Navigating Adult ADHD – Episode #154

Don’t Tell Me What To Do: ADHD, PDA & The Demand-Avoidant Brain
Host: Xena Jones
Date: February 23, 2026

Episode Overview

In this episode, Xena Jones delves into the concept of Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) through the lens of adult ADHD. Combining real-life experiences, evidence-based coaching strategies, and insights from neurodivergent research, Xena explores why everyday demands—even those we want to fulfill—can feel threatening for ADHD brains. She discusses how PDA is distinct from Oppositional Defiance Disorder (ODD), what these patterns look like in real life, and practical methods for making demands feel safer, reclaiming autonomy, and breaking avoidance cycles. Throughout, Xena normalizes the messy, nonlinear nature of ADHD life and offers compassionate, actionable guidance.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Introduction to PDA and Its Relevance to ADHD

• PDA Definition & Context
  • Not an official diagnosis in major manuals yet, but a recognized behavioral profile.
  • "PDA stands for pathological demand avoidance, and in the research, it is described as a behavioral profile most often seen in neurodivergent people...where there is an intense anxiety driven avoidance of everyday demands." (02:40)
  • Most research spotlights PDA in autism, especially children, but Xena notes high relevance among late-diagnosed ADHD adults and those with combined Autism and ADHD (Audi HDs).
• Everyday Examples
  • The instant dread when something becomes a “have to,” even if previously desirable (e.g., gym sessions, chores, texting friends).
  • "As soon as something becomes a have to do it, your brain goes, hell no. Even when it’s something that you actually want to do." (01:33)

2. PDA Traits in Adults with ADHD

• Common Traits:
  • Strong need for autonomy and control, especially as a safety mechanism.
  • Avoidance even of self-imposed demands or enjoyable activities.
  • Tendency toward passivity or being a ‘watchful observer’ in group/social settings.
  • Resistance increases if explicitly told or asked to do something—even if originally planned.
  • Difficulty with authority and hierarchy.
  • May use fantasy as escapism.
• Notable Anecdotes:
  • "I can decide myself I’m going to go clean the kitchen and, like, feel fine about that. But then if my partner asks me…suddenly it is a whole damn thing." (09:25)
  • "You say yes to things and then feel this rising panic as the date gets closer, like you’re stuck in a trap. Omg, that is so me." (17:02)
  • "The more someone pushes you, the more your nervous system pushes back." (18:04)

3. PDA vs. ODD: Core Differences

• PDA:
  • Anxiety and a need for control/autonomy to feel safe.
  • Demands trigger a “threat” response in the nervous system.
  • “I can’t do this because my system feels unsafe.” (23:08)
• ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder):
  • Marked by anger, irritability, pattern of routine defiance toward authority.
  • Deliberately aims to annoy or upset others, holds grudges, frequent arguing.
  • “I won’t do this because I’m angry, I’m resentful, I’m pushing back.” (23:44)
• Key Distinction:
  • The underlying “why” is crucial—PDA is not about being difficult or deliberately oppositional.

4. Emotional Impact & Growth

• Challenges with Shame & Self-Blame:
  • Discussion of internalized messages about being “lazy,” “flaky,” or “self-sabotaging.”
  • Connections between demand avoidance, executive dysfunction, and shame spirals.
• Normalizing & Compassion:
  • "This is not a character assassination and this is definitely not a verdict of your self worth. It’s simply a lens..." (27:04)
  • Invitation to approach self-care and self-understanding with curiosity rather than judgment.

5. Practical Strategies for PDA & ADHD Brains

1. Make Demands Feel Safer & Smaller (29:44)

• Reframe To-Do Lists:
  • “Turning any have to’s or should do’s into could I try or I’m choosing to…It’s not demands, it’s not things I have to do.” (30:14)
• Watch Out for ‘Should Avoidance’:
  • “Shoulding on yourself is shitting on yourself.” (32:24)
• Lower the Bar for Entry:
  • Break tasks into 1–5 minute micro-steps.
  • Use ‘soft starts’: just open the document, just put on gym shoes, etc.
• Find the Middle Ground:
  • “It’s very all or nothing…What would it look like to find a more middle ground?” (35:18)

2. Increase Autonomy (36:11)

• Build in Choice:
  • “Do you want to send this email first or do you want to throw the load of washing in the machine?”
• White Space & Opt-Outs:
  • “I try very hard to never book back-to-back appointments…so that I have white space.”
• Do Things Your Own Way:
  • Reject “neurotypical” standards and give self permission to approach tasks non-traditionally.
  • “Let yourself do things your own way. Increase that autonomy.” (38:48)
  • Xena encourages play and experimentation: “Play with this tool…There’s no pressure in that. It’s not a demand.”

3. Regulate Your Nervous System (41:24)

• Nervous System Support Practices:
  • Breathwork (physiological sighs, long exhales)
  • Movement breaks, getting outside or simple exercises
  • Co-regulation with safe people, body doubling, sensory supports (noise-canceling headphones, weighted blankets)
• EFT Tapping:
  • “That’s one of my favorite nervous system tools. That’s one that I use almost daily, sometimes multiple times a day to really help regulate my own nervous system.” (45:12)
• The Goal:
  • “The goal is not to eliminate demands from your life, my friend, but it’s to help your system feel safe enough. Play with them deliberately.” (44:00)

Notable Quotes & Moments

• On Reframing Demands:

  • “I could brush my teeth if I wanted to, instead of I have to brush my teeth, which just feels like, oh, fuck that.” (31:10)

• On Middle Ground Action:

  • “What would it look like to find a more middle ground? Maybe then I just throw a few things in the dishwasher. Maybe then I just wipe the kitchen bench.” (35:42)

• On Autonomy:

  • “Don’t tell me what to do. I need to decide to do it and I need to do it my way, not your way.” (16:36)

• On Shame & Self-Compassion:

  • “You were doing the best that you could at that time with the knowledge, the understanding, the brain and the tools that you had.” (28:17)

• On Playing with Change:

  • "We are our great project ever. We can learn so much from ourself by just experimenting with and playing with different things." (47:00)

• On ADHD Reality:

  • [After getting distracted by a phone alert:] “But you know why I’m sharing this? Because I just want to normalize the fuck out of what it’s like to live with ADHD and have a brain like this.” (43:10)

Timestamps for Important Segments

• PDA Explained with Examples: 01:33–03:55
• Traits and Characteristics of PDA in Adults: 09:25–17:30
• How PDA Feels Internally: 17:02–22:24
• Difference Between PDA and ODD: 22:30–25:00
• Shame and Grieving Past Experiences: 27:04–28:30
• Strategy 1: Make Demands Smaller & Safer: 29:44–36:05
• Strategy 2: Increase Autonomy: 36:11–41:15
• Strategy 3: Regulate Your Nervous System: 41:24–46:50
• Closing Summary & Encouragement: 47:12–48:20

Summary Takeaways

• PDA is not an official diagnosis but a helpful lens to understand intense resistance in ADHD brains.
• The drive for autonomy is central—making tasks feel like choices rather than forced demands helps mitigate avoidance.
• Breaking tasks down, minimizing “shoulds,” and infusing play and flexibility fosters sustainable action.
• Nervous system regulation is key—support, permission, and self-compassion are essential for thriving.
• Most importantly: You are not lazy, broken, or defiant. Your brain is protecting itself, and you can learn to work with it, not against it.

For more resources and support: navigatingadultadhd.com