Podcast Summary

Podcast: Not All Hood (NAH) with Malcolm-Jamal Warner & Candace Kelley
Episode: The Toxic 10: Why You Attract What You Don’t Want (And How to Stop It)
Guests: Dr. Joseph McClendon III (Neuropsychologist, Author)
Date: September 11, 2025

Episode Overview

This episode centers on why people often attract the very outcomes, behaviors, or relationships they don't want in their lives and how to effectively break these patterns. Dr. Joseph McClendon III shares insights from his neuroscience and psychology background, discussing “The Toxic 10”—a set of mental and emotional traps that sabotage success and happiness. The conversation navigates practical steps to “retrain” the brain, build optimism, and foster self-awareness, particularly within the context of Black American experiences.

Key Themes & Discussion Points

1. Letting Go and Ego (03:10 – 06:15)

• Letting Go: Joseph explains that being unable to help those closest is often about ego:

  “I’m not always the person to give that lesson... I gotta get my ego out of it.” (03:29)

• Reframing: Progress comes when we recognize letting go is a form of maturity; the quicker we can “snap out” of ego, the healthier our relationships and self-perception become.

2. The Art of Reframing & Pattern Interruption (06:00 – 08:45)

• Pre-framing and Reframing: It’s vital to build a toolbox—pre-frame, reframe, deframe—for processing situations and shifting emotions.
• Connection = Lowered Defenses: Effective communication starts with establishing connection and empathy:

  "Let them know that you love them...that you’re coming from a place of love... it lowers their guard." (06:15 – 07:11)

• Fearless vs. Fear Less:

  “There are no fearless people. There are people who fear less... the amount of time you spend in that fear mode is what changes.” (07:19 – 08:40)

3. Addressing Deep Trauma & “Feel-Felt-Found” (08:45 – 11:59)

• Extreme Circumstances: Dr. McClendon warns against “explaining away” someone’s hardships; instead, he advocates authentic compassion and asking the affected person to teach you about their experience.
• “Feel, Felt, Found” Technique:

  “I understand how you feel. A lot of people felt that way... Here’s what we found: there is a way.” (10:32 – 11:59)

• Optimism Redefined:

  “Optimism means optically—you see more options.” (11:58)

4. Breaking Focus on What You Don’t Want (12:00 – 19:29)

• Why We Attract Negativity:

  "Wherever you look is where you're going to go...even if their brain is going 'don't hit the pole,' it's going, 'pole, pole, pole.'" (15:11 – 15:32)

• Example: The “telephone pole” story and motorcycle/pothole analogy (17:24) anchor the idea that focusing on what you don’t want magnetizes that very thing.
• Neuroencoding: Dr. McClendon introduces the principle of neuroencoding—training your body and brain to default to options and solutions, not problems. (20:12)

5. Introducing “The Toxic 10” (22:20 – 23:32)

• The List (22:22 – 23:32):
  1. Procrastination
  2. Hesitation
  3. Fear of Failure
  4. Fear of Success
  5. Self-Doubt
  6. Self-Loathing
  7. Imposter Syndrome
  8. Stress
  9. Overwhelm
  10. Fear of Rejection
• Insight: “They are the thieves of our dreams.” (22:31)
• Interactive Segment: Listeners are encouraged to identify which Toxic 10 affect them most.

6. Facing Self-Awareness and the Trap of Justification (24:04 – 29:33)

• Self-Realization: The conversation explores how even the most self-aware, competent people still experience the Toxic 10—what matters is how fast you move through them.
• Quote:

  “When the doors close and we're by ourselves, we have a different conversation than we do in public.” (29:14 – 29:33)

7. Overcoming the Toxic 10: Strategy and Speed (30:44 – 37:54)

• Not Erasing, But Moving Through Fear:

  “Fear is not designed to be gotten rid of... the goal is to default to snapping out of that fear into something else.” (30:42 – 32:17)

• Personal Example: Joseph’s account of jealousy after buying his dream house and quickly reframing his perspective:

  “I defaulted to laughter... I realized I don’t need, nor do I want, a big house like that.” (32:55 – 33:22)

• Actionable Takeaway: The benefit isn’t in staying stuck, but in “snapping out of it and going to something else.” (33:22)

8. Each Toxic Has an Antidote (40:47 – 43:05)

• Antithesis Approach:

  “All of those toxic 10 also have a complete opposite...procrastination is action.” (40:54 – 41:04)

• Joy as a Tool: Joseph demonstrates (scientifically) that simply smiling signals the brain to produce dopamine and endorphins:

  “You cannot feel bad with a smile on your face. Start there.” (43:19 – 43:35)

9. Dr. McClendon’s Own Journey & the Power of Suggestion (44:16 – 47:53)

• Personal Trauma: Joseph describes a racially motivated attack at age 17 and how negative suggestion (“you’re worthless”) became embedded in his identity.
• Turning Point:

  “Somebody that I didn’t know...gave me the book Think and Grow Rich. I read the book and…I immediately started...programming my brain to think in possibilities and options, but I did, and that changed [everything].” (44:27 – 47:53)

10. Tools: From Paralysis to Action (48:14 – 50:43)

• Paralysis of Analysis:

  “For me, I can get paralysis of analysis...Joseph has helped me learn to take action much quicker than just sitting around and overthinking.” (49:00 – 50:43)

• Acting Analogy: Malcolm relates acting (“What do I want in this scene?”) to real life—understanding the true motivation behind actions.

