Ian Smith

Summary

Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster

Episode Summary: Ian Smith (October 22, 2025)

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Main Theme and Purpose

In this raucous and inventive episode of Off Menu, comedians Ed Gamble and James Acaster welcome the brilliantly eccentric Ian Smith into their "dream restaurant." The premise remains: Ian is invited to construct his ideal meal—starter, main, side, dessert, and drink—while gleefully unpacking food memories, Northern idiosyncrasies, and the art of condensing chocolate biscuits in a vice. It’s a deliciously chaotic journey through comfort foods, inventive combinations, family history, and the existential question: can you jelly a cake, or cake a jelly?

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Art of the Introduction & Banter

• The trio riff on Ian’s Northern identity, the "Angel of the North," and the podcast’s ritualistic welcome.
• A running bit involves the dynamic between podcast producers at Off Menu and Ian’s own “Plosive family” gang—complete with “beans on toast” as shorthand for camaraderie. (06:08-08:59)

2. Plugging Ian’s Projects

• Ian’s podcast Northern News gets plugged: "We just get all the sort of bizarre stories from the north, like small town weird stories." (Ian Smith, 06:39)
• The group discuss the awkwardness of plugging one’s own work and the unique tone of Ian's new comedy special “Crushing” and his upcoming tour “Foot Spa Half Empty.” (13:42-16:55)
• Ian’s accidental viral ambitions: "The main thing that I want from this is that we go viral." (Ian Smith, 18:48)

3. Secret Ingredient: Salt & Pepper

• This week’s “banned” ingredient is salt and pepper, inspired by giant condiment-shaped structures in Ian’s hometown of Goole. The rule: if Ian specifically requests adding salt or pepper, he’ll be thrown out. (03:52-04:41)

4. Food, Friendship, and Hairdressers in Tanks

• Storytime! Ian’s unique relationship with his hairdresser ("Dom"), which graduated into proper friendship—to the extent that they drove a tank together in Slovakia. "But he just cut my hair and then we just started chatting and then it sort of developed to get a pint after this... It's just become a really good friendship." (Ian Smith, 16:23)
• The trio muse about making friends as adults, the etiquette of haircuts, and how difficult it is to escape your hairdresser if you become good mates. (15:16-17:57)

5. The Diary and Organization Reveal

• Ian unveils his meticulously color-coded paper diary, surprising James and Ed who perceive him as a chaotic "scamp."
  • "I've always thought of you... as a cheeky little scamp." (James Acaster, 24:10)
  • "But I once lost my diary and I mean, my life's ruined." (Ian Smith, 24:43)
• The diary contains birthdays (marked with stickers), color codes for types of events, and reminders like “Cancel Apple TV.” (24:00-27:31)

6. Sparkling or Still Water?

• Ian’s answer: initially jokes about blood, then settles on “still.”
  • "Blood, bread, please... The whole menu has changed. Trying to complement blood." (28:07)
• Banter continues about going viral (“Northern Comic drinks blood”, 19:20) and hypothetical vampire careers. (20:27-22:31)

7. Dream Bread: Scottish "Buttery" & Aussie Potato Damper

• Ian’s dream bread basket features the Scottish "buttery" (a rich, flaky, lardy roll) and potato damper (Australian potato bread cooked on hot coals).
  • "They're sort of like a bread roll and a croissant... invented for fishermen to give them energy for the day." (Ian Smith, 29:10)
• He wants to finish the bread tableside over coals, with Lloyd Langford present to “de-wankify” pretentious dishes. (29:45-34:32)

8. The Starter: Salmon, Haggis, and Saffron Risotto

• A combo of his favorite (but underused) ingredients.
  • "Do you like pepper? Haggis, by its very nature, it's just a very peppery dish. I reckon a little crumbling of haggis is the same as having a pepper grinder." (Ian Smith, 35:35)
• The haggis “takes the place of pepper,” cleverly sidestepping the secret ingredient.
• Banter about naming inventions (“McOlive Surprise”) and the logic of experimental menus. (35:39-44:02)

