Podcast Summary: Navigating Adult ADHD

Episode #147: “Why ADHDers Don’t Follow Through: The Truth About Shame-Based Goals”

Host: Xena Jones
Release Date: January 5, 2026

Main Theme

In this episode, Xena Jones explores why adults with ADHD often struggle to follow through on their goals, with a focus on the damaging impact of shame-based motivation. Drawing from personal experience, science-backed research, and evidence-based coaching tools, Xena unpacks the concept of shame-based goals—goals motivated by self-criticism or a sense of inadequacy—and provides three actionable steps for setting goals from a place of compassion rather than shame. The tone throughout is supportive, candid, and empowering, with Xena using real-life examples and relatable stories to connect with listeners.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

Introduction (00:00 - 03:30)

• Xena welcomes listeners and shares why she’s replaying this “MVP” episode: It’s one of her most-requested replays because so many listeners recognized their lifelong habit of setting shame-based goals.
• Quote:

  “I have had so many people comment on this episode specifically and how they recognized how they have set shame based goals their entire life and say things like, oh, it’s no wonder I’ve never achieved that. It makes so much sense now.” (01:00)

• Sets the stage: Many with ADHD have internalized negative self-talk due to years of criticism in a neurotypical world.

The Real Reason for Not Following Through (03:31 - 12:05)

• Common Experience: Many ADHD adults set the same goals year after year—lose weight, save money, stop yelling at kids, start writing, etc.—and feel frustrated by not following through.
• Classic ADHD hallmark:

  “When our intentions don’t match our actions... That is classic ADHD.” (04:30)

• The #1 reason for this struggle: Most goals are shame-based.
• Example (06:00): Xena explains how her repeated goal to lose weight was motivated by self-loathing and a belief she would only be worthy, happy, or loved if she changed.
  • Inner voice:

    “You look fat in that and you shouldn’t be eating that. You’re disgusting. You need to lose weight.” (06:55)

• Other shame-based goals: Driven by “shoulds”—“I should stop yelling at my kids because I’m a bad parent” or “I should save money because I’m irresponsible.”

Why Shame Doesn’t Work as Motivation (12:06 - 21:30)

• The CBT Model:

  “Our thoughts create our feelings and our feelings drive all of our actions.” (11:14)

• Negative thoughts (“I’m bad because I’m overweight”) create feelings of shame, which then drive negative or avoidant actions:
  • Hiding, isolating, numbing, self-sabotage.
• Quote (summarized): “Shame is not a positive emotion to create positive actions. You can’t hate your way to happiness, trust me I tried.”
• Brene Brown's distinction:

  “Guilt is ‘I did something bad.’ Shame is ‘I am bad.’” (13:33)

• Shame as a bruise analogy:

  "If you keep pushing [a bruise], it doesn’t heal, it gets worse ... If we have a shame based goal, and we just keep fueling it with shame ... it does not get better, it gets worse.” (14:22)

The Two Approaches: Teaching a Child to Ride a Bike (21:31 - 28:52)

• Scenario A (Positive Support): Encouragement, patience, celebrating progress after each fall.
• Scenario B (Shame & Criticism): Impatience, critical remarks, calling the child useless.
• Insightful comparison:

  “That shame-based approach is often how we approach ourselves when it comes to our goals—our equivalent of riding the bike.” (24:55)

• Shame-based goals are often about proving self-worth or moral adequacy—believing “I’ll be a better person if I do this.”

Internalized Shame & External Messages (28:53 - 33:46)

• Many adults with ADHD have been shamed by others—family, teachers, society—for the very things they now feel bad about.
• Compound effect: external shaming becomes internalized, fueling self-criticism.
• Xena recounts being shamed for weight and spending habits growing up, illustrating the harmful, lasting impact.

The Danger of Identity Stories (33:47 - 36:45)

• Failing to meet shame-based goals reinforces a negative identity story: “I never follow through, I just don’t have what it takes.”
• Quote:

  “We use it as evidence that we are a person who just doesn’t follow through ... it becomes part of our identity.” (34:49)

The Myth of Consistency (36:46 - 41:45)

• ADHDers are “consistently inconsistent”—and that’s OK!
• Using the bike analogy: mastery doesn’t require perfect daily practice; simply returning and not quitting creates results.
• “Inconsistency is actually what creates the success ... it doesn’t mean failure.”

Three Steps to Unglue Shame from Your Goals (41:46 - 51:30)

1. Recognize Shame-Based Goals

• Ask: Does this goal make me feel bad about myself before I even start?
• Examples: “I need to lose weight because I’m disgusting," “I should stop yelling at my kids because I’m a bad parent.”

2. Reframe the Goal

• Move from shame/negativity to compassion/neutrality/positivity.
• Key reflective questions:
  • If I already believed I was good enough, would I still want this goal?
  • What is the kindest/loving/supportive way I can approach this?
• Examples: “I want to feel strong and take care of my body.” “I want to feel calm and connected to my kids.”

3. Build in Emotional Safety

• Provide “shame free support” like the encouraging adult teaching a kid to ride a bike.
• Celebrate progress, practice flexibility, normalize inconsistency.
• Ask yourself: “How will I support myself when I mess up or have a setback?”
• Quote:

  “There will always be roadblocks ... we can’t avoid that. But it doesn’t have to be a reason that we quit either.” (50:10)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On hating your way to happiness:

  “You can’t hate your way to achieving any goal that you have.” (10:22)

• On identity and failure:

  “It becomes part of our identity … Like, we start to think it’s just who we are and we tell ourselves these stories.” (34:35)

• On the power of encouragement:

  “With encouragement and support, it’s so much easier to keep going.” (29:10)

• On inconsistency:

  “One of the most consistent things about people with ADHD is we are consistently inconsistent.” (36:53)

• On freeing yourself from shame:

  “If it feels like a punishment, then there is an element of shame hooked in there.” (36:00)

Timestamps for Key Segments

• Intro & Setup: 00:00 – 03:30
• Why We Don’t Follow Through: 03:31 – 06:00
• Shame-Based Goals Explained (with examples): 06:01 – 12:05
• How Shame Hijacks Motivation: 12:06 – 21:30
• Bike Analogy – Two Approaches: 21:31 – 28:52
• Society/Family’s Role in Shame: 28:53 – 33:46
• The Identity Problem: 33:47 – 36:45
• Consistency Myths: 36:46 – 41:45
• Three Steps to Compassionate Goals: 41:46 – 51:30

Tone & Closing

Xena’s delivery is “no BS,” warm, and relatable, full of encouragement and empathy. She normalizes the struggle of ADHD, empowers listeners to approach goals with self-kindness, and leaves them with concrete steps to move away from shame-based motivation.

“Have a beautiful new year. I know that you have this. You’ve got what it takes and I am cheering you on. Let’s fucking get after it. Let’s go.” (51:10)

Recommended Next Step:
If you want more support implementing these tools, Xena invites you to visit her website for coaching and resources.