Podcast Summary: Navigating Adult ADHD

Episode #134: How Do I Stop Myself From Reacting to Emotions

Host: Xena Jones
Date: October 6, 2025

Overview

In this episode, Xena Jones addresses a central and frequently asked question among adults with ADHD: “How do I stop myself from reacting to my emotions?” She explores why emotional reactions can feel overwhelming and hard to control, especially for ADHDers, and reframes the goal from seeking perfect control to fostering self-understanding, curiosity, and compassion. Xena uses humor, personal stories, and science-backed coaching insights to dismantle shame and offer practical strategies for listeners to better navigate their feelings and reactions.

Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. You’re Not Alone: The Universality of Emotional Reactions

• Everyone reacts to their emotions; this is a universal human experience, not a personal failing.
• ADHDers, due to differences in executive functioning (particularly inhibition), often react more quickly or intensely.

Quote:

“All humans react to their emotions. Every single one.”
(Xena, 02:56)

Timestamps

• [04:54] — Realistic expectations: Is it possible to never react to emotions?

2. The ADHD Layer: Inhibition and Executive Dysfunction

• ADHD affects the “pause button” (inhibition) in the brain, making it harder to stop, think, and choose a response.
• This means emotional reactions (like blurting out, yelling, or impulsive spending) are more likely, but not a reflection of moral character.

Quote:

“That inhibition, that pause button in the brain, that doesn’t always work so well for us.”
(Xena, 06:41)

3. Ditching All-or-Nothing Thinking and Perfectionism

• The belief that one should never react emotionally sets up shame and disappointment.
• Life involves losing your temper, being impulsive, and “losing it” sometimes—that doesn’t make someone a failure.

Quote:

“That is all or nothing thinking, which sets us up for a lot of failure and a lot of shame. We are human.”
(Xena, 08:05)

Timestamps

• [07:47] — Perfectionism and black-and-white thinking
• [09:40] — The impracticality of expecting zero emotional reactions

4. The Layer Cake of Judgment (and Shame)

• Emotional reactions are like the bottom layer of a cake (e.g., yelling or impulsive spending).
• The suffering comes from the top layer: judgment. This is where you tell yourself you’re “bad” for reacting.
• Removing the “shame layer” is essential to real change.

Quote:

“The real suffering comes from that added layer on the cake, not from the behavior itself ... I call that the shame layer.”
(Xena, 11:39)

Timestamps

• [11:08] — Introducing the "layer cake" analogy
• [12:31] — Taking morality out of emotional reactions

5. Morality Has No Place Here: You Are Not a Bad Person

• Xena emphasizes repeatedly that reactions do not define one’s goodness or badness.
• GPS analogy: When you make a mistake, your GPS recalculates without judgment; your brain and emotions should be met the same way.

Quote:

“A hole in the wall, right? An impulse purchase doesn’t make you a good or a bad person. Hello.”
(Xena, 13:33)

6. Emotions as Data (Not Moral Failures)

• Emotions are messages or “data” — like a smoke alarm; they signal something, but are not a crisis themselves.
• The critical question becomes, “What is this emotion trying to tell me?” instead of “How do I stop feeling this?”

Quote:

“Emotions are just data … a smoke alarm going off. The emotion is not the fire, it’s the signal.”
(Xena, 15:27)

Timestamps

• [15:15] — Smoke alarm analogy for emotions
• [19:45] — The true pain comes from judgment, not the behavior itself

7. Curiosity and Compassion: The Real Work

Xena offers two actionable tools listeners are already familiar with in other life areas:

A. Curiosity

• Replace judgment with curiosity: ask yourself why you felt or reacted a certain way, as if you’re studying yourself like a scientist.
• Curiosity can’t coexist with judgment—leaning into questions helps bring understanding and diffuses shame.

Quote:

“There is no judgment in curiosity. It is just asking lots of questions, seeking to learn and gather data.”
(Xena, 24:55)

Example (Chicken Nuggets Incident):

• [21:42] — Xena describes feeling annoyed with her partner and traces it back to factors like fairness sensitivity, ADHD meds wearing off, physical fatigue, and hormonal changes.

Quote:

“I decided after being annoyed for a little while, I decided, you know what, I’m just gonna go upstairs and just explore this a little bit, okay? And I leaned into that curiosity: why do I feel so annoyed about this?”
(Xena, 22:12)

B. Self-Compassion

• Compassion is the “antidote to shame.”
• Three elements:
  1. Self-Kindness: Speak to yourself with the kindness you’d offer a loved one.
  2. Common Humanity: Recognize that mistakes and imperfections are part of being human. (“How human of you.”)
  3. Mindfulness: Acknowledge feelings without identifying as them (e.g., “I am feeling bad” vs. “I am a bad person”).

Quote:

“Self-compassion is the antidote to shame, okay? ... You yelled, you slammed a door, punched a wall… How human of you.”
(Xena, 28:26)

Timestamps

• [27:53] — Self-compassion elements explained
• [29:19] — Imperfection is a universal experience

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “My sewing skills do not exist… But I’m pretty impressed with my creativity and my DIY skills today. So there we go.”
  (Xena’s opening, setting a relatable and humorous tone, 00:24)

• “You’re not a bad person for yelling at the kids. Neither are you, right? You’re not a bad person because you put a hole in the wall when you were angry, right? You are a human feeling some really loud emotions, right? There is no morality in this.”
  (Xena, 13:12)

• “Judgment makes everything heavier and harder. That judgment layer, my friend, is what causes so much unnecessary emotional suffering.”
  (Xena, 18:24)

• “You are not a bad person for reacting to your emotions. No. You are a human with some big, intense feelings.”
  (Xena, 32:29)

Actionable Takeaways

1. Let go of all-or-nothing goals—aim for progress, not perfection.
2. See emotions as data rather than enemy; ask what is this feeling telling me?
3. Interrupt shame with curiosity—treat emotional reactions as opportunities to learn, not judge.
4. Practice self-compassion daily—acknowledge humanity and offer yourself kindness.
5. Remove moral judgment—actions do not define your worthiness or morality.

Segment Timestamps

• [00:24] — Humorous intro, setting the relatable tone
• [02:56] — Universal nature of emotional reactions
• [04:54] — Is “never reacting” even possible?
• [06:41] — Understanding inhibition and ADHD
• [08:05] — The trap of perfectionism and all-or-nothing thinking
• [11:08] — Layer cake of behavior and judgment
• [13:12] — Removing morality: “You’re not a bad person”
• [15:15] — Emotions as data
• [18:24] — Shame, heaviness, and judgment
• [21:42] — Example: Chicken nuggets and curiosity
• [24:55] — How curiosity bridges us out of shame
• [27:53] — What self-compassion looks like
• [29:19] — Zooming out: how imperfection is universal
• [32:29] — Closing reassurance and encouragement

Tone & Language

Xena maintains a conversational, humorous, supportive, and straightforward tone throughout, using vivid analogies and a “no BS” approach while being deeply empathetic to listeners’ struggles.

In summary:
This episode empowers adults with ADHD to shift away from striving for impossible emotional perfection. Instead, Xena encourages listeners to understand and work with their brains using the powerful tools of curiosity and self-compassion—inviting everyone to learn, grow, and, above all, be kind to themselves.