← Not All Hood (NAH) with Malcolm-Jamal Warner & Candace Kelley
Not All Hood (NAH) with Malcolm-Jamal Warner & Candace Kelley
027 - Degrees, Bags... No Love? What Do You Really Bring To a Relationship w/ April Mason
01:09:41
In this soul-shaking episode of Not All Hood, Malcolm-Jamal Warner and Candace Kelley sit down with transformational identity coach April Mason for one of the most raw and nuanced conversations of the season. Mason pulls no punches as she challenges high-achieving women to confront their intrinsic value beyond career accolades, beauty, or domesticity. The trio explore emotional intelligence, performative femininity, dating myths, and the shifting dynamics of love in modern Black relationships. With surgical precision, Mason unpacks why many women are struggling in relationships—not because of a lack of options, but a lack of identity. From girlfriend traps to the misunderstood power of energy and presence, this episode is a wake-up call for both men and women on how to lead with self-love, intention, and wholeness. April even assigns some relationship homework… if you're brave enough to do the work.
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- [00:00]
April Mason
This podcast is sponsored by Talkspace. Last year, I went through many different life changes. I needed to take a pause and examine how I was feeling in the inside to better show up for the ones who need me to be my best version of myself. When you're navigating life's changes, Talkspace can help. Talkspace is the number one rated online therapy, bringing you professional support from licensed therapists and psychiatry providers that you can access anytime, anywhere. Living a busy life, navigating a long distance relationship, becoming a first stepfather, Talkspace made all of those journeys possible. I could speak with my therapist in the office. I could speak with my therapist in the comfort of my home. I was never alone. Talkspace works with most major insurers and most insured members have a $0 copay. No insurance, no problem. Now get $80 off your first month with promo code SPACE80 when you go to talkspace.com match with a licensed therapist today at talkspace.com save $80 with code SPACE80 at talk. In order to get what you want, you have to be offering something. And I tell my ladies, in exchange for what you want him to do, what are you bringing that doesn't require you to be domesticated? Cooking and cleaning that doesn't require you to bear children? Like, what is your value? What is your intrinsic value? What is the feminine experience that you bring to this man that you're asking him to do all of these things. And when I ask my clients that, they don't know now, they're always educated. They have a lot of letters behind their name. They're part of the sorority. You know the girls, right?
- [01:33]
Malcolm
We know them.
- [01:33]
April Mason
You know the girls. But when I say, all right, you sitting in my office, what? And you got this list of all these men, the type of man that you want, what does he get from you?
- [01:48]
Malcolm
Welcome to not all hood. Our relationships, they'll never stop being a hot topic. In fact, most people in one right now are working out some part of their relationship. We're looking at how we all show up in love and friendship with April Mason. She calls herself an identity and transformational architect. That's a lot, right? But her one on one guidance and workshops are very, very popular. And we wanted to find out the why and the how. How does she guide men and women through personal reinvention? Well, the men in the studio certainly showed up with lots of answers and opinions. And we gave April some really specific questions about what it takes to, to lead people to make a radical identity switch. She assigned us a little homework with this one. All in the name of love. Enjoy the conversation.
- [02:46]
Unknown
So say it again. Somebody told you I'm stuck with it.
- [02:50]
Malcolm
So if we are going through myths and advice. I have heard the phrase a few times. You know, me, even saying this is gonna sound so bad. This is not something I co. Sign. Ascribe to anything anymore.
- [03:06]
April Mason
Right.
- [03:07]
Malcolm
Okay, now I didn't say anymore.
- [03:08]
Unknown
Okay.
- [03:09]
Malcolm
No, not. But marry a man that loves you more than you love him.
- [03:14]
Unknown
And when you heard that, how did that land on you?
- [03:19]
Malcolm
At which age?
- [03:20]
April Mason
Cause listen, it makes a difference.
- [03:22]
Malcolm
You know what? In my younger years, that did not make sense at all. As I got older, I understood the concept more. Okay, let me say that before I like, you know, get locked in.
- [03:36]
April Mason
Okay.
- [03:37]
Unknown
Okay.
- [03:37]
Malcolm
And by understanding the concept more, I mean, you better jump in now. I'm not looking.
- [03:43]
April Mason
No, no, you tag me in when I tag me.
- [03:48]
Malcolm
By that, I mean, I think what people meant in giving that advice is that, that way. Because women are normally in a position where they're giving, giving, giving, giving love, love, love, love. You know, the thoughts about love and the movies about love. We've been trained to love and want and be in a relationship, so it seems naturally there. It's like just like a natural inclination to. I think I love him. Girl, it's been three days, that type of thing. Right. So that. Since that's always there, try to make sure you find someone that loves you more, and then maybe you maybe be somewhere in the middle. That's the best way I can expl. I've never had to articulate it, actually, but that's the best way I can explain what they meant. Again, not what I validated or co. Signed.
- [04:35]
Unknown
Gotcha.
- [04:36]
Malcolm
Yeah, but does that make. You know, it's kind of like how we were. It's the training of a woman and how she sees herself in society. And it's normally matched up with a man. Like, that's the plan. The plan always has had a man.
- [04:54]
April Mason
Exactly.
- [04:56]
Unknown
Yeah. I mean, I just, I. I think about. So when you say that, I think about being in situations where, you know, women have felt more for me than I necessarily felt for them. And being on the receiving end of that, that's not a good feeling.
- [05:12]
Malcolm
And see, when you said that earlier, that's.
- [05:14]
April Mason
That's what we knew. Yeah, we know that. So it's like when a woman, when we're told that. Because I. Most women, probably a lot of women watching this will say they've heard that before. This is like a staple in the starter pack. You Know as a young lady in the starter pack. But the very thing you said is the reason why I believe we're told that because you weren't at the same level of love that she was at, but yet she was willing to give you everything. So for us, because it can take you guys longer to get there, we're told find somebody. Pretty much find somebody who you're his dream girl. When you're his dream girl, he's already going to see you and hold you at a different position. Whereas if you find somebody where you are growing and it takes him longer, he's indecisive. He doesn't know. He's not consistent. You may see everything you want to see in this man. And typically for women is more of an emotional thing. He may not see that in you. So you're going to be giving, giving, giving. So it's like you said, it's coming, you know, meeting him in the middle. But make sure it just takes him longer to get to your start. And then when you meet here, that's what we are doing.
- [06:17]
Unknown
That's right. So that's the equivalent of you're with someone because you see their potential, not seeing what they are.
- [06:23]
April Mason
I don't agree. Right. I don't agree with getting with someone with potential either. So you're absolutely correct. But y' all know we feelings. We bunch of emotions.
- [06:33]
Unknown
But that feels like. So I've been in situations where I've dug the woman more than she's dug me. And that's not a good place to be in at all.
- [06:41]
April Mason
But that's why it's the middle.
- [06:43]
Malcolm
So I understand that feeling that you're talking about. No, you don't want somebody who.
- [06:48]
April Mason
Oh.
- [06:49]
Malcolm
Actually catering to your every need. And you were like, I cannot meet you. You're making me feel uncomfortable. So I understand that. And that's exactly what came to mind when you said that wasn't a good feeling.
- [06:58]
April Mason
But it's different.
- [06:59]
Malcolm
I think it's different for a man.
- [07:01]
April Mason
Yeah, I think. I think it's a little different too. Because you guys are. We're taught. Now I won't say you aren't, but we're taught you're not programmed to feel. Right. So it takes you a lot longer to get to the feelings. Emotional space.
- [07:14]
Unknown
That.
- [07:14]
April Mason
That's what we are taught.
- [07:15]
Malcolm
Right. We're not saying we're cosign.
- [07:16]
April Mason
Right. That's what we're taught.
- [07:18]
Malcolm
Theories. Theories.
- [07:19]
April Mason
We are taught with the head below. That's what we're taught as little girls understand every Boy that comes towards you, he's just trying to get up. That's what we hear. Right. So when you start talking about how you guys view it and how we view it, it's like a man. Cause sometimes it takes him a minute. Unless. I've only seen it work differently when the man is, like, into you and you like him too, but you slow down the pace. That's the only time I've seen it actually work. A woman just throwing herself at a man that's not interested. I feel bad for. Because some it takes you guys longer. And what I've learned is we can grow into being attracted to you guys. You guys typically either you like us or are attracted to us or you're nice. Kind of hard to grow into attraction for us. I've never seen it happen. That doesn't mean it hasn't. But I've never seen a man say, hmm, I'm gonna get with her because she has the potential to be attractive to me.
