Am I the Financial Asshole?! - Networth and Chill with Your Rich BFF

Summary

Podcast Summary: Networth and Chill with Your Rich BFF Episode: Am I the Financial Asshole?! Host: Vivian Tu Release Date: June 18, 2025

In this engaging episode of Networth and Chill with Your Rich BFF, host Vivian Tu delves into real-life financial dilemmas submitted by listeners, evaluating whether the individuals involved are justified in their financial decisions or if they're crossing lines into questionable territory. The conversation is candid, insightful, and peppered with practical advice, making complex financial topics relatable and understandable.

1. Strained Friendships Over Financial Priorities

Submission: A listener shared her experience of purchasing a house with her husband amidst her best friend's pre-wedding events. Due to rising interest rates, she had to withdraw from a costly hot tub boat ride, leading her friend to uninvite her from further celebrations.

Vivian's Take: Vivian empathizes, stating, “'You are not the financial asshole.' ([05:30]) She emphasizes the importance of setting financial boundaries and prioritizing personal financial stability over social obligations. Vivian suggests that true friends should understand and support each other's financial decisions without resentment.

2. Child Support and Co-Parenting Challenges

Submission: A responsible mother discusses her ex-partner's failure to uphold child support agreements, leading to substantial debt and minimal involvement in their teenager's life.

Vivian's Take: Vivian advises firmness, mentioning, “'He could have his wages garnished, his assets seized...' ([10:15]). She encourages enforcing legal child support orders to ensure the child's well-being, while also contemplating the emotional toll of pursuing further action against an uncooperative ex.

3. Accumulated Credit Card Debt for Family Support

Submission: A newly single individual confesses to amassing $30,000 in credit card debt to support her family, leading to personal and relational turmoil.

Vivian's Take: Affirming that she's not at fault, Vivian states, “'I don't think you're an a hole, but I do think you're being a martyr.' ([14:45]). She recommends strategic debt repayment methods, such as the avalanche method and balance transfers, while highlighting the necessity of prioritizing personal financial health over unsustainable family support.

4. Toxic Co-ownership of a Home with a Brother-in-Law

Submission: A listener feels trapped living with her brother-in-law after jointly purchasing a home, facing neglect of financial responsibilities and personal boundaries.

Vivian's Take: Vivian suggests legal avenues like a partition action, saying, “'You have options based on your state.' ([17:20]). She underscores the importance of establishing financial independence and setting clear boundaries to escape toxic living situations, emphasizing mental health and personal well-being.

5. Prenuptial Agreements and Relationship Dynamics

Submission: A successful corporate executive seeks a prenup before marriage, encountering resistance from her fiancé who views it as unromantic.

Vivian's Take: Firmly supporting the listener, Vivian declares, “'Girl, absolutely not. You are a winner.' ([20:50]). She advocates for prenups as a responsible measure to protect individual assets, highlighting that reluctance to agree may signal deeper relationship red flags.

6. Expensive Celebrations and Financial Expectations Among Friends

Submission: A 30-year-old is upset that a friend did not cover any costs for an out-of-state birthday weekend, leaving participants to bear all expenses.

Vivian's Take: Advising clear communication, Vivian remarks, “'Set more clear cut financial expectations.' ([25:00]). She recommends discussing financial responsibilities upfront to avoid misunderstandings and ensure that all parties are comfortable with the financial commitments involved.

7. Tithing and Financial Stability

Submission: A listener questions the morality of tithing when it strains personal finances, leading to credit counseling needs.

Vivian's Take: Vivian suggests reassessing budget allocations, stating, “'Tithing should be under your wants, not needs.' ([28:30]). She introduces the 50/30/20 budgeting method, encouraging a balanced approach that prioritizes essential expenses and future savings while maintaining charitable contributions within sustainable limits.

8. Retirement Planning vs. Partner's Financial Habits

Submission: A frugal individual contemplates early retirement but hesitates to outpace her husband financially, who has a less stable financial history.

Vivian's Take: Encouraging financial independence, Vivian advises, “'You don't need to derail all of the things you've been looking forward to.' ([32:10]). She promotes a balanced approach, suggesting that individual retirement plans can coexist with supporting a partner's financial growth without compromising personal goals.

9. Gift-Giving Imbalance in Family Relationships

Submission: A family member consistently receives disproportionally cheap gifts compared to what they give, sparking feelings of resentment.

