← Noche de Pendejadas with Alannized
Noche de Pendejadas with Alannized
Jackie Calderon Talk All: Toxic Childhood, Speaking Up, Pregnancy, Motherhood, CHISME & MORE!!
01:04:00
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- [00:00]
A
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- [00:30]
B
So as I walk into the nurse's office, there's two police officers and that scared me even more. I'm like, okay, I didn't commit a crime. Like, why is there police officers here?
- [00:54]
A
What is up, everyone? I'm your host, Alan Ice, and this is Noche de Pindejadas, your favorite podcast turn talk show in the. So without any further ado, please help me welcome my guest tonight, Jackie Calderon. Hello. I'm good.
- [01:22]
B
How are you?
- [01:23]
A
You're a little shy. Yes. The shyness. Are you naturally, like, shy?
- [01:36]
B
Yes, all the time.
- [01:37]
A
Like, just in general all the time. You're like, all right, What has your day been like? Getting ready for today? And how was the driving from far away?
- [01:53]
B
So I started getting my hair and my makeup done around 12, and then I was done around 2:30. I left at 3, and then I got here at 5. No, at 6:02, I think. So I drove for like two and a half hours. It was so no, you guys, when.
- [02:08]
A
We were planning this, I was like, oh my God, girl, like, I don't even know if you want to drive that far, huh? But we were going back and forth. You guys. I thought you lived, like, super close. Like, I thought for some reason you lived like, in la. For those watching at home.
- [02:28]
B
Hi, my name is Jackie Calderon. I am 24 years old. I am a mommy to my beautiful baby girl, Lena Jane. And I also am a content creator. I mostly post tiktoks. I do a lot of get ready with me story times, mommy videos and trends. So just a little bit of everything.
- [02:44]
A
You know what video I love that you, like, sold me something that I was like, you know what? Like, I shouldn't be buying it, but chinga somadre bought it. The faja video I love.
- [02:52]
B
Yes.
- [02:53]
A
Those are so good. Like, I swear to God, when that came on my for you page, I was like, yo, NATO sa pinchifaca.
- [02:58]
B
Is it the ones where I'm like, holding.
- [03:00]
A
You're literally holding your whole stomach and you're like, do you want to get rid of this? Because I feel like it's really important with us knowing a Little bit more about your upbringing. Tell us a little bit more. Comora, Jackie, growing up, what kind of child were you? Were you the loud child? Were you the outgoing child? And what was your childhood like growing up?
- [03:23]
B
I've heard my mom tell me that I was a really, like, loud, talkative and bubbly child. And I was an only child for five years. I have a younger sister, she's 19, I'm 24, so we're five years apart. For five years I was an only child, so I got to see what that was like. But I don't really remember much of it because I was so young. But I do remember that when my mom told me that I was pregnant, apparently I said something along the lines of, I don't want to have a sister, I want to throw her in the trash. Me? Why?
- [03:48]
A
Because you were so used to getting everything.
- [03:50]
B
Maybe I just was so spoiled and I got everything that I wanted, I guess. So when I heard, like, I'm going to have a sister, I was like, no. I feel like I always got everything that I wanted. I never, like, got to see, like, oh, my parents are struggling or anything like that. My dad has always been like a really, like, amazing provider. He's always worked and made sure that we have everything that we needed and wanted. My mom was always a stay at home mom, so she would take care of us, clean the house, make sure we were doing good in school and all things like that.
- [04:17]
A
What were hobbies that you liked doing growing up?
- [04:19]
B
I was like one of those kids who really liked to like, do puzzles or like, do like those educational games and use, like, those type of toys. Like, I don't know, it's kind of weird. Like, I liked reading books, like your favorite book as a child, the Caterpillar book. The Hungry. I think it's the Hungry Caterpillar. I love that book.
- [04:34]
A
But that was like, very like, what about Yakwan? That you got a little bit older. Like, what was like something that you loved reading growing up.
- [04:40]
B
Oh, I really liked, like the Diary of the Wimpy Kid books. Yeah, I always liked reading those. I don't know, maybe because they were in like actual chapter books. I didn't like chapter books at all.
- [04:47]
A
But you were more of just like the pictures.
- [04:49]
B
Yeah.
- [04:51]
A
You don't like reading. You like seeing magazines. What was your relationship with your parents like growing up? Do you feel like you were more of like a mommy's girl, a daddy's girl? What was that relationship like growing up?
- [05:02]
B
I was definitely more of a mommy's girl just because my mom was always at home, and my dad, he would go to work in the morning and wouldn't come back till dinner time. So I was just, like, naturally closer to my mom. And I still am closer to my mom, but that, like, that kind of makes me a little bit sad because I'm like, damn. Like, my parents are just getting older and older, and I don't really have, like, a relationship with my dad like that.
- [05:20]
A
Yeah.
- [05:20]
B
And I'm always, like, thinking, like, I might regret it. Like, what if something happens one day? And, like, I regret not being so close to him.
- [05:29]
A
You know? Your parents growing up were very toxic, and they were constantly fighting a lot. Growing up? What was that like growing up? Quez lo que bibistes. And how do you feel like, that affected you growing up?
- [05:42]
B
Yeah. So growing up, I feel like, like, I mentioned my parents, like, made sure that we had everything, like, if we needed food, toys, clothes, all of that food. But I feel like they didn't really focus on, like, the emotional parts of it. So for a while, or still now, like, my parents have never. I feel like they've never really, like, loved each other in a way. Like, maybe they just got along or they just stayed together because they had kids, but I feel like they were just always, constantly fighting. And I know I said that my dad wasn't home for most of the time, but when he would come home, that's when, like, they would start arguing and fighting.
- [06:11]
A
Do you remember, like, a time where they, like, got, like, in a big fight and you were, like, stuck in between it?
- [06:16]
B
I feel like that would happen all the time. Like, especially when I was, like, old enough to understand what was going on. I remember my dad would often ask me, like, oh, like, do you see what's going on? Like, who do you think is right? And I'm just there like, I'm a kid, like 10. Like, why are you putting me. Yeah. And I would just, like, stand there awkwardly, and he'd be like, say something. Say something. And I'm like, I don't know. Like, this isn't my business, you know?
- [06:36]
A
How would that make you feel? Like, did you ever kind of tell your parents, like, it's not my business. You guys figure it out or you kind of. They're like, oh, you know what? Maybe you are right.
- [06:46]
B
I feel like when it was both of them, like, fighting right in front of me, I would try to avoid it as much as possible. But then, like, behind the scenes, like, when my mom would talk to me to be like, oh, yeah, I'm on your side. And then when my dad's talking to me, I'm like, yeah, I understand what you're saying. So I'm just there, like, being tossed around, like, I don't even know what's going on. And like, at this point, my sister is so young, so she doesn't know anything. Like, so they're just picking me to be in the middle of everything. When I think about my childhood, like, instead of focusing on, like, the good, like, memories, I think mostly about, like, the traumatic ones, like, my parents fighting and like, what it would cause.
- [07:15]
A
I feel like as kids, you know, we don't realize, you know, how not normal that is, you know, because it's like, oh, well, everyone does this. I'm sure everyone's parents, or I'm sure everyone lives this way. Do you remember, like, the moment where you realized, like, oh, you know what? Like, not everyone's parents are this toxic or not everyone's parents are constantly fighting as much as yours?
- [07:38]
B
Well, yeah, there was, like, a lot of times where, like, my parents, my dad would get really upset at my mom, and then I would be caught into the middle of it. And if I ever did anything that was, like, wrong or that he didn't, like, he would, like, take his anger out on me. So there was like, a lot of instances where I guess when I was a kid, I was kind of like a picky eater, which I feel like is pretty normal for a child. But I guess I would cry and be like, I don't want to eat this. And then my dad would get so upset, he'd like, lock me in the bathroom. And I say, lock me. Because in reality, I could open the door, but I'm like, I'm so little. I'm not thinking about that. I'm just in there, like, crying and crying. So I'd have to be in there until I would, like, stop crying. And then he'd let me out. So it's just stuff like that where I was like, thinking that that's normal. Right. And then when I realized that it wasn't normal was when I started, like, going over to my friends houses and then I'd see their parents, like, hugging each other, kissing each other. And I'm like, my parents don't do that.