- [08:13]
Unknown
Sure, right, true.
- [08:14]
April Mason
You know, but we will. We will connect with you all and say, he has the potential to be great, even though I might not be. He might not be where he needs to be, but we'll do that. I've yet to see a man say, well, she has potential to lose the weight. So I'm going to go ahead and I'm going to go ahead and make her my wife.
- [08:31]
Malcolm
Not as. Not as visual as they are.
- [08:33]
Unknown
No, no, we go. Okay, she looks like that now.
- [08:37]
April Mason
Yes.
- [08:39]
Unknown
Seven years after a baby. Yeah, yeah, we're visual. Yeah, we are.
- [08:45]
Malcolm
You know, I sent Malcolm a statistic.
- [08:47]
April Mason
I don't have in front of me.
- [08:49]
Malcolm
Maybe we remember. Let's test our memories about the number of black people who've been. Who were married in 1960 versus now. So back then, it was like it was 61%.
- [09:03]
April Mason
Yeah, I saw that.
- [09:04]
Malcolm
And then, you know, as of late.
- [09:06]
Unknown
Down to 32.
- [09:07]
Malcolm
Yeah, it was down to 32. I mean, it was. And, you know, it had gone down to the white population. Not as. Not as much. But we will talk here and there, just the crew, everybody, about these details about what's going on within relationships within the black community, what social media is doing and all those little sound bites, because people are really creating a narrative about relationships online. And I think to a detriment.
- [09:34]
April Mason
I agree. I see it all the time. And the thing is, people live on their phones. Most people don't have lives. I tell my clients my. Especially women. Women are boring. They don't have lives outside of the kids, school, Home, church, But yet they'll get on the Internet and look at something that someone's saying and say, yep, all men are like this. I'm like, sis, when the last time you actually had a date? Oh, I haven't been out in like five years. So how can this be your narrative when you don't, you don't. You're not even participating in the dating pool. And I believe when you really look at the stats, especially this conversation of six figures, he gotta make six figures. Yes. The thing is, if you look at the stats, the average man in America doesn't even make $70,000 a year like that. And then studies show that 21% of men that make $100,000 a year, there's only 21%. Out of that 21%, only 8% are black men. So people are getting married every day. Everybody is not marrying somebody with six figures. So where is all of this? I believe women don't know how to articulate. I'm looking for someone that is secure because you can be with somebody that may not be six figures and he's still stable and have less debt than you do. But I don't think people are looking at what's really going on when you really look at the numbers. They're listening to the pod, I call them, you know, the podcast Mike Bros. And the. And the chicks. I heard a girl on a podcast say, if he's only making $50,000 a year, he shouldn't be dating. But why?
- [11:05]
Unknown
Right? Because the first question I would ask is, how much you making? Right.
- [11:10]
Malcolm
Wait. Not the men. Amen corner.
- [11:14]
April Mason
Just collateral.
- [11:15]
Malcolm
It's like y' all was practicing for a choir.
- [11:17]
April Mason
The girl, They've been waiting for that. They've been waiting for that. Right?
- [11:21]
Unknown
And I think, I think pay for everything and we gotta pay for everything. Right? Right. Ask that question one more time.
- [11:30]
April Mason
Yes.
- [11:31]
Unknown
And I think that falls, that falls into the narrative of young girls are taught. One, you save yourself till you find Mr. Right. And Mr. Right is supposed to come in and sweep you off your feet and take care of you. So a lot of times women come into, they come to the table looking for you to take. Looking for men to take care of them. Whereas, you know, men, like, like, like I want a woman who I know is self sufficient. Like, I want you. I need to see a woman who can take care of herself.
- [12:08]
Malcolm
To a point though, right? Because isn't there a time where you want to come in and be the hero? Isn't there a time where you want to Come in and be like, I got it right.
- [12:17]
April Mason
Exactly.
- [12:18]
Malcolm
Aren't there those times?
- [12:20]
Unknown
So the damsel in distress.
- [12:24]
Malcolm
I mean, is your wife going to be taking out the garbage every single Tuesday morning?
- [12:27]
Unknown
No. No.
- [12:28]
April Mason
So it's. So it's those small things. It's not that. Right, right, right. Social media make it looks like he has to be paying my bills. He has to be buying me Birkin bags. It's like the higher ticket items. Well, it could be just be you took out the garbage or you opened the car door, like those type. It's not necessarily the big things. I think social media makes it look as he, you know, as the girl say, he flew me out. Everybody that fly you Dubai, you know, everybody. I'm taking you to Dubai. Right, right.
- [12:55]
Unknown
Also, as men, we want women who are emotionally intelligent.
- [12:59]
Malcolm
True, right. Oh, yes.
- [13:01]
Unknown
So. So, like, I'm not looking for a woman. And for me, you know, my filter is I've been on television since I was 11 years old, so I already know that there's a target on my back. I've always known that. So for a woman to come to me and, you know, you know, have that look in her eye.
- [13:21]
April Mason
What's the look?
- [13:24]
Unknown
They see dollar signs. They see, yo, this a good life.
- [13:28]
Malcolm
When was the last time somebody gave you. Well, your ring tells it, but I'm sure. Do you get the look these days? I'm just curious of someone who's like, oh, I know he's got that ring, but I'm just saying how women do.
- [13:38]
Unknown
Right.
- [13:38]
Malcolm
I'm just curious.
- [13:39]
Unknown
Okay. So I used to wear. So I. I've worn a ring on my finger. Like, I got my first ring. I was like, 14, and I thought, you wear a ring on the ring finger. So I've always worn a ring on this finger. And like, you can look at every Cosby episode. I've always, always had a ring. Whether, you know, a ring, then my graduation ring. I've always had a ring on this finger. And it wasn't until I was about 16 that I realized, you know, a ring on that finger meant you were married. So then once I figured that out, I would realize that from that point on, even being being an adult, women gravitated toward that.
- [14:20]
April Mason
Yeah.
- [14:20]
Unknown
Like, the ring became the calling card.
- [14:28]
April Mason
Wow.
- [14:28]
Unknown
Yeah. So I don't. I don't know if I get it so much now. I think now because, you know, I'm, you know, I'm quite vocal about my wife.
- [14:36]
April Mason
Yeah.
- [14:36]
Unknown
You know, like. Like, I think at this point, to know anything about me, you Know that I've got, you know, I, I brag on my wife and daughter like ad nauseam. So, So I think, yeah, on one level, that even makes me even more attractive. It's crazy. Like, women are crazy. I'm just, I'm just, I'm just gonna say women are.
- [14:55]
April Mason
I agree.
- [14:56]
Unknown
Fucking bananas.
- [14:57]
April Mason
I agree.
- [14:58]
Unknown
And lot of it goes into. Back to us saying just, just how we, we, we, we, we talk to our young girls like, you know, you find a man who's going to take care of you. Whereas I look at, like I said, I want to see a woman who knows how to take care of herself, you know, taking out the trash and all this stuff that's later down the line. Like, like, how do you care for yourself? Like, I don't want to have to, I don't want to have to babysit. Right? I don't want to. I don't want you looking at me, you know, on a first date and, you know, you're looking at me to do everything right. You know, we have a first date, don't necessarily expect me to pay.
- [15:42]
Malcolm
Is that right?
- [15:43]
Unknown
Yeah. Come. Come to.
- [15:44]
April Mason
Why not?
- [15:45]
Unknown
Come to. Come to the. Come to the table with the mindset that this might be Dutch.
- [15:53]
Malcolm
That is not the Malcolm I thought I knew. Let me turn to the, Let me turn to the quiet.
- [15:57]
Unknown
No, because you gotta turn to the quiet again. You gotta understand, you gotta. You talking to the wrong crowd here.
- [16:05]
April Mason
You talking to the wrong.
- [16:08]
Unknown
So you gotta understand that, yes, I know I can take care of it.
- [16:11]
Malcolm
Yeah.
