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Networth and Chill with Your Rich BFF
Financial Indelity, Bad Credit, and the Money Secrets Partners Keep | Am I the Financial A-Hole?
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Oof. Okay, I got some good news and some bad news. Your friend is a financial A hole. There's the risk of potentially having to go to court. There's the risk of potentially duking it out. One of you gets crazy and changes the locks. Ugh. I want to give you a hug. I am so sorry that this is happening. You're finding out this way. I think karma will end up getting this person. You're not an A hole, but. What's up rich friends? Welcome back to another episode of Net Worth and Chill with me, your host, Vivian Tu, AKA your rich BFF and your favorite Wall street girly. I'm back with another episode of Am I the A Hole Finance Edition. If you haven't tuned in before, here's how it works. This is the segment where I put on my judge's wig, grab my gavel and get to the bottom of your messiest money moments. I asked my besties to send in their trickiest, stickiest, most awesome, awkward financial conundrums and it is my job to decide. Are you totally justified in how you handled it? Or are you maybe, just maybe, being a little bit of an a hole?
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Support for the show comes from Amazon.
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We've all been there. It's the night before your flight and
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despite your best intentions, you've procrastinated on packing only to realize that your favorite travel size moisturizer only has half a pump left.
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What we're not going to do is
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stretch that half a pump over 10 days and we're definitely not going to
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try and find it at the airport for a 200% markup.
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Not when there's Amazon. Get your essentials ahead of time or get them overnight. If you live for the drama of panic packing, shop Amazon and save on essentials.
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Save the everyday let's get into it first Story when my ex and I broke up, he refused to let me assign my part of the lease to him even though the landlord was fine with it. Immediately, my ex admitted to holding me hostage on the lease in exchange for him finally releasing me from the lease. He agreed in writing to give me 50% of the security deposit refund when he moves out every six months. I email him. He blocked me everywhere to ask if he has moved out yet and offer to settle the amount, but he doesn't agree. We were together for one and a half years, lived together for only six months, and broke up four years ago. Am I the A hole for reminding him he owes me money every six months? Signed holding him hostage. Oof. Okay, I got some good news and some bad news. You are not the a hole, but you're probably not necessarily going to be able to get that money back from him unless you take him to court. And even then, unless you have a written agreement, it's going to be dicey. I think when it comes to matters of the heart and breaking up and moving out and the lease, like, it's a little tricky. I think it's kind of hard for me to understand why he should be responsible for the full lease just because you wanted to move out unless he had already agreed to that because you had agreed to share that burden. Unfortunately, I know so many couples in New York City who actually continue to live together after breaking up because it is so cost prohibitive to break a lease. So my question for you is, does this money really make a difference for you financially or is it the principle that you're just trying to get it back to? Is reminding him every six months taking a toll on your emotional well being? Would it be easier to just let it go? And three, are you ready, willing and able to potentially have to take this person to small claims court? Depending on what your answers are, that'll tell you where you need to go next. But if you're just trying to text him, remind him every six months and you're frankly blocked on everything, it's not actually going to be effective. So there's no real reason to do it. You need to actually send a message, make a plan and force the issue. But the question for you is, is that worth it to you? Is that work? Is that effort and potential legal costs worth it? Question number two. Just two years ago, I was 20 dating a 32 year old. I was on my financial journey and making great progress. One day we got denied for an apartment for my boyfriend's credit. We looked at it and it was 415. When I looked further, he was being sued for motorcycles and laptops. He never paid off. His plan was to do nothing and I gave him a little over $2 to help him pay it. Eventually I broke up with him because I found out he had almost $20,000 of student loans that he never planned to pay off. I knew I would always be saving him. When I did, he said I was putting him in a bad financial position. Signed girlfriend. Fed up playing Mommy. I don't know how anyone could read the story and think you are the a hole. I am so icked out by this story because this person was 12 years your senior and I think there's a general Assumption is that the older you get, the wiser you have to get. And the older you get, frankly, the more financially stable you should be getting. The fact that you were 12 years younger and bailing him out of trouble and he had no plan to pay off that debt, no strategy to get out of a bad