11. Control What You Can—Especially in Audition/Performance (52:58 – 55:20)

• Malcolm’s Practice:

  “I can’t control if I’m going to get this job, but I can control what I’m going to bring them.” (53:04 – 54:01)

• Perspective Shift: Auditioning as helping to solve a problem, not pleading for acceptance.

12. The Currency of Trauma (56:35 – 59:00)

• Observing Social Behavior: There’s “currency” in sharing trauma for sympathy (e.g., reality shows), but bringing that energy into opportunity spaces can sabotage performance.

13. Identifying and Responding to Others’ Toxicity (60:11 – 65:32)

• Spotting Toxicity: Language reveals which of the Toxic 10 dominates, but it’s never just one.
• Coaching vs. Judging:

  “I embrace it...love them, just love them in the moment. That’s what they’re looking for.” (60:58 – 62:48)

• Building Discernment: Sensory acuity, watching for nonverbal cues, and remaining compassionate are keys.

14. The Inner Work—Developing Real Discernment (70:25 – 78:14)

• Listening to Yourself:

  “The importance of being still, going inward…not just discernment when you’re looking at other people, but discerning what’s happening within yourself.” (73:13 – 74:07)

• Learning to Trust Your Gut:

  “If you ask anybody who’s been in a fucked up relationship...did you see the sign and ignore it? Yes.” (70:49 – 71:02)

15. Navigating Fame, Masking, and Authenticity (75:56 – 80:26)

• Public Personas: Interactions are often with people’s “masks,” not their authentic selves.
• Strategy:

  “I love you, but, you know, stay there... it kind of ends the conversation because then I’m not having to deal with that frenetic energy.” (81:09 – 81:18)

16. Romantic Relationships and Values (81:33 – 84:15)

• Attraction Filters: Kindness, gratitude, joy, and a passion for helping others are the first attributes Dr. McClendon seeks.
• Lessons from the Past:

  “I had those tools, but not at the level I have now... I overlooked some things that as I look back, I definitely would’ve done things different.” (83:44 – 84:11)

17. About “Make It Matter”—Coaching vs. Therapy (84:25 – 90:14)

• Community & Coaching: Malcolm and Joseph explain their monthly interactive coaching membership, Make It Matter, which teaches tools to overcome the Toxic 10 and other self-limiting behaviors.
• Customization:

  “What we do is not a one-size-fits-all...in the Q and A, we show people how this particular tool will work for their particular situation.” (86:58 – 87:17)

• Final Insight:

  “Those who dare to dream while the world is having a nightmare...not only create abundance for themselves, but become shining examples of what is possible.” (87:17 – 88:20)

Notable Quotes

• On Fear and Reframing:

  “There are no fearless people. There are people who fear less.” — Joseph McClendon III (07:19)
  “Wherever you look is where you’re going to go.” — Joseph McClendon III (15:11)

• On the Power of Options:

  “Optimism means what the word says—optically. You see more options.” — Joseph McClendon III (11:58)

• On Self-Sabotage:

  “When people focus on what they don’t want, that’s why they end up with the very thing they don’t want.” — Malcolm (14:09)

• On Courage and the Toxic 10:

  “The difference is...I spend less time in it. The goal is to default to snapping out of that fear into something else.” — Joseph McClendon III (30:42 – 32:17)

• On Discernment:

  “The importance of being still, going inward…not just discernment when you’re looking at other people, but discerning what’s happening within yourself.” — Malcolm (73:13 – 74:07)

• On Giving Back:

  “Those of us that dare to dream while the rest of the world is having a nightmare, we’re not only going to create the abundance that we want for our own lives...we’re also going to be shining examples of what is possible for other people.” — Joseph McClendon III (87:17 – 88:20)

Timestamps for Key Segments

• Letting Go and Ego: 03:10 – 06:15
• Pre-framing & Connection: 06:00 – 08:45
• Feel-Felt-Found & Deep Trauma: 08:45 – 11:59
• Telephone Pole/Focus Story: 14:23 – 17:24
• Introducing the Toxic 10: 22:20 – 23:32
• Rapid Fire Toxic 10 Test: 23:32 – 24:11
• Moving Through the Toxic 10: 30:44 – 37:54
• Smiling as a Tool: 43:05 – 43:35
• Personal Trauma & Transformation: 44:16 – 47:53
• From Paralysis of Analysis to Action: 48:14 – 50:43
• Malcolm on Auditioning: 52:58 – 55:20
• Identifying Toxicity in Others: 60:11 – 65:32
• Discernment Within: 70:25 – 78:14
• Healthy Relationships & Kindness: 81:33 – 84:15
• Explaining Make It Matter: 84:25 – 90:14

Episode Takeaways

• Awareness of the Toxic 10 can help explain life’s repeated negative patterns—especially when we focus on what we don’t want.
• The most powerful tool for change is not eliminating fear or negative habits entirely, but shortening the time we spend in them (“snapping out of it”).
• Compassion, connection, and self-knowledge are necessary both to reframe our own experience and to help (or discern) others.
• All change starts with self-honesty—public masks are dropped in private reflection.
• Coaching, mentorship, and community offer powerful support for transforming old patterns, but personal action is essential.

For more on the “Make It Matter” program, visit the hosts’ website or see the episode description for links.