Greg James

Summary

Off Menu Podcast: Greg James

Release Date: October 1, 2025
Hosts: Ed Gamble & James Acaster
Guest: Greg James (BBC Radio 1 Breakfast Host, Author: "All the Best for the Future")
Producer/Genie: Benito
Theme: Stellar Dream Meal Choices and Joyful Nonsense with National Treasure-in-the-Making Greg James

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Episode Overview

This episode welcomes broadcaster, author, and national treasure candidate Greg James into the dream restaurant. Ed and James traverse Greg’s formative influences (including the Chuckle Brothers), culinary quirks, the saga of the giant duck Longboy, and the emotional intricacies of growing up while staying young at heart. Amidst volleys of food chat and ridiculous anecdotes, Greg unveils his definitive dream meal—from the vital first tap water to a Parisian flan, with hearty detours through Italian indulgence and pop culture mayhem.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Greg’s Book & Staying True to Your 10-Year-Old Self (07:04–12:45)

• Greg's book "All the Best for the Future" is rooted in a Chuckle Brothers autograph he received as a child—a phrase both odd and endearing, which Greg connects to the idea of growing up without losing childhood passions.

  • Quote:

    "A reminder hopefully to stay true to your 10-year-old self because it's probably the stuff you loved when you were ten is probably the stuff you've kind of like now."
    — Greg James [09:30]

• Discussion about the Chuckle Brothers’ family dynamics and how comedy icons set people on weird career paths.

• On signing books: Balancing sincerity with signature fatigue—and the controversy of celebrity “dot” signatures, with Greg vowing to go above and beyond.

  • Quote:

    "All the best for the future. 7th onwards, it's just G. Kiss."
    — Greg James [13:22]

Memorable Moment:

Greg reconciles with a Chuckle Brother after 30 years, finding out his unique autograph was truly one-of-a-kind.

2. Live Shows and Performer Rituals (14:14–17:56)

• Riffing on Taylor Swift, Chris Martin, and Dolly Parton employing pre-programmed emotions at shows, and whether it feels authentic to crew and cynical observers.
  • Quote:

    "If I was part of that crew, every time she cried every night, I would turn to someone and go, 'Fucking sociopath.'"
    — James Acaster [17:16]

• The mechanics behind major stadium shows and the oddities of pop-star sincerity.

3. The Water Shame Debate (18:16–21:13)

• Greg passionately defends ordering tap water at restaurants, lamenting the sense of inadequacy when forced to request it.
  • Quote:

    "I do feel like there is a shame when they say still or sparkling. You say actually... tap is fine. But they make you feel like a third-class citizen."
    — Greg James [19:11]

• Tales of inventive surcharges on "filtered tap" and the social awkwardness that ensues.

4. First Encounters & Rice Antics (21:18–25:13)

• James recounts the strange tradition of gifting Greg rice at comedy gigs and radio shows, a running in-joke that Greg always forgets.
  • Quote:

    "That was it. Really sexy. Didn't torture you? ...A bowl of rice. Well, thanks for the rice."
    — James Acaster & Greg James [23:00]

5. Poppadoms: The Joyous Start of the Meal (26:22–29:35)

• Greg enthusiastically chooses poppadoms over bread, emphasizing the social thrill and “greatest hits” feeling at the start of a curry.
  • Quote:

    "The poppadom section of a curry night is the happiest that you can be at dinner if you're going out."
    — Greg James [26:40]

• Importance of the ritual: Carousel of dips, friends, argument about double-dipping.
• Rankings of dips: Lime pickle comes out top for Greg.

6. Starter: Marmite Cheese on a Crumpet (39:17–43:53)

• Greg admits his dream starter is humble: a grilled Marmite-and-cheese crumpet, crowned with proper salted French butter and a thick lash of Marmite.
  • Quote:

    "When push comes to shove, I think my favorite food might be Marmite."
    — Greg James [39:38]

• Strong opinions on Marmite culture, double-salt combos, and how the world divides into "lovers" and "haters" (with James deriding cliché Marmite opinions).

7. Main Course: Fettuccine Alfredo at Alfredo’s, Rome (46:45–53:36)

• Greg’s fantasy: The original fettuccine Alfredo from a legendary Roman institution, complete with butter, cream, cheese, and a gold leaf option (for pure tourist joy).
  • Quote:

    "A cheese-based life is a great life... that's how I like to live it."
    — Greg James [50:37]

• He recalls an evening so joyful he sang “White Christmas” post-pasta, “burping through” the song.
• Digression on the etymology of “arena” (Latin for sand).

8. Main-Side Hack: Pizza for the Table & Secret Steak (54:38–62:41)

• Greg dreams of both pasta and pizza—rejecting the “one or the other” rule learned as a child. His pick: a classic pepperoni & (controversially) hot honey pizza, or a simple margherita.
• Secret Steak: Greg (sometimes) eats steak in secret, as he lives with a mostly vegetarian partner—a confessional side dish to his meal.
  • Quote:

    "I'm sort of vegetarian by marriage."
    — Greg James [58:24]

9. Drink: Big Beefy Italian Red (65:07–68:18)

• Greg opts for a bountiful bottle of Brunello or Barolo—anything deep, Italian, and hearty—even if it leads straight to a night of Gaviscon recovery.
  • Quote:

    "A big bottle of red wine... just make until I'm sick. It's Barolo, it's your Brunello's, it's your Barolos, it's your Montepulciano."
    — Greg James [65:07]

  • Banter about wine taste, expensive preferences, and tales of giant glasses of mistaken sherry.

10. Dessert: Parisian Flan (77:32–80:01)

• For dessert, a supermarket-style “flan Parisien”: wobbly, ultra-eggy, vanilla, with cheap pastry—an overlooked French classic.

  • Quote:

    "It feels like it's been made by a machine but it's absolutely delicious... I could eat a whole slab."
    — Greg James [78:19]

• Praises wife Bella for her multi-year pursuit to bake the perfect homemade flan.

11. The Legend of Longboy (81:28–83:58)

• Greg and Ed finally address the saga of Longboy the duck—a beloved giant duck whose supposed fate intertwined with Ed’s appearance on “Great British Menu.”
  • Quote (reading from his own book):

    "There was a strong rumor that [Ed] ate Longboy on an episode of the Great British Menu. He has never denied this and in fact fanned the flames of it by saying he'd like to eat Pudsey from Children in Need. ...He's a fucking monster and isn't to be trusted. That said, I do really like his podcast Off Menu."
    — Greg James [83:34]

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Notable Quotes by Timestamp

• [09:30] Greg on Childhood:
  "A reminder hopefully to stay true to your 10-year-old self because it's probably the stuff you loved when you were ten that you've kind of like now."

• [19:11] Greg on Water Shame:
  "I do feel like there is a shame when they say still or sparkling. You say actually... tap is fine. But they make you feel like a third-class citizen."

• [23:00] James & Greg on Rice:
  "That was it. Really sexy. Didn't torture you? ...A bowl of rice. Well, thanks for the rice."

• [26:40] Greg on Poppadoms:
  "The poppadom section of a curry night is the happiest that you can be at dinner if you're going out."

• [39:38] Greg on Marmite:
  "When push comes to shove, I think my favorite food might be Marmite."

• [50:37] Greg on Life Philosophy:
  "A cheese-based life is a great life... that's how I like to live it."

• [58:24] Greg on Secret Steak:
  "I'm sort of vegetarian by marriage."

• [65:07] Greg on Wine:
  "A big bottle of red wine... just make until I'm sick. It's Barolo, it's your Brunello's, it's your Barolos, it's your Montepulciano."

• [78:19] Greg on Flan:
  "It feels like it's been made by a machine but it's absolutely delicious... I could eat a whole slab."

• [83:34] Greg (from the book) on Ed and Longboy:
  "There was a strong rumor that he ate Longboy on an episode of the Great British Menu. ...He’s a fucking monster and isn’t to be trusted. That said, I do really like his podcast Off Menu."

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Timestamps for Key Segments

| Segment | Timestamp | |--------------------------------------------|:----------:| | Book chat & Chuckle Brothers origin story | 07:04–12:45| | On big gigs and performer rituals | 14:14–17:56| | Water shame & restaurant rituals | 18:16–21:13| | First meeting & rice gifting | 21:18–25:13| | Poppadoms and the art of dipping | 26:22–29:35| | Starter: Marmite cheese crumpet | 39:17–43:53| | Main: Fettuccine Alfredo, Alfredo’s, Rome | 46:45–53:36| | Mains/side: Table pizza & secret steak | 54:38–62:41| | Dream drink: Italian red wine | 65:07–68:18| | Dream dessert: Flan Parisien | 77:32–80:01| | Longboy saga read from Greg’s book | 81:28–83:58|

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Menu: Greg James' Dream Meal

• Water: Tap (with pride, no shame)
• Poppadoms: For the "greatest hits" start; with classic dips—lime pickle, mango chutney, onion salad, raita.
• Starter: Marmite & cheese on grilled crumpet (thick layer, proper French butter)
• Main: Fettuccine Alfredo at Alfredo’s, Rome (with added tableside drama and—optionally—a useless gold leaf)
• Side(s):
  • Pizza for the Table (pepperoni + hot honey, possibly classic margherita too; ideally with friends/family)
  • Secret Steak (tagliata-style, eaten on the sly for the joy of pure red meat, often with Cousin Guy)
• Drink: Big bottle of Brunello or Barolo—it’s all about the hearty Italian reds (and probably a sneaky Gaviscon for survival)
• Dessert: Flan Parisien (“supermarket style”; vanilla, ultra-eggy, slightly wobbly, cheap pastry)

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Additional Highlights

• Serial Rice Gifts: The “bowl of rice” prank follows Greg from comedy gigs to radio shows.
• “Vegetarian by Marriage”: Navigating stealth omnivory in a mostly-veggie household.
• Longboy: The saga of the world’s tallest duck, industrial-level mourning, and Ed’s (satirical) carnivorous villainy.
• Bad Restaurant Jokes: Greg’s dad’s legendary pork belly pun (“That’s a bit rude”) and Bruce Forsyth’s hypothetical “Rice to meet you.”

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Tone & Style

• Signature Off Menu blend: Food obsession, heartfelt nostalgia, irreverent asides, silly running gags.
• Greg brings enthusiastic radio energy, occasionally admits to being “professionally nice”, and gleefully loses himself in stories.
• The hosts gently mock and prod, providing a playful, collaborative chaos that fits their “dream restaurant” conceit.
• Several discussions spiral into absurdity (Chuckle Brothers-tax-based sitcoms; Ed’s apocryphal duck eating).

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For New Listeners

If you’ve never tuned in to Off Menu, this episode showcases its best: a warm, daft interrogation into a comedy guest’s life and psyche, as told through food. You’ll learn:

• Why Greg James is likely to be a "national treasure"
• The sacredness of tap water
• How poppadoms signal hope for the night ahead
• How marmite is the edible line in British personality types
• And never, ever trust Ed Gamble with your beloved ornamental duck

Ad segments and logistics (intros/outros) have been omitted; all timestamps refer to the main content.

Transcript

[Ed Gamble]

Hello, it's Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu podcast.

[James Acaster]

Hello, it's James Acaster here from the Off Menu podcast. And before the episode starts, we'd like to talk to you about All Our Relations, a nonprofit co founded by your friend of mine, comedian Jen Brister and Georgia Takax.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes, All Our Relations was originally started to support 15 families in Gaza when the genocide started, but now supports 21 families and funds several mutual aid projects including two seven day food kitchens and two mobile food parcel delivery schemes as well feeding hundreds of families in Gaza every single day. They've created an absolutely amazing thing and we feel like, you know, it's the Off Menu podcast. We talk about food and we are very lucky to eat wonderful food and have access to absolutely brilliant food all of the time. And I think we need to talk about people who have access to no food. James.

[James Acaster]

Absolutely. So if people would like to donate, please go to allourrelations.co.uk, or look at the links in Jen Bristow's bio on Instagram. Every penny raised goes to Supporting people in Gaza.

[Ed Gamble]

Thank you so much and enjoy the episode.

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[Greg James]

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[Benito (Producer)]

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[Greg James]

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[Greg James]

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[Greg James]

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[James Acaster]

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[Greg James]

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[Acast Advertiser]

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[Greg James]

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[Ed Gamble]

Welcome to the Off Menu podcast. Taking the Mars ice cream out of the freezer of humor, leaving it on the kitchen side of friendship, unwrapping it, tucking in for a lovely podcast ice cream bar.

[James Acaster]

James, the perfect way to enjoy. We're not advertising them, that is Ed Gamble. My name is James Acaster. Together we own a dream restaurant. And every single week, we invite in a guest and ask them their favorite ever start and make or dessert side dish and drink. I believe. I believe it's not in that order, no. And this week, our guest is Greg James.

[Ed Gamble]

Greg James, of course, the host of the Radio 1 breakfast show. James. Yeah. A consummate broadcaster, a wonderful man, handsome.

[James Acaster]

As you like, and definitely destined to be a national treasure.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, he's well on his way to.

[James Acaster]

Nash trash states, you know, a young man. But you can already tell he's gonna go down in history as one of our most cherished broadcasters.

[Ed Gamble]

Absolutely. Very much looking forward to speaking to Greg about his dream menu. I'm a big fan of Greg's. He's also got a book out, James.

[James Acaster]

He adds all the best for the future. It's called Growing Up Without Growing Old.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes. It looks great.

[James Acaster]

Looks absolutely fantastic. Stories from Greg's life.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yes.

[James Acaster]

And he's going on a book tour.

[Ed Gamble]

I believe he's on the book tour currently. And if you live in Glasgow or Leeds, you still have a chance to go, but you've got to be to see the Glasgow show. If you're listening to this on the day it comes out, it is tonight. So if there are any tickets remaining, you should go. But if he says a secret ingredient on which we have pre agreed, he's out of here.

[James Acaster]

Sorry.

[Ed Gamble]

And today, the secret ingredient for Greg James is Run a duck. Run a Duck. Because of the Long Boy saga. Long Boy was a duck that Greg was obsessed with.

[James Acaster]

A lot of people were loved Long.

[Ed Gamble]

Boy, loved Long Boy. The duck who was at York University, used to live on the grounds of York University. It went missing, presumed dead. Then I ate Run a Duck on Great British Menu, and Greg decided I'd eaten Long Boy. And there was a huge scandal that might come up on the podcast.

[James Acaster]

Might come up if we talk about it.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

We don't chuck him out, but if he chooses Runner Duck on the menu.

[Ed Gamble]

Which would be hypocritical beyond belief.

