← Noche de Pendejadas with Alannized
Noche de Pendejadas with Alannized
Joslynn Talks All: Poverty, Ménière’s Disease, Long Distance Relationship, Divorce & MORE!!!
02:08:22
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- [00:00]
A
I was praying, crying to God that I wish I was normal. I have epilepsy. I have Meniere's disease. I have central neuro hearing loss. There's always something wrong with me and it was hard. And so I prayed to God and I was telling him to heal me.
- [00:32]
B
What is up, everyone? I am your host, Alan Ice, and welcome to Noche de Pendejadas, your favorite podcaster and talk show. Eno de yo trago a tus influencers favoritos para platicar y po siblementes acarles ostrapitos al sol hol estango una ambitada que yo que yen casitos de estan. Super emotional. So without any further ado, please help me welcome my guest tonight, Jocelyn Moreno.
- [01:00]
A
Hello.
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B
You're like, who the fuck is here? I'm over here like yelling as if we have a whole live crowd, you guys. Well, we do.
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A
It's just us today.
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B
No, it's not just us. It's me, you, production and your man. So we technically do have a little live audience, which I love. How are you? I'm so excited.
- [01:19]
A
Yes, thank you so much for having me.
- [01:21]
B
What have you been up to? I know you flew in this morning. Tell us everything about that.
- [01:25]
A
Okay, so me and my boyfriend, we Woke up at 6 in the morning Central Time. So that's 4 in the morning this time. And so we woke up, I have two cats, so I had to feed them, make sure they use the restroom. Went to the airport, took an Uber. I go to Texas Tech. So the Lubbock airport is so small. We showed up maybe like 30 minutes before we boarded because there's no problem doing that there because literally you go in and out of security in like two minutes.
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B
Did you fly into the not to lax, right? No, I did that on purpose because.
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A
It'S last packed lax. We went there actually like a couple months ago. It was insane. I was like, this is the biggest airport I've ever. So chaotic too, right? And the traffic, insane. So thankfully wasn't that bad. But we went to the airport, obviously got on our plane, it was super smooth. I'm actually scared of flying, but thankfully I had my boyfriend with me and then we landed in Phoenix and honestly I had a crying session. I literally started crying. Cuz I'm that person who's like, I don't care if I'm like not strolling on the street, if I know that I'm in that state or in that city, I start crying. Cuz I'm like, I'm Sorry. I'm emotional. I'm sensitive. I'm. I'm such a sensitive person. And growing up, my dream was to always drink Arizona tea. Have you heard of that?
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B
Arizona.
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A
In Arizona. And so in Phoenix, specifically, because that's just, like, so well known. As soon as we landed, I started crying, and I'm like, kobe, I've always wanted to drink Arizona tea in Arizona. So I was, like, super excited. But we were there for maybe, like, an hour.
- [02:50]
B
Did you get your Arizona. No, no.
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A
Actually flying back to.
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B
You'll do it. You got to take it from here, though, because I feel like I never see Arizona airports, though.
- [03:01]
A
I never see. Put in your luggage and I will check it in. Yeah, so I'll definitely do when we get back. But once we land in Arizona, we flew here. I passed out. It was like, maybe an hour flight. I fell asleep. Like, I was so tired from being up at 6 in the morning. We landed, took an Uber to the hotel, and I was like, wow, this is bougie. I was like. I walked in. Thank you, by the way. Because it was nice. It was really nice. And so we walked in. I was like, wow, like, we're here. We got settled in, went out to eat. When we went to E, we just, like, kind of talked about the podcast because I. Like, this is so surreal because our hotel number is my angel number. I started crying because I was actually so nervous, like, coming here. And then once I saw hotel, it was 222.
- [03:39]
B
Oh, what is that significance?
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A
No idea. I don't really think about the definite, like, the definition or, like, the meaning. I just think it's not like you're gonna die.
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B
It's all crazy. It's like, your life's gonna be miserable.
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A
You are gonna die in 24 hours.
- [03:54]
B
Literally, like angel numbers. I swear, me as fuck. Like, ABC numbers all the time. And I'm like, let me look them up in case it. Okay.
- [04:02]
A
I used to do that, but two, two, two. It pops up everywhere I go. And so being so nervous and, like, not knowing how today is gonna go, seeing that, I started crying. Well, not, like, bawling, but I was tearing up. Cause I was like, wow. To me, I thought that was a sign from God to let me know that he was here with me. And so it just made me feel, like, a lot better. So after seeing that, you had texted me and we were at. Me and Kobe were at a restaurant. You had told me that I was in season six, episode 12. And so after seeing 222 and then 612. I was like, today's my day or something. Like, God is really trying to tell me that he's here with me. And so to me, that just made me feel like a lot better. And we kind of practiced together about like answering like questions that you would ask and things like that. Especially because he since, since he's so involved in my life, like, he was there to like, get to give me. Like he was acting like me, right? He was acting like I'm the host.
- [04:56]
B
Today's episode of Noche de Pendejadas is brought to you by booking.com booking. Yeah. From vacation rentals to hotels across the booking.com has the ideal stay for everyone. Whether you're booking for yourself, your partner, your sleep light rise early mom, or your hype maintenance group chat, you can find exactly what you're booking for on booking.com. so if I can find the perfect stay on booking.com anyone can find exactly what you're booking for booking.com booking. Yeah. Book today on the site or on the app. Now let's get back to today's episode. I'm NFL linebacker TJ Watt and this is my personal best.
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A
YPB by Abercrombie is the activewear I'm always wearing.
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B
That's why I reached out to co design their latest drop. I worked with designers to create high performance activewear that holds up to my toughest workouts. Shop YPB by Abercrombie in store, online and in the app because your personal best is greater than any. I'm so excited. I mean, guys, literally, like I said, this has been a while, over a month for sure, in the making and in the planning. And I'm so excited to have you here with us.
- [06:12]
A
Thank you for having me.
- [06:13]
B
For those at home that might not know you, tell us a little bit more about who you are and what you do.
- [06:18]
A
Hi, I'm Jocelyn. I'm 21 years old. I am a senior at Texas Tech University. I'm a full time college student. I make content related to college, to my everyday life, my long distance relationship. Content that's just relatable in general.
- [06:32]
B
You do a little bit of everything and cooking, which I love. And now you're talking about you're moving with your mat.
- [06:37]
A
Yes. And that too. I make content living in my apartment with my boyfriend and cooking dinner for the both of us.
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B
And we're gonna talk all about you and your relationship later on, but we're gonna go ahead and start with the topic that I love to start with, which is Your childhood. I feel like it's very important, you know, for the viewers at home, for your followers that already follow you, to really get a better understanding of you and to. I feel like it's very important, you know, to talk about your upbringing with that being said about your upbringing. How was Jocelyn growing up? What was your life like when you.
- [07:12]
A
Were little, growing up? A lot of people like to assume that I came from money. The truth is, is I. I never did. My parents actually grew up in the Rio Grande Valley in Texas. They were born and raised in Harlingen, which is where I was born. And my parents were actually very, very poor, the both of them. My dad was more poor than my mom. Not that it was a competition. Dad was very, very poor. He had five siblings living in a one bedroom house. The ceiling was falling apart. There was no ac. Cockroaches everywhere. They never knew when their next meal would be. It was. It was really hard on my dad and same for my mom. So growing up, they kind of decided that they wanted to give the life they never had to their kids. So I have an older brother and a younger sister. My parents tried their hardest to give them the things that they never had. So growing up, we moved out of the Valley, actually, because my in. When you're in the Valley, I feel like you're kind of stuck there. Ye, it's very small. Everybody knows everybody. And you don't really like progress and grow. And so my parents wanted more than that for us. So they moved us to El Paso. We stayed there for a year. Nothing crazy happened. Then we moved to Austin, which is where I'm from. So I've been living in Austin since I was in kindergarten. And my parents kind of switched us from school to school because there was always issues within the school that they didn't really like, whether it was like bullying, things like that. But no matter what, they try to give us, like, the best life. We lived in apartments and filled with cockroaches. So growing up, I wasn't able to really get the things that I've always wanted. But my mom actually would work her hardest to make sure that I would get the things that I would talk to her about. I know at school I would get bullied for not having certain shoes that were popular, certain, like, clothing brands that were popular. And so when I would go home to tell my mom about my day, I would obviously mention that to her. And no matter the struggles that they were going through, my mom would always manage to give me what I wanted. And I was always grateful. To this day, I'm still grateful for my parents and for things that they've done for me. But growing up, it was hard. And I noticed that with my parents, I noticed that money was tight. I noticed that things weren't as easy as I thought they would be. Especially because once I hit around fourth grade, I lived in an apartment in Austin. And every week me and my siblings would walk to our elementary school and they would give us bags of food because again, money was tight. And so going to get those bags of food, we would get so excited because like, wow, like they have Oreos, they have M M's, they have sandwiches. Like, we would always talk about how happy we were to have those kinds of foods, like finally in our apartment because again, like we, we didn't really have that much. And it was always like conchitas or like fiedo, like every single day, which is like not an issue. Like, I love my mom's cooking, like.
- [09:58]
B
I want steak, right?
- [10:00]
A
Give me a filet mignon right now. No. But so getting food from our school, it was, it was, it was a big deal for us because we were excited, especially because we weren't allowed to eat sweets growing up. That was kind of like our one time to finally like eat Oreos, eat M&M's, things like that. And so, yeah, you know, you tell.
- [10:17]
B
Us a little bit more about your parents struggle. I feel like as kids, you know, I have a kind of very similar story I was talking to you about yesterday. You know, I grew up with parents that struggled. I've opened up before about, you know, in high school when I really, really kind of realized how hard my parents were having it. Because I feel like growing up we almost think, oh, everyone is struggling, or oh, this is normal, it's not that bad. But I feel like it gets to a point in your life where you're like, oh shit, like my parents really are fucking struggling. Like us going to get food, you know, at our school isn't really something that everyone does or it's not something, it's not normal, I guess you can say. You know, I feel like for me, that hit me in high school when I like heard my parents, you know, talking in the living room talking about that we were going to get evicted. I remember I panicked so hard, went to my counselor, I need to go to independent studies because I want to help my parents out. The counselor told me, that's not your problem, that's your parents problem. Do you remember the time you realized like, oh shit, this Isn't normal? Like, my parents are struggling. What did the talk about money be something that you would hear a lot growing up, or was it something that your parents would struggle in silence?
- [11:24]
A
To compare my feelings from high school to when I. When these struggles were happening is growing up. I really did think it was normal. Like, I never thought it wasn't abnormal whatsoever. I would go to the elementary schools, get my bag of food, and I was so excited. Like, I would probably show it off the next day of class. Like, look at what I got. So I never thought it was weird. But in high school, if I were to be a high school student doing that, I definitely would be embarrassed. I would feel a certain way. And I didn't realize my parents were struggling until middle school. That's when I started doing dance, and I was on the drill team. And my parents, they would struggle in silence. They would never talk about money whatsoever. Not in front of us, at least. But it wasn't until middle school where for the first time, I heard my dad arguing with my mom and that we didn't have enough money to put me in dance. And I wanted that more than anything. My mom knew I had a passion for dance since I was really little. She was the one who taught me how to dance to begin with because I couldn't afford to be in a dance studio. So I would have dance studio at home. I'd have my mom. She teached me everything that I. That I. I'm a good dancer because of my mom. Like, she taught me everything I needed to know when I was a little girl. And so in middle school, when I heard them talking about, you know, the bills, I was really sad. Honestly, I was hurt. But at the same time, like, I knew my parents were struggling and I wasn't gonna put them position. But the very next day, who was the one to stand up and say I was going to be in dance? My mom. My mom was always there for me. Because of her, I was able to dance throughout my three years of middle school. Even though they were struggling. She worked just as hard. My dad worked just as hard, too. Both of them did. They would do overtime, anything that they could to put me in dance. And during that time, not only were they putting me in dance, but they were putting my brother in football. My brother, he's two years older than me. And so while I was in dance, my brother was in football. And. And they would manage the both of us with money. But again, they would work overtime. Now, when I was younger, during the time when I Would get that bag of food. My dad was actually in the military for six years, so my mom was a single mom for the first part, at least, that's what it felt like. My dad was never there because obviously he was out doing other things. But my mom, she was the one trying to keep the money coming in. She was the one trying to get three kids up and ready for school. She was the one feeding all three of us, putting us in. In bed. And dealing with three kids under the same roof, that's not easy. Like, that's hard. And growing up, I never saw it that way. But now, as a grown adult, I see the struggles that my mom went through, and I will never take that for granted. I'm forever grateful, and I always make sure to let my mom know that I am grateful that I had her in my life as a young child. And no matter even if my dad was here with us or away from us, she did everything she could in her power to make sure that we got the things that made us happy.
- [14:06]
B
W Mom.
- [14:08]
A
W Mom.
- [14:08]
B
In the chat, tell us a little bit more about, you know, your school life. During these times that you guys were struggling. Was that something that you would kind of, like, talk about with your friends? Were you almost embarrassed, like, thinking, like, oh, my God, if I tell my friends that my family's struggling, like, are they gonna bully me? Are people gonna make me feel less? Like, what was that like for you? You know, going to school and knowing what you're dealing with at home? And then almost, you know, almost. I feel like when we go to school as kids, we kind of take it as in, like, okay, whatever's going on at home, we have this. This opportunity to, like, create a new life in school. What was that like for you?
- [14:44]
A
It's actually hard because I hate to admit that I was bullied. And I think that's because, to me, hearing, like, the word bully, like, it kind of just, like, makes me, like, feel embarrassed. And that's something I've never wanted to admit before in my entire life. But growing up, whenever my parents were poor, I was bullied in elementary school, And I was actually transferring from elementary school to elementary school to elementary school because how bad the bullying got. And since I didn't have things that other kids didn't have, they would kind of tease me for it. And I remember the last elementary school that I went to, a popular shoe brand was, like, D.C. at the time, and I didn't have any, and everyone would make fun of me for it, and I would Go home crying to my mom. And she was like, you know what? If you can practice dance, do your little dance routine right now, I'll watch, give you critiques. I'll buy you a pair tomorrow. Like, it was kind of that. And so it was really hard for me. It was a struggle for me to make friends growing up because I was getting bullied a lot. Especially because, again, since money was tight. Back in my elementary school, they had a pecan tree, and I would take the pecans off the tree, put it on the floor, smash it with my little foot during recess, and I would eat the pecans because. And I thought they were good, and they still are. I love pecans and I'll still eat. And. But growing up, that's what I did. I would take them off the tree during recess, and I would crack them, eat them. That was my little snack. But I wasn't ashamed of it. You know, I would get bullied. But at the end of the day, you know, when I went home to cry to my mom, she would tell me she was that mom who was like, they're just jealous of you. And, you know, honestly, every mom says that, no, these kids were not jealous of me, but my mom said that to me. So that way I wouldn't, you know, obviously be sad, be hurt. And so going back to school, I tried to rise above everything that happened to me. I still tried to become friends with the girls who were bullying me, and it didn't work out, but at least I tried. Which one? Different elementary school. And that was the. Finally, that was the final elementary school that I went to. And that's where I met lifelong friends. I did get bullied, but not as much as I did at the other one. And it had nothing to do with, like, actually kind of did. At my last, most recent elementary school, the final transfer I had, I was getting bullied for not wearing bows, I guess, like, at my school, like, Jojo Siwa bows. Yes. So I would go home crying to my mom that I didn't have bows. So what. What did she do? She went to Walmart, she bought ribbon, and she made bows. So every. Like, I don't remember what day it was, but I would wear the bows that my mom would make because she. And she did that for me so that way I could. Could fit in. I don't know. I feel like that just puts it in as an adult now. It just puts that into a lot of perspective for me because my mom really did go above and beyond, like, the fact that she handcrafted those bows like, like five minute craft. She did that herself. She did that for me because I was bullied. And so, I don't know, it just made me feel a lot better. And that was, you know, when I was younger, I guess, not having the things that other people had. That was kind of like the last time where I felt bullied for not having as much money. Obviously bullying did go on, like, throughout middle school and high school, but I feel like it wasn't as harsh as it was when I was younger for not having the things that people had.
