Benito James Acaster (0:00)

Benito James Acaster here. I forgot to record an advert for my new special Heckler's welcome which is going to be on Sky Now TV and hbo. Max, it's on all of those like right now. I'm very proud of it. Can you put this at the beginning of the next episode so that people know the special is out, please? Because I'd like them. I'd like them to know. Okay. I hope you're having a good day, Benito. Bye now. AT T Mobile get four 5G phones on us and four lines for 25 a line per month when you switch with eligible trade ins. All on America's largest 5G network. Minimum of 4 lines for 25 per line per month with auto pay discount using debit or bank account, $5 more per line without auto pay plus taxes and fees and 10 device connection charge phones via 24 monthly bill credits for well qualified customers. Contact us before canceling entire account to continue build credits or credit stop and balance on a required finance Agree bill credits end if you pay off devices early. 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That's H Y-R-O-W.com code row well, weren't expecting to see us, were you? Yappa dabba doo. We couldn't do the best of episodes and not include any of the 15 live episodes we put out this year. We took off menu on tour in 2023 and released all of the episodes for you to hear. This year the shows were largely absolute chaos. Congratulations on those live shows. Congratulations on the live shares to yourself. They really were live shares. So it's the end of the year guys. Some guests were absolutely at it right from the get go. Let's hear from Frankie Boyle, Jamelia Amelia de Moldenberg and Sam Campbell. Are you a foodie, Frankie? Do you like food? I love food and I think about little else but food. But I wouldn't really call myself a foodie because I think to be a foodie you have to enjoy finer delicacies. I have quite plain tastes, you know, I can't eat something like oysters, which is basically just licking cum off the back of a tortoise. You know, somehow that doesn't put me on foisters. If I went to a really fancy restaurant, if I went to like Noma in Copenhagen, like, like they're doing wild stuff and they brought me out a tortoise and they went, come on the back of that. I'd go, yeah, give it a go. You'd be like there will be. I don't know why we've gone so low swearly and I'd say we is it the tortoises come or has another animal taste it and see Ginny? Be very impressive. A tortoise could come on their own back. It's also the texture of an oyster, isn't it? You don't unless your favorite texture is a corpse's clitoris. But there are other foods I like. What a way to find out that's my favorite texture. It's probably the best way to find that out. We always start with Still a sparkling board. Still sparkling water. Thank you. What are you gonna compare these to? Are we really moving straight into stilling sparkling water? Are you now just terrified and you're gonna huckle me off? Huckle means to move someone. I do actually need to be told this. I have no idea what that'd be. There's sort of like. There are some Scottish expressions that there aren't any real translation for someone being at it. Do you know what I mean? You can't really explain to an English person what that is without, like, Captain Tom's family are at it. No idea. Obviously know who Captain Tom is. Yeah. But you know his family are at it, right? Never knew his family were at it. Yeah. If. If they were on now, we'd huckle them off for sure. What are you doing, James? Huh? What are you doing? Yeah, sorry. Thank you. We do not want James here. We need the genie here. Everyone, imagine. Imagine you're rubbing. Welcome, Jamelia, to the Dream Festival. We've really spent you for some time. Thank you. That's a big. That's a big entrance to follow up. It was a bit rubbish for me because I could see him crouching down. Sorry, that didn't happen. That never happened. Jamelia's lion. We've got a lion on the pod. It's a real shame. That would be. That would be a terrible genie. If you got a lamp and you opened it up and you could see him just in there like that, that would be less magical, wouldn't it? Yeah, that's quite demeaning for the poor genie, actually. That's why you should rub it first. Jamelia just did a face that suggested. What sort of podcast have I come on? The best podcast in the nation. Yeah. One off. Sorry, sorry. We got Slam Eliad. We got Jam Slammed early doors. Somebody know we were jamming and slamming tonight. Don't you apologize, Jamelia. That is the perfect response to that. Yeah, you got us, man. What are the other good podcasts you got any favorites? I mean, we don't normally do shout outs to the podcast. The only podcast I listen to is the off menu podcast. And judging by the chat we had before you came out here, you listened to it for the first time in the car on the way. No, I said I was. I was like, doing research. I wanted to make sure. Because you usually have comedians on. So I was like, oh, what could be a funny answer to that? But now I'm just going to answer honestly. You don't need to think of a funny answer. You've Come straight out here and slammed us into hell. You've got this, Jamelia. Also, you're a fan of our work in general, aren't you, Jamila? You saw us on tv. You were saying to us backstage, and then you said, actually, no, I'll save it for when we're on stage. But you were going to compliment us, I think. I feel like we're starting off on the wrong foot now. So basically what I told them in the dressing room was that I watched them on Hunted and I was very annoyed because they weren't playing the game properly. They were messing about. That was Jameelia first words to us was, I saw you on Celebrity Hunted and we were like, here we go. She went, I actually found you quite annoying. I really did. But I was really excited when I got asked to do this. I was like, oh, okay, that should be fun, because you are funny. So I thought. And I like to laugh. So I'm like, shall I go home? Oh, my God. What was it on. Sorry to dwell on this. What was it that we did on Celebrity Hunter that you found particularly annoying? We tried our best on that. I just don't think you did. You just kept doing, like, silly things, like letting everyone see where you were, telling people where you were, like, you're supposed to be hiding. It's like a hide and seek. But you were like, we're here. It's the last thing they'll expect. Yeah. They're trying to catch you. If you keep saying, here we are, we're here, and showing them your face, they're gonna go, it can't be that easy, and they leave you alone. That was our thinking. Yeah. And then you shot them with wee. No, no, I shot them with water, but I told them it was piss. Oh, okay. More mind games, Jamila. You gotta do this when you're on the run, okay? And what we found is the best way to live your life is to anger ex cops and military men by telling them that you're spraying them with piss. Because then they really rough you up quite a lot, so you don't even get the pleasure of actually shooting them with piss and you still get beaten up. Yeah. They didn't like us at all when we did that to them, to be fair. But in general, I thought we did really well on Hunted. Okay. We were in Birmingham for Hunted. Yeah. Came straight. We came straight to. Straight here. Yeah, Straight here, yes. Because I remember I recognized where you were. Yeah. I was like, in that town. Because you were in town. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe that's not good if people can recognize where we are hearing that out loud. We came and we got. We instantly got Tiger Bites, Pig Bow Buns on the Run. That was our first. Well, it wasn't our first food on the Run. We immediately went to a Michelin starred restaurant. I had a. That was intrusive, but we did quite a lot before Tiger Black Smoke. Yes. Again, we're not there now. And then we went to Birmingham. You threw your shoes out the window on the way there. I had to give you a piggyback through some of Birmingham streets because it was covered in glass and needles. Was that Broad Street? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then James bought a wig. Bright pink wig. Yeah. Yes, yeah. Which bear in mind, Jamelia, I don't normally have bright pink hair. Can you see why I was annoyed? What would you do if you were. If you were on the run and you were being hunted? What would you think? What would be your first course of action, you reckon? Well, obviously, like, I wouldn't use any cards, I wouldn't use my social media. I wouldn't, like, turn up at a famous restaurant. Sorry, I'm not shading you, but like, I just wouldn't do everything that you guys did. So we served a purpose, in a way for. Yeah, I guess so, yeah. You foodie. Are you a foodie? Is this going well or really bad? I'm not sure. It's got. Every time you say anything, everyone pisses themselves laughing. So I think it's going well. And it's at our expense as well. So from our perspective, we feel like shit. But you're really bringing it. I'm loving it, Jamina. This is how most people treat me all the time. It feels great. I'm sorry, because I'm really excited to be here. We're very excited to have you. Yes, we are. Very now. Especially with this backdrop. It's wicked. The set's mad, isn't it? Yeah, it feels unnecessary. Once, once we sat down to have a chat with you, it just. Yeah, it does not feel necessary at all, does it? What was the vibe that you told the designers? Yeah, here she comes again. Slam jam, baby. Slam jam. We basically said, just do as many fart clowns as possible. It's about food behind us. A poppadom there. Okay. Yeah, yeah. Were you wondering what that was about? Half the audience went, oh, Jesus, how much did that cost, Benito? Sorry, I thought it was the moon, but okay. I think it's the moon, man. You guys know that that's a lamp, right? Because I did a Whole thing with that a minute ago. And that's embarrassing. If not. You're a foodie, Jamelia. I really am. Like, in every way. Like. Yeah, scarily so. No, not scarily so. Everybody likes food, don't they? Yeah, these people do for sure. But you definitely do. You come to a podcast about food. Like, come on, Urea. But yeah. I'm sorry. Sorry, no good on you. If you do get scared of food, you're in the wrong show. I feel like I'm being really rude. I'm not a rude person at all. No, you're not. But anyway, I know you didn't catch the entire. The first half, but I called one man a cunt three times. Oh, no, you're not being rude. Okay, you're all right. You're all right. You're the height of manners compared to what they had to tolerate at the start of the evening. And you're right, these people love food. For example, there's a woman over there who regularly drinks soy sauce drinks. Yep. Swigs out of the bottle while she's cooking to trick herself into thinking it's normal. It's not. You just got Slam Jam slammed. I commissioned this TV show. Yeah. There's an audience with J, but she slams everyone and then. And then looks really guilty about it immediately afterwards. Yeah, yeah. Who's got a funny quirk? I think soy sauce. I think it's normal. It's not applause. I'm so sorry. I feel awful. I slammed you like slimy people. I'm trying to stop slamming people. Do you cook as well, Jamilia? I love cooking. I recently got to the final. Well, final five, but it's still the final of MasterChef. I saw it. Yeah. I will mention that a few times. That's fine. I watch it. I actually find you quite annoying on that. Me too. Now, this seems like a bit of a redundant question because obviously you. You do you work with food, but are you a foodie? What? Because. Oh, well, well, we always ask people, they're foodies, but I feel like it's rude when someone does, like, chicken shop dates and then one saying, are you a foodie? Well, it does make sense, you know, having a dating show in a chicken shop, that I would be a really, really big foodie. Because you did a cooking show as well, right? Oh, yeah, I did a cooking show. Yeah. But I can't cook. I'm not foodie. Sorry. Hey, don't say sorry. This is great. We've had loads of non foodies on the podcast. Yeah, I'M not a foodie. I eat. I've eaten food, but not foodie. How often? Like three times a day. What about you? Yeah, Three times a day? Yeah. Yeah. Cool. Yeah, yeah. Six, seven. Oh. Whoa. Crazy. He's pretty crazy. Crazy guy. Yeah, I'm a crazy guy. I've got a real problem. When you met Ed, did you think he was crazy? Yeah, that guy is crazy. Cool tattoos. Thank you very much, Amelia. Okay. Would you like me to take you through them? No. Okay, so absolutely. Fair enough. Yeah. If you had to get an item of food tattooed. No, I don't want to. Yeah, yeah. I'm tattooless. But if you had to. No, no, no. If you just for the sake of improv. No, you. A big tub of ice cream, probably. Oh, yeah, I'd have a big tub of ice cream. Where? On your. Just a full body tap for my waist to. Just here. So you wouldn't be able to see if I was wearing the top. There'd be a surprise. Wow. Do you have a girlfriend right now? I did have going into this podcast. Yes. Yeah. I was gonna say not for long. Many times on stage and just suddenly get a full body tat of a tub of ice cream. Yeah. What flavor would you get? I guess I would maybe just want the ice cream tub to say my name on it. Okay. In case you forget your name, just James. A caster on the tub of ice cream. Yeah. Tasty. Yeah. What are you on about? Well, I want it to be personalized, you know, So I think I would, like, have it that, like, it's a big tip of ice cream, and there's a spoon in it and stuff. And with a spoon in it, there's a spoon. Like, the lid's off. It's dangerous. The lid's off, there's a spoon coming out. Probably ends at my armpit, the spoon coming out of the thing. And then it's like a Ben and Jerry's, but instead of Ben and Jerry's and what flavour? Just says James Acres. Nice. Is that the flavor as well? Does it just say James? I feel like we're going too far into detail here with this, Amelia. No, I don't think we are. I think we should carry on. Is there a flavor on it? Or instead of Ben and Jerry's, does it say James Acasta? No, it tastes like James. It tastes like. Yes, James has put James Aaster on it. So when people lick his body, it's like they're eating an ice cream. That there's a flavor of him. Yes. Okay. James. Yes, without further ado, this is the off menu menu of Sam Campbell. Welcome, Sam. Thanks so much. Sorry, can I just say, on behalf of all of us, on behalf of the city of Nottingham and on behalf of the entire Midlands region, thank you so much for a delicious and spellbinding evening. Take a seat, please, sir. Sorry, can I just say, I mean, this means a lot to me. I've been a casualty of the loneliness epidemic. I've faced a lot of obstacles. You know, I'll tell you what, the man upstairs really knows how to throw a curveball. But I was never truly alone, because every Wednesday, my body is filled with a warmth that enters through my ears in the form of the most amazing podcast. I've been to so many places with so many incredible people. I've smiled with excitement as Scrubius Pip describes his crazy pizza. I've trembled with delight as Claudia Winkleman describes her most perfect tuna melt. I've gasped as the magician dynamo talks about his corned beef hash. I was never alone because I was with you guys. You've gotten me through so many storms. Thank you, Sam. Thank you, Sam. Now, just like the regular episodes, the live shows were full of great foodie chat and some not so delicious descriptions of food. Here's Ellis James, John Robbins, Susan McComber, Ian Sterling, Amelia de Moldenberg, Frankie Boyle, and Joe Wilkinson. I think the enthusiasm can occasionally be quite irritating because I remember in the first couple of weeks of lockdown, Izzy was. She was down, she was anxious, she was pissed off, especially in the morning. His wife. And after about. Yeah, yeah, after about 14 days, I thought, I need to broach this. I was like, what is it? Is it. Is it what's happening to our careers? Is it the fact there's a global pandemic and we don't know what's causing this thing? And she went, no, no, it's not that. It's. When you eat Weetabix, you don't realize you do it, do you? I said, what do you mean? She went, you don't know? You do this thing. And I said, what? She went, when you eat Weetabix with every fucking mouthful, you say, yeah, the fact that it's fucking wheat a bit as well. So it's like, yeah, what do you have on your wheat? A bit plain. Plain just with milk. So I'm trying to cut down on sugar, but I really. I've. I've switched over to porridge now. And what do you say when you're eating porridge? Yabba daba. Do no, but sometimes at night I will think to myself, less than eight hours to go and it's porridge time. I bloody love it. She was, she used to say as well, and when you pour squash into a pint glass, oh, yeah, you sort of go, because you can't wait. And you don't seem to be bothered by this pandemic. But I am, because for you it's just more Weetabix and squash time. The little detail in that story that after two weeks you asked your wife what was wrong. Alright, what is it? The global pandemic, is it? I suppose because I just thought it was. I just thought it was general worry about the pandemic, but it was a very specific thing. And then. You're still not understanding what I'm saying. I'm saying it's mad to leave it two weeks before you check to see if your partner's okay. And what's wrong with. With that? You go, no, you don't understand. I thought it was general worry, so I left it unchecked. Oh, you. Yeah, we were talking about general worries a lot. But that, that wasn't the headline. The headline act was me going, yeah, every time I. I Weetabix. But the fact is, if you've said, yeah, every time you have a mouthful of Weetabish for as long as you've lived, it's a really hard habit to go for as long as you've lived. Were you aware that you did it before it was pointed out to you? No. So then next morning, having had the chat, I've got the spoon, I was fucking trembling, I was like, can't say it, man. You can't say it. She's gonna lose her fucking mind if you say it. No matter how much you're enjoying the sweet Tobix, you've got to pretend it's a normal cereal, man, she is on the edge. So then I'd have a mouthful, I'd