[James Acaster]

It'd be insane.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

If Greg ate runner duck.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[James Acaster]

And wasn't just thinking about Longboy the whole time and feeling bad. You might as well be eating Longboy, so.

[Ed Gamble]

Exactly. So he might say it, he might not. I'm just saying. Hopefully he doesn't say it, but it'd be funny to kick Greg out especially for that.

[James Acaster]

Deserved. Yeah, it'll be deserved. And I think anyone would be against that.

[Ed Gamble]

This is the off menu menu of Greg James. Welcome, Greg, to the dream restaurant.

[Greg James]

Thanks so much.

[James Acaster]

Welcome, Greg James to the dream restaurant. We've been expecting you for some time.

[Greg James]

Well, it's very difficult to get a table.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yes. Isn't it?

[Greg James]

It's a real pleasure to be here.

[James Acaster]

Just to pull some strings to get a table.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Greg James]

Just drop the name. Yeah, yeah, drop the name.

[Benito (Producer)]

Your own name. No, no, no, no, no, no.

[Greg James]

But I walked into this room and I said to James, do people go, oh, guys, different in real life. It's nice in there. And he went, no, no.

[James Acaster]

You must get this a lot. But it's crazy seeing this for the first time. Greg. No one's ever said that.

[Greg James]

Why not? It's ungrateful bastards.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, I know.

[Greg James]

I guess because I'm looking at the audio setup.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, yeah, of course.

[Greg James]

Because you're cameras.

[Ed Gamble]

You're an audio nerd.

[Greg James]

I'm an audio guy.

[Ed Gamble]

Because you spend pretty much every day of your life in a radio studio.

[Benito (Producer)]

So.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, when you go into other studios, you must be like, this is different.

[Greg James]

I think I've done radio for longer than. I haven't.

[James Acaster]

Wow.

[Greg James]

But I guess you have with comedy, right? Because when did you start doing.

[James Acaster]

Sort of when I was 23. So, yeah, I'm not, I'm not there yet. I've been doing 17 years.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, I'm not there.

[Greg James]

You look good on it.

[James Acaster]

Thank you.

[Greg James]

Yeah, great.

[James Acaster]

Thank you, Greg.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, I'm not there yet.

[James Acaster]

But growing up without growing old, you.

[Greg James]

Could say, hey, that's good, that's good.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

That's the, the subtitle of your book.

[Greg James]

It's the subtitle.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, it's a subtitle. I wasn't going to get all the Best for the Future in there early on.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, you can't say that as the first thing you say to someone.

[James Acaster]

Anyway, all the best for the future. Thank you.

[Greg James]

Well, all the. For the future to you both.

[Ed Gamble]

You've done a book?

[Greg James]

I have. It's called all the Best for the Future. Do you know who came up with the title?

[Ed Gamble]

Go on.

[Greg James]

Paul and Barry Chuckle.

[Ed Gamble]

I'm reading a little blurb and I did. I did know that. And I think it's probably the funniest starting point for a book that I've ever read. Please tell the story.

[Greg James]

Well, I don't know what your Chuckle Brothers sort of cultural touch points are. Were you into them? Did you watch Chuckle. Did you rush home and watch Chuckle Vision?

[Ed Gamble]

Constantly. Love them. Still think about them to this day.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

But I think that set us all. A certain generation set us all on a path of going, oh, maybe you could just mess around forever.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

And just do that sort of job.

[Ed Gamble]

And do a different job every day and get fired from it for slacking.

[Greg James]

Well, not specifically the narrative of the show.

[Ed Gamble]

Okay.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

Not the. Not the actual stories in the show.

[James Acaster]

But let's talk about the actual people.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

I'm not talking about their Personas. Talking about the real. The real people. Because you know that. That boss was an actor.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

And you know who the boss was?

[Greg James]

I don't know.

[Ed Gamble]

Their half brother. So there were two people who were always the boss. Mr. No slacken. And I think. I can't remember what the other catchphrase was there.

[Greg James]

Mr. No slacken.

[Ed Gamble]

The half brothers of the Chuckle Brothers.

[James Acaster]

They were both their half brothers.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[Greg James]

And the catchphrase was no slacken.

[Benito (Producer)]

No.

[Ed Gamble]

No slacking.

[James Acaster]

And they were the half Chuckle Brothers.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

It's like a showbiz family, I think, the half chuckle.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah. Nearly there.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, he nearly got it.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

I'd watch the show, a spin off show that's called the Half Chuckle Brothers.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

And this is the two half brothers.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah, yeah.

[James Acaster]

Knocking around.

[Greg James]

So him and Barry. When I was 10, I went to go and see the Chocolate Brothers with my nan at Weymouth Pavilion.

[Ed Gamble]

Amazing.

[Greg James]

Great venue.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

Have you done stand up there once? Yeah, it's a great venue.

[James Acaster]

But Nelton was in the main room.

[Greg James]

Oh, really?

[Benito (Producer)]

Okay.

[Greg James]

Good luck to him one day.

[Ed Gamble]

All the best for the future.

[Greg James]

All your best for the. For the future. And your quest of the main room at Weymouth. But it's. It was a signing. They did a signing afterwards and they would give you a photograph and it was. And he wrote to Gregory, all the best for the future. Which I was so excited about because I was there in my shell suit, you know, with all the other kids being like, oh, my God, it's the. It's the guys off the telly. This is the. These are the best guys. And when we Walked away and my nan was like, let's have a look at that. She'd see that and go, why did they write all the best for the future? That's just strange thing to say to a kid, but it is quite strange. But I quite like, I like that they wrote that and I've always remembered it and I just thought that's quite a good starting point for the book. So I start as a 10. 10 year old me.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

And I sort of imagine what my future life could be like. So it's a load of essays about growing up and falling in love and sort of gripes about the world and a reminder hopefully to. To stay true to your 10 year old self because it's probably the stuff you love when you attend is probably the stuff you've kind of like now.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Greg James]

To a certain extent.

[James Acaster]

To a certain extent. Chocolate Brothers.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Greg James]

I watch it, I watch it after, when I get home after this.

[James Acaster]

I mean, look, you know, definitely I've made a living off of coming on this podcast and talking about ice cream and how much love ice cream.

[Greg James]

There you go.

[James Acaster]

That was me as a 10 year old. It's not changed at all. If anything, it's got even more intense.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yes.

[Greg James]

You still love wrestling.

[Ed Gamble]

Still love wrestling, yeah, exactly. I'm regressing, basically.

[Greg James]

I think that's fine. But I think you can regress as you get older. But you just got. Because maybe it's even more important because you've got so much boring stuff to sort out as well.

[Ed Gamble]

As long as you keep doing the boring stuff as well.

[Greg James]

You do have to do both.

[Ed Gamble]

You got to do the taxes and watch Chocolate Brothers.

[Greg James]

Yeah. Otherwise your life sort of falls apart.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

And then you are just at home watching Chocolate Brothers.

[Ed Gamble]

Then you're a genuine chuckle Brother because like within the script of the show, I don't think those guys were doing their taxes.

[James Acaster]

No. No way.

[Ed Gamble]

No way.

[Greg James]

That feels like a sort of after hours, sort of grown up version of it where they didn't. It's like an HMRC infomercial.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

It's like it's January 30th, it's five to midnight and they're just pushing the HMRC form from one to the other, going to me, to you.

[James Acaster]

And then they would get investigated at some point.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

And the sit down with them and go, okay, listen, you've had a series of jobs each lasting less than a day from what we can see. Do you want to explain this one at the marble factory?

[Greg James]

How were you paid it is cash in hand.

[Ed Gamble]

Isn't it though? Right?

[Benito (Producer)]

Okay.

[Ed Gamble]

It's got to be cash in hand.

[James Acaster]

It's repeatedly one of two bosses. Can you explain that?

[Ed Gamble]

And they're your brothers.

[James Acaster]

Multiple jobs. You have about 365 jobs a year. Two bosses who are in all these businesses. We were investigating them as well. You better believe that we are. Don't look at him. Answer the question.

[Greg James]

Put the ladder down.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Greg James]

No. Clean the windows in a minute.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

This is serious.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Stop saying oh, no.

[Greg James]

Be careful with that. With that bucket of slime. Okay.

[James Acaster]

Will you tell them that story as someone. You must now sign autographs to people.

[Greg James]

I do.

[James Acaster]

During this book. You never signed a lot. You're going to be signing books, going to book signings.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

All the best. Fair enough. All the best for the future.

[Greg James]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Not only is it weird thing to say to a kid, I'd say if you're doing loads of signings, I would just write all the best. I wouldn't want to double my word count there.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

All the best for the future. Which maybe shows that they really did care.

[Greg James]

Well, I guess so. Or. I mean, I. I interviewed Paul. There's a chapter about Paul at the end of the book.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

It's quite sweet moment where I'd see him again for the first time in 30 years. And I said, why do you do this for all the kids? He went, no, I don't know why I'd even say that. And I went, what do you think? He went, well, he must have said something. He blamed me. And I said. I said, well, maybe. I said, maybe I want to be like be on telly one day or like. So I think that's maybe what it was because he said he would normally just do to me.

[Benito (Producer)]

To you.

[Greg James]

So I don't know. I think it might be a 1 of 1. I think it's unique.

[Ed Gamble]

This is incredible.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, it might be. I mean, anyone reached out since the.

[Benito (Producer)]

No.

[James Acaster]

Could just be you.

[Greg James]

I think it's it.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

It might be. Well, look, this is. This is. This is it. If there is somebody who's also gotten all the best for the future.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Chocolate Brothers autograph.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Are you going to be signing it? That's when you're doing these books.

[Greg James]

I think I'm gonna have to.

[James Acaster]

You have to.

[Ed Gamble]

I think there's so many. When you're signing books, can you just write C cover?

[Greg James]

Well, some of them you get. You get a. Yeah, yeah. Greeting on the front.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Greg James]

But there's. You have to do quite a few pre signed ones.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

I'. When they send you the pages five.

[Greg James]

You'Re just like, thanks for buying that book.

[Benito (Producer)]

Love you.

[Greg James]

All the best for the future. 7th onwards. It's just G Kiss.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[James Acaster]

You get.

[Greg James]

I do mean them all. I mean it mean every single one and every single one.

[James Acaster]

G Kiss.

[Greg James]

G Kiss.

[Ed Gamble]

Who was it who got in trouble recently for the sign book was literally just. They put a dot in him. It was just like.

[Greg James]

Just a dot.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

It was like they got. Obviously they had to do thousands and then they literally just doing like a dash or a dot.

[Benito (Producer)]

Great. Yeah. Yeah.

[Greg James]

That's something nice about it. Because it's been handled by the star though, isn't it? That even that book, even though it's a dot.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

From Bob Dylan. It's been handled by.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah, yeah.

[James Acaster]

I mean, Dylan's. That level where I would accept it if it was just a dot.

[Greg James]

You're not accepting a dot from me and you shouldn't.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Bob Dylan. I don't know if it was him, but the way he does his songs now is basically a dot version of the songs.

[Greg James]

It is. I took my dad to see Bob Dylan at the Albert Hall.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

My dad's got quite a bit bad sight, which was good because Bob Dylan was basically standing in the dark.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

My dad was going, what's he doing now?

[James Acaster]

Even?

[Greg James]

I don't know.

[Ed Gamble]

Couldn't tell you.

[Greg James]

I'm not sure. And so he sort of shuffles around like it's. You're just watching them jamming.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

He doesn't even say hello.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

It doesn't even address the crowd, which I really respect because it's.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

You know, a lot of it is, you know, hey, guys, everyone's together. Get your hands in the air. And. But Bob's like, I actually would rather you all just off.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Greg James]

And just let. Leave. Leave us to it, really. Thanks for your 250quid.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Bob Dylan. I'm not buying that from him. If he came out and went, guys, we're all together. It's amazing how you feel in London. It's like, yeah, come on.

[Greg James]

It's not.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

It's not Chris Martin. Get your wristbands up. Yeah, yeah, let's go.

[James Acaster]

I even buy it from him, really. When Chris Martin's doing all that, I'm like, pull the other one.

[Greg James]

Really? Do you think?

[James Acaster]

Yeah. I'm like, shut up.

[Greg James]

Is the truth somewhere between Bob and Chris?

[James Acaster]

Yeah. I think, you know, they do appreciate being there, but also they're at work.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

And actually why they really got into the industry is because of their love of playing music. So they'd rather just get on with that, not shout out to everyone. Look around you and how amazing this is. Then we're all here.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Chris Martin, absolutely. If he ever comes on this podcast, I'll say. I'll say it to his face.

[Greg James]

You say it to his face?

[James Acaster]

Yeah, I'll say it to his face. Well, there's a thing where.

[Greg James]

Where you do a stadium show, you get to that level because it's the. And it's basically the same show every night.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

And there's a bit in the Taylor Swift show where she cries, but it looked like, I wonder if she cried every night.

[Ed Gamble]

Almost certainly.

[Greg James]

That's the thing. And on the auto cue, this is the bit, like, turn the waterworks on. Because this is the bit.

[James Acaster]

I do it every night.

[Greg James]

I saw it at Glastonbury with Dolly Parton. I was watching it from the side of stage and she was. She has, like, a teleprompter with her, like, anecdotes and stuff. Oh, yeah, I'm amazing.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

But it makes. She makes it sound.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah. Real.

[Greg James]

It's great.

[James Acaster]

There's a clip of Brian Wilson, obviously. Yeah. Fair enough. In his later days, he was just having it all on the teleprompter autocue thing. And there's a bit on one of the live, like, recordings, and he's clearly reading it. And he goes between songs, goes, woo. And then dead serious. And then, woo. It's written on the thing to say woo. And he does it for the whole time it's on the screen. And then he pauses and waits. Seriously. And then does it again, like a.

[Greg James]

Little karaoke ball on each word.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah. The words are being colored in as it goes along. And he's like, right, cool. And now I'm doing God only knows.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

But by that point, I guess it sort of does become karaoke.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

Those legendary artists, they are just doing.

[Ed Gamble]

Karaoke and worse versions. Yeah, yeah, exactly.

[Greg James]

It sounds like a MIDI file.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

I bet everyone. I bet Taylor Swift does. Does do that cry every night at the same time. And I bet everyone who's part of a crew and work on that show absolutely hates her for it. For that one bitch. They might like Taylor Swift.

[Ed Gamble]

A lot of the things you said in the last 10 minutes are saying more about you than they are about.

[James Acaster]

Listen, if I was part of that crew, every time she cried every night, I would turn to someone and go, Fucking sociopath.

[Greg James]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Look at this absolute sociopath we're working for. She's crying fake every night, but she can make herself do it to all these people. I remember earlier on when she just like told you to get her a coffee. Remember that shit, right?