- [17:49]
B
I think what it is, I feel like it's super normal to feel almost. You know, I told this story once. So I was born in Mexico, but when we first came to the States, we had an apartment, right? It was very much. It was. Was four siblings, my parents, so it was six of us in a one bedroom apartment. My parents slept in the living room and we all slept in the room. Right. I think it's so normal to feel almost embarrassed, ashamed, especially when you have kids. You know, I. I grew up with my friends all having, like, their own rooms, right? They would never come to my house, but I would always be going to theirs. Mine too. I grew up infested with cockroaches. People would go over, I'd be like, what was that? Nothing. It was me killing the cockroach. I swear to God. Cockroaches in my house were so normal that I kill those with my hat. I was not disgusted. I was like, nah, you're. You're not gonna survive.
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A
Literally with my elbow, like, literally, like what you do?
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B
Oh, nothing, Stretching, I swear to God. And I feel like, you know, as you get older, you start realizing that, you know, kids are mean, Kids are mean. And, you know, for. It took me a long time for me to be like, you know what them kids, Ah, I swear to God, fuck them kids. Cause at the end of the day, it's like, like they're making you feel bad for something you have no control over. And I love the fact that your mom was able to be there for you and be like, hey, you know what? I might not be able to get you Jojo Siwa bows.
- [19:09]
A
Ah, hey.
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B
But I can give you a dupe made from love. Made from love. And probably look just as good, looks better looking back. How do you feel? You know, that you growing up with your parents, struggling, seeing all that, how do you feel like that shaped the person you are today? Do you feel like that motivated you to almost work 10 times harder to have Like a better life than what your parents were able to provide. How do you feel like that affected you as an adult now?
- [19:33]
A
So hearing my parents, basically, they never mentioned that we wanted to give you a better life than we had until we were adults, me and my siblings. And so looking back at that, I wouldn't say that I want to grow up to. To give my kids a childhood I never had, because I genuinely feel like I had a great childhood even if I didn't have money. I had the best time with my parents, with my siblings, and. And even now, I'm forever grateful for the things that I have, and I will never take that for granted. So now that I'm an adult, I definitely want to push harder to be just as financially stable, if not even more billionaire type vibes for my parents.
- [20:11]
B
Manifest it.
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A
Manifest. I want it right.
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B
Say it to the world, to the.
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A
Universe, girl, and it will come. Billionaire. But, you know, I want to give back to my parents. Now with social media, I'm getting an income that I feel like not only supports me, but I also support my parents. And here and there, I will get back to them, not only to my parents, but to my siblings, especially my little sister, because to me, I see her as like my own little. My own little baby. And so I get back to her, I give back to my boyfriend, his family, just because, like, I feel like I was such at a low point growing up.
- [20:44]
B
Today's episode of Noche de Pendejadas is brought to you by booking.com booking. Yeah. From vacation rentals to hotels across the U.S. booking.com has the ideal stay for everyone. Whether you're booking for yourself, your partner, your sleep light rice early mom, or your hype maintenance group chat, you can find exactly what you're booking for on booking.com y' all should know by now how much I love booking dot com. Sisa Cuerdam Bien este mes yo me felas Vegas amigas. And we actually stayed downtown. And thanks to booking.com I was able to find the perfect room for me and Dennis. I went that whenever I get a hotel, I like, like to make sure that the hotel has everything that we can possibly need. And I also like to make sure it's spacious enough so we can have room to do our content. And with booking.com I was able to find just the right room. So if I can find the perfect stay. On booking.com anyone can find exactly what you're booking for. Booking.com booking. Yeah. But today on the site or on the app, now let's get back to today's episode. When did making plans get this complicated? It's time to streamline with WhatsApp, the secure messaging app that brings the whole group together.
- [22:06]
A
Use polls to settle dinner plans. Send event invites and pin messages so no one forgets mom 60th.
- [22:13]
B
And never miss a meme or milestone.
- [22:15]
A
All protected with end to end encryption. It's time for WhatsApp message privately with everyone. Learn more@WhatsApp.com that even if you aren't struggling, I'm just that person who will feel like I want to give you something, right? And I'm a giver because I feel like that's something I want to do. It makes me feel better. And again, like, I'm just grateful for everything that I have and I just want to share it with like, everyone in my life because I'm like, this is insane. And I would have never, like, little me, would have never thought that I would be in this position to just give out like, like money for my, for my mom to pay for rent or things like that. Like, I would have never thought that this would happen.
- [22:49]
B
Does that make you feel good, like, now being in that position?
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A
It does. And, and honestly, like, it's, it's surreal and it makes me, like, emotional at times because I, I seriously never thought that I would be in this, but not even like in this chair like this. Everything is surreal to me.
- [23:04]
B
I love that. And you know what I always tell people? You know, going through, you know, the struggle, seeing your parents struggle, I almost feel like it just something in you, you know, Like, I'm very appreciative of everything that my parents did for me. Obviously. I like to say I've always had this mindset of like, I love everything my parents have done for me, but I've always had it very instilled in my head that I always wanted more.
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A
You know what I mean?
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B
And for me, that has always been something that I feel like almost motivated me, you know what I mean? Going back to that little story time I said about when I went to the counselor and I went to her crying. It took me a while to even wanna go to the counselor. Cause I'm like, oh my God, I. I don't want the counselor to judge me. Or what if, like they call CPs like, oh, girl, your parents can't even afford to have a child. Like, you know, when you're a kid, you start thinking about these scenarios. So when I finally, you know, built the courage and I went to her, told her everything, like Maria Magdalena, you guys, I literally went in there and I'm like, oh my God, I'm gonna make her feel so bad that she's gonna be like, here, half for the rest, I got you. No, but you know what I mean? I was like, no, she's gonna make sure that I do independent study. She's gonna make sure that, you know, I get a job. Because, you know, you had to get it signed off to even be able to get a job. And when she told me that, like, that's not your problem, that's your parents problem, and I'm not gonna give you independent studies and I'm not gonna sign that permit for you, it almost made me feel like so little that I was like, I don't ever want to feel like that ever again. So I feel like it almost motivated me. Like, no, Miyamoto, you gotta work hard for whatever you want in life. And I feel like that is almost like your mindset too, where you're like, you know what? I'm appreciative, but I want to work hard to have everything I want.
- [24:46]
A
Yes, exactly.
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B
You know, we were talking last night a little bit about how, you know, growing up and even now, you know, you get a lot of like the oh, you're so whitewashed comments or just people, you know, saying things like that.
- [24:58]
A
How do you feel about that with the whitewash comment? For me, again, like I mentioned before, my mom was basically a single mother. She had to take care of three kids. And it was my me, my older brother and my younger sister. I'm two years apart from my sister, two years apart from my brother. She had to deal with all three of us. And I'm telling you, it was a shit show. Like every single day we would stress her out. I know people say that I'm whitewashed because I don't speak Spanish. And I'm. I'm sorry, but Spanish was actually my first language growing up. It was my first language. And my mom, once we kind of moved to Austin and I had went through that elementary school where people were making fun of me for not having DCs and clothes that they had. We had went to my final elementary school, which is where I was getting bullied for not having bows. That was like an all white people school. We kind of moved to a suburb. And actually going into that suburb, the reason why we ended up there was because living in that apartment where we had cockroaches everywhere. I remember always walking in, my mom crying in the living room, and I always Ask her mom, what's wrong? What's wrong? She never told me until one day she finally brought me, my siblings downstairs, and she was like, I applied for a house. Let's pray that we get it. And me and my siblings were praying, praying, praying. And I want to say, like, a week later, we found out that the house was ours. And my mom and dad were just break down crying in our kitchen. And we were so excited that we were finally gonna live in a home. We've lived in apartments our entire lives. And even when we were younger, we lived with our grandma. And it was my grandma, my cousins, my tias, my tio. Like, it was a full house. Yes, exactly. Everybody lived there. And now having our own home, me and my siblings were so excited. Once we went to that new house, my parents got walking in. We were like, our parents are undercover. Like, millionaires. Like, we thought we had so much money, we couldn't believe it. We had a chandelier in our dining room. And I remember when I walked into the house, I stood right underneath it, and I was like, what is this? Like, I've never seen a chandelier in my life. And the fact that we had one in our house, I was like. I was happy.
- [26:51]
B
You were probably like, they were trying to, like, teach us humility.
- [26:54]
A
Yes. I'm actually the princess of America. No, like, literally, I couldn't believe it. And that night, we were so excited. We slept right underneath the chandelier on the floor. No furniture. We just slept there.
- [27:06]
B
No cockroaches.
- [27:08]
A
No cockroaches. She was bougie.
- [27:10]
B
Yes.
- [27:10]
A
So we were really excited. In my entire life, I've always shared a room with my sister, so we still continue to share a room. But with my dad being gone, my mom tried to keep our Spanish alive because we were surrounded by white people and everyone was speaking English. Nobody was speaking Spanish. And so it kind of got harder because I started to get more involved with the school. I started doing, like, dance classes. I started going to ymca. Everyone spoke English. So I kind of got to the point, we all did, where we started to lose our Spanish. And so what my mom decided to do was she bought a poster board from the Dollar Tree, and she put Monday through Friday. And then going down, she put Jezera, Jocelyn, Jesse. And every single day, she'd be like, who practiced their Spanish? Who didn't? If you practiced it, she would put a sticker on Monday. Then Tuesday, she'll ask the same thing. And at the end of the week, whoever had the most stickers would get $5. Now, $5 was. That was big bucks for us. Like, we're like, okay, we're gonna go to the dollar tree.
- [28:09]
B
We're gonna spill her five bags of chips.
- [28:11]
A
Exactly.
- [28:12]
B
Not now. Back then.
- [28:13]
A
Yes, back then.
- [28:14]
B
Now I'm like, that's one bag.
- [28:19]
A
So. Yeah. So growing up, you know, we did try our hard hardest to kind of stay and focus on our Spanish, but it got harder as we went along with school because I even started getting into theater. And so I was constantly at school doing theater classes. And then there was always, like, talent shows. And so I would always stay after school doing talent shows. So I was never home, like, barely home. And so. And when I was home, you know, I was too lazy to do homework, didn't want to do my Spanish. And so growing up, now I regret it. I definitely do. I wish I spoke. Spoke two different languages because I can't speak with my grandparents. They only speak Spanish. And it breaks my heart. Thankfully, I have my mom, and she's always, you know, And I'm like, what did they say? Okay? And I have duolingo on my phone. And so. Yeah, so grow. So now I'm just like, wow. Like, I really wish that I stuck to it and tried my hardest. But as a kid, like, I feel like you can't really blame me.
- [29:13]
B
I feel like you just adapt to what you know as a kid. Exactly.
- [29:15]
A
And that's where I grew up. And I wouldn't call it whitewash. I really wouldn't. Because for me, people also call me whitewash because of the way that I dress. But growing up, I was always told to dress modest. My dad wouldn't allow me to wear leggings to school. I wasn't allowed to wear shorts. I wasn't allowed to wear crop tops. So I've always just stuck to wearing things that kind of covered up my entire body. And people call that whitewash. But I'm like, for me, it's modesty.
- [29:40]
B
For me, it's clothing.
- [29:41]
A
It's clothing resistance. It's not that serious. Serious. And so people say that about me too. But at the same time, I also believe that, like, for. For, like, Lululemon, people say, you're a white girl. I'm like, wait, do they own Lululemon? No. Like, I feel like Lululemon is for all kinds of. It's for all races. It's not just for. For white people, you know, I feel like it's for everyone. And so when I wear it and people call me whitewash, I'm like, okay, like, I just. I feel comfortable. I feel comfortable in it. My entire life, this is what I've. I've. I've been comfortable. And I'm not used to, like, showing my skin as much. Sometimes I will if I'm feeling, like, scandalous, but it's because I'm an adult. Like, I can. But that's just how I feel. And so. And I feel like that's why people call me Whitewash.
- [30:20]
B
Do the comments ever get to you about that?
- [30:21]
A
So, honestly, they did get to me, but now I've gotten to the point where they don't affect me as much as they did. I would always cry to my mom, telling her, like, oh, my gosh, like, people are calling me Whitewash. And she's like, jocelyn, what even is whitewash? She's like, I've never even heard of that. She's like, that's like a new thing for your generation. I'm like, oh, okay, Mom. And so she would tell me, like, that's not who you. Like, you know who you are.
- [30:42]
B
Yeah.
- [30:43]
A
You know where. Where you came from. You know how you grew up, and that's all that matters. You don't need to explain anything to anybody. And I'm like, you're so right, because I would. I'm. I fire back. Okay. And I think it's just. It's a mechanism because when I feel attacked or when I feel hurt or when I'm so sensitive, I just, like, I start attacking people. And I feel like, you know, I've definitely learned from that now, but, like, that's how I get like, oh, you're gonna attack me?
- [31:04]
B
Me too.
- [31:05]
A
I'm like, okay, my turn.
- [31:06]
B
I'm like, let me read you right.
- [31:09]
A
Let me see your profile picture. Like, I do that all the time. And so when I see comments like that. Because it would usually be on live, I don't get it usually. I mean, I get it sometimes on my videos, but it was always through live sometimes. And so I'd sit there, and I'm like, okay, well, I'm not whitewashed. You don't know anything about me. Like, I would go off.
- [31:23]
B
Yeah.
- [31:23]
A
And then I've gone to the point where I'm like, I shouldn't care what people think. I know who I am. I know where I came from. I know how I grew up. I know that I am my own person, and that is what matters to me. And I feel like it took so long for me to get to that. That point. I. It took me like, maybe, like, 30, 50 times for me to cry to my mom, for me to, for it to finally click in my head that you're right, I'm my own person. And, and these are just people behind the screen.