9. The Main Course: Slow-cooked Lamb

• “The normal one.” Lamb cooked until melt-in-the-mouth, inspired by a meal in New Zealand.
  • "I want it to be slow cooked... by the time this thing had been cooked, it wasn't sliceable by any means." (Ian Smith, 48:27-51:16)
• Served with “black and dumpy” roasted carrots (inspired by a Reykjavik restaurant) and “waffle wow” (potato waffles). Discussions spiral into places NOT to eat lamb (funerals, train toilets, unused nappies). (53:23-56:09)

10. The Side Dish: Potato Waffles

• Nostalgic joy for Bird’s Eye potato waffles:
  • "They're waffly versatile." (A real-time revelation for Ian, who had been saying "waffling versatile" his whole life!) (57:16-58:38)
• Extended love letter to potato waffles, their delicious versatility, and memories of eating them with friends (or building waffle towers like Lego). (59:01-63:41)

11. Inventor Personality and Odd Eating Habits

• Ian’s childhood food “inventions,” including scoring roast chicken (believing he invented pulled pork) and squashing penguin bars in a woodwork vice to enhance flavor.
  • "I had to stop myself doing something because... I couldn't live like that." (Ian Smith, 68:21)

12. Dream Drink: Dandelion & Burdock

• Fentimans’ herbal soda is the pick, praised for its “medicinal” taste.
  • "My favorite fizzy drink is dandelion and burdock." (Ian Smith, 73:10)
• Jokes about the mixology of “Red hot iron ball and elderflower”—and learning in real time that dandelion and burdock isn’t a brand, but a flavor. (72:55-75:22)

13. Dessert: Jellied Cake ("Trifled" Swiss Roll)

• Ian’s dad, a former Navy chef, makes trifles using Swiss roll instead of sponge fingers; red jelly poured over Battenberg and Swiss roll so it soaks in.
  • "What my dad would do is he'd cut up a Swiss roll... pour in hot jelly over that... you get like a mixture of sponge and jelly. It's like a jelly sponge cake." (Ian Smith, 85:32)
• Contemplating the semantics: "Can you jelly a cake, or cake a jelly?" (86:58-87:23)

14. The Chocolatey Epilogue: Peppermint Square

• Ian’s favorite after-meal treat: a peppermint slice (like a peppermint millionaire’s shortbread, but rare outside northern Scotland).
  • "Anytime I go to Aberdeen... I will walk around... to try and find a bakery that's got one." (Ian Smith, 88:31)
• A poignant note about the social anxiety of leaving shops empty-handed and what he’s bought out of awkwardness ("a Mondeo, can barely drive").

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On hairdresser-friend dynamics:
  "He just cut my hair and then we just started chatting and then it sort of developed to get a pint after this... and it's just become a really good friendship." (16:23)
• The Diary Reveal:
  "It's color coordinated." (23:21)
  "If you think that's sad? It's color coordinated." (23:19)
• On bread:
  "Butteries are... sort of like a bread roll and a croissant... invented for fishermen..." (29:10)
• On haggis as pepper:
  "I reckon a little crumbling of haggis is the same as having a pepper grinder." (35:35)
• Waffly Versatile Revelation:
  "I've been saying waffling versatile all this time." (57:57)
• On invention myths:
  "I genuinely thought I invented pulled pork." (64:40)
• Vice-cooking:
  "I pull it out and I... it tasted incredible. All the flavor again, it's been condensed and it just... almost like a truffle." (67:54-68:21)
• Dessert description:
  "Pour in hot jelly over that... a mixture of sponge and jelly. It's like a jelly sponge cake." (85:38)
• On shop awkwardness:
  "I can't go into a cafe... and just go. Not for me. And walk out... (James & Ed reassure him that he can)" (89:07-89:17)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

