'F*** Approval, You Don’t Need It!' makes the case against ‘people pleasers’

Summary

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NPR's Book of the Day:

‘F*** Approval, You Don’t Need It!’ Makes the Case Against ‘People Pleasers’

Date: October 2, 2025
Host: Chloe Veltman (NPR)
Guest: Lizzie Molt (Scottish therapist, author)

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Episode Overview

This episode centers on the pervasive issue of people pleasing—why so many of us struggle to say “no,” how this behavior forms, the toll it can take on mental health and relationships, and practical advice on how to break the cycle. Scottish therapist Lizzie Molt discusses her new book F** Approval, You Don’t Need It*, offering both personal anecdotes and actionable strategies for “people pleasers” to reclaim their sense of agency and well-being.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Why Do People Please Others?

• Formed in Early Childhood:
  • The pattern begins as early as age 1-2, where positive reinforcement from parents and caretakers teaches children to associate pleasing others with approval and reward.
  • “You start picking up these, like, messages of, like, if I do something right, I’m going to get the response from the people around me. And when we want a positive response, we do more of that because we love seeing other people happy.”
    — Lizzie Molt [02:10]
• Evolves into Protection:
  • As adults, people pleasing becomes a tactic for avoiding discomfort and confrontation.
  • “We use people pleasing to, I guess, not experience anything difficult… we don’t like confrontation… the feeling of being uncomfortable and upsetting somebody is our greatest fear.”
    — Lizzie Molt [02:10-03:05]

2. Examples and Signs of People Pleasing

• Common Scenarios:
  • Always agreeing to help others, even at your own expense (e.g., helping a friend move instead of going to the beach).
  • Overworking, never declining extra shifts, covering for others’ absences.
  • Concealing one’s real feelings and always insisting “everything is fine.”
  • “I’d always say yes to the extra shift… could never take a sick day. That’s a really good sign of a people pleaser.”
    — Lizzie Molt [03:36]

3. Personal Journey

• Molt shares a pivotal moment: organizing a large women’s event, she realized she hadn’t scheduled time in the program for herself, putting everyone else first.
  • “I had left no room for me to even present at my own, like, event. I was like, are you kidding me? Why would I do that to myself?”
    — Lizzie Molt [04:22]

4. Consequences for Mental Health and Relationships

• Suppressed Truths:
  • Avoiding self-expression leads to frustration and resentment.
  • “You’re hiding a lot of your own truth because you’re too scared to express it… if I didn’t share that with my partner, I’m then starting to become frustrated and resentful.”
    — Lizzie Molt [05:09]
• Loss of Identity:
  • “You can’t admit your own truth.”
    — Lizzie Molt [05:49]

5. Breaking the Habit: Practical Steps

• Step 1: Awareness (Five Minutes of Mindfulness):

  • “People pleasers are super vigilant… constantly reading, assuming, and guessing what other people are doing… What people pleasers don’t have is the ability to experience their own full scope of emotions, body's reactions and things.”
    — Lizzie Molt [06:04]
  • Practice: Take 5 undistracted minutes daily to check in with yourself—notice your feelings, physical state, reactions.

• Step 2: Reassess Childhood Beliefs

  • Challenge ingrained ideas like needing to finish your plate to be a “good” person.
  • “Because when I was a kid, my parents were like, you have to eat everything. And so when I did, it pleased them… as an adult, I have to reassess those beliefs.”
    — Lizzie Molt [07:41–08:13]

6. Dealing With ‘Boundary Vampires’

• Pushback Is Inevitable:
  • When you start saying no, expect some resistance, especially from those used to your compliance.
  • “Boundary vampires, they exist. Wow. So these are the people who don’t take no for an answer.”
    — Lizzie Molt [08:55]
• Toolkit: The One-Liner Response
  • Stick to a simple line: “I can’t, I’m off to the beach.”
  • Avoid over-explaining; repeat as needed.
  • “Using that classic one liner can help the boundary vampires because they don’t want to hear your truth over and over again… there’s an adjustment period.”
    — Lizzie Molt [08:55–09:31]

7. The Positive Impact of Asserting Yourself

• Building Confidence and Self-Trust:
  • Taking time for yourself, even in small ways, boosts self-worth and fulfillment.
  • “You’re showing up for yourself and it brings more self confidence and… filters into every single area of your life… When we end people pleasing, we [don’t] become selfish. It’s actually about fulfilling some of the things that we need to do as humans to thrive.”
    — Lizzie Molt [09:58]