- [31:52]
B
And I feel like it's good that you have that mindset now because, you know, you could have easily been so stuck on that, especially being on social media. You know, whatever you hear here and there in your real life, you can easily cut those people off. Because constant hearing that online, you're like, wait, what the? Like, sometimes we can start believing, but then we have to stop ourselves and be like, you know what? Like your mom said, they don't know about me other than what I put out there. They don't know my upbringing, they don't know why, how, when, how I stopped, you know, speaking Spanish. Like, why am I gonna let their comment affect how I move or how I go about my life? Is Spanish something that you eventually at least wanna, if not master it, like, bring back a little bit of your Spanish.
- [32:35]
A
So I've been using duolingo, actually. Plug it in, girl. Right? No, I've actually been using that. I've been practicing with my boyfriend and he's like, what are you doing? Yeah, I'm like, I'm practicing. He's like, oh, okay. Because like out of nowhere I'll start speaking Spanish. Well, not like a full on like sentence, but like I'm trying. Okay. And I feel like I'm not doing it for the comments, I'm doing it for myself because I want to and because I'm done being the little girl who kind of pushed it to the side. Like, I'm ready to take a step forward and to finally put my big girl pants on and, and sit the down and practice my Spanish.
- [33:13]
B
I love that. And I feel like it's okay, you know, I have my. He is, I think 14. And it was funny because my boyfriend's parents and my boyfriend, they got the residency last year and you know when they started planning like going to Mexico, my brother in law, he knows and understands Spanish, but to speak it at a fluent level, he panics, right? And when they were getting ready to go to Mexico, obviously everyone in Mexico speaks Spanish like his family, right? He was, one day we caught him and he was like on duolingo, right? And we're like, what are you doing? Like, like cool. Like, oh, you download duolingo? He's like, yeah, it's because we're going to Mexico and I want to be prepared. And I'm like, that's cute. Cause, like, you know. You know, you're. You're like, okay, maybe for you, when you were younger, you're like, well, I'm not going to Mexico all the time, so it's not that important. But it's like, you know, and now as an adult, you're like, now I. I want to make a priority, right? Like, for him, if they would have never gone to Mexico, he probably would have not make it a priority, right?
- [34:11]
A
I visit Mexico with my family, I practice my Spanish, and I'm ordering my food. Or that's what I do every single time. Because me and my family always go to Mexico every year, mostly over the summer, because that's when I have time. And when I do, I'm always practicing my Spanish when I order my food or when. And my boyfriend's not used to that because, again, like, I never really. I guess, like, continued with Spanish since I was younger. And so for my boyfriend, it's not. He's not used to hearing me speak Spanish. He's not used to me having my little accent. And he's like, what did you just say? And I'm like, oh, I'm just speaking.
- [34:44]
B
What's your favorite Spanish line? Like, if you need to impress me, like, oh, she always knows something. Like, como estas? You know what como estas is?
- [34:54]
A
Yes, I do. Wait, restart. What would it be like, how are you? You? Yes.
- [35:00]
B
Okay, so she knows some.
- [35:02]
A
Hola, comostas.
- [35:03]
B
Yes. Hi. How are you?
- [35:05]
A
Jocelyn?
- [35:06]
B
Okay. She's like. And that's it. She's like, that's all I practice, but.
- [35:11]
A
I think it's good.
- [35:11]
B
It's. It's the fact that, like you said, you're growing up and you're realizing that you want to, you know, practice it and know it more. That's all that matters. Because I feel like, you know, people are going to talk. A lot of people that probably talk shit probably don't even know proper Spanish, right? You know, they can be no sabos, so it's okay. You guys get too worried. What about yourself? How's your Spanish doing? How's your English doing, right? I'm like, how's your math level?
- [35:37]
A
Are you on literally what level, girl?
- [35:39]
B
I'm like, I don't even know. There was levels. I. I've never heard duolingo. Talking about your childhood. In eighth grade, you were diagnosed with Meniere's disease. Tell us a little bit more about that. What were the symptoms that you first were experiencing? What was the process like to get diagnosed? And how did the doctor explain what was going on to you?
- [36:00]
A
I experienced my first vertigo episode whenever I was in eighth grade. I was laying down upstairs on my I had a two story the house that I moved into. My last house. On the first floor we had a game room and on the bottom floor was the living room, my parents room, the kitchen, everything like that. I was laying down upstairs on the second floor watching a show and I remember I knew I was home alone. This episode is brought to you by State Farm. Checking off the boxes on your to do list is a great feeling. And when it comes to checking off coverage, a State Farm agent can help you choose an option that's right for you. Whether you prefer talking in person on the phone or using the award winning app, it's nice knowing you have help finding coverage that best fits your needs. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there the new Popeyes and Hot Ones menu is Fire Flavor.
- [36:53]
B
Trust me because I'm about to eat it.
- [36:56]
A
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B
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A
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- [37:35]
A
But at the same time I knew my I knew my dad was there. I just knew my siblings weren't. And so I was laying down watching a show, Casey Undercover. And I remember mid show my head fell to the side, everything started spinning. Literally. The ceiling would turn in a full 360 over and over and over. And imagine I was in eighth grade. Yeah, I was laying down and I'm watching my show and my head falls because my turns every episode start right to left every single time and my head falls with it. And so I remember laying down on my couch and when my head fell, everything started spinning and I had no idea what was happening. I couldn't stand up, I couldn't open my eyes because the lights were affecting it and I didn't know what was happening. I was so scared. So I started yelling. I was like, dad, Jesse because I thought my brother was home. He wasn't. And so I kept yelling my dad's name over and over, but my dad couldn't hear me because he was in his room. And so I ended up crawling down the stairs while my head was tilted, while everything was spinning. I was just crawling, Yelling, yelling, yelling. My dad comes out, and he's like, what's going on? I'm like. I'm like, I don't know. Like, I'm dizzy. I can't walk. I can't talk. So he picks me up. He. He puts me on the living room couch, and he starts calling my mom. And he puts on Animal Planet. And he's like, this will make you relax. I'm like, no, dad. Like, I'm going through something. I don't need to watch Animal Planet. So I remember he calls my mom, and he's like, Jocelyn's, like, freaking out. Apparently, she's dizzy. Like he didn't know what was going on. Yeah, my mom didn't know either. And so I'm this couch, and I am crying, telling my dad how much in pain I was, because, yes, everything was spinning, but it started making me nauseous. My head started to hurt. I had light sensitivity, and I didn't know what was going on. And so I ended up closing my eyes. And when I closed my eyes, it still felt like I was spinning because I could see everything spinning. But when I closed my eyes, I still felt like I was spinning, as if I was on a chair and someone was spinning that chair in a circle. It was the worst feeling ever. And it lasted four hours. Four hours of this feeling, and I had no idea what was going on. My mom had come home. She was trying to figure out what was wrong. We didn't know what happened. So I had a bunch of neurological. Is that how you say it? Neurological? I think so.
- [39:49]
B
Am I Sure.
- [39:50]
A
I mean, whatever you want.
- [39:53]
B
Just kidding.
- [39:54]
A
I end up going to a bunch of neurological appointments, and I got a bunch of CAT scans, MCATs, things like that. They ended up telling me that I was diagnosed with Meniere's disease, which is, I guess, unbalanced fluid in your ears that actually caused me to have sensorineural hearing loss. I'm deaf in my left ear and in my right ear. I want to say 92% deaf, 86%, something like that. And that was when I was in eighth grade. Not only was I diagnosed with that, but I also have epilepsy. And my mom kind of thought, you know, what if these episodes are happening because you're epileptic? But no, it was Meniere's disease. So I was Dealing with this. And I'm still dealing with it my entire life, since I was in eighth grade. And I ended up going to so many doctor's appointments. And I remember being so embarrassed about it because in school I would get these episodes at random times where my head would just fall. I would be in class doing my homework, my head would fall. Every single time I decided to do was sit there with my head down. Even when class got out, I would sit there and if people were like, justin, like, let's go, class is over. I'd fake it off as if I was asleep because I was more embarrassed to tell people what was happening. So I would wait till everyone left and then my teacher would come up and she's like, justin, like, what's going on? And I'd be like, I have a vertical episode. They'd call the nurse and they would drag me out of class in a wheelchair. Because when I have a vertical episode, I can't walk. I can't. I can't really focus on talking because I'm in so much pain.
- [41:18]
B
Do you feel like you almost have like an out of body experience?
- [41:21]
A
I mean. Yeah, it kind of. I don't even know how, how to explain. It was the worst feeling I've ever felt in my entire life. And with light sensitivity, I felt like I was nothing. Like I couldn't do anything. So they would wheel me out of class and I was so embarrassed because I was in eighth grade, I had just graduated. So going into high school, I was a freshman. And when they would wheel me out, they would go from the top floor to the second floor, and everyone would look at me. I was so embarrassed because I was like, I can't tell anybody why I'm in this wheelchair. So my nurse, nurse, she'd put my. My jacket or whatever I had over my face so I wouldn't have to look at anybody because I really was embarrassed. I would have to sit in the nursing. In the nursing room for, I want to say, like an hour until my mom picked me up. They actually would put me in these, like, separate rooms that they had. And they would have to turn the lights off. And I would just lay there and I would try to take a nap if I could. If I couldn't, I would just lay there and kind of massage my head a little bit near my. Like, I don't even know what this is, my sinus area. I don't even know. And so my mom showed up. Then my mom would take me home and it became a reoccurring thing. I had a vertical episode every single day. And to the point where I was missing class because obviously my mom would have to pick me up. I couldn't be in class anymore. So we kept going to appointments. I kept taking tests and things like that. And they ended up prescribing me this medication. The medication didn't make it any better. If anything, I feel like it hurt. And they told me that I had to take the medic that medication for the rest of my life. And for me, it was kind of terrifying because I'm like, I don't want to damage my kidneys, or I think that's what medication damages. Right, Your kidneys or your liver. So I was like, you know, I don't want to damage my. My organs.
- [43:01]
B
Yeah.
- [43:02]
A
So I. I stopped taking that medication, and instead I continued to suffer with vertigo episodes. I was in drill team. I was on the varsity drill team. I made it my freshman year in high school. And during shows, like dance shows, dance competitions, I would get a vertical episode, and I would freak out because, honestly, it's terrifying for me to be alone. Even if I was around my dance team. I didn't really have a good relationship with most of the girls on the team. So to be around them, I didn't really feel comfortable dealing with it. So they would have to call my mom, and she would have to come behind stage, and she actually. I would lay there, and for vertical episode exercises, what we called it is I would have to lay flat on my back. Back. I would. To look up at the ceiling, and I would have to turn my left. My head slowly to the left. Then I have to turn it slowly to the right, slowly back to the middle. And I would do that over and over to balance out the fluid in my ears. And I would do that every single time I'd episode. And it was embarrassing. I honestly was embarrassed because girls that didn't like me on the dance team were kind of like. Like, what are you doing? Like, get off the floor. Like, you're being dramatic. But no, it was. It was really hard for me to deal with.
- [44:02]
B
Like, they would think you would be. You were just trying to get attention.
- [44:05]
A
Dramatic, you know? Yeah. And it was serious. Like, I. I wouldn't wish vertigo on anybody. Not only that, but with light sensitivity, if I were to feel better after an episode, I would go on stage, perform, and the lights would affect my eyes. It would hurt, they're so bright. And it was hard. And it was hard to be a dancer. I love dancing. Like, that is my Passion. But that wasn't that. That's a reason why I had to stop dancing. I stopped dancing in my junior year of high school school because it got to the point where I couldn't do it anymore. And I was embarrassed to admit it, honestly, because nobody knows what vertigo is. Every time I mention it to people, they're like, what's vertigo?
- [44:40]
B
You know, what's so crazy that at first I thought it was, like, the skin disease when you mentioned vertigo. But that's vitiligo.
- [44:46]
A
Yes.
- [44:47]
B
Yes. So I feel like it's like, one of those things where not a lot of people know. Growing up and being so young, did you understand what was going on with you, or you just kind of were like, what the fuck is going on? I feel this way. I don't. The doctor explained it to me this way, but I don't know what the hell the doctor means by his explanation. Do you feel like your diagnosis also affected your confidence?
- [45:09]
A
Yeah. So I. I never really knew, like, how different this was because I was the first person in my entire lifetime to know or be aware of what vertigo was. Meniere's disease, yet alone. Senso neural hair hearing loss. And to hear that at a young age, it did affect me. I was embarrassed. I was embarrassed to tell anybody. So growing up dating, I never told anybody I was going through vertigo. I. I confided in one teacher in my high school because she made me feel comfortable. And other than that, I refused to tell anybody. And so I kept it to myself. And then my doctor tells me, jocelyn, you need to eat 1500 milligrams of sodium a day. Day. And for me, that was a big deal because I would look at my favorite granola bar, and it'd be 500 milligrams, and I'm like, damn, I can't eat that much today. Growing up, I struggled more and more and more. And it got to the point where my freshman year in high school, I had met Kobe, my boyfriend. I met him the month before I had went into college. He was a great person. You know, I. I had a crush. I didn't want to look like, you know, a weirdo or, like, you know, I didn't want to be like. Like, I didn't want to be too much for him. I didn't want to show him that I had Virgo. And to me, that was weird. I didn't want him to think I was a weird person. And so I didn't open up to him about me having vertigo. And it wasn't until my Freshman year, we were outside talking, and mid conversation, my head falls to the right and I'm freaking out. And he's like, what's going on? What's happening? And I'm like, I need to go inside. So he had to pick me up, and he had to take me inside my dorm, puts me on my bed. He calls my mom, and he's, like, panicking. He's like, I don't know what's on. Going, going on. Like, there's something happening with her. And, you know, I ended up having, like. That was the moment where I had to tell him I have vertigo. Because I never told any past relationships. I never told, you know, I told, like, my closest friends, but I never told, like, acquaintances or anything like that. And so for me, this was, like, a big step. I had to tell my head vertigo. And for the first time ever, throughout my four years of having vertigo, I never threw up. And for some reason, this one time when I'm with my boyfriend, I spent start throwing up uncontrollably because of how dizzy I was. So I threw up all over my dorm room bed, all over my dorm room floor, all over my stepping stool to get onto my bed. I threw up everywhere.
- [47:20]
B
Is he, like, panicking, not knowing?
- [47:21]
A
Oh, he was panicking. He calls me. He was on the phone with my mom, and he's like, jocelyn is throwing up. She says she's having vertigo. What do I do? And my mom's, like, freaking out because Lubbock, Texas, is six hours away from Austin, so my mom can't just hop in the car and come help me out. So she's telling Kobe this is what she needs to do. She has vertical exercises. She needs to follow. So Kobe sitting there, and he's like, jocelyn, we need to do your exercises. And I'm like, kobe, no. Like, I. I need to go to sleep. I don't feel good. I need to go to sleep. He's like. He's like, you're gonna feel dizzy longer if you don't do your exercises. And I'm like, I don't care, because.