- [08:28]
A
Yeah.
- [08:29]
B
Or like, their parents are so encouraging, and they're like, oh, come here, let's hug each other, like all this. And I'm like, my parents don't even do that to me.
- [08:36]
A
Like, what are your parents act at least like that when your friends would go over where they also be, like, you know, they might last or maybe, like, not even talking to each other.
- [08:43]
B
I feel like it was mostly them not talking to each other. They would just ignore each other.
- [08:47]
A
How did that affect you growing up? Our parents, I feel like, are like our role models growing up. Right. Like, growing up until we're old enough to really realize things that we see and put our parents on a pedestal. Do you feel like for a long time, maybe growing up when you were dating, you felt like that was the way people should love you? And maybe you felt like, oh, you know what? Like, if a man treats me this way, it's okay because that's how my parents were. Did it affect you in that way?
- [09:14]
B
Yeah, I feel like it really, like, put, like, the expectations super low because I didn't realize, like, how a man should be treating a woman. So growing up, since my parents weren't giving me, like, that love that I wanted, I feel like it kind of led to me, like, looking for it and getting into a relationship super young. So I feel like that really affected it. And then when I was in that relationship and it was super toxic and, like, I feel like I didn't know any better.
- [09:38]
A
Yeah.
- [09:38]
B
So I just thought, oh, this is normal. This is how all relationships are. Like, the yelling is normal, the fighting is normal, them dropping you off in the middle of the road and, like, leaving is normal. Things like that.
- [09:47]
A
Do you feel like growing up in that environment almost created sense of fear, anxiety, or almost like, oh, shit, like, when is the next fight going to go down? Do you feel like that, Victoria, where you were always like, oh, my God, I hope, like, everything goes good today, or, oh, my God, what are they going to fight about today?
- [10:05]
B
Yeah, I feel like I was very, like, much on edge all the time. I remember, like, this specific time. And it's actually really funny because I'll, like, tell my mom about it. I'm like, do you remember this and that? And she's like, I don't remember. And I'm like, I remember. Like, it's traumatizing. There was this one time where we were in the car. My parents were in the front. I was in the back in my car seat. I don't know how old I was, but I'm thinking I was like six or seven. But, like, actually I think I might have been, like six or seven years old. And I just remember my parents started arguing. Arguing. And we weren't anywhere close to home. We were maybe like 30 minutes from our house. And I just remember they started arguing. And then my dad was, like, telling my mom to get out of the car. And her being my mom, she was like, I'm not getting out without Jackie. Because my dad was mad.
- [10:49]
A
Yeah.
- [10:49]
B
So I'm pretty sure she was worried, like, I'm not gonna let him, like, leave with my child. I don't know what's gonna happen. So I remember she got me out of the car, and then we were basically stranded at that point. She was like, oh, there's a restaurant right there. Maybe we can go and ask if we can use their phone to call someone to pick us up. As we were walking, my dad did come back, and then we got into the car, and I remember he put his hand, like, back to reach my hand, and he was like, I promise I'm never going to do that again. And I was like, oh, okay. Like, he's apologizing. He's never going to do it again. But I feel like that really, like, messed me up just because I trusted it. And then things just kept happening and happening and happening.
- [11:20]
A
Do you feel like it also affected the way you navigated maybe problems growing up? Like, do you feel like, because you saw that constantly, like, in your home life, you became a child, that maybe in a time you were like, oh, if someone has a problem, like, it's going to go straight to fighting? Or were you more because you suffered that you were more like. Like, would you let yourself get almost stepped on? How do you feel like that affected you later on in the way you navigated problems?
- [11:46]
B
I feel like I very much still, like, I hold all of my problems in, and then there's a point where I just, like, I break and I can't hold them in anymore, and I just lash out. I think that's, like, pretty bad, but, like, I'm trying to fix it, but it's hard because, like, that's all I'm used to, just, like, hiding in my emotions. Because obviously I wouldn't tell my parents how they made me feel. So I was just holding everything in, and I feel like that just became the normal. I feel like I was very much, like, to myself. Like, I would try to just, like, avoid being around my parents, so I would, like, play my games, do my own thing. Or, like, when my sister, like, was old enough to play with me, we would play together, just kind of doing things where my parents weren't involved.
- [12:22]
A
Did it ever get to a point where, like, growing up, you maybe, like, spoke to your parents, like, hey, you know what, like, growing up in that environment or, like, the way you guys would treat yourselves really affected me. Have you ever, like, told them about that?
- [12:33]
B
I tell my mom. Mostly I do tell her. I'm like, why didn't you guys just get a divorce or leave each other? And she was just explaining to me at that time. I guess she felt like we needed our dad in our lives and if they did anything, like a divorce or anything, that he wouldn't be in our lives anymore. She thought that it was just best to thug it out, see if maybe he would change.
- [12:54]
A
As you got older, did you ever have a moment where you realized you're like, you know what? I don't want this for myself. What were things that maybe you did to break the cycle, or do you feel like.
- [13:06]
B
I feel like I still am very much struggling with it, but one thing that I've been, like, focusing on is just, like, trying to just, like, keep peace within myself. So just, like, taking everything one step at a time and just making sure that I'm not, like, getting too carried away or doing, like, too much at a time. Just, like, making sure that my emotions are, like, very much regulated. Just because I feel like when I was growing up, like, everything was kind of, like, chaotic when they were fighting, and I just had, like, so many emotions. So I feel like now I just try to be like, okay, if I'm feeling sad, let's see why I'm feeling sad, or if I'm feeling angry, why and how can I fix it and stuff like that, instead of just, like, holding it all in and trying to, like, wait for that moment where I just break and, like, I lash out at someone because I've done that before. Like, I'll be holding everything in. Then there's a point where somebody upsets me or they make me mad, and then I just, like, lash out on them, like, really bad. And then I end up feeling horrible because I'm like, you didn't deserve that.
- [13:56]
A
And I feel like that's very valid because I feel like I feel like I keep my emotions and just my feelings to myself. Like, I can. My boyfriend could sit me down. He's like, how are you feeling? And I'll be like, fine. Even though. Even if I'm feeling like. Or even when things irk me about certain people, I'm very good at, like, you know what? It's not that big of a deal. Like, I'm not gonna get mad. But then it gets to a point, like you said, I bottle it all up, and then I'm like, no. Yes. And I'm like, oh, my God, I'm so bad. I'm so fucking bad.
- [14:26]
B
I'm like, where did I even come from? Like, I don't even mean these things, but they just come out.
- [14:30]
A
What piece of advice can you give? You know, someone watching that is currently in a situation like yours and that feels that maybe things won't get better at home?
- [14:37]
B
I think I would probably just tell them to just try to avoid those situations and try to keep to themselves and not focus too much on it. Don't let it ruin your day. Because I know when I was going through that, I felt like, oh, my God, my parents are going to be fighting forever and forever. And I just felt like this is going to be my whole entire life, and then when I grow up, I'm going to be doing the same thing with my partner. So I feel like I would just say just take it one step at a time. And sooner or later, there's going to be a point where you're going to get the chance to. Either you can tell your parents, you can get the courage to talk to your parents, or you'll be able to, like, leave that situation yourself. And then when you have your own family, you're going to be able to, like, set the right example.
- [15:16]
A
You know, I want to talk about something a little bit more vulnerable, that at 12 years old, Que. Que te cambio la vida para siempre. If you feel comfortable. What was, you know, your reaction after the first time it happened? Did you realize what was really going on, or was it something later on?
- [15:39]
B
At 12 years old, I was sexually assaulted by someone in my family at the time. This was somebody that I trusted and I loved as a family member. We would always hang out and we would go, like, places like, oh, let's go to Hollywood. Let's go get ice cream. Let's go shopping. So we had a really close relationship, and I never thought that they would do anything like that to me until there was this one night where. Well, let me give a little bit more context. This person lived in our house. They had their own room. I had my own room, and my parents had their own room, and my sister did, too. So we all had our own rooms. And there was this one night where they came into my room, and I would always leave my door unlocked. I didn't feel like there was any need to lock it. So they came into my room, and I just remember that they started touching me inappropriately in my private areas. And as they were Doing that, I just kind of like laid there and I froze. And I always beat myself up over this because I'm like, my parents, they're right across.