Vivian's Take: Vivian emphasizes the non-monetary value of relationships, noting, “'Gift giving is about giving and not the expectation of receiving.' ([35:00]). She encourages evaluating the broader relationship dynamics and considering alternative forms of appreciation beyond material gifts.

10. Friend's Financial Resentment Over Success

Submission: A listener faces backlash from a friend who feels overshadowed by her financial success, questioning her earnings despite her qualifications.

Vivian's Take: Highlighting the toxicity of such friendships, Vivian states, “'It sounds like she's a bad friend.' ([38:20]). She advises distancing from relationships that undermine personal achievements and fostering connections that celebrate mutual success without envy.

Bonus Story: Condominium Rental Dispute

Submission: A family renters transferred a lease for a condo, only to face harassment and unjust financial claims after experiencing construction disturbances during their stay.

Vivian's Take: Vivian condemns the renters' actions, asserting, “'You have nothing to be upset about.' ([40:50]). She reinforces that the renters had no legal claim and commends the family's decision to maintain the compensation offer, advising severing ties with exploitative individuals.

Key Takeaways:

Financial Boundaries are Crucial: Whether in friendships, marriages, or family relationships, setting clear financial limits prevents misunderstandings and resentment.
Prioritize Personal Financial Health: Ensuring one's financial stability should take precedence over obligating support to others, even loved ones.
Legal Protections are Essential: Utilizing legal avenues like prenups or child support enforcement can safeguard personal and familial well-being.
Open Communication Prevents Conflict: Discussing financial expectations openly in relationships and social settings fosters transparency and mutual respect.
Evaluate Relationships Beyond Finances: Recognizing the intrinsic value in relationships beyond monetary exchanges promotes healthier, more supportive connections.

Final Thoughts:

Vivian Tu wraps up the episode by reinforcing that navigating financial matters within personal relationships requires honesty, strategic planning, and sometimes, tough decisions. She encourages listeners to engage in open financial conversations to build stronger, more transparent relationships and secure their financial futures.

Notable Quotes:

“'You are not the financial asshole.'” — Vivian Tu ([05:30])
“'I don't think you're an a hole, but I do think you're being a martyr.'” — Vivian Tu ([14:45])
“'Girl, absolutely not. You are a winner.'” — Vivian Tu ([20:50])

For more insights and financial wisdom, tune into future episodes of Networth and Chill with Vivian Tu, your go-to source for making sense of money in everyday life.

Transcript

Vivian (0:00)