[Greg James]

But you're imagining you working on the Taylor Swift stadium show.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. And I'll be annoyed because I'll be.

[Greg James]

Like, you're not passing the vetting process. Yeah, you, you're not.

[Ed Gamble]

You're not getting that job because you have to get.

[Greg James]

You're not getting that job.

[Ed Gamble]

I tell you.

[James Acaster]

Loads of experience.

[Ed Gamble]

More likely to get a job on the Taylor Swift stadium shows. The Chuckle Brothers.

[James Acaster]

Excuse me.

[Greg James]

Do not let them hang those lights up. Yeah, they are. They are killing crowd members.

[James Acaster]

That's it. They wouldn't approve of it. Be me and the Chuckles side of stage going, here we go. Here come the water works. There they are. Got going with a M. Right on cue. Go on, Barry, clean it up.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, he slipped on him again.

[James Acaster]

Slipped on him again. Paul, go and get him. Although against my better judgment. Go and get him, Paul.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, Paul, slipped over.

[Greg James]

There we go.

[Ed Gamble]

He's pulled him over.

[James Acaster]

Okay, I'm going in. I'll try and keep my opinions to myself while I'm out there, but g. The way of social. I've got to pick up the Chuckles again. Still a sparkling water, Greg. James is still. Yeah.

[Greg James]

And it is tap.

[James Acaster]

Okay.

[Greg James]

It is tap. I. I feel like I'm a. I'm a chugger, I'm a water. I'm very well hydrated, I feel.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Are you a chugger with all drinks? Because I'm, I'm a gulper. James will tell you that.

[James Acaster]

Big Gulps, Big Gulp, Big Golf.

[Greg James]

I'm quite a gulper.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

But it's the water thing. I get. I don't know what it is, but I. During the show, I get through a lot. I've got sort of an army issue flagon I take with me to the front line.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

Which is the radio on Breakfast show. Fending off all the pop hits.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

Crying pop stars and. But it's tap for me. And it's. It's a lot of it and that's it. But I do think there's. And I did want to discuss this with you, actually, quite seriously.

[Ed Gamble]

Please.

[Greg James]

I do feel like there is a shame when they say still or sparkling. You say actually because you will go, actually, tap is fine. Yeah, but tap's always fine. But they make you feel like a third class citizen.

[Ed Gamble]

They make you feel pathetic. They make you feel like you're saying, oh, I don't deserve the other things. Yeah, tap for me, please.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. I really like it when they include it in the options. But when they don't and they make you say it.

[Greg James]

Yeah, they should include it in the options.

[Ed Gamble]

They should. That's the best option. I think the worst case scenario is them coming up looking at you and going, tap.

[Greg James]

Yeah. That is bad.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Greg James]

Still sparkling or probably tap.

[Ed Gamble]

Probably.

[Greg James]

You're a tap for you, isn't it?

[Ed Gamble]

You're a tap guy.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

Just out of your hands. But it's. I had. I don't want to show off, but I had Turkish eggs before I came here.

[Ed Gamble]

Around the corner, big name drop.

[Greg James]

And they. And they did the still or sparkling. And I was like, this is a good warm up.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah. And do.

[Greg James]

So I felt ready.

[James Acaster]

No one's ever gone method before.

[Greg James]

It was a really good warmup. This guy, because also he said. I said to him, tap's fine. And he replied. And this has never happened before, he replied with. Even our tap water is filtered, so there's a £1 surcharge.

[Benito (Producer)]

Wow.

[Greg James]

Never heard of that before.

[James Acaster]

No, I think that's absolute.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

And I went, oh. And then he. Before I could answer, he went, it goes to charity.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, yeah, they got you.

[Greg James]

Well, I didn't want to pry anymore. I should have asked.

[James Acaster]

That sounds like he riffed that on the spot. Yeah, he could tell you have a problem. They said it goes to charity, and he's gone back in the kitchen and gone. I've just told that guy out there that the water money goes to charity.

[Greg James]

What? Why'd you do that? For your idiot.

[James Acaster]

What do we do? Should we donate it to Champ? No, of course we're not gonna donate to charity.

[Greg James]

It's for us.

[James Acaster]

We're a Turkish egg business.

[Greg James]

We' appallingly Turkish egg business.

[James Acaster]

We can't afford to give money to charity. But he got a restaurant in London, for Christ's sake.

[Greg James]

He was ready with it. He was ready with it. Goes charity.

[Ed Gamble]

He's obviously had that chat a lot where people have been awkward about the £1 surcharge.

[Greg James]

I should have said water. Prove it. Yeah, show me the papers. Yeah, yeah, the paper trail. Get the. Get the Chocolate Brothers tax guys back.

[James Acaster]

In the same people. One of the same people who audited the Chuckle Brothers.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Otherwise I'm not gonna believe it. First time I ever interacted with you was in a restaura, but you don't remember it.

[Greg James]

I do remember it. And we're going to say after three. One, two, three. Joe and the Juice.

[James Acaster]

No.

[Greg James]

Yeah, it was.

[James Acaster]

No.

[Greg James]

Yeah, it was.

[James Acaster]

No, when was it? No, Joe and the Juice was way later.

[Greg James]

Okay.

[Benito (Producer)]

Wow.

[Greg James]

Give me. Give me a year.

[Ed Gamble]

When was it called Joe and the Juice?

[James Acaster]

A restaurant, I would say.

[Greg James]

My favorite restaurant.

[James Acaster]

What year was it? I would say it was 2013. Really?

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

Was it a comedy thing?

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

Was Kearns there?

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

Cahill.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

This checks out.

[Ed Gamble]

You can't say this checks out when you've offered all.

[James Acaster]

Greg, I'm going to tell you this. This is something that I have brought up to you since. And you didn't remember, and now you've forgotten it again, which I'm loving.

[Greg James]

Yeah, but I'm a nice guy.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, you're a nice guy, and a lot of stuff is going on in your life.

[Greg James]

Hang on, hang on, hang on. Okay, tell me, then. When was it? I'd love to.

[James Acaster]

Edinburgh, 2013.

[Greg James]

Oh, okay.

[James Acaster]

@ the City Cafe, I believe, right opposite the Tron.

[Ed Gamble]

Don't look at me. I wasn't.

[James Acaster]

What's one opposite the Tron?

[Ed Gamble]

Yes, it's City Cafe.

[Greg James]

Do you not remember?

[James Acaster]

You were there. You're there with Kearns and Cahill. I'm sat at a table with Joel Dommet and David Trent.

[Greg James]

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Yeah.

[James Acaster]

And this was David Trent's idea. And it's still one of my favorite things ever. He said, Kearns is with Craig James. We didn't know that you went to uni together at the time and all this. We didn't know that you knew each other. What the. And Trent went, let's send them over a bowl of rice.

[Greg James]

I remember. Okay. I remember that.

[James Acaster]

So we said to remember that.

[Greg James]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

The waitress, can you please send a bowl of ice to that table? And we turned up, you all looked confused, and then you looked over at us, and the three of us just raised our glasses to you.

[Greg James]

Yeah, lovely. It's a great man.

[James Acaster]

That was it. Really sexy. Didn't torture you?

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

It's such a power move, isn't it?

[James Acaster]

That's all we did.

[Greg James]

It's a good move.

[James Acaster]

Happy about it.

[Greg James]

A bowl of rice. Well, thanks for the rice.

[James Acaster]

So then I went on your radio show a couple of years later.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

That had been our only interaction, so I thought, obviously. Greg, remember.

[Greg James]

Did you bring that up on the radio?

[James Acaster]

I didn't just bring it up. I bought with me a box of Uncle Ben's rice.

[Ed Gamble]

How do you not remember this?

[James Acaster]

Slammed it down on the desk. And you were like, okay, what's that?

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, I knew he's a weird guy.

[James Acaster]

But I thought I bought you some rice and you were like, okay, do you want to tell me what is live on the radio? Don't tell me why I had to tell that. You're like, oh, okay.

[Ed Gamble]

And now again. You forgot again.

[James Acaster]

Now you're like Joe the Juice, when I just simply said hello to you on my way out and that was it.

[Greg James]

Yeah, but. Oh, you've said more than you said. The touch with the rice time.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, sure.

[Greg James]

At least you spoke to me this time and just communicate through rice.

[James Acaster]

Actually, Joe and the Juice, we haven't really gone over that since because I got the impression that you were actually in more of a proper meeting or something than I had anticipated. And I'd interrupted it on the way out.

[Greg James]

But I remember being happy to see you and I said that nice to. Let's hang out soon. Didn't.

[James Acaster]

No, I wanted to.

[Ed Gamble]

I didn't mean that.

[Greg James]

I did mean that.

[James Acaster]

You didn't mean it. I meant that didn't feel like you meant. I remember leaving, thinking, what a professionally nice man.

[Ed Gamble]

Well, especially is.

[Greg James]

That's me.

[Ed Gamble]

You said we should hang out soon, but you're saying you thought that was the first time you met James.

[Greg James]

So that's about. He had been on my show. He had been on my show before the Jones thing, I think.

[James Acaster]

Yes, I had.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

And then the confusing rice thing on the show.

[Greg James]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

And then I'd come up to you and Joe the joke. Hey, man, I'm going to meet and get out of here.

[Greg James]

I'm.

[Ed Gamble]

Nice to meet you. Let's hang out.

[Greg James]

I should have bought some rice.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

I've really fucked it.

[James Acaster]

I considered doing it again. Considered having like an even bigger thing of rice in this time when you came in a huge tray.

[Greg James]

Kearns is responsible for my first ever shout out on off menu.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes. We don't remember that, obviously.

[James Acaster]

Well, first ever as well. So you must have had more, I think.

[Greg James]

Well, I think it was the first ever. It's the first one I've heard.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

And it was to do with being sucked off by a mechanical gorilla.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, I remember that.

[Greg James]

And I just thought that's. That's about right. And Kern's there sitting there going, he's big time. He's not getting. He's not going.

[James Acaster]

There was.

[Greg James]

It's Margulies's restaurant.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Greg James]

And now I am being sucked off by a mechanical gorilla.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah. Yeah.

[James Acaster]

I think just because I've said you in City cafe with him. It's our first point of reference as someone that John would go to dinner with. Yes.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And.

[James Acaster]

Cause it's a funny pairing because obviously you've known each other for years. But for everyone who just knows the two of you separately, it doesn't really make sense that you would hang out.

[Greg James]

John was on some of my first Radio 1 shows. We got him on to do stuff.

[Benito (Producer)]

Wow.

[Greg James]

It was like agony encore type stuff.

[Ed Gamble]

Amazing.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

He used to. Loads. We used to do loads of stuff on student radio together as well. We would get him to go and do live cinema reviews. But in this. In the film. So that was really. It's a good. I think it's a good piece of film.

[Ed Gamble]

It's a good idea.

[Greg James]

I should bring that back.

[James Acaster]

I do it.

[Greg James]

Yeah. We're John. Oh, they're kissing now. Yeah, That's a big kiss.

[James Acaster]

I'd love it. I think enough of our listeners could bully Radio one into bringing that back.

[Greg James]

Yeah, we could do that.

[Ed Gamble]

You're okay with us building a Radio one?

[Greg James]

I'm seven years into a breakfast show. We're low on ideas. We're low. I'm doing the rice thing on Monday.

[James Acaster]

Greg. James. Pop knobs or bread?

[Greg James]

I've thought about this a lot. Obviously it's poppadoms.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, lovely.

[Ed Gamble]

Great.

[Greg James]

And for. For specific reasons actually. And it's. I think that Poppadom's the poppadom section of a. Of a curry night is the most. Is the happiest that you can be at dinner if you're going out.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

Because I think there's so much. It's such a lovely moment where you're like. We're so early on into this meal.

[Ed Gamble]

It's all potential.

[Greg James]

Yeah.

[Benito (Producer)]

But.

[Greg James]

But we're getting kind of the best bit now.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

This is. This is going to be a brilliant night. We've got plans later. Whatever it is. We've just got nothing else to do. Is going to sit here. But the star is. It's like having. It's like the greatest hits first in a show, isn't it?

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah, sure.

[Greg James]

It's like. It's that you're having. You've got. And this great performance of it as well is really nice because you've got the carousel of the dips and you've got the. I just think that's a nice. Nice thing to do with your friends. So it's poppadoms for me.

[James Acaster]

It's why. It's why it's even part of our format.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Because of.

[Greg James]

But you Feel that, don't you?

[James Acaster]

I feel that with poppadoms.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

I don't feel it's so much a bread when it comes out.

[Greg James]

No.

[James Acaster]

Even though I've always picked bread on this whenever I've done my own menu. But, like, it was that feat. I remember having a curry in York and being like, this should be part of the podcast, this feeling. It feels so good.

[Greg James]

It's an amazing feeling.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

And it's also Ben.

[James Acaster]

Ben's face. Absolutely livid that I've told that boring story every time. It's boring and goes nowhere. He's sitting there.

[Ed Gamble]

Are you telling me you're in New York and you thought this should be part of the podcast?

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

But you did it, episode one.

[James Acaster]

Yes.

[Ed Gamble]

And you definitely made it up on the spot. And at no point did you plan.

[James Acaster]

I didn't plan to shout it.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

No.

[James Acaster]

But I knew it was part of the thing. We talked about it.

[Ed Gamble]

No, you didn't tell me.

[James Acaster]

We talked about it in the cafe immediately, before.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

But I had a curry in York the same week, and I was so happy when the Papadoms came out that I was like, we've got to have this as part of the feeling.

[Ed Gamble]

It's got to be part of the.

[James Acaster]

So I was like, it's three days till we do this podcast. We haven't really thought it through.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

I think I should. We should put this in there. Part of the dream meal.

[Greg James]

And it's still there.

[James Acaster]

And when Greg was describing that, then I was back in that curry house.

[Ed Gamble]

We rarely talk about the feeling. It's about the feeling.

[Greg James]

It's the feeling.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

Yeah. I'm more. I'm more. When I go out for dinner, I'm more interested in the feeling than the food.

[Ed Gamble]

Okay.

[Greg James]

I think so. I mean, the food has to be decent, but I'm more interested in the whole. The atmosphere. Poppadom sets a great atmosphere.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, I agree with that.

[Greg James]

Sharing immediately. There's chat immediately. There's someone disagreeing about how you're chopping them, how you're smashing them, what dips.

[Ed Gamble]

You'Re putting on which order.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

And also, are you dipping into the dip bit or are you spooning onto your own little plate? That's often an argument.

[Ed Gamble]

May I say you've got a spoon.