| Timestamp | Topic/Quote | |-----------|-----------------------------------------------------------------------| | 06:08 | Banter about beans on toast and producer relationships | | 16:23 | Ian on becoming friends with his hairdresser and driving a tank | | 23:21 | Diary reveal: "It's color coordinated." | | 29:10 | Description of Scottish "buttery" bread | | 35:35 | Haggis as a substitute for pepper | | 57:57 | The great "waffly" vs. "waffling" versatile jingle misunderstanding | | 64:40 | Childhood myth: "I genuinely thought I invented pulled pork." | | 85:38 | How to make jellied cake from trifle and Swiss roll | | 88:31 | The peppermint square quest in Aberdeen | | 89:08 | On not buying things out of awkwardness |

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The Full "Dream" Menu

• Water: (Jokingly) Blood; otherwise, still; alternatively, "bobbing for apples" (93:00)
• Bread: Basket with Scottish “buttery/rowie” and potato damper, finished over hot coals (29:10-31:13)
• Starter: Salmon, haggis, and saffron risotto—“McOlive Surprise” (35:00-44:12)
• Main Course: Slow-cooked lamb with roasted black & dumpy carrots (from Reykjavik) and “waffle wow” (Bird's Eye potato waffles) (48:27-64:31)
• Side Dish: Potato waffles (“waffly versatile”) (57:16-64:31)
• Drink: Fentimans Dandelion & Burdock, ice-cold, no ice (72:55-76:34)
• Dessert: Jellied cake made from sponge cake, Battenberg and Swiss roll, soaked with jelly (85:32-87:23)
• Petit Fours/Chocolate: Peppermint square/slice from Scottish bakeries (88:18-89:36)

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Ian's Dream Meal: In a Nutshell

A menu that balances nostalgia, invention, and randomness, all narrated with Northern wit:

• A bread basket that’s part fisherman, part arsonist;
• A starter that’s a pepper-substitute loophole;
• Melt-in-the-mouth lamb with dumpy black carrots and a nostalgic Bird’s Eye side;
• Dessert as a "jelly-soaked sponge cake", plus a peppermint square chaser;
• Washed down with herbal fizzy pop.

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Tone & Style

The atmosphere is unguarded, playful, and infectiously silly—full of tangents, food nerdity, and the uniquely British charm of seeing sincerity and chaos through the same lens. Ian Smith brings wild anecdotes and original (sometimes utterly bonkers) food ideas, met with Ed and James’s dry teasing, genuine curiosity, and warm encouragement.

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For First-Time Listeners

This episode is a quintessential “Off Menu” romp: anarchic, food-obsessed, and sprawling—a celebration of comfort food, family quirks, culinary invention, and why nobody should feel obliged to buy a Mondeo.

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To Explore Further

• Ian Smith's tour dates and special "Crushing"
• Northern News podcast
• More Plosive podcasts

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Notable Quote of the Episode
"I reckon a little crumbling of haggis is the same as having a pepper grinder."
—Ian Smith, (35:35)

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*Catch Ian’s menu of madness, and stick around for sticker charts, vampire ethics, and the true meaning of “waffly versatile.”

Transcript

[Ian Smith]

In an ideal world, what I wanted, I wanted to self fertilize. I wanted to have children that were exactly my genetics so that I could show them to my parents and go see. It was my childhood. They're fine. Hello, I'm Sarah Pascoe and I'm on.

[Ed Gamble]

Tour with my show.

[Ian Smith]

I am a strange gloop. I don't really agree with marriage. It's too long, isn't it?

[T-Mobile Advertiser]

Forever.

[Ed Gamble]

I'm going all over the UK and Ireland. You can find tickets at sarahpascoe.co.uk.com.

[Ian Smith]

Is.

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[T-Mobile Character (Jeffrey)]

Morning Zoe. Got donuts.