situation and you were going to have to drag him out of the mud is honestly, I'm glad you dodged that bullet. Like, I think this is the best case scenario. I'm really sorry that you put $2,000 into paying some of that off. I don't think you're frankly going to get that money back. But I think ultimately this is for the best. The fact that he also didn't volunteer this information and actually just waited for you to find out is a sign of financial infidelity when you are in a relationship, especially as you start to make those bigger life moments of moving in together and like thinking about marriage, there cannot be any financial secrets. It is very much a situation where good, bad or ugly, we gotta talk about it. So I think you dodged a bullet. Fortunately, this worked out in that you were not legally tied to this person, you weren't married, you didn't have any kids. So I would just say be grateful that you got out early and I think karma will end up getting this person. Story number three. Celebrating my 40th with my family and I invited everyone to New Orleans to celebrate. Am I the a hole to ask for my three sisters to split the Airbnb even though it's for my B day trip? We did a sibling trip for my older sister's 40th and she paid for the house, but I can't do that financially. My family seems fine with it, but I feel guilty. Signed crowdfunded Bday Girl, I am so obsessed with your self awareness. The fact that you are even asking this question tells me you are not a financial a hole. You're just in a different financial position from what it sounds like. It just seems like you and your siblings might be in different financial situations and that is normal and okay. Just because your sister could afford to do it doesn't necessarily mean that she had to and it doesn't necessarily mean that you have to. I think that you feeling a little bit guilty about not being able to do that shows awareness, it shows consideration and it shows a deep care for your family. I think it is okay for you to chat with your siblings and say, hey guys, I just wanted to let you know I'm so grateful that you guys are going to be able to split this Airbnb with me. Unfortunately, I'm not in a financial position to cover the whole thing. That said, because it is my birthday, I would like to cover xyz. Maybe it's something smaller. Maybe it's one meal out. Maybe it's a really good brunch together. The expectation is not that you are financially equal to your older sister who was able to pay for the house, but it's just having that level of consideration and also just being appreciative. I'm sure even just saying that means a lot to your family. And it sounds like you're going to have a great birthday trip. Happy 40th and I hope you have a great time. Story four friend wants to plan a three day bachelorette that's expecting to cost $2,500. Am I the asshole for saying that's just too much? She did come to mind, but I purposefully planned it on the cheap. 1k or less. All in. I love her, but it's making me crazy that she sees no issue with this signed bitchy bachelorette. I would just talk to your friend. It is possible that your friend is in a different financial position than you and just doesn't even think about that or realize that it may be outside of your budget but she doesn't know unless you bring it up. And so you're not an a hole, but you need to be the one to force the issue and to have the conversation. What I would say to her is, hey, whatever, your friend's name is super excited for your bachelor. At that said, transparently, $2,500 is not in the budget for me right now. Is there a way that I could still support you that weekend without necessarily going all in on some of these expenses? I don't want to ruin your vision for your special weekend, but if I can't get the budget to xyz, I may have to bow out. I would love to take you out on a night on the town or take you to dinner instead. This allows you to 1 letter make it very clear what your budget is, 2 provide some alternative solutions and 3 really make sure that your financial limitations are not limiting her and her vision. This is a really great way to try to maintain that friendship without putting yourself in a bad financial position. Neither of you are the a hole. You got to talk about it. Story number five My mom is going to leave the house to my brother and I 50 50. I cannot buy my brother out at the moment. I don't have a great job and I'm in debt. My brother is a moody person and will stop talking to me for months or years and come back like nothing happened. I don't trust he won't try to push me out of the house. I live there with my mom because she's getting older and lives alone, plus other financial reasons. I will stay in that house and build my family. I'm stuck with worrying about this for the Next, let's say 20 years. I want a solution now. Signed, fragile inheritance. Okay. Things get really dicey when the word inheritance comes into play, because my guess is that house is the vast majority of what your mom will likely leave behind. However, I think there's value in the fact that you're currently living with your mother and helping to take care of her in her older age and maybe for some medical reasons and your brother isn't doing that. I would ask and have this conversation with your mom and be very clear and just be like, I'm not saying don't leave him anything, but is there a reality where we'd be able to leave me more of the home and he can get more of the cash available? Or is there a way that we could sell the home before this becomes an issue? It's easier to have the conversation now with your mom versus trying to have this conversation later with your brother. And