[Greg James]

A lot of people don't.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, well, those people are gross.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

Kearns doesn't.

[Ed Gamble]

Well, he dips straight in.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

And he's. I bet he's biting a poppadom and then dipping in the bit. The bit side into the communal dip.

[Greg James]

But there's friends. We'll all have these people in our lives.

[Ed Gamble]

Grossos.

[Greg James]

You love them, but you do want to do some damage to them when they do. They break off a bit.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

Oh, dip, dip, scoop. So they're doing a. They're doing a mango. They're doing a. Like a. Whatever. The yogurt writer.

[Benito (Producer)]

Right, yeah.

[Greg James]

And then they're scooping a bit of lime.

[Ed Gamble]

So they're getting one dip into the other. Dip into the other bit.

[Greg James]

Yeah. It's awful.

[James Acaster]

Johnny Depp's hop, skip jump.

[Greg James]

It's a trip. It's a triple jump. It's horrible. It's horrible to watch.

[Ed Gamble]

Called hop, skip, jump, man.

[Greg James]

Hop, skip and jump. Olympic. Olympic gold medal. Hop, skip and jumper.

[James Acaster]

Thank you.

[Ed Gamble]

One of the names was hop, skip, jump.

[Greg James]

Please commentate. Please commentate.

[Benito (Producer)]

In la.

[Greg James]

The next Olympics, it's the hop, skip, jump up.

[James Acaster]

Do you remember watching that when you were a kid, when you broke the record?

[Greg James]

Yeah, I do, yeah.

[James Acaster]

Insane. Insane Television.

[Greg James]

Were you dipping it? I was dipping at the same time, yeah.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[James Acaster]

No one would care about that now.

[Benito (Producer)]

No.

[James Acaster]

But at the time, the world stood still.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

It's funny that, but I think people would care about that. Not.

[James Acaster]

Not in the same way, but if there was a.

[Ed Gamble]

If there was a British man who broke the hop, skip, jump record.

[Greg James]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Everyone would. The word. The world would stand still.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. But like, later on, people would start chatting about it. Like, it'd be viral.

[Ed Gamble]

It would go viral.

[James Acaster]

It was all that was going on in the world.

[Greg James]

That was it.

[James Acaster]

Edwards had done it and, yeah, he did it because he prayed to Jesus and stuff.

[Greg James]

I think I remember my childhood being quite Linford Christie based. Yeah, it was quite. It was just a very. He was a very famous part of our childhood.

[Ed Gamble]

He was. He was absolutely huge people. What a great era.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

But Linford, I remember, was about his running, but then a lot of it was about his package. Yeah. In the papers. Lynford's Lunchbox.

[Greg James]

That's it. Well, lunchbox, yeah.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah. What?

[Greg James]

That's what you could have called this podcast.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, we should have called it that. We could do it as a spin off. Get Lymph and Chrissy to host it.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Call it Lympha's Lunchbox and just be like, what. What was in your Pat lunch at school? Dream, Dream Pat Lunch.

[Greg James]

Yeah, yeah, that'd be good.

[Ed Gamble]

Linford's lunchbox.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, Get John Ollie's.

[Greg James]

So it's just. You don't.

[James Acaster]

She can be the genie.

[Greg James]

You don't Reference.

[Benito (Producer)]

The.

[James Acaster]

The ever reference that.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

Not at the end. You'll be like, thank you, Linford. Also happy Sk.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Benito (Producer)]

Never.

[James Acaster]

No, that could never come up.

[Greg James]

No.

[James Acaster]

What an era made an era for athletics.

[Greg James]

Why are we talking about athletics? I'm talking about athletics.

[Ed Gamble]

Hop, skip jumps with the popping on dips.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Because quite naturally, what you're talking about with the dips reminded me of the hopscotch.

[Ed Gamble]

What's your go to? What's your go to dips? What are your favorites? Rank them for me, Greg.

[Greg James]

Well, I do think you need them all.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

I think they all serve a really important purpose, and you can't have one without the other.

[Ed Gamble]

Really do it like the top.

[Greg James]

But the limes. Well, chart show.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, he wants to do it, though.

[Greg James]

I have done the chart show before.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

I actually hated doing the chart show, so it lasted about a year.

[James Acaster]

You used to call it the fart show. You hated it so much.

[Greg James]

Yeah, damn right I did. Yeah. That showed then.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

The official fart company saying number one was mango chutney.

[Benito (Producer)]

Didn't you?

[Ed Gamble]

You ruined the whole thing.

[James Acaster]

Now.

[Greg James]

There was a moment when I decided that I didn't want to do it anymore when Ed Sheeran managed to hack the chart because they changed the rules or something so that the nine out of the top 10 were just songs from his album.

[James Acaster]

Oh, my God.

[Greg James]

And we just had this meeting with him like this. This doesn't work as a. As a chart anymore. This is just like someone's hacked it. And then from that, they changed the. Anyways.

[Ed Gamble]

Boring.

[James Acaster]

No, that's not boring. I'm glad you're calling him out. We've had him on this podcast, and.

[Greg James]

I'm not calling him out. I'm not James Acaster calling out Taylor Swift.

[James Acaster]

Sounds like you are. Sounds like to me like you're calling out Ed Sheeran.

[Greg James]

Well, we did. We actually did a helpline during that chart show, which is maybe why the bosses said, maybe move off. You don't. Your heart's not in this anymore. We got a helpline for people saying there's too many Ed Sheeran songs, and actually, it's making people feel quite sad.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah, yeah.

[Greg James]

And the chart show is supposed to be uplifting, you know, natural. There's a natural conclusion to it, and.

[Ed Gamble]

It'S exciting to find out who was number one.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

It's basically, we just reordered his album.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah, yeah.

[Greg James]

In chart form.

[James Acaster]

And everyone's favorite Ed Sheeran song this week is this one.

[Greg James]

Yeah, exactly.

[Ed Gamble]

Is it because the street was it because of streaming.

[Greg James]

Streaming. And they hadn't changed the rules.

[Ed Gamble]

Right.

[Greg James]

They left themselves wide open.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah. Yeah.

[James Acaster]

And Sheeran is always going to take advantage of that.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

When he sees an opening and he sees that someone's let their guard down, he's straight in there.

[Ed Gamble]

Sorry, I just saw this the other day about Ed Sheeran, hasn't he. He said he's going to record an album that could only be released after he's dead.

[Greg James]

Yes. He has done a posthumous.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah. Yeah.

[James Acaster]

I hope it's like. Like it gets released. It's just him going, I'm playing with my winkle. My little dinkle do play with my winkle. Truly, truly love it. Yes, I do. And it's just acapella. And him. It's clearly. He's in the bath.

[Greg James]

And he. He stated, my dying wish is that this is played as the coffin's coming down.

[James Acaster]

He gets released and he hacks the charts again.

[Ed Gamble]

Number one.

[James Acaster]

He's number one everywhere.

[Greg James]

I'm back on the chart show that's in the will.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

It's one song in at number two.

[Ed Gamble]

Is him going.

[James Acaster]

I'm dead playing with my winkle. And I'm looking at the animals in the zoo.

[Ed Gamble]

Every song is playing with his winkle.

[Greg James]

Is he at the zoo in that one?

[James Acaster]

In that one, he's at the zoo and he's dead and he's in the zoo. But he's playing with his winkle.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

Is it all recorded at London Zoo?

[James Acaster]

Yeah, every track. He's basically just gone around with his phone.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah. Right.

[James Acaster]

And wherever he is, he's improvising songs, but he keeps on.

[Ed Gamble]

He's not good at improv. He's mainly. He always comes back to his winkle.

[James Acaster]

He keeps on getting trapped in that.

[Greg James]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

So, yeah, it'll just be like in the lift, I'm going to the top floor when I'm now going to play with my winkle.

[Greg James]

Is he going, but he's. He's regressing with that. My nephew's three.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

And he's. He announces when it. When he thinks it's penis time.

[James Acaster]

Brilliant.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

And no, you have to be really careful around that because you don't want to shame.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, of course.

[Greg James]

He's like, is it penis time now? I go, oh.

[Ed Gamble]

What does he mean by that?

[Greg James]

Like, it just sort of pulls on it.

[Benito (Producer)]

Right. Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Whenever I think of you, I think of your penis.

[Greg James]

Thank you.

[James Acaster]

I love you naked because you wrote a very lovely article about your partner. Oh, yeah. And during it, you said, just for some Levity. He said sometimes just to cheer them up, you helicopter your penis around. Oh. When you're naked in the bedroom.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

And it's just a visual that really stuck in my head. I'm sorry about that. Every time today. I probably thought about it in your presence 10 times since I saw you.

[Greg James]

I'm so sorry.

[Ed Gamble]

And now I will.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

Thanks for reading the piece, though.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. It's lovely about the piece. Very nicely written. That's my main takeaway from it, if I'm honest. But it was a lovely, lovely world.

[Greg James]

Yeah. Was it? Is it when. When Bella is feeling really sad?

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Greg James]

But it is funny, though.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

I mean, like, my nephew knows that. That's sort of funny.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

Like, he's sort of, like, twanging it.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah. It's funny to twang it.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Greg James]

And.

[Ed Gamble]

But nice. Nice of him to check, but it is penis time.

[Greg James]

Is it penis time? Yes, it is penis time. In fact, we were leaving the house recently to go out to the playground. He went, okay, great, I'm gonna go and get my penis. I'm gonna go and get it.

[Ed Gamble]

I'm gonna go and get my penis.

[Greg James]

So maybe you never really grow out of that.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

As a boy, have you ever told him it's not penis time?

[Greg James]

Yeah, yeah. Well, his. His mum is very, like. Yeah, very on that.

[Ed Gamble]

Does she have it in her head of when it is penis time and when it isn't in terms of times of the day, or is it mainly.

[Greg James]

To do with an alarm that goes off?

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

I'm assuming if he's asking that regularly, at least nine times out of ten, it's not penis time.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Penis time was the rejected title for Linford's Lunchbox.

[Greg James]

I feel. Yeah, I feel like it. It should. It's. It's not penis time more than it is penis time.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

That's the general rule of life.

[Ed Gamble]

I think so.

[James Acaster]

And the earlier that people with penises learned that the best.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[James Acaster]

I know we didn't write the dips. There's no time now. We've got into.

[Greg James]

Oh, okay.

[Benito (Producer)]

All right.

[Greg James]

Just quickly. Four in at four this week. Writer.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yes.

[Greg James]

At number three is probably the. The oniony bit that you mixed up. At number two, it's probably mango.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

But two and three can be interchanged. And number one, it's lime pickle.

[James Acaster]

Lovely, lovely. I'll co. Sign that top four. Yeah, you like that? Yeah, yeah. Okay. I say that's my chutney at the.

[Ed Gamble]

Bottom, and I put onion second and.

[Greg James]

Then chutney at the bottom.

[Ed Gamble]

Lime pickle first for me.

[James Acaster]

Onion second is mad. You're absolute grand.

[Ed Gamble]

I love, I love getting the old.

[James Acaster]

Folks home and eat your onion.

[Greg James]

Onion second.

[Ed Gamble]

The onion with the. With the writer and a bit of lime pickle on it together. Beautiful. You get the crunch of the onion, the tang.

[James Acaster]

Well, again, correct me if I'm wrong, Craig, but I. I don't believe when you did the chart show you could combine three of the singles.

[Greg James]

No, that's true.

[James Acaster]

That was number one.

[Greg James]

Yeah, it's true.

[Benito (Producer)]

No, that's true.

[Ed Gamble]

Well, maybe it's a feature. Maybe it's. It's right. Of feet. DJ Onion.

[James Acaster]

Oh, yeah.

[Benito (Producer)]

That is it.

[James Acaster]

That is that way of doing it.

[Greg James]

You're right. And at number one, it's writer featuring DJ Onion.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

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[Benito (Producer)]

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[Ed Gamble]

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[Greg James]

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[James Acaster]

Dream starter.

[Greg James]

My dream starter. I've sort of. I think I might have hacked it a little bit here.

[Benito (Producer)]

Okay.

[Greg James]

Because it is bread based and it's not gonna make any sense. In terms of the overall meal, that's fine. But the genie.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

Will grant me whatever I want.

[James Acaster]

Absolutely.

[Greg James]

And doesn't judge.

[Benito (Producer)]

Nope.

[Greg James]

Okay.

[James Acaster]

Well, I've been known to.

[Greg James]

Yeah, we know. Taylor Swift.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah. Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Sorry.

[Greg James]

It's Marmite cheese on a cr. On a crumpet.

[Benito (Producer)]

There we go. Okay. Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

I'm in heaven right now and I just.

[Greg James]

And I've thought about it and you can be really you can be really lofty with this sort of stuff. And I've heard people on this podcast do really intricate, smart stuff. But actually, when. When push comes to shove, I think my favorite food might be Marmite.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

And so it would be mad not to put it on my dream menu in my dream restaurant.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, absolutely.

[Greg James]

So. And I think a crumpet is sort of underrated.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

As a. I agree. Like, every time I have a crumpet, I think, why am I not eating this three times a day?

[Greg James]

I think that's what I think. But I think bread, I think big bread, the Big Bread Corporation, relies on that attitude.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah, it does.

[Greg James]

Because the crumpets, they're going, guys, I'm way better than bread.

[Ed Gamble]

Soak up so much more stuff.

[Benito (Producer)]

Stuff. Yeah.

[Greg James]

I've got paws.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Greg James]

This is like, bread doesn't really have that. You might have a hole.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Butter tastes nicer.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

On a crumb.

[Greg James]

Absolutely.

[Benito (Producer)]

And.

[James Acaster]

But it's already everyone's favorite.

[Greg James]

It is.

[James Acaster]

I, I.

[Greg James]

Life. Life actually would not be worth living without butter.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

So it has to be proper salted, ideally French, if it's around, like, proper, heavy. Great cow butter. Great cow, Great cow butter. And then it's. It's lashings of that. It's Marmite on there. And then you grill the cheese.

[Ed Gamble]

You're grilling the cheese.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

See, there's something. When I'm thinking of Marmite cheese crumpet, there's something I quite like about hot crumpet. Butter on, melts, Marmite on. And then cold cheddar, the combination of the temperature, it melts a little bit. It gets a little bit. I mean, hesitate you to use the word sweaty, but I think that's what I mean.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Just the combination of the. And maybe with like a cheddar that's got those crunchy bits in as well.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

You've got texture, you've got temperature.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

But grilled, delicious.

[Greg James]

I want to say. Yes, and. But it's actually. No, thanks.

[James Acaster]

Don't want it. You don't want it. That's fine.