- [16:12]
April Mason
Yeah, right.
- [16:12]
Unknown
And you know I can take care of it. Okay, so at least come to me again. This is my filter. At least come to me like you're gonna pay half. At least come to me like you're prepared to take half. Take care of half, Let me know that you are self sufficient enough. That's your. That you can take yours.
- [16:31]
Malcolm
Okay?
- [16:31]
April Mason
Okay. Is she supposed to say that at the table? How does. So this is how I view it. Yeah, it's a transaction.
- [16:40]
Malcolm
Comrades, if you're enjoying this episode, join the conversation and make sure to, like, subscribe and comment below. Nah, nah, nah.
- [16:49]
April Mason
The only reason why a man approaches a woman is, number one, is because of what he sees. In exchange for seeing this woman, I want to get to know her. I'm willing to pay to go out with her in exchange for the beauty that I just saw.
- [17:01]
Unknown
Wow.
- [17:02]
April Mason
That's how the. That's how the trans. That's how it starts off, as a transaction. When was the last time any of you fellas approached an ugly woman and said, hey, I want to go out with you. I'm willing to spend money on an ugly woman and even take her to ihop. When was the last time you did that?
- [17:16]
Unknown
Only never.
- [17:17]
April Mason
Oh, exactly. So is it I saw somebody in Home Depot and I saw them hips. I saw that face, I saw that smile, I saw that skin. And subconsciously, without you even knowing it, you wanted to go out with her. So at that moment, you didn't even realize, I'm willing to go take her out and spend money. I ain't even thinking about Dutch. I just want to sit across this table from this beautiful woman. When was the last time y' all took out an ugly girl?
- [17:44]
Unknown
Yeah, you talking to the wrong dude. Yeah, because my. Again, I've been on television since I was 11 years old. So you know how many beautiful women I see? You know how many hips and thighs that I see that thrown at me?
- [18:02]
April Mason
Yeah. When was the last time you guys took the ugly woman out?
- [18:06]
Unknown
But, but again, so the, the, the assumption is, huh? So the. Okay.
- [18:23]
April Mason
Okay, well, let me reframe.
- [18:25]
Unknown
I'm trying to get to the misconception, right?
- [18:27]
April Mason
No, no, no, no, no. Let me reframe. Let me reframe it, fellas. How many of you in here have slept with a woman that you knew you weren't going to be with?
- [18:35]
Unknown
Sure. Yeah.
- [18:36]
April Mason
Okay.
- [18:36]
Unknown
Okay.
- [18:37]
April Mason
How many of you knew that you couldn't just tell her, I just want to sleep with you and I'm going to throw you out on the onset? Of course not. Okay, so how many of you have sweet talked her, been consistent, and you were looking for the lowest barrier of entry to the sex and you took her out pretty good? I know I'm good at what I do. So in exchange for the sex you were trying to get to, you were willing to take her out? It's called a transaction. Sometimes you guys think we think it's about a look. But attraction and beauty are two different things. And we will accept you guys. You know how many women accept men would look like they 72 months pregnant? We like the big sexies and we'll accept that as is. Right. But we don't always get the same courtesy. Right? We don't always get that. So attraction and beauty to me are two different things. And if you look at, if you line up a bunch of men, most of them are not aesthetically just dang he handsome. Some were just blessed. But I don't think God created it that way intentionally. Because how you guys view us with the beauty. You know, we are the lookers in the relationship, but men can make themselves extremely attractive. Like, I've seen men that did not aesthetically look pleasing. But you couldn't keep me. You couldn't keep me away from him. It's like. It's something. But, April, he's not even. No, he got that thing. Whatever that thing was, he had it, and it made him attractive to me.
- [20:06]
Malcolm
But you said it's a transaction with the whole taking you out.
- [20:11]
April Mason
I think, honestly, all relationships are transactional. It doesn't necessarily mean it's money, though. I teach my ladies that want these men to take care of them and come in and provide. And I've even had male friends say, april, I went on a date with a girl, and she called me the next day. She need $3,000 because her brakes is messed up. Her brakes is messed up, right? But I believe, and this is just me, that in order to get what you want, you have to be offering something. And I tell my ladies, in exchange for what you want him to do, what are you bringing that doesn't require you to be domesticated? Cooking and cleaning that doesn't require you to bear children? Like, what is your value? What is your intrinsic value? What is the feminine experience that you bring to this man that you're asking him to do all of these things? And when I ask my clients that, they don't know now, they're always educated. They have a lot of letters behind their name. They're part of the sororities. You know the girls, right?
- [21:06]
Malcolm
We know them.
- [21:07]
April Mason
You know the girls. But when I say, all right, you're sitting in my office, what, and you got this list of all these men, this type of man that you want. What does he get from you? What do you mean? What does he get in exchange for this long list that even Jesus cannot read? What does he get? And so when I start talking about intrinsic values, they don't know what I'm talking about. I said, are you good for his peace, legacy and his portfolio? Like, what you mean? Well, I can cook. He can hire somebody to do that. He can hire somebody to sleep with him. He can hire somebody to decorate the house. What do you bring? How does you change his life? How are you an asset to this man? And I would say 98% of my ladies, they can't answer that, but they have. They make high six figures. They drive the baby businesses. You know, they have the house, they have the portfolios. But the hardest time they have is when it comes to men. Because I'm like, I hate to say it, but women not today are academically intelligent, but womanly wisdom poor. They don't have it. And I see this every time we open our email, every time, you know, we get. And it doesn't even mean she's a woman just of the world. She could be. I deal with a lot of celebrities, a lot of these women. I'm like, girl, okay, so you on the show, but why are you calling my office? Well, Cause I can't get no ma. But I said, I'm watching your interviews, and you lead with all of your accomplishments. But you tell me you want this kind of guy. Well, that kind of guy don't need this from you. He needs this from you. And it's so hard to get them to be in, to let go of the ego enough to bring it down, to become the type of woman that the type of man they listed would want.
- [22:47]
Malcolm
Is this what you mean by your identity switch and that so kind of.
- [22:50]
April Mason
Repositioning yourself, it's changing your identity. Most of our identity was given to us until you start realizing what you've been doing isn't working. And so most of the women and men that I coach with, they have this identity that's surrounded by their extrinsic values. I have to get them to their intrinsic values to see what matters. Outside of your wallet, what can you give a man or a woman that money can't buy? That's the hard work. It's easy to be able to buy somebody a purse, you know, to take somebody out on a date. That's easy. But what happens when there's no money to go on a date? Or somebody doesn't need you for that? He doesn't need you for money. He doesn't need you to bear his children. He already had children. He's divorced. He's ready to live another life. Okay, so what do you have? They can never tell me. And this goes with a lot of the men that I deal with as well, especially those that are in the multimillion dollar tier. Those guys, they can't choose a woman if their life depended on it. The type that they say they want because their value comes from what's on paper and what's in their wallet. And I'm like, okay, that kind of woman's not gonna want you because she wants you to give her something else. Well, why she won't date me. You know, I'm on this, and I do that. Okay, yeah, I wouldn't date you either, because you're not husband material. You're a high earner. You're not a high value man. That's different. And so that's what we have to work on, showing people what their intrinsic value. And I believe it goes back to what you said about this whole issue with the relationships. People don't know their intrinsic value so that they don't know what they offer. And if you look at any magazine, women's magazine, make sure you have all of these things. That's basic. This doesn't apply to all of us. And these are just things that I had to go through after my divorce. What do you value? And the things I was told to value, I really didn't. I didn't value having somebody take. I value somebody taking care of me. But I'm also an enterprising type of woman. So you can take care of me, but you got to let me fly too. I don't need to be up under you all day, you know. But I was taught different.
- [24:48]
Unknown
So. So what do women want? What do women really want versus what they say they want?
- [24:55]
April Mason
Child, women lie. When I tell you, they lie so bad.
- [25:00]
Unknown
Well, you know, but.
- [25:02]
Malcolm
But they lie because they've been conditioned to believe that lie. Or are you saying it's kind of more intentional?
