Navigating Adult ADHD
Episode #152: What is Emotional Dysregulation?
Host: Xena Jones
Date: February 9, 2026
Episode Overview
In this episode, Xena Jones delves deep into the topic of emotional dysregulation—a cornerstone experience for many adults with ADHD. With her signature no-BS, empathetic tone, Xena unpacks what emotional dysregulation actually is, why it matters so much, and how it shows up in day-to-day life. She focuses on dismantling shame and misunderstanding, highlighting that emotional regulation is a learnable skill rather than a personal failing. The episode draws on science-backed concepts and practical coaching strategies to empower listeners.
Key Discussion Points & Insights
1. Defining Emotional (Dys)regulation
- Emotional regulation is the ability to recognize, understand, and manage emotions in healthy ways (01:57).
- Example: Calming yourself down before replying to a triggering email.
- Metaphor: Xena compares regulation to a “traffic light system” (green: regulated, orange: starting to lose control, red: dysregulated) (03:10).
- Dysregulation is the struggle to manage emotions effectively—leading to overwhelming reactions, difficulty coming down, and a feeling of being “emotionally hijacked” (05:23).
"When we're dysregulated, everything feels harder. It's like being stuck in first gear on a long stretch of road, burning a lot of fuel."
— Xena Jones (04:26)
Examples of Emotional Dysregulation (07:15)
- Overreacting to moderate criticism (e.g., an email from the boss).
- Intense anxiety over unanswered texts from friends.
- Shutting down during routine tasks (e.g., feeling like calling the doctor is 'climbing Everest').
2. ADHD & Emotional Dysregulation
- Emotional dysregulation is universal, but much more common and intense for people with ADHD (13:01).
- Emotions often feel “louder” and more intense—full volume, with no remote to turn it down (13:46).
- Lower frustration tolerance and higher rates of impatience are common (15:22).
- Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD): Exaggerated emotional pain following real or perceived rejection/criticism (16:50).
- Example: A friend cancels and it feels like total rejection (17:26).
"A mildly awkward interaction can feel horrifying. A small win can feel like flying. Criticism can feel like a panic attack."
— Xena Jones (13:48)
Interoception (18:34)
- Many with ADHD struggle with "interoception," or reading internal signals from the body.
- This can lead to not noticing emotions (or hunger, thirst, stress, etc.) until they become overwhelming (21:18).
"It's like your emotional alarm clock goes off late—by the time you notice, you're already in meltdown or shutdown."
— Xena Jones (22:31)
3. Emotional Regulation as a Learnable Skill (24:40)
- Emotional regulation isn’t an innate trait—everyone learns it, though it's harder for ADHD brains due to neurodevelopmental differences.
- Xena encourages listeners: "You can learn it. It's not built-in for anyone—you just have to practice." (26:11)
- Analogy: Learning emotional regulation is like learning to drive—awkward at first, but becomes second nature with practice (27:12).
"Emotional regulation actually is a skill. One that, if you ask me, should be taught in schools. Like, it should be like English!"
— Xena Jones (25:06)
4. Cultural Messages about Emotions (31:00)
- Most people with ADHD were never taught how to understand or manage emotions and instead received negative messaging:
- “Calm down,” “Don’t be sad,” “Stop crying,” “Toughen up.” (32:01)
- This fosters shame and suppression—viewing big emotions as bad or weak.
"We learned that big emotions equal bad. That crying equals weakness. That sensitivity needs to be fixed."
— Xena Jones (33:18)
- Listeners are encouraged to reflect: What messages did you get about emotions growing up, and how do they affect you today? (35:23)
5. The Power of Emotions (36:40)
- Emotions drive all our actions or avoidance of action.
- Procrastination and distraction (e.g., doomscrolling, cleaning, Netflix) are attempts to avoid uncomfortable feelings—not signs of laziness (38:12).
"It's not that you're lazy, that's not the issue. You simply were not taught how to understand and regulate these emotions."