[T-Mobile Advertiser]

Jeff Bridges why are you still living above our garage?

[T-Mobile Character (Jeffrey)]

Well, I dig the mattress and I want to be in a T mobile commercial like you teach me.

[T-Mobile Advertiser]

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[T-Mobile Character (Jeffrey)]

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[T-Mobile Advertiser]

Nice Jeffrey, you heard them.

[T-Mobile Character (Jeffrey)]

T Mobile is the best place to.

[Ed Gamble]

Get the new iPhone 17 Pro on.

[James Acaster]

Us with eligible trade in in any condition.

[T-Mobile Character (Jeffrey)]

So what are we having for launch?

[T-Mobile Advertiser]

Dude, my work here is done with.

[T-Mobile Legal/Disclaimer Voice]

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[Ed Gamble]

Can't I just let it go?

[Ian Smith]

Wish I would stop.

[T-Mobile Legal/Disclaimer Voice]

Thank you so much.

[T-Mobile Advertiser]

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[Ed Gamble]

Welcome to the Off Menu Podcast. Taking the pistachios of humor. Cracking the shells of friendship and popping them into the mouth of the Internet.

[James Acaster]

Just pistachios?

[Ed Gamble]

Yep.

[James Acaster]

That's a gamble. My name is James Acaster. Together we own a dream restaurant. And every single week we're inviting a guest and ask them their favourite ever start a main course, dessert side dish and drink. Not in that order. And this week, the guest is Ian Smith.

[Ed Gamble]

Ian Smith, a wonderful comedian. James.

[James Acaster]

So funny. One of the most naturally funny people I think I've ever met in my life.

[Ed Gamble]

Very funny, very funny comedian, podcaster. He has a podcast called Northern News that he does with another friend of the pod, Amy Gledhill.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. So imagine how funny that is. Yes, The Amy Gledhill episode. Funny as hell. Ian Smith, funny as hell. Both of them together.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes. He's also released a special called Crushing, which you must go and watch.

[James Acaster]

Amazing show. Ian Smith is on tour, of course, from November with foot spa half empty. For dates and Tickets go to iansmithcomedian.com.

[Ed Gamble]

Looking forward to talking to Ian. But if he has a secret ingredient on which we have pre agreed, he'll be thrown out of the dream restaurant.

[James Acaster]

Dropped.

[Ed Gamble]

James has come up with this one and I think it's harsh.

[James Acaster]

This week, the secret ingredient is salt and pepper.

[Ed Gamble]

Salt and pepper. There's a reason for this, isn't there, James?

[James Acaster]

Ian comes from Gaul, and in Gaul they have the salt and pepper pots. These giant. I think they're like towers for something. Like they look like water towers or like nuclear power plant shit. But they're nicknamed the salt and pepper pots.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[James Acaster]

And he spoke about them before. He did a really funny series online about Ghoul and he spoke about it on stage. So I associate Ian with the salt and pepper pots. Now, I know it's harsh to say salt and pepper because it's probably in everything. So we're gonna say if Ian specifies that he wants to add some salt and pepper to something, that's when we'll kick him out.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[James Acaster]

Or even if he's, like, saying the ingredients and says, salt and pepper. Yeah, salt and pepper is very important. That that's gotta be in there, you know? And look, we haven't kicked anyone out in ages.

[Ed Gamble]

No. And I don't think anyone's actually ever said, oh, and don't forget, I'm gonna put salt and pepper all over this.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, that's what I thought, is that. I can't really remember that happening very often. So if he deserves it, and I.

[Ed Gamble]

Would say if I was picking a Fried egg.

[James Acaster]

You would put salt and pepper on the fried egg. You would specify that?

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Wow. Yeah. I don't think I would specify for a fried egg. I think I'd specify pepper for certain things. Like if I, you know.

[Ed Gamble]

You're not putting salt and pepper on a fried egg.