- [16:42]
A
Yeah.
- [16:43]
B
All I had to do was yell. But when I tell you, like, I tried and it was just like nothing was coming out of my mouth. So I just laid there and like, I.
- [16:53]
A
It's okay.
- [16:54]
B
I just laid there. And after he was done, he told me to get off the bed. And I, like, even till now, I'm like, I don't know why I listened. I could have, like, my parents could have saved me, but I didn't yell. And then that's when he told me to get off the bed. He pulled his pants down and then he. He pulled his pants down and then he told me to put his private part in my mouth. And then after he was done, he just was about to walk away. And then he turned and he was like, don't tell anyone or I'm going to do it to somebody else. And this really scared me because I was like, that's only two people, my mom and my sister. So ever since that happened, I didn't say anything for three years. And I just remember right after that happened, I went back, I laid in my bed and I just was crying the whole night. And every time I think about that situation, I can just remember, like, I remember looking out the window and the light was on. I don't know why, but that always like sticks out to me. Just the window and the light.
- [18:01]
A
Did it happen multiple times or was it just like a one time thing?
- [18:04]
B
No, it only happened once.
- [18:06]
A
What was it like, you know, el saber que pasas de esporesto and still having and seeing this person, you know, in your home. What was it like carrying with this secret at just 12 years old?
- [18:18]
B
It was really hard for me. The worst part was that I shared a birthday with this person. So for the longest time, I hated my birthday. Like every time my birthday would come up, I had to act so happy, pretend like everything was fine. But we like, you know how Hispanic families, they always like, oh, if somebody has the same birthday, they make it something big.
- [18:38]
A
They do it together, like two cakes and everything.
- [18:40]
B
Yes. For a couple of years, I just hated my birthday. I dreaded that day and it was just like so hard for me. And then I would have to act like this person did nothing because I'm telling you, like, I was so scared after they said, I'm gonna do. I might do it to like your mom or your sister. And I was like, that's like, I didn't want that to happen. My sister was so little. Like, obviously, I'm not gonna want someone to hurt my sister. And I was scared, so I didn't say anything. I didn't tell my parents. I didn't tell anybody. There was a lot of times where I, like, me and my mom would be alone and be like, this is the perfect time. But I would get so scared. I don't know why I let it, like, scare me so so much. Like, now that I think about it, I'm like, if I would have said something, I'm pretty sure he wasn't going to be able to do what he told me he was going to do. But at that time, like, it was scary. I mean, I was 12 years old.
- [19:26]
A
After it happened, did he ever bring it up again, or was it just something like.
- [19:31]
B
Yeah, he just acted like nothing happened. And then I had to act like nothing happened. And that's how we just, like, kept going. And I would see him every day because he lived there. So I saw him every day until I was 14. That's when we moved, and then he didn't move with us.
- [19:48]
A
You know, you finally had the courage to open up and talk to someone about what was going on. Cuenta no poquito maze es. So what led to you wanting to tell someone? Who did you tell? How did they react? Y que paso de espues?
- [20:03]
B
So, like, I had mentioned, I had that habit of, like, holding in all of my emotions. And I just remember I was a freshman in high school, and at the time, I had a boyfriend who I had been with since seventh grade. So I was a freshman. And at that time, like, there was some days where I would just have really bad days, and it would just consist of me being, like, in a bad mood, feeling super anxious, and I was like, honestly, just so tired of it. So there was this one day where we just went to the park after school, because there was a park really close to our high school. And we were just, like, sitting down on the grass, like, you know, just, like, doing. I don't know, just talking. And I was like, can I tell you something? And that's when I opened up about it, and I was the first person that I ever told.
- [20:44]
A
Were you scared prior to telling him? Like, oh, my God, how is he going to react? You know, maybe you were a child. Maybe you thought, like, oh, my God, he's going to see me or view me different. Were those, like, thoughts you were having in your head before you, like, finally Told him.
- [20:56]
B
Yeah, they were. Because when I was 12 years old, after it happened, I felt really disgusted with myself. And I know, like, it wasn't something that I, like, asked for, but I felt really disgusted with myself. I just felt so ugly. And I didn't, like, like myself. So I was like, if I say something, like, they might think that about me. Like, oh, like, she's so gross. Like, you know, negative things. So I was pretty scared. But honestly, it was just, like, way too much. And I was like, I need to tell at least someone. It felt really good to say something, actually. I just remember I was just crying and crying and crying. But it felt so good to actually be able to tell someone. And after I had told him that, I just remember it just felt like something was just, like, lifted off of my back. And I was like, finally. Like, somebody knows. I don't have to keep it in anymore. So after I had told him, I was like, please don't tell anyone. Like, I'm just telling you because I trust you. And then we went on about our days. Like, I went home, he went home, Everything was normal. And then I don't know if it was two or three days after, but I remember that a couple days after, I was in my English class and I got a slip to go to the office. And this was, like, so, like, odd. I was like, I'm not a bad student. Like, why am I getting caught up to the office? Like, I haven't done anything bad and go to the office. And the lady at the front desk is like, the nurse wants to see you. So that confused me even more. I was like, the nurse. Like, I'm not injured, I'm not hurt.
- [22:13]
A
Like, like, I'm not sick.
- [22:14]
B
Yeah, like, what the. What does a nurse want to do with me? So as I walk into the nurse's office, there's two police officers. And that scared me even more. I'm like, okay, I didn't commit a crime. Like, why is there police officers here? So the nurse is like, hey, sweetie. Like, these police officers are going to ask you a couple of questions. I'm going to step out of the room, and I'll come back when they're done. I was just like, okay. Like, that's so confusing. Like, yeah, like, I'm telling you, like, I was a really good kid. Like, I was like, I haven't done anything.
- [22:39]
A
And in your mind, not one thought about what was going on actually was going through your mind. Like, you didn't think at any moment, like, oh, shit, it's about what I told my boyfriend.
- [22:46]
B
Like, I didn't, because I had said, like, don't tell anyone. So I was like, okay, like, he's got my back. Like, he's not going to tell anyone. So then they started asking me questions, and they. I don't remember exactly what they, like, started off with, but I do remember they were like, somebody had called CPS and they said that you had been sexually assaulted. And we just want to, like, talk to you about it. Who? Like, basically getting, like, the who, what, when, where, how. And then I just remember I started, like, bawling my eyes out because. Well, first of all, I was like. It was so, like, I was caught off guard. And then I'm at school, there's two police officers right in front of me, and they know.
- [23:20]
A
Yeah.
- [23:21]
B
So I just started crying. And then they were really, like, comforting. They're like, it's okay. Take your time. Like, then they got me to calm down, and then they asked me all the questions. I did my best to answer everything. And they were like, okay, thank you. And then they walked out. And then the nurse came back in, and then she's like, okay, you can either hang in here for a little bit till you calm down or you can go back to class. And then I go back to class, right? And then in that class, I had a lot of my friends, so they're like. They're all chismosas. They're like, what happened? What'd you do? What'd you get in trouble for? I'm just there, like, I'm all awkward. Like, yeah, I can't tell you guys. Like, I'm not about to say anything, so I'm just like, oh, nothing. I just had to, like, do some paperwork. And then that's what happened at school. And then when I, like, continued throughout my day, I just remember thinking, I was like, how do they know? Like, I told him not to tell anyone.
- [24:05]
A
Did you text your boyfriend, like, telling him off? Like, why would you do that? Or, like, did you not text them? Because you're like, let me not.