- [25:10]
April Mason
They lie because they don't know themselves. Perfect example. Okay, I turned 48 a couple years ago and I had a sale. My business partner, he said, why don't you have a $48 sale? I said, okay, we polled the women to see what they wanted. No, this was when I turned 49 last year. We polled the women to see what they wanted. Oh, Ms. April, I want to learn how to be a better woman. I want to make my identity switch. I want to learn how to be the feminine woman. Okay, bet I'm going to put together a sale. $49 sale for 49 hours, all about becoming the woman. We didn't even do $5,000 in sales for that sale the year prior. I did a $48 sale all about the man. How to be flirty, witty banter, how to get just. Just those kind of things. We did over 51,000 in 48 hours. So my son in law works for the family business and he's the numbers guy and a data. And we get into it all the time because of the data with these women. I said, son in law, listen, I've been doing this work for 20 years. What they write is what they think they should be, but what they spend their money on, what they invest in is not this. And so when I say they lie, they, instead of becoming that woman, they would rather like to think that I'm her. But their actions don't show that. Right. So that's what I would say.
- [26:20]
Unknown
So that's what. So, so. So that's why I ask.
- [26:22]
April Mason
Yeah.
- [26:23]
Unknown
Just based on your clientele, what do women want versus what they say they want or do they know?
- [26:30]
April Mason
They don't know. But I'll speak for most of them that I come across. They honestly, they really want to be claimed. They want to be cared for. They want somebody that's. That has their back that can take some weight off of them and not necessarily financially, but they want someone to make them feel like, you got me. Whether he's making $70,000 a year or $270,000 a year, whether he's making $40,000 a year or whatever. It really doesn't boil down to the money because the average man doesn't make what these women are asking for. But men and women are getting married every day. So it makes you say, what are you looking for? And what it really is. It's somebody to make them feel like home. That's why they end up getting played so easily. Because all of this stuff you say, and then here come lakeith with a little bit of what you wanted to make you feel good. You drop the guard so quickly. You have no boundaries anymore. You have no standards anymore. Wait, what about this list? You had this list. This is a long list that this sounds like a woman of standard, but here comes a man that doesn't meet these standards that you set, and you make all of these twists and turns to make him fit because that's not what you really wanted. And we see it all the time now.
- [27:42]
Malcolm
I will pull some of my single girlfriends together who have been on dating apps, and they would tell you, I am trying.
- [27:50]
April Mason
I love the dating apps.
- [27:52]
Malcolm
Do you?
- [27:52]
April Mason
My daughter met her husband on the dating app. I would say 60% of my people met their spouses on the dating app, and they've been married 15 years and under.
- [28:01]
Malcolm
My friends are having a hard time.
- [28:02]
April Mason
Listen, I can tell you why.
- [28:04]
Malcolm
Okay, I'd like to know. Okay, so I'll just give you three situations. One, they lied. One person lied on the application. That picture, he looked like he was 42.
- [28:12]
April Mason
In person, he looked 62.
- [28:15]
Malcolm
Better update that picture.
- [28:17]
April Mason
Yes.
- [28:17]
Malcolm
The second one sat down with checked out everything. Her sister checked out. Did he own everything he said he owned? Did he do everything he said he would do?
- [28:27]
April Mason
Great.
- [28:27]
Malcolm
Everybody, family, invested. She's going out on a date. Went to the date. Who shows up, by the way? He was a pastor. Went to the date. I know, put the bookmark, went to the date. And here comes someone. She was on her way to work in her scrub. She was like, just wanna let you know this man you're with, that's my man. We've been together for 11 years. So she came and busted up the date. And my girlfriend was like, oh, my bad. I mean, she didn't know what to do. He was telling her, let me see the final situation. Yeah, you know, I guess he was called what was in a situationship, which I hate that word because I don't even know what that means. I just know it's not anything good. But he was still. He was separated still. She's living upstairs, he's living downstairs, and he's out on a date thinking that this person, my friend, is going to be okay with that. And so those are the three situations. All I'm saying is that these women out here, they are trying, but it's hard to get a start.
- [29:23]
April Mason
Oh, I'll say this, this is what I say to the girls for the online dating. If you look at most the people that have broken your heart or that you met in real life, I mean, met throughout your life, you met them in person and they still did janky stuff, just like the men can do online. What I find is women don't know how to vet women. Vet for bank account. Does he have a job? You know, the one that gets me is, is he God fearing? What does that even mean? Typically that means, does he go to church? Like, they don't even know what they're asking. They're just listing things. So vetting a person. And I also believe that women try to get to the finish line instead of just having fun. Everybody you meet is not gonna be your husband. He just might be someone that you go out with and you say, okay, I don't like this, but I like that. Okay, so we're not a good fit. But it wasn't a bad date. And I believe that a lot of times women don't. They don't know how to just be free. Everything is overth. Everything is trying to figure out where it's going to go. Because I'm tired of dating. Most women don't like dating anyway because they're trying to get to the happily ever after, so there's no fun. And then, God, I have to go through their day. I do dating profile audits with them. If you are a red pill watcher. Swipe left. I am not interested in a man that doesn't go to church, that doesn't love God. Like, they have all of these things. I'm like, girl, that doesn't want nobody talking to you because their profiles, it's interrogating. It's not fun and flirty and airy like, they say the same stuff. I like to go to the beach. I like jazz. There's nothing about the personality. And women use a whole lot of filters. And I've seen that quite a bit. I'm like, girl, you know, your face round. Why do you. Why is your face oval now? You know, you gotta show up the way.
- [31:05]
Unknown
Real filters.
- [31:06]
April Mason
Yeah, real filters. She means little filters with the little flowers. Yes, Snapchat. I've seen that with the phone from here. Yes. But the fellows are even worse when it comes to their dating profiles. I mean, I can give it to the ladies, but the fellas, I'm like, do you have anybody that love you to do your bot profile? The phone down here, you see up his nose, the mirror's not clear, he has sunglasses on. Now, you know, men are using filters as well, too. So I think people just aren't. They don't know how to show them their authentic selves and what they are because of, like you said earlier, we got so much stuff on social media, it makes people feel inadequate instead of just saying, you know what? This is who I'm, who I am, and I'm a present myself and be who I am to the world. But most people don't do that.
- [31:52]
Unknown
So how much of your training deals with self love?
- [31:57]
April Mason
All of it.
- [31:57]
Unknown
Okay?
- [31:58]
April Mason
I just have to bait them in with the man and the woman. So everything I do is that. Yeah, they don't. Anytime I go in a room and I'm doing a conference, the first question I ask is, you all know who I am. I tell me who you are, and I give them a list of things to not list, don't list. I'm a mother. What school you went to. Don't list that you go, woman of God. Don't list anything that identifies you outside of being a woman. You're listing things that you've accomplished. You're not telling me who you're being. You're telling me what you've done. And most people can't do that because everything is connected. Like. And I was like, but that's wonderful. But who were you before you were a mom? You know, who were you before you had that Ph.D. or your bachelor's or your associate, who were you before those things. And it requires them to go back. So the work I do doesn't actually cost people money. They would rather spend money on dates and looking the part than actually doing the inner work that cost them nothing but time and being able to go through the emotional pain that comes with the change.
- [33:00]
Unknown
That's the part and that's the thing that resonates. I think what I was saying earlier about seeing a woman who's self sufficient, the first and foremost is how they carry themselves, how they love themselves, what their, their confidence level is. Right. So you know, it's not always, you know, really, really pretty girls, they've got insecurity issues. Just like, you know, the girls who believe they're unattractive. Right. Or girls, women whose society may say are unattractive but, but there are, I think it's the woman who doesn't, no matter what she looks like, who doesn't have to depend on their physical.
- [33:40]
April Mason
Yes.
- [33:41]
Unknown
So as you say, you know, they're unattractive men who can still pull so many women because of what they do, their swag. You know, I've, look, I've been with women who may not be considered the prettiest, but it's the, it's the way they carry themselves. Right. It's so it's, there's a self love aspect that resonates and transcends all of that.
- [34:03]
April Mason
Exactly.
- [34:04]
Unknown
How much money you're making or what you're wearing is really about how you carry yourself. And as a man, that's really the, I think the most important thing and not just myself. It's like a lot of men I know, you know, it's like, man, she got swag.
- [34:19]
April Mason
Yeah.
- [34:20]
Unknown
You know.