be like, oh, pretend it's a normal cereal, yeah? Not a fancy tasty one like Wix. Pretend this is just a normal boring cereal. Just a normal boring cereal. And I like them all. But Weetabix at the time, is that, Is that at the top, top for you? Weetabeck theory? No, I would say historically, Special K. What? How do you think I'm bikini beach body ready yet? It's just bowl after bowl of Special K. And I mean, a long time ago, Cocoa Pops. But Cocoa Pops, Sugar's had a bad press over the last sort of 60 years. So I've kind of. I've tried to quite radically change the way I eat over the last. But you had a lot of Cocoa Pops back in the day. Back in the. Oh, I mean up to about, up to about the sort of end of Brit Pop. Coco. Brit Pops, famously. Sorry, I sick. Why you s like that? No, no, keep sitting like that. I like it. It's good stuff. I'm just having a really good time. T4 would you have a Brown Flakes with Bailey's a big fan of Brown Flakes. Yeah, of course with Bailey. Yeah. Yeah. Someone here. That's what the dream dream meal is. No, I used to eat over the summer holidays Brun Flake, Sweet to Bix, All Bran and Cocoa Pops in the same bowl. All in the same bowl. All in the same. Did you have a name for that cereal? Yes. Cereal Time. All brand Weetabix and Brown Flakes, you say? And Cocoa Pops. Oh, a Cocoa Pops. So that's like the fun. Yeah, I used to do it with my cousin and then. Good to know what clips we're going to get out for the trailer of this episode. I. I've thought a lot about my choices and I've realized how much the way I eat has changed because I don't want to. It's no disrespect to my mother, but we used to have the same meal on every night. There was a rota like a seven day rotter. I remember this. I remember you had a routine about it. Yes. And if you are going to list the foods that you had, then I would like you to do it in the way that you did it in the routine years ago, which was you did it like a Top of the Pops rundown. Yes, yes. I'd forgotten about that. Monday night check in tonight. Yeah, but that's. This isn't how you did it, is it? You went. You went, dad funny night and that's why you did it. I feel like chicken tonight. Well, you're lucky because you're having it tonight. It's Monday night and it's always chicken tonight. Yeah. Thursday night was pizza because my mother had aerobics. So you needed something quick. Friday night, obviously, fish. And so that when I went to university I was. I was exposed to new tastes. Take us. What was the first new taste you were exposed to at university? Black pepper. Wowee. Where were you going to university? Delhi. This is incredible. I lived with a girl called Caroline who'd been privately educated and her mother, she was a really good cook. She liked to cook and I Lived with her in that lovely girl. I lived with her in the second and third year and her boyfriend Chris, and she used to love to cook. She introduced me to risotto. That was great. She also introduced me to coriander. Wow. Yeah. She made a carrot and coriander soup and I was so overwhelmed by it. But at the end of the bowl, I kissed her on the cheek and said, thank you. What the fuck was that? She was like, kiss carrots and coriander soup bellies. And I was like, well, I know I'm going to eat it every day for the rest of my life. Well, the next one I think I'm gonna. There's the cheese course, which is just very quick. Yeah, yeah, Cheese course. No, he doesn't mind. Cheese course. Yeah, it's good news. A cheese course is good news. That means that the dessert is a proper dessert and we're not skipping it. If anything, I'm pro cheese course. So the Anna wants to kiss a girl. So the cheese course is very simply the cheese, which is a cheese. It was known as in my family. Known as the cheese. Yeah. And my stuff, stepdad, whenever he went down to Somerset because he loved Somerset, so he'd go down Somerset quite a lot, work down there. He would bring back the cheese, which is a big wheel of cheddar in black wax from a company, it's the Maryland Farm, Mature cheddar cheese. And anyone who tasted this cheese said, you got to sort me out with some of this cheese. This is insane. I thought I knew cheddar. Yeah, yeah. Everyone would say this, right? Honestly, word for word, everyone would say. Everyone would say word for word, I gotta get me some new cheddar. Yeah. And then they'd leave it there. They'd say, I thought I knew cheddar until I tasted the cheese. So then wipe that on a T shirt. Then when the next time my stepdad went down to Somerset, I'd have to say, oh, can you sort my friend Sam's mum out with some of your cheese? Awful sentence out of context. So he'd be like, well, I don't know what. It's like 15 quid for a enormous, like four kilos of cheese. And he'd say, well, yeah, well, yeah, they can pay me back or whatever. I'll bring it up before you know it. He's bringing back quite a lot of cheese from Somerset into, you know, Avon and North Somerset across the border. Well, yeah, it becomes a county line's drug operation. But, I mean, I'm not kidding. He would Come back with like four wheels of this cheese. One for me, one for my friend Sam. One for my friend Sam's mum. One for, you know, someone else. Fucking Sam can't share one with his mum. What's going on? But once you stop. Were they a broken home as well? No, once you start eating this cheese, you just eat a whole wheel of cheese. It's mad. It's mad. And I would go around. I'd go from mine where we'd be eating the cheese. I'd go around to Sam's house. They'd be sat in their kitchen just cutting off slices of cheese, eating this cheese. It's so creamy. It's so tangy. Do people not usually talk this long about their choices? They do. Joe. What? Jo, I love. I want to try the cheese. To be fair, you're doing absolutely nothing wrong. If this was a studio recorded episode, it said on the. It said on the thing an hour and a half. Really? Yeah. Well, then you are in the right. And I don't know how I'm getting back to London today. Do you want anything with the cheese? A taxi for James. My drink of choice is a Craig David. Okay, now again, I don't think you're using that phrase right. That is a UK garage singer. Yeah. There's a drink called a Craig. Who knows what a Craig David is? Go woot. It's a real drink, Right? So what is it? Was it the same guy who taught you that one? No, no, this was me. This is my favorite late night drink. Susan, you take Robinson's orange squash and you top it up with cold water. You making Craig Davids down there? I'm trying to get your sleep mama. I'm making a Craig David. Make me a Craig David while you're making the mantrolay. If you're gonna make I have a Craig David, you make me one Tucker for a Jake on Tuesday. So the Craig David. Tell me, what's the flavor? Nothing. You get it? He did it. Amazing. Best in the biz. What? What would you deep fry? Which? Which chocolate bar? You deep fry any out of any chocolate bars? Question for me. Thank you, Ed. I'll move on to it. Don't worry. I guess if I was to fry any chocolate bar. Oh my God. Asking him first. This is really hard. If you want for structural integrity. What? I've seen them all fried. What do you mean you've seen them all fried? Pretty much I've seen them all fried. Yeah, but when? When have you seen them all fried? Well, like you've Been in Edinburgh long enough, you've seen enough people ordering because, like, tourists do it. And then you think, oh, I'm not going to do that. It's for tourists. And then you get drunk and you've got a Twix in your handy. Can you demonstrate a tourist asking for a Twix? Good evening to you. Hang on, wait. My voice broke. Hey, Mom. My great grandpappy visited these fair isles many moons ago and he always wanted a nice piece of chips. Piece of. Piece of chips. Piece of chips with a deep fried Twix. He was quirky in those ways. So can I please, young man, sir, have my Twixty fry? No pun intended. Mama. Happy birthday. So, Twix. Twix for you. Yep. One thing worse than around no round of applause. Is someone trying. 3,000 people going, absolutely not. No, that's not. I just wanted to hear more from the character. Not today. Best for structural integrity. Double decker. Yeah. Honestly, once it's been fried, you bite into it, it's like nothing happens to it. Oh, it's just sitting there, like. And what. I'm not sure that's. Order us one of them. Order us deep fried double decker. That's what I want. I don't want no deep fried Mars bar. See the Mars bars, like, inside, like, yeah, if that's going to scorch my mouth. That's not what my great grandpappy died for. I'd rather have a deep fried Double Decker, please. Double decker. Snickers. I think we'll all agree. Cream egg. Cream eggs be. But again, I mean, that is a. That is a daredevil sport. I'd rather skydive than even There. I love that. Like, when you had gazpacho, you didn't know it's meant to be cold, but you are a connoisseur when it comes to deep throwing out chocolates. Like structural integrity. Every single chocolate throw. Any chocolate bar. Ian. Well, you're playing with fire there. Top 15, huh? Top 15. Top 15 deep fried chocolates for me and Stirling. This audience just heads up. They love top 15. Yeah, they love top 15. It's from about 14 to 2. It's really gonna feel like they don't love it, but they're with you. I mean, it's up to you if you want to accept it or not. Considering earlier on I forgot the word for wet wipe. I think 15 chocolate bars is a stretch. Yeah. Cream egg would be 15 worst. That's bottom bounty. 14. Okay, we're doing it. You can't. You can't not do it now. You can't go into 14 and then not finish it. Well, Maltesers would be fun, but 13, they would be fun. Fun. But again, it's one of those fun ideas. They would dissolve in the fat, wouldn't they? If you think about it. Yeah. Give me the thick battery. Yeah, it would just be more batter than anything else. The 1312. Milky butt. Yeah, that's too soft. That's. You're not getting any of the. Yeah, you're right. Those are lulling. Yeah. But I'm saying you got to hold strong. Because what they're actually doing is they are fascinated into silence. They're fascinated. They're compiling their top 15s in their head. I've never been anywhere before where top 15s is even a thing. Yeah. Why not a top 10, Glasgow? Yeah. They're obsessed with top 15s, not top fives or top tens like most people. It's got to be top 15s. Yeah, top 15s. Where am I? You've got. You've done four, you've done 11. Dairy milk, 10. Fruit and nut. Okay, well that's interesting because you said the nuts in Snickers help with structural integrity. That's why it's above the fruit and nut. What's that now? What number is that? Fruit and nuts. 10. Above the dairy milk. Because it's got no structural integrity. Fruit and nuts, 10. Yeah, but that's quite low down for something with nuts, which, as we know, provides structural integrity. But we've. We're nowhere near the nougat based snacks. Yeah, yeah. Well, can I say as well, mate, what's the Milky Way? We're coming in a lot on audience reaction, but I would happily have this conversation to silence and carry on because it is so. It's so up my street. Yeah. Do you know that? So we're in the top 10 now. We're in. We're in. This is great. So number nine. Oh, my God. A dime bar. That would be a sip. Once it was finished. You, you look, man. You put your head in the dragon's mouth. You took your life into your own hands there. We can't do anything for you. Would it take, you think, a dime borrowed and melt? It would be a soup with just some caramelly croutons. But that's rock hard in the middle. You're talking about structural integrity. That is like a iron bar. That is incredible. Iron brew bar number nine. That is not chocolate, Ian. It's whatever you want. It's not legal, is it? So it can be what you 8. Chocolate orange. Who said that? Right, we might have a spoiler for the top five. Chocolate orange. Deep fried chocolate orange. Yeah, Just ate like a Viking. You're not going individual segments battered. You're doing the whole thing. No, the whole thing. I dip my hand in like that. Fingers fried. Worth it. Yeah, worth it. I might lose a hand, but it's in the name of science. Yeah. Good on you, man. Your mate from the edamame beans eating a chocolate orange with the foil still on. So where are we in the list? Seven now seven. Now seven. Star bar seven. That was Starburst. That was suggested, but I was always going to be seven. I like how as we get closer to the top five and we're running out of things, you're shouting out more because you're so anxious that your favorites isn't going to be in the list. Yeah, please. Sex. Bounty. Oh, I thought Bounty was Ian. Bounty, I think. But the celebrations. Bounty. Which tastes better than Bounty. Interesting. Man. I've never been so glad to have done a top 15 in my life. This is controversial stuff. This might genuinely be the most stressed on stage I've ever been in my life. Yeah. Yeah, man. Five. Boost. Boost. Boost. Number five. What is interesting about this top 15, and I've seen a lot of top 15, is you're running through the list as if you've got it pre planned in your head. Every time you say. Hang on. Every time you say a number, the first thing that someone else shouts, that's what you say. Number five. Boost. Boost. That's not true. Number four. What he said. Oh, my God. There should be a law passed that. That can only be said in a Scottish accent. That was that. I. I got a boner when I heard that. That was incredible. Absolutely. A Curly Whirly boner at that. Amazing. Yeah. I've never heard that said in a Scottish accent before. It was. It was incredible. Curly Worley. It was the way he said it. I imagined his eyes literally rolling around in his head. It was perfect. So look, he just walk up. Yeah. You know what? There's a chocolate bar that I can't believe hasn't been said yet. And if it isn't said, this is why. That's what I was hoping would be brought up. The KitKat Chunky. The KitKat Chunky. Well, if I. Spoiler alert. Uh oh. 4. Oh, there we go. Now, is it a spoiler alert, Ian, or have you just remembered Curly Worley? Three Twix, two stickers, one Kit Kat. Chunky. Whoa. What? What happened? What happened to the Double Decker? No Double Decker. No Double Decker mentioned no Mars. Mars didn't even make the top 15. Yeah, we haven't even got to the nougar bass bars yet. None of them made it into the top 10. The best one you've already. You'd already named the best one before that. So I was like, well, at least he's got his number one locked in. Yeah, Chocolate orange never came up again either. Oh, my God. Yeah. Spoiler for the top five. Shouldn't have thought so. Forgot about it as soon as someone shouted out Curly Whirly. I've never been made to feel a fool about a thing that's not known A thing that's not a thing. Yeah. Your dream side dish, Amelia. Oh, my dream side dish is chicken nuggets. You seem so tired of having to say that. No, no, because I thought it was a bit obvious, but it is my side dish. Ish. Yeah. Just for. Not no reason in particular, but okay. But you do genuinely love it. I love chicken nuggets. Yeah. I love chicken nuggets. I eat them all the time on chicken shop day off. Chicken shop day. I don't really like chicken on the bone. Me neither. Oh, yeah, don't like it. You have to go at me for it. Yeah. You guys need to suck it up. I just don't like the. The consistency. I think it's. I much prefer a boneless or a breast nugget situation. Don't like a leg. Don't like a thigh. What else do you have wings? No, no. Is it because. Is it a genuinely consistency thing or is it weird for you to have the bone in there because then you think of it being an animal, which. Oh, no, that doesn't mind that. No, I don't like this. It gets a bit slimy. I mean, so what about boneless thighs? I think that's probably the best. The best cut the thighs. Thighs are the best. Aren't all thighs bone? Is her bone in. Oh, yeah, yeah. Just checking there's a bone in there. Yes. I'm suddenly very pro mansplaining. Just checking you have a bone in your thigh. When you get up at the end of the. The podcast, you'd fall straight on the floor. Oh, gosh, yes. Chicken nuggets. Chicken nuggets from a particular place. Is it a Mackie D's chicken nugget? I think Morley's has the best chicken nuggets. And if also McDonald's do have really good nuggets as well. How many nugs are you getting from McDonald's if you're going? Because they. What's the. You can get 24 nuggets, can't you? Oh, I wouldn't get 24. I'd get six. Six nugs. But sometimes I get Happy Meal, so I get four. Yeah. Ripple went across the crowd there. Yeah. Weren't sure about that. Does 4 just come with the Happy Meal or. I think 4 is a Happy Meal. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How often are you getting a Happy Meal? I probably normally get a Happy Meal if I go to McDonald's. Yeah. What are you getting with. What with. What are you doing with the toy? Oh, just keep them at home. Give it to Tweedle's birthday. Yeah. And a fruit shoot. So you get a fruit shoot in the Happy Meal. You can choose fruit shoot. Yeah, you can choose. Okay. What else do you get in chips? I will just say this. I haven't had a Happy Meal since I was seven, so. Oh, sucks to be you. Yeah. You know, McDonald's apparently are the largest toy distributors in the world. Sorry, we should have explained. Grimaces in the crowd tonight. Yes. That's someone who's recently told a friend that and been told they're full of shit. Yes, thank you. I was actually thinking recently, like, what did. In these situations, like, when you say a fact and then your friend's like, no, that's not true. Before, people had Google and could, like, look on their phone, like, what happened? Do you think we can actually tell you? Sorry to say that we do remember those times. Oh, yeah. It just meant that the whole night was one discussion and you spent the whole night just going like. But, oh, there was a thing. What was the thing? You know the thing I'm talking about. And you were all there and you were just all going insane collectively. And then you'd have to. It would go on for ages. It'd go on beyond that. One night you'd see someone, the next day you'd go, Jeremiah said that McDonald's are the biggest toy distributors in the world and that they'll go, oh, I think I heard that somewhere. Like, did you? Where did you heard it? I can't remember now. And then you just never know. Yeah. And then eventually we got the Internet and we could all just like when we originally got the Internet, all of us spent a week just getting up to speed and imagine this. Like, you'd have to go to the toilet and. Just go to the toilet. Do you. I don't Google on the toilet. You don't Google on the toilet? No. You're not on your phone on the toilet? No. You're not on your phone? You're not YouTubing? No. What are you doing? I'm just going on the toilet. Really? Yeah. I don't think. Really? So you're sat there on your phone watching YouTube on the toilet? Yeah. Really? Yeah. Like the other day I had to, like, consciously decide, I'm gonna leave my phone in the living room, I'm gonna go for a shit. Yeah. And like, it was like the first time I'd, like, had a shit for ages. Like, I'd done a lot of shits, but I hadn't had a shit. Yeah. Wow. I really felt like this was mine. I was present for it. Well, I need my phone on the toilet because every time me and Nish have a shit, we text each other about it, which is really weird. Cause they're back to back. We had to have a specially built toilet. What do you text? Like, I'm having a shit? Yeah. Like, oh. Normally, if Nish does a really bad one, depending on where he is, say he was at the Manchester road to Apollo, he'd text me and I'd know he'd had a shit because he'd say, so sorry, Manchester, O2, Apollo. That's like the code. Yes, I've had a shit. So your chat history is just. I've shit, shit, shit. I've had a shit. Yeah. Cool. Two days ago, I rang Nish and he answered by going, gonna level with you, Jimmy. I'm having a shit. Don't answer the phone, man. Just don't answer it. Just ring me back when you're not shitting. How's that for an idea? Main course, Frankie. Now, I was very torn here. I love checking and I think it has psychological roots, right? In that when you were a kid, like, your dad always got the big bit of chicken leg of chicken, right? And you got some fucking scraggy bits of chicken. And as a kid, I often thought to myself, when I'm an adult, I will eat chicken every day. And I've lived up to that dream. It's rare. I mean, chicken, we all love it. I love to get it in a Vietnamese place in Glasgow, they do a caramelized ginger chicken that I really like. Okay. A chicken has to die, but it's just a fucking chicken. Yeah? Yeah. And I'm very tempted to say chicken or like a really good fried chicken or something like that, but I want to be honest and say what my actual dream meal would be. I'd like to eat all of the icing off a wedding cake. Frankie. Main course. Main course. Last night. Last night we had Ian Sterling on. He chose a cheese board as his dessert. Oh God, I cried myself to sleep. I was. You have no idea how good this feels right now to hear that you want to eat all the icing off a wedding cake as your main course. Surely in Scotland if you ordered the cheese board they'd be blowing fucking dust off it before they handed it to you. Yeah, well, that's what you get if you invite on a prick from Edinburgh. Your dream main course. Joe, what's following up this quite confusing prawn cocktail? Chicken Kiev, chips and peas. I knew that as soon as he ended. Yeah. A lot of people is. It's been a while. I think this might be the first time on the podcast we've had a meal that is exclusively eaten on your lap. Yeah, that's if I'm getting the hose through the window. Chicken Kiev, chips and peas. Yeah. Now I'm going to take a wild swing that you're not paying for this either, Joe. Well, we're not eating in a restaurant. No. Whose house is this at? Stevens? Tell us about Steven. Yeah, went to school with him and he lives opposite his mum. The house opposite his mum. Yeah. Do you know why he's at my house actually? Can't be looking at his mum's house. Do you want to hear more about it? Yeah. So it's probably from Waitrose. Yeah. Because I haven't spent. Yeah. You can't go do that to him now after he's picked chicken Kie. I have chips and peas. Two. I'm having two Kievs. Respect. Yeah. It's the only way. It's the only way. Yeah. People are leaving on that controversial. All right, I'll have a double Kiev. That pushed him over the edge. He's actually. Some people can't handle the truth. Gone. Gone forever. You know what I mean? He might have gone all of it, mate. They just looked. When does Waitrose shut? Yeah, shut. He did have the pace of someone who was rushing to buy a K. Yeah. Oh, get us one while you there. So double. Double Kiev. Yeah, 2K. I'll. I'll cook and what. What. Cuz I obviously can get different chicken Kiev sometimes. Like, you know, I like. Yes. That was going to be one of the. Also you can't get different types. Okay. No, that's a chicken curve is garlic butter. Right? Yeah. Okay. I've just. I've just seen them get called chicken cares but have other stuff in them before. Like what? They've got what stuffing and other stuff in there. Like in there? Whatever. No, no. The chicken cordon Blur with ham. And it's amazing. What they're turned. They've turned. It's the biggest faux PA I've ever made. On the top. Yeah. I'm absolutely with them. How much. How much garlic butter do you want in there? Doesn't matter. It'll all seep out while it cooks. Don't matter. It'll all be coating the bottom. Yeah. And when you cut into it, it's completely hollow. Perfect. I've forgotten it's in there. So it's slightly too cooked, slightly too brown. So you're making this at home? That's your dream. Yeah. Yeah. Well, then I don't have to go out. Yeah. So all the garlic butter's like just in the. On the baking tray or whatever. Yeah, yeah. But then you. You pour the butter back over. Over the Kias and you said you tell the other person you put the equal amount on both. Are you also, though, whenever I've made this dish, I'll also pour the garlic butter over the peas at least most likely also the chips and just like get a little bit of. Yeah, yeah. You can do that to you. You're wrong. But should be soaking into the. Into the crust of the Kiev. But. Yeah, but yeah, people very happy. I do like. I do like the hollowness of it as well. You like the hollowness? Yeah. So you don't want. So it would be awful for you if you got the Kiev out the oven and none of the butter had escaped that. It's all in there. Well, I'd cut the side and put it back in. You'd breach. You'd breach the Kiev and then. Wow. Needs to all be in the pan. Yeah. Also, if you're making this yourself, you gobbling beetroot the whole time. Does that have some beetroot being eaten the whole time? You make sure I've got beetroot in the house at the moment. Actually, I've got three. It's a bit of a bugbear for Petra. Sorry, Petra, but I usually have a bug. It's not even my other half anymore. Just the first name. Petra. She's there. Yeah. There'll be about four or five half empty jars in the fridge and I'll. I'll within Sainsbury's and I'll pop another one in the basket. That'll be an awkward drive home. Are you gonna put them all in one jar? Nope. Are you getting through them eventually or Is there just a constant cycle of now this? Well, there's that awkward moment where you, you pour it in the sink and there's a few, what, loose ones in the bottom. You think, why not? That'd be the worst one to choke on. A sink one. Yeah, yeah. Tastes like toothpaste. Hold on. I, I, yeah, I, I eat them over the bathroom sink. That's why you pour them out as well. When the jars are done, you go up to the bathroom. I can't bathroom, check that no one's in there. Yeah. Then I go, and if there's go. Do you mind if I quickly eat some beetroot? Someone just shouted out the worst pun I've ever heard. Oh, what was it? What was it said, be true to yourself. Oh, wish there was a way of deleting that. Oh, edit it out. The issue with beetroot for me is if I eat beetroot and I know you're the same, I tend to set an alarm on my phone to remind me and, oh, yeah, in a few hours time that I've eaten beetroot so that when I go for a proper toilet, I don't worry that I've got bowel cancer. But I. Yeah. How do you celebrate a beetroot? Shit. That's not the response I was expecting to that. But you go beetroot. Should we go on a bike ride? But what I'm worried about with you, Joe, if you're eating beetroot constantly, just don't have a look behind you. But I'm just worried you're never gonna spot the signs if there's something genuinely wrong. Oh, yeah, I'll take a week off. Can't say further than that. What were we talking about? You said Waitrose for your chicken King. Oh, yeah, yeah. But I will have Sainsbury's. Actually, Sainsbury's is cheaper because if you, if you, if you cook. Little tip. If you. Yeah. If you overcook a chicken Kiev by about 15 minutes, they all taste the same. It's a good overcooked. Yeah, but then it does. If you buy a cheap one, you go, that's because it's burnt. It tastes the same as a. So I don't understand this. This feels like a false economy, Joe, because you don't have to overcook them. What do you mean? You buy a nice one and cook it right, then it's more delicious than a cheaper one cooked right. So why don't you just do that rather than, why are you overcooking all of them? To make them taste the same. Because I'm in the middle of a box set. What's the box set? Well, I'll be honest, I love an ITV drama. Yep. I never bother learning the names of them. It's a detective in a town up north. That's all I know. And it's very well cast. Yeah. So you're getting into that. Yeah. And I forget I'm cooking it. Do you not set an alarm for when the Kiev's ready? What alarm? What? An oven alarm or a phone alarm or something to remind you. Two good answers. To be fair. To be fair. Two good answers. He's got me there. What would you like to be in an ITB drama one day, Joe? Do you think you would be good in one of those shows? No, because I love him too much. I don't want to go fucking, oh, it's me. I'm not saying you would watch it and forget you were in it and then be taken out of the. Maybe that'd be good if you could get in one, right? Even just walk on park and then at some point go. Do you mind if I do a bit of improv, look down the camera and go, Joe, you've got a Kiev in the oven. After investing billions to light up our network, T Mobile is America's largest 5G network. Plus right now you can switch, keep your phone and we'll pay it off up to $800. See how you can save on every plan versus Verizon and AT&T. @T mobile.com KeystoneSwitch up to four lines via virtual prepaid card. 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Brakes, headlights, cold air intakes, whatever you need. And it's guaranteed to fit. Which means no more crossing your fingers and hoping you ordered the right thing. All the parts you need at prices you'll love. Guaranteed to fit every time. Ebay. Things people love. Now, we've had plenty of food talk on the podcast, but not much cutlery chat. Ardlo Hanlon changed that. Wow, what a link. What a link. This guy. I mean, it is a nice bit of cutlery chat, to be fair, but I don't care about water. I mean, I don't like. I know it's. I know it's got its uses and stuff like that, you know, irrigation and that sort of shit, but I don't really care about it. What I am really interested in is. Well, the temperature is important. Yeah. But more, more importantly is the glass. So, like, like, I'm really interested in the. In the heft of a glass. That kind of thing. Yeah, like, that would be more important than the actual liquid in the glass. It would be the, you know, like that. That's too thin. Like this little. This is a thin can of water for those listening that I'm holding in my. In my good hand. Oh, be careful with the mic in that case. And it's too thin, so it's not. There's no pleasure to be had in. In holding this can, you know, the temperature is fine. Oh, I've heard that before. Yeah. So. So, like, that Would. If I held that can for any length of time, I would probably get like tennis elbow or something. Because you're using extra muscles to get a good grip on it. Sure. So you want something with a bit of weight. You want. When you pick it up. Weight is important. Yes, good point. And heft. I don't know if heft is the right word to describe. Like. Which one? Girth. Girth, Girth, girth, girth, heft, waist. That's what you would like. In that order. Those glasses that have quite a thick bottom to them. Yeah, you know what I mean? When it's like, almost like stops, but then it just carries on a big chunk of glass at the bottom. No, I like, I like that. I mean, the point against glass is the perfect glass, right? Absolutely. They know. They know. And because it's also got that thing that, like the little bulge about 3/4 of the way up, which is a good, A good feature. So girth, heft, weight, and a little bulge three quarters of the way up. Yeah, that's about all you need. And the lip. The lip is important. That is not too thin a lip because again, that doesn't channel the water into the right areas of the mouth. It channels it onto your shirt. And that's useless. Yeah, Forks are important as well. So, like, again, the whole, like, eating is fine. Like, okay, you know, prefer touching. Yeah, prefer touching, but also prefer, like, again, I think it's maybe getting older. Like, my main interest at dinner will be the heft of the cutlery. Like, we had a dinner party in our house a few weeks ago and this is absolutely true. So I got last Christmas, for my wife's Christmas present, I got this amazing cutlery. Like, it is the best cutlery ever. So you bought that for your wife? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Lucky girl. Yeah. But just imagine you handing it over. She looks, look at the heft on that. Even. Even more than me. She loves design. I mean, she's got some outlandish cutlery in her collection which she keeps in a different room than my cutlery collection. So, like, she got. She got these forks which are like, they look nice, but they're terrible. Now look, you know, I shouldn't be talking about my wife in a public forum, but I feel she needs to know. And we're not good on one to one, but we've these forks at home. Like, there's only three tines. Yeah, yeah. Two of them. Like, two of them are splayed outwards like the outer two. So the. And the curve outwards. So you Literally, you can't pierce anything. There is no food that I know of that you can actually pierce. So what's that fork for? They're turning everything dirty. Like, it's for maybe lifting hay or something and throwing it into a trailer. Like, it's not for. Whereas the forks I got her, which she's very happy with, by the way. Yeah. They're not just. Not just forks. They have a companion knife and spoon. That's good. And they're. They're like, so, you know brutalism in architecture. Right. These are brutalist. So it's a Dutch designer called Martin Haas. Yes. Loads of A's in that. Yeah. Yeah. I think there's about five A's in his first name and about four in his second name. Okay. Mart and Haas. He has these amazing cutlerisettes. So, anyway, still there. Sparkling was the question. It's the most cutlery chat we've had, but it's important. Well, I'm surprised you don't talk about it more. It's so. Oh, yeah. So I was at this dinner party, and I literally. The next morning, I was really embarrassed. Like, I literally went around to everyone at the table because no one ever remarks in the cutlery. And we're always furious. The next morning, they say, oh, yeah, the dinner's lovely. My wife's an amazing cook. And so they're always going on about the fucking food and everything, and then never mention the cutlery. And so at this dinner party, I was going, what do you think of that? I was just one of those guys going around. You see it there, And I look. Maybe it doesn't look special, but when you actually look at it closely, it's all, like. It's imperfect. So there's, like. There's four tines in the proper, you know, at the. And there's a stem. Yeah. You're talking them through the fork. Yeah. But, like, each of the. Each of the tines is kind of, like, slightly weird. You know, it's like little wiggly time. Yeah. And then. But the weight is the important thing. It's just perfect. Like, sometimes. Sometimes I literally, I'm. It's not even meal time. And I will go to the cutlery drawer. Yeah. When I should be working. Yeah. And I will literally just walk around with the fork spinning. The weight of it. Yeah. Yeah. And the knife is like. The knife is like a saw. Yeah. It's really. It's a really good knife. If a burglar came in, which one would you reach for first? Well, here's the thing. If a burglar come in, I wouldn't know. And the reason I wouldn't know is because, you see, we're very interested in design in our house. Yes. And my wife. Again, it's none of your business. Yes. The more you mention her, the more I suspect she doesn't exist. It's just. Your wife is actually a fork that you put googly eyes on. Yeah, but she buys lamps. Hello, my darling. So she loves lamps. Yes. Almost as much as she likes cutlery. Yeah. I don't know if your wife likes coloring, so she buys lamps that don't throw any light. So our house is really dark because all the lamps. The lamps are lovely. Like, so it's always design over functionality, and that's a source of contention. And literally there's no light coming out of the lamps, so you wouldn't know which one to get. You wouldn't even know. Like, it might as well be a hat stand. It might even be a hat stand with a. With a lampshade on it. Like, there's, like, there's no. It's. There's literally no light. There could be squatters living in my house. I wouldn't know. This. This anger explains why you began the show by rubbing your ass on a lamp. Yes. But there was one guest who came perilously close to choosing the secret ingredient he had. I would have loved. Yes. To kick this guy out at the Royal Albert hall, no less. What a little thicko. This guy is an idiot. It's Ellis James. So this is top quality steak, but only a small amount. So I can have it with English mustard and then we can move on. Okay. And that's next to your sea bass. Now can we get. We need to get into the. Into the. The nitty gritty with the veg here. So you've got steamed spinach. Okay. With a little bit of nutmeg. Green beans. Okay. Okay. Someone's going to need to Google something for us. No, no, don't. Move