- [47:53]
B
Then if you try to go to sleep, your shit's gonna still be sweet, right?
- [47:56]
A
And so he tried talking sentence to me, but I, me being me, was arguing with him. And he calls my mom again. He's like, jocelyn refuses to do the exercises. She says she wants to fall asleep. So for some odd reason, I end up falling asleep, which lucky me, because when I woke up, all that throw up that was all over my room was gone. And Hobie Was sitting at the edge of my bed, and I had. I have a picture in my phone. I have tears of black mascara all over my face. I wake up with my hair looking like a net. What is it?
- [48:27]
B
Like a bird's nest.
- [48:28]
A
Bird's nest. Sorry. Bird's nest. And I look insane. And Kobe's just sitting at the edge of my bed. Bed. Rubbing my back, hanging out with me. And everything was gone. He had washed my sheets, my blankets. All the throat was gone. And. And Kobe is one to, like, kind of gag whenever he sees throw up.
- [48:43]
B
Yeah.
- [48:43]
A
But in that moment, he stepped up and he cleaned everything for me. That made me feel safe, you know? So I confided in him, told him about my vertigo episodes. So to this day, Kobe is the one person who helps me with my vertigo episodes. And it's crazy because I never would have thought that I'd be at this point where I'd feel comfortable telling someone about this. But whenever I have an episode, Kobe's there massaging my head. Rubs a cold egg on my forehead. He'll. I. I'll use like, little. There's like, compress, a cold compress, things that you put on your head. He'll put one on my head. Or he'll. He'll do things to help me. No matter what time it is, I'll get vertigo. If I'm dreaming about vertigo, I'll wake up, which is the craziest thing ever. So if I have a dream at 2am, I'll wake up up with vertigo, the weirdest thing ever. And I'll wake up at 4am, 3am and as soon as I wake up having vertigo, Kobe will wake up. And he doesn't even care how late it is. He sits there and he massages my head until the pain goes away and I fall asleep. He's been that for so long. I remember there was this one time where I actually had vertigo on live. And I was embarrassed. I. I hadn't told anybody. I still haven't. This is like my first time really, like, opening up about it. But I had vertigo on it on a live stream. And my head fell to the right, and I actually fell. I collapsed to the floor in Kobe's restroom with my phone on the mirror. And people were making jokes like, damn, like, what happened to you? Like, because they didn't know what was going on. So I'm not gonna blame them for that. They. They thought I was like, being goofy. No, I fell on the floor. I started screaming for help. Kobe runs in, ends my live stream Picks me up, puts me on the bed. And in that moment, I was embarrassed. I was like, I hope no one clipped that. Thankfully, no one did. But, like, in. In that moment, I was so scared and so embarrassed because still, I was afraid of opening up to my platform and to my followers about what I've been struggling with my entire life. But Kobe, he's the one person that I have in my life who makes me feel confident, who makes me feel like I'm normal and not weird.
- [50:41]
B
Yeah.
- [50:42]
A
And with a little, like, vertigo update, I. Like I said, I've been struggling with vertigo since I was in eighth grade. I want to say earlier this year, I was praying, crying to God, that I wish I was normal. I have epilepsy. I have Meniere's disease. I have central neuro hearing loss. There's always something wrong with me. And I started crying and praying, telling him that I wish he made me normal. I don't know why he didn't, and that I was struggling. There's times where I have vertigo, and I'm like, I don't want to be alive. Like, it got really hard for me, actually.
- [51:16]
B
It's okay.
- [51:18]
A
It got really hard for me, actually. I was doing so good not crying, but I would actually cry to Kobe and I would tell him, like, I wish this wasn't happening to me. I'm friends with so many people, and there's so many people in my life, life who are normal, who get to live this life where they're just happy. And then there's me, who basically collapses to the floor and can't walk, can't talk. And it was hard. And so I prayed to God and I was telling him to heal me and that I was doing everything right to glorify him and to follow this path of faith and to be a good person. So I didn't understand why this was happening to me. Me. And thankfully, I haven't had a vertical episode. And I don't know how long. I want to say, maybe like, six, five, six months. I haven't had a vertical episode. And for me, I kind of saw that as a sign from God that this is, like, his time where he's helping me. And so I try my hardest to eat better, to eat healthier, to not have so much sodium intake, not. Not so much sugar intake, but for it to finally be calm right now. Like, I'm grateful because I've been dealing with this for years, and it's been a hard thing in my life that I had to deal with. And I had to keep it off social media for the longest, longest time.
- [52:43]
B
You know, you mentioned about your diet and about, you know, the. So thank you so much, by the way, for opening up, because I know you were telling me, you know, prior to the interview that you really do want to open up because it also opens a sense of transparency with your audience. You know, like, this is a part of me. This is a part that maybe they don't know, but now that they know, they're like, oh, shit. I didn't know that she was going through that. You know, going back to, you know, the sodium intake. The diet. What is the diet like for someone who suffers from. This is like a very strict diet where you have to, like, watch everything you eat.
- [53:17]
A
Yeah. So my favorite snacks are always hot cheetos. I was known in school, school to, like, eat bags of hot cheetos. Like, it was bad. I would eat, like, not the big bags, like the medium ones, the medium ones every single day, once a day. And honestly, my doctor was like, you gotta stop doing that. And so it got to the point where I had to cut off sugar entirely. And like, I mentioned, growing up, I wasn't really allowed to eat sugar. I wasn't allowed to eat soda. So for this to happen, like, in eighth grade was. Was unusual. But it's because I would with, like, snack lines and stuff like that in school, like, the snack area, I would buy myself these things and I would eat it. And I guess it kind of like bit me in the butt because I started getting vertigo. But with my diet, it got to the point where I would eat like once a day, twice a day, no sugar, no chips. Had to be healthy. My mom would make me chicken, she'd make me white rice, bakbi, salmon, things like that. And I would even eat tuna as, like, a snack. But it got to the point where I wasn't really eating that much. So I lost a little weight. But, you know, obviously when I went to college, I started forgetting that diet that my mom put me on. I started eating everything I could get my hands on. Me and Kobe, we love to eat. So whenever he would visit me, he would buy me boxes of Tiff Treats. Because at Texas State Tech, there is a Tiff Treats right next. Like, on University, it's like a main road of the campus, he would go order me Tiff treat cookies, and we would eat that every single day. It would be tip treats, crumble. It was bad. But he got to the point where we were eating sweets every single day. So what would happen? I'D get vertigo every single day. But now I'm full organic. I watch what I eat. Me and Kobe both, we kind of, like, try to keep each other, like, on track of what we're trying to. To do for our health. So I've been cooking a lot healthier. You know, I shop at sprouts, I shop at natural grocers. Like, I'm trying really hard to, like, better myself and my health, especially because I feel like this is a sign from God. I haven't had vertigo in six months.
- [55:19]
B
I love that.
- [55:20]
A
That's a big step for me. And I haven't done anything. Not only that, but when I was younger, I was told that my central neuro hearing loss would never get better. For some reason, I have my hearing back, which is weird because you don't hear that. You don't hear that hearing gets better on its own. So. So for the past six months, my hearing has been 10 out of 10. Usually whenever I'd visit my boyfriend's family or, you know, even speak to my family, I can't hear anybody. I'd sit there at the table and they're like, talking. I'm like, what's going on? And they're literally talking to me, and I have no idea. So it was embarrassing. I was embarrassed. And my boyfriend would be like. Like, Kobe would be like, jocelyn, I have to tell them you have vertigo. I'm like, no, you're not going to tell them I have vertigo. You're not going to tell them I'm deaf. Like, I am am 19 years old. Like, that's. No, I'm not. I. No, do not tell them I'm deaf. And he begged also. I need to. So it got to the point where I ended up, you know, agreeing with him, and I was, okay, fine. And so now I'm at the point where they can say something like, did you hear that? I'm like, yep, loud and clear. I heard that. I heard that upstairs. I heard that three floors up. Like, I heard what I can hear now, and it's crazy. And I truly believe that it. It was God who did this in my life. Because before that prayer, everything was a shit show. I was getting vertigo. I couldn't hear. And now, for some odd reason, things are so much better for me.
- [56:37]
B
I love that, you know, thank you so much once again for opening about something so, you know, something that you always felt like you had to protect for yourself. And I also love the fact that you almost didn't let that determine you. You know, I feel like you're thriving now. You know what you need to do, do to not get these episodes, but you're also not letting that define you. Where do you feel like that comes from? Like, do you feel like now as an adult, you're like, you know what? This happens to me. I've gone through this, but I'm not going to let that be. Oh, that's it, Jocelyn. That's all she is. You know, where do you find almost that resilience to keep going, even though you know what you've gone through with your Meniere's disease?
- [57:16]
A
I honestly feel like it makes me stronger, like, dealing with this for so many years. The fact that nobody would have suspected this shows that I've done a good job. I continue to put a smile on my face, whether it's on social media or in real life. I continue to do that to everyone. And honestly, it makes me feel better knowing that now. Now I'm comfortable to talk about it, but years ago, five years ago, I wasn't. I wasn't comfortable at all. So to know that I'm at this point, it makes me feel like I did something good. Along the lines of, like, being diagnosed with Meniere's disease. With that, I just feel like I'm very grateful for where things have ended up and where I'm at right now, because it really was a struggle dealing with all of this. And so I'm. I'm just grateful.
- [58:03]
B
I love that, you know, the fact that you didn't let that define you, you know, goes to show anyone at home watching, you know, you guys can be going through anything, and it really does come down to, like, if you let that. That define, you know, what piece of advice can you give anyone watching at home, whether they're struggling with Meniere's disease or any type of disease, where they almost feel hopeless, where they almost feel like things won't get better, to where they almost, like you, we've been saying almost that that disease define them. What piece of advice can you give someone watching that feels that way?
- [58:35]
A
Honestly, ever since I got diagnosed with my Meniere's disease, and now that I'm an adult and I've grown a lot more since I was in eighth grade, I feel like this is what makes me who I am. And like I said, I feel like it's made me a lot stronger, and it's made me a strong person, woman in general, because dealing with this wasn't easy and because I was embarrassed. And the fact that now I'm speaking up about it Shows that I've grown so much strength. And I feel like if you're dealing with Vertigo, you shouldn't have to keep it inside. You shouldn't have to. To feel scared or embarrassed, to sell anyone. Because I feel like this is what makes you you. I feel like it's. It's normal. Not that many people talk about it, but it is a normal disease, and it's something that. It can be common in a lot of people. And with that, I know it's scary. I get scared going on planes, actually. And with Vertigo, I constantly have to catch my own head while I'm on a plane. And Kobe, he always was on flights with me. No matter where I go, he's the one to be there by my side because he knows that can I. I can't fly alone because if I do, I'll freak out because I'm like, shoot. Like I'm about to get a vertical episode. So he'll be there, right there to catch my head. Whenever it falls, he'll massage it, do whatever he needs to do. And I feel like that alone should be. I guess I feel like that's inspiring because I confided in someone who loves me so much, and I don't know why I was so embarrassed. I really don't. I feel like it was so silly, so childish, but at the same time, time, like, my feelings were valid when I was younger, but now that I'm older, I. I really started to understand that it's not something to be ashamed of, you know, I can't control it. You know, God made me this way, and it was for a reason. And I think it was to make me a stronger person.
- [60:14]
B
And I love that you've been able to find someone that, you know, maybe your whole life, you almost felt like there was something wrong with you, right? And I'm glad you were able to find someone. Someone who you know, can be there for you and almost reassure you. Like, yeah, this is something that you deal with. But almost like that isn't who I see, and that isn't all that there is to you, you know? I love that for you.
- [60:36]
A
I do feel like alcohol, too, was a big thing with my vertigo. My freshman year, I was so caught up in trying to make friends that when I finally did, these group of girls actually found me from Tick Tock and I was kind of scared. I was like, a little skeptical. I'm like, oh, God, my. Like, do they want to kidnap me? Like, what's going on? But no, they were actually great. And when I met them. They were all drinking in their dorm. And I. Obviously, you know, I didn't start drinking until I was a senior, but I wasn't, like, an alcoholic. Like, I would drink, like, once, five months. Every five months. When I went to college, I started drinking with them, and I paid the price. I would drink, and I would be in my dorm throwing up till 4 or 5 in the morning. And in those moments of throwing up, I was so embarrassed to tell my friends. So I would FaceTime my Kobe. I would spam him over and over and over and over and over until he answered. And if he didn't answer, I'd call my mom, and I would FaceTime her over and over and over and over. And sometimes my mom will answer. Sometimes Kobe will answer. No matter who answered. I would prop them up on the toilet. So disgusting. But I would throw up because I actually have a fear of throwing up and having them there, whether it was through a phone. It made me feel a lot safer and a lot comfortable, and. And with throwing up and having. And having everything spinning in a circle, it stressed me out, and I would get a lot of anxiety. My freshman year. My freshman year, I was actually in a dark place, and I was struggling a lot mentally, and with vertigo on top. It didn't make things better drinking alcohol. Now I'm 21, and I. I don't. I don't drink. Like, I mean, I drink.
- [62:07]
B
You're not a drinker?
- [62:08]
A
I'm not a drinker. Like, I took two shots, but that doesn't count. But I'm not a drinker. Like, I was in freshman year. I don't drink to the point where I start throwing up and having a vertigo. I've kind of limited myself, and I know sometimes people get peer pressured. I was peer pressured. My friends weren't telling me, jocelyn, drink. No, I was watching them, and I was like. Like, lips fun. Pour me a cup. You know, like, that's what. Like, that's the kind of person I am. I don't get peer pressured. My. I peer pressure myself. And so that's what I was doing my freshman year. And I got to the point where it was really, really bad. It happened every single night. So I had to open. Open up to my friends. And thankfully, they weren't judging me. They were like, oh, my gosh. Like, jocelyn, we don't have to. And knowing me, I was like, girl, but we will. Yeah, we will all be here tonight.
- [62:46]
B
Like, I'm not telling you this to stop.
- [62:49]
A
Like, we're still gonna do It.
- [62:50]
B
I'm just letting you know, just know.
- [62:51]
A
What I struggle with.
- [62:52]
B
I'm gonna take one for the team. I might be throwing up later, but just know I had fun. I did.
- [62:59]
A
I would take one for the team, but you know what? They were so, like, they didn't care. They still loved me, and I'm still friends with them. That was freshman year. I'm a senior now, and I love that.
- [63:07]
B
You also know as an adult, you know, you know what you're going through, you know your struggles, and you're like, you know what? I know my limitations because I know what can happen, you know, about your journey on social media. Obia Mente, we see you all over social media today, but it wasn't always that way. Tell us a little bit more about what made you start creating content. Content. What inspired you? Who inspired you? And what was it like in your early days of creating content?