- [34:20]
Malcolm
Right, right.
- [34:21]
Unknown
So I think a lot of times, you know, women are coming to the table looking for a man to complete them or looking for a man to make them feel that thing as opposed to having that thing here first and foremost.
- [34:37]
April Mason
I totally agree. That's the, that's the bulk of my work right there. And I, I always say my clients that are most successful, they're not a size 2, they're not a size 8, they're BBWs. And when they walk in the room, even men that typically don't date them and would just, you know that you guys have your guide talk and you have your list of the beautiful women. When I watch those women after we've coached for some time and I watch them and I watch when they walk in the room, they supersede the confidence of any supermodel. And the men are looking and I'm watching and I'm like, she got it. I feel like a proud mom because I watch them from afar and I say, go in the room and be her. And I watch them and they might be, you know, like I said, the BBWs, but the men are drawn to them because it's that energy. But I believe. So a lot of women don't believe that you can not be considered society's definition of beautiful and get a quality man because of what we're hearing on social media. If you're over the age of X, Y and Z, if you are over this size. And I'm like, but the average size woman in America is 14, 16 and the wedding industry is over $70 billion industry. So these women are still getting married but nobody's paying attention to what actually is. So a lot of women, I hear the whole, the BBL thing, but these men, they always like the pictures of the BBL girls. I said, but they're not getting married though. I mean, I said, okay. He looked, but look at what he's choosing in real life. This is not real life.
- [36:07]
Malcolm
Because wait, here's the truth. When I see wand where I'm like, we look too, like everybody looks like a girl. Like, what is that? You know, but you know what? That is all social media.
- [36:17]
April Mason
Yeah.
- [36:17]
Malcolm
And you know, thinking that you need to have, I don't know, two big, big bags of chunky chains and you're behind. That's ridiculous.
- [36:23]
April Mason
Yes. Because you know, they say here in Atlanta is, oh my God, it's so hard to date in Atlanta. And now that I'm single now again, I said, wait, I just got to town. I lived here for 20 years. I just got to town. I didn't have the bros Roller. I went to breakfast with my grandkids and daughter this morning. One man, he said, I love your haircut. And he walks up. The other one, he walks up, he was like, can I get your plate for you? So I'm like, what is the thing? You know, they say the men aren't, they're not, they don't have what's chivalry. They don't have speak to you. I do not experience that. When I went to LA to meet with a couple clients, they were all, interesting story. They were all like these exotic looking women. Right. So they were telling me that the men in LA do not approach them. Well, I had got off the plane and it took me a little while longer to get to Where I was going because I had an hour long conversation with two different men before I got to my location. And they were actually black men. I get to the Hollywood bowl because that's where the event was. And the funny thing was one of the girls, she comes over at the end, she said, april, you should be tired. I said, why? She said, I saw all the people coming to talk to you. Now, these girls thought because they look like the exotic ones, that they were going to get all the attention. It didn't happen. And so when she said that, I said, what do you mean? She was like, yeah, I watched everybody come over. I said, girl, it's the energy thing. I'm very friendly. I'm very warm.
- [37:46]
Malcolm
Well, now, did you have on that dress? Because that's cute.
- [37:49]
April Mason
Girl, listen.
- [37:50]
Malcolm
That would do. Girl, listen.
- [37:52]
April Mason
I pulled this out my daughter's closet because I didn't want to pull. Yeah. Because I flew to town. I was like, what you got in here that your mommy can wear, honey? But. But the thing about me is I'm very airy. Like, I don't. I don't expect you guys to do anything. Well, when I say expect, I don't. Like, if you decide to say, I'm gonna take a woman out. I'm grateful that you took me out because you don't have to spend your money, your hard earned money. And I think I'm just more free. Like, I don't have. If I go out with you, is he gonna be my man? Oh, my God. We ordered the same latte. Maybe he's the one. That's God's sign that he's the one. I don't. I take every moment as this was a moment that I got to experience with this man. Unless he moves the needle in a different direction, it stays there with me. And I believe women don't know how to enjoy moments. My best friend, he said, april, the guy was dating. He said, you guys went away on a trip. He said, you guys in a relationship. I said, no, but I wanted to go on a trip. He said, you're the only woman that I know that can go out on to go on a trip and have a great weekend and come back and keep the relationship exactly where it was before you left. Well, he didn't move the needle or I didn't move the needle, but everything is the same. I don't think women know how to control their emotions enough to enjoy the moment without trying to lock you guys.
- [39:05]
Unknown
In and make him feel that. Yeah, we feel the desperation.
- [39:09]
April Mason
Yeah, we Feel. Just enjoy him.
- [39:13]
Unknown
We feel the wheels turning. We feel the. The. The long term plan by the question. Happening by the question.
- [39:19]
April Mason
It's the energy.
- [39:20]
Malcolm
Yeah, okay.
- [39:21]
April Mason
Yeah, it's the energy. Because when you have a flowy energy like that.
- [39:24]
Malcolm
Yeah.
- [39:24]
April Mason
They're trying to pin you down. It's like, whoa, you didn't call me back. Oh, baby, I was busy. I will call you back, though, I promise you. But when you are, I'm a calling before he even get off the plane and get to the house. That's a different energy. It's like, matt, man, can you just enjoy the moment? And I believe that's where a lot of women miss it. They don't know how to enjoy the moment. And I find when you enjoy the moment and leave it at that, men come chasing you because they want to know. It's different. It's a different energy. She's not trying to lock me down. She's not trying to make me her. She's not asking questions like, where is this going? What are we doing? She's not asking that. She's enjoying getting to know me because I personally don't do relationship titles other than fiance and wife.
- [40:07]
Malcolm
You don't do girlfriend. You don't do partner. Okay, I got you.
- [40:11]
Unknown
Hey, comrades, if you are enjoying the episode, join the conversation. Like, subscribe, Leave a comment below. Don't get yourself blocked. Keep it clean.
- [40:21]
April Mason
And the reason being is, if the. If my desire was to be a wife, why would I settle for being a girlfriend? Everything we can do while we're dating each other, getting to know each other, we don't have to have a title for that. And a lot of women get caught in the girlfriend trap. And that's where the. What are we doing? Why is it moving this way? Why? I'm like, no, that's when all of that comes about, you know, some of.
- [40:41]
Malcolm
The math and the time that you've been talking about, it kind of makes sense as to why some women may feel like, okay, TikTok, because if they're out there getting the PhDs and all the degrees that you're talking about and, you know, all their sororities and they've saved up and they bought the house, all that takes time. So now they're in their 40s and they're like, speed enough, right? We're gonna speed this up. Because I've got all these things lined up and I've made myself prime rib for you. So now I'm ready. And the older you get, and this is the argument that Many people make well the quicker, you know.
- [41:13]
April Mason
But here's the deal. They're not making themselves prime re ready not for a husband. They're doing all of these things and accomplishments for themselves. So what, what they've accomplished, they think that is what makes them prime rib ready. That's what goes back to what I said earlier, that women are academically intelligent but womanly wisdom and feminine experience poor. So now it's like I have these things. This should make me a great catch. And what I found talking to hundreds and thousands of men is I like that. I'm proud of you for being able to accomplish that. You know, I like that you're self sufficient. That is so cutesy. Right. However, how are you going to be an asset to my life? Because typically the men they want have all these things that they wouldn't accomplished already.
- [41:58]
Unknown
How do you enrich?
- [42:00]
April Mason
Yeah. And that's where the problem lies right there.
- [42:04]
Unknown
And also we, we also we know when you're getting yourself prime red prime rib ready for us.
- [42:12]
April Mason
Yes.
- [42:13]
Unknown
Right. It's about us. And that's why I go, that's why I always go back to the self love. It goes back to how you carry yourself, how you feel about yourself because that transcends everything. You can, you can check all of these boxes over here. But a lot of us men are looking for this other box that has been virtually ignored again because women since they're little girls have been taught you, you prime yourself, you, you save yourself for Mr. Right. You do all of these things but you spend your, you spend your. So women spend so much of their energy because they've been programmed and conditioned to find Mr. Right. So there is all these, all of these things that are going on in their own lives. But still what's taking precedence is that search for Mr. Right. Then the problem becomes when they get into a situation, when they feel like they found Mr. Right. Now that the search is over, now I can relax all of that energy that I've spent looking for Mr. Right. I no longer have to use expend energy on that. I can now deal with myself. And then that's when all of the insecurities, that's when the whole shell falls apart. Because now they don't, they don't, they don't focus on Mr. Right. They can relax that.