then there's the risk of potentially having to go to court. There's the risk of potentially duking it out, potentially. You know, one of you gets crazy and changes the locks. I don't want that to happen to you. I would say it is your duty now to try and find a better job to get out of that debt, to put yourself in the most financially strong position as possible, to potentially be able to buy him out in, say, 20 years. But there's no use fretting over something that may not happen for decades. That said, I would have the conversation with your mom. You're not an A hole, but I would also work on the relationship with your brother because you guys will need to work together as a financial team to manage this once your mom passes. Story number six. I have a friend that loves to go out to dinner, but will pick the restaurant, order everything on the menu, including alcohol, and then expect to split the bill evenly. For example, lunch for five people was more than $400, and it wasn't even a special occasion. I reluctantly paid my share, but am I the A hole if next time I asked for my own bill or do I decline the invite? Signed, frugal friend. I have Been in this situation so many times, and it drives me insane because I am not a heavy drinker. I more often than not have food allergies that I can't have everything on the table. And so when the bill comes and I didn't eat half of the food or I didn't drink any of the drinks, and suddenly I'm subsidizing everybody's meal, that, like, really frustrates me, especially if it's friends that, like, wouldn't necessarily do that for me. There are friends that I'll just pick up the bill because I can. But you have to know which friend group you're with. A really cool app that you could check out is called Tab. Basically, you can take a photo of the full receipt and then click on the items that you actually participated in, and then it'll divvy up the bill, cross everybody who actually consumed what, and then prorates, tax and tip. I think that if this is not in your budget, you need to make it really clear at the beginning that you want to just cover your own bill and not split evenly. Or frankly, if this person just continues to take advantage of you and you don't really want to be their friend anymore, you don't have to keep going to these meals. I do recognize their social implications of, like, not spending time with this one person because it might ruin your relationship with the rest of the friend group. So I would just say check out an app like Tab or Split Wise so that you can split the bill. But make it very clear in the beginning that you are not going to be touching certain things and thus you don't want to be paying for them. This is not being an a hole. You're not an a hole. It's setting boundaries. Your friend needs to know that maybe you're uncomfortable with doing that. So that is my advice and good luck. My dilemma is that I made a mistake and bought a home in my early 20s with an ex boyfriend. Oh, this is gonna be good. We are now both moved on, married with children. Unfortunately, he still lives in that home that I moved out of because I had to leave him. He refuses to sell the home and he is not getting reapproved to refinance it without my name. So. So now we both own a home together that he and his wife and his child live in. He is very difficult and says that he will go and start the process to try to get the house on its own, but unfortunately it's very annoying. I can't buy anything else because I have that debt in my name. I want to pursue legal action, but I'm not really sure if I have legal action to stand on. I also just want to go to the house since it's mine, and just hang out there and make them leave or want to move. Am I the financial asshole? Signed owning a home with your ex? First and foremost, yes, you absolutely have legal standing to pursue action. You're a co owner on the deed, so you have property rights that can't just be ignored because your ex is being difficult. In particular in New York. Like, I know that you can file what's called a partition lawsuit. This is specifically designed for situations where co owners can't agree on what to do with a property. The court can then order the sale of a home and divide the proceeds based on your ownership percentage. However, I do need to pump the brakes on the hanging out there idea. Even though you're on the deed, showing up to make them uncomfortable could backfire legally and hurt your case. You can't just like, start putting fish guts in the air conditioner and like, try to like, harass them out. It is seen as harassment. And you want to keep the moral high ground here since you'll likely end up in front of a judge. I totally understand though, that this is hurting you financially because the mortgage is counting against your debt to income ratio for any future home purchases or major purchases that you personally might be making. Most lenders want to see a debt to income ratio below 43%, and transparently, I don't know what your current income is, but that existing mortgage payment is probably eating up a huge chunk of what you're qualifying for in your qualifying capacity. So your strongest move is probably the partition lawsuit. Yes, it does involve attorney fees and court costs, but it forces a resolution and likely helps you. The alternative is staying financially stuck indefinitely while he drags his feet. A real estate attorney can walk you through the process and the timeline. And the good news is typically that first consultation is free, so you can get a good assessment of whether or not this makes sense for you to pursue. You are not the a hole. And it does kind of sound like he is.