When we were first married we fully believed if we tithed to church all our money issues would be over. By the third year married we found ourselves sitting in credit counseling services. I am in a wave of friends turning 30 this year so a lot of big parties are happening. I am terrified where this is headed. Had a kid several years ago and the relationship with dad did not work out. He does not help with the now teenager and barely sees her unless she happens to be at his mother's house. I racked up $30,000 worth of credit card debt. The grief of it ruined my relationship and I collapsed. My husband, brother in law and I bought a house together. Immediately I am terrified. Am I the asshole for thinking this way? What's up rich friends? Welcome back to another episode of Net Worth and Chill with me, your host Vivian to, AKA your rich BFF and your favorite Wall street girly. I'm all about money, transparency and that's exactly what I preach about. So you gotta walk the walk to talk the talk, right? I think every single person should be talking about money more. And a lot of the feedback I've gotten from the besties on what they want to hear about is that they feel awkward or like an asshole for wanting to talk about a taboo topic like money. So today we are flipping the script and I am going to be answering if you are in fact the financial asshole. I asked for submissions for Stories, conundrums and sticky situations all about Money. Today we're going to be going through those submissions and I'm going to let you know if you are actually the bad guy when it comes to your money and your finances and your relationships. I'm so excited to test out this format. All of you guys have told us that you would love to hear more solo episodes, so let us know what you think and I hope you enjoy. In case you haven't heard, it's officially in Abercrombie Summer. The A and F Vacation shop has everything on your packing mood board. I desperately need their new one piece, the A and F Marina. It's strapless, so flattering. And paired with denim shorts will be my go to beach outfit this summer. Finally, your suitcase isn't complete without finding that dress. You know, the one for the photo shoot. Abercrombie's boho dresses have that perfect beachy romantic look. Make it an Abercrombie Summer shop. Their newest arrivals in store, online and in the app. Okay, so I'm so excited. Here are some of the amazing guest submissions, but let's start us off with a story so many of us have experienced in our own lives. Okay, story number one. I bought a house with my husband in the midst of my BFFs pre wedding events. With rising interest rates, I told her I wouldn't be able to participate in everything and opted to back out of a $300 two hour hot tub boat ride. She responded by uninviting me to her bachelorette dinner and instead said I could go to the pregame and go home. When I confronted her, she brought up past trips I had taken to Puerto Rico, to Hawaii, and couldn't understand why I didn't budget more for her. I told her that the house was at the top of our budget and those trips were planned and paid for in full before we put the offer in on our house. I told her we were still planning on going to their expensive destination wedding in Europe, but I needed an apology first. It never came. So we never went went Signed best friend for never. Whoo. That is a juicy one and I'm going to be so real with you. When we were putting this podcast format together, I was sitting with my team and some members of Vox Media and I shared this exact example. And funny enough, so many people on the call said, haha, this was my submission or it would have been my submission. And it's truly so interesting how these amazing financial life moments have turned into a headache and a heartache. I will say it, you are not the financial a hole. I think it's really healthy that not only did you have a budget in place for this activity, but also the fact that you were spending well within your means for the other parts of your life. What bothers me is that when you share this with your friend, instead of being understanding and saying something like that's a real bummer. I really wish you could come with us. Or even offering to say, hey, it really is important to me that you're there. I'll cover you. She instead turned it around and made it your problem for not having the money. I think that's not a really good friend thing to do. Do I think it was maybe just a touch petty the whole way how it ended? Sure. But if your friend does not have your best financial interest at heart, it worries me that that would be a trend for the future as well. So I think you're probably better off without this friend. I'm really sorry that it might have come at the expense of a lot of evenings. You know, know, crying on the couch, being sad. Because when I feel like I lose a friend I hurt just as much as if I were in a breakup. But ultimately I think you did the right thing. We have to be smarter about setting our own financial boundaries because you do not want to go into debt and go broke for other people's life milestones. And for what it's worth, I'm really proud that you prioritized your own. On to story number two. Had a kid several years ago and the relationship with dad did not work out. We agreed he would help with paying a nanny alternating weeks, which was a problem. When it was his time to pay, his mother would loan him money to pay the nanny and that was the beginning of the bad financial pattern. I ended up putting him on child support to which he now owes around $8,000. One year he tried to claim the kid for tax purposes and got a refund, but later was audited and had to pay it all back. He does not help with the now teenager and barely sees her unless she happens to be at his mother's house. I am in a much better position financially than he is and I don't rely on child support, which he hasn't paid in two years. He is asking that I dismiss the case and clear out what he owes to me, which feels not fair. Am I the asshole for not even considering this request? Signed, the responsible mother. Here's my thing. I don't think you are the bad guy. I think if your daughter's dad doesn't pay child support, it shows either one a lack of wanting to be a financial partner to you, but to wanting to support your kid. And I just want to make it really clear like there are legal steps that you can take to enforce that child support order which has been given to you by a court. He could have his wages garnished, his assets seized, his driver's license