- [43:38]
April Mason
And now they're dealing with real self shows. Oh yeah, it's like that. It's, it's like because I've been doing this work for almost 20 years and what I see to your point Is they go out, they want to get the guy. They do the things. I call it the. What do you call it? The imposter. They do the things. Right, right. To get the guy. You know, they have this suit on, one. Yeah. The representative. So they have this representative that they have. And it's like, once you find him, it's like, oh, child, I can go to bed with my bonnet again. You know, I can look any kind of way again. It's like, so now that I got him, now I don't have to keep him. And so that's what most of my married men come to me for.
- [44:17]
Malcolm
Oh, my God.
- [44:18]
April Mason
Matter of fact, on my way here, I got a voicemail from one of the ladies. She said, whenever you. She said, we want to fly you to St. Louis because my husband want to thank you because of who I've become. And he wants to take us to dinner. The men send their wives. I had a lady. It took her. She's been married 28 years. She wanted a new ring for her. I mean, new diamond for her ring. It came out. She said her husband wasn't replacing it. I said, so what are you doing? She said, what do you mean? I said, he won't replace it because of something you're doing. And she says, no. He just. And he just went in Banana Republic. She's just going off, right? I said, okay, give me the story. She gives me the story. I said, do you want the ring or not? She said, I want to go to Costa Rica. I said, you're the reason why he's not taking you to Costa Rica. So she says, well, what do I need to do to get my husband to do these things? I said, tell me how you talk to him. And I'm listening. And I wanted to climb up under the chair. I'm like, you said what to him? She said, well, he keeps leaving the luggage out. And I told him, you must want to be homeless because you function like a homeless man. I said, why would you tell that man that? And I'm listening to her language. I said, oh, this is why you're not getting what you want. I said, now, I can help you, but you're gonna have to let your ego go in order to do what I'm suggesting that you do. I said, do you want the luggage put up? She said, yes. I said, do you want the diamond in the ring? Yes. I said, do you wanna go to Costa Rica? She said, yes. All right, great. This is what you're gonna do. You are going to change your Language. I said, so let's. There's a. There's a guy that would come in that always had been traveling, right? And he would always tell her about his travels. I said, o, this is perfect. When you go home, I need your demeanor. I need you to bring it on down. And I need you to go buy some lingerie. He's going to think something's up because I haven't worn lingerie in years. I said, go get some lingerie. I said, get like four different pieces. When you go home, you're going to model it for him. But while you're modeling it, you're going to say, honey, oh, my God. There's this guy that keeps coming into the shop. And I keep telling him that I'm married, but he doesn't believe me because I don't have. I don't have a diamond in my ring. But I keep telling them that I'm married while you're modeling. And then you say, he always tells me about these places he's gone. He just recently went to Costa Rica. And she said, what? I said, just listen to me. And I said, watch what's going to happen. And she said, but I don't want to wear lingerie. I said, just do what I'm telling you to do. So you're planting the seed of being. You're making a transition into somebody different. I said, this is not just something that you do. This is something you need to become. I said, can you keep this up? Can you make this a part of. Of who you are? She was like, I'm gonna try.
- [46:58]
Unknown
So make what part?
- [47:00]
April Mason
Continuing to do that? Because that's what he was asking her for. More affection, more romance.
- [47:06]
Unknown
Okay, I missed that part.
- [47:07]
April Mason
Yeah. I probably didn't say it, but he was asking her for these things. I said, but you can't just do this to get to Costa Rica. I need you to do it on a regular basis. So it was like everything in her was just squirming. Like, I told her that you have to spend $100,000 to get him to do this. I said, sweetheart, all this is costing you is your nothing more. I said, do you love him because you guys been together 28 years? She said, I do. I said, so why can't you give him what you're he's asking for when it doesn't cost you anything?
- [47:38]
Malcolm
Now, some woman would say, though, why do I have to play all these games?
- [47:42]
April Mason
That's not a game. That's not a game. What it is, is, in other words.
- [47:47]
Malcolm
She didn't want to put on the lingerie. I mean, it was an idea that came from you in order to get to an end. She didn't want to do that. You know, this whole idea of saying, and by the way, I understand what you're saying, but I could hear some girlfriends in my ear, like, well, that's not me.
- [48:03]
April Mason
Okay, then that's why you don't have what you want. Like, I can't. I can't show you. Like, for instance, I put it like this. If I know snakes don't eat watermelons, why would I give it a snake? Why would I give it a watermelon? Women want to give men what they want to give them, not actually what they would like. That's where a lot of the problem. And women want men to think and feel the way we do. I know a snake doesn't eat that. Why would I give a cat dog food? And I know it doesn't eat it? I learn what it eats. I learn how to speak to it. I learn how it hears. And then I funnel what I'm saying through that. That's the part women have a hard time with. I don't want to do that. This is why you're in the position that you're in. I learned. Had to learn feminine language to talk to men. I don't talk to men the same way that I talk to women, which is probably why I'm more successful dealing with the men. Because I can talk to them. They can hear the logic, but they can hear the feminine language as well, too. Women don't want to learn a different language to talk to men. Doesn't mean you're manipulating. It's. If I know you receive something differently, I'm not going to give it to you in a way you're not going to receive it, then be mad because you didn't receive it that way.
- [49:13]
Unknown
It's like the love language.
- [49:13]
April Mason
Yeah.
- [49:14]
Unknown
Five love languages. You understand? You understand, then the other person's only. Yeah, I. I mean, I. I remembered being in a relationship and, you know, the relationship was several years. And my thing was I wasn't. I wasn't getting affection. And I was. I'm very vocal, so I was very vocal about, you know. You know, I'd really like to be, you know, have more affection because I felt like I was always the one who was initiating affection, and it wasn't always. It wasn't always reciprocated.
- [49:45]
Malcolm
So was it received at least?
- [49:47]
Unknown
I'm sorry, it wasn't always received.
- [49:49]
Malcolm
Ah, okay. It wasn't received.
- [49:52]
Unknown
And at some point, you know, once again, we had the conversation and I just kind of asked, you know, is affection not your thing? Like, like, what is it? She said, you know, that's just not. That's just not my thing. I'm just not an affectionate person. And. And it was probably. I don't know, she had said it before. So let's say this is the sixth or seventh time we're having this conversation. And she said, that's just not me. And for the first time, I heard it. And I heard it at a level where I realized, this isn't the relationship. This isn't the relationship I need to be in. Because if what I need is something that she just really cannot give to me, then this is not the place for me because there's always going to be that disparity.
- [50:41]
Malcolm
Yeah.
- [50:42]
April Mason
Yeah, I totally agree with that. You have to learn. You have to learn what people need from you. You know, people. I don't think we. We don't connect with people just because we connect with them because of how we feel when we are with you.
- [50:54]
Unknown
Yes, that's what. Yes.
- [50:56]
April Mason
And so if I don't feel like you want to be affectionate and love with you, then that means I have a decision to make. Because you're okay with this, right? I'm not, you know, so that. I totally agree with that.
- [51:07]
Unknown
And that's funny because I think we talk when we talk about. To your point, I love you. Yes, I love you. I love being around you. Really means I love the way I feel when I'm around you. Sometimes I love the way you make me feel. But whether you make me feel it or I feel it just from being caught up in your energy, I love who I am when I'm around you. And that's what I realized in other relationships. There were things going on and feelings that I was feeling that I realized I wasn't really liking myself when I was around this person. And it might not even have to do with. I don't even put the blame on that person. But just whatever it is, I don't like this feeling. I don't like who I am when I'm here versus my wife.
- [51:56]
April Mason
Right. There we go. That's all right.
- [51:59]
Unknown
What? What? And yes, I attribute you. I attribute a lot of that to her, but I'll also attribute it to this. Just the energy. The energy field that is around us when we're together. I love the way I feel when I'm around.
- [52:16]
Malcolm
Around her.