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Story Number eight My sister always needs help. She just can't keep up a job despite being the smartest person I know. And my dad insists on keeping us financially equal. He has spent $50,000 saving her and then gives me the same amount. So I'm continually getting ahead based on her struggles and and she's still in the red. Am I the a hole for keeping this money? Signed Selfish Sister no, you are not selfish at all. And I love that you're asking this very thoughtful question. What I think your dad is trying to do is make sure that it doesn't feel like he's providing preferential treatment. That said, I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing for you to keep this money. If you want to help your sister, you can also do that. I'm an only child so this doesn't apply to me. But like my husband is one of three financially we are certainly the strongest across his siblings and his parents help his siblings meaningfully more and we don't ask them for anything. We are okay with that. But does that mean that maybe in the current situation she is able to get a little bit more from your dad? And then in the future maybe when inheritance is doled out you get a little bit more? I don't know. It really comes down to having a conversation with your dad. But I don't think you should feel bad that he is providing you the same resources that he is providing her. The only thing Is if you really love your sister, you might also want to like maybe help her out or talk to your dad about like hey, I don't need anything else from you. Really appreciate it. Love the consistency, love the financial equity. But like me and my sister don't need to be equal. It's about being potentially equitable. I am telling you, your dad loves you guys equally and the financial help doesn't necessarily need to be equal. Ultimately the goal is for as many people in your family to be as financially successful as possible because then it will not fall on you in the future. If and when your parents pass, like to keep supporting your sister. So you want her to be in a financially stable position. So maybe it's a conversation about how to make this a little bit more equitable versus equal. But no, you're not an a hole. You're actually a really loving sister. Story number nine I have about $130,000 sitting in my bank account that I haven't done anything with in many years. What should I do? Signed riddled by lack of halal investment options. Okay, well lucky for you I actually have an option for you. This isn't even an aita. This is just you asking a question which is fine, I'll answer it. So for the Islamic community there is something that is prohibited called riba which is essentially usury. In many cases it's interest. So what that means is like or ill gotten gains that exploit other people. So with investing, people who are Muslim oftentimes have to focus on investments that don't provide interest, they provide just capital gains. But an app that does this pretty well is called Wahed or Zoya. There's two different apps, Wahed and Zoya both provide robo advisor options that are only selecting Sharia compliant investments. So I would look into that because no matter who you are, I think you should be investing. Story number 10 help boyfriend of one year plus and I are about to move in. We're in our mid-30s. He tells me his ex left him and spent a lot of money on credit cards that he co signed on. They ended up in collections and it hurt his credit. He told me he had it all sorted but when I asked to see his credit report it says still look like a mess score in the low 500s. Four accounts and collections. Not crazy amounts but still. Come on, grow up. Four credit cards with balances, same story and a loan taken out at the end of the last year. I feel bamboozled and blindsided. What do I do? Put off moving in together and things try and work through. I'm at a loss and feel so upset, disappointed, etc. Am I overreacting? He's acted like money is no issue the entire time we've been together. Signed at a crossroads. Oh, I want to give you a hug. I am so sorry that this is happening and you're finding out this way. This is a big issue. The fact that he told you everything was all good to go when it very clearly was not is a red flag for me. I am also very much of the camp that like you can date people with debt but they better have a plan to pay it off. And it sounds like he's not really actively trying to fix this situation for me. At a minimum, I would put off moving in together. You guys are only together for about a year. It doesn't seem like marriage is on the horizon yet. But moving in really is the first step. And if you do get a lease together, you will be financially linked. I would not want to be financially linked to someone whose financial situation is so precarious. That said, if you love this person, I don't think you need to end things. But I'm going to need to see some real improvement. I'm going to need to see some real action, some real change for him to work through this and for you guys to get to move on. But otherwise, if in, you know, if you don't move in together in six months time, things aren't better. And frankly maybe three months time things aren't better. I wouldn't stay in this relationship. I'm really sorry you're not an a hole. But he is for trying to hide this story. Number 11 hubs and I make great money but my single mom is terrible with money and has no retirement savings, equity emergency fund or any other safety net. I try to talk to her about my concerns that I'm going to have to support her someday as an only child. She gets pissed and offended every time. How do I handle this knowing it's going to affect my family when she can't support herself due to age or medical conditions in the future? Especially when she still getting her nails done, buying new cars and other wasteful things? Ugh. Signed resentful daughter. Let me tell you, it sucks to know that your parents retirement plan is you because you didn't ask to be born. You didn't ask to take on that obligation. That is really frustrating. I'm wondering why she gets pissed and offended. Is it more of a shame thing or does she not want you managing her Money. You sound like a very kind person who isn't going to abandon your mother in a time of need. But this is untenable. Like, you are going to have so much resentment built up over the next couple of years as she gets older, if she does not handle her money right. I think you're also going to have to set really, really clear