[Greg James]

It's. It's. It has to be grilled and melted in and actually to the point where you've burnt it just enough that the Marmite starts to harden. Oh, that's the real. That's the real bit.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Greg James]

And I could just. If I could eat that every day, I. I would, but I'd be. I'd die.

[James Acaster]

How thick or thin is this Marmite?

[Greg James]

Oh, it's thin. It's thin. It's thick.

[James Acaster]

Sorry, it's thin. I don't know why I said.

[Greg James]

I panicked. Yeah, it's thick.

[Ed Gamble]

You went with the complete opposite of what you meant.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

In opposite world, it's thin.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

But in this world. Are we in opposite world or real world?

[Ed Gamble]

Real world now.

[James Acaster]

Yes, Real world now it's thick, then.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

Opposite world is thin, but in real world, it's thick.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Greg James]

And it is. It's oozing.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

I don't think you can have enough, mama. I. I can spoon it in.

[Ed Gamble]

I. I agree with you. Do people look at you in absolute disgust when you put marmot on stuff?

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

And I also respect people that don't like it.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

Because it is. It's an acquired taste.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

Marmite, it's for the connoisseur and if you don't get it, that's fine. It's just more for me.

[Ed Gamble]

I want it to sort of. Sort of hurt the roof of my mouth.

[Greg James]

Definitely.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, you need definitely that.

[Greg James]

Like, you can get the Marmite sweats.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

Yeah, you can. And I've had it.

[Ed Gamble]

And makes you feel alive, doesn't it?

[Greg James]

Marmite and cheese as well. Those combined. Very sweaty but really delicious. Actually, do you know what? I don't want too many people to like Marmite because I converted my wife into a Marmite fan when we met. She was like, what's this disgusting stuff? And now there's never any in the house because she is so on it.

[James Acaster]

Oh, wow.

[Greg James]

So into it.

[Ed Gamble]

You need a private Marmite stash.

[Greg James]

Oh, yeah, I know.

[James Acaster]

You said, like, you respect people who don't like it. I respect their right not to like it and that they don't like it. I don't respect people who make a big deal out of not liking it and think it's an interesting thing for them to say.

[Greg James]

It's not.

[James Acaster]

That annoys me, especially when they. They say stuff like, I heard something not even that long ago, I say, within this calendar year, say quite loudly to their mates, like, well, the thing is with Marmite, I go, if you say, yeah, you either love it or, yeah. Oh, don't just go home. Like, why have you left the house?

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

And they said it as if it was like a really original thing. And everyone's. Everyone's like, yeah. Obviously, no one responded to him around the table. Like, it was interesting. They'd all heard it a billion times. You're like, how is your personality based off of taglines?

[Greg James]

Also that you can't. You shouldn't be using. I. I Watched that film. It's a bit Marmite, isn't it?

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

You shouldn't be using that. What?

[Ed Gamble]

Brilliant.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Do you mean exactly?

[Greg James]

Exactly. Because you know, one man's. One man's Marmite is another man's. I don't know, dog. Whatever the place is. That's a new one. There's a new one for good one.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

People start saying that the man's dog.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

They should say that in the adverts.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Change. Love it or hate it to one man's Marmite is another man's dog shit.

[James Acaster]

That would get them a lot of attention.

[Greg James]

Yeah, there you go.

[James Acaster]

And I don't think it would put off people who like Marmite.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

And the people who don't like it. Never going to like it anyway.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Get people talking.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

Marmite's supposed to be edgy, aren't you?

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

Come on.

[James Acaster]

Come on, guys.

[Ed Gamble]

Marmite in a bacon sandwich. Ever had it?

[Benito (Producer)]

Have.

[Greg James]

Haven't.

[James Acaster]

That's got.

[Greg James]

Haven't had it.

[James Acaster]

But I haven't been. Got that much on this pod for.

[Greg James]

A. I haven't had it but would have it. But the only reason I'm reluctant because you can imagine tastes, can't you?

[James Acaster]

Yep.

[Greg James]

It's the wonder of the brain palette.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

But I'm imagining for me it might be double salt.

[Ed Gamble]

It is double salt, but I don't.

[Greg James]

Know if in a good way.

[Ed Gamble]

In a good way with. But with butter in there as well, with slightly toasted bread.

[Greg James]

Spoken like a true diabetic.

[Ed Gamble]

It is phenomenal.

[Greg James]

Yeah. Okay, so your butter and any other sauce? Tomatoes?

[Ed Gamble]

No, I think I've tried. I've tried putting other. And soy. Soy sauce. No, it doesn't need any other sauce. I mean, you could. I guess you could put like a ketchup in there or a sort of sweet chutney or something that might take the edge off the salt.

[Greg James]

That's interesting.

[Ed Gamble]

But for me it's double salt.

[Greg James]

Is that regularly having that?

[Ed Gamble]

Not regularly. If I have a bacon sandwich at home, I'll. Which isn't regular, I'll pop Marmite in.

[James Acaster]

That's what you do.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Bacon and peanut butter sandwiches. I was eating those.

[Ed Gamble]

Like Elvis.

[James Acaster]

Like Elvis.

[Greg James]

I'm just imagining the flavor. Yeah, I think that works.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, this could be. Would this be a good new segment for your radio show?

[Greg James]

Imagine the flavor in the flavor and people calling.

[James Acaster]

People phone in.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah, yeah.

[James Acaster]

Tell you something they've eaten, then you go, I'm just imagining the flavor.

[Greg James]

Okay. Hello, line one.

[James Acaster]

Who've we got Hello, Mama. Oh, my name's Keith. Huh?

[Ed Gamble]

Hey, Keith, when you do your characters.

[James Acaster]

Hey, my name is Keith.

[Greg James]

Hey, how you up to today?

[James Acaster]

I'm from Bristol.

[Greg James]

What do you do for a living, Keith?

[James Acaster]

I'm a. I'm a Brookie.

[Greg James]

And what you have for your. What's in your lunchbox? Not that one.

[James Acaster]

Be careful, Greg. You don't want to get taken off the air. In my lunchbox today, Greg is. Where's he from? Huh?

[Ed Gamble]

Where's he from?

[James Acaster]

Bristol originally.

[Benito (Producer)]

Bristol, yeah.

[James Acaster]

Originally born and bred. Greg, in my lunchbox today is Doritos and burger sauce.

[Greg James]

Let me just check the flavor on that one.

[James Acaster]

Imagine it, please.

[Greg James]

I'm imagining it now, Keith. I don't think that works. Next.

[James Acaster]

Well, good day to you. All the best for the future.

[Ed Gamble]

I think it worked.

[James Acaster]

Good.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Good new feature.

[Greg James]

I have done worse.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

Definitely worse features.

[Ed Gamble]

Hey, Greg. All the best for the feature.

[James Acaster]

Oh, yeah.

[Greg James]

Thanks, Ed. Yeah, that's really nice.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Dream main course, Greg.

[Greg James]

My dream main course is for the listener.

[James Acaster]

Every time Greg has to choose something, he closes his eyes fully.

[Greg James]

I hate it.

[James Acaster]

And you squeeze them shut.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

When it's. Every time, you've got to name your next course. Anything. Well, you go completely eyes shut.

[Greg James]

It's because it's sort of top of the roller coaster.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

And then you're down and you can't take it back.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Greg James]

And it's out there. There's so many options. But I've gone for fettuccine Alfredo.

[James Acaster]

Lovely.

[Greg James]

It is lovely, but it is quite basic.

[Ed Gamble]

I realize that that is one of the dishes I hear about a lot, but I don't actually know what it is.

[Greg James]

Well, it's very. It's nothing. It's like. It's just. It's cheese and pasta.

[Benito (Producer)]

Right.

[James Acaster]

I think it's what. Correct me if I'm wrong, Michael Scott eats before the fun run.

[Greg James]

Right.

[Benito (Producer)]

Right.

[Greg James]

It's been made famous by sort of American stuff, so it's quite American. Italian.

[Benito (Producer)]

Dis dish. Yeah. Yeah.

[Greg James]

But I went. Me and Bella, my wife, went to Rome for my birthday last year, and we stumbled across.

[James Acaster]

Happy birthday.

[Greg James]

Well, it was ages ago, but thanks.

[Ed Gamble]

Less than a year ago.

[Greg James]

Closer to the next one, so.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Okay.

[Greg James]

Can I use that for then?

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, generally. Happy birthday.

[James Acaster]

For the next one. For that one.

[Benito (Producer)]

Okay.

[James Acaster]

What are you doing for this next one?

[Greg James]

Well, I want to go back to Rome.

[James Acaster]

Okay.

[Greg James]

Mainly for this bowl of pasta.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

So it changed my life. And I don't stop thinking about it, which is why it has to be in the dream restaurant. And it's. The restaurant, it's called Alfredo's. And we stumbled across it and we just looked at it and went, oh, it looks kind of. Well, it looks quite weird. We'd sort of read something about it as an option. We're like, oh, let's go there tonight. And we went in and this huge sort of canteen style Italian. It just looked like for me. I love the Sopranos, I love Godfather, all that sort of Italian y Mafia y stuff I was into.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

And I all make my new in that world.

[Greg James]

No, exactly. That's why I like it. But that's what my dream restaurant is. But the dream restaurant, Bada Bings, the dream restaurant for me is that I walk in and I get treated like Tony Soprano and I've got a special table and I get the double kiss on the cheek.

[Ed Gamble]

Is your dream restaurant in Bada Bings?

[Greg James]

Probably not in Bada Bings, but we go thereafter. Yeah, I think we go there after.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

Bella goes home, then I go to Bada Bing's afterwards.

[James Acaster]

You and Ed Sheeran, he's recorded something in the corner. I'm in Baderbanks.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, here comes security.

[James Acaster]

Oh, no, fellas, let me explain. I'm in the Allegh, laying on a pile of rubbish. Oh, an idea just popped into my head. I'm playing with my winkle, sitting on the rubbish, looking around out about. You wore me once. I know. The police.

[Greg James]

It's Greg's birthday. It's Greg's birthday. He's asked me to turn up.

[James Acaster]

Sorry, sorry.

[Ed Gamble]

No, no.

[James Acaster]

You went to Alfredo's.

[Greg James]

Well, yeah. So Alfredo's is that sort of place on.

[James Acaster]

On the wall.

[Greg James]

There are loads of famous people, but like top end famous people. Sophia Loren, Marilyn Monroe, proper old. All the crooners. You've got ex presidents.

[Ed Gamble]

They've been there.

[Greg James]

All been there.

[James Acaster]

Right?

[Greg James]

And they all have been there.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Greg James]

But this place has been going since like an iteration of it has been going since the late 1800s.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

Originally Alfredo was the guy and it was passed on to his son and then his son. So now it's like the third or fourth iteration has been there since the 50s, since post war and it's been like it's an institution. And that is where they invented. He invented fettuccine Alfredo.

[Ed Gamble]

That's mad.

[Greg James]

It's not the most. It's not the most adventurous dish, but it's sort of become legendary in popular culture, I guess. And I was having the actual one in the place and I was sort of I was a sucker for being. I was. I was being a tourist about it and I loved it. And they came over and said, do you want it with gold leaf? I mean, yeah, you did it. I did it as extra €10. It was.

[Ed Gamble]

I was fleeced and adds nothing. Not really flavor wise.

[Greg James]

But they come over and they do. They assemble it in front of you. They bring out. It's like a chariot of fettuccine Alfredo. And they mix in the butter in front of your eyes. It's already got butter, cream, pecorino, parmesan. And they put another load of butter in it and they toss it in front of your eyes and you're just.

[Ed Gamble]

Like, this is so that's all it is. Just like. It's cream and cheese basically and butter and. Yeah, but it's.

[Greg James]

But it's unbelievable.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

And a cheese based life is a great life.

[Ed Gamble]

Correct.

[Greg James]

And that's. That's how I like to live it.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

And there's a guy playing the piano in the background, just sort of doing covers. It was really nice. It was Christmas time. People started getting up and doing Christmas songs. I went up and did a song because I had a bottle of wine.

[Ed Gamble]

You went into the song.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

Bella sort of said, go and do a song. No, you want to. I went, no, I don't want to. And I immediately got up and did White Christmas.

[James Acaster]

White Christmas.

[Greg James]

It's the best one.

[Ed Gamble]

Goes with the pasta. White Christmas.

[Greg James]

Yeah, it does. I was so, so, like heavy.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

When I was singing, it was like burping through White Christmas.

[James Acaster]

But I'm imagining you've got like an undone bow tie on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've always bring one.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yes.

[Ed Gamble]

But everyone clapped and said it was the best thing ever because you're the boss. You're the mafia boss.

[Greg James]

They did actually clap, though.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

And the waiters came over.

[James Acaster]

No, no, no.

[Ed Gamble]

I know we're having a laugh, but they did actually clap.

[Greg James]

No, I'm not having a laugh. They clapped.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah. Yeah, they did.

[James Acaster]

They clapped.

[Greg James]

They're still clapping. They're probably still talking about that guy that came in.

[James Acaster]

Sounds delicious.

[Ed Gamble]

Did Bella have the same thing?

[Greg James]

She did. Yeah. But she didn't go for the gold leaf.

[Ed Gamble]

All right, fair enough.

[Greg James]

She's weak, but yeah, it was just. It's one of those dishes that I just. I think about all the time. Just when I'm feeling.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

Sad.

[James Acaster]

But also like, you say you've been a tourist about it, but really as a tourist, you do sometimes know when you've been done.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

And you've been. You've fallen into a tourist trick. And if you are genuinely thinking about this dish all the time, it must have been.

[Greg James]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Pretty amazing.

[Greg James]

To the point where I want to go back just for that.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

And Bella's like, you can't go back just for the dish. I went.

[Ed Gamble]

Well, there's other stuff in Rome, but it's nice to have something guaranteed that you know you're gonna love.

[Greg James]

There's other stuff, but I think this is the best bit about it.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

I want to go for Spanish Steps. Coliseum. Nah. Fettuccine Alfredo. Thank you.

[James Acaster]

Main thing I learned in Rome was what arena means. That was it.

[Greg James]

And it means sand.

[James Acaster]

Sand. Sands.

[Greg James]

Sands.

[James Acaster]

When they go to the Coliseum.

[Ed Gamble]

Sand, Sand. Sand.

[Greg James]

Sands. Sands.

[James Acaster]

Sands. The sands.

[Greg James]

Oh, the sands.

[Benito (Producer)]

Sands. Yeah, yeah.

[James Acaster]

Sands.

[Greg James]

Are. You say sands. What word are you saying?

[James Acaster]

Yeah, like, without me, Like.