- [52:17]
Unknown
And so. And I think that's a barometer that we don't pay attention to. Because if you're with someone and you're feeling these feelings and you don't like the feelings, or you're, you're second guessing yourself all the time, or you don't necessarily like who you are when you're around that person, like those are all the signs that are all there but we don't pay attention to.
- [52:39]
April Mason
Right.
- [52:39]
Malcolm
But that barometer, it can change. So you know, when you're 20, way different than when you're 30, 40, 50, 60 is way different from when you're 20. So to pick someone that, that keeps that barometer all at the same point, I see a lot of people going into that rut of just being, becoming a different person and not understanding inside of the marriage how to make it work so that that barometer that you're talking about stays at the same place. That is a difficult process.
- [53:13]
April Mason
You know, I don't think it's as difficult if you get to know yourself and what your core needs are. My grandparents and my parents were married a long time and I got to see exactly what you're talking about. But the core of they were never changed. Now they may have had different tentacles. And you know, for five years, you know, he wanted to wear a bone in his ear. The other five years, he's wanted to be conservative. In the other five years, she wanted to be this. But the core of who they are does not change. And I believe the problem is we as humans do not know what we want at a core level and who we are. When I got my divorce after that, I said, okay, April, if you're going to get married again. Because I didn't want to get married until recently because I became an empty nester at 42. So I had kids early. So while everybody's out there at the HBCUs, where I wanted to be, I was raising children. And so once I hit 42, I said, okay, I don't wanna be anybody's wife right now. I wanna figure out who April is. And I'm so glad I did that because if I would have gotten married, I would've been divorced again because I still didn't know what my core was. So I believe that once I did that long list that we had, it dwindles to this because it becomes the core needs, not all of these wants. And I don't look at the 8020 rule the same way. They say, why give up 80% of what you want for 20%? Well, if my core and what I need is in the 20%. The 80 wants has to go, you know, And I believe people go after their wants and they try to make them conform into the 20%. And so I had to learn that. I was like, no, no, we have options. But no, this is not my core needs. My core needs and my core needs. When I realized it, it was only like maybe four or five things. It wasn't even like this long list of things. And I was like, wow. I wasn't taught that this part. I was taught to look for all of these things that you can find in a Cosmo magazine of what you're supposed to look for. But the more I got to know me, I realized I don't like nice guys. I despise nice men. I love kind men because nice people are only nice until they don't get what they want. Kindness is a part of your character and a part of your nature of who you are. And so I had to start realizing the words that I'm even using to describe what it is that I wanted. You know, I'm like, okay, loyalty is up there with oxygen to me. So I have to have loyalty. I have to have kindness. There has to be attraction. He doesn't have to be like, fine, but if he looks like spongebob and there's an attraction for me, I like him. So my list started to dwindle of all of these wants because I started to get to know me. But most people don't get to know who they are to know exactly what they want. I used to think that I wanted a budding entrepreneur like me and we could jet set and we could do.
- [55:55]
Unknown
You're a power couple.
- [55:56]
April Mason
Yeah, I'm good on that. Because I realized I like being the lady of the house and entertaining at home. I wasn't taught that. I was taught to go be a powerhouse. So the more I got to know me, I realized how the simplicities of who I am and what actually makes me happy. It makes me happy. Flying in town, going to brunch, breakfast at the Golden Corral with my grandkids. This morning, I was satisfied with that. But we are not spending enough time in isolation to get to know what we really want.
- [56:27]
Unknown
I spent so much of my life as a nice guy, right? And then being. And as a nice guy, being able to tell my nice guy stories about how nice guys get fucked over.
- [56:38]
Malcolm
Over.
- [56:38]
April Mason
Yeah.
- [56:38]
Unknown
And women don't appreciate nice guys. Yada, yada, yada. And I had someone tell me an elder tell Me, Malcolm, women don't want nice guys, they want good guys. And you know, I'd been in the. I'd been in a long term relationship before meeting my wife and I spent two years in between. No, actually I spent the two years after that like a man who had been in a long term relationship who was let loose. Yeah. But after, after that two year period, I went on a hiatus because I realized that I was, I realized that I needed to get clarity for myself on what I wanted so I could be clear with these women that I was, you know, hanging out with. I was giving, I was giving mixed messages.
- [57:31]
Malcolm
Messages.
- [57:32]
Unknown
So I needed to get clarity. So I needed to, I went on a hiatus from, you know, relationships, dating so I could find that clarity and, and figure it out. Because I used to be the, you know, I don't, I'm not really looking for a relationship, but all of my behavior was relationship.
- [57:51]
April Mason
What do you want about it? Confused. But I told you. But I told you.
- [57:55]
Unknown
But I had to get clarity for myself.
- [57:56]
April Mason
Yeah.
- [57:57]
Unknown
Because what it was, I was saying that as the buffer.
- [58:00]
April Mason
Yeah.
- [58:01]
Unknown
Right. And, and, and women don't listen to what you say. They listen to what you do.
- [58:07]
April Mason
Yes.
- [58:07]
Malcolm
Right.
- [58:08]
Unknown
So I'm getting mad because, but look, now that I'm getting mad, the, again, the excuse when, when, when everything would go to shit.
- [58:16]
April Mason
Yeah.
- [58:16]
Unknown
Be like, but I told you.
- [58:17]
April Mason
But I told you. Right, right. I told you.
- [58:20]
Unknown
But I was very clear. But I was very clear on, you know, when I got to the. But I told you. Yeah, I knew that it was. I was using that as a buffer and I was able to use that as part of my Nice Guy thing.
- [58:34]
April Mason
Yeah.
- [58:34]
Unknown
And then once I realized, you know what? That's not, that's actually not cool. Especially if you, if you kind of know it then. And because that was such a habit, I really had to take time to get rid of all of that and get clarity. And I guess at the end of the day I never would have used this word, but I guess now it makes sense. An identity switch. Yeah. Because I realized, well, no, that's not, that's not what I want to do. And I had. During that time, I put out my third record called Selfless. And the title track is a poem called Selfless. And it was really about. I'm tired of giving my heart in pieces. And I'm, I, I'm not going to go into this again until I'm ready to give my heart selflessly. I met my wife a month after I put that record.
- [59:28]
April Mason
Yes.
- [59:28]
Unknown
You know But I needed that. Just as you were saying, taking the time to really be still and go inward and really know who you are.
- [59:36]
April Mason
Yes.
- [59:37]
Unknown
So when you go back out there, you're. You're clear and you're firmed up on who you are and how you carry yourself and what. That energy.
- [59:46]
April Mason
Yes. And what you said, you met her a month later. So my daughter, after the debacle I told you about before we started rolling, she got clear. She got a piece of paper, she sat down. She wanted to change her palette. Cause I kept telling her, you gotta make an identity switch. You gotta change your palette of what you like. So she isolated for a little while, but it was only like, maybe 30 days, because I'm not fixing to sit here and sit in. Allow her to sit in crying for six months. Okay, I gave you this time. And she. So during that time, when she met the other guy, it had been like six months. But when it didn't work out, I said, all right, I'm gonna give you this little bit of time. I said, what do you want, Adriana? She said, huh? I said, what do you want? She said, well, mom, I want this, this, this, this. I said, how are you showing up to get that? And so she wrote it down. She got quiet. She would call, we talk probably three, four times a day. She got quiet. And I would only hear from her, like, maybe twice a week. And I knew what was going on, and I was letting her come through, come to her own understanding of who she is. She got back on the dating site. Ten days later, she met her now husband. Wow. And this year will be three years that they'll be married. And so it goes back to what you were saying about being intentional. When you get intentional about getting to know you, you can no longer blame other people for what they allow. What you allow. I always say it's not what you attract, it's what you entertain. And in this glass of water, there are good men, bad men, and different men. Good women, bad men, women, whatever. What you pull out of here is an indicator of where you are. Doesn't mean it doesn't exist. That's why when people say that the dating pool is trash, I don't see it that way. I see it as you are being the trash, but your mindset, you are pulling that up out of here. It's like, you know, you're being the.
- [61:30]
Malcolm
Magnet for that trash.
