← Navigating Adult ADHD
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You are listening to the Navigating Adult ADHD podcast with your ADHD coach and expert, Xena. Hello, hello, hello, my friend. Welcome back. We are Navigating Adult ADHD today and I have to tell you before we get into this episode, I just came into my office for, for the first time today and my partner has used my office yesterday and he asked me if he could use it when I wasn't using it and I was like, of course, that's fine. And I just said to him, hey, please remember to take all of your stuff out and just put it back the way you found it when you leave. And I walk in here and his shit is sprawled everywhere. I've still got his laptop where my laptop would go, his mouse and his book and all. Like his shit was everywhere. So right now I am practicing some deep breaths. So just in case you need to take a deep breath with me. Let's do it. Three, two, one. It makes me think of Will Smith. I can't remember the other actor's name in Bad Boys when they're doing the whole woosa. I'm having to do some of that. I'm having to use my emotional regulation skills today. Woosa. Ah, my friends, but that's not what we're talking about today. I just thought it was a little bit funny, a little bit of an interesting start to my day today. We're talking about ADHD and people pleasing. Why it can be so hard for us to say no. So what I'm about to share with you is the most downloaded episode I have ever shared. And honestly, I think that that tells us something. So many ADHDers, especially those of us who are late diagnosed, have spent years being the helpful one, the easy one, the one who says yes whilst quietly like abandoning ourselves. Maybe because disappointing someone feels unbearable. Maybe because saying no makes you feel so anxious. Maybe because somewhere along the way being agreeable just started to feel like the safer thing to do rather than being honest. And I get it, my friends, I get it because for a lot of us, people pleasing became a kind of protection, a way for us to avoid criticism, to keep the peace, to be liked and not feel like the difficult one. But over time, that comes at a cost. It leaves you overextended, disconnected from yourself, wondering why it can feel so hard just to say, actually that doesn't work for me. So my friend, if this sound familiar, if this sounds forgot my s. If it sounds familiar, you are not alone and in fact you are in the right place because that is what we are talking about today. Okay, let's get into it. My name is Xena and I am a recovering people pleaser. And that's actually what we're talking about today. We're talking about people pleasing. But before we dive into that, I want to share with you a message that I received from one of my coaching clients last week. I'm going to read it out. So her name is Terri and she said, I just want to take this time to really thank you for these last 12 weeks. I know it's not the end, but I really wanted to make you realize the impact that you have had on me. I always looked forward to our to your friendly face. Every week I could be having the worst day and talking to you would make it that much better. When we first talked, I had zero self esteem and had no control over this brain of mine. I had ideas but not goals. I knew what I wanted, but I didn't know how I would get there. With your support and skills and your kindness, I can now see my future. I have goals and I know exactly how I will get there. Although still frightening. Lol. But I'm in the growth zone now. The work that you do with ADHD is amazing. We often lose ourselves and start to think, is it just me? But by taking this time and spending it with you, I've never felt so seen and heard. You believed in me so much that I started to believe in myself simply for being me. Your kindness, support and friendship will always be a part of my growth and I am so very grateful for all that you do for me and for our ADHD community. I'm forever grateful for the way that you listened to me for 12 weeks and even more, the way that you understand. Thank you for reminding me who the fuck I am. My friends, I've got to say that's the first time I read that without crying. And I've read that quite a few times recently because last week was a week. It was one hell of a week. There was some very awful news coming in from a couple of different people in my community, people close to me, and it was just a really mentally, physically and emotionally tough week. And having a message like that from one of my clients was something that I really clung to and I wanted to share it with you all so that you get a little bit of insight into what it's like from a client perspective to be coached. So I'm going to share with you some more testimonials and words that I have received from clients recently. In the coming episodes so that you can get a little sneak peek into their experience of ADHD coaching. So shout out to Terry, who is incredible. So let's talk, my friends, about people pleasing. Because I, as I said, am a recovering people pleaser. I was the person who couldn't say no. When my boss would call me and ask me, you know, if I could stay later, if a co worker wanted to swap shifts with me, even if I have something on, I just wouldn't say no. Because the idea of saying no or, you know, letting somebody down, that idea made me so anxious. So I just went along to try and make other people happy. I was also the one who didn't know what food I liked. It took me a number of years to realise I'm not really a fan of pizza, but I would go along with other people if they wanted pizza because I didn't want to rock the boat. And I was the person who brought expensive gifts for my friends even when I couldn't afford to further putting myself into debt. Because I wanted them to know how much I cared about them. And deep down I desperately wanted them to like