[James Acaster]

No, I just eat it. Let's have it as it is. Maybe on a boiled egg. Salt and pepper.

[Ed Gamble]

Correct. But why not the fried.

[James Acaster]

Completely different.

[Ed Gamble]

If I'm having fried eggs and bacon.

[James Acaster]

Mm.

[Ed Gamble]

I'm putting salt and pepper on the egg and I'm putting pepper on the bacon.

[James Acaster]

Maybe some pepper, but not some salt. I mean, the. The bacon's salty enough. I want that to salt up the egg.

[Ed Gamble]

It's not gonna salt up the egg. No. You're mad.

[James Acaster]

I am mad. Mad.

[Ed Gamble]

For Ian Smith, this is the off menu. Menu of welcome, Ian, to the Dream Restaurant.

[Ian Smith]

Thank you.

[James Acaster]

Welcome. Here's Myth to the Dream Restaurant. Vince. Venue for some time. Thank you.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah, thank you very much. I've only ever heard that before. I've never seen it.

[James Acaster]

Well, I don't normally laugh during it, but, like, I liked your cheery hello.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[James Acaster]

For some reason it made me laugh.

[Ed Gamble]

How did it. Did the way it look.

[James Acaster]

I find you funny.

[Ed Gamble]

Did the way it looked match up to how it sounds for you?

[Ian Smith]

Oh, well, is that gonna spoil it for people if they've got an image but his arms are out like the angel of the North.

[James Acaster]

Oh.

[Ed Gamble]

Always comes back to the North.

[James Acaster]

How long did that take everyone?

[Ian Smith]

That wasn't meant to be a cynical. I'm Northern. What's my only angle, really?

[Ed Gamble]

It's happened. You want to plug your podcast Northern News.

[James Acaster]

Northern News.

[Ed Gamble]

So you immediately brought up the angel of the North?

[Ian Smith]

Because that looks like that's what I've done.

[James Acaster]

Well, listen, you've done it now we're here. Tell us about Northern News, Ian.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah. It's a podcast very much like this, sort of format wise.

[James Acaster]

Recorded in this room, to be fair.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah, recorded in this room, often overlapping with an episode of Off Menu. I can hear it in the background.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ian Smith]

We just get all the sort of bizarre stories from the north, like small town weird stories and we talk about. We talk about them.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ian Smith]

It doesn't sound like there's much to it.

[James Acaster]

I've been on it. It's a podcast.

[Ian Smith]

It doesn't mean much to it.

[Ed Gamble]

I love it. It's a great podcast. It's part of the Plosive family.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

I've been on it. And you get a guest to bring in funny news story from their local area where they grew up. Unfortunately, I grew up in London, so all of the local news stories I found were quite violent.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah, it's harder to find. You've gotta get more creative with your searches in London. You've got to put stuff like I put Weird in quotation marks, but then it'll just be like, man, stabbed in weird way. Yeah, yeah. It's difficult. Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Just to be clear as well. Oh, yeah, you record it here. You're part of the Plosive family, but Benito is not your producer. You have a different producer.

[Ian Smith]

No, no, I've never seen him at the helm of a podcast before.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, it's very different Vibe isn't. Cause, like, you come in today and your producer is here and she's having lunch out there, and you came in and your interaction with her really made me think, oh, that's a nicer vibe than what we've got going. Yeah. Cause you went beans on toast to her and she went, yeah, I'm eating beans on toast.

[Ed Gamble]

Just to clarify, she was eating beans on toast. That is not Ian's nickname for the producer.

[James Acaster]

No. I mean, it's not like she hasn't got a dog called Beans. And Ben had his dog in and they were mated, but, like, said beans on toast. She was like, yeah, that's right. And I was thinking, if I came in and I was eating beer on toast and I went, bees on toast. He would scrunch his face up at me and go, yes. It would be like. And, yeah. And then like, oh, sorry. And then, like, yeah, we came in here before the podcast and he said to us, like, yeah, we're warm enough. And Ed said, I'm a bit cold. He went with the heaters on. And we sat down.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

And I was thinking, it must be very different for you, your gangs. Like, I've seen your gang on nights out before together. Yeah.