- [63:36]
A
Growing up, I actually was never allowed to have a phone. I didn't have musically, and I kind of feel left out when I see people like, oh, my gosh, like, this was on musically. Like, I wouldn't know. I didn't have musically. I didn't have vine and I have Instagram. I didn't have Snapchat. I only had YouTube growing up. I didn't get a phone until I was a freshman in high school. And so for me, that was crazy because people had phones when we were in, like, second grade.
- [64:02]
B
Yeah.
- [64:02]
A
Like, girl, what are you texting? Like, nothing. Like, we're children, you know? But with my parents, they felt like that electronics were kind of draining.
- [64:08]
B
Yeah.
- [64:09]
A
So growing up in the new house that we lived in, we would do, like, water balloon fights outside. We would. My mom made, like, a pool out. We bought a pool from, like, Walmart and we put in the backyard. We'd swim in it. We would watch movies. We were very, like, active family. We would run in the mornings. We. We did things outside.
- [64:28]
B
You were iPad kids.
- [64:29]
A
I was an iPad kid. Now, I did have an iPad growing up, but my parents downloaded this app called KidsLock, the worst app in the entire world. Basically, it's where your apps will disappear on us at a certain time. So literally, we would have YouTube, Google Safari. Boom. Disappeared at, like, 6pm Couldn't use anything on the iPad. And they wouldn't reappear till the, like, 10 in the morning the next day. Right. Like, throwing out the windowing. They did that to us. And it was. And, you know, and even though they did that, me and my sister, when we did, had that Short amount of time of YouTube. Me and my sister Jezree, we would watch YouTube videos of Nikki and Gabby. We would watch them. We'd watch like, like makeup tutorials, Like Nikki tutorials, things like that. Jeffree star. We watched so many makeup artists. And we would sit there in our. And at the time, our elementary school, our middle school, high school, they would give us Lenovo's. I want to say, at the time I was in middle school, but we would use, like, a Lenovo laptop given to us by the district, and we would record videos on the laptop and we'd pretend like we were in a YouTube video. We would sit there, we'd do our makeup in front of the mirror. We do, like, cooking videos. Because I was obsessed with Food Network, I would watch like, cupcake wars, cake wars, things like that with my sister. And we would practice that on our laptops. We never posted them because we weren't allowed to, but we would still make that. So growing up, I always had this, like, passion, but I never really thought of anything at. I never really thought of it as anything as, like, that you could do. That I can do. Right, exactly. And so it wasn't until I want to say my freshman year when I was given a phone. Phone, that's when I kind of started downloading apps. Now, even though I got a phone, I wasn't allowed to download Snapchat, things like that. I was still under my parents. My parents wing. But it got to the point where sophomore year, I finally was able to. So I got tech talk, I got Snapchat, I was up to date with musically and stuff like that. And I started posting content on Tick Tock. I started posting actually during COVID Okay, Now, I never went viral during COVID but, like, in my mind, I kind of was. I had like three likes. My mom, my dad, my system, sometimes my brother, you know, things like that. And that was going on for years. But you know what? For me, I saw TikTok as a hobby.
- [66:46]
B
Yeah.
- [66:47]
A
Like, I genuinely love to scroll on the app. See, because during COVID there was a lot of dance trends because there was Charlie d', Amelio, like, Addison Ray.
- [66:54]
B
You come from, like, a dancing background, right?
- [66:56]
A
And I come from a dancing background. So I would watch them and then I would do their dances or I would do whatever dance I saw them doing. And I did that for years.
- [67:05]
B
Go.
- [67:05]
A
And actually, I didn't get like a viral tik tok until I want to say, 2020. You're like, yesterday, last night, this morning. No, I Didn't get a viral one until, I want to say, like, my junior year of high school.
- [67:23]
B
Oh, okay. So like, almost like a whole year in.
- [67:26]
A
It took a long. It took like. Well, it took like three years. Well, I took a year, actually. You're so right.
- [67:34]
B
I'm like, my math. Whatever you wanted.
- [67:38]
A
No, I'm kidding. No, yeah, you're so right. Literally, it took a year. It took a year. I was a junior in high school and I had posted a video with my brother, and it was me doing this like, tick tock dance. And it got like a mill. It got like a millie likes. I thought I was a celebrity. Like, I literally didn't go to class for a week because I thought. Thought I was gonna get, like, taken. No, I sound like. I actually was like. I saw the likes going up and I was like, mom, a million likes is crazy, right? And my first time, because during COVID the. The like famous sibling was my sister. She would make cringy ass tiktoks. Like cringy ass Covid type TikTok. And she'd get like 60,000 likes, 100,000 likes. And I'm like like, what are you doing that I'm not doing? So it was like a competition. I was like, no, no, no, no. I would do dancing video videos, and my dad would be like, jocelyn, no one wants to see dancing videos.
- [68:33]
B
And I'm like, renegade.
- [68:36]
A
I was literally doing that. And I was. I was really good. And my dad was like, nobody wants to watch that. And I'm like, okay. So I started doing, like, relatable content. Yeah, that shit failed. Nobody watched my content. And then I got to the point where I made that dancing video with my brother. 1.4 million likes. And I'm like, dad, you said no one wanted to watch my dance. Yeah, but everyone wants to watch it. And it was with me and my brother. And as soon as I started getting likes, I tell my mom and dad, I'm like, I'm going viral. I'm like, jerzer is not the viral sister anymore. It's me.
- [69:05]
B
Yeah, it's me.
- [69:06]
A
I've taken over, gave me my crown. I'm at a million likes. And I tell my brother, jesse, we are viral. And he's like, I don't care. I'm like, okay, whatever. But for me, that was a big deal. I was like, okay, this was supposed to be like a hobby, like a joke, but I was like, if you want me to start posting, I'll start posting. So I started doing. Doing more tick tocks and that same week where I posted that video with my brother, I went to California for the first time.
- [69:31]
B
Okay?
- [69:31]
A
I went to. Or. No, Florida. I went to Orlando. And that same weekend, I kept posting videos because my mom was like, she. She says she's my manager, basically. So she was like, jocelyn, keep posting. I was like, okay. I kept posting and posting and posting that entire weekend, viral, viral, viral. And I was like, what? What is going on? And so I kept posting. I did dancing videos, and they loved it.
- [69:55]
B
Were you growing very rapidly too?
- [69:57]
A
I was, but it wasn't like. It was more so, like, popcorn views. You know what I'm saying? And so I didn't go continuously viral until last year, 2024. So going from 2021 to 2024, it was popcorn views. And not to like, this is my theory. I didn't start going viral continuously until I got hair extensions. So I'm basically ugly with short hair.
- [70:24]
B
Because you're like, that's my theory.
- [70:27]
A
Y' all bitches don't fuck with me. I didn't start going viral until I literally got fucking Halo clipping section extensions from Amazon.
- [70:37]
B
How much were you?
- [70:39]
A
Like, 20 bucks. That's $20 you've ever spent baddie on a budget, right? And I put them on, made a tick, tock, Tik tok. Boom. I got like 10K. And I'm like, Damn. I'm like Charlie D'. Amelio. And so I kept doing it over and over and over, and I kept getting likes. And I'm like, am I prettier with long hair? Because people say, you're not. You're not ugly. You're just broke.
- [70:57]
B
Yeah.
- [70:58]
A
Huh?
- [70:59]
B
Me, I'm like, me. I'm like me with my gastric sleeve.
- [71:04]
A
I'm like, wait, y' all are right. Yeah, I'm just broke. So once I started, like, posting on my little clippy clip in extensions, I ended up saving my money doing some tiktoks. And I ended up paying for my two rows of sewn in hair extensions in 2023.
- [71:21]
B
Okay.
- [71:22]
A
And I. I love them. I started making Tik Toks my face. I'm not gonna lie. So TikTok, they were rude. They said I was a torta in my face.
- [71:35]
B
A torta?
- [71:35]
A
Yes. Yes. They said you're a torta, but in your face. Because I was like, I'm not a torta, and I guess you are.
- [71:41]
B
Oh, wait, not actual Tik Tok. The people on Tik Tok. I was like, damn. Tik Tok sent you that. The official Tik tok. I'm like, damn. I'm like, who was writing that? Okay. Like, the comments. People were talking. Okay. Yes.
- [71:55]
A
Sort of.
- [71:56]
B
Wait, why am I gonna. Can I guess?
- [71:59]
A
Guess what?
- [72:00]
B
Not that, but I'm. I'm not saying it. They're right. I'm saying it more.
- [72:04]
A
They kind of were.
- [72:05]
B
Was it like, maybe because, like, your face, like the cheeks or what was it like? What was a hot.
- [72:09]
A
Are you looking at my cheeks?
- [72:10]
B
No, no, no. I'm putting two and two together. Because I'm like, you're not a torta.
- [72:14]
A
Oh, yeah. Because I said my face. I was like, are they still chubby? No. So when I started dating Kobe, Kobe is the. My boyfriend. Current boyfriend, last boyfriend. He is the most healthiest relationship I've ever been in. And freshman year, when I said I was getting vertigo back to back to back. What were we eating? Tip treats, cookie, things like that. Torches. He took me to torches for the first time. Obsessed. Went to canes. All things not good for you. Filled with oil fried, whatever. We did that for so long. My entire freshman year, I gained weight. And you know what? I was happy. I was. And you know, people call that happy weight. And. And to me, that's what that was. So, yeah, I. I gained some weight. Was I insecure within myself. Myself for sure. But then people started saying I look like a torta. And I was like, wait, why are you saying that to me? I mean, are you hungry? Because, like, come take a bite. But like, no, I was like, I'm not a torta. And they're like, yes, you are. In your face. I was like, oh, okay. But you know, like, it never really, like, like clicked, you know? And so, yeah, people were saying that to me for the longest time once I started going viral with my hair extensions. So I started. Started to work out me and Kobe. Not because of comments. They lowkey got to me. But, you know, for the most part, I did it for myself.
- [73:27]
B
Two things can exist, right? But also, wait, reality check. Maybe I should do something. Yeah.
- [73:34]
A
And that's what was going on. Me and Kobe were like, we need to work out. Like, what are we doing? Because we're on the. We're on our. We're on your bed every single day, all day long. We need to get the up and go work out. I'm like, you're still so right. So we started working out every single day. I lost some weight. And then once I lost weight, I started finding more confidence within myself and I started posting more. More and more and more and once I had those hair extensions, oh, girl. I went viral.
- [74:01]
B
It was over.
- [74:02]
A
It was over.
- [74:03]
B
TikTok.
- [74:06]
A
So I started going viral. And even. Even to this day, I still can't imagine, like, or, like, it doesn't sit with me. Like, I will post a TikTok tok boom, 10,000 likes. And I'm like, oh, my God, Literally today, before I came here, I posted a tick tock. And I'm like, we're at 20,000 likes, like, already. And I've been going viral for a year now.
- [74:29]
B
I think it hits you more when, like, let's say for me, right when I started, I feel like in the beginning you're kind of like, oh, 100,000 likes. All right, whatever. Or 50,000. Obviously you still get excited, but you don't tie that number to, like, oh, that's actually people. You know, I feel like for me, when I first started going viral, I went to, like, a concert and I was like, oh, wait, this is 40,000 people more than the amount of people here. Like, my, like, right. What the hell? What was that moment for you?
- [74:55]
A
So actually, being a Texas Tech student, I do, like I said, I go to Lubbock for Texas Tech, but I live in Austin. And for some reason, I get more noticed in other places other than my hometown city. I remember going to the mall with my boyfriend in Dallas. Dallas. And I got noticed. Like, I had a line in Paxton. I was shopping and I had a line of like. But, like, that's a line for me. And so I had these girls coming up to me and asking for pictures. And then once these six girls started, more girls started coming. And I'm like, what is going on? Like, to me, to this day, I am still, like, I can't believe it. Because I'm like, you want to take a picture? Picture with me? You want to make a video with me?
- [75:38]
B
You watch my bubblegum video.
- [75:42]
A
You watch those. Like, it's so surreal to me. And so with all that happening, like. Like, it just doesn't click, you know? Like, I will get those moments where I even like these likes, like, they don't make me feel like. I feel like I'm known.
- [75:58]
B
Yeah.
- [75:59]
A
I don't feel like I'm famous. So, like, I'm still in this. I'm still in that position where I can't believe that this is happening. Like, no matter how many likes I've gone, I think my most, like, tick tock is 5.5 million. And that's with me and my boyfriend. And still we're talking about likes, not views.
- [76:14]
B
So I'm sure, like, over 10 million views, right?
- [76:16]
A
And then I sit there and I'm like, imagine that many people in a room. Can't believe it.
- [76:22]
B
Yeah.
- [76:22]
A
I'm still in that moment of disbelief. But even though I'm still in that moment, I still try my best to put. Put content out there and to also influence my followers to put content out there so I'll make videos. Like, guys, let this be your sign. I just got invited to a concert by my agency, Start TikTok, because TikTok, ever since I started, I've gotten so many opportunities. Like, I. An agency reached out to me, and they've gotten me invited to. I've gotten to Coachella, I've gotten to outside lands in San Francisco. I. I've met so many people. I have so many, like, PR brands, like, reaching out to me. Like, I want to send you pr. And now I have a Huda Beauty event this week.
- [77:02]
B
Yeah.
- [77:03]
A
Literally when I fly back to Texas, I fly.
- [77:05]
B
She's booked out. Busy mom.
- [77:07]
A
I got invited to meet Jason Derulo next week back in la.
- [77:11]
B
That's crazy.
- [77:12]
A
Literally next week. This came to my attention, I want to say, as soon as we landed here, and so it's just like, still, it won't click. Actually, last week I posted on my Snapchat and I was like, let this be your sign to start posting. And I posted the Huda Beauty invite, and people started asking me, like, what's some advice you can give us? Like, what video made you viral? And I kid you not, I spent that entire day responding to comments, posting on my story, giving them advice, telling them how I started off, what it did for me, how an agency reached out to me. I gave them every single thing that happened. Because I want to influence other people out there to do what I do. Because people say, like, obviously, I do believe that, like, once you actually become a content creator or a influencer, I do believe it. It's. It's an easy job to an extent. And I will. I will never sit here and say it's so hard.
- [78:04]
B
Yeah.
- [78:05]
A
Because I'm telling you, I wake up and they're like, girl, do the bubblegum video for. For this much money. Okay, fine. Right? And then they tell me that all the time. So when I talk to my followers, I'm like. Like, it's not hard to a certain extent. And I do believe that everyone should be given the chance to be in this type of environment because, again, I didn't grow up with. With so much money. And I feel like I kind of put myself at this position. I wouldn't be in this position if it wasn't for my family. Where I am now is because of my parents. Everything happens for a reason. If it wasn't for losing a house or losing an apartment or getting the house that we now live in, or getting bullied and transferring from this elementary school to this school, like I wouldn't be here.
- [78:49]
B
Part of the journey.
- [78:50]
A
It's all part of the journey. And so for me, I just feel like I can't continue with this opportunity knowing that, like I want other people to also be in the position I'm in. I want other girls to feel what I'm feeling.