- [24:10]
B
Well, I waited until we saw each other during lunch, and I was like, what happened? Like, you told someone? And he was like, yeah, I told my mom. And I remember, like, maybe I shouldn't have reacted this way, but I was really mad and I started, like, cussing him out. And I was like, why did you tell your mom? Like, what the fuck? Like, I trusted you. Like, you weren't supposed to tell her. Like, you're so weird for that. Like, I was saying this and that, you know? And then he was like, well, I had told her because I felt, like, scared for you. Like, I wanted to help you. And then he had told me that his mom had gone through something similar and that she would have wished that somebody would have, you know, helped her. So she thought, like, the best way of getting help for me was to call cps.
- [24:45]
A
Yeah. How did the school inform your mom? Did your mom find out? Because of the school.
- [24:49]
B
So that same day when I went home, I guess CPS had already been to my house because my mom was like, hey, can I ask you something? And as soon as she said that, I was like, she knows. He's like, oh. CPS came and they asked me if I knew anything about this person sexually assaulting you. And I was like, oh. Like, you know? And she was like, well, I don't know much. They didn't tell me, like, everything, but, like, can you tell me? I feel like that was, like, the. The worst part about of it all, like, telling my mom just. Because, like, I was just thinking the whole time, like, I'm her baby, you know, and, like, I'm over here telling her, like, this person that we had, like, we, like, welcomed into our house, like, they took advantage of me. So that was, like, the worst thing. Like, just seeing her cry and cry, like, after I'm telling her all of this, and I just, like, I felt so bad. I was like, I'm so sorry. Like, it was just a lot.
- [25:42]
A
Did your parents reach out to him, like, to tell him shit or to do anything about it?
- [25:46]
B
I'm not sure if my parents did. Honestly, like, that whole time, I felt like the only one that was, like, on my side was my mom. Like, I don't know if my dad even, like, was, like, very much aware of what happened just because, like, I never got the chance to, like, tell him personally what had happened. So I don't know if, like, my mom, like, had a conversation with him about it or if my dad was just, like, in the background, like, behind the scenes. What had happened was after CPS had talked to my mom, they had told her that they were going to assign a detective to the case. And then I had to go to therapy through the detective. There was, like, multiple times where I had to get interviewed. There was a time where they came to my house and I had to call him, and I had to try to get him to, like, admit over the phone that he did something. And that was, like, pretty traumatizing, too, because I'm, like, talking to the person who, like, abused me, right? And on the phone, I'm, like, trying to get him to be like, yes, I did it. And he's just like, what are you talking about? Like, I don't know what you're talking about. And that really hurt because I'm like, you did it. Like, just admit. Yeah, like, just admit to it. I remember he was saying that he wasn't even there, that he was, like, out with his friends. I'm like, that's such a lie. And, like, I don't know. It just, like, hurt me because I'm, like, right now, like, the only person that believes me is my mom. Obviously, my sister, she didn't know. She was so little. Like, we weren't gonna tell her. I don't even think she would. Was gonna be able to, like, comprehend. But the person who did this to me, I remember that when his family found out, like, his. His, like, immediate family members, his sisters came to my house, and they, like, were yelling at me. They were out there, like, waiting, and then me and my mom walked out and they started yelling at me. They were saying like, oh, you're such a liar. Like, you're making this up. You're trying to get something out of it. I'm like, what am I going to get out of it? The only thing I'm getting out of it is I have to go to therapy now, and I have to deal with the tech. This isn't something fun for me. Like, I feel like it made me, like, hate myself in a way. Like, I just felt so gross and disgusted because it's like, this person was, like, related to me, and they, like, did something to me, and I was 12 years old. Like, it was just, like, something that I'm like, I never asked for that. I never wanted that. Like, it just made me feel so disgusted with myself.
- [27:53]
A
How was coping with the situation? Do you feel like once you opened up about it, do you feel like the healing was starting to become a little bit easier because you're like, you know what? I'm not hiding this anymore. My mom knows. You know, if people don't believe me. No me. Porta. Because I no longer have to hold this secret in. Do you feel like it made healing a little bit better? If so, what were coping mechanisms you went through to, like, heal from this?
- [28:17]
B
It was both that made it better, but it also made it worse. Just because I remember, like, said, I. As more family members started finding out about this, everybody was against me. They're like, she's lying. She's trying to get something out of it. And I was like, that's the most stupidest thing I've ever heard. A lot of my family members, they kind of turned their backs on us, and they stopped talking to us because they thought that I was lying.
- [28:37]
A
How did that feel? Did you ever mention that you used to almost make your. Or beat yourself up for, you know, being in that situation, even though you had no fault in it? After you open up and, you know, your family starts turning against you, did you ever feel, like, bad or almost beat yourself up for it because you're like, oh, my God, now I'm separating the family with me opening up about what happened?
- [29:03]
B
Yeah, I definitely felt, like, really bad. I was like, I'm the cause for all of these problems. But also, like, because I was going to therapy at that time, my therapist was helping me understand, like, it's not your fault. Like, you didn't do anything. So that was kind of helping. And then I would tell her, like, the problems that were going on, like, with my family, and she'd be. And she'd, like, give me, like, encouraging words to, like, help me feel better. And then she'd tell me how to, like, cope with it myself so that I wasn't, like, beating myself over it that much.
- [29:28]
A
Do you feel like therapy helped you? If so, in what way? Sientes como que tayudo in the healing process?
- [29:34]
B
I think it helped me a lot because after that had happened, I was really, really anxious. Like, going to sleep, always having to lock the door, like, making sure that there was nobody in my room. Like, I would, like, do so many, like, things that now I'm like, that's so unnecessary. And, like, a child shouldn't have to go through all of that. Therapy really did help me just, like, be less anxious because of what had happened. Like, I. I got really, really anxious in public, like, situations. So, like, ordering food or just, like, talking to, like, employees, like, that was really hard for me. So through therapy, I was able to get over that fear. And there was, like, a lot of times through therapy where she would be like, okay, we're gonna, like, do, like. I don't know if you would call it, like, exposure therapy, but we'd go out, and she'd be like, okay, let's practice ordering a drink or talking to random people. Just getting you used to being back outside. So that really helped.
- [30:23]
A
Do you feel like it also affected the way you trusted people growing up? You know, maybe before this happened to you? I feel like we're very trusting right like, you know, they always say, mexican parents always be saying, I know, amijo melo roban por que todos anda con todos. You know, like how they say, like, oh, like, if you're a bubbly kid and like, they always make little comments. Do you feel like after that happened, do you feel like your trust in people shifted completely because you're like, what the. If this person that is my family did this to me in a real.
- [30:55]
B
World, yeah, it definitely made it so that I couldn't trust people. But also because nobody knew for, like three years I was pretending like everything was fine, like everything was normal. Like, I'm just myself. I'm still like, I'll talk to anybody, you know? So it was really hard having to, like, mask all of that and then also having to deal with, like, my actual feelings.
- [31:15]
A
What's something that you would tell your 12 year old's version of yourself if you were able to talk to her right now?
- [31:20]
B
I think I would just give her a hug. Just like a really big hug. Just because, like, like I said, like, I felt so disgusted with myself. Sorry.
- [31:28]
A
No, it's okay.
- [31:29]
B
Like, I felt so disgusted with myself at the time. So I just give her a hug, tell her that it's not her fault. I think I would say that if you're able to and you have the courage to, you should speak up. I know that people might say something, but I think it's more important to worry about yourself and putting yourself first. So I think if you speak up, you'll get the help that you need and you can heal.
- [31:49]
A
I agree. Thank you so much for opening up about this. You know, I know it's very hard, especially to open up about something like this, you know, to a lot of people. And I feel like, you know, maybe with this, people can really feel seen too. Like, siuste estes Tampa sando por algo amigas se pan que. It gets better, you know what I mean? Like, you don't always have to feel the way you guys are feeling right now. Do you feel like time helped you to heal that wound?
- [32:14]
B
Yeah, I think as I got older too, and I started just like realizing more things as an adult, I just, like, was able to heal just like over time, realizing, like, okay, other people go through it too. It's not just me. And other people are able to heal and they're able to, like, be comfortable with themselves again and love themselves. If they can do it, I can do it too. Just like, as I see people tell their stories, it makes me Feel better. Because I'm like, okay, this is what they did. This is their journey, and they were able to heal. I've actually always wanted to, like, talk about my story on, like, my social media, but I've always been scared to just because of, like, the comments and stuff. Like, usually I don't let comments get to me, and usually I can ignore them, but I'm like, if somebody, like, says, like, oh, she's lying, or, like, trigger you. Yeah. Like, oh, she's just doing it for views. Like, things like that. Like, I know, like, I would get, like, pretty upset, which is why I never, like, talked about it.