[Ian Smith]

You and Amy, we hang out. If it's too cold, Anya will put her beans on toast closer to us. So the heat from the beans will get us, if that's what's needed.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, that's nice.

[Ian Smith]

This Ben, he's a surly, miserable.

[James Acaster]

Yes, it's a different vibe for you guys.

[Ed Gamble]

But also what I would say to back Benito up slightly is if you came in and shouted beans on toast, and he was eating beans on toast, and he would go, yes, and scrunch his face up. So that should show you that he doesn't like that sort of thing.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

But instead what you do is you Then do it more.

[James Acaster]

I try and break through that wall. I want to.

[Ed Gamble]

He doesn't want you to break through the wall.

[James Acaster]

I want to.

[Ed Gamble]

He likes his wall and he loves being behind it.

[Ian Smith]

Have you not in all this time found something that. That Benito would like?

[Ed Gamble]

He does it. He loves it. He laughs on the podcast when we do something wrong.

[James Acaster]

Yes. He likes that.

[Ed Gamble]

If we're embarrassed or we say something wrong. He loves that.

[James Acaster]

He likes our own. Like. Yeah. If we fall short of what is expected of us.

[Ed Gamble]

James. James once got the name of a guest wrong at the top of the episode, and Benito loved that, even though.

[James Acaster]

I got it wrong because he had sent us the name of the guest beforehand and Autocorrect had changed their name. So it was kind of his fault.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[Ian Smith]

So you. And you just went with the Autocorrect.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. And it really gave away that I didn't, which is obviously awful because I've already spoke to them in the, you know, out there. I've already been like, hey, welcome to the podcast. So glad you're on it. We're so excited.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Sit down. Get their name wrong.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah. You don't know who they are?

[James Acaster]

No. And then they know that. Oh, okay. This guy's full of shit.

[Ian Smith]

I was once at a gig, brought under the comp air when. Time for our next act. It's. And then they looked over at me and they went, ah, I'm looking at him. And I know him, I know him, I know him. And then they said, what's your name? And I looked at that. I was in a mood. And I looked at their promoter. I was like, I'm not. I'm not saying my fucking name. I'm not shouting own name out.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Ian Smith]

It's Ian Smith. And then going, one of my favorite comedians.

[Ed Gamble]

Good friend of mine. Yeah.

[Ian Smith]

Just in a mood. I was silent. And then the promoter went, Ian Smith. But in that sort of tone. And then I died on my ass for 20 minutes.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, of course. No respect from that.

[Ed Gamble]

Also, if a comp has forgotten your name, even if he remembered it, no offense to your name, but it sounds like he's made it up on the spot.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I get brought on as Ian Stone quite a lot. Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Really?

[Ian Smith]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Listener. Ian Stone is a completely different comedian, 60s and 6, of a different generation.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I'll do his stuff. He's got good gear.

[Ed Gamble]

He's a good comedian.

[James Acaster]

To be fair, you put in Stone in any room is going to rip it.

[Ian Smith]

So I'll take that yeah, more so than me, actually.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Right. We'll do respect.

[Ed Gamble]

I think that was the subtext of what James was saying.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Ian Smith]

Putting in stone in it. There was an emphasis on stone. Putting in stone in any room.

[James Acaster]

But no, just to be clear. More than any of us, I think obliterates our hit rate. Combined, the three of us.

[Ed Gamble]

So I think you said the angel of the north because you are connected with the North. That's where your heart lies. Because I think there's other outstretched arms, things that you could have compared, James.

[Ian Smith]

Sure.

[Ed Gamble]

Titanic.

[Ian Smith]

Titanic Jesus.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah.