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “The title [‘F** Approval, You Don’t Need It!’] always makes me smile. Every time I’m like, yeah, I just did say that.”*
  — Lizzie Molt [01:59]
• “Boundary vampires, they exist. Wow.”
  — Lizzie Molt [08:55]
• “We’re just waiting for the smile. We’re waiting for the yes, we’re waiting for their reaction, not listening to our own.”
  — Lizzie Molt [07:13]
• Host Peter O’Dowd’s tongue-in-cheek close:
  “I don’t need approval. You don’t need approval. Nobody needs approval. Thanks for reminding us, Lizzie.” [10:39]

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Key Timestamps

• [02:10] — How childhood teaches us to please others
• [03:36] — Ongoing adult examples and personal anecdotes
• [04:22] — Lizzie’s eye-opening experience organizing an event
• [05:09] — Consequences for mental health and relationships
• [06:04] — Introduction to mindfulness and self-awareness practice
• [08:55] — Coping with “boundary vampires” and pushback
• [09:58] — The rewards of self-assertion

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Conclusion

Lizzie Molt’s practical and compassionate guidance reframes people pleasing as a survival habit wired from childhood—but one we can challenge. Through mindfulness, reevaluating old beliefs, and employing firm boundaries, Molt empowers listeners to prioritize their own needs. The episode is both a candid look at the difficulties of breaking free from approval-seeking—and an uplifting call to embrace authenticity.

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Transcript

[A]

Hi there, this is book of the Day. I'm Chloe Veltman. We've all been there doing something for a friend, colleague or family member just to be nice when you're really not feeling it. In her new non fiction book F Approval, you don't need it. Scottish therapist Lizzie Maltz says you know what to this way of moving through the world. In this interview with Peter O', Dowd, host of WBUR's Here and Now, Malt shares tips and tricks for how to become more intentional and genuine in responding to others desires requests. My personal favorite can't help you because I'm off to the beach.

[B]

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[D]

Here's a hypothetical situation that might sound familiar. Let's say you have a friend who's moving and he asks you for help on a Saturday morning when you have plans to do something that you've really been looking forward to but you don't want to hurt your friend's feelings. So you say, yeah, sure, I can help. Why did you do that? Well, you might be a people pleaser and your urge to make people happy could be making you sick. Lizzie Molt is a therapist based in Scotland. She was a people pleaser. Her upcoming book is called F Approval. You don't need it. Lizzy, welcome.

[E]

Hi, how are you?

[D]

I'm doing well. I love the title of your book because I feel like no matter how this interview goes, it's going to be fine. Who cares what people think?

[E]

It always makes me smile. The title, every time I'm like, yeah, I just did say that.

[D]

Yeah. So look Lizzy, why do people pleasers say yes when they want to say no?

[E]

So why we do it is go back to like when you're a super little kid. So probably around the 1 1/2 2 year old mark, you start learning to eat, say at the table. If you're with your family, you know, maybe mum and dad are like, yeah, go pick up the spoon, you know, get the food in your mouth and they're applauding you. You start picking up these, like, messages of, like, if I do something right, I'm going to get the response from the people around me. And when we want a positive response, we do more of that because we love seeing other people happy. Now, as we get older, we start using people pleasing as a form of protection. We use people pleasing to, I guess, not experience anything difficult. No one likes to be uncomfortable. We don't like confrontation. You know, the feeling of being uncomfortable and upsetting somebody is our greatest fear. We will do the thing to make them happy. So that yes to, like, your friend moving. When you've really, really been like, I wanted to go to the beach, or whatever it was, you say yes. Because the fear of doing it and letting that person down is far greater. Because that's the thing. You're looking at them, you're not looking at you anymore.

[D]

So I use the example of helping a friend move when you want to go to the beach. What are some other signs or examples?

[E]

Generally, it's saying yes to a lot of things that you don't want to do. So I'm an overworker. Like, when I was in my 20s, I'd always say yes to the extra shift. I'd always say yes to covering someone who was off sick because I couldn't let my boss down. Like, could never take a sick day. That's a really good sign of a people pleaser. Generally, people pleasers don't like to share what's actually happening. So no matter how they're feeling, they're always fine. They're always good. Everything is fine because they're not, like, listening to themselves.

[D]

So you just use this example from your own life. I'm curious what your journey with this has been like. You know, was there one moment or a series of moments where you realized, oh, gosh, I need to stop doing this?

