She Chose Her Mother's Coffin With Her Newborn in the Next Room

A brief note: this episode includes the death of Jessica's mum from cancer during Teddy's first year, and a hospital stay for Teddy shortly after. It's heavy in places — but told with real warmth, and it ends somewhere good.

Jessica brought Teddy home five days after his birth, straight into a household COVID exposure that saw her evacuated to her brother's for a week. It set the tone. Over the following eight months, her mum's cancer — held at bay through years of chemo — stopped responding. On Christmas Day, watching Teddy on his new swing, her mum said she was done.

Nine days later she was gone. Jessica went from choosing her mother's coffin to planning eulogies with her five-month-old in the next room — and that same night, drove Teddy to hospital with a UTI, still in her funeral clothes. She calls it, only half-joking, the worst run she's ever had.

What carries the second half of this conversation isn't the hardship — it's what Jessica does with it. A letter her mum left her says three words: look for the joy. It's tattooed on her arm now, in her mum's handwriting. She talks about grief and gratitude sitting in the same two hands, her dad's daily role in getting Teddy to daycare, and why — for now — she's landed on one and done.

In this episode:

Bringing Teddy home into a COVID household exposure, five days postpartum, and being evacuated to her brother's for a week
Her mum's decline over Teddy's first eight months, and choosing to stop active treatment on Christmas Day
Choosing her mother's coffin with her newborn in the next room
Teddy's hospital admission for a UTI the night of the funeral
Why "look for the joy" — her mum's own words — is tattooed on her arm
Going back to work at six and a half months, and needing the distraction
Her dad's daily role — early starts, daycare drop-offs, and finding purpose in it too
The second embryo still in storage, and why she's landed on "one and done"
Her message to Teddy for his 21st birthday, and her advice for anyone considering this path

Key Takeaways

You can hold joy and grief in the same two hands at the same time — becoming a mum and losing a parent aren't mutually exclusive experiences
Letting grandparents help in practical, daily ways gives them purpose too, not just support to you
Going back to work early isn't a failure of bonding — sometimes it's what makes you a better, more present parent
"One and done" is a considered decision, not a consolation prize
The advice that gets you through 3am isn't always a professional — it's a Facebook group full of people asking the same question you're too embarrassed to ask

This episode is brought to you by City Fertility

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