[Greg James]

Oh, sand.

[James Acaster]

Okay. Plural. Sands.

[Ed Gamble]

I don't know. I think sand. I think sand is the plural of sand.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. But they would say sands. The sands. We're going to the sands.

[Greg James]

Why do you keep.

[James Acaster]

When they were going to the Coliseum? Because the floor of it was sandy.

[Greg James]

Right.

[James Acaster]

So they would say, we're going to the sands.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

And then that was a race.

[Greg James]

I hate Rome now.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

I also don't think you learned this.

[James Acaster]

I did on the. On the guided. On the guided tour.

[Ed Gamble]

You don't seem sure that you've learned something.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, on the guided tour. They said it.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

And then last week, I was in Valencia and there was a hotel nearby called.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Las Arenas or whatever. And I was like, that means the sands.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Because I retained that.

[Ed Gamble]

And you're with your partner. And she went, yeah, I know. I was there as well.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, she was. It was weird telling her that. She was like, I actually am going.

[Greg James]

To definitely go back to Rome just to do this and have the Alfredo.

[James Acaster]

Go to the guided tour again. And when it. When they're about to say that fact, just shout it over the sands.

[Greg James]

I mean, it's the sands.

[James Acaster]

Crazy, though, the Coliseum.

[Greg James]

What a life it is. But it's. We went. We actually went there this time this year. I've been to Rome a couple of times, but we hadn't done that bit. And I thought, well, we've done the. I've done the pasta. Yeah, let's go and do the other basic thing.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

And what I found amazing was the smoking area at the Coliseum is out.

[James Acaster]

I don't remember this.

[Greg James]

There's like a little. There's a sad little smoking bit right down the bottom Bit of the Coliseum, but famously no roof.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

Why are you. Why are you putting everyone.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

It just feels pathetic. And it's sort of in a. What probably was like a jail bit or a gale.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

And where they used to keep the tigers and stuff.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

But now they keep the smokers there.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

And so they're all just sitting there sort of behind bars almost.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

And you've got to watch everyone else just going around the top bit.

[Ed Gamble]

Then they release one every now and again to kill a Christian.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

Oh, you've been.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Greg James]

I've got another bit of my mane. Am I allowed? Yeah, let's do it.

[James Acaster]

That's a full.

[Ed Gamble]

Also, I wouldn't mind hearing some of these. The honorable Muncheons, the things that you potentially were gonna pick because you were. You were struggling to pick the main.

[Greg James]

Well, that's why I've gone for.

[Ed Gamble]

You're trying to hack it.

[Greg James]

I'm trying to hack it.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Let's hear it.

[Greg James]

Okay. My side, but also part of a man. You decide. Genie, I've got two things that I really want on the menu.

[James Acaster]

Okay.

[Greg James]

And I don't know where they go.

[James Acaster]

Okay.

[Greg James]

First one is pizza for the table.

[James Acaster]

Interesting.

[Ed Gamble]

Look, you are absolutely preaching to the converted here, because James loves for the table.

[James Acaster]

I love for the table.

[Ed Gamble]

This is Mr. For the Table. If he was in Chuckle Brothers, that would be his name.

[Greg James]

Hello, Mr. For the table.

[James Acaster]

I'll be glad to be called that.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

Are you doing pizza for the table?

[James Acaster]

I'll let you do pizza for the table because I think that's a nice.

[Ed Gamble]

Is this the side or is this.

[James Acaster]

I'm gonna have to hear who else is at the table?

[Benito (Producer)]

Oh, yeah.

[Greg James]

Oh, well, it's sort of just me, then. No, and you.

[James Acaster]

Me and you split. He's working, I'm working. I. I don't know. I want there to be at least three people.

[Greg James]

There's three fun people.

[James Acaster]

Bella's there.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Just before you forget that you.

[Greg James]

Yeah, but, yeah, Bella's there.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

I've just got good, good mates. Fun times. Kearns is there. Ko's there.

[James Acaster]

There you go. Yeah.

[Greg James]

Fun people are there. It's fun people.

[James Acaster]

I'll accept that.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah, yeah.

[Greg James]

It's that John's eating. What did he order at the Pat Stag? Heart and lungs.

[Benito (Producer)]

Oh, yeah.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

He's still vomiting about it now.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah, yeah.

[Greg James]

I'll go for the awful pro. Heart and lungs.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

So they're all there.

[James Acaster]

How about. Okay, yeah, yeah.

[Greg James]

Piece of the table.

[James Acaster]

What's on the pizza?

[Greg James]

Well, I'm having a bit of a moment with this. This might also be quite basic and because you're quite forward thinking with you, you know, you've tried it all, haven't you? You too. But you have, you've been there, you've been around the block. It's pepperoni but with. With. With honey.

[Ed Gamble]

The hot honey.

[Greg James]

Hot honey.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

I've not tried this. Sounds lovely.

[Greg James]

Yeah, it's hot.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

Just think it's really great.

[Ed Gamble]

I'm sort of against it in principle. And then whenever I have it, I'm like.

[James Acaster]

It does work actually, but I think spicy honey, like.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

Like hot chili honey with pepperoni and just really gooey sort of. Ideally it's buffalo mozzarella, King of mozzarellas, I guess. But actually a classic pizza for the table might just be a margherita with basil and buffalo mozzarella as a sort of palate cleanser.

[James Acaster]

So your main thing here is just that you want pizza for the table. Not that there's a specific pizza you want to get in your drink menu.

[Greg James]

When you're younger, you are sort of. You're taught that it's either pasta or pizza, but that's bollocks.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

When you're a grown up, you can kind of do anything you like.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

And I'm having Alfredo and I'm having a pizza.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

I think because they go together, it feels like that's a main. Right past the pizza.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Especially if one of them's for the.

[Greg James]

Table and the pizza is sort of the one that the Teenage Mutant hero turtles might have had.

[James Acaster]

You know, like big.

[Greg James]

That big floppy kind of lovely Americany pizza.

[Ed Gamble]

Go in. There's like. But bit like dripping off the end. You've got to get it in the mouth quickly, otherwise it'll flop.

[Greg James]

I guess that's like formative pizza memory.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

Home Alone, I guess.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

Which is like.

[James Acaster]

It's all cheese.

[Greg James]

Delicious cheese pizza just for me. That sort of thing that. That pizza.

[James Acaster]

So it's that but not the pizza at the beginning of Home Alone that Buzz crams into his mouth, which is. Which is a cheese pizza again, because it's Kevin's pizza.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

But the way that Buzz puts it all, this is one of the most. And then Buzz gets hit and spews it all up.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

I hate Buzz. Yeah, I know you're supposed to, but I'm really hating him.

[Ed Gamble]

I struggle with him because apparently I.

[James Acaster]

Look like him used to.

[Greg James]

You do, yeah.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Do you want pizza for the table? I believe there Was another hack coming up. Well, it was.

[Greg James]

It was a yes. Because I've got to close my eyes again because I'm worried about this, because this is. This is it. This is, like, definitive. I can't go back on this. But I also want a secret steak, and a secret steak is a steak that I have away from my wife, who is. I'm sort of. I'm sort of vegetarian by marriage.

[Ed Gamble]

You've married into vegetarian?

[Greg James]

I have married into vegetarians, yeah. And I like the vast majority of it.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

Actually, the truth is, I. I do chicken and fish, but red meat, I don't really do.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

But I do go and have secret steak. Bella's not gonna listen to this, by the way. I think, really, I'm safe.

[Benito (Producer)]

Nah. What?

[James Acaster]

It's a good podcast.

[Greg James]

It's a great podcast, but she's not. I don't think, you know, she's not gonna listen to me.

[Ed Gamble]

Listen to your book. Your book promo.

[Greg James]

No, no, exactly.

[James Acaster]

I've even forgotten about that book.

[Ed Gamble]

Do you listen to her book promo?

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah. Yeah. Well, there you go.

[Greg James]

But she's not like that. She's actually, you know, she's cool.

[Ed Gamble]

She is really cool, actually.

[Greg James]

Yeah, she is cool.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

But she's also vegetarian, which has its problems for me because I do like, every now and then, I do like a steak. So I'll go out for a secret steak with my cousin.

[Ed Gamble]

I like this with your cousin. You're gonna love that.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Yeah, I love this with your cousin.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

So we go. In fact, we've booked one in for a couple of weeks.

[Ed Gamble]

Where'd you go for your secret sake?

[Greg James]

Well, we like Hawks more.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, we do like Hawks more.

[Greg James]

We do. We do. We like Hawks more, actually.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yes.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

Me and Derek Lang. Orcs more. My cousin's called Guy.

[Ed Gamble]

Does he call you Cousin Greg?

[Greg James]

Yeah. Well, I am his cousin Greg. And actually, succession was a nightmare for Greg's. Succession is an absolute because all the are Greg's in every show.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

Joe License in Joe Lies, it's Last Stand up tool.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

The estate agent character, which sets the whole premise up. Yeah, it's called Greg.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

And I had to interview him for it with this thing for his. His DVD thing. And the first question was, what the. You could have chosen any other name, and he chose Greg.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

But it is a great. It's a. It's a bad name. It's a good punchline name.

[James Acaster]

Well, when I think about it, it doesn't suit you. Great.

[Greg James]

I take that. I don't want to Be it.

[James Acaster]

It's crazy that you're called Greg, stupid. As I'm thinking about it now, why.

[Greg James]

Am I. I think.

[James Acaster]

I look at you and I just think, James, because your surname, James would work if you're called James Gregg. So I'd be like, okay, there's a.

[Greg James]

James Gregg who works for five Live.

[Ed Gamble]

That must get confusing. Do you ever get emails or meant for each other?

[Greg James]

I don't read the emails, but he is sort of my. He's sort of like the evil. My evil twin, I guess.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, he's like. Like dark timeline.

[Benito (Producer)]

Greg James.

[Greg James]

Nice man, though. Yeah, well, he appears to be a nice man, but. Yeah. So I'm cousin Greg and I go out with cousin Guy for a secret steak. But what I do like. Is that Italian, you know, the thinly sliced one with you put rosemary and salt on it. Is it like a tagliata?

[Ed Gamble]

Tagliata, yeah.

[Greg James]

I like that one. So that would be good. So it'd be a secret steak. Maybe I have to go out the back to eat it if Ben is there.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah. I'll stash it somewhere in the restaurant for you.

[Greg James]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

So you can go and get it.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Have little pieces just behind a plant pot for a walk around. Actually, I'm just gonna stretch the place. Help yourself to the table. Pizza. I'll be back in a sec. Over by the plant pot.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, like. Like Mrs. Doubtfire. You're, like running between tables.

[Greg James]

Yeah, exactly. That's me.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Have you ever had fiorentina steak?

[Greg James]

What's on that?

[Ed Gamble]

So it's like a. I think it's often like a T bone, but they basically, like, like really scorch the outside. They really go for it. And it's quite rare in the middle. And that's a. That's a lovely state.

[Greg James]

That's. That sounds nice.

[Ed Gamble]

There's a restaurant in Chelsea called La Familia, which has, like, been there for decades, which is a good vibe. If you want to go.

[Greg James]

Two kisses. That sort of place they could do.

[Ed Gamble]

I mean, I'd imagine if you. If you lent in, they'd have obliged you. They'd oblige.

[James Acaster]

No, I want them. Send guy in first, see what happens.

[Greg James]

Yeah, I want them. I think the dream is that I want them to. I want people to fear me, because they don't. Yeah, but like that in the dream restaurant, they. They look at me with fear and they're like, respect. But they know that I could and.

[Ed Gamble]

Have killed and you could destroy their business.

[James Acaster]

I'm gonna be completely honest with You. And I hope you don't take this the wrong way. Oh, God. There's been many, many times we have done over 300 episodes of this podcast where guests have said, and I want to utilize the genius magic by doing this. And I've always been like, yep, of course. I'm a genie. I can do that. That is the first one, you being feared by people that I. I've thought, I don't think that's possible. I don't think I'm going to be able to make this happen.

[Ed Gamble]

And remember, he said, don't take this the wrong way. So you're not allowed to.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. So, like, I don't think even using my genie powers, I can make a situation where you walk into the restaurant and the guests fear you enough that they want to suck up to you.

[Greg James]

And be nice to you and the proprietor.

[James Acaster]

I can't even with magic. I don't know how I meant to do that.

[Ed Gamble]

Okay, how about this? How about you've in within the dream restaurant world, you've started a new feature on the show, on your radio show where you absolutely destroy restaurants and it becomes incredibly influential.

[Greg James]

Okay.

[Ed Gamble]

And it genuinely has restaurants shut down.

[Benito (Producer)]

Right.

[Ed Gamble]

Which you could do in real life.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

You know, you give me fire in my belly for this.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Greg James]

Because I. I would say you're useless genie. That's what I would say. Do you hear me now?

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

No, I mean, the cameras were filming us. I was delighted that you said that.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

No one's ever said that before.

[James Acaster]

I was like, yes. Well, he did it. He said. He said, useless genie. He wouldn't even criticize Taylor Swift for crying earlier. Now I've got him.

[Greg James]

You're worse.

[James Acaster]

It's cracked. I am worse.

[Ed Gamble]

Craig might have to interview Taylor Swift. He can't be agreeing with you.

[Greg James]

Certainly.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

Yeah, almost certainly. For the record, I know this guy's on the record. Yeah, I think she's great.

[James Acaster]

You also didn't improvise any Ed Sheeran songs earlier either. You just let us do that.

[Ed Gamble]

No, I didn't either. It was you talking about Ed Sheeran's winkle for five minutes.

[James Acaster]

I don't think I mentioned his winkle at any point.

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[Benito (Producer)]

Are you.

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[James Acaster]

Your dream drink.

[Greg James]

My dream drink. It's just a big bottle of red wine.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

It has to be with this meal.

[Greg James]

Washing it all down. Just make until I'm sick.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Oh, nice.

[Greg James]

It's Barolo, it's your. It's your Brunello's, it's your Barolos, it's your Montepulciano.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, yeah.

[Greg James]

It's your big, big beefy Italians. Yeah, that's it.

[Ed Gamble]

Do you have a specific, A specific one that you liked or do you remember the best bottle of wine you've had?

[Greg James]

Yeah, there's like just a. Whatever the most. If you're being fancy. The most expensive Brunello you can find in a shop is always just unbelievable.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

It's like, this is. I have to drink this every day now. This is my stuff. But you, you can't.

[Ed Gamble]

And then you wake up the next morning, I can't have a drink.

[Greg James]

It's way too heavy.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

I wish so hard that I liked wine.

[Ed Gamble]

You like wine? A bit.