- [79:05]
B
And it's achievable. I think that's the thing. You know, I feel like, like with Tik Tok especially, I feel like it's so easy now to go viral. You know, there's different platforms. You know, you have YouTube, you have Instagram, Snapchat. Now a lot of influencers got back on Snapchat cuz they see there's money in it. Same. Oh my God. That's why I got back. I feel like it's like one of those things. Like you said, said it's not the hardest job in the world. Obviously with anything you do, there's gonna come up and downs. You know, it's maybe it's not hard physically, but maybe emotional mentally. But it's not something if you really want it to happen for you, it's something worth pursuing, you know what I mean? It's something that you're like, you know what? I'm literally dancing. I'm doing something I love. You come from a dancing background, like, what the fuck? I can showcase my dance moves and.
- [80:00]
A
Pop some ass for bills and for free.
- [80:03]
B
Like not for free for, not for free actually, but you know what I mean, it's like a, it's a, it's a great thing that happens especially with social media. And I love that for you, you know, you're going to thrive and you're going to continue going by, you're going to continue expanding your audiences. And I feel like that's the beautiful thing with social media that like it never stops. And it's like, oh, it's my life. What's going on in my life now? Let me open up about that, you.
- [80:26]
A
Know what I mean? Even like being here, like I said, keep saying that. But it's like so, like I watched so many influencers who I follow come on to this podcast and to like, finally be, like, where they sat and to, like, be where they've been. Like, it's so surreal. And I want other girls, guys to. To get to this point where they're able to get pr. So many opportunities, and not even that, but, like, financial stability. You know, like, obviously, I'm not a millionaire, but I'm at the point where. Where, like, for the first time ever, I'm finally able to. To provide for myself financially and to give back to my parents. And I want other people to be at this point. And that's why I will continue to give my advice. I will continue to tell people what I did to be where I'm at.
- [81:11]
B
And I agree with you. You know, if you want to do something, amigas, a cuerdense que sisa puede. Whatever you want to do. It's achievable. You know, we've been talking a lot about your boyfriend. You've been mentioning him a lot. I want to know all the achievement on that girl. Tell us everything about your love life. How did you guys meet? How. Who made the first move? How did it go from, like, a friendship to a relationship? Tell us all about that.
- [81:37]
A
I met Kobe three years ago. I met him in 2022 on TikTok Live. You. No one wakes up and thinks, I'm gonna meet my future hubby on a tick on Tick Tock on an app yet alone. Like, I know there's, like, dating apps out there, but, like, me, myself, I would never wake up and imagine that I would meet my soulmate on an app.
- [81:56]
B
Yeah.
- [81:56]
A
And the fact that it was Tick Tock. Unreal. So it actually happened because I was on Live one day, and Kobe requested me. I accepted it because that profile picture was looking delicious. So I accepted. And what I said, it was Kobe, and I was like, oh, my God. I'm, like, fixing my hair. I put on some perfume. He couldn't smell it, but, like, maybe he could from, like, a distance. So I put on perfume. I look my best, and we're talking. We're going at it for, like, maybe five minutes. And honestly, during those five minutes, I was in love. I was like, man, this is. This is my future hubby. Like, this is the man I want to be with. We end. We end the live together. And once I get off live, I stalk him like any girl would do.
- [82:39]
B
You weren't following him before that?
- [82:41]
A
No.
- [82:41]
B
Okay.
- [82:42]
A
But guess what I found.
- [82:43]
B
Found what to find.
- [82:44]
A
Not good. So I get off the live with him, and I stalk his account. Turns out, during that time Kobe's content was to go live with girls and flirt with them. That was his content.
- [82:59]
B
Okay, so. Oh, it wasn't just me. You're like, everyone gets treated like this.
- [83:06]
A
With Kobe, I was like, that wasn't genuine. Like, he didn't want to meet me. Like, I was going through so many emotions. I was like, what the fuck? And so once I saw that, I was kind of butthurt because for me, low key love. Love at first sight. But tell me why I ended up, like, brush it off. I was like, whatever. He doesn't want me. His loss. The very next day, I go live again. And he requests me again because he just couldn't get enough. We go live and he's like, I DM'd you. I'm like, no, you didn't. Like, I stalked your account. You do this with every single girl. And he's like, no. Like, I DM'd you.
- [83:39]
B
I'm like, you pressing him on live?
- [83:41]
A
Yes. I was like, no. Like, I saw you. Like, I saw what you do. Like, no. Like, whatever. Well, I. He ended up disconnecting the live, but I still stayed on it. I was still on live, just talking like one on one with my people. And he comes in the comments and he's like, I seriously DM'd you. And I'm like, no, you didn't. Like, quit. Like, quit coming in here. I'm doing my makeup. Like, let me do me.
- [84:04]
B
Yeah.
- [84:04]
A
He's like, no, I DM'd you. I'm like, fine, I'll check when I get off live. So I end up getting off live, checking my DMs. Sure enough, he did DM me. He wasn't lying. He was like, I. I want to talk. Whatever. So we ended up hopping on a call that night. And he was like, are you actually down to meet me in person and to go on a date? And I was like, I mean, like, sure. Like, whatever. Were you scared? I honestly, no.
- [84:28]
B
I'm excited.
- [84:29]
A
Right. And that is what's scary, because in that moment, I wasn't thinking, like, what if he kidnaps me?
- [84:36]
B
Yeah.
- [84:36]
A
What if he takes me?
- [84:37]
B
Or, what if he's a weirdo? What if?
- [84:39]
A
Yeah, right? What if he's a crazy person? And that didn't cross my mind. I was just so hyped. Yes. I was like, yes. Like, I get to be with a man. Like, I haven't been with one in. No, literally. I was so excited. I was like, he's cute. He's funny. Like, I love his personality. Like, I'm excited to meet him. So he ended up visiting me in Austin. He came to visit me.
- [84:58]
B
Me.
- [84:58]
A
He chased me. He came to visit me. And a lot of people on Tick Tock like to say he doesn't love me. This man, he's obsessed. He ended up visiting me in Austin. We hung out for three days. I took him around my city, showed him everything that there was to see, and he kissed me. And it was. It was pretty good. Like, I'm not gonna lie. It was. It was. I still. Not to be like, rated R, but like, it was the best kiss I've ever had in my entire life. And we still. I still talk about about it to this day. I will tell him, like, Kobe, like, I was just thinking about kiss me again. I'm like, kiss me again like you.
- [85:28]
B
Did 20 years ago.
- [85:30]
A
I do that all the time. We just started to become more comfortable with each other. We started hanging out. We started going on dates, and we were long distance. We've been long distance since the very beginning. Now, something I haven't told anybody is that Kobe is from Chicago. He's born and raised. We've been long distance for three years. But I want to say, once we started dating, Kobe actually moved to Texas and we didn't tell anybody. We continued to tell people that he was from Chicago for. For safety reasons. He had like a stalker going on and he didn't want to let them know where he was moving to. So we continued to pretend like he was in Chicago whole time. He was actually in Dallas, Texas, and I was in Lubbock. We were five hours away.
- [86:13]
B
Oh, that's so far.
- [86:14]
A
That's so far. But we didn't tell anybody. And you know what's so fucking funny is that throughout our relationship, I would get DMs saying, just saw Kobe kissing on a girl. He's cheating on you in Chicago. And it took me. This is literally my first time talking about it because back then I would have to bite my tongue. I couldn't speak up on it. I couldn't reply to comments because I couldn't let people know that he was in Dallas. Whole time he was in Dallas, I was getting hate comments saying, girl, he's in Chicago cheating on you.
- [86:42]
B
Oh, you're like, he's in my bed right now.
- [86:45]
A
I know. I'm like, he's literally in my bed. He's rubbing my feet.
- [86:47]
B
Like, what are you talking about?
- [86:48]
A
Right? And so we, we had to keep it a secret for the longest time. But in those moments of people telling me Kobe's cheated on you in Chicago. We knew it wasn't true cuz he was in Dallas and I was in Austin. But nobody on TikTok knew that because we kept it a secret. And so I feel like that made like our relationship stronger and to know that, that, that social media is just like they'll talk just to talk, you know. And so we never really let it get between us. But like I said, I did meet Kobe while his content was flirting with other girls. So as we continued to talk, he continued to go live with girls still, but be being me. I wasn't going to tell him to stop doing that.
- [87:27]
B
You know, you guys were in serious.
- [87:28]
A
Serious, serious now in my own head I was like preparing post to me. But you know, logically I was like, no, I'm not gonna rush this guy into doing anything. So I continued to let him. I say let but like I continue to, you know, slide. Right? Like let it slide.
- [87:43]
B
I won't bring it to your attention just yet.
- [87:45]
A
Right. Like, right. I will later. You just let. I let him go live with other girls and flirt with them. And when he would get off live, we would Talk. We would FaceTime till 5 in the morning every single day, 5 minutes.
- [88:00]
B
Like for him it was just content at this point, right?
- [88:02]
A
And for him, he would tell me that he would say it's just content. Like he doesn't even remember these girls names, these girls faces. He would say it was just content. But me being me, I started to develop insecurity. And so seeing Kobe talk to these girls, make flirtatious jokes, I would become insecure. And I feel like that's very normal because I could feel insecure seeing another girl being absolutely gorgeous. But is that her problem? No, it's mine. Because I shouldn't feel insecure. I should feel feel confident in knowing that I am God's greatest creation. Everyone is made beautifully, wonderfully and beautifully made by God. So for me to feel insecure, it was a problem that I needed to fix within myself. But it's not a problem. That's weird. Yeah, it's a very normal.
- [88:43]
B
It's a normal thing.
- [88:44]
A
Right? It's a normal thing that everyone deals with. So as Kobe went continued to flirt with girls on Tick Tock as his content, we still weren't like on that, on that status of becoming official. Okay, but. But I also would still talk to him, but I wouldn't make it known that I was frustrated. I would kind of. I wanted him to see his wrong. I wanted to. I wanted him to realize that what he was doing wasn't okay if he wanted to be with someone.
- [89:09]
B
Like, he's over, like, damn, she's so chill about.
- [89:14]
A
Forever. No. And so it got to the point where I started becoming very insecure. I started comparing myself to these girls. Not because I brought that. That idea to my own head, but because Kobe's followers, they're Discord kittens. Like they're weird, you know? Discord. Yeah, Weirdo kittens. Well, they're not weird.
- [89:31]
B
Like gamer vibes.
- [89:32]
A
And there's some Discord people who are rude as fuck. And all of Kobe's followers are gamers and they're. And they're rude Discord kittens. And all of them were coming for me. And in Kobe's live con, I would watch his live and people in the comments would be like, wow, this girl's so much better than Kobe. Kobe, be with us girl. Be with this girl. Not Joss. Like, she has so much curve. She has so much more. Like she has a bigger ass. Like, people, as you're watching all that as I'm watching. And I would watch this and I would cry. I wouldn't tell Kobe this. I'd kind of keep it to myself. And I got to the point where I just kept becoming more insecure. More insecure. And there was this one day where this girl came into Kobe's tick tock comments and was just like, hey, like you're super cute. And all the. And everyone in the comments was. Was like, damn, like, you're fine. And she was, yeah, she was a fine piece of woman. Like, I'm not gonna lie, this girl had body ody. Like her face card never declined. Like she was gorgeous. And everyone in the comments was like, Kobe, like, quit talking to Joss. Talk to her. And I was like, damn. Reading that, my heart dropped to my stomach. I actually was at the lowest point in my life as far as like, aside from Vertigo, you know, that was a really low point for me. But this was low.
- [90:43]
B
Like love wise vibes. That was what you're going for.
- [90:46]
A
This was very low. It became. Became a thing where every single day people would come into his live and they'd be like, w blah blah blah, W blah blah. And they would say her name over and over and over. And I would sit there and watch this. And it got to the point where Kobe finally woke the up, called me and was like, I'm not going live anymore. I'm like, what do you mean? He's like, I'm not gonna Riz. He called it Riz he was like, I'm not gonna riz anymore. I'm not gonna do this. Like, I can't do it knowing that I love you. He's like, it feels wrong. And I was like.
- [91:13]
B
He said finally.
- [91:15]
A
First. And so I was like, are you sure? Like, I don't me be me. I was like, I don't want to stop you from doing what you want to do.
- [91:21]
B
This is your career.
- [91:23]
A
This is your career. And he was like, no, I'm done. He's like, I love you. This doesn't feel right. I feel uncomfortable. I'm done. So he stopped. He stopped going live with other girls, and he started focusing on me. After he decided to focus. Focus on me, that's when I opened up to him about feeling insecure. And again, we were long distance. I would cry every single night on FaceTime with Kobe because we were a long distance. I would cry and cry and cry and tell him, kobe, I'm becoming insecure. I don't feel pretty in my own skin. I don't think I have a 10 out of 10 body like that girl just did last week. And he sits there and he's like, you're beautiful. Don't care what people say. At the end of the day, these are people behind a screen in their own house, probably in their mother's basement, watching you and hating on you because they have nothing better to do. Yeah, I'm like, Like, that's right.
- [92:09]
B
Reassuring.
- [92:10]
A
You're right. And you know what? It took, I want to say, like, a year and a half. Half. And we had these conversations maybe three times a week for a year and a half. It took me that long to finally come to the realization that he was right, that I shouldn't be comparing myself to these. To these girls that tick tock is trying to compare me to. And it took me a while to finally find that self love within myself and to have this man basically by my side telling me I'm the prettiest woman he's ever seen. It really. It really uplifted me, and it took me out of that dark place. Not only that, but I also had my mom, I had my dad, I had my siblings, and I had everyone telling me I was beautiful and that I shouldn't feel this way. And I feel like that is what helps me kind of get out of that dark spot in my life, because social media, you will. You people always continue to compare themselves to other people, and I was in that position, and I feel like that's why I wanted to talk about that, because it is normal. You know, I don't want people to think like, oh my gosh, I'm weird, something's wrong with me. No, it's normal. Maybe it's shouldn't be normalized, but it's normal. Like, oh, I. Everybody compares.
- [93:11]
B
It's like they're comparing to anyone even not in, just in relationships. You can also be like, with someone so successful and be like, oh, wait, why am I not that successful? I feel like it's a normal human.
- [93:22]
A
Being reaction, you know, to anything and everything. Why aren't I. Why aren't I that good at basketball? Why can't I be like, like, be like her when I'm doing a jump split on the dance floor. Like everybody, everyone always compares themselves to someone else. And that is very normal. And I feel like that does come with some type of insecurity, no matter what the situation is. And I feel like for me, I was in that position. I was insecure for a year and a half. Sometimes I will wake up and feel insecure, but at the same time, I also wake up and tell myself that I'm beautiful, that I'm loved, that God loves me. And I feel like for me, that was a big step in my life to find that self love, because I never had that growing up. Up. Yes, my mom would tell me I was beautiful, but that for me, that wasn't enough, you know, Like, I needed to feel that within myself.
