Navigating Adult ADHD with Xena Jones

Episode #106: Permission to Rest (the ADHD Way)

Date: March 24, 2025
Host: Xena Jones

Episode Overview

In this episode, Xena Jones dives deep into the challenges adults with ADHD face when it comes to rest. She explores why rest doesn’t always come naturally to ADHD brains, the social and internal pressures that make slowing down difficult, and offers practical, ADHD-friendly ways to prioritize rest without guilt. The tone is candid, compassionate, and empowering—a mix of personal stories, science-backed insights, and “no-BS” coaching wisdom.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Struggle to Rest & “Active Relaxers”

• Xena opens by sharing her own difficulty with switching off—a phenomenon familiar to many with ADHD.

• She normalizes the feeling of negative emotion about doing things we don’t want to do (like working when unmotivated or chores like "bug bombing the house").

• Quote:

  “Your body might be sitting down...but your brain’s in another world, completely running circles around your to-do list...Sound familiar? Yeah, me too.” (00:16)

• She stresses that pushing through negative feelings is a normal part of life:

  “We do things every day that we don’t want to do, things that have a lot of negative emotion. And that’s not bad, right? It’s uncomfortable as fuck. But what if it’s the right way to go, right? What if it’s a sign that you’re growing, you’re moving forward, you are adulting successfully, right?” (03:38)

2. Hustle Culture & Self-Worth Tied to Productivity

• Xena unpacks how society (and especially people with ADHD) equate productivity with self-worth.

• She sheds light on the internal pressure to “do more” and how this leads to perpetual busyness and guilt when resting.

• Personal Reflection:

  “I would decide whether or not I was a good person...based on how much I got done that day.” (07:57)

• She references Brene Brown’s concept of “hustling for our worthiness,” noting:

  “Us ADHDers, my friend, we are Olympic level hustlers...always trying to prove that we are enough, we’re good enough, we’re valuable enough by doing more.” (09:52)

3. Lockdown as Unexpected Permission to Rest

• Xena describes how she thrived during the COVID lockdown because societal expectations paused, giving her rare permission to fully rest without guilt.

• Quote:

  “For the first time ever, the whole world was kind of at a standstill...there was just no expectations. No one was out there just crushing it.” (05:24)

• She challenges listeners to consider giving themselves this permission regularly—without needing a global crisis.

4. Fear of Resting & Facing Our Thoughts

• Some people avoid rest because silence means being alone with uncomfortable thoughts.

• Xena candidly shares her past habits of numbing (with Netflix and wine) to avoid her own mind:

  “For a number of years, I could not be alone with my own thoughts...I would have that Netflix playing...even when I was in the toilet, when I was in the shower, I would fall asleep watching it so that I was never alone with my own thoughts.” (12:51)

• She uses a memorable analogy:

  “Not resting is like never cleaning out your fridge because you’re afraid of what you will find.” (14:43)

5. Rest Isn’t Just About Productivity

• While rest does improve productivity, Xena argues the real value is about life enjoyment, emotional regulation, and making life easier overall.

• Quote:

  “One of the most important things that rest allows me to do is it allows me to enjoy my life more.” (15:52)

• She insists rest doesn’t need to be “earned”—a belief she calls “complete bullshit”—and can be done simply because we want or need it.

6. Redefining Rest for the ADHD Brain

• The best kind of rest for adults with ADHD is often active rest—like hiking, swimming, or exploring—especially when engaging the senses and stepping away from screens.

• Tip: Try reframing “rest” as “joy” if the former feels loaded or negative.

  “If you struggle with the word rest, I invite you to choose a different word...What if you called it joy instead, right? What if you made joy a priority in your life?” (19:21)

• Xena suggests keeping a “joy list”—an accessible reminder of activities that restore and recharge you.

7. Scheduling Rest & Giving Yourself Permission

• Plan rest intentionally by reserving time in your calendar (she blocks all Sunday as a “rest day” in green).

• She encourages starting small (even an hour a week) and gradually building.

• Practical Tip:
  “Planning for it is really huge because otherwise, like, we just get caught up in the doing.” (22:22)

• Xena reminds listeners: ADHD brains are wired for action but need rest to “refill our tank” and reconnect with ourselves.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Permission and Worth:

  “You don’t have to hustle for your worth. You’re already enough, I promise. And if you need permission to rest, this is it.” (25:23)

• Challenging Norms:

  “Rest does not have to look like neurotypical rest, okay? What is restful for you? What charges you up? Those are the things that we want to have happening a little bit more.” (24:04)

• On Redefining Rest:

  “Rest is so much more than just lying around doing nothing...It’s about giving your brain what it actually craves. It craves novelty, movement, connection with nature, play.” (18:23)

Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:03 – Introduction, “active relaxers,” and normalizing negative emotions about work and chores.
• 03:38 – Doing things we don’t want to do: a sign of growth and “adulting successfully.”
• 05:24 – The COVID lockdown and the psychological relief of universal permission to rest.
• 07:57 – Tying self-worth to productivity; personal & societal pressures on ADHDers.
• 12:51 – Fear of rest: using distraction to avoid uncomfortable thoughts.
• 14:43 – “Not resting is like never cleaning your fridge...” analogy.
• 15:52 – The real benefit of rest: enjoying life, emotional regulation, not just increased productivity.
• 19:21 – Reframing rest as “joy”; the value of active rest and compiling a “joy list.”
• 22:22 – Planning and prioritizing rest; practical tips and the importance of reminders.
• 24:04 – Rest doesn't have to be “neurotypical”; permission to define it for yourself.
• 25:23 – Closing: permission to rest, you are enough.

Conclusion

Xena closes by affirming listeners’ inherent worth regardless of their to-do lists and offering full permission for rest, ADHD style—active, joyful, intentional, and guilt-free.
“If you need permission to rest, this is it...it’s going to make navigating your ADHD and thriving with ADHD way fucking easier.” (25:23)