[James Acaster]

I like it a bit. But not enough to talk about it as regularly as we do on this.

[Greg James]

No, I should have picked something else.

[James Acaster]

Every time it comes up, you know?

[Greg James]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

You got to pick your favorite.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

And I'm glad that you did. As soon as you said it, I.

[Greg James]

Thought, this must leave.

[Ed Gamble]

You're having secret steak, guy.

[Greg James]

Secret steak, pasta, pizza for the table. Those tomatoes and the cheese and everything, it all just goes. It goes really well, but also really badly.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

I mean, you're gonna be really feeling that tomorrow.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

Real Gaviscon territory.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, it really is.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

So it almost like have it before dinner and then one after.

[Ed Gamble]

Gaviscon.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Greg James]

Swig before.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

Tablet halfway through, swig at the end.

[James Acaster]

Secret one in the ring. Do you want me to put a secret one?

[Greg James]

Secret Gaviscon.

[James Acaster]

So Bella doesn't see.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah, the back.

[Ed Gamble]

You've married into a non Gavascon marriage, haven't you?

[James Acaster]

Yeah, famously.

[Greg James]

No, definitely not. She's big Gaviscon, isn't she? Yeah, yeah, she is. I think the big, big difference between your 20s and 30s is there's a lot more Gaviscon in the house. It's kind of the main.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, we were Rennie's household.

[Greg James]

You're Rennie's guy.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

I'm very rarely a Rennie's guy, but my wife is a big Rennie's guy.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

Bella's more Rennie than Gavascon. Yeah, yeah, she's more Rennie. Actually, I've come to think of it, where I'm more Gaviscon. Max strength.

[James Acaster]

We're neither.

[Benito (Producer)]

But.

[James Acaster]

In great levels of discomfort all the time.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. I don't want to paint with broad brush strokes, but white ladies, stomachs be popping, you know, there's a lot going on there.

[Greg James]

Yeah, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Fair to say.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[James Acaster]

Fair to say. Maybe that's why Taylor Swift cries every night. Fair enough.

[Greg James]

Is there no wine that you're into?

[James Acaster]

Really?

[Greg James]

Like, what's the. It's gotta be something.

[James Acaster]

Well, this is the worst thing. Through doing this podcast and being friends with Ed every now and again, being treated to a really nice fancy wine. And. Yeah, yeah, I have one of those and go, oh, this is incredible. And then I just go, oh, the only wine I like is extortionate, like, absolutely mad expensive wine. That is literally the best that absolutely everyone who drank it would love it because it's that good. And anything else, I'm like, this is going to be a trudge to get through this. I have the first sip and go, no.

[Greg James]

Oh, no.

[Ed Gamble]

So you've just got really expensive taste. Basically.

[James Acaster]

Got to get through all of this wine. And I wish I just ordered a juice or something. I wish I just said, I got any apple juice or something like that?

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

This is going to be difficult.

[Greg James]

What about. Well, sure, there's like a. There must be like an orange wine. Have you tried there?

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Orange wines. If. If there is an orange wine on the menu, if all they've got is wine, because sometimes that's when they go, here's the wine list. And I go, right, I'm gonna find the cocktail page. I'm like, well, that's not in here. Jesus Christ. Please, no, please don't say it's just wine. And they're like, yeah. And then I'm immediately looking for the orange Wine and just trying to find orange wines. If that's not on there, then I'm really. The other night I went to a. And it was. That was the scenario. And it looked like it read as it was an orange wine, whatever it was called, probably had the word orange. And I was like, I'll have that. And they were like, okay, okay. They're a little bit confused. And they brought it back and they were like, there you go. I took a sip. I was like, is that. Is that sherry? If I just ordered, they're like, yep, you got a massive glass of sherry. And that was very difficult for me all night, to be fair.

[Ed Gamble]

A lot of natural wines and orange wines sometimes take on some of the taste properties of Sherry, I think.

[James Acaster]

But this was massive. Yeah, it was like a massive glass of sherry. And I had to tap out and say to them, I'm so sorry, but I'm not.

[Ed Gamble]

I love sharing.

[James Acaster]

There's no way I can finish this sherry. It's humongous.

[Greg James]

A sherry.

[James Acaster]

I can do a little Sherry.

[Greg James]

Sherry. I've not really. It's just very. My nan. And it was very like.

[Ed Gamble]

But Sherry's cool now.

[Greg James]

But is it cool?

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, Sherry's cool.

[Greg James]

Well, my nan was cool.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

And she was sort of. She was a mad little Welsh lady.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

Just. Just the only drink she had. I mean, if she did off menu, which would be insane because she's dead and would never have wanted to do it anyway, but if she does.

[Benito (Producer)]

Come on.

[Greg James]

Well, she doesn't know what podcast is, though. They can't.

[Ed Gamble]

Why don't you just say? Why don't you just say. Yeah, she said so. That would be mad. And also it's mad because we wouldn't just have someone's nan on. Right. Those are the two mad. It doesn't have to be that. She wouldn't have done it.

[Greg James]

How many people's nan's have you had?

[Ed Gamble]

How many nuns? We must have had someone's.

[James Acaster]

Oh, as many as we've asked, I'd say.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

How many have you asked?

[James Acaster]

Zero. Right. We wouldn't have asked your nan is what we're saying to you. You make it out like she would turn us down.

[Greg James]

She would. She wouldn't do it anyway.

[Ed Gamble]

But her whole menu would be Sherry.

[James Acaster]

We would ask.

[Greg James]

There was no.

[James Acaster]

I've never.

[Greg James]

I didn't really see her eat food.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah, yeah.

[Greg James]

Andrea. Or drink anything else. It was just Sherry.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

She would just drink little. Just a little glass of sherry. But she'd be like, I want to have a Little one, but it was like. Like 15 little ones.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah, yeah.

[Greg James]

So it was the end of the. And it will always be. Is it Bristol cream? Is that what.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

So my dad, when Nan was coming over, it'd be like, oh, my mum would say to me, like, go out and you better go and get some Bristol cream for Nan. So maybe I should get into Sherry. Runs in the family.

[James Acaster]

Maybe that's what I should have had in the lunchbox earlier. The guy from Bristol should have had some cream in there.

[Greg James]

Great.

[Ed Gamble]

Just cream.

[James Acaster]

Just cream.

[Greg James]

What are you having for lunch, Keith?

[James Acaster]

Just some cream. My lunchbox was full of cream.

[Greg James]

I'd be fading Keith down. Yeah, yeah, just some cream. Because I think he's about to say something disgusting.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah, Here we go.

[James Acaster]

Just imagining that.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

That's very nice. Thank you. Bye, Keith.

[Greg James]

Thanks a lot.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

Is that. CHEERING.

[James Acaster]

Is there any. Is there any in particular you remember having to fade down over the years where. That was a real close call. It was going to be really bad.

[Greg James]

Oh, there's loads. But most of them have. Most of them have gone badly. But you can, you know, like. I guess it's like a heckler.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

You.

[Greg James]

Hopefully you can sort of style it out a bit.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, but we. We can't just do that and then they go quiet. That would be amazing.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

But also it's not being broadcast to quite a few people and in the room, like the.

[Ed Gamble]

The dream, there's quite a few.

[Greg James]

No. Loads of people. And I'm not saying, like, you're very. Both of you is very successful. Even more so after this podcast.

[Ed Gamble]

This particular one.

[Greg James]

This. No, no, but what I mean is everyone in that room is sort of. Of up for you to.

[Ed Gamble]

It's a controlled environment.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Greg James]

Whereas you've got a lot of people who are sort of casually listening on the way to school with their. The kids are on the way to school and you've got someone. Who's that? When I was on the Early Breakfast show, this was when I first started, a couple of years before I met you.

[James Acaster]

Brilliant.

[Greg James]

Well, I met you, Rice, and Nice to meet you.

[James Acaster]

You're not fading that down. Get it in the red. Rice to meet you.

[Greg James]

Ed's my favorite listener ever.

[James Acaster]

It's peeking, right.

[Greg James]

And I just go, where's Rice? To meet you, too.

[Ed Gamble]

To meet you, Rice, you'd say.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

Imagine Bruce Forsyth had, like, workshopped it.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

And had gone one day.

[Greg James]

I'm thinking of doing a catchphrase. It's either nice to meet you or Rice to meet you. And They've gone, probably go, nice. I think Rice would be good. Rice to meet you. To meet you Rice.

[James Acaster]

Especially if you met Annika Rice.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, yeah.

[Greg James]

I bet you did it.

[Ed Gamble]

I bet he must have done it.

[Greg James]

I bet he did it.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, I bet he did it every time he went for a curry. Like if he went out for a curry with Test daily after Strictly, I bet he went, rice to meet you. Meet you.

[James Acaster]

Right, yes. Thank you.

[Ed Gamble]

Thank you.

[James Acaster]

My, my.

[Greg James]

When I got my first agent in London, he took me out for a curry and it's quite a posh curry. And they all had this really lovely white crisp all the way to this white crisp uniform. And my agent's like regular. A gag I realized since 10 in people is that he'd give the menu back and go, thank you, doctor. That was his thing because it had like a doctor's coat on it.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

Thank you, doctor.

[Benito (Producer)]

Thank you, doctor.

[Ed Gamble]

Love that. I love little restaurant jokes. Bad restaurant jokes are my favorite sorts of jokes, I think.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Greg James]

My dad's quite good at that. He did one.

[Ed Gamble]

Does he do. When you've cleared your plate, when the waiter comes over to take the plate, does he do. He didn't like us.

[James Acaster]

Oh, great. That's a good one.

[Benito (Producer)]

He.

[Greg James]

My dad always, when we go out somewhere, the rule is that he will always order. What Henry VIII would have ordered is always the biggest, heaviest thing.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

And he ordered pork belly. And the waitress came over once and they went, pork belly. That's a bit rude. Yeah, yeah, it's good.

[James Acaster]

It just works.

[Benito (Producer)]

Love it.

[Greg James]

It does.

[James Acaster]

It's great. That's what you want.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah. Just works. Yeah.

[James Acaster]

By thread of sense time, like you could do like the kind of joke go. What did you call me? I love that.

[Greg James]

Yeah.

[Benito (Producer)]

I love.

[James Acaster]

What did you call me?

[Ed Gamble]

No, I've never met her.

[Greg James]

I'm doing that at the minute quite a lot. I'm getting a lot of joy out of this and I don't know if anyone else is, but C. Matt's new album and new song is called Euro Country.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

And so on the radio, I'm going Euro Country.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

What you call me, essentially. I like that.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, It's a lot of fun.

[Greg James]

Yeah, it's fun. Just to say on the radio, she knows. She knows what she's doing.

[James Acaster]

Absolutely 100%.

[Greg James]

Speaking of which, that's what I was about to talk about at 4 o' clock in the morning. We used to do a thing where we'd take calls live to air. This was in sort of 2008.

[Ed Gamble]

A crazy decision, if I may say.

[Greg James]

It was crazy. But it was fun because it was four in the morning. Loads of fun. People were listening and just. We just pick it up and just be. And it was. We did a. Maybe eight months of it and it was really fun. You'd always get some. You'd get Keith calling up saying, I'm drinking cream or whatever.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

But there was one guy just. I went, hello, line two. He just went, can't.

[Ed Gamble]

Of course.

[Greg James]

My producer just went.

[Ed Gamble]

We had such a good run.

[Greg James]

It was so good. And then that was it. It was banned. Banned band banned. No, no calls. Live to air.

[James Acaster]

That was it.

[Greg James]

That was the end of it. More recently we did a feature called Cowboy Time.

[Ed Gamble]

Is that like Penis time?

[Greg James]

No, not like penis time. Put the penis away. It was at 10 to 10. So it's 10 to 10 to 10. Cowboy time is the thing. Someone suggested that we did it every day.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Greg James]

I don't know. You run out. As I said, returnable fe. So we did it every day. It was really fun. We just call back a random number that was. Just had text in that day and nine times out of ten, brilliant. Everyone going, oh, I'm on. And they go. But one morning this guy picked up the phone and I went, lewis, are you there? It was rustling. I was hovering over the fader going, what's he doing here? It was rustling. And then he'd obviously got a phone or something, held it up to the. His.

[James Acaster]

The other phone.

[Greg James]

And he was just playing porn. He was playing the porn noise that they got Lyneker with.

[James Acaster]

They got litigant with, you know, the linicker. No, Lyneker got got by porn.

[Greg James]

There was a. Someone strapped a phone to the back of the sofa on FA cup or something and it was just going. And the guy called up Radio 1 and did that to me and we.

[Ed Gamble]

That's not as funny as the cunt guy.

[Greg James]

No, it's not as funny.

[James Acaster]

And. And a lot more effort.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

A lot more thinking. You're gonna be funny on the lead up to it.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah. Yeah.

[James Acaster]

But actually not naturally A funny person, whoever that person is, if you're listening, you have not got funny bones.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yes.

[James Acaster]

But the guy.

[Greg James]

The guy has definitely.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Really funny to say it like that.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

Someone told me that it was then used in a sort of training module.

[Ed Gamble]

Of course. And that's the dream, isn't it?

[Greg James]

It is the dream.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

And I bet the guy doesn't tell that story to people. Just another funny thing that he did. And I bet the porn guy tells everyone. As if it was the funniest thing he told me.

[Benito (Producer)]

The.

[Greg James]

The porn guy.

[James Acaster]

Oh, you met him.

[Greg James]

DM'd me. He said that was me, Greg. Oh, you find it funny?

[Ed Gamble]

No, no, it's my job.

[James Acaster]

I find that funny. Of course not.

[Ed Gamble]

I'm at work.

[Greg James]

He turned up. The weird thing about that is that he turned up at Radio 1's Big Weekend. He got tickets to it and he was down this little platform we were doing the show from, and he was down saying, I'm. I'm the guy.

[James Acaster]

It's me. Yeah, exactly.

[Greg James]

Just raised the middle finger to him.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah, Got him.

[James Acaster]

Can't see that on the radio.

[Greg James]

Got him, got him, got him.

[James Acaster]

Your dream dessert.

[Greg James]

My dream dessert is actually. I haven't featured eggs much in this today, but I'm quite egg based.

[James Acaster]

You shouted out Turkish eggs earlier.

[Greg James]

Nice.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

But I'm quite egg based and I do like a po show egg, but I didn't think it was. Wasn't enough for me. But flan is where I get my eggs in. And I don't know if you're aware of the proper French flan, the sort.

[Ed Gamble]

Of wobbly, almost like creme caramel.