- [33:04]
A
Thank you so much for opening up and, you know, giving us that. That part of you on here.
- [33:12]
B
You.
- [33:12]
A
Know, hablando escuela mestasco mentando that, you know, you were a very good child in school. So what was school like for you? Were you popular? Were you considered the nerd? Did you have a lot of friends?
- [33:27]
B
Okay, so during high school, I wouldn't say that I was, like, popular, but I was known.
- [33:31]
A
Okay.
- [33:32]
B
Like, if somebody was like, oh, Jackie, like. Like, it was me. So I feel like I was just, like, super friendly. So that's why, like, everybody knew who I was. I would say hi to everybody. Like, I wasn't like, oh, my God, no. Like, you're weird. Like, no, I would just say hi to everybody. When it came to, like, grades and stuff, I was actually, like, pretty good at school. Like, I love school. Like, I was kind of like, a try hard sometimes. Like, I'd be like, that kid. Oh, my God, people are gonna hate me for this. You know when, like, the teacher forgets, like, to collect the homework, like, because I would do it, I'd be like, here's my homework or teacher, you're not.
- [34:00]
A
Gonna get the homework. And everybody's like, shut up, Jackie.
- [34:03]
B
Sometimes I would do that, but I'm like. Because I spend, like, all my, like, time doing the homework.
- [34:07]
A
Like, take it if they didn't do it. Not my fault.
- [34:12]
B
No. But I wouldn't do that all the time.
- [34:13]
A
Yeah, just sometimes. Right now, her classmates are gonna call me now. She would do that all the time. What was, like, your favorite subject?
- [34:20]
B
I really liked English. I feel like I've always been really good at, like, writing essays. So that was, like, probably my favorite.
- [34:25]
A
I feel like I hated doing essays. I've said this so many times. I feel like my favorite was history because I've always been really good with, like, memory. Like, But I feel like as a kid, I would remember Five years later, I would be like, so I feel like with history, I was able to use that. Like, and it was so easy to me because I was like, okay, as long as I know when things happened, like, history is not going to change. It's going to be the same. So, like, your answer is always going to be the same. When was World War I? World War. True, but back then, see Ortega, 10. I've been out of school for so long. You know, you actually went to college. I'm like, unlike me, you went to college with a bachelor's degree. And what did you major in? What made you want to pursue college? And how was your overall experience in college?
- [35:24]
B
So I majored in business administration. The reason that I actually went to college was just because it's always been, like, my dad's dream to have, like, one of his daughters graduate. And I'm, like, the oldest, so I was like, okay, maybe I can, like, make his dream come true. But initially, I didn't really want to go because after high school, I was like, I'm done. I was like, 12 years of school. Like, I was like, no more. But I was like, you know what? Maybe I'll like it. So I went. And initially I actually wanted to study psychology because I wanted to be a therapist because of what I had gone through. I was like, oh, maybe I can, like, help others. But then I realized it was, like, six years of school. And I was like, no, you're like.
- [36:01]
A
You're like, which one's one year?
- [36:03]
B
Yeah. So then I was like, like, what's, like, the easiest major? And then my dad was like, maybe you should try business. And I was like, okay. So that's why I decided to go with business.
- [36:11]
A
Were you working at the time you were going to college?
- [36:13]
B
Yes. So I actually was working at the gym at Planet Fitness.
- [36:17]
A
How was it like, you know, juggling your schoolwork, then having to go clock in at your job? Were you, like, on your break doing your. What was that like? Juggling everything that was going on at your life while still trying to, like, do college?
- [36:29]
B
I feel like I got pretty lucky because I would, like, like, be really picky with my professors. There's, like, this website called ratemyprofessor. So I would always look on that. I'd be like, who doesn't give homework? Who doesn't give a lot of tests? So I would always just make sure that I picked, like, the easiest teachers. So that really helped. And then it was pretty easy. Like, I would just go to school in the morning and then in the afternoon, go to work, and then the weekends work, whenever.
- [36:50]
A
Did you ever have moments where you wanted to give up? Where you're like, you know what? This is too much. The stress of finals. Like, this is too much work. Like, I have other things to worry about.
- [36:59]
B
Yeah. Like in senior year, there was so many times where I was like, I can't do this. This. Like, they're asking for too much. Like, I feel like during senior year, like, that's when everything, like, piles up. They're like, you need to do your assignment and you need to make sure you're passing on classes and you need to do this paperwork and this or you're not going to graduate. Like, it's so much at once. And I just feel like it was, like, way too much for me. And I was like, I can't do this right now. But I just kept thinking, like, when your parents see you walk across that stage, then it's going to be, like, so worth it.
- [37:27]
A
How did that moment feel for you? The moment you were walking down that stage? Did you feel like, you know what? I did that.
- [37:33]
B
Yeah. I was, like, pretty proud of myself because I had graduated not with the highest honors, but it was. I think it's called magna cum laude. It was like the middle honors, but I was still like, oh, I did that. Like, I had a pretty high gpa. The only reason why I didn't get the highest honors was because there was one class where I got a B.
- [37:49]
A
Oh, and that be you up.
- [37:51]
B
Yeah.
- [37:51]
A
Did you end up using your degree for, like, like, in job in your field or you're, like, doing influencer? Well, it kind of goes because I feel like you can use it. Yeah. In the influencing world.
- [37:59]
B
Well, like, when I was in college, I took, like, a lot of marketing classes.
- [38:05]
A
Okay.
- [38:05]
B
And I was like, I really liked influencer marketing. That was, like, what was getting my attention. And I was like, oh, maybe I could, like, get into this. Because at the time I was doing social media, but I wasn't, like, super big. So I was like, this could be, like, really interesting, but I haven't actually used my degree. After I graduated, I got pregnant a couple months after.
- [38:21]
A
What kind of you did, though? Because if you did marketing, so it kind of did help, like, the way. You guys need to go see that video, you guys. But only with the tik tok shop that goes to her. But you really know how to sell a product. And I feel like those videos do so well for you because they're so real. Like, we were Mentioning, you know. No. You know, during that time. Tell us a little bit more about that. You know, what symptoms were you feeling prior to, like, finding out you were pregnant? What made you be like, you know what? Chinga sumadre, I'm gonna take a pregnancy test. And when it came out positive, what was your reaction? How did your boyfriend react?
- [39:00]
B
So every month, my cycle was literally, like, on the dot. I think it was the 15th of every month. I would get it. Like, if I didn't get it, then that was like, something's off. And I remember that month, like, I wasn't getting it on the 15th, and I was like, hold on. But also, I had started going to the gym, and I know that, like, doing, like, physical activity can, like, delay. Yeah. So I was like, oh, maybe it's that. So I gave it, like, a week, and it still hadn't came. And I was like. But I didn't think, because I was also on birth control. I had the IUD. And I know it's not 100%. I know the doctor said 99.9, but I'm like, is the 1%, like, really.
- [39:35]
A
Like, of course it is. Clearly, that 1% is a big 1%.
- [39:40]
B
But, yeah. So at the time, I was like, it can't be that. I was like, maybe, like, maybe I'm stressed out. Maybe I'm working out too much. Like, something happened, right? And then I remember that I was like, maybe I'm just gonna take a test. And I was like, but I was thinking of it as a joke. I was like, this isn't even gonna be positive. So I was, like, there, like, filming my little TikTok. I was like, guys, I might be pregnant, but, like, this whole time, I'm treating it as a joke.
- [40:01]
A
Yeah.
- [40:01]
B
I, like, I can't imagine, like, I'm pregnant, right? And then I do, like, my whole little TikTok. I record myself, like, peeing on the stick. Like, obviously you don't see that, but you can hear it.