[E]

The biggest one, one was I was running an event for. I was putting on this big thing for, like, 100 women. And I had all these speakers lined up. And I came down to the day, like, right, I'm gonna do the timetable. I'm gonna, like, map it all out. And I'd realized that I had left no room for me to even present at my own, like, event. I was like, are you kidding me? Why would I do that to myself? Because I was putting everyone else first. These were friends I knew and, you know, just thought, like, it would be really great if all these extra people came in on board, when in fact, I didn't need to.

[D]

So let's talk about how that situation, putting other people's needs above your own, what does that do to your mental health, to your relationships?

[E]

So in relationships quite often you're hiding a lot of your own truth because you're too scared to express it. You don't want to actually share that. Oh, it'd be really nice to go to the beach today because it's going to be a nice sunny day and I live in Scotland, so for those who've ever been to Scotland, it rains a whole bunch. So not to share that when you can. Yeah, you really have to. If I didn't share that with my partner, you know, I'm then starting to become frustrated and resentful because I feel like I can't share my own truth.

[D]

As such that your own identity in a way is not shining through. Yeah, no, yeah.

[E]

You can't admit your own truth.

[D]

So let's talk about how to stop people pleasing then. You have 11 steps and we just don't have time to get to all of them. But what's one thing, the first thing someone can do if they start to recognize this in themselves?

[E]

The first thing I say to every people pleaser is that we need to turn the table around on your awareness. People pleasers are super vigilant. They are constantly, constantly reading, assuming and guessing what other people are doing. What people pleasers don't have is the ability to actually experience their own full scope of emotions, body's reactions and things. You just don't take notice of it. So what I get people to do is I call it like five minutes of mindfulness. To sit somewhere where they have no distractions, no phone, no nothing, and just sit there. Now it's probably one of the most hardest things you can do because it's so not normal. We live in such a busy world. So to sit for five minutes in our own self is difficult. But in that you get to then learn like, oh, how am I actually feeling? How am I responding to the weather today? How am I responding to what I'm just thinking about? Because when we're people pleasing, we don't even consider that. We're just like, oh, we're just waiting for the smile. We're waiting for the yes, we're waiting for their reaction, not listening to our own.

[D]

But this all seems really difficult to do. You started earlier in the conversation. You said that it starts when, you know, when we're babies and our parents are feeding us, you know, so these are, these are deep, entrenched Habits, how do you start to etch away at that?

[E]

Well, that's sitting with yourself for five minutes is a really good start. The reason being is it teaches you about yourself. So yes, that's a part of it. But then if you wanted to scratch this like the next layer off, it's going back to those beliefs that we have. So, for example, okay, so if I eat everything on my plate, I am a good human. Say for example, because when I was a kid, my parents were like, you have to eat everything. And so when I did, it pleased them.

[D]

Right.

[E]

So me as an adult, I have to reassess those beliefs of do I actually need to clear everything off my plate in order to be finished, to be full, to be what? Because they're no longer making the rules for my life. You know, you have to assess each belief that you have.

[D]

Here's another reason I think this might be difficult. Because if you've been someone who always says yes throughout your life, what happens when you start to say no? I'm wondering if the people in your life are starting to wonder, well, who is this person? You know, I want to say yes.

[E]

Yeah. Boundary vampires, they exist. Wow. So these are the people who don't take no for an answer. One of the best tricks I give to everybody is to get a one liner and to stick to it. So again, example, friend asks you to go to the help the move's house and your response should actually be, I can't, I'm off to the beach. So you could negotiate from there. So using that classic one liner can help the boundary vampires because they don't want to hear your truth over and over again because they just want you to hurry up and say yes because that's what you're, they're used to you doing. So there's an adjustment period and it does take time with some relationships where you start asserting your own beliefs and your own truth as such.

[D]

And what happens in someone's life when they start to do that, when they assert their own beliefs and their own identity, like, what does that do for you?

[E]

I think it opens up endless possibilities. So if you finally decide that you, I don't know, want to go to a yoga class and that's your new weekly ritual or whatever it is, you're showing up for yourself and it brings more self confidence and then that filters into like every single area of your life because you're just giving yourself that one little thing. But then it slowly becomes more of those things. And it's not that, you know, when we end people pleasing, we become selfish. It's actually about fulfilling some of the things that we need to do as humans to thrive. That could be self care. It could be like a project. It could be anything.

[D]

Yeah, well, Lizzie Molt, author of the upcoming book F Approval, you don't need it. Thank you very much. I don't need approval. You don't need approval. Nobody needs approval. Thanks for reminding us, Lizzie. Appreciate it.

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