[Greg James]

Consistency. Consistency. Ish.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

But there's a very specific sort of French. I think it's called flan Parisienne or something, which I imagine is Parisian plant.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[Greg James]

But it sounds. It's very eggy. It's quite wobbly.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

And it's. It has to be quite cheap. It has to be from a supermarket. It has to be from your super ooze.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

Hyper use, your ELA clerks, that sort of thing. And it is. It feels like it's been made by a machine, but it's absolutely delicious. And I just. I just would eat that every day as well. This. This. I mean, this whole meal is. It's death, isn't it? This is. This is death meal.

[Benito (Producer)]

Really.

[Greg James]

Your arteries are going.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

What are you doing? But I think the flan is the really important part of French culture. And we don't have it here. We just don't. You cannot find it. You can't find the right stuff. And actually my. I've. The aforementioned Bella, who loves Rennies, also loves making, like, trying to perfect the perfect flan. And it took her three years.

[Ed Gamble]

Wow.

[Greg James]

But she's done just about. Did it. Just about.

[James Acaster]

Oh, yeah.

[Greg James]

It's a. Do you know what I'm talking about, this flan stuff? No, I can. Because you're thinking about like an egg Custard. Ish. But then turn left to egg custard.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah, yeah.

[Greg James]

But avoid creme caramel.

[Ed Gamble]

Right.

[Greg James]

That's exactly it.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

I know that looks like a cheesecake.

[Greg James]

It looks a bit like a.

[Ed Gamble]

It looks like a Basque cheese.

[Greg James]

It looks like a Basque, but tastes nothing like a Basque.

[Ed Gamble]

Right.

[Greg James]

It's much eggier. It's much more wobbly.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

It's got a cheap sort of layer of pastry at the bottom, which is kind of soft.

[Ed Gamble]

I'm with you.

[Greg James]

But the middle of it is just unbelievable. Vanilla flavor, vanilla flavored, eggy and very, very sugary. Yeah, Well, I really think you'd love it.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, well, I love an egg custard.

[Greg James]

Yeah, me too.

[James Acaster]

If it's. If it's like the ultimate high end egg custard.

[Greg James]

If it's high end, I think it's a relative of. There's more of it.

[Benito (Producer)]

It.

[Greg James]

You get a lot more of it.

[James Acaster]

Like Guy and Greg like related. Yeah, like about that distance.

[Greg James]

His cousin.

[James Acaster]

It's an egg custard cousin or custard cousins.

[Greg James]

Is the custard cousins.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, we can't say that.

[Greg James]

Egg cousins.

[James Acaster]

Also custard cousins is like a sex thing, is it?

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Cousin, egg, cousin egg.

[James Acaster]

This is a much nicer, isn't it?

[Greg James]

Much more wholesome.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Greg James]

Anyway, yeah. So that's ruined flan, isn't it? Yeah, but that's my. That's my favorite. That would be my favorite thing. I could eat a whole. It comes in then triangles.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

Or a slab. You can get a whole slab. Sort of like two or three foot.

[Benito (Producer)]

Like a lot.

[Greg James]

Log.

[Ed Gamble]

It's like a log.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

A caterpillar. Flan flat. A pillar flat.

[Benito (Producer)]

A pillar.

[James Acaster]

We call it Colin Caterpillar because it's like. No, you want like a French name. Really? I don't know any French names.

[Ed Gamble]

Been with C. French for Colin.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. What is French? Colin. I bet it doesn't exist. You know how people say it's not a German word for fluffy or that just a joking black apple matter, but like French. Probably not a Colleen. Colleen.

[Ed Gamble]

Colleen.

[James Acaster]

Colleen.

[Greg James]

Colleen is probably.

[James Acaster]

When we have like a professional radio host on.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

They know that they have to translate for Benito as well.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[James Acaster]

Because we know put himself in the edit. So we have to say what he says. But you're the first guest who's like caught on to that without having to be told.

[Greg James]

Right.

[James Acaster]

And it's like, okay, Benito said it. I should repeat it to them because he's not going to include himself in the edit.

[Greg James]

Well, look, you two know that I am a fan of you two on this podcast, but I have the most amount of respect in the world for people who produce audio. The producers are. Oh, my God.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Greg James]

I immediately meet Benito. I was like, this guy. This guy's just amazing.

[Ed Gamble]

He's a legend.

[Greg James]

Yeah, he is.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. It's his project, really. We're just living in it.

[Greg James]

We haven't even brought up Longboy.

[Ed Gamble]

I haven't even talked about Longboy.

[Greg James]

Oh, my God.

[Ed Gamble]

You know, and as. As it was going on, I was like, I'm loving this episode. It's going really well. And I'm not gonna. I'm not gonna halt the rhythm to talk about Longboy because we have to explain Longboy.

[Greg James]

There's a Longboy chapter in the. In the book, actually. And you feed. In fact, you feature. Have you got the book there? Can I read?

[Ed Gamble]

It's right behind you.

[James Acaster]

Oh, well, Ed's in the book.

[Ed Gamble]

I'm in the book.

[Greg James]

You're in the book as well.

[James Acaster]

Yes.

[Benito (Producer)]

Hang on.

[James Acaster]

In fact, for the listeners, Long Boy was a duck that Greg and all of his listeners were very obsessed with. The world was New York Universe, mainly Greg and his listeners. And the duck passed away. But then a rumor started that Ed Gamble people had eaten Longboard menu.

[Ed Gamble]

There was runner duck. It's really delicious. Yeah, There was duck neck. It was a really delicious.

[Greg James]

So you. That's. When you were on the breakfast show.

[James Acaster]

I called in.

[Greg James]

You called in to give a character witness.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Greg James]

And you said something like. And he'd. He'd eat again. He wants to eat. He wants to eat Pudsy. That's what I remember.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Benito (Producer)]

You see? Yeah, Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

I was gonna eat Pudsy.

[James Acaster]

Pudsy Bear. Yeah. Yeah, he was gonna eat Pudsy Bear. I can't remember why.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, it was around Children in needtime.

[Greg James]

Well, because it was a. Yeah, because he was an innocent animal.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah, but.

[Ed Gamble]

And then I think I said I was going to eat Barney, and I was replying to a picture you put of Barney on Instagram with a knife and fork emoji.

[Greg James]

So then what we.

[James Acaster]

In my. In my memory, you photoshopped a salt and pepper shaker.

[Greg James]

You played the villain so well. I mean, look, people don't fear me, but they do fear Gamble.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, absolutely.

[Greg James]

Definitely.

[James Acaster]

Tell me about it.

[Greg James]

I mean, I fear him.

[Ed Gamble]

Mostly animals.

[Greg James]

But you featured in that. We did this. Maybe the best thing I'll ever do was that I did a state funeral live on the breakfast show for the duck and we did the Lord's Prayer and you were in it. Deliver us from Ed Gamble. For thine is the kingdom, your long neck, the glory forever and ever, our friend, as we forgive hoist sins, as we forgive those who hoist sinned against you.

[James Acaster]

Worth it. Worth the whole journey of speaking about him for years for that. When you get that lie and you go, there you go, there you go.

[Greg James]

The Ed Gamble reference is because there was a strong rumor that he ate longboy on an episode of the Great British Menu. He has never denied this and in fact fanned the flames of it by saying he'd like to eat Pudsey from Children in Need. And then my dog. And then I say page 238, he's a fucking monster and isn't to be trusted. That said, I do really like his podcast off menu.

[Benito (Producer)]

And look, here we are. That's good.

[James Acaster]

There we go.

[Greg James]

There you go.

[James Acaster]

You're not hearing a shout out for me though.

[Benito (Producer)]

Oh, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

James didn't listen to a single word that you said there. Cause he was waiting for his own name.

[Greg James]

Furthermore, more.

[James Acaster]

Great.

[Benito (Producer)]

Here we go.

[Ed Gamble]

He's making this up.

[Greg James]

I also like James Akins. The End.

[James Acaster]

Good book available now. Go out and buy it.

[Ed Gamble]

Greg, thank you so much for coming to the Dream Restaurant. James is going to read your menu.

[Greg James]

Back to you now. It really was a pleasure. Thank you.

[James Acaster]

You like tap water and no shame should be attached to that.

[Greg James]

Thank you.

[James Acaster]

You want poppadoms, you want Marmite cheese on a crumpet as your starter. Grilled cheese main course, fettuccine Alfredo from Alfredo's. And roasted room. Side dish, a secret steak. And you want pizza for the table with cousin Greg.

[Ed Gamble]

Sorry, Cousin Guy.

[James Acaster]

Cousin Guy will be there.

[Ed Gamble]

Who calls Greg. Cousin Greg.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

For the, for the secret steak.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

But around the table is Bella, Cahill and Kearns.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Drink a big bottle of Brunello. And dessert, flan Parisian.

[Ed Gamble]

Beautiful.

[Greg James]

I'm happy.

[Ed Gamble]

That's good.

[James Acaster]

That does sound nice.

[Ed Gamble]

That is a Gaviscon meal.

[Greg James]

It's got sponsored by.

[James Acaster]

You're bookending it with some gabbies. But like that's, that's a very nice noise. But I, I, you know, it won't surprise anyone. The flan is what I want the most there.

[Ed Gamble]

Greg, thank you so much for coming to the Dream Restaurant. It's been wonderful to have you.

[Greg James]

Thanks for inviting me. I've loved it.

[Ed Gamble]

Thank you very much, Greg, for coming on the pod.

[James Acaster]

So lovely to see Greg. James.

[Ed Gamble]

Lovely to see him. Great menu. Great chat.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, loved it. A little Bit of long boy chat at the end. But. But he didn't. Wasn't put runner duck on the menu.

[Ed Gamble]

So he didn't have secret runner duck. He had secret steak but not secret runner duck.

[James Acaster]

Oh, what if the runner duck was so secret he didn't tell us about it.

[Benito (Producer)]

Oh, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

What secret ingredient. But he kept it secret from us.

[James Acaster]

He flipped it on us.

[Ed Gamble]

We've been got wife.

[James Acaster]

His cousin guy was like hid in the. Where the coats all get hung up.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

In the cloak room with the duck in his pocket.

[James Acaster]

A little duck in his pocket. And Greg would go, I'm just gonna go and check on my coat and then we'll go. Just be fed.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

To be fed a bit of runner.

[Ed Gamble]

That would be typical of Greg. James, don't forget to go and get Greg's book. All the best for the future. It sounds great. I mentioned.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. So just. Even if it's just for rereading or listening, if you're getting the audiobook, if.

[Ed Gamble]

You love reading my name written down.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

It's a great book to get, as is Glutton.

[James Acaster]

Oh, yeah, because your name's written down in that.

[Ed Gamble]

We can't. We can't be plugging my book in the bit where we plug Greg's book. But yeah, you can get that as well. And he's on a book tour. If you're listening to this on the day it comes out, Wednesday, October 1st, you can go and see him in Glasgow, if indeed there are any tickets left. And there's still another date in Leeds to come.

[James Acaster]

But maybe I would say October 2nd.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Tomorrow, if you listen to this comes out, he's going to be knocking around somewhere in between the two because very unlikely he'll be coming home to London. So if you want to catch him in the wild on his day off and chat to him, you know, somewhere in between Glasgow and Leeds, I'd say this is what we're breaking up the.

[Ed Gamble]

Journey we always like to do. We always like to give you listeners a little opportunity to interrupt our guests privacy.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah. Disrupt their life on their day off.

[Ed Gamble]

Didn't say run a duck. Of course.

[James Acaster]

Didn't say run a duck.

[Ed Gamble]

And we're glad if you live in some European cities. I'm on tour in Europe. I'm coming all over the place. Copenhagen, Amsterdam, Lisbon, Rotterdam or anywhere. Yes. Not Rome. Even though I'm annoyed now, I'm not doing a tour date in Rome because I could have gone to Alfredo's.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, it would have been great.

[Ed Gamble]

But as it is going To Amsterdam and I think gonna go to wrong gastro bar.

[Greg James]

Yes.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Eat the most hyped up dish. Yeah, I've hyped it up too much, I feel.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. But that's perfect because if it's delicious, I'll be so happy. If it's rubbish. I mean, it's love telling you it's bad.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

And I imagine then I'll learn that on this very podcast you'll save it for. Just drop it on me.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, I probably will, actually.

[James Acaster]

During an episode.

[Benito (Producer)]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Devastate me.

[Ed Gamble]

I'm also touring America next year. EdGamble.co.uk for tickets for all of those. I'm going all over the place in America, James, so I need your at least one must have dish. Hell Bonito. One must have dish in every city because you've been to all of them.

[James Acaster]

Well, they'll all be ice cream.

[Benito (Producer)]

Oh, yeah.

[James Acaster]

When you go to Seattle, go to Molly Moons.

[Ed Gamble]

I am doing Seattle, actually.

[James Acaster]

Great. Go to Molly Moons and get the cobbler ice cream.

[Ed Gamble]

Okay.

[James Acaster]

Benito's hovering over the stop record, but he seems to think that we've just devolved into a normal chat. We would have off the podcast. Which he could be correct.

[Ed Gamble]

Could be correct. Or he's about to sneeze again. Or fart or something.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, he's about to sneeze and fart and do a backflip at the same time. Burp. Do everything at once.

[Ed Gamble]

See you next week.

[James Acaster]

See you next week.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, hi, James. Have you heard the news?

[James Acaster]

Oh, yeah, go on.

[Ed Gamble]

You and I are modern boys. Because the off menu podcast is now on YouTube.

[James Acaster]

This is embarrassing.

[Ed Gamble]

Why is it embarrassing, man? You love YouTube.

[James Acaster]

I love watching clips on YouTube. Sure. Now people can watch clips of off menu on YouTube and full episodes. But it's embarrassing, man.

[Ed Gamble]

It's not embarrassing at all. It's really cool. We're on YouTube with the great and good. The coolest people in the world are on YouTube. Me, you, Logan Paul.

[James Acaster]

Who's Logan Paul? The dad from succession. Off menu podcast. That's what Benito's calling us now. And we're on TikTok. This is embarrassing, man.

[Ed Gamble]

It's not embarrassing, man. We're cool. We're like Olivia, Rodrigo and Ed.

[James Acaster]

People have been asking us, badgering us, bothering us. Actually. They want to watch the Stephen Graham supercut from the Stephen Graham episode so they can see all of his reactions to us, everything that he did or Benito has bent to their whims and he's going to put it on YouTube. He's going to do it.

[Ed Gamble]

Follow us at off menu official on TikTok at Off Menu Podcast on YouTube you can watch clips from the podcast and on YouTube you can watch full video episodes. People have been asking for it and you're finally getting it. Full video episodes. So you can see every single nuance on our little faces.