me. And I was terrified of possibly being rejected. I really wanted their approval. I cared so much about what other people thought of me and I was constantly prioritising their needs, their opinions above my own. I was prioritizing the needs of my, or the desires rather of my friends, my family, my colleagues, all of them above my own. And by doing that over and over, I was telling myself that my desires and what I wanted was not as important. I was further adding to my insecurities and my lack of self worth. So over time, naturally, I became a chameleon. I didn't really know who I was or what I liked. And sometimes I didn't even really know what I wanted because I had got so used to just going along with everyone else. I remember telling people, like I could be in a conversation with one person, I would tell them, yeah, I love dogs, dogs are amazing. And then I'd have a conversation with somebody else and be like, yeah, I love cats, cats are amazing. I was always agreeable like that. I would tell people what I thought they wanted to hear and I would even tell little white lies to try and blend in or, or if I thought it was something that somebody wanted to hear and that is people pleasing. My friends, when we are people pleasing, we're focused most on pleasing others. And usually we're not focused on pleasing ourselves. Okay? So rather than being ourself and attracting the people who like us for who we are, we try to please all of the people around us in order to get their approval and their validation. So people pleasing is a pattern of thinking and doing that prioritises what other people think over what we think. We're going to talk a lot more about that today, okay? When we're people pleasing, we are sacrificing pleasing ourself in order to please someone else. Now, as women, we are taught from a very young age to please others. I know, I grew up hearing things like, don't make waves, don't upset the apple cart, or, you know, do as you're told, be helpful, be a good girl. We are socially conditioned and raised as women to please other people. Now, let's add ADHD to the mix for both women and men, right? With ADHD and pleasing others, we were often trying to get their approval or do what we think they wanted as a way to avoid further criticism or further rejection for the differences and the difficulties that we had, either with or without, you know, a diagnosis. If we were having challenges and already receiving criticism or messages that we were wrong or bad or needed to try harder or, you know, do better. Gaining other people's approval and trying to please them was something that we did in order to try and fit in and minimize the amount of criticism and rejection that we were already experiencing. So many of us, myself included, grew up feeling like the odd one out, feeling uncomfortable all the time. And so to try and avoid feeling like that, we would try to please our teachers, we try to please our parents, we would try to please our friends in order to fit in and be liked and have their approval. And as children, we receive praise and positive reinforcement for being helpful and obedient. And thus we learn that people pleasing is a desirable behaviour for other people. Okay, when we struggle to regulate our own emotions, we know that emotional regulation is a very big part of adhd. And if we haven't yet learned emotional regulation skills, and most of us haven't, okay, I only started learning those in the last few years. When we haven't got those emotional regulation skills, people pleasing may have become a coping mechanism in social interactions to avoid any conflict, to avoid any possibility of encountering that RSD of experiencing feelings of criticism or rejection or failure, we would people please instead. And as women, we have been taught that prioritizing our own needs and desires is selfish. Okay, that is something that women are taught and not men. So women are taught prioritizing their own needs and their own desires is selfish. But that's not something we teach Men. And who does that benefit? It certainly does not benefit us as women, nor is that fear. So I want to be very clear here. I am not shaming anyone. Most of us as ADHDers and most women are people pleasers, okay? And we have been raised to do this. Now again, I want to be super clear. I'm not shaming anyone or blaming anyone at all. I'm saying that adults with ADHD have been socialized to people please from a young age. And while it may have been a form of safety that we used as children, it's only further adding to our ADHD related challenges in adulthood. Okay? So when we agree to do things that we don't really want to do, or maybe we say yes to things that we actually don't really have the capacity, capacity for, that takes a toll on our precious ADHD resources. Okay? We're spending our time, our energy, our mental effort, our physical effort, things that we've got a limited supply of. We're spending it on someone else. Thus that's going to take a toll on us. It's going to take a toll on us mentally, physically and emotionally. Meaning that we've got less in the tank to take care of our own needs and desires to take care of ourselves. Okay? Now, at the most basic, basic level here, what causes us to people please is our thoughts. So those thoughts that we have, and I'll explain this in a minute, but the thoughts we have that cause us feelings of anxiety or fear or discomfort, that is what then causes us to go along and to please others. So for example, when your boss calls you on your day off to see if you can come into work and you don't want to, but you don't feel comfortable saying no, so you agree and you go in. What makes you feel uncomfortable is a thought. And it'll be a thought like, I don't want my boss to be annoyed with me, or I don't feel like I can say no, or it'll be uncomfortable or awkward if I say no, that thought leads you to feel