Episode Overview

Podcast: New Books Network
Host: Dr. Christina Gessler
Guest: Dr. Valerie Tiberius
Episode Title: What Do You Want Out of Life? A Philosophical Guide to Figuring Out What Matters
Date: October 23, 2025

This episode delves into Dr. Valerie Tiberius’s accessible philosophical exploration of how we can figure out what matters in our lives, as presented in her book What Do You Want Out of Life?. Dr. Tiberius and Dr. Gessler discuss the complexities of values, goals, internal conflicts, and the ongoing process of making meaning amid change. The conversation is rich with real-world examples, philosophical reflections, and practical guidance for engaging with personal values and societal challenges.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Beginnings: Dr. Tiberius’ Journey into Philosophy

• Background and Academic Path ([01:41])
  • Dr. Tiberius shares her upbringing in a highly educated household and her early exposure to philosophical thinking.
  • Her passion for philosophy was ignited during her first course at university, feeling “like a fish being returned to the water.”
    • “I took my first Introduction to Philosophy class... and it just felt like a fish being returned to the water.” – Tiberius ([02:36])
  • Despite originally being unsure about what to study, she gravitated naturally toward philosophy, with a secondary focus in environmental studies due to practical concerns about the job market.

2. Challenges in Academic Philosophy

• Alienation and Gender Dynamics ([05:31])
  • Philosophy’s argumentative style could be harsh and combative, often prioritizing “winning” over collaborative truth-seeking.
  • Early on, Tiberius encountered competitive, adversarial conversations, especially with male peers.
  • “I did not like the situations where I got into these heated arguments where it really did seem like the point was beating up the other person.” – Tiberius ([05:56])
  • She describes how feminist philosophers and a greater inclusion of women have helped shift the discipline towards more inclusive, collaborative approaches.

3. Living with Conflict

• Conflicts as a Feature of Life ([12:58])
  • Tiberius emphasizes that living a meaningful and purposeful life means inevitably facing conflicts between various goals and values.
  • The book highlights how we cannot satisfy all values or goals at once, leading to necessary deliberation and compromise.

4. Book Origins and Writing Process

• Motivation and Family Influence ([14:09])
  • Encouraged by her psychologist father, Tiberius sought to make her philosophical ideas more accessible.
  • The act of writing, especially during the pandemic, became a way to stay connected with her father and process contemporary events.
  • “I basically wrote the book in the pandemic and I was sending… pages and asking, what do you think about this?” – Tiberius ([14:09])
  • She notes how challenging it was to shift from academic writing to communicating with a public audience, with her father's honest (sometimes critical) feedback being crucial.

5. Sexism, Society, and Philosophy

• Unintentional Themes ([20:27])
  • Despite not setting out to write a book about sexism, Tiberius found herself addressing it due to her experiences in the field and societal events.
  • She observes how dominant philosophical narratives often revolve around the ambitions and crises of (white, male) “great men,” which didn’t resonate with her history or that of many others.

6. Navigating Change and Uncertainty

• No Magic Age for Wisdom ([24:29])
  • Tiberius articulates that change is continual, and there’s no specific age when life’s answers fully settle.
  • The events of 2022—pandemic, social upheaval after George Floyd’s murder—prompted her to think more deeply about how to find anchors during turbulent times.
  • “It was definitely a surprise early on. And it’s becoming less surprising the older I get. My mom… says the same thing… you're never sort of done.” ([24:29])

7. The Central Role of Relationships

• Values Anchored in Community ([27:59])
  • The pandemic’s isolation and the George Floyd tragedy highlighted the fundamental importance of relationships and ethical connection.
  • Friendships, family, and community ties are repeatedly shown to be crucial for happiness and personal well-being, supported by psychological research.

8. Making Philosophy Accessible

• Roadmap and Real-World Analogies ([31:47])
  • Tiberius intentionally avoids the “philosopher’s crouch”—overly defensive or qualified writing—for accessible storytelling.
  • She employs metaphors—like her beagle’s single-minded pursuit of belly rubs—to distinguish the simplicity of animal goals from the complex goal and value conflicts of humans.
  • “Goals are everywhere and they’re at many, many different levels of generality. Values are more complicated.” – Tiberius ([36:55])

9. Understanding Goals vs. Values

• Definitions and Nuances ([36:55])
  • Goals: Desired states we aim for, ranging from immediate (flossing, drinking water) to lifelong ambitions.
  • Values: A special kind of goal—deeply important, emotionally resonant, and influential in planning and judgment.
  • Values are not always fully conscious; we often need reflection to uncover the “texture” or specific manifestations of those values.