- [94:07]
B
And we hear it all the time. Oh, well, a parent's always gonna say that, right?
- [94:11]
A
Because they're your mom, they're your dad, they're gonna tell you no. Like, I needed to take that time for myself to sit there and realize I'm pretty, I'm beautiful, I'm loved, I'm. I'm that. Like, I am that woman, you know? And so it took a long time for me to realize that. But now that I'm at this place, what I try to do is explain to my followers how they can be secure within themselves. Because the greatest thing that I get from TikTok is my comments. When it's, you are the reason I'm secure within myself. You are the reason I have confidence. I have been getting those comments every I go, and you're like, what the fuck?
- [94:49]
B
I'm not even that confident.
- [94:51]
A
Right, right. And just to see them say that, I'm like, they look up to me. Some girls look up to me. And that is what motivates me more, to really show, I guess, like my raw, naked side, you know, I want Girls to know that I was in your place. Matter of fact, I still am. But you don't know that. Never tell social media what you're insecure about because they will come for you for it. I keep it within myself, but I also focus on loving the parts that I feel like I don't really love that much. I focus on the parts that make me insecure. And every single day I wake up and tell myself, I love that about me. I love this about me. I love that. And it just makes me feel better.
- [95:30]
B
I love that. And I feel like you said it's something so normal, but I feel like when you're healing from those thoughts, you have to have it so present in your head and in your heart who you are as a person. What really matters is what's in your heart, you know? And I'm glad that you were able to go through. Through that stage and also have a partner that sees, like, oh, you know what? Like, I was seeing it as content, but she was feeling this way. I'm sorry. And it got to the point that he was like, no, that I want her. And that's the only person I have eyes for. And I'm gonna do what I gotta do to make her feel that love, you know? Oya Mente. We've talked about you guys being long distance. Two months ago, you guys moved in together.
- [96:12]
A
We did. We did.
- [96:14]
B
I love that. How did that come. Come to be? What were the conversations like before moving in? Tell us a little bit more about you guys moving in together.
- [96:22]
A
So like I said, we were long distance for three years, and it was not easy. It was hard being, like I said. He. He wasn't really in Chicago. We met right when he moved from Chicago to Dallas. But still, five hours was a distance for me, especially because I had classes, I had exams. He had a life to live also, so he couldn't drive that five hours. He couldn't fly the flowers, and I couldn't do that either. We were both so busy. But through that entire time, we could try to have conversations. We tried to communicate. We did our best. We would call, we would text, but we would slack sometimes in those. In. In those, like, I guess, like, what is that? Categories. Or in those, like, situations, like, we would slack in texting, we would slack in college.
- [97:05]
B
Because you guys were so busy with each other's lives. Yeah.
- [97:08]
A
And I feel like that was really hard on me because my love language is physical touch and, like, words of affirmation. So it's like not hearing from my boyfriend in like, two hours, you're like, what is? I was like, he doesn't love me anymore. He's cheating on me. No, literally, I would get in my head, and he too, like, he would text me. He'd be like, why aren't you texting me back? He used to text me back so much, and I'm like, I'm work. Like, I'm working. Like, I'm busy. And then I would do the same thing. Why aren't you texting me? I'm working and I'm busy. It would go back and forth. But still, even through those moments, we will still try our hardest to communicate. And we did have a bunch of arguments. Like, our relationship. I. You know, obviously, like, no relationship is perfect, and ours wasn't. We would have arguments almost every single day because long distance really drained the fuck out of me. I was crying hours and hours and hours within my day. When I was a freshman in college, I had just met Kobe, and I was on campus, six hours away from home, five hours away from Kobe. I had no one there with me. I was crying every single night. I didn't know what to do. I felt alone. And. But he would make the effort to call me, to text me, and even when he didn't, like, I would know that he's busy. But still, that wouldn't sit right. Like, still, that wouldn't make me okay. Like, I'd still feel alone. And that kept happening for years and years and years. So we started talking about moving in. Kobe started telling me that he wants to marry me and things like that. And for me, I always told Kobe, like, I don't believe in false promises. There will be relationships where a guy will continue to promise things and then never fulfill those promises, only to keep you there. Now, the thing with Kobe is he wouldn't tell me, like, I promise I'm going to marry you. No, he would say, eventually, down our path, when we are financially stable, when we are at that point where we can. Where I can support the both of us, and we have a home, we have a car, we have a job. I see myself marrying you. And for me, that wasn't like a false promise. For me, that was something that he wanted to work towards as a couple, and I was willing to do that with him. And so we continued to work hard. Even though we were arguing all the time, we continued to look at the bigger picture of having that life together. And so that went on for three years. And it got to the point where this last year, my junior year, I Was just fed up. I was like, kobe, like, I miss you. And he's like, I miss you too. We don't. We don't see each other. We barely talk because I've become so much more busier. He's become busy. I have a job. People think I just do TikTok. No, I have a job. And with that, doing TikTok, having a job and. And being a full time college student, it's hard. And so there's times where I can't talk to him that much. And so we got to this point where over the summer, he came to visit me in Austin. He stayed there the entire summer, and we sat there and talked about moving in, and boom, it just happened. We signed a lease the very same day we had that conversation, and we moved in. Ever since we moved in, things have been so much better. And I'm not gonna lie, the first week, lots of arguing. I'm. I'm feisty, and Kobe knows I'm feisty. Like, I can't keep my mouth up. Shut up. And so when we moved in together, I was just so overwhelmed with starting classes, you know, getting new, you know, like decorations, you know, you going shopping, grocery shopping, things like that. I was so overwhelmed with all of these things. And he.
- [100:32]
B
The thing is, he was a chill. Laid back.
- [100:34]
A
You know, he was laid back. And at moments he would try to help me, and I'd be like, stop. Leave me alone. Alone. Like, I need to be alone. But because I was just so overwhelmed. And that would create arguments and, you know, on. You know, on my part, I definitely should have. I shouldn't have overreacted as much as I did. But that's like, that. That's what happens in relationships. It's okay to argue. It's okay to feel anxious and overwhelmed to the point where you can't talk to your partner. You can't work with them in the way that they want to work with you. And that's okay. Me and Kobe did. For the first week of moving in together, we were so. We were buddy heads, which I feel.
- [101:09]
B
Like is so normal, though.
- [101:10]
A
And it is.
- [101:10]
B
Yes.
- [101:11]
A
Every relationship. And people think like, oh, like, we argue, like, every day. Like, we need to break up. No, I don't believe in breaks. I think that's childish. I think that's immature.
- [101:19]
B
If you love, like, let's work it out right now or never.
- [101:21]
A
Right. Right now or never. Exactly. And I just feel like if you love someone, if you truly, truly love someone, you will work through whatever the. You're going through, through. And then move past it. Not only just move past it, but create a solution between each other. You know, like, I'm sorry I did this to you. I'm gonna do this to change it. Like, we had those conversations. We were grown. We're mature to the point where we can have those sit down conversations instead of just like, cutting each other off. Now, in the beginning of a relationship, yeah, I'd cut him off. I'd be like, don't talk to me. Like, whatever.
- [101:53]
B
Build a wall.
- [101:54]
A
Right? Build a wall. But now we're at the point where I do talk to him and he talks to me too. And so that first week of moving in, yeah, we butted heads, but that also helped us, like, learn more about each other. Now he knows that I get overwhelmed when I'm decorating. Decorating is a serious thing. Like, I need to be left alone. I need to go to Marshalls and you go, T.J. maxx. I need to go to all these places, get decor, go inside her apartment and put it around. Like, he knows, like, I need to be alone.
- [102:18]
B
And I also feel like it comes down to, like, when you move in with your partner. I've been together with my partner.
- [102:23]
A
With.
- [102:24]
B
We're gonna be 10 years next year. Yes. We started dating senior year of high school. I moved in with him well into his parents house maybe like a couple months after graduating senior year. So for us, you know, even though we would see each other, we weren't having a long distance relationship. For us, it was a lot of butting heads because it's like, oh, now I'm living with this person. Now I'm really seeing how they vice versa. Boyfriend too. Right. Like, there's things that, like, are obviously gonna bug you about a person because you're like, I didn't know that. What the. Right, Right.
- [103:00]
A
Why your panties right here on the counter?
- [103:02]
B
Yeah.
- [103:02]
A
Why. Why are your shoes right here? He'd say the same. You know, for me, like, vice versa, too. Like, vice versa. Like, I feel like this is the time where we get to learn more about each other. I get to know more about the man that he is, and he gets to know more about the woman that I am. Whether it comes down to hygiene or working around, like, the house or, sorry, the apartment, the kitchen, like, we get to know more about each other. And I feel like that's, like, so important and it's made us into a stronger couple. Because being apart for so long and now living together, like, do you, like, do you snore? Do you roll over literally do you too in your sleep making like we're starting to really like get to know each other each other more on like another type of level that we never got to know each other on. And it's been great. It's been amazing.
- [103:46]
B
Yeah, I think it's like very much like, like you said, you get to know your partner for reals and it almost, even. Even though you can have conflict, it almost makes you even get be in love more because you're actually meeting and knowing a person. Not just surface level, not just the cutesy like take me out on dates, do this, do that. It's more of like, no, this is the person I am actually going to create a life with. You know, to end the topic about your relationship, what piece of advice can you give anyone watching at home that is currently navigating a long distance relationship? Or maybe they're in the stage of their relationship where they're moving in and it's becoming a thing where they're like trying to figure out each other in terms of moving in together. What's a piece of advice you can leave us with?
- [104:30]
A
Honestly, I think that you should never be discouraged. Even when you think that times are getting hard, never get discouraged. Because relationships, now, marriages, they're not pretty. And they didn't start off pretty. Everyone starts off struggling in their relationship. Whether it's with, you know, arguing or being frustrated with one another. There are always going to be problems within a relationship. And what's important is communicating with one another another. You have to communicate your problems with your partner. Now with me and Kobe in our relationship, we don't vent to our friends because for us, we feel like our issues should be kept between the both of us out of respect. And not only that, but because your friends are automatically going to be like, girl, break up with him or bro.
- [105:16]
B
Or they're going to start seeing him in a different light only because you're only sharing the bad.
- [105:20]
A
The bad. But they don't know the good. And that's why I think it's important to keep the issues between each other, fix the problems in that moment. Don't just argue, sit there and listen to one another. Because to me, love is patient, love is kind. And me and Kobe, we are trying to go to church with one another and be really tapped into our faith. And even if you're not religious, I still think it's important to know that to love someone is to be patient, patient, to be kind, to be forgiving. And I feel like you need to take the Time to realize that things aren't going to be easy, Things aren't going to be pretty. But if you really do care about one another, you're going to work hard. You need to communicate. Communication is key.
- [106:04]
B
Yep.
- [106:04]
A
And I know that's, like, very cheesy, but it is, especially if you're long distance. Because me and Kobe will communicate even if I'm going to the store. It's so that way. He knows, like, if I don't text, like, just know someone took me from the store, Store, like, I'm missing, you know, like, we would just always communicate. And so that way, like, if you're at the store but you didn't text them that you're at the store, they're gonna be like, why don't you text me in five hours, three hours? Oh, sorry, I'm at the store. I forgot to text you. You know, it's to prevent problems and issues like that. So communication and making an effort. Me and Kobe were long distance, but he made the effort to visit me every single weekend in tech.
- [106:37]
B
Yeah.
- [106:37]
A
When I was in love. Akiva. Right. And not only that, but he was. Would like, ship me stuff to my. To my dorm. Like, he made the effort. He would FaceTime me, he would call me, he would text me. He was checking on me. And I feel like in a long distance relationship, you need to communicate. You. You need to make the effort and you need to not art you. I. I know argue. Arguments are normal, but you need to sit there, understand one another, and come to a solution. You can't. Leaving the argument is going to make these things worse. You need to sit there and understand each other, be patient with one another, and come to that point where, hey, I'm gonna do this to prevent this from happening or, I'm sorry this happened. I'm gonna do this to do better. And overall, you'll see a better change in the relationship. You'll see improvement, and you'll. You'll start to become more and more healthier once you try more and more.
- [107:30]
B
And I agree 100% with you on that. You know, we've talked about, talked about so many great conversations, you know, and I want to talk about something that you've been dealing with a little bit more recently. You know, two years ago, your parents started the divorce process, and it finalized this year. Tell us a little bit more about that. How did your parents, you know, tell you what was going on? Did their divorce come to a shocker to you, or was it something you kind of expected to happen down the line as they got older. How has the divorce affected you today?
- [108:02]
A
Growing up, actually, in my household, my. I would always hear my mom saying, I'm going to divorce you. I'm going to divorce you. I'm going to divorce you. After every argument that they had, and that was very traumatizing for me, I would run to my dad and I would hug him, and I would cry, and I'd be like, dad, I don't want mom to divorce you. I don't want that to happen. I love you. And this would happen, like, over and over and over throughout my childhood. And I never knew why. And it was because my mom would say, hey, if we're gonna argue, if we're gonna have these conversations, we need to have them away from the kids. And that's why I never knew why she was saying these things to him. And it wasn't until 2022 I went to college. And when I went to college, my brother had moved away, and my sister was still home with my parents, but she was working all the time. And. And my sister would work legit from the morning till 11pm like, she was a hard worker. And during that time, my mom really needed her kids, and she needed someone to be there for her because she was sad and felt alone. And that person who needed to be there for her wasn't there. And that was my dad. My mom, she felt alone at times. And my. My dad would come home from work, and instead of hanging out with my mom on the couch and watching a movie like she always wanted to do, he would play his video games. And for me, like, that's a very innocent thing, you know, like, boys love their video games. But it was the fact that, like, my mom needed him and he just wasn't there. And the fact that he couldn't realize that she needed him was an issue. And so not only that, but down the road, as she felt more alone, she got diagnosed with stage four kidney cancer. And so that made things harder and throughout the relationship, because she wanted to be left alone, alone, dealing with something like that, she couldn't come to the realization that this was happening, that this was real. So she was telling my dad, I need to be alone. I need to process this alone. I need to be here in the room on the bed alone. And he was like, oh, well, I wouldn't do this to you. I wouldn't. I wouldn't push you away. Like, this isn't fair for me. Like, he was making it more about himself, you know, and for her, that pushed her even more away from my dad to the point where she was like, you know what? I'm to devoted divorcing you. And I was unaware of the. Of the. Of the stage 4 kidney. Kidney failure because she kept it away from me and my siblings. She didn't want us to stress out, especially since I was in college, my brother had just moved away, and my sister was working. She didn't want to. She didn't want to put that stress, you know, on you guys or for.
- [110:30]
B
You guys to worry.
- [110:31]
A
Yeah, right. And so she kept that a secret. But as far as the divorce, she kind of opened up to us and was like, I want a divorce.
- [110:36]
B
Divorce.