uncomfortable. When you feel uncomfortable, you please your boss and say yes. Here's another example. If you were, say, out with a couple of friends and somebody said something that you didn't like or something you didn't agree with, but you don't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable, so you just don't say anything. You'd rather be uncomfortable yourself, so you just suck it up, you stay quiet even though you know it's going to be worse for you in the long run. Because, hello, we've got adhd and we like to overthink. So for days, maybe even weeks, you're going to be thinking about it and running through it in your brain. But if you feel anxious at the idea of saying something, that anxiety is coming from a thought. A thought like, I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable or I don't like confrontation, so I'm just going to stay quiet. It all starts with your thoughts. You have a thought that causes you to feel anxious or afraid or uncomfortable when you think about prioritizing yourself and saying or doing what you want. And those feelings are stronger than your desire to please yourself, so you please somebody else instead. Okay? Now here is the hard truth, my friend. You can't control other people. I wish we could sometimes. Don't get me wrong, if we could, I'd give you guys the recipe. But the truth is we can't. We can't control other people, no matter how hard we try. And some of us, we try very hard. We can't control what they do. We can't control how they feel. We can't control what they think. We have no control over what happens inside their brain. Okay? Their brain is responsible for their thoughts. Their thoughts are responsible for their feelings. Their feelings are responsible for what they do, their actions, Right? We can't make them do that stuff. Right? We can only do that in our brain. So the other truth here is that when you please others, when you're people pleasing, you are not pleasing yourself, okay? When we are people pleasing, we are not pleasing ourselves. And that is the one and only thing that you do have control over here. Yourself. Right? You have control over your thoughts, your feelings and your actions. The only thing you can control is pleasing you. I left a big bit of silence there for impact. All right, my friends, I remember multiple occasions, and I'm going to share the story with you, but I remember multiple, multiple occasions growing up with my dad where I would simply go along just to try and keep the peace because I was afraid of upsetting him. And the idea of standing up to my dad and telling him what I really wanted made me so anxious, I brought a house just to please him. Was it a smart move? Yes, sure, it was. Okay. But I want to be very clear that it was not something I had wanted to do yet. I did it to please him. And when I decided to rent out that house and to move to the other side of the world, to move to London, he was flat out disgusted, and he made no attempt to hide his disapproval of my choice to do that. I remember hearing things about, you know, you're leaving behind a good job and you're leaving behind your family. This seems like such a stupid decision. You're throwing your life away. Those are the kinds of things I heard. I was always agreeable to my dad. I did not want to rock the boat, and deep down, I desperately wanted his approval. So I was making all of these life choices and doing all of these things, desperately trying to get it without pausing to see if these were things I wanted for me and my life. Spoiler alert. It turns out that it wasn't at that time, it was not what I wanted. And me being constantly agreeable and trying to please him, that was actually not good or healthy for our relationship. Our relationship today is so much better because I decided eventually to prioritise my own needs and desires and he now has so much more respect for me. And that's another important thing I want to point out here is we teach other people how to treat us based on the way we treat ourselves. So what was I teaching him when I was constantly being agreeable and trying to please him and do everything he wanted? The way out of people pleasing is firstly to become aware of just how often you are putting other people's needs, wants, desires above your own. Okay? It all begins with self awareness. We must be aware of how often we are doing this in our lives. This is such an important step because we have to be aware of something before we can change it. And we have to see the impact that it's having on us in our lives. Now, the second step here is to change the thinking that has you feeling uncomfortable or afraid or anxious about prioritising yourself. Why is it that what someone else wants is more important than what you want? Because honestly, my friends, it's not. You are equally as important. What you want matters. The only reason we struggle with this is because of what we make it mean about ourselves when we do put ourselves first. So often I'll hear people say, you know, well, if I do that, they might think I'm rude or I'm selfish, right? When we go to prioritize ourselves and do what we want, we might think, oh, but I'm being rude or I'm being selfish or that's not fair or I shouldn't do that, right? What would your life be like if you believed that you were entitled to put yourself first and then it meant nothing about you as a person? I can tell you from experience that it is both freeing and incredibly rewarding. And you deserve to put yourself first, my friend. You are your number one priority. Your needs and desires, they are important. You matter. Right my friends, that is it for today's episode. Huge love to you all. Take care. Hey friend, if you want some more help navigating and thriving with ADHD and some help applying everything that you're learning here on the podcast, then head over to our website, navigating adultadhd.com.