on. No, we need to Google. You got your phone out. You know what I want you to Google? I don't have to say it to you. Can you tell us more about the green beans? Well, I really. I really like my greens. I like kidney beans. Sorry. Something fucking mad is happening in this room I cannot put my finger on. Yeah, don't. You don't need to leave your fingers off it for now. We've got an answer. Because I. I like spinach. I like cabbage. Yeah, he's fine. You're in the clear. Carry on. The Clear. Carry on. Carry. I feel like. I feel like I'm trying to walk across an icy lake. As long as you walk and don't run. Tender stem broccoli. But I would like the chef to discuss them with slightly more enthusiasm than you two muster on your advert at the start of the podcast. That's a good advert. Yeah, we had to originally. James wasn't around. I had to record that by myself. You've never felt more insane than recording an advert for broccoli alone. My sister thought that advert was fake, was a prank. She's like, you can't do an advert for tender stem broccoli. It's like, do an advert just for cake. Yeah. And she was like, I'm not going to go to that. Because we give a website address at the end that. I'm not going to go on that website. It's just going to be a picture of you, Ed, and Toast dressed as broccoli. Well, I love. I love. I love my greens. So it's with greens and dorphin mo potatoes and then a disc of steak with English mustard, but only a small one. So I'm not too full because it's a big night. Are you factoring your dream side dish into that, or is there a different dream side dish? Different dream side dish. Okay, well, let's move on to that and hear what your different dream side dishes. I mean, the two that almost made the cut special fried rice, shredded chili, crispy beef. But I thought, what genuinely makes me happy. Why do I feel like looking at a bowl of sausages now? Absolutely. I thought, sod. It's my dream restaurant. So for my side, I'd like a box of milk tray. Ellis, being here with you tonight is very special. Royal Albert hall, someone's finally chosen milk tray as their dream side dish. Can I ask? No. No questions needed. I respect the choice. But you're not fucking anyone after this meal. I beg to differ. Sometimes, even though we were live and in public, things got hot and. No, that's not what it says. Oh, sorry. It says sexy. Sexy is the headline underlined. And then it says, things go hot and steamy. Yeah, it's D'Amelia and Susan McComber. My dream drink is. Have you ever had carrot juice? Yeah. Yeah, love it. Okay. Carrot. Not just. Not just the juice of a carrot. It's like. Oh, sorry, I thought that's what it was. No, then to reframe what I think about everything today. Actually. Actually, you know what? Sorry, this is really unprofessional I'm gonna change what I had just because I feel like this is a better answer. I do want to, but you can't leave us with the carrot juice mystery. We do need to hear what carrot juice is. If it's not the juice of a carrot. Carrot juice is delicious. Just as delicious as the drink that I'm gonna choose. Yeah, but what is it? What is carrot juice? It is the juice of a carrot, but it's mixed with like condensed milk and nutmeg and cinnamon and it's absolutely delicious. Can you use evaporated milk instead? Absolutely not. No, no. Because they're interchangeable in a lot of things. Definitely not. It would be disgusting. I feel like that's an insult him to Jamaican. James's mum did a recipe for us once. We did a cook along together on Zoom during. During the pandemic. Because when we went back and to the second lockdown because someone had fucking noodles. Out of context. If anyone takes that out of context, that's me. Cancelled forever. That sounds bad. If any of you are filming this, just clip that up and put it online. Curtis up his usual tricks. I'm fine with that. You could do that. Anyway, James's mum said, I'll do this. And I did. Did the recipe and it was. It was a bad recipe. That's. That's all you need to know. She did not jamin it. She gave him a precise recipe and he ignored the recipe. It said condensed milk. He ignored it and replaced it with evaporated milk and then complained afterwards it didn't taste how it was supposed to. Yeah, that. Yeah, that'll do it. She's a shit cook. Are you having that? Have you two ever had a fight? I'm not instigating, I'm just asking. Your honor. No, I can't. I can't fight him here in front of everyone. I'll get him in the dressing room when he's not expecting it. Speak about my cussing my mum out on stage. Terrible. Terrible. So you're not choosing the character juice? I'm not going to go for the carrot juice just because I would like to educate the audience and maybe. Maybe you already know what this is, but have any of you ever had something called sexy juice? Sexy juice. Yeah. And it's not. Hang on. No, it's not that. Hang on. I've been tricked before with the carrot juice. Okay. Sexy. Sexy juice. Right. Sexy juice. It's basically the same as carrot juice, but. But you substitute the carrot juice for pineapple juice. Maybe that's why it's called Sexy Juice. You know that thing about pineapple. Oh, hang on, Jamila. So let's. Hang on, let's crack that. I noticed that. I can't wait to listen to this. Oh, my gosh. So we've worked out why it's called Sexy Juice. There'll be people in here who don't know what you mean. Explain what you mean. Right. Oh, I hope my mom doesn't listen. All right, moving on. Right, so Sexy Juice is a. Sorry, did you say you want the recipe? No. Yeah, yeah. Okay. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. It's pineapple juice, condensed milk, bit of nutmeg, bit of cinnamon. It doesn't sound all. It's not fancy, but it's delicious. It really, really is. Yeah. Yeah. I. I don't want to speak about Sexy Juice anymore. Fair enough. We all know why it's called Sexy Juice. Now respect the guest boundaries. We're not going to make you talk about Sexy Juice anymore. I feel like I've made it so awkward. I'm so sorry. Let's go back to Carrot Juice. Let Carrot juice. That's my dream. No, that sounds like very nice. I mean, do you think you've now ruined Sexy Juice for yourself, though? Yeah. Now that you put that in your head. Nah, I'll still have it. Good on you, mate. We can bring you, like, a tumbler of each if you want. You can have some Sexy Juice and some carrot juice. Thanks. Yeah, no worries. Thank you. Really appreciate it. No, don't. Does that work with any other foods? Say again, sorry? Does the thing work with any other foods? The thing, the pineapple thing that we're all thinking about now and won't stop thinking about until after the show's done. Does that work with any other foods? I don't know. Are there any, like, parent and child, like, in the audience? There are. Oh, there's loads. I'm so sorry. No, because. No, I'm just saying because they might have to have the conversation on the way home or something. I mean, you don't have to. You don't have to. We'll do it. Now, the most awkward question, other than parents and children, sometimes when two people love each other very much. Look, I don't know the science behind it. I don't know if it's true. Me neither. Don't look at me. I don't. I don't know. And I don't know if it. If it would work for other fruits. Well, we've got about 14 tour shows left. Yep. I've only heard the myth about pineapple. Yeah. So tomorrow night at the Royal Albert Hall, I'll eat pineapple before the interval. Yes. And then we've got a way to open the second half, haven't we? That probably exists in fan fiction somewhere anyway, so we might as well. Oh, my goodness. Loads of fan fiction about us. Yeah. Just talk about food and then those grubby little pervs online. Well, I don't mind it. No. Cuz you're always the dominant and I'm always getting and crying my eyes out. I love it. Look at him. Grubby little bastard. They know I'm always the one drinking the pineapple. Put it that way. Old SpongeBob here. Oh, my God. Oh, if you had told me this is where this was gonna go, I'd have still been here. Pop ups on. Yeah, I thought I was gonna be so ready for that. Jesus, you're good. First jump of the tour, to be fair, so far. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Proper me up. Oh, my God. You were riding high on I love lemons. No, nothing from Matthew Bainton last night. He didn't move it in, did he? Move. Yeah, but that guy's a ghost. He's used to scares. He can't scare a ghost, man. Oh, God. Well, I'll answer it now. Bread, bread, bread, bread, bread, bread. Warm, warm soft bread. We don't want anything too hard, hard. And also you need really, like creamy, like almost melted butter on it. You don't want to be shagging around, like, trying to warm it up and wait, you know what you do when you shag around trying to. I do know what, what you mean, what you're going for. I've just never heard that used in that context. Yeah. You know when you're shaggling, like when you're trying to achieve something, so you're just putting it around, trying to achieve your softer butter. You know, I hate, I hate that you're realizing this in front of an audience of 2,000 people, but I think you've been using that term wrong. A lot of people gonna have different opinions of you over the years. Sorry, I was like. I was shaking around at the airport customs chugging around. It's like the GP shagging around. Oh, my God. Yeah. Yes. A lot of things are going through my mind right now. A lot of conversations, but yes, I love creamy, creamy butter. I haven't shagged. And. And warm bread. Do you know what? Actually what I really love, if you go to a really, like, bougie place, I love when they Give you, like, a basket of bread. And there's a variety of different breads rather than just like, this is the only bread. Dip it in that oil. Fuck off. Like, I love the surprise of going, oh, that's quite nice. And I love. What I really love as a starter is, like, just fruit bread. Like, bit raisins in it, just to mix it. How do we feel? What? Controversial? Like, I will shag every one of you outside. Kit off now. Hell, like. No. Right. No, I'm sticking with that. That's a hill I'm going to die on. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You got to. You got to stick by what you believe. But, yeah, not popular here in Brazil. The fruit bread here. Fruit bread. No, just a little bit. Not like. I'm not talking excessive amount of raisins, just a little bit dotted around. I like those breads. I do like the raisin breads. Yeah, yeah, I know what you mean. And also, if it's part of a selection, it's only a small little bit. It's only a small wedge. There we go. Wedge. Or you got the wedges back on. Back on. I like them now. Will you toast it, though, with raisin bread? I like it to be toasted. Not as. No, not. No, not if you're about to have, like, three courses. No, no. Have I lost you? Why would. Why is toasting it an issue if you're about to have three courses? I don't know. Doesn't it just make. It makes it denser? You're about to have. Now, hang on. You're about to have three. Three courses and then someone gives you toast? Essentially. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Don't you think that toast is dense? It's just me. Oh, my God. I'm realizing a lot, I guess. But if someone gives you bread, it's the same, isn't it? Yeah. No, but if it's a little. Nah. Because if you hold a loaf. If you hold. Not loaf. If you hold a slice of bread and then you hold a slice of toast, do this. When you get home, the toast is heavier. Is this another problem with your vocabulary here? Have you been mistaking the word heavier for the word hotter and getting. No, Go home and try it. A slice of bread. Untoasted. Toasted. That toasted one is heavier. Susan, it's gonna be late by the time the show's finished. I can't go home and start shagging the toaster. Also, you know, I think, what were we, three episodes into the latest series of Taskmaster? I feel bad that this audience already know who's not gonna win. Speaking of Susan Wkoma, we got to know a lot about her dating history. Let's hear from Susan Wkoma and Susan. Wow. So my very first boyfriend was, like, from Tunbridge Wells. And any of those details relevant to the story? Not at all. Tunbridge Wells and just narrowed it down. I mean, the thing I know. Do you know what the reason why I mentioned that is? Because he's so far away from what I prepared him. There we go. So he's from Tunbridge Wells, and he's like, suze, why don't you cook me. Why don't you cook me one of your. That's not how he talks fast. Go on. Why don't you cook me one of your home dishes from Nigeria? I've said I don't like cooking. Like eating. I like food being prepared. To me wearing a feather boa and a visor. Anyway, so. He sounds like a great guy, by the way. Awful. Absolutely awful, man. Why don't you cook me one of your home butters from Nigeria? Why don't you cook me one of your funny little spicy things? That's the vibe I got. Yeah. Yeah. That's the vibe I get from this Chubbage Wells. No, I was talk. No, as I'm doing now, I was talking about how much I love okra soup. And he was like, well, I'd love to taste it. Yeah. And I was like, four years. Four years. Four years. And so I was like, right, cool. I'm gonna. I'm gonna do that. So my. I'd made two mistakes. First one was that I didn't chop the okra thin enough. It was too thick. So when it's too thick, you don't get the stringiness, which is the main event. It's the main event. So when he had it, he was like, well, this ain't anything like you. Well, this ain't anything like you said. So I failed there. Fucking hate this guy. I think. Do you remember you saying something about stringiness? What is this, Susan? I wouldn't call this a main event. Susan, have you had shepherd's pie? Oh, God, I feel awful. Yeah, he was a prick anyway, and. No, he wasn't. He was a little bit. And then. So the second mistake I meant that I made was that you're only meant to use like you use scotch bonnets. You're only meant to use a couple. Oh. Oh, no. Someone's about to get their comeuppances. I love it. Good. On your. Susan. How Many did you put it. I don't think this is going to go well with a guy from Tunbridge Wells. I have a nice big spoonful to begin with, Susan. Down the hat bomb. The work. In for a penny, in for a pound, Queen and contract. I'm laughing because you're not far off. Oh, what was I doing? So you're only meant to use. You're only meant to use two. And I used to seven. Oh, my God. I use seven. And my. My spice tolerance is high. But even I was sweating from my eyebrows. I was sweating from, like, creases in my neck. I was like, under my tit. I was like, wow, this. This guy was pink. He was pink and red and he was like. He killed. Oh, my God. It was funny in retrospect. Made him pink and red. I was going to kill him, he was so pink. Well, that's good. You can see what he's going to look like when he's 40. Oh, my God. Yeah. So I love that meal when it's made by other people. Yeah. So those are the. Those are my two. Those are my two mains. That's great. So can I have both of them? That's the cook, obviously. All I'm thinking about is out steam coming out of his ears also. So we've fallen. Stumbled into a bit of a trap here where Ed and I establish a running joke where you can do it infinite times. And all you need to do is do a different phrase before he eats it each time, and it's going to make us laugh. So I've got in for a penny, in for a pound, and for queen and country in my head. And if it was. Wasn't for the fact we're on a time limit, that would have carried on for half an hour. I had another boyfriend. Quite a few. Here we go. Next on the chopping block, step up. I had another one. Now, this one, who I won't name, was a proper. He was a bitch. He was a. I did this. Like, I think of him and I just think, what the fuck was I doing? Like everyone else, I'm like, good memories, some good times. But this one, I'm like, could have done without that. Stretch that fucking out. However, after a breakup, I tend to go, okay, what am I gonna leave with? What's like, one thing that I take with me? Can I just check? Are you speaking as Susan now, or are you the character with dead husbands? This is me. I'm gonna be her. Yeah. My God, that's in about. That was about five Fucking minutes. I'm gonna be her. But no. So he was. He was a bitch. But I. He showed me this snack. So he was like, why does that sound dirty? There are a lot of innuendos in this episode, and when you draw out a sentence like that, it's gonna be dirty. Yeah, yeah, that's true. He showed me this. He showed me a snack, and it was this. So he was. We went out one night, we came in and he was like, oh, I want to show you, like, my favorite nighttime snack. I was like, babes. Yeah, go on him. By the way, may I say, oldest trick in the book. So he's like, right, so I'm just going to get some crackers. I was like, okay, all right. Get the crackers out. So, got some crackers. You love me crackers. And then he got. He sliced some cheese. Just cheddar. Just boring cheddar. And then he got ketchup. Yeah, that's why I'm not with him. And he put it on the cheese. I was like, literally, I was watching him going, fucking hell. Like, am I gonna have to put a pillow over his head? Or like, humanity? Is it down to me? Is this the moment where I'm like, I must stop this continuing? And then he put the other cracker on it. I was like, fucking hell, I don't love anyone this much. I don't. And then I ate it. It was fucking sick. Absolutely amethy. It was gorgeous. So crackers. Jacob's crackers. Slice of cheddar. Just a couple of slices. Ketchup. Bish bosh. Put it in your mouth. Gorgeous. That would be my side dish. Your dream side dish. Oh, I. I love this sound. You lot are amazing. You don't want to beat me up. And I love it. Your dream side dish is. Yeah. Crackers, cheddar and ketchup. Yeah. That was shown to you by, and I quote, a proper. Yeah. Yeah. You said you didn't take anything from this relationship, but that was the one thing. The one thing. That was the only thing. Thing I took. I mean, it's awful. Yes, it is awful. And he likes cheese boards. Yeah, yeah, I know. Yeah. And he hates the. So, like, I. I'm. I'm the last person who's now going to back you up on it. Cuz I hate cheese boards, so obviously I hate that. Yeah, of course. No, that's all right. I mean, has he got a name? Did he give it a little night? He strikes me as the kind of person who would give it a little cheeky Night. I'll give it a name. It's a Dari Lunchable is what it is. Oh, he was in his 50s as well. I know. Don't you think he's a. Yeah. Hang on. What? Suddenly I didn't give a about food anymore. You were going out with a guardian. Safeties. He was like, let me show you my favorite. Now you get the pillow thing. Jeez. Try that, Susan. Try that. But you'll have to be quiet, otherwise you'll wake mother again. You're not far off. Have you brought a girl home? Go to bed, Mama. You better not be up all night, Mary making dairyly lunchables. Mama, please. I'm a man now. Asleep. The big bed again. Not long. You're not far off. Wow. You're not far off. This guy. Have you suffered? Wait till you see this. It's going to blow your mind. Catch up. My many years on this planet, Susan learned many a thing. You probably haven't encountered this. I'll let you see how I make it. But don't tell anyone. It's a family secret. Eat under your hat, Susan. A Jacob's cream Cracker. The weakest cheddar imaginable. A suggestion of ketchup, and here's the twist. A second Jacob's cream cracker. You must remember we used to love this when we were children. Because when I was born, we were still in the back end of rationing. Oh, Christmas. Are you talking about the rationing again? I hope you haven't eaten all the crackers. Mother, please. You been in my nice cheese. Don't you be eating my nice cheese again. I'll come down there, give you help, I'll box your ears. Oh my God. That made every second of that year with that guy worth it. Thank you so much. Fuck it. Hell, mother. Probably that's the most I've laughed on the whole tour. Yes. Was hearing about Susan's boyfriends. Yes. Now obviously we've got a bit of toilet humor on the live episodes as well, just like we do on the recorded ones. Oh, this is recorded as well. Of course. Our PM Poo podcast was represented at the live shows too, is what Benito's written. And that was probably more concise than what I tried to say then. Just one name. John Robbins. John Robbins. Shitting yourself. Well, the next course you'll be glad to hear is the starter. Lovely. 