- [40:11]
A
I'm like, damn, you're good at marketing. She's all sitting on the toilet, showing them how to pee.
- [40:16]
B
No, you can, like, just, like, hear everything going on, right? And then I'm like, waiting, waiting. And then I'm like. And then it's, like, positive. And I'm like, were you, like, what.
- [40:24]
A
The fuck jokes on me?
- [40:26]
B
I'm like, fuck.
- [40:28]
A
You're like, what do I do now? How did you tell your, like, family or, like, your boyfriend?
- [40:32]
B
I was just like, hey, like, look at this test. Like, do you see, like, it's positive, right? Because the lines are, like, so faint, too. I'm like, maybe it's like, me, like, just imagining, like, maybe I'm not even pregnant, right? So we're both looking at him. We're like, fuck. Like, not fuck as in like, but.
- [40:49]
A
Yeah, as in like, oh, my God, like, what are we gonna do now? Yeah.
- [40:52]
B
Yeah. And obviously, like, it was. It could happen, right? Like, we're not dumb. I'm not, like, a little kid. I'm not, like, nothing's gonna happen. Like, I knew, like, it was a possibility. Like, the doctors explain it and everything, but I just didn't think it would happen.
- [41:03]
A
How was your pregnancy overall? Do you feel like you had a smooth pregnancy? Did you have any complications, you know, your pregnancy?
- [41:11]
B
Overall, I feel like my pregnancy was pretty good. But I do remember just, like, all the time, like, something would smell, like, so bad. Vomiting. I would eat something vomiting. Like, it got to the point to where, like, I couldn't eat chilakiles anymore. I couldn't eat quesadillas. I couldn't have cheese. Like, any of that. Eggs were disgusting to me. Like, everything was just so bad. I couldn't eat anything. The only thing that I could eat was fruit. That was the only thing that wouldn't, like, make me throw up.
- [41:34]
A
Would you crave the fruit? Or what were, like, your weird cravings that you would have, like, during your pregnancy? Did you have any, like, weird cravings?
- [41:40]
B
Not, like, super weird. Not like what you see online, but, like, I hated pickles. And now, like, during my pregnancy and after, like, now I love pickles. Like, I can eat them. But before, I was like, that's disgusting.
- [41:50]
A
What was it like, you know, seeing your body change during your pregnancy? It's the beauty of, you know, the women's body when creating a little human. But obia mentee, you know, you're still human in, you know, Abe said, los sentimentos. You know, as you're seeing your body change, it can really get to you. Do you feel like you struggled with that a lot?
- [42:08]
B
Well, there was, like, a moment where I was like, either I look pregnant or I look fat to people. Like, there's, like, there wasn't really a belly. And I didn't really like that stage just because I was like, I look pretty fat. Like, if I'm not putting my hand here, everybody just thinks like, oh, she eats a lot. Like, so I was just like, oh, my gosh. Like, I don't like this. But then after my, like, belly came in, I was like, this is so cute. I loved my bump. Like, I loved, like, wearing, like, little crop tops or just, like, showing it off. Like, I think I thought it was, like, the cutest thing ever, but I gained, like, a total of 30 pounds, I think.
- [42:36]
A
I feel like that's. I think much. No, yeah, I feel like that's good.
- [42:40]
B
But after I gave birth, it was, like, really hard to, like, get back to, like, the weight that I was before I got pregnant. But now I'm there. Yay.
- [42:48]
A
What was birth? Like, you're like, oh, my God, I need to go to the hospital. What was your birth story?
- [42:54]
B
So that didn't happen to me. Like, I really wanted my water to break, but it didn't. I just remember the two weeks before I had given birth, I started, like, walking a lot. Like two to three miles every day. Just, like, walking. Because at the time I lived in la, so I would just, like, walk down Sunset Boulevard, like, all the time, just, like, going through all the little shops, like, just for fun. And then I was supposed to give birth on the 16th of August, but I gave birth on the 3rd, so she came early. And I think it was because of the walking that I did, but I remember it was like on the 2nd of August, that whole day, like, I just had cramps on cramps on cramps. But they weren't consistent enough to where I could go to the hospital. Right. Right. So I'm just there, like, dealing with them. Like, oh, it hurts. Like, and I didn't know what to do either. Like, I've never given birth. Right. So I'm like, this feels so weird. And I'm like, looking up online, like, what to do. And there's like all these positions. I'm like, like, laying on all fours. Like, I'm doing this and that. And I'm like, this is not helping. And then they're like, drink the teas. Drink the teas. That also, like, I was like, this is not. None of this is helping me. So I just had to, like, deal with it. And then I remember it was like, like 3am and I was like, we got to go to the hospital. Like, I can't do this anymore. Like, they were getting so close together. And then when I got to the hospital, she was like, if you're not dilated at all, like, you're going to be sent back. And I was like, like, I'm like, I can't deal with this. Like, what do you mean I'm going to be sent back? Like, Loki the nurse was kind of being like a Little mean. She was like, I don't think you're dilated. I'm like, check, girl, check.
- [44:17]
A
I'm about to give birth.
- [44:19]
B
Literally, she checked, and she's like, okay, you're 2 centimeters. You're staying here. And honestly, like, the thing I regret the most is I didn't eat before going to the hospital.
- [44:28]
A
Was that a good thing, though? Because I've heard that people themselves. What was, like, your meal after, like, what was your reward meal?
- [44:37]
B
Oh, I literally just had whatever they had at the hospital. It was like, some type of, like, steak. Like, steak. It wasn't, like, actual steak. It was, like, mashed potatoes and then veggies. Like, it was really good. But I think maybe because I hadn't eaten in 12 hours, I feel like my birth was pretty smooth.
- [44:50]
A
Smooth.
- [44:51]
B
I was in labor for a total of 12 hours, but I only pushed for 10 minutes.
- [44:54]
A
Oh, you're like, bingo. For one thing and one thing only. That's a give birthday. What was it like, you know, afterwards? You know, once you give birth, it sinks in. If it didn't sink in while you were pregnant, you're like, oh, now I have a human to take care of. Like, baby's no longer in my tummy. Like, what was that like? You know? Do you feel like you struggled a lot with the sleepless nights? What was it like adjusting to motherhood at the beginning?
- [45:20]
B
Beginning? I feel like I adjusted to it, like, as soon as, like, I heard my baby crying. Like, when they, like, pulled her out, that's when I was like, I'm a mother. Because the whole time, like, I'm just, like, in pain. Like, there's just contractions and contractions. I'm just there, like, like, trying to, like, deal with it, right? And then she's like, okay, you're about to push. And then she. She's like, push. And I'm like, I don't know how to push. Like, I've never done this. That too. She was, like, telling me to push and push, and I'm like, like, like.
- [45:49]
A
Girl, I'm doing that.
- [45:50]
B
I don't know how to push.
- [45:51]
A
Like, they expect you to know. Like, it's my first time.
- [45:53]
B
Yeah. And then she was like, breathe in. And then, like, do it. I was like, okay, I got the hang of it. And then as I'm doing that, I'm like, oh. Like, in a couple of seconds, like, I'm a mom. Like, she's gonna come out, and I have to, like, know what to do, right? And I just remember, like, after they had like, cleaned her up and everything. They put her, like, on me, and then she, like, started latching. And I was like. I was like, how do you know how to do that? But I was like, okay. Like, now I'm like, this is a real deal. Like. Like, I have to, like, get used to it, right? But I feel like it wasn't that hard. Like, maybe because I had, like, low key. I did, like, a little bit of research before. I was like, what is it like to have a baby? Like, what should you do? I was watching so many YouTube videos. I was, like, looking up articles. Like, I was trying to do, like, everything to be prepared. So I feel like once she was here, I was like, okay. Like, I kind of know what to do. And also the nurses, they were, like, super helpful. So they were like, this is how you change a diaper. This is how you, like, give her milk and all that. So I was like, okay, it's not that bad. And then when we got home, everything was, like, already set up for the baby. So I was just like, okay, I just have to watch her, take care of her. And then she was, like, low key, a pretty good sleeper. So there wasn't, like, a lot of nights where I didn't sleep. I think maybe I would wake up on occasion. But also because I was breastfeeding her, I'd just, like, grab her and then put her on her breast and.