- [61:32]
April Mason
Yes. So that's how I see it. Because my be dating now, that's not my experience, you know, and my clients once they get to understanding that it's them. I'm like, it's like when you buy a car, you don't see that car until everybody, you know, once you get it, everybody else got it.
- [61:49]
Malcolm
That's right.
- [61:50]
April Mason
Wait a minute. I didn't know my neighbor had this car and my whole block got the same car. But you have to change, and most people aren't willing to change. But I think the dating pool is fantastic. And the reason why is I think this is the best time in history for men.
- [62:03]
Malcolm
Tell me why this is the first.
- [62:06]
April Mason
Time in history that men are being asked to be more than a penis, a paycheck and protection. Women have always looked, if you think about, like going back in the day, women had to marry out of survival. Sure, we don't have to do that anymore. Women are asking for more than just what men typically bring. Say they offer. Most of the men that I come across, they want to give me everything. And I'm like, okay, so what can you give me that money can't buy? They can never identify that. So I think this is the best time, especially for the men to scream about gold diggers. This is the best time for them to develop their intrinsic value so they're not just living off of. Well, well, I make six figures. Oh, well, men protect. Well, we out in the world by ourselves majority of the time. So you can't protect us 24 hours a day. Oh, well, you know, we'll, we, we help the, with the leadership leading. Where we going? What are you leading? You know, so this is, to me, it's the best time in history for men to be able to develop their intrinsic values. And this will help them pick better women. Because if you're saying all of these women just want money and they don't want a man that's a hardworking man, what do you have to offer outside of that? That's why I feel like it's the best time, you know, for men to. And honestly, I will say I believe the men are going to supersede the women in emotional intelligence.
- [63:27]
Malcolm
Listen, they're compelled right now. Right. They're developing themselves. Yes.
- [63:32]
April Mason
And see, within the last 10 years, it's been okay for men to go to therapy to talk about their emotions and their feelings. It's true. And even I'll be 50 in about 90 days. And I get the 30 to 39 year olds. I'm like, boy, what am I gonna do with you? I said, what do you want an older woman for? And listening at them talk to Articulate their emotions and their feelings, but yet they're not looking for a mother and listening at how they describe the women in their own age range. Men are rising up a lot faster than women. And I do this work every single day. And this is the first time that I've seen this. I'm like, okay, ladies, men are getting even. Ready to be even more picky. But it's not because they have money now. It's because they have emotional intelligence. They have intellectual maturity. They know how to articulate what they need from you. That has nothing to do with your domesticated abilities. Women aren't moving at the same pace in that way. They're moving at a pace of. Of I can take care of myself, the financial part of it and the education sector. But the men, they are moving at a high speed when it comes to learning about who they are. I was at a friend's 50th birthday party the other day, and Lamon Rucker was there, and Lamond and I, we always talk about the men's stuff. And I said, well, you know. You know, I got a new book coming out for men called His Invisible Value, what Masculine Men Bring to the Table. I said, how do you get. Before I said that? I said, do men come to your events? He says, april, we get about 800 men that show up. I said, really? He said, yeah, we got to do something. Because I see him going city to city. But I knew men weren't always showing up back when I was doing things in the past. Now, when it comes to learning about how they are working from an emotional place, the men are showing up. The women are showing up to empowerment conferences.
- [65:21]
Malcolm
Right, right, right.
- [65:23]
April Mason
But the men aren't. They. They. They gonna go. The men are gonna go get the money, but here.
- [65:29]
Malcolm
Yeah.
- [65:29]
April Mason
It's different. So they're. They're gonna do it.
- [65:32]
Unknown
And women have to. Have to learn to deal with that. Like.
- [65:35]
April Mason
Yes.
- [65:35]
Unknown
There's a. You know, one of the issues we have with women is when you show vulnerability. Right. When you show any kind of sensitivity.
- [65:44]
Malcolm
Yeah.
- [65:44]
Unknown
Then women look at that as weakness.
- [65:47]
April Mason
Yeah.
- [65:48]
Unknown
And we, as men, we need. We need a partner with whom. Because we gotta be. You know, we gotta wear the uniform and wear the mask out in the world.
- [65:59]
April Mason
Yeah.
- [65:59]
Unknown
And if I can't come home and be vulnerable to my wife, if I don't even have that outlet, then you're not enriching my life at all. Because if I've gotta keep this all in for the world and I gotta come home and keep it all in.
- [66:19]
Malcolm
Like I, I, you explode.
- [66:22]
Unknown
Yeah. So. Yeah. So women, I think so. Women have to get to a point where they've got to do some growing and some expanding to understand that vulnerability is a huge part of masculinity.
- [66:35]
April Mason
Yes. You know, I call it. Women get caught up in you guys as Superman, but they don't want to deal with Clark Kent, you know, and most and women go after powerful men. Oh, I want him to have a platform and all of the things that I hear. I said, but you do know that Superman is only like 5% of the time. He's typically Clark Kent on a regular basis. Can you respect Clark Kent the same way you can respect Superman when the spotlight is on him?
- [67:01]
Malcolm
Right.
- [67:02]
April Mason
A lot of them, they can't. I have one client and he was amazing guy. And I was like, why don't you have a woman? What's the problem? And I figured it out. We were at an event, he was performing and he's just one of them sexy singers. And I'm looking and I'm paying attention to how the women are responding. And I figured out you don't show who your real self. Right. He said, I can't. And I said, why? He said, I feel like I am in a costume. And because he's very well known, people stare every time he's out, but behind closed doors he calls himself a nerd. He would be considered a woman would consider him a weirdo. Right. And I said, but why don't you show that? Why do you keep giving them sexy R and B? And that's you don't live in sexy R and B. And I went to one of his events and all of my clients, I go into their environment to be able to assess them. And I watched him get on stage and turn into America's sex symbol. I watched him get off stage and get to the green room and he was that 15 year old boy once again. Wow. And I said, okay. I figured I out why he has a hard time getting a woman. And then after that he said, well, you know, I want you to come see the house. We get to the house, you know what he pulled out? Have you ever been to one of those spas and they have you put your feet in the water and it takes all of the toxins out. He pulled that out. Most women for who he is would not. They would, that would be, oh, girl, he's a weirdo, girl. He over here detoxing my feet. You know, it would be that he's afraid to show that part and most of the men that I've worked with, that's how they are, what the world sees them. Whether they are on TV or whether they work a regular corporate job, what the world sees is what they show. But when they're behind closed doors, it's like I always say, if you heal the little boy in him, the man you want will show up.
- [68:52]
Unknown
Man.
- [68:54]
April Mason
But women don't go in looking for the little boy, you know, they go in looking for what you can get. Me being out dating now, I go in looking for your wound first to see if I can handle that. Because none of us are going to be perfect, right?
- [69:09]
Malcolm
You know, I was going to be.
- [69:10]
April Mason
Something, it's going to be something. So I go in looking, okay, let me figure out what his little boy is to see if it's going to be draining to me or if it, or what I carry. It's enough to assist in the healing process. I don't go and look in that, can he buy me a car? I have those things. But who you are going to show up to me as is going to be the work. And he has to do the same with me. Because I know my stuff. I list my stuff always. I'm like, listen, I can be a brat, you know, when I need to see you, I need to see you. And I might need. Then I might not need to see you for two days. Like I can articulate what my triggers are and be able to have those conversations. But a lot of women, they don't even have his wounds on their list because it's, what can you do for me? He should already be healed when he meets me and. And none of us are. It doesn't matter how many books you read, how many courses you take, how many conferences you go to. You won't know how you're going to respond to good love until you're actually in it. And it's a trigger.
- [70:12]
Unknown
And they're normally, they're still the little girl.
- [70:15]
Malcolm
Yes, that's right.
- [70:15]
Unknown
Looking for Mr. Right.
- [70:16]
Malcolm
That's right, exactly.
- [70:17]
April Mason
But nobody wants to deal with anybody's ish. And it's not that nobody was going to be exempt of it. It's gotta find somebody whose ish you can handle. That's it.
- [70:28]
Unknown
Hey, comrades. Come join us on our Patreon page.
- [70:31]
Malcolm
Ah. Where you can get behind the scenes footage, discounts on merchandise and exclusive content.
- [70:36]
Unknown
We'll see you there.