40 minutes in. Oh, Jesus Christ. It actually is. Sorry, John. Go on. So the next Next course. Every year for the past sort of six or seven years, I've lived in Edinburgh. When I do the festival with George Egg Alexander, Brockingburg, Portugal. Race to that. Absolute race to it. I backed down. And people might know George Egg as the anarchist chef or snack hacker on YouTube. He's got a channel where he hacks snacks, stuff you can sort of do in your car, which appeals to me. Are all your friends your favorite YouTubers? To an extent. I do have a YouTube channel with Alex Horn. I do, but so he. Living with him in Edinburgh is just such a treat because AE's a wonderful guy, but also he's not just a brilliant chef, but he loves cooking and he gets excited about you tasting stuff and he likes presenting it to you. He's cooked me a six course meal in Edinburgh before. But what I would like to go for my starter is what we'd always have for breakfast together, which is George Eggs Cuppy egg on veggie haggis with a Kraft cheese slice, kismot, Mr. Naga sauce and a mocha pot coffee with evaporated milk. Sounds very nice. Sounds lovely. Does sound lovely. So I can talk you through it very quickly. Yes. Cuppy Egg, you butter the bottom of a mug, crack an egg into it, put it in the microwave for about 45 seconds. It makes a perfect poached egg, but buttery. He puts that on the top of vegetarian haggis, which he sliced into a circle that's been fried. Between those is a Kraft cheese slice. And then we went for a curry in Kismot in Edinburgh and the hot sauce was so nice that we asked if we could take some home with us. So they put it in a little plastic pot and it was so delicious that if you just dip the end of a fork tine into it and dip a bit of the oil off, it's just wonderful on poached eggs or on cheese, like melted cheese. So we'd have that for breakfast and make a little coffee in Georgia's Got like an espresso sized mocha pot and you mix it with evaporated milk and it's just sweet and it's like a sort of shot of sweet coffee. Goodness. And that will remind me of wonderful mornings in Edinburgh with my dear friends tasting wonderful food. Yes, please, that's lovely, John. And George Egg is a magnificent chef, so I imagine that tastes very nice. I think a few people in here might try that cup of egg. That sounds like something that he's. Well, the Cuppy egg is on his YouTube channel, so you can find out how to make Cuppy egg, but also that Naga sauce. You can Buy. If I mention, like stuff you can buy, does it fucking ruin it for those suppliers because they suddenly have a billion orders? No, you're gonna get some for free. Yeah, the audience get them for free. No, you will. Not the audience. But it will turn up on your doorstep probably before you've even got home tonight. Well, I don't need any. Cause I've got some. Yeah, well, bad luck you're getting some. But anyway, if you want that delicious chili sauce, it's called Mr. Naga and it's basically like sort of. It's oil with sort of crushed chilies, but it is fucking delicious. But do use with caution, for Christ's sake. It will bite you on the ass. Both literally and in a very horrible way, metaphorically. You've had a few nightmares over the years, haven't you, with stuff like that? Having a few close shaves? Yeah, things like that. But I haven't actually shipped myself since 2002. Not true. No, it's not true. Oh, okay. Yeah, but there is no need to. I'd forgotten about that. Just lying. Just lying, John. Throwing years around so confidently. I guess, in a way, does that count? As in yourself, that story? I mean, obviously I'm on the cusp of just describing it. Yeah. I never had that combination again of neck oil and bang bang cauliflower with Frank's extra hot wings sauce. It was a fucking car crash. Just saying that out loud. Of course. No one should have that. Yeah, I know. Well, I didn't know that. Bang bang cauliflower, which sounds. Sounds like a metaphor for shitting yourself. Oh no, I've done a bang bang cauliflower in my pants. Do you want to quickly run through the story? Oh, God. I had. I had neck oil and bang bang cauliflower and it was just. I was going through a bad period with my guts anyway, drinking quite a. It was drinking quite a lot. The cauliflower and the batter was a mistake. The sauce was just arrogant. And I was in a. I was in a situation where I couldn't fart freely. So I. I don't. For me, that situation has never existed. Oh, come on. It was. What time in the morning was it? It was. It would have been like 1:32,130. And you were at the time in a relationship and didn't want to fart in front of them even though they were asleep. That's as much as I would like to say about that. You're a gentleman. Yeah. Oh, actually, yeah, I was a gentleman. What do gentlemen do in that situation? They don't fart in the bed. They don't fart in the bed. They go downstairs, try to fart in some kitchen roll and themselves. Have you not read any etiquette guides? My favorite thing about that is I understand going downstairs. I get that. I'll go in another room and I'll fart. But then going, I need some sort of muffler. I thought it would deaden the sound. It actually turned out to be a masterstroke. Our guests are. Here we go. This is, this is the point where the categories get really. I can't believe. I can't believe that this is a category. Okay, I get what I got. I get it now. Our guests had plenty of wild stories. Like wild animals, nature. Is that what you meant? No, it's not what you meant. He just meant. I just saw that a few. A couple of them are about animals. I assume they all were. Sam Campbell, Lucy Beaumont, Joe Wilkinson, Lucy Beaumont again and Sam Campbell again. I'd say the. The key is just don't turn up the heat too high. You've got to low and slow. With caramelized onions, it's going to take way longer than you think it. Is it one of these things some people are talking about, things that take 12 hours to cook is that. I think it's real. But not onions. They wouldn't. I'd say you're looking at half an hour plus. But I wouldn't. Don't cook an onion for 12 hours, whatever you do. How low would you have to go heat wise to cook them for 12 hours and then they still how you want them. You could put them in the oven, I reckon overnight on a very, very low heat. And it would. I mean it probably wouldn't caramelize them, but it would bake. It would bake it overnight. Do that with tomatoes, man. You do little tomatoes in the oven, you're essentially drying them out in the oven overnight. Overnight. Pretty cool. I wouldn't be able to sleep. I wouldn't. You wouldn't be able to sleep. I think the house is going to catch fire. Oh, right, yeah. I thought you meant you'd be so excited about doing tomorrow. No. Well, maybe. I don't know. But like, I think getting up, you keep looking through the. It's like Christmas. Yeah, it is a bit. My wife used to share a flat with someone. He's a lovely man. It's still a very good friend. But the first night she was sharing a flat with him, she was like weirded out. She was in a new place or whatever. She got up in the middle of the night to get a glass of water. About 3, 4 in the morning, she came into the kitchen and all of the lights were off, but he was stood in front of the oven and the light from the oven was just lighting him, and he was. He was baking a cake. Four in the morning, completely silently watching a cake bake. You respect that. Pretty late for a cake. So, yeah, I think half an hour to 45 minutes. What's the longest that someone has cooked something for and it still came out okay. Wow. Good luck, man. Good luck with this one. I guess like barbecue. Like Texas barbecue food. You probably cook that for, you know, 15, 16 hours, sometimes with, like, a brisket or pulled pork. Wasn't there something that was cooking for a thousand years? Is that one of my. Why are you asking questions? You've already got the answers to them. No, I thought he would know. You're like. You mean like in. I think there's a temple in Japan somewhere where they've. It might be in Japan. Apologies if I'm wrong, but they've got, like, a soup that's been cooking for, like, hundreds or thousands of years. Do they ever dip into it? Yeah, I think they. No one. They haven't had any yet. I hope it's good, but I think that's like. They're adding to it all the time. So there's like, bits that have been there for that long. Like a sourdough starter. You know a sourdough starter, you're just adding to it. Didn't someone do that with a rock and it was a trick? No, I think you're right. I think it might be a fable or something. A stone soup. Yeah. Do you know about this? Oh, the stone soup fable. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know this one? Yeah, yeah, they keep. Yeah. So this guy, he's got like a. Okay, that's not how fables starts. We don't know how Australian fables. And then there's other things. Most Australian fables could start off with this guy or this sheila. Yeah. There was this fella, and pretty much all he had was a rock. That's all he's got. Somehow ends up with an incredible meal. Hell, here's what he did. He went. So basically he goes, oh, my God, we're making this amazing soup. Everyone's got to contribute something. I've got this rock. What have you got? Someone's like, I've got some amazing type of food. Ham. Ham. I've got some celery. Celery, basically, Everyone in the community contributes one thing and at the end of it, he's got this amazing soup. He goes, well, yeah, we've made this. And then he got to have some of it. I had forgot that fable. And, yeah, when you told her, I was like, oh, yeah, I like the way you told that fable, though, as if it was just something your friend told you. Can you tell. Can you do the tortoise and the hare for me? Basically, there was. This was a pretty huge race. I'd be surprised if you didn't hear about it. So, yeah, I think a lot of animals were involved. I'm actually not too sure about which other animals were in it. These two do tend to dominate the story. But, yeah, huge race. Everyone thinks the hare is gonna win. Everyone's like, man, you've got this in the bag, this is yours. And the turd tortoise. The tortoise is like, oh, do I even stand a chance? Should I even enter? His coach was like, you should do it, it is for charity. And, yeah, so, yeah, beautiful charity. And what charity, Sorry, what charity was the tortoise running for? Alopecia. Yeah, it affects tortoises quite badly. Yeah, it does. Well, they. Anyway, it is maybe important porte is to have a hair. Would you like crackers to start this? No, I don't want crackers either. I want. I want bread. Right, well. What the. What was that? I know, well, I just wondered why it was just Papa Dom's our bread. But I do want bread. But I do want fancy bread. What I want is. Do you know, Jackson, are you allowed to say actual names of things? Feel free. Yeah. It's nice to know you've listened to some episodes. Oh, no, I've listened to a lot. I just can't remember if they've. Yeah, you can say. Brad, you told us you listened to a lot of episodes. Yeah, in a row, didn't you? Yeah, yeah. Can you just tell us what happened? Why. Why you ended up listening to loads. Oh, yeah. You listened to quite a lot in a row, didn't you? More than you were anticipating. Yeah, I got. I got stuck behind a horse. God, it was a night. It's not yet funny to me. Do you know what I mean? This is only a few days ago. Yeah, it's bloody hot. There's a very large wood where I live and I couldn't get past the horse and if I'd have taken different turn off, I would have had to have gone a long way around, so I just walked behind it. Hang on, hang on. This is the second time I'm hearing this story, and this is the first time that I'm realizing you were on foot. Yeah, I didn't know that. I thought you were in a car on a road behind a horse. I didn't know you were in some enchanted woods walking. That sounds magical. Lucy. Yeah. How do you get stuck behind a horse on foot? Well, but I don't. I don't have a driver's license. But can't. Can't you walk around the horse? I didn't want to scare it. I just. I thought. What I was thinking, she'll note because there was a woman on the horse. I was thinking. I was thinking she'll notice me soon and she'll move to the side and let me go past. But I didn't feel comfortable with trying to take over the horse, and she just didn't for absolutely ages. And so I listened to quite a few podcasts. So how long would you say you were slowly walking behind this horse? I think two hours. It's a really big wood, so plenty of room to maybe. Yeah. And then finally she noticed me and she moved to the side. She let me pass. I was like, thank God for that. And then my shoelace came undone. I bent down to do it and just saw this fucking horse just go past. And then. So it happened again behind the horse for ages. She let me then again go past. And a guy said, come here, Lucy. So I went to him, and the horse overtook me. Hang on. And he was talking to his dog. He wasn't. He said, I'm talking to me dog love. I mean, it's consistent with what happens in a Toby carvery, isn't it? You hear, Lucy? Like, yeah. Oh, it was. I was so annoyed when I got home. I was like, it's just wasted my day. And then I've got to pick my child up from school. Like, the whole day is gone. I haven't got anything done. Being like, just looking at this horse's ass. Joe. Yeah. Did someone once have to do the Heimlich on you because you choked on some beetroot? Sorry, Beetroot. No, no. Yes, they did. That man is like. This is. It's not the man. We're giving him a wave. Yeah. He saved my life. He didn't save your life. Save your life. His friend, Kos Kush. Yeah. Where. Where's K? He's down. He's in my. I can tell you if I've got his phone number here. Is he in. So you exchanged. No, he's not in. So you exchanged numbers after. I could phone him, yeah. He saved your life. Can we get a bit of background on the story before you phone? Yeah. It's going to be a bit of a weird phone call if we don't know anything about it. Where were you? I was. I was in my house and I was. Hang on. I'm glad we got some more background on this story. What are you talking about? You're in your house. I'm always in my house. What do you mean? Yeah, but okay to keep telling the story. Why is me being in my house weird? Because you choked on beetroot. And then a man who I presume you didn't know before called Kourosh saved your fucking life. Yeah, I hardly ever look in the spare room to be fair, but that day I happened to pop in there and there he was. Now what happened? I was. I was cooking and as I was cooking I like to eat beetroot. Okay, pause before we carry on. Okay. There's a lot of pausing and asking. Yeah, yeah. The details are weirder than you think. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Why do we. Why is it beetroot your snack of choice when you're cooking? Some people drink red wine when they're cooking. Yeah, you eat. You eat beet slices of beetroot, preferably crinkle cup. Well that turned. That turned out to be your downfall on this day, isn't it? Whoa. Yeah, we'll get there. And I cuz when I. When I'm cooking I'm usually hungry. Yeah, that's unique. Yep. Yeah, I don't know, I've listened to your pod and I don't know, it's just some people do that as well. They cook when they're hungry. Paul Rudd. Yeah, that's really nice to follow that little. What? Shouting. So I was eating beetroot and quickly because I love the stuff and it suckered itself into my throat went. And I could no longer breathe. So I ran out into my garden. I looked at my other half and I thought she's not going to help because she was. She absolutely loved the book she was reading at the time. And I thought, I doubt she'd put that down. Yeah. Do you remember what the book was? I think, I think it was a Jackie Collins but I couldn't be sure. Was it Petra? She's in. She'll hate me saying that. So I thought what do I do? And I went a bit Matrix. I started to think for the first time in my life that's Matrix. That's what you Call going a bit matrix. Yeah. Suddenly you knew the appropriate term for a lamp. Tapped into something higher than myself here. And I picked up the pace. It was the fastest I've ever gone down my hallway and I ran outside and. So you went into the garden, looked at your partner, ran back inside again and out the front door. Yeah. And you got, like, just red just pouring down your beard, I'd imagine. Well, it. It wasn't because I'm. I'm very. Because I've eaten a lot of beetroot. I'm. I'm. I'm. I tend to be good at it. Yeah. It's just. Just this one time. Yeah. This is the one nearly killed you. Yeah. To be fair, there was not a drop on me, so I ran out. This is in Covid as well, so no one was about, so I thought just probably not the best idea. But matey would. Had broken all the rules and was out. And I was like, you can save my life, but I'm not happy about it. And I reported him later. He got four months and I was. He was a big lad. He's a big lad, isn't he? He's a big lad. He's about six. Well, very strong, muscular arms, if I remember right. And I was pointing at my throat and he went. And I was like, there's nothing else I can do here. And then I remember him saying, I can't. I can't do the. He said, I can't do the Heimlich. And I was, well, now you're gonna have to learn. So we both Googled. He had. He had better 5G than me. So he got. No. And then. So he just. He just picked me up like a rag doll and then. And then shook me. And then it shot out and hit the side of a car. I wasn't expecting to tell that. This is how the pod should start. And then you. And then you exchange numbers after that. Yes. I've got him down in my. In my phone as Lifesaver. Yeah, I know. What a guy. Do you tell him? I meant call him. Nah. Do you chat. Do you chat much with Lifesaver? Not as much as I should. Every time you're eating some beetroots, take a selfie of yourself. Yeah. Yeah. Guess what? I hope you're nearby. Yeah, I've got him as my emergency number now because he's. I've swapped him for my wife. Yeah. So, yeah, that happened. That's weird. Do you still eat beetroot? Yeah. Someone told me. I was talking to my neighbor about it the following day. And I was telling her, and she said, oh, have the friend of hers. And she had problems eating for, like, months. She had to go have therapy about it. I was eating a lot of food within four to five minutes. To the point, my missus, like, Christ, you don't learn. And I'd like them so I can have different. I'd like a few soups, judge. Who wants one soup? One type of soup? Most people. So you got all these Yorkshire puddings with the cottage pine. It's got a bit of. Have you had that before? Is that something you've had somewhere where they put the cottage pie in the Yorkshire puddings? Yeah. Okay. And the. The soup. And then you also want about the same size? Yeah, please. Yeah. In the Yorkshire puddings Again, soup in the Yorkshire puddings? Yeah, it's all in the little Yorkshire pudding. Do you want to take us through the soups that you want? I really like mushroom soup. Yeah, yeah, it's brilliant. So mushroom soup in one of them. Yeah. I had. I had an incident. Can I just check? I can't wait to hear. But I'm just going to check because we're 44 minutes in. Do you have an incident per soup? No. No. So just mushroom soup. I'd love to hear it. Do you know during lockdown that you know that nice bit where everyone was dying but it was sunny? I mean. Yeah, I do know the bit you mean. I'm gonna say if you say that in the future, sunny should come after the nice bit. The nice bit where it was sunny, but unfortunately everyone was dying. That's the order I do it in. Well, every morning I would open the curtains and I see on the lawn this little bed. And it was there every morning. And I was. Oh, hello. Like that. And I'd go downstairs. Oh, that little bed was there. And then one day I looked and it wasn't moving a lot. And so I went onto the lawn. It was a mushroom. I don't know what I'm going to do. I mean, I would say, obviously there's a lot to say about that. I think the fact that for days you mistook a mushroom for a bird and talked to it is pretty big news. Went downstairs every day when I saw the little bird. Yeah. Would tell. Would tell your husband, I saw the little bird again. But I would also say that story doesn't need the context of. Do you remember that bit in lockdown where everyone was. I don't think it needed that. I think it could have said that happened at Any point. Didn't need to know it was a lockdown. I didn't think it needed like in the background, just that knowledge that everyone was dying. Do you think you have a unique stink, Sam? As in my scent? Yeah. What do you have a natural scent that is unique to you? I do. I mean, you know, I live in a corporate new build these days. Yes. And it has a treadmill. I've been trying to run. I'm working my. I'm trying to run 10km every day. That's pretty good. And after that I do. And I often get lost in my building. Like I haven't really figured it out yet. I walk around. Are you run. Are you running on the treadmill or around the building for 10k? It's just a complicated building. I think they like. It's only at 30 capacity and it's getting. There's all. There's some weird stuff going on where I live. Like what sort of weird stuff? There's no lights in the gym, so I run in complete darkness. Are you supposed to be living in this building? Because to me it sounds like you've moved into like a show. A show property, you know, when they build the flats, first of all and they make. They deck some of them out with like folks furniture to show you what it would be like if you bought them. But it'll say opening in 2026. Have you just moved in? This explains why a lot of my flatmates are going to cut out people. No, it's real. It's the real deal. It's the real deal. Yeah. It's a 30% capacity. Yeah. Have you met everyone else who lives there? I've met a few and it's pet friendly. I don't have a pet, but I'm gonna. They're having soon the Meet the Pets event and I'm gonna, you know, they can't, they can't stop me from going to that. Yeah, yeah. After I run, I do, I do you stink? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Do you stink or do you. Yeah, I stink sometimes. Yeah. It's the Meet the Pets event. In a room that has lights. Or is it in complete darkness again and you have to feel the pet and guess which pet is. That's kind, isn't it? And that is so messed up. Imagine going to a fully in darkness meet the Pet event. Your mind, if you went to a fully in darkness meet the Pet event, what would be your favorite eel? That would be your favorite animal. To meet with it in the dark. To be with. To touch. To touch. In the dark would be an eel. Oh. I mean, this is. I would worry the lights would come up and no one's got an eel. And I know that you've worked so hard on this format and all the food stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But make this the whole show. It's darkness. It's pets in the darkness. This is nice. Yeah, yeah. Do you think you could identify different people's, like, what animals they were in the dark if you touched them? I think most of them, I'd go, okay, yeah, yeah. I'd struggle with some of the breeds. Yeah, sure. Yeah, yeah. Like, we think Jack Russell, but, you know, let's see. And then here's the twist. At the meeting. Pets in the dark event in your building. So all the pets are at one side of the room and you go and feel them, and the owners are at the other side of the room, and you have to feel them and then match them up with their pets. You could do that. What would be your technique of the way you'd figure out, sorry, I've just seen two people leave. It was me who did it. Sam, that's not on you, buddy. Imagine that's the point. Where are you going? We're gonna get. We need to grab the cockatiel. Wow. So, yeah, feeling a pet's texture and then matching. I don't know if I'd be good at matching the owner and the pet, but what would be. I mean, you're doing well on Taskmaster right now. You've won a few. Be good to that. Yeah. So, like, if that's a task, how are you? Am I allowed to speak to the pet? Yeah, that's the one you'd want to speak to, I guess. Yeah, yeah, you can speak to one of them and you've chosen the pet. Yeah, that is. Yeah, that's one of the rules is that you can either speak to the pet or the owner, but you can't speak to both of them. I think I know. Hold on. Can I change my answer? I will talk to the owner. But perhaps the wildest of them all, and the most popular was Tommy Tiernan in Dublin. Main course. Tommy, I'm not interested in that question, but I would like to talk now. My dream main course would be again, I'm not mad for. I'm not mad for meat. Yeah. I prefer not to eat meat. It's not a. I'm not a vegetarian or anything or. I don't buy this. I don't think you're actually eating a cow. Like, it was a cow. But it's fucking not a cow now. It won't be a cow tomorrow. It'll be something else tomorrow. I wouldn't eat a cow. I wouldn't have the nerve to go up to a cow and just start eating it. I wouldn't do that. Nobody would. I wouldn't even do it to like a chicken or. But once it's like what's on the plate is not the thing that was in the field. But I still don't. I would eat a chicken if it was somehow in the shape of a baby. I bet they could do that. I fucking bet they could do that. They could genetically not. It would still taste like chicken. But it would just be to see the other people in the restaurant going, what the fuck is he eating? Like you imagine. That would be quite easily done. Like a plump roast chicken lying on its back would not need that much work to look like a baby. Yeah. And people will be going, is he fucking. What the fuck? I think he's eating a baby. So let's just park that for the moment. Don't make that weird with any of your questions. Okay. Sorry, I've got nothing to add there. But I would be a big fan of roast potatoes. So I'd love. I love roast potatoes and like I said, very. A very simple taste when it comes to food. So roast potatoes doesn't matter how badly they're roasted. Overdone, underdone, rightly done. It almost even doesn't matter what's on them. Rosemary or salt. I was gonna say Maura. Sandra Trussa. I like to pull potatoes out of a lady. Who's this guy? Yeah. I like this. Puts him back in the genie bottle. I like him. Who is he? He's mad. He is. What was I talking about? Rose? Me. Roast potatoes. Yeah. So it doesn't matter. Goodbye to that guy. Doesn't matter what's on the potatoes as long as they're roasted and I love them. I'd almost eat them as all the time as everything. Like get up in the morning and just, you know, have two study on and then maybe just fucking skip lunch altogether and then in the evening have about seven and one going to bed. I fucking love roast potatoes. And I'd like when parsnips are roasted, little slivery kind of with the. Do you know when they're almost over roasted and they've this almost like this a tail, a little. Little wisp of something defiantly burnt but still parsnip y. Carrots. I do roast carrots. Sometimes they put A honey thing on. I fucking discovered this popcorn recently that has blown my mind chills. Have you heard of queues? You have to eat these before you go back to any cues, cues, cues. Well, this episode's gonna be released audio. I can't wait for all the tweets at Ben being like you've done a mad job editing this because you've clearly missed out a bit. He was talking about all the rice vegetables he likes and then you just hard cutting him talking about popcorn. So I think you were gonna have to go online. No, no, that is what carrots immediately. No, there is a link and the link is that kills do this new popcorn now. I only discovered it like two or three weeks ago. It's honey and sea salt popcorn. Like these people have nothing better to be doing than just thinking of to put on popcorn. It is delicious. So I would the. The carrots would have a kind of a honey. Do you know the carrots of a honey glaze on them? Yes. Sometimes I kind of like burnt food. Yep. I like, you know, food that's just. It's like annoyed at you. That's what burnt food, isn't it? Burnt food is kind of like fuck you, isn't it? Like when you're having rashers, like a good bit of the rasher can be all right. And then towards the end it's going nah, fuck you. So I like. My main course would be mainly veg, but if possible chicken in the shape of a baby. Now AT T Mobile get four 5G phones on us and four lines for $25 a line per month when you switch with eligible trade ins, all on America's largest 5G network. Minimum of 4 lines for $25 per line per month with auto pay discount using debit or bank account. $5 more per line without autopay plus taxes and fees and $10 device connection charge phones via 24 monthly bill credits for well qualified customers. Contact us before canceling entire account to continue bill credits or credit stop and balance on a required finance agreement too. Bill credits end if you pay off devices early. CT mobile.com over the last 75 years, over 10,000 chemicals have been introduced to our food supply. Yet the EU only allows 300 food additives. But at Thrive Market we bring our members the highest quality brands and restrict more than 1000 ingredients conventional grocery stores making the switch is easy with our Healthy Swaps scanner which finds better versions of all your favorite pantry snacking and home essentials without the added junk dyes and fillers. Plus it's all delivered straight to your door. So if you're looking to shop at a grocery store that actually cares about your health, go to thrivemarket.com podcast and you'll get 30% off your first order and a free gift. Oh, thank you, Tommy. So many complaints. My baby. The baby. Is that. Yeah. Hell, that's the most I laughed all tour, actually. I wish you could have turned bad. I've never eaten the baby. Here we go. This is my favorite category so far. Hell. But overall, the live tour was about having a laugh. Not for beneath. He'd be laugh once. What's he writing that down for? He didn't have a laugh the whole tour. He had a little smile when we were in the house. Yeah, a little smile whenever. Whenever things were going wrong for us. He had a little smile on his face. But overall, the live tour was about having a laugh. Matthew Bainton, Jessica Knappett, Mike Wozniak, Ian Sterling, Matthew Bainton, Jessica Nappers again, Mike Wozniak and Ellis James. Do you want to hear about the cachoeira, Pepe? I really do. Tell me. Tell me all. I do. I'd heard somewhere that it's like the test of a really good pasta chef is cacio e pepe. And I had no idea why. And I had never had it up to a point where I was in Los Angeles and it was the first time I'd been there, and I had like a quite sort of dispiriting week of meetings with people that were aimless and didn't lead to anything. And it was like the last day of this. And I came out of this meeting really, really, really early. And I had a car booked for like two hours later to take me to the airport. And I was like, oh, fuck, I've got nothing to do. And you can't walk anywhere in la or you can try, but it will just be you and homeless people. Everyone else is driving. But there was a restaurant, like, on the block. So I thought, oh, fuck it, I'll go in there. And Cacio e Pepe was on the menu. And I thought, oh, I've heard that sort of you find out if. If the chef's really good. And it was just amazing. And after that, it became a sort of thing of, like, anywhere where it was on the menu. I wanted it. Did the chefs know that you're testing them every time you order it? I mean, that's the case in any thing you order in a place, I suppose. So the general idea is I want to like it, I guess. I don't see my relationship with hospitality like that. That this chef better be on his fucking toes. It's exact day, chef. Yeah, true. I just, I. I kind of liked the story of it. Like, that's meant to be the one that you can. If you can nail that. Yeah, you can nail anything. And apparently it's all about the amount of, like, the lick, you know, the salty water that you've made the pasta in. You've got to reserve a bit of that broth. It's got to be just the right amount and just the right temperature. When you add the cheese, can't be too hot, can't be too much, it'll go watery. Too much, you know, not enough. And it's just going to be kind of thick and gloopy. Got to get it just right. And it's amazing if you do. Every time you've had a cacio Pepe in a restaurant, do you walk into the kitchen afterwards and go, you pass the test. You are the chef. I think on that occasion, the first one I'd had, I did actually say, can you tell the chef? That was incredible. That's good. I don't think I've ever done that, you know. Compliments to the chef. Please tell the chef. Now who's the asshole in the restaurant? They know. The thing is, when you guys go to a restaurant now, they must be thinking that you're like, you must be treated like food critics now. Is that true for you, James? Yes. Every time I go to say, especially if it's a dessert. Yeah. The place we went to today, the person came out, the chef and said, I listened to off menu. Thank you. He went, two tiramisu's. Actually, he said, we went to tiramisu. And my dad went, two, please. That's just reminded me of a time I was at a cafe with Ben Wilbond, who's the mother of the ghosts gang. Does he believe in ghosts? You'll have to ask him. And we ordered some food and the waitress, when she came over, put the plates in front of us and went, couple of tarts. And it was that on the edge that to this day it still comes up. Do you think she meant. Yeah, there was just momentary eye contact. Yeah, couple of tarts. She must just push it further and further every day. I think, I think she's trying to get. To clarify, we had ordered tarts. Yes, that's an important. I probably should have said that we had ordered tarts. She didn't put down cacio pepe and go, a couple of tarts. Go. A couple of tarts. Couple of fucking slacks. Did she mean to do that? We have a similar thing in my family that we still talk about because years ago we went to. We used to live in Banbury and we went back there as a family just to like, you know, old stomping ground. Went to this tea room, ordered a round of Bambury cakes, what Bambi's famous for. There's one lady working there, like oldest lady you've ever seen and she bought out all the Bambi cakes, more on a circular table. And she gave me her. And then my brother was the far end. So she went, she went, here's your bamboo cake. And then far edge so loud. And then like claimed it as well. So she went, hey, here's your Bambi cake. Pardon me. And is that now what you say when you. Yeah, here's your bamboo cake. It's still a thing in my household. Do you say it before you fart? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cuz also she was looking dead at him. Yeah, here's your bamboo cake. It was so disrespectful. My mom was like crying with laughter. She hadn't even left the table yet. Cuz she really slow old lady. Yeah. So she's still like doddering around to leave and my mom is streaming. I'm going to spend the rest of this conversation fixated on trying to fart. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You won't be the first guest. There's no. And there's no doubting what happened there. Like it's not like the couple of tarts that lady farted. She said excuse me and then she left the table. Yeah, yeah. There's no going. Yeah, fart. But no, but the analogy would be if she meant to say, here's your Banbury cake. Fart. If she meant to call it that. But this will be funny. Yeah. To say here's your bamboo cake and fart. And I'm guessing she didn't. Guessing that she didn't. We all just thought it was very funny. Apart from my dad. My dad was very straight faced and looking at us like there's nothing funny about this. Yeah. Because your dad can't focus on anything. If someone puts a fucking pudding down in front of you, it's like the cakes are here. It's a no laughing matter. Yeah, right. Every time there's a pause is the perfect. Yeah. You could just do a big fart now. No, I haven't got one. Give it time, man. Do it time. Feel free. Actually, if you want to know we sort of hacked the hell of family cooking, which is that we have pretty much the same meal on the same day every week. Yes. I'd say you've created a new hell. Okay, so tell me honestly if. If this sounds like hell and I don't mind if the answer is yes. Macaroni Monday. Jess, you just said it like you hate it. That was actually smug Jess. Oh, sorry, is this fat macaroni Monday or just normal macaroni you can have? No, it's little macaroni Mac and cheese. Yeah, Mac and cheese, Macaroni Monday. Are they all going to be alliterative? We tried Taco Tuesday. Yeah, obviously. Love Taco Tuesday. That's great. Yeah. What do you think Wednesday is? Oh, walnut whips. That's what you'd have in your house. Yeah. Walnut whip Wednesday. I'm like, it's alliterative. What can we do? Wensleydale Wednesday? No. Sounds like. Does anyone want to have a guess? Yeah. Wings. Wings. This is a great shout. Have you not thought about wings? No. Someone suggested Wellington. Wellington. A Wellington every week would be real. It's very labour intensive. A Wellington, Wellington a week. Wine. It's actually wedges. I don't know why. Smug Jess is back. Smug dress appears to live in an American bar. It's actually wedges. Mac and cheese tacos. Well, I have an American husband. Yeah. So yeah, we sort of do live in American. Playing pool and stuff. Tequila Thursdays was. No, I guess. Yes. You must keep going. You must keep going. We've got wedge Wednesday. So you have wedges every. Every Wednesday? Yeah. Yeah, it's sort of like we'll have like a meat thing. Well, basically we basically just have like meat and two veg, but meat and veg and wedge. Meat and veg and wedge. Yeah. So it doesn't. Wedges don't constitute the whole meal. No. But wedges will make an appearance. Yeah, we know that the wedge is going to make an appearance in there because it's Wednesday. Yeah. Even though the main. Every bit of the meal changes every week, it has to be served with wedges because it's Wednesday. But James, you don't understand until you have to cook for like people that don't really eat, you know, a six year old and a one year old. It's destroyed cooking for me. I mean, no offense to them or bread. Yeah. But you can't just. It's so hard to think, like, you know, you've been working all day and you just. The hardest part is thinking, what shall I make for tea. Yeah, but that's. I guess my point would be maybe make the main bit of the meal, the bit that repeats every week. And not the side. It won't be alliterative, Jade. I know that because you are still having to decide what you cook every Wednesday, aren't you? Yeah, Wednesdays. Actually. When Wednesdays come around, it's not great. Could you bring in wings maybe? Wings and wedges. Wings and wedges every Wednesday. That's actually a really good idea. Thank you. How's the one year old gonna deal with wings? Yeah, I feel like in Jessa's defence, you really set her up there. Yeah. You talked her into wings and then you went, haha, gotcha, motherfucker. There's a one year old in play. You forgot that. Well, I was just thinking, I don't know about one year olds, but I don't. Yeah, I can't imagine a one year old eating a wing. I can't imagine that. Rotating it. No, we're gonna. We're gonna be. Yeah, we're gonna be peeling the meat off the wing. Actually. She. She didn't eat chicken. Tricky. What's Thursday? Thursday. I'm interested to see if you've gone for a T sound or an F sound here. F. Well, because Thursday sounds. Sorry, said out loud. Said out loud. I hate to tell you this, it doesn't sound like that at all. Thursday. Yeah. You say Thursday wrong. Thursday. Yeah, Thursday. Thursday night. Thursday. Thursday. Okay. A th noise then. Yeah. Sorry. Well, yeah, okay. Well, I don't feel like that is being pinnacle. That is just. It just does start with a ph. Well, technically there's an R at the end of bastard. Bastard. Oh, no, but it's at the end. Well, I can't get you on that. You're saying it right. Bastard. He's wrong. It's thin crust Thursday. Okay. It's thin crust Thursday. That's great. Thin crust Thursday is great. Sorry, James Fincross. First. I would say fin crust Thursday. Yeah, I know you would. So we're sticking with the bar food, aren't we? Not on fish Friday. Fish Friday. That's very traditional. That's great. Yeah, that is traditional. Is it fish and chips, which sometimes it will be. Yeah. Yeah. Ever go. Ever go fish and wedges on Wednesday and then fish and wedges on Friday? Well, yeah, sometimes that has hit us, but we're magical, right? We're in the magical dining. So can I upgrade sparkling to sort of fizzy lifting water? Are we going like from Channeling Chocolate Factory? Yeah, please. Fizzy lifting water. Because presumably I'm just. I'm on my own in the restaurant. That's how I've always imagined. Whatever you want. Is that right? If you want that. If you want to be alone. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So why. Why does the fizzy lifting water directly tie into the fact you're alone? Because you don't want anyone else to experience the fizzy lifting water? Well, two reasons. One, there's, there's, like. I've got a bit of time to kill before, you know, the food comes. Right? Yeah. So if you've got a bit of time to kill, why not kill it flying? And secondly, there's. There's obviously, there's the. The indignity of how you descend with the fizzy lifting drink. And I'd rather. I'd rather that was in Primus. And we all know. We all know what happens when, exactly. When you do things like that. Yeah, it's a mess. Yeah. Yeah. But they burp, don't they? Yeah, they burp in the movie. Yeah, they burp in the book. I think it's. I think in the book, even a. I think an Oompa Loompa dies during the testing process. Do people remember that? There's a. I'm pretty sure an Oompa Loompa is accidentally. They haven't got the dose right. And they accidentally fire an Oompa Loompa into space. I don't know why all these Wokies have edited Roald Dahl. Kids would love that stuff. Wow. Is that right? I may have misremembered that the guy's been in space and it dies. He's. Well, I think he's presumed dead. Yeah. They don't come with the dead. Yeah. He's launched. He passes through outer orbit and then after. I think after that, it's. After that, your chances are slim. I mean, John Onca's a rich guy, isn't he? He's not going to spend any money on trying to get. He's already. Yeah, he's got a lot of overheads. Isn't he, though? That's the thing. It stacks up. Yeah. And what. And he always gave the impression that the Oompa Loompas were willing, but that's quite like. I'd quite like to see the Oompa Loompas sort of perspective on that situation. Do you think it'll be fun flying for the first time completely alone? Do you think it might be more fun to fly with other people? Your wife and children? Yeah. Yeah. Because Charlie Bucket's with It with his grandpa, isn't he? I did. The problem is I'm quite so risk averse generally in life. So I think if I was with my wife and children, I'd be worried about one of them sort of going off into an electricity pylon or something like that. Do you know what I mean? Or sort of finding their way into the wrong end of a Chinook. And I kind of. I think to go one, I'd. At least I'd go solo. I mean, I trust my wife. I mean, she's up to her. She's, you know, that's fine. Do you know what I mean? But it's nice to flesh out what's in your dream restaurant as well, Mike. We've got electricity pylons and a Chinook flying overhead. Yeah. Yeah. I very much imagined it on the sort of Wiltshire, sort of. Sort of armaments testing grounds, but revolving, right? It is revolving, yeah. Yeah, sure, yeah, of course. Great. You wouldn't want your grandfather to fly with you. What's that? Well, he. Charlie Bucket has his grandfather. All right. My grandfather. Well, he's long dead, my friend. Yeah, but. But this is the dream restaurant. The dream restaurant. We can bring him back to life. But it's not the necromancers restaurant, is it? Can be. I'm quite happy. I mean, I miss him, but I'm happy to let bygones be bygones. Yeah. That would be awful if you brought your granddad back to life and then he went immediately into the blades of a Chinook. It's so great to see you go. Oh, grandfather happens twice as well. That's two rotor blades, coarse mincing and then a fine mincing immediately afterwards. There's no grandpa Tartar flung into the. Yeah, and then you're not getting sparkling water because I'm not a king. I've got a mate called and I remember what. I've never forgot it when we were at a stag do once when I was like, 24. Young marriage. It's ended now, obviously. I was gonna ask, how did it work out for the couple? Don't get mad. It's relevant to the story. I'd like to know if it ended in divorce or not. I feel like if we just sat here in silence and watched you. You just tell us every single secret. Yeah, you're. You're a journalist's dream. Yeah. Ian was telling us earlier that he's got to do promo for his tour, like we all do. And now we're having this interview with you. I think you should have a PR person in the room with you while you're doing the interview because literally all they have to do is ask you one question to sit back and you'll have yourself cancelled in five minutes. Now, I hate to break it to you, but after BBC leads three years ago, that is what happens. His name. His name's. No, wait, no, wait. It doesn't matter about his surname. Is this the groom? That was the groom, yeah. He got married at 24 and he said he got married too young. And everyone's presents were shite because they were skin. That's why you shouldn't get married when you're young. Anyway, the point I'm trying to make is we're at the stag do and the couple next to us ordered sparkling water and then my friend. My friend said his name's changed. No, this is. Another person is coming up, I guess does something. Yeah, but there's you so far at the table, right? It's a young stag. Lords of people. That's the one benefit of getting married young is loads of people come to the stag. You got loads of mates, so we've got you. Who. Who else have we got on the stag? Was there, obviously. How old? Yeah, well, mate, he's fair watch for. Actually, I can't sit. No, no way. No. Can we actually take that out? Yeah, sure. Can we actually take that out? Don't complete that sentence in your head. Yeah, that's what we can. We can take it out. The recording, Ian. But you do know these. No, no, they're fine. They'll forget. You know we don't have a Men in Black machine. We can't. Oh, wish so bad we had men in Black machines. So there's loads of other juman to go for everyone. Yeah, English one, but he's ginger, so it's allowed. So, right, final. He was a. He's self employed now, but because he went on a stag D but then he stayed in Mo Marbella for a week after and they sacked him. Is this a different stag dude or the same one? That's a different one. Yeah. Different one. That wasn't even massive. It wasn't this one. I didn't even know that one. That was a friend of a friend. It's amazing that storytelling is essentially your career, Ian, because I'm more one liner voiceover out of sight these days. So let's come sees that the couple. It's not worth it. Long story short, trust me, this has been worth it. Got annoyed that they'd ordered sparkling water. Yes. Yeah. And they said, what? What is nice about that? And he went, I don't know. I can't put my finger on it. Just annoys me. And then that's when my friend said, yeah, I bet they go on holiday in Dubai. And so not worth it. Brilliant. So now every time I see someone drinking Sparkle more, I think, I bet you go on holiday in Dubai also. I just love that we heard about so much other stuff and the story you've chosen is probably the least interesting night out you and your friends have ever had. We've had some mad ones, like, but this was just so much. I still love it. And every time I see an Ethiopian stall, I'm just there. There was a period we were writing Ghosts and we were right next to a place where there were food stalls and I just had it every day and never got tired of it. But I would love to not have ever tasted it before. Can I ask a technical question about this? Yeah. So we can definitely do that. I think Genie can do that. You can make sure you've never tasted it before. Hence erasing your memory of ever eating the Ethiopian food. Yeah. So how are you picking it for your dream menu if you can't remember it? Wow. I'm gonna tattoo it on my body. Yeah. Pick Ethiopian. And you think. You think you can interpret that message? I think I just pick Ethiopian food on the off menu. On off. The off menu podcast. Yeah. For your main. Yes. I mean, it's probably more of a back piece. Yeah. I mean, well, I don't really need. I just ordered it, didn't I? And then I erase your memory after doing Men in Black. Yeah. So, yeah, I've ordered it up front. And then when the food comes, you erase my memories. So when the food comes, you go, what the fuck is that? Yeah. Wow, the smell. I go, what's that? It smells amazing. And then I eat it for the first time and I'm in heaven. Thank you very much. I'm going to be sneaky, though. When I erase your memory of the Ethiopia food. I'm also going to make it so you don't know who your kids are fucking. Didn't say he wasn't an evil genie. Now, I've listened to this podcast quite a lot. I've not known the genie to do that sort of thing. I'm mischievous sometimes. Yeah. I think I'll remember them from the bread course, maybe. Well, yeah, Start this. You said genies don't exist, so now I'm. I'm showing I'm teaching you a lesson. Better be some good Ethiopian food, man. Yeah. Here's the thing, though. What you've said about Ethiopian food, I relate to 100%. It's so amazing. It's incredible. I've never had a bad version of it, ever. Every time I see the Ethiopian restaurant, it's always that good. Yeah. And the first time I had it, it was, like, mind blowing. Yeah. I was in Ambition Amsterdam. My friend took me there, like, this place on the corner. And I remember, like, having it being like, well, this is all I'm gonna want now, from now on. It's so good. I don't know what it is. I think I just, like. There are foods that I'd had before that resemble some of those dishes, but the spice, the combination of spices is different. And it's. I just love it. The bread's wild as well. Yeah. Spongy, slightly sour bread. Yeah. Everything on top of the bread, like the. Yeah. Because I've seen it in restaurants where you just get a massive bit of bread and everyone is sitting around the bread and you all get involved. And then, I mean, that stresses me out in terms of sharing. If I'm doing that, I'm eating as quickly as possible to get to the middle of the bread. I'm like, just taking stuff from my plate. You don't like to share. Do you want to order your own? It's good food for a date as well, because you eat the bread, you go in. It's like lady in the Tramp, but you just don't up shaking hands. We're not gonna go there, are we? Ed's managers on the rocks. A lovely, great meal. Thank you. So take us through what's actually on there. Well, part of the thing for me, this is probably an awful confession of ignorance, but I just love that I don't really. This is the other thing I like. One of the things I like to do when I go out is order food that I can't make. Yeah. And this is definitely in that category because I couldn't even tell you what the fuck any of it is. Yeah. Again with. You don't know what any of it is. There are, like, lentil based. Yeah. Stew type things. Is that a what? Is that a what? Is that a what? Europe. There's definitely something called what? What? I think you're thinking. Yeah, yeah. Something called. There's something called. And the bread is called injera. I know that. Yeah. We really have erased your memory of it, haven't we? After. After that I don't know. There's a cabbagey thing. That's incredible. Yeah, it's just all nice stuff. I should have probably learned a bit about it when I was preparing to pick it for a live podcast at the Royal Albert. Oh, deep side dish. Matt, this is gonna be chips. Do you want me to erase your memories? You don't know what chips are. No, but I'd like you to reinstate the memory of my two dear kids. Here's the thing. I'm gonna do that. But unbeknownst to you, I'm gonna put two other people's kids in your head. You'll think they're your kids. If you want to give some honorable