- [47:01]
A
You're all falling. Yeah, she's all eating. You're all asleep. Did you have, like, a lot of help from, like, your partner or your mom?
- [47:07]
B
Yeah, my mom helped me out a lot. So, like, that was actually. I was like, mom, can you please, like, help me as much as you can? Like, you've done this before? Like, I have never. And I feel super comfortable with my mom. So I was like, please help me. She was, like, helping me shower. She was, like, teaching me everything. So that was, like, really helpful.
- [47:22]
A
After giving birth, do you feel like you struggled at any point after or during your pregnancy with postpartum depression?
- [47:29]
B
I feel like I didn't really struggle with it just because I had, like, a lot of support and a lot of help during my pregnancy. Like, obviously my partner was there, and then also, like, my family was there. So, like, anything I needed, like, guys, I don't feel good. Like, please help me, right? Either be there for me. And then after, like, I had so much help. Like, both grandparents from both sides are super helpful. So that just, like, made everything so much easier. If I ever needed a break, like, either one would come and, like, you know, watch the baby or if I needed sleep or if I just needed anything, like, they'd be there. So I feel like that really helped me not feel lonely. And I was just like, okay, I'm not. Like, it's not just me. Like, yeah. Like, it's a whole village doing this.
- [48:08]
A
Which I feel like is. It's how it's supposed to be, you know, because you've been so pas when, you know, women give birth, especially when the partner feels like, oh, you know, that's the women's job. You take care of the babies. You know, it's good that you were able to have, you know, that village behind you to let you almost. Even after giving birth. A lot of people only worry about the baby and not about the women. And it's like, no, we have to come even first before the baby, because.
- [48:39]
B
Yeah, that's why I was, like, so grateful for my mom, because she was, like, taking care of me, like, making sure that I was, like, eating. She'd, like, have, like, breakfast, lunch, and dinner ready, like, oh, you need to eat, like, avena and all this stuff to help with your milk. And I was like, oh, my God. Like, this is great. Like, she's, like, making sure that I'm eating, because if I'm pretty sure if she wasn't, like, giving me the meals, like, I don't think I would have had time to, like, cook, like, all this healthy, like, nice food for myself. Right. Because I'm over here taking care of the baby.
- [49:04]
A
How old is your baby now?
- [49:06]
B
She is 16 months. Oh.
- [49:08]
A
How do you feel like motherhood looks for you right now? Do you feel like you got the hang of it? Like, how do you feel? Like motherhood has changed your whole aspect in life?
- [49:18]
B
So before I got pregnant, I was one of those people. Like, I would hear a kid crying, and I'd be like, ew. Like, these parents need to, like, do something about it. Like, I. I wouldn't say, like, I hated kids, but, like, I really did not like kids. And anytime anyone would ask, like, oh, are you ever gonna have a kid? I'd be like, no. Like, I cannot have kids. Like, I don't like kids. And then I got pregnant, and then everything changed. So now, like, I love kids. Like, if I hear a kid cry, I'm like, oh, whatever. Like, they're just crying.
- [49:43]
A
Yeah.
- [49:43]
B
Like, I just, like, feel for the parents. I'm like, I get, like, what you're going through. Like, I know it's, like, not easy to, you know, like, calm A kid down. Like, my daughter right now, she's in the stage where she, like, throws tantrums. She'll, like, throw herself, like, on the floor. And I'm like, girl, what are you doing? Like, over little things, too. Like, oh, I didn't let her eat a candy. Candy. And there she goes, like, throwing herself over. And I'm like, what am I supposed to do?
- [50:04]
A
Do you feel like it's gotten harder? Like, you know, because every stage is hard, but you feel like it's harder for you now. Ya ques tampongito mas grandecita versus when she was just the mano y ques haciendas. Like, do you feel like it's, like, hard where you're like, girl, give me a break.
- [50:19]
B
Yes. Like, it's now that she, like, walks and she can open things. Like, I've tried to, like, baby proof the whole house. She still finds a way to, like, like, I don't know, like, get through that. Like, we have, like, the cabinets, like, where you pull on it. You can't open it unless you have a little magnet. And she figured out that if you, like, pull hard enough, like, multiple times, it'll come undone.
- [50:36]
A
So she's smart.
- [50:36]
B
Yeah. She'll open everything. And I'm like, recently, she figured out she can open the fridge. She takes everything out.
- [50:42]
A
I'm like, girl, that's some cochinero there.
- [50:44]
B
Yes. And there was this one time where, like, there was, like, chocolata bolita in the fridge. She, like, somehow opened it, and then she started eating it.
- [50:52]
A
The whole bar? Yeah, the whole bar. And I was like, that's brave. That's crazy. I don't even like chocolate like, that.
- [50:59]
B
Munching on it. I'm like, girl. And then I'm over here. Like, you made a whole mess, and you're eating it. Like, what do I do first? Do I clean? You, like, take the chocolate.
- [51:07]
A
Yeah.
- [51:07]
B
Like, it's too much.
- [51:09]
A
Do you want more babies or do you feel like, for right now, one and done?
- [51:12]
B
I feel like for right now, I'm very much, like, one and done. And also, like, I don't know. I want to give her, like, all of my attention because I've noticed, like, she's going through, like, the tantrum stage. So imagine, like, I have one going through tantrums and then the other one, like, crying. Almost like. Like, how am I gonna do both? Like, I just. I mean, maybe, like, I know people can do it.
- [51:29]
A
It's, like, doable. But you're like, I'm a struggle.
- [51:31]
B
I'M like, is it. Do I really want to, like, go through all that right now?
- [51:34]
A
You're like, maybe not. Maybe not right now.
- [51:37]
B
But I feel like, definitely right now it's, like, gotten easier in the way that I'm like, okay. Like, I kind of understand, like, what she wants and what she needs and, like, she's starting to, like, talk, so she'll be like. Instead of, like, if she wants food, she'll be like, snack. Snack.
- [51:54]
A
Yeah.
- [51:54]
B
Or like, she. She knows how to say, like, cookie. She says, tutti. Yeah, it's so cute. Or like, apple. Apple. Like, she knows, like, little words like that. Or like, awa. So I'm like, okay. Like, if you want something, like, I know. Or like, I like that she can say, like, see and no. So I'm like, okay. See? I'm like, okay.
- [52:10]
A
Oh, no. You're like, that's good, because I think I'm very much like how you were before. I. I like kids, but when they're not mine, like, you know what I mean? I'm like.
- [52:25]
B
Like, as, like, a mom when, like, someone gives her back, I'm like, you're like. Like, you wanted to hold her, like, take her the whole time.
- [52:31]
A
You're like, I want.
- [52:35]
B
Oh, my goodness. She's so heavy. She weighs 32 pounds.
- [52:38]
A
Oh, my God.
- [52:38]
B
She wants to be carried all the time. I'm like, girl, no, no, girl.
- [52:42]
A
This a whole workout. Like, all, like, you're all muscle building.
- [52:45]
B
You're all older.
- [52:48]
A
It's all gonna be a big one. Yeah.
- [52:49]
B
I'm, like, skinny, so she's so heavy.
- [52:52]
A
Being a mom, what does motherhood mean to you?
- [52:54]
B
I feel like when I think about motherhood, I just think about, like, protecting her and making sure that she's, like, loved and that she knows, like, that we're there for her, right? Like, she knows, like, oh, my mom's always gonna be there for me. Like, I have my mom. Like, she's, like, my little best friend.
- [53:08]
A
Yeah.
- [53:08]
B
And I feel like motherhood is, like, the most beautiful thing ever. Like, I feel like you won't, like. Like, I can't explain it. Like, I feel like you have to be, like, a mom to know. Like. Like, the love that you have for your child is just. Just, like, so different. Like, it's different than, like, loving, like, oh, a family member, like a pet. Like, it's, like, such, like, a deep, like, different, like, type of love. And I just, like, I love being a mom. I feel like it's, like, the best thing that, like, ever happened to me.
