question them, and to replace them with agency, curiosity, and self-compassion—a key step toward less shame and more thriving as an adult with ADHD.

Connect & Resources:

• Navigating Adult ADHD Membership
• Instagram: @navigatingadultadhd

Next Steps:
Happy should-catching this week!