suspended, and in extreme cases, he could even be thrown in jail for not not paying his child support. He should be paying that to you. But I need you to take a second and think about how much you hate your baby daddy versus how much you want your daughter to have a good relationship with her dad. Like you mentioned, you are in a much better financial position. He sounds like he's struggling. He can't afford the $8,000. I know you probably hate this person. You probably don't like him, you think he's a deadbeat. You. You probably think that he is no good for your kid. However, you sticking to this child support order, is that going to cause you more strife than it's even going to cause him? Because at the end of the day, I want you to prioritize you and it's so important to me. If you frankly don't think that you're ever going to get that money, if you don't want to bother going through the court system to try and get that money to really stick it to him, which I don't oftentimes think is worth it, continuing to force that issue isn't going to do anything except put him in an even more financially precarious situation and have less money for him to be using to then eventually build a relationship with your child. I am of the camp that you should do what is going to give you the most peace of mind without any consideration given to him. If you're going to get more peace of mind by taking him to court and getting as much money as you can out of him, that is one thing. If the other conversation is, hey, it actually would be easier for me to just kind of let it all go because then I'll never have to speak to this man again. Aside from when he comes and visits our kid, that's another. But you have to think about is this person going to really want to play an active role in your child's life? And two, is it going to let you sleep better at night? Sometimes these money conversations are also soul searching expeditions. Question number three. I racked up $30,000 worth of credit card debt to taking care of my family and only told them eight years later when the grief of it ruined my relationship and I collapsed. My family's grateful that I took care of them, but they also have told me that I was stupid for not telling them. I didn't tell them because my mother's only solution is to refinance her house. She's done it once already and is not currently working. Am I the a hole for keeping this to myself? What do I do now? Signed, newly single oldest daughter. My verdict on this is that I don't think you're an a hole, but I do think you're being a martyr that nobody asked you to be. Yes, it's important to be able to support your family, but it's kind of one of those airplane situations where you got to put your own mask on before you help others. If you are not in a financially sound position, a financially stable, secure place, you then taking on high interest credit card debt to then support your family, it's not going to really help them. It's just going to put you in a worse spot. So I think at this point, with all said and done, I would really consider what are the things that you can do in your power now to get out of this credit card debt and start over. So things like prioritizing debt, pay down using the avalanche method, if you got a couple credit cards, maybe paying the minimum across everything and then any additional debt pay down funds putting towards the credit card with the highest interest rate. That's going to help you pay down your debt to most effectively and efficiently. Two, you could consider a balance transfer card. So this is where if you know you have money coming in, if you have a good job, if you're feeling good about your ability to pay it off, you can open up something called a balance transfer card, where it's essentially a new credit card, but you get an introductory offer of 0% for say, 12 to 18 months. You would truly squeeze every dollar out of your pocket in that time to try and pay this debt down. And then hopefully by the end of the 12 or 18 months, you'd be done. If you don't think you can get it done in that time frame, another option is a personal loan. You can go to any sort of financial institution that you bank with or maybe your credit union and you can apply for a personal loan. And essentially a personal loan is just a fixed interest rate loan from this bank that's usually going to come at a lower interest rate. So 7 to 15%, you're going to take all that money, you're going to pay down your credit card debt so you won't have any credit card debt, but now you're going to owe $30,000 to the bank and you're going to just again pay that down, continue to make as much as you can in terms of payments and get that paid down. The reason this is smart to do, because if your interest rate is 10% instead of 25% as you would have on a credit card, you'll just spend less in interest fees. And if you are truly feeling so overwhelmed, you're not going to be able to pay this debt down, you don't qualify for a balance transfer or a personal loan. You can consider credit counseling. So there's a lot of nonprofits out there that provide credit counseling free of charge. You work with a credit counselor, they negotiate your debt down on your behalf and essentially provide you waivers and fee reducements so that you can get that debt paid down as soon as possible. That said, you will not be allowed to have a credit card while you're doing that for the most part. And if you do mess up while you are in credit counseling. It's. It's really pretty bad. You have to be committed to being on the straight and narrow. All right, number four. Oh, here's a spicy one. In 2022, my husband, brother in law and I bought a house together. Immediately, I am terrified. It was supposed to be temporary. Brother in law needed a mortgage to boost his credit so he could buy a $90,000 truck. Seems like a lot for a truck and we'd refinance in a year. That never happened. Now he refuses to discuss an exit plan, saying things change too much. We split the mortgage, but for two years he didn't pay utilities. He doesn't help with upkeep, and I handle nearly everything. My husband and I also pay for my therapy and prescriptions just to cope. Since getting the mortgage, brother in law openly believes women shouldn't have rights. Selling or refinancing isn't an option. Renting costs the same as our mortgage and our two large dogs limit options. I also have student loans, credit card debt for my small business, and a car loan. I feel trapped in a toxic situation with no way out. My mental health providers say I