— Xena Jones (39:43)
What Even Is an Emotion? (40:10)
- One-word descriptors (happy, angry, anxious...) tied to specific sensations in the body (racing heart, sweaty palms, tight chest).
- Emotions are “energy in motion” or “smoke alarms”—ADHD “smoke alarms” are more sensitive (43:20).
6. The Four R’s: How We Respond to Emotions (46:42)
- Resist: Trying to numb or distract (social media, food, busyness).
- React: Acting emotions out (yelling, snapping, rage cleaning, impulsive emails).
- Reject: Denying or shaming yourself for them ("I'm fine", toxic positivity).
- Receive: Naming, noticing, and allowing the emotion—responding with self-compassion (this is the goal).
"Naming it to tame it: notice what you're feeling and allow it to be there without judging."
— Xena Jones (53:22)
Examples of Receiving (54:03)
- Taking a breath and pausing rather than firing off an angry text.
- Putting a hand on your chest, using EFT, or stepping away momentarily.
- Practicing self-compassion in moments of shame.
"When you learn to receive emotions, you get your power back—when we stop fighting them and just let them be with us, they start to dissipate."
— Xena Jones (56:32)
7. Reflection Prompts & Self-Compassion (58:00)
- Assess which “R” you most commonly choose.
- Reflect on whether the coping patterns have lasting negative impacts or just offer temporary relief (58:37).
- Regret is common, especially post-diagnosis. But “you did the best you could with the tools you had” (59:11).
- Awareness is the starting point to change: “It’s like turning on the light in a dark room.” (01:00:06)
Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments
-
On ADHD & Emotions:
“ADHD brains experience their emotions on full volume, and we don't know where the hell the remote is to turn them down.”
— Xena Jones (13:48) -
On Judgment & Shame:
“This is not you being dramatic. It's not you being too sensitive. It's your nervous system just hitting the panic button faster and harder than most people's.”
— Xena Jones (10:02) -
On Emotional Regulation as Skill:
“It's one of those things you’ve got to learn, you’ve got to practice, and over time, you’ll get better at.”
— Xena Jones (26:22) -
On Receiving Emotions:
“Receiving doesn’t mean that you enjoy the feeling. It just means you’re willing to feel it without attacking it or trying to run from it.”
— Xena Jones (55:01) -
Encouragement:
“You’re not lazy, you’re not too much, you’re not broken. Your brain and nervous system are doing exactly what they’re supposed to do, and they can learn this skill.”
— Xena Jones (01:01:19)
Key Timestamps
- 01:57: Defining emotional regulation
- 05:23: Defining emotional dysregulation and examples
- 13:01: Emotional dysregulation & ADHD—how it's different
- 16:50: RSD (Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria) explained
- 18:34: Interoception and body signals
- 24:40: Emotional regulation as a skill to be learned
- 31:00: Messages about emotions we received growing up
- 36:40: The power of emotions — they drive our actions
- 40:10: What is an emotion: description, sensations, and “smoke alarm” analogy
- 46:42: The Four R’s of emotion response: Resist, React, Reject, Receive
- 54:03: Concrete examples of receiving emotions
- 58:00: Reflection, regrets, and self-compassion
- 01:01:19: Reassurance and call to empowerment
Tone & Language
Xena's style is warm, direct, and sprinkled with humor, metaphors, and explicit language for emphasis. The advice is empathetic, empowering, and notably non-judgmental.
Summary Takeaways
- Emotional dysregulation is central to adult ADHD and is not a character flaw.
- Emotions are powerful drivers of all behaviors—regulation is a skill anyone can learn.
- Recognizing, naming, and “receiving” emotions (rather than resisting or rejecting) is foundational to developing healthier responses and greater wellbeing.
- Self-compassion and awareness are the first steps; reflecting on childhood emotional messages and current coping strategies can unlock meaningful growth.
- “You did the best you could with the tools you had”—now there are new tools and support.
For further tools and in-depth support, Xena recommends her course and community at navigatingadultadhd.com.