boundaries. Mom, this is what I can provide for you, but past that, it's not, it's not available to me. Like, I can't sink my own financial ship trying to lift you up. I would talk to her a little bit more about the spending that's currently happening, why she has chosen not to save for retirement, see if there's anything possible. But at the end of the day, you have to make the right decision for your family because supporting her might mean to the detriment of your partner, to your children, to you. And that's. That's very challenging. I'm really sorry I don't have a great answer here. There are going to be arguments, there are going to be hurt feelings. You are going to need to set boundaries and say, this is what I'm going to be able to provide you and not a dollar more. And if you can't get it together, then you're going to have a really rude awakening when things start to break down, when you need to retire. Question number 12. With job markets being so erratic and volatile, is investing in a postgrad degree that costs a hundred thousand dollars worth it? Schools can't keep up with the AI changes either. Am I a dumbass to sink so much time and money for a degree that isn't paying for itself? With so much free AI content and education materials online, which industry is safe? Signed, disillusioned, broke MBA student. This isn't necessarily an AITA question, but more so a philosophical one. I am personally of the camp that unless you need certain connections or you're going to an MBA program that is going to provide you certain connections, the actual education usually is not worth it. And I say that as someone who has multiple friends who went to Harvard Business School, UChicago's Booth Business School, like some of the best MBA programs in the country, the thing that they got out of the program wasn't necessarily the schooling. It was always, oh, I found a co founder there, or oh, I made a connection with this person which ended up getting me this job. It was never. I took this really, really great class that I learned so much and like, they like really didn't. So I would say if you're trying to pure play and get a better job, an MBA may not be worth it. If you are trying to use it as a way to network and get yourself into an industry that you currently don't have access to, it could still make sense. At the end of the day, there are certain jobs where you will need to have three letters after your name to even level up. So for example, my friend who went to business school was a consultant. Her consulting firm actually paid for her MBA after she graduated. Like when she graduated, she had to go back and do a certain number of years at that company, but that was her way to level up. Some industries, you don't need it. So I would ask yourself, do you need the MBA to keep going up in that career? Are you trying to pivot careers and industries? And will an MBA provide you the network to do so? And three why exactly did you actually go back for this? Is it because you wanted to get into a different space or is it because you really wanted two years off from working and to feel like you were being productive? Because that's what a lot of my friends wanted and they wanted to party for two years and not feel bad about it and then it just ended up becoming a very expensive experience. So I would say in some cases a post grad degree can be worth it, but it's more rare than people make it out to be, Unfortunately. Story number 13 I opened a Chase Business credit card without asking my first friend for a referral and he got very upset at me. This friend said he was just bummed that free points weren't taken advantage of, but then brought this up again six months later when he got upset with me for something else and decided to take that opportunity to remind me of other times I'd wronged him. Signed ex friend. Your friend is a financial a hole. Your decision to get a credit card is not for your friend's financial benefit. I can't believe that they would bring it up six months later. Like you need to like get a hobby. That's weird. That is so strange. I am so glad that you are ex friends with this person. It seems like they are incredibly opportunistic and really see you as a way to make money or churn points or get free things versus an actual friend that they respect and just want the best for. As someone who has a referral code for literally every single product out there, I don't force my friends to use my codes. That's weird because I just want better for you financially. Whether or not it improves my financial standing. That's strange. Incredibly strange. Weird behavior. I'm so glad that you are not friends with this person anymore. You are not the financial a hole they are. That was a doozy. Every time I think I've gotten all the good stories from the besties, I get even more insane ones. Major thanks to everybody who submitted. As always, remember to talk about money, whether it leads to a failed relationship or just an uncomfortable conversation. We need to be talking about money more because the more open and honest we are with each other, the stronger our relationships and friendships will be. If your partner won't talk about money with you, that's a red flag. If your friend won't talk about money with you, even in the most basic sense, that's a red flag. So this is your friendly reminder to have the awkward conversation today because it could save you a lot of heartache and headache in the future. I love you guys and I'll catch you next week. Bye. Thanks for tuning into this week's episode of Net Worth and Chill, part of the Vox Media Podcast Network. If you liked the episode, make sure to leave a rating and review. Review and subscribe so you never miss an episode. Got a burning financial question that you want covered in a future episode? Write to us via podcastorrichbff.com follow Net Worth and Chillpod on Instagram to stay up to date on all podcast related news and you can follow me at yourrichbff for even more financial know how. See you next week. Bye.
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Thanks again to Amazon for supporting this episode. Whether you're trying to stay on top of your everyday essentials or on the
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hunt for an unexpected need, you'll probably
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find it on Amazon, probably for cheaper, so you can spend less money on markups and more on the weekend getaways and bucket list trips that make it all worth it. Shop Amazon and save on Essentials. Save the everyday.