- [53:31]
A
You're still really young, right? And obia mente, before your baby, you had the liberty, the salilte at whatever time you wanted. Has that been, like, something that, like, has been hard on you? Like, the. Oh, fuck. Like, if I want to make plans, I gotta make sure que puesen the way de jara mi babe or nono mas por and carme irme conminobio wherever we want because we have a baby. Like, has that been something that has taken, like, some adjusting to do?
- [53:54]
B
Yes. Like, when I came to the podcast, I'm like, who's going to watch my baby? I'm like, mom, please. But, like, my mom's, like, this super, like, helpful. Like, if I'm like, please, can you please watch her? She's like, yes, I'll watch her. I'll watch her. So, like, that's like, I'm like, free.
- [54:05]
A
Babysitter about social media. So what made you be like, you know what? What made you be like, I want to start content creating. And what were the early days of content creating, like, for you? And in Gamblemento, you realize, like, oh, shit, I just went viral. A video went viral. If I really put all my mind to it, I can really do the social media thing.
- [54:31]
B
So it was like, I think during quarantine is, like, when I was, like, trying to, like, take it, like, seriously, since I was just, like, at home, like, doing literally nothing. So I just, like, would start posting, like, random, like, videos, like, kind of, like memes, because I feel like those were super, like, popular back then. So I would start, like, posting those. And then there was times where, like, some of them would, like, pop off. Like, they'd go viral, and I'd be like, oh, my God, like, that's exciting. So I would just, like, keep going. Like, I was, like, pretty consistent with it. And then there was a point where, like, I was like, I like trolling people, so I would do, like, videos, like, trolling people. I don't. There was, like, this guy who was, like, super popular. I don't know if you've heard of him, little Jaime. But there was, like, a time where, like, people would, like, be like, oh, my God, he's so hot. Blah, blah. So I would make videos talking about, like, oh, my God, like, he's so cute. Like, this is my crush. And then people would be like, oh, my God, like, she for real. Like, there's no way. So, like, I would, like, make, like, videos like that that would, like, catch people's attention. And then there was. Do you know lalo Lala. Crazy.
- [55:23]
A
Okay.
- [55:23]
B
And then I started doing it with Lalo. And then there was this time where I was like, I would go live and I would get you guys date or. No, like, not actually.
- [55:32]
A
Okay, okay. It was like content vibes.
- [55:33]
B
Yeah.
- [55:34]
A
Okay, okay, okay.
- [55:35]
B
So there was this time where like Lalo was online and I would go on live too, but I would get like 300 like, like viewers. Like, not a lot. Like at this time I think I had like a hundred thousand followers. Like I had somewhat of a following, but I wasn't like millions, you know? So I would be like, guys, like, go on Lalo's live and like, tell him to go live with Jackie. Go live with Jackie. And he'd be like, who's Jackie? Like, what?
- [55:55]
A
Yes.
- [55:56]
B
The fuck is that? And then one time he did go live with me and I was like flirting with him and I was like trying to be like funny, right? And then he like was doing it back and I was like, oh my God, like, what? Wait, like this is like funny. Like you're like doing it with me. Like you're playing along, right? And then like we would just keep going live and live every day. And then like it started popping off. Like Lalo and Jackie, like people like started believing that we were like actually thing and like we loved each other, all this stuff. And I'm like, you're like, did you.
- [56:21]
A
Guys ever meet in person?
- [56:22]
B
No, we didn't.
- [56:23]
A
Okay, okay, okay.
- [56:24]
B
And like people think that like I would like text them like outside of like the tick tock lives and that we were like a thing. But I'm like, the only thing we would say off like live is like, when are you getting on live? Yeah, that's it. But like it was never like a thing.
- [56:35]
A
No. You know what's so funny? I did see comments of people like, oh my God, like she's Lalo's ex. And then they're like, oh, let it rest, she's a mommy now. But it's good that you like saying no.
- [56:47]
B
Like we never, never, never. Like I still.
- [56:48]
A
Do they still talk now or no.
- [56:50]
B
Oh, no, no, we don't. But like I still see comments being like, oh, is that Lalo's kid? I'm like, you're like, no.
- [56:54]
A
I'm like, she doesn't look like him. She doesn't look like him. As you started growing with social media medium, get in munchescos. You know the hate comments. Have you ever let a hate comment get to you? If so, what type of comments would be the Comments that you know would hurt you. And just in general, what is your overall thought on like the hate on social media?
- [57:14]
B
I feel like I've never really like, let the hate comments get to me just because I'm always like, I can turn off my phone and like, you're gone. Like I don't even know who you are.
- [57:22]
A
Right.
- [57:22]
B
And usually it's like accounts that have like no profile picture, it's like user blah, blah, blah, blah.
- [57:27]
A
Or it's like a 10 year old.
- [57:28]
B
Yeah, I'm like, who even are you? Or like, yeah, they're just trying to like troll, right? Like rage, bang and stuff. So I feel like I've never really let any like, comments get to me. But some of them, like, there's like some comments that are annoying. Like when they're like, oh my God, like she's fat, this and that, I'm like, I had a kid and I hate that. Like, I can't like explain myself, you know, Those are the comments that just like, they kind of get me a little bit mad. I'm like, y' all don't understand. Like I had a child. Like, I'm not gonna bounce back. Like, I wanted to bounce back. Yeah. But like, I didn't.
- [57:54]
A
You look amazing, by the way. The comments. Don't let them get to you. But you know, when it comes to the comments, it can get a little draining. Like you said, you wish you can explain yourself, but then you will and then people will still find something to fucking say about it, you know? Has there ever been a moment where you've seen maybe like a chisme or like a rumor about you or even in the comments, people talking shit where it's far from the truth and you're like, oh my God, where the fuck is this coming from?
- [58:18]
B
Oh my God. Recently somebody was on stream and they clipped it and I guess like the girl that was on stream, like, I guess I like looked her up and down, but like, I think I was looking at her outfit because, like, I have nothing against like the girl, like, like she's really pretty. Like, this was my first time meeting her. Like, I'm not like all like hater vibes or not.
- [58:34]
A
So they were trying to make it.
- [58:35]
B
Seem like they were like, oh my God, she's so envy the osa. She looked her up and down. I'm like, I think I was like looking at her outfit. And then after, like, you can see me like be like, oh, hey. And then I hugged her and they're like, she's two faced I'm like, no, that's not what.
- [58:46]
A
Like I was checking her out.
- [58:49]
B
She was hot.
- [58:49]
A
Yeah, she was so, so pretty. That's what I was doing. I feel like it's so easy with, especially with live streams where people can like misinterpret things.
- [58:57]
B
So now like whenever I see someone on live, I'm like, you're like, I'm.
- [59:02]
A
Be friendly as not making anyone out.
- [59:04]
B
Just avoid it.
- [59:05]
A
Or I'm just gonna say I'm blind. Like, so you won't even say like that. Do you love doing social media? Like, what are like your goals when it comes to your social media?
- [59:14]
B
Yeah, I feel like social media is like so fun and I love that I can like stay at home with my daughter. I think my goals would be probably just to work with like more brands and get more brand deals. And then like, I kind of like, I don't know, maybe like I want to like start like selling like my own fajas or something. Like my own faja company, you know, that's. That'd be so cool.
- [59:31]
A
Cuz you already probably sell so many fajas for another company, might as well come out with your own.
- [59:36]
B
Yes, like, that would be so cool. And like, obviously, like, I feel comfortable like showing that they work right. So I'm like, guys, look, look.
- [59:45]
A
And you start doing what you got to do, you'll say you're going to accomplish them even in less than five to 10 years. But thank you so much for being here with us today and really opening up. I'm sure this, you know, was very super shy, you guys, and she was nervous. Like, I feel like you just had to get over like those little hiccups and like those little nerves. But you did amazing. And thank you so much for opening up. Make sure you guys go ahead and follow her. I will leave her links down below as well as on the screen right here so you guys don't miss any future episodes. And with that being said, thank you guys so much for watching and we'll see you guys in the next one. Bye, guys. Yeah, Heat is so good.