need to leave, but financially I can't. Am I the financial a hole for feeling manipulated into this? Or is my brother in law the real problem? Signed Mortgage Misery. First and foremost, I need to know whose names are on this deed. Is it all three of you? Because if you do not have a legal document that has your brother in law on this property, there are actually things you can do in a court of law to get him out of your house. Also, it sounds like your brother in law sucks. But aside from him sucking, it kind of sounds like your husband hasn't done a very good job setting clear boundaries with his brother. It's not really your job to navigate this hostile living situation when you're not the one who's directly related to him. Your husband should be playing middleman, and frankly, I feel like he should be protecting you a little bit more from some of the issues that are happening under your same roof. I'd also look into specific legal protections and options available to you based on your state. I pulled this earlier in my research. So I live in Miami. For example, according to Florida law, co owners of a property, regardless of their ownership percentage, regardless of how the split worked out, you have a right to initiate a partition action. It essentially enables you to compel a sale of the property. This legal recourse is available even if all of the other owners object and prefer not to sell. So if you want to part a home and you want to sell but the other parties don't. You can legally force a sale through a court process called a partition action where the court will essentially order the property to be sold and then the proceeds will be divided based on how much each of you owns in terms of ownership shares of the home. This is usually a best option when negotiation fails when you have money because it is quite pricey and frankly it will probably irreparably damage your relationship both with your brother in law, but it might be a tough conversation you need to have with your husband as well. It's a real bummer for me that you're telling me that you are on prescription medication. You need to go to therapy because of how much stress this is causing you. I am a firm believer that your home should be a sanctuary and it should be a place where you get to really be yourself and be happy to be I can't imagine living in a hostile living situation where every day I go home and that's my biggest problem. So I would consider your options. Another thing just to mention is you say you want to leave but you're in a toxic situation and don't have the financial means to. I would really consider thinking about what infrastructure you want to set in place so something like this can't happen to you again. This includes having your own bank account, making sure you have your own money that isn't just jointly owned by you and your husband. You want to have your own stuff? Listen, like I don't mind a yours, mine and ours approach where you share some expenses, you have your own individual stuff, but we as women in particular need to make sure that we have our own money so that you have the freedom to leave a bad situation like this at any time. No questions asked. All right, on to submission number five. I'm a corporate executive in my mid-30s and I'm proud to be a self made multimillionaire. No schemes, no startup that I ipo. Just years of hard work climbing the ladder, living well below my means and investing in the market low cost index funds. I feel very fortunate to also be engaged to a terrific partner who is himself very intelligent, ambitious and financially prudent. However, we met well after I had already accumulated my assets and while his earning power is also very high, mine is higher. We love that and I have 10x the accumulated assets. It feels important to me to establish a prenup before we get married, but raising this has been upsetting to him. He thinks it takes away from the romance of marriage and feels unfairly accused of wanting to have claim to my assets. He wants to view everything as joint. I feel like marriage is a legal contract with a lot of potential downsides, even if we don't anticipate want them to occur. Am I the asshole for insisting on a prenup? Girl, absolutely not. You are a winner. You are smart, you are responsible. You are anything but the a hole in this situation. I am so bummed that your partner can't see that, because regardless of whether or not you draft and sign your own prenup, you get one. The other alternative is that the government gets to write it for you. I don't care if you are left, right or center. I think you would know your financial situation and your relationship better than the government. Yes, if that is the case, which it is for literally everyone, you should write your own prenup. In every single marriage contract, you are already agreeing to certain terms upon a divorce. Why wouldn't you want to set them yourself? The fact that he feels it takes the romance out of it is in part due to public marketing around the prenup. We've seen so many celebrities get divorces, and it's like one person gets a Katrin dollars and the other person's like, broke. Or you see the situation where someone marries someone meaningfully their senior and then divorces them and steals half of their money, right? Like, that is oftentimes more of a case for, like, reality TV or something that is just like, incendiary for the New York Post. But in reality, having a prenup is one of the most loving things you can do because it means that instead of waiting until you are at your very lowest, until you absolutely hate your partner, you are doing it on a sunny day. You and your partner are sitting down on a sunny day when you still very much love each other, still very much agree on most things and are agreeing. What is fair Would this man expect to have 50% of the things you brought into the relationship anyway, even without the prenup? Like, I think you should continue to insist that you get one. And if he truly can't come to terms with that, that is a huge red flag for me. So, prudent Patty, I apologize, I didn't do the sign off. But prudent Patty, I think you're super responsible. I think you've got a great head on your shoulders, and I don't think you are in the wrong. I think you are, in fact in the right. And I would encourage you to continue to push this ultimately the more you talk about money in a relationship, the easier it gets. And I'm hoping that with time, your partner can come to understand why this is so important both to you and for the both of you.