- [110:37]
A
Obviously, me and my siblings were upset. I love my dad now. Was I ever close to him growing up? Not really. And I hate to admit it, but I wasn't really close to my dad. I feel like my younger sister always was. And I feel like that kind of sucks because I see girls posting like, oh, I'm a daddy's girl. I'm a daddy's girl. I know people hate on daddy's girls, but I always wanted to be one. I always wanted my dad to love me, and I know he does, but I always wanted to be close with him on that level. And it was just never like that. I was always a mommy's girl, you know, I was always with my mom from the beginning. She's done everything for me. And so whenever I realized that they were divorcing, it kind of like hit me where I was just like, wow, like, where did this come from? Why is this happening? And so once my mom started to open up about the divorce, I started to realize, like, it's over. Like, my parents aren't going to be together anymore. I will never see them in love again. And as the divorce process went on, my mom's way of coping. Such a crazy, independent woman. She decided to take trips to Dubai, Pakistan. She went everywhere around the world. And that was her way of coping. She was like, if no one's going to be there for me, hence my dad, she was going to go and be there for her herself. So she went and traveled the world and went to her dream places where she wanted to go. She did scare the shit out of me. I straight up, I caught the American embassy. I thought she was fucking kidnapped. I was terrified. I was like, that's it. My mom's gone. Like, I was bawling in my room. I was so scared.
- [112:11]
B
But she was out there living her life.
- [112:13]
A
She was living her best life. She's in the club, she's turning up. And so once I saw her being happy and seeing that light in her again, I started to realize, like, I shouldn't be mad at her for leaving my dad. Like, yes, it hurts, but I want her to be happy. And this is her first time living, too. And I saw that on a TikTok, and it was like, this is my mom's first time. That's true. This is my mom's first time living. This is my dad's first time living. And I know my dad's going to be hurt, but at the same time, my mom can't stay with him if it's going to ruin her mentally and emotionally. And so I kind of, like, told myself, like, this is what needs to happen. Like I mentioned, it was in 2022, as the year years went on, my dad came to visit me back in my college campus, and we had this conversation where he basically told me that he felt like the reason for their divorce was because of me. Like I mentioned earlier, I have a problem with just snapping back at people. I have a problem with arguing. And my dad is the only person that I really, really, really argue with and butt heads with. It's my dad. And my mom's always told me, like, oh, you're just like your dad. You have anger. She's just like your dad. And I'm always like, mom, no, no, I don't. But you know what? I've come to the point where I do, and I don't say that proudly. I definitely don't want that. After seeing my mom and dad argue at certain points, you know, I start to realize, like, I have developed some traits from him. He's always been impatient with me and my siblings. He's always been rude to us. And not because he doesn't love us, but because that's just how he is. You know, I don't doubt that my dad loved us. He didn't. Did. He did. He worked hard to support us, and he. He treated us, you know, fairly. He. He showed his love to us, but there were points where we would butt heads. And once my parents started to go through this divorce and he told me, you're the reason why, it hurt my feelings. And I kind of agreed with him. And I was like, you know what, dad? You're right. I am the reason. And the reason why I said that was because I would argue with my dad, and my mom would jump in and she defend me, and then my dad would say, why are you defending her? Like, we're Supposed to be a team, blah, blah. And then they would start to bicker. So it would go for me and my dad, to my dad and my mom. And that's why he said it was my fault. And to a certain extent, I do see that. Me and my dad, we would butt heads a lot. We. I argue with him like, I'd never argue with anyone, like the way I argue with my dad.
- [114:33]
B
But to blame the whole divorce almost on me.
- [114:36]
A
It was. It was kind of of. It was. It was hard. And I, you know, I kind of took that and. And told myself, like, wow, like, I'm the reason why my parents are divorcing. And it kind of put weight on. On my shoulders. And I came to the realization where it's not me, it's the both of them. It's 50. 50. My mom's not in the right, my dad's not in the right, but they both are valid for their own feelings. I'm not going to tell my mom that she. She's wrong for feeling the way that she feels, because, no, if she thinks she could be happy without my dad, then she could be happy without my dad. And I know my dad's going to be hurt. He's going to be sad. But if he truly loves my mom like he say he. Like he says he does, then he has to let her go. And so I feel like the divorce has been hard for me as an adult because I'm 21. This has been going on since I was 19. And I think what's hard for me is to know that. That I grew up basically looking up to my parents because they loved each other. And I feel even now, sitting in this chair, it's. It doesn't feel real to me. My brother's gone, my sister works all the time, and now my parents are divorced. And growing up, I wanted to. I wanted to be at the age I'm at right now so badly. I wanted to be mature. I wanted to be a senior in high school school, a college student. And now that I'm at this age, I'm like, I wish I was the age that I was when I lived with my family, when my parents were in love, when I was with my siblings. And it just sucks because I love my parents and to know that they're not together anymore, it hurts.
- [116:12]
B
Yeah.
- [116:13]
A
And to not have my siblings. My sister, she goes to Texas Tech with me, but we don't see each other in the. That often because she has classes. And my brother, he's gone. Like, he moved away and it just sucks because growing up, I wasn't really. We shared a room together, me and my sister. We were never that close. And now that we finally are, it sucks because we don't live under the same roof. I don't see my brother and my dad. He doesn't even live in the house anymore. My mom actually packed up the entire house. It's empty. It's been empty, been empty for a month now. And I haven't really told anyone on Tick Tock because I know how, how, how mean comments are. And this is just something that I feel like I wouldn't be able to handle if people spoke on because this is really, really hard. And I've never thought that I would be in this position. And it hurts just as much as it would hurt if I was a younger little girl. Yeah, it hurts just as much because I love looked up to them and I learned how to love from my parents and now it's just over. And it's just surreal because I never saw this coming. And so now I'm at the point where the people that I lean on are my siblings and my boyfriend and my friends. And I feel like I can't really talk to my parents because it's. I don't want them to think it's teams, you know, like team Mom, Team Dad. No, I love you both equally. I think you both have set me up and, and shown me to be the one, the woman that I am today. And I don't want to choose teens, but it is hard, especially because when I first started dealing with this divorce, I had a best friend who I had been friends with for years, my childhood best friend. And we ended up falling off because in the moment where I needed her the most, she wasn't there for me. I wanted to get out of my house. I wanted to distract myself with, with, you know, activities and things like that. And. And I guess I failed by relying on her to do that. And so it got to the point where she was choosing her boyfriend over me. She didn't visit me, she didn't text me, she didn't call me. And that hurt because I was there for her when she needed me, no matter what the situation was. And to know that she wasn't there by my side when I needed her the most, it hurt.
- [118:28]
B
Yeah.
- [118:28]
A
So I enter up cutting her off completely. And she knew that I didn't or she knew that I was going through this divorce. And once I cut her off, I started to receive hate comments on TikTok, basically telling me. Oh, your parents being divorced, that's not a serious issue. Like grow up. And you hadn't opened up and I hadn't opened up. And they were from fake accounts. So I was like, it was either from her or she told people about it. And if she told people that, I mean, that, that hurt just thinking about it. Because my mom, it's not just my business, it's my mom's business. And my mom was a mother to her too. My mom was there for her whenever she was doing things behind her mommy's back, you know, my mom was there. And so to know that she was probably telling people or could have, it hurt my feelings. And to lose her over something like that, it hurt because she was my childhood best friend. And at that point, once I lost her, the only person I really opened, opened up to was my boyfriend and my sister and my brother, like, and even then me and my brother, we started butting heads because he was more so dad's side, it felt like. And again, I don't believe in sides. I feel sympathy for both my parents. But my brother, you know, I feel like he leans towards my dad more. And I feel like that kind of puts us in this uncomfortable situation where us as siblings start to argue over things like this. And it just sucks because I never thought that I would be at this point in my life. You know, I'm about to be 22, I'm about to graduate from college, and I currently don't have a home. I know I live in an apartment with my boyfriend, but after this lease is over, where do I go? I just always thought I would visit my parents, you know, for, for Thanksgiving, for Christmas. But it's like, where am I going to go for those, for those holiday. For those holidays? And I never saw this coming. And so it's just, it's all new to me. But it affects me differently than it would when I was a kid. And I feel like now as an adult, I just have to realize that sometimes love doesn't last as long as you wish it would. And sometimes relationships aren't meant to be. And sadly, this was it. This was my parents relationship. They weren't meant to me. And it sucks. It really, really does because like I said, my dad doesn't live with us anymore. He moved out. Once my mom started clearing out the house, she paid some people to come over and like, take, you know, furniture out. And I feel like once that happened, my dad was like, oh, well, y' all don't. There's no. Yeah, he's like, there's no bed, there's no furniture. Y' all are doing your own thing. Like, I'm just gonna. I'm just gonna go. And he left. And what hurts is that my dad has a girlfriend. And I haven't mentioned that to anybody, but he has a girlfriend. And it just hurts because I get it. My mom was kind of pushing herself away for two years, but like, how can you love someone for so long and then just get a girlfriend right after? Like, I get it. It's. You know, it might be his own healing process, but it just sucks on my part because I can't see my dad with another woman. And she has kids, and she has kids. And so to know that he's. He's being in this relationship and being, I guess, like a stepdaddy to someone else, like, that kind of hurts. And so I haven't really been the. At the best state of mind in a while. I've kind of been dealing this with everything on my own. I don't really open up to social media. I talk to my boyfriend, and I don't open up to that many of my friends. Cuz I feel like this is such like a personal situation that it's just. I'm still, like. It's still sensitive for me because the divorce didn't get finalized until April. And so. Yeah. So to know that it's like finally happening, it's just. It's just not. It doesn't feel real. And I haven't seen my brother in so long and I wish I could talk to him because growing up, I wasn't really close with my siblings. Not because we hated each other, because, you know, siblings, they know, they don't hug, they don't say I love you. And now I'm at this point where like, I want my brother by my side.
- [122:23]
B
I'm so sorry.
- [122:25]
A
Okay. And I just don't have him and I haven't seen him in so long. And I have my sister, but it's like, I also don't want to stress her out cuz like, I'm the older sister. I don't want to put this on her. And so it just sucks. Cuz I feel like I have to deal with this alone. But at the end of the day, I try to, like, focus on myself. I try to focus on my career, I try to focus on my relationship. I try to focus on being there for both my mom and dad because I don't want it to feel like sides. I want them to both equally feel loved by me. Because I, I love them both. No matter what happens, no matter who divorces with who, like, they're my parents at the end of the day. And yes, it may hurt to see my dad with a new girlfriend, but I can't, I can't do anything about it. I just have to kind of move forward and just hope that they both heal and, and things get better.
- [123:15]
B
I really do think, you know, as, you know, we hear a lot about the effects of divorce on kids, you know, but I really do feel like, you know, the effect is also as, you know, monumental to the child, even as adults, you know, because I feel like now you're at a stage where you're mature, you know, and see things for what they are. You're able to understand both your dad, both your mom, and be like, oh, I see where you went wrong, wrong, I see where you went wrong. So everything almost feels bigger and more because you have to really face things. And I hope that you're able to, you know, heal in that sense and also not feel responsible for something not working out. Like you said, that's their relationship. It's not your fault. And you know, some things are. It is what it is and it sucks, but you know, you're gonna be fine, you know, and it sucks that you feel almost like, how do I say it? Like responsibility over something that you really don't have much say in happening. You know what I mean? Because like you said, if it was about me, then why are the other issues not solved? You know, to finish that topic of, you know, divorce. What piece of advice can you give anyone watching that might be going through something similar and might also be feeling the same way you feel?
- [124:31]
A
Honestly, I think it's important to never blame yourself for being the reason that your parents divorce. I also believe that you shouldn't blame yourself to not being able to notice the things that were going on within their marriage. Because it's not your, your job as a child to pay attention to your parents relationship. It's not your job to make sure they're doing good or to check in on them to make sure they're not falling apart. It's not your job. And I feel like you shouldn't blame yourself for anything because at the end of the day, sometimes if it's not meant to be, it's not meant to be and you shouldn't have to blame yourself for it. I feel like that's something that I've been doing for the past couple of years. I've been blaming myself for not noticing these things and blaming myself for, for, I guess, contributing to it. Because like I said, I did argue with my dad a lot, but at the end of the day, this is between them. It has nothing to do with me. Yes, I may have argued with my dad, but at the end of the day, this is between him and my mom. And that can, that can honestly be for any of you out there. Your parents could be arguing and you might think it's your fault, but it's not. They're the adults and their relationship. They're the only ones who are in charge of their own feelings and their own commitment. And if it's not meant to be, it's not meant to be. But just know that there's always a rainbow at the end of the tunnel. Your mom, your dad, they will find love no matter what. And it might, it might have not just been their, their current partner, but there's someone there waiting in the future and they'll come when they least expect it. And that's going to be their fairy tale that they get to experience later down the road.
- [125:59]
B
I love that, I love that because I, I, I do agree. You know, I feel like that's their responsibility. I feel like in a relationship it doesn't end, you know, after five years. It's a working relationship. And maybe your parents still stopped working on their relationship after kids after, but that's not your problem. You know what I mean? Like they're, like you said, they're the adults. I just really hope that you're able to find, you know, that healing within yourself. And you know, I, I can't wait to see, once you've healed from that, you're going to be able to see things even in a different perspective without feeling blame, you know, thank you so much for all the conversations we've had today for opening up the way you did to end today's interview. Where do you see yourself in the next five years? Whether that's relationship wise, career wise? Where do you see yourself, girly, in five years?
- [126:49]
A
I see myself with a five year old baby and I see myself with a wedding ring and a house. And I see myself a billionaire manifested. I see myself as a billionaire. I see myself being successful. I see myself giving back to my parents, not only to them, but to my siblings. I see myself providing for them because yes, I may be the middle child, but I have a younger sister and I have an older brother. I want to provide for anyone that I can. I also see myself being like the best version of myself right now I'm currently working on like working out, eating better. But in five years, I see myself being that strong, that strong woman. You see it in Pilates. Like, I see myself being healthy, healthy, alive and happy, honestly, within my relationship, within my family, you know, and my friendships too. I see myself having some friendships flourishing.
- [127:42]
B
And you will everything that all the goals you have. I like we've been saying, if you want to make them happen, there's nothing that's going to stop you from making them happen. And I'm so excited to see where 5, 10 years look like for you, you know. Once again, thank you so much for being here with us today. And thank you guys so much for watching. If you guys have not followed her just yet, which if you haven't, go ahead and do so, I will leave all her links down below as well as on the screen right here right now so you guys won't miss any future episodes. Once again, thank you so much for being here.
- [128:18]
A
Thank you.
- [128:19]
B
And thank you guys so much for watching. And we. And we'll see you guys in the next one. Bye, guys. You did so good. Oh my God. This episode is brought to you by ESPN. Catch the first WWE premium live event on ESPN, Russell Palooza live on Saturday, September 20th at 7:00pm Eastern Time Time. It's going to be an epic night in Indianapolis featuring some of the biggest WWE Superstars. This event is only on espn, so go to stream ESPN and sign up to the ESPN app today for your all access pass to Russell Palooza and all WWE Premium Live events.