10. Hidden Values and Internal Conflicts

• Unexamined Assumptions ([42:20], [47:07])
  • Drawing from literature (e.g., Pride and Prejudice), Tiberius illustrates how people can hold values they’re unaware of, or misunderstand their own values due to social or psychological blind spots.
  • “Most of what’s happening in our minds is not subject to conscious attention at any moment.” ([47:07])
  • Therapy, friendship, and dialogue are valuable for uncovering these hidden drivers.

11. Conflict Management as a Path to Meaning

• Ongoing Calibration ([50:13])
  • Tiberius frames the process of examining and negotiating between values and goals as central to living “the good life.”
  • She introduces the importance of confronting internalized oppression and social injustices in the context of personal value fulfillment.
  • Emphasizes that one’s value system can never be perfectly harmonious, but through continual reassessment, we can minimize conflicts.

12. The Primacy of Social Relationships in Values

• Why People Matter Most ([56:53])
  • Valuing relationships is presented not only as universal but also as key to creating a more coherent value system.
  • Relationships are “a good strategy for a goal-seeking organism to highlight those goals that help the whole system… help success in the whole system.” ([56:53])
  • Positive social connections reinforce other values (health, fun, learning).

13. Practical Tools for Value Discovery

• Strategies in the Book ([59:42])
  • Tiberius lists four main tools to help readers clarify their values:
    • Introspection
    • The lab rat strategy (testing oneself in different situations)
    • Learning from others (social modeling, feedback)
    • Exploration (trying new experiences)
  • The book is not a prescriptive self-help manual but a philosophical framework for reflection and self-understanding.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “I wrote this paper for the seminar where I said, you know, we're philosophers. We're supposed to be interested in truth. But from my point of view, it seems like the truth is secondary to winning and proving your argumentative superiority.” – Tiberius ([05:56])
• “A life well lived… is going to necessarily have conflicts. We can't meet all of our goals at the same time without examining them.” – Gessler ([12:58])
• “I think relationships with other human beings are extremely valuable for us… I'm a little concerned about that being forgotten because I don't think we can forget it for long. I think it will come back to get us if we don't pay it enough conscious attention.” – Tiberius ([60:57])
• “The only way to eliminate conflict completely in your life, this value conflict or goal conflict, would be to live a very boring life in which you only have one goal…” – Tiberius ([62:34])

Important Timestamps

• [01:41] – Dr. Tiberius’ background and journey into philosophy
• [05:56] – Experiences with debate culture and gendered challenges in philosophy
• [12:58] – The inevitability of conflict in living a purposeful life
• [14:09] – Why and how the book was written for a broad audience
• [20:27] – How sexism and social context inform discussions of values
• [24:29] – The myth of reaching a “magic age” of wisdom
• [27:59] – The influence of 2022 events (pandemic, George Floyd) on the book’s themes
• [31:47] – Making philosophical writing accessible; the “philosopher’s crouch”
• [36:55] – Distinguishing between values and goals, using everyday metaphors
• [42:55] – Example from Pride and Prejudice to explain hidden values
• [47:07] – The psychology of hidden goals and values
• [56:53] – The crucial importance of relationships and social values
• [59:42] – Methods for identifying and developing values
• [60:57] – Modern challenges: Technology, losing sight of human relationships
• [62:34] – Embracing conflict as unavoidable, prioritizing what matters most

Flow, Tone, and Takeaway

This episode is thoughtful, personal, and richly illustrative, blending philosophical depth with warmth and accessibility. Dr. Tiberius advocates for continual, honest self-examination and openness to conflict as an integral part of growth. She warns against the dangers of isolation and technological substitutes for real relationships, emphasizing the enduring value of community and human connection. The frameworks and stories shared invite listeners to reflect on their own goals and values—not to judge them, but to better understand and harmonize the complex tapestry of a meaningful life.

Final Reflections

What does Dr. Tiberius hope listeners take away?

• Conflict is inescapable in a meaningful life; the only way to fully avoid it is to lead a “very boring life.”
• The first step to navigating life’s conflicts is clarifying what matters most, to avoid sacrificing the essential for the trivial.
• Above all, the importance of human relationships—and the ongoing work of connecting honestly with ourselves and others.

“I hope that the framework of thinking—that conflict isn’t avoidable, that it’s kind of a natural part of life… that the first step is to really be clear about which things matter the most.”
– Dr. Valerie Tiberius ([62:34])