mentions. You gave a lot of shout outs to different breads earlier. Feel free to give a shout out because no offense to the other drinks, of course. So, yeah, I don't want to offend any of the other drinks. Give them some shout outs. I never shouted out the bread that I've been making. No. Is anyone else doing Zoe? Yes, but don't tell the wife. Good stuff. The thing is, you're a palladium man. You're a great comedian and everyone's like, oh, James is so interesting. He does like new types of comedy, but that is what you're good at. Proper comedy, old musical stuff, music hall stuff. It's just a bit sexist, but in a fun way. Yes, well, most sexism is fun. Yeah. No, I've ended up. I'm the one who's clickbait now. So, Zoe, are you talking about the patch in your arm that tells you how your body reacts to different foods? So you can then change your diet based on the spike in the blood sugar levels that you get from certain foods. Tell me, Jess, did you miss being diabetic? Because I'm fucking fed up of this Zoe shit. These fake ass diabetics. It is stealing the thunder of the diabetics. I'm not suggesting that I have any thunder from being diabetic, but it's quite difficult to maintain a blood sugar level as a diabetic. And I would argue that as a non diabetic, you don't need a Zoe pack because you have what I like to call a working fucking pancreas. I agree with Ed because I'm an ally. Are you doing Zoe? The thing is, Ed, as someone who had gestational diabetes. I don't have gestational diabetes. No. Is that when it's just in your hands? That is brilliant. I've got some diabetic gigs. I Can book you for with that. With that sort of stuff, man. I've got 10 seconds of material go down the storm. I don't think the catering will be what you're normally excited for, but yeah. Yes, you have had gestational diabetes. No, there's no point now, is there? That's as good as it's gonna get. But you are doing. Are you doing Zoe? Well, because there's a thing where it's like, did you get the diabetes? Because you are a bit more prone to it. And then you're gonna get it or, you know, did you get it and it's gone forever. You know, there is. Was it the pregnancy that made you a bit diabetic? Were you always. You stopped gesturing to me when you asked about pregnancy. Not pregnant. It's just the way I'm sat. Anyway, I was just. I was curious and I did it and it did say I've got bad blood sugar. Poor blood sugar. Right. Based on what you're eating. Based on. Yes. But even, like, I don't. Despite what I've just described, I don't actually just go to McDonald's all the time. Only some of the time. And I think I am quite a healthy eater generally. But what I've realized is there's, you know, there's loads of stuff that I thought was healthy that isn't, and I now don't eat it as much. Cause of that. But bread is one of them. Yes. Bread will spike blood sugar levels. Yeah. So there's this amazing bread. Oh, God. Yeah. I cannot believe I'm talking about this, actually. Please. Especially during the drink course. This is a regressive shout out. You've gone back now. We've gone back to China and back to bread. It's just that it's really. It really has been a revelation and I love it so much. Yeah, yeah. The bread you've made. The bread you've made. The bread is. It's made out of seeds and it's only made out. It's just seeds. Ed and James. Just nice to be included, I guess. It's seeds. It's psyllium husk chia seeds. PP paid Oppenheimer, didn't he? Oh, my. What is it? It's the fucking. Is this. Is this the spirit of Brucie? His ashes are down there if you want. What the joke is, are they. They're under the. Forsythe's ashes are under the stage. Did you not know that? Bruce Forsythe sashers are under this stage? What? Yeah, that is true. People don't know that. That. You can Google that. Yeah, that's true. That is true, yes. Really? You keep on saying they were put there by request. It's not how he died. It wasn't trapped under the. He was burned to death below the stage at the London podium. Fucking love me out. That didn't happen. He died. He was cremated and he wanted to be under the stage of the Palladiums. It meant a lot to him. So that's why I'm coming up with this. That's why James is on good form. Absolutely brilliant gear right now. So. Seeds. Psyllium husks. Yeah. Look, anyway, let's just crack on, shall we? Okay. Your dream main course, Mike, this is quite tricky. Oh, I bet it is. But it does need some genie help. Oh, yeah. Be nice for you to finally use the genie in this meal, Mike. Well, I've got a backup dish if required. There's a backup dish, but the main dish is. I want what they're having, please. What I mean by that is when I do, I don't go out to restaurants very often and I do have a nice little time and I try and be a good boy. And I try and be. You try and be a good boy. I try and be a good brave boy. And I try and, you know, it's important to try new things. Yes. So, you know, if there's something, I don't know what it is, I'll normally, I'll give it a go, that kind of stuff, and I'll. I'll make the order and I think, great, okay, we'll have a little experiment, see what that is. You know, we'll just. You know, we'll just. I'm quite happy to buy a pig and a poke, basically, when it comes to restaurant. What? I'm quite happy to buy a pig and a poke. A pig and a poke. A pig and a poke. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. But I'll order. Hang on. Well, I just assume it's a phrase. Well, yeah, but. What? What? It's a well established phrase. No, thank you, Mom. That's five people in 2000. Like buying a pig in a poke. Just repeat the phrase. By all means, Mike. So normally you don't want to buy a pig in a poke. It's how it would normally be used, Mike. We do not know what a pig in a poke is. What is a pig in a poke? Well, the pig. Pig stand standard. Pig. Pig is the pig. Got it. Not your cat? No. Who's called pig? Who's called pig? A pig yes. And a poker I think was like a sort of bag or something. So it'd be the idea of buying a pig. So in a bag in ye olden times. Yeah, I see. It must have been, it must have been a problem at some stage where pigmongers were going around the place door to door and saying, do you want to buy a pig? Yeah, I'm interested in a pig. How much for the pig fiver? Here you go. It's in this poke. And then they'd give you the poke, you know, which had some weight to it. And you get in and you open up your poke thinking, oh, great, we've got a pig now. That's great news. And there'd just be, you know, rocks. Rocks. There'd be rocks. There'd be some wet straw. A third example, please. A broken pallet of cereal bars. But there would be no be no pig. And the, the pig salesman would be long, long gone. So the advice would be, don't buy a pick in a poke. It's a cautionary tale. It would have been a cautionary tale and another cautionary tale that eventually became, you know, an idiom. But you're using the idiom to say you do want to buy a pick in a poke. I am assuming that advice. Yeah. Yeah. But you're comparing this to being in a restaurant. Yeah. And while you're in a restaurant, you will buy a pig in a poke. So you will order something knowing that it is not what it says it is on the menu, and then it's a plate of wet straw. I'm willing to take that risk. Yes. And I would also take the risk of if there was a main course where it was just, you know, mystery punk. You know, Mike is pronounced Pokemon. Okay, okay. Mystery bag of food. Then I'd probably go, I'll go for the mystery bag of food, please. So you're just. Yeah, okay, I get it now. You mean you'll just roll the dice. I want to be surprised. I wish to be surprised, normally. But you don't want to be tricked by the pigmonger. No, I mean in day to day life. No, but I mean, I'm willing to take the risk in a restaurant setting. I'm not going to be presented with a plate of wet straw. So. But the first thing he said was, your main course is you'll have what they're having. Yes. Even though you did specify at the beginning that you will be alone for this meal. That's true. But the there is what their had. What their had. I want Their had. You want what their had. I want what their had. Because inevitably, when I do order the thing, whatever the thing may be, enough time has passed that you can't change. But then, almost every time I go to a restaurant, five minutes after the time has passed to change your order, the kitchen doors are booted open. All of the staff have been corralled to deliver this dish to another table. And there are flames gushing from everywhere. Steam, smoke, sirens, everyone's oohing and someone breaks out into the national anthem. It's that level of, like, the fuss, you know, the sort of burning griddle pans, people with special gloves. All this kind of stuff is happening. Trolleys, things are on wheels, things are coming down from the ceiling spaces, like tables being kicked over to make enough space for this extraordinary dish. And everyone's applauding. And that's. I mean, I want that. What's that? Yeah, this is your starter, but you don't think it represents who you are necessarily. Salmon sashimi with pickled ginger. I thought for a long time about barbecue spare ribs from a Chinese restaurant, because that is one of those meals that when the spare ribs come out, you're like, we're having a good time now. But you have said that about every food we've talked about. Yes, that is true. I love Rocket. So I was thinking of, like, Rocket and Grand Padano cheese, maybe just Rocket. I love Rocket. Yeah. They have it on its own, but to be honest, love Rocket. Sounds like a name for a dick or something. What I really want, as much as I like sashimi, salmon sashimi and ginger, what I really want want is like, a big plate of sausages, but for the table, that is. That's it. Yeah. You came alive when you said that. Yeah. This savage has seen me. Yeah. Big plate of sausages. You clearly want a big plate of sausages. We were in. Have you ever been to Betty's Tea Rooms in Yorkshire? Popular. I've never been. You've never been? Have you ever been? Yeah. In where? In. There's four of them. There's. Is it. Was there one in Harrogate or something? There's one in Har. Yeah, I've been to the Har one. There's one in Ilkley, North Alton. I can't remember. The York, maybe. York, Right. They're all in Yorkshire. Yeah, they're all. Yeah, that's the county. It's. Big fan of your puddings in Yorkshire. It's like. Not everyone is. It's like a. It's. It's a 45 minute wait to get in. Yeah. And it's been there since about 1911. So the waiters and waitresses are dressed like it's just before the First World War. So you love it, obviously. Yeah, absolutely. You're dressed as a baby scooping the middle out of a baguette. I was there at the weekend and my daughter had sausage, beans and chips and I finished her sausages because she'd finished. I mean, I wasn't. Look over there. Yoink. Yeah, yeah. No, it was like. Well, I paid for them, so technically they're mine. It was none of that. But they were really nice sausages. And after the second or third bite, I just thought to myself, why am I not eating these three times a day every day? And then I thought, all right, then I'll mention that for my starter, a big plate of sausages. So what kind of sausages are these? Because there's a lot of different types of sausages. But is it bog standard, straightforward bangers? Bog standard sausages? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I like, I will eat a sort of pork and leek, but really it's like a Cumberland sausage. The kind you would buy in a news agent. Yeah, yeah, yeah, News agent sausages. But they cooked to perfection. Oh, yeah. So dark, dark brown, like in, like in Fireman Sam, you know when Elvis is burning the sausages just before the point he's at. Yeah, there. Those are the sausages I want on a big plate, but it's for the table. And do you want any saucer? Does that get in the way of the sausages? Ketchup. Yeah. So ketchup. But did you say Fireman Sam was making them or did I mishear that in the. In the original opening credit. Original opening titles, Elvis, who's very bad at cooking, is trying to fry some sausages and he's burnt them. Yeah, but he's actually not burnt them drastically. He's. He's not far off. Yeah. So I used to think to myself, he's actually a minute less. And he's basically made perfect sausages there. So I want a minute less than Elvis and Fireman Sam sausages for the table. But do you want. Do you want Elvis to cook them? Elvis cooking. Do you want Elvis and Fireman Sam to cook them for your dreams? Well, I think he'll. He'll fuck them up, won't he? So I, I want him to be there so we can learn. But then for someone with a steady hand on the tiller to go, no, no, no, no, no, no. Now's that. Take them off now. Was your daughter excited that you were doing. Doing this podcast? Oh, yeah, I forgot about this. I told her yesterday. How old's your daughter? She's nine. I said, I'm doing quite a big show tomorrow night. Do you know? Yeah. I said, yeah, I'm doing a live podcast with Ed Gamble and James Acaster. And she went, Ed Campbell. I said, and she's met James lots of times. Right? I don't think she's met. I don't think you've met. No, not properly, no. She went, ed Gamble? I said, yeah. She went, ed Gamble. I said, yeah. She went, oh, my God. Everyone at Brownies has got a crush on Ed G. Everyone at Brownies. I said. I said. I said, what about James Aaster? She went, oh, he's been mentioned. Well, you didn't tell us that earlier. He's. He's been mentioned. Mentioned. Good to know. I'm in the conversation. You're part of the conversation because she went on a Brownie camp, but her tent flooded, so she. She had. She was put in with much, much older Brownies. Yeah. And they just talked about. She said it was boring. They just talked about sex and crushes and Ed Gamble. I love that you said they were much older Brownies. As if that makes it any better. Don't worry. They were much older Brownies. But you're part of the conversation, James. Yeah. Yeah. You are absolutely part of the conversation. I'm part of the. Yeah, they're talking about it, but they're waiting for their T to be put back up. Yeah. I don't. Anyone here fancy James a caster? Let's move on, man. I absolutely love the Brownies having a crush on you. Yes. Yes. It's so funny. Very funny. You were in the conversation. I remember that. I was in the conversation. Much appreciated. That's pretty much it for 2024, Ed. We'll be back in the new year with a new series and perhaps some more surprises. Who knows? And listen, if you come into the London Palladium shows in March, we can't wait to see you there. We'd like to leave you with an important message from Lucy Beaumont. Here's her gravy manifesto. Because I really like, like, real deep, savory flavor. Like, I re. I'm really, really like gravy. No respect. What. What's happened? What did I do? What did I say? What you do? No, you're fine. You just absolutely fine. No, we're. We're very happy with. With your love of gravy. Yeah, it's a troublemaker. What's gone on? It was the first half tried to suggest that the secret ingredient that would get you kicked out the restaurant should be gravy. We overruled it. We overruled it. It's not the booze. You should have heard the booze in here. Oh, I bet we snarvin. Yeah. No, but the thing is, since we've had Atari government in power, I can't even think what that cheers for. Yeah. You don't even know where this is going. She might be about to say, the gravy's got much better. No, that's. No, what I mean is, if you've noticed, gravy's got worse. That true? That's what Andy Burnham says as his whole campaign. Yeah, the change of pace there almost made my neck snap. That was. Yeah. Now, Lucy, I'm not no fan of the Tory guff government myself, but I would be interested to hear how and why you think the gravy's got worse under the current government. Because gravy's love and. Hang on, guys. This is a problem. This is why the left's never going to get back on top. If we keep just applauding platitudes like gravy's love. This might fly in Toby Carver. So gravy's love and people don't care anymore. Who are we talking about specifically? No, because. Because we've been made to believe there's no such thing as society. Right. Anymore. Yeah. We've lost some important morals and one of them is making gravy. But gravy, in the good Blair years, before we go, before we're talking pre. Ir, before we were here, we go in those ones where it makes Things can only get better. The elections and the beginning ones. The first few years I can remember, you'd go places and gravy was like nectar. No, it was. No, because it wasn't. Now it's something. And it's about pride, because now it's just. It's just mostly packet gravy. And what they used to do is they made the gravy. Get this. Weeks before they made the Sunday dinner. And just mean at home. I mean, anywhere you went, anywhere we went, anywhere you went. The stock would be made weeks in advance and they would put. Awful. Not awful. They would put things in it that would condense down and down over time. Yeah, but now you're saying because of the Tory government, the Italians. Okay. No, the Italians still no. Listen, when they. Oh, I'm Listening. When they make a tomato sauce. Yeah. They don't get it out of a packet. No. Famously left wing government as well. But I don't mean that's not politic. What I mean is we need to take pride in gravy again. Yeah, that's a good point to end on for sure. We do need to take pride in gravy again. Yeah. Can't wait to see Lucy at the next Pride match on a gravy float. So, Lucy, I hate to push you. Come on. If he cut me, do I not bleed? I hate to push you. 40 minutes in, but what's your starter? Jesus Christ. It is 40 minutes. Oh, God, I'm so sorry. Don't you be sorry. That. No, that grave. That gravy monologue. Manifesto. Manifesto. I will. That will be. Manifesto, Manifesto. The gravy manifesto. The gravy. Manabisto. I will Mana Bisto. I get the feeling that when I'm very, very old and maybe I have dementia, that will be one of the only things. So good, so good, so good. Amazing deals on activewear for all the ways you move are at Nordstrom Rack stores now. How did I not know Rack has Adidas? Oh, I love these new Nikes. 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