[Ian Smith]

But I think that's it. Titanic Jesus, angel of the North, Paul.

[Ed Gamble]

Gorton from the Traitors, just before he bowed.

[James Acaster]

Oh, yeah, of course. Sorry. Heads up.

[Ed Gamble]

A job.

[James Acaster]

Can't get his head out of that. Apologies.

[Ian Smith]

I think all four of them would get on as well.

[Ed Gamble]

I think they would. That's dream dinner party lineup. Dream blunt rotation.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Jesus, Paul from the Traitors, angel of the north and Kate Winslet, I guess.

[Ian Smith]

Is the off blunt rotation. Yeah, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

That's a good idea. Well, it's a good new format point for off menu, really, isn't it? We do poppadoms or bread and then do dream blunt rotation.

[James Acaster]

Pass the blunt. If you were. If we were. I mean, we are sat in the circle.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[James Acaster]

If you had to pass the blunt. Now I'm opposite you, so I guess I'm out.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

But if you got to pass the blunt to either Benito or Ed, and.

[Ed Gamble]

Don'T be swayed by musical youth, who of course said pass the duchy to the left hand side.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Don't mean.

[Ian Smith]

Hang on. What? So I'm.

[James Acaster]

How did he.

[Ian Smith]

I'm no longer making up the people. It's just. Who would I pass?

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Ian Smith]

Who would I pass drugs to? Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Now.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Ian Smith]

Well, I'd say Ben doesn't like having been shouted at him. I don't know if he's going to be a big recreational drug user, so I'd probably say Ed. And if I'd never met Ed before, I'd be like, he's got tattoos.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Ian Smith]

He doesn't have tattoos.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ian Smith]

Druggie.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah.

[Ian Smith]

Never touched a drug.

[Ed Gamble]

So you're passing to me, then I have to pass to James, which leaves James in the unfortunate situation of passing.

[James Acaster]

To the great back to Ed. I guess. I guess that's what I gotta do.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Dream blunt rotation.

[James Acaster]

Also, let's talk about your new tour show. Crushing.

[Ian Smith]

Oh, oh, oh.

[James Acaster]

So let's talk about.

[Ed Gamble]

You made another mistake. Benito's loving it.

[James Acaster]

Here's the thing as well.

[Ed Gamble]

Look, he's genuinely smiling.

[James Acaster]

I was gonna. Yeah, now he's smiling. Cause I made a mistake. See how delighted he is?

[Ian Smith]

He does like that.

[James Acaster]

He's really happy that I fucked it up and that it's your new special and not your new tour show.

[Ian Smith]

But it was a tour and now it's been announced a special.

[James Acaster]

Well, here's the really bad thing. I was gonna, for a joke, get the name wrong. Cause I'd done that.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

We talked about me getting names. I was gonna get the name of your special wrong, and I thought, nah, don't do that. Do it proper. And then I got it wrong anyway.

[Ed Gamble]

Wrong anyway. Yeah, you're a natural.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, I'm a natural. Crushing the new comedy special for me and Smith.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah. I did a show. And then you just do it. You do it until. Until you're nearly barred of it.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. Oh, I just realized you're bad at plugging your own stuff.

[Ian Smith]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Okay. Yeah.

[James Acaster]

This is. No, but whatever is about to happen here, it's not gonna get more eyes on this stuff.

[Ian Smith]

Really?

[Ed Gamble]

Really.

[Ian Smith]

It's good. It's good. It's about stress, romance.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ian Smith]

And driving a tank over a car with your hairdresser. That's the three main things.

[James Acaster]

That's good, actually, to be honest. That's gonna get a lot of eyes on it. That's good. Yeah, that's. A lot of people are gonna be intrigued by that.

[Ian Smith]

Not a lot of comedians are doing.

[Ed Gamble]

Tank stuff, especially with the hairdresser.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

I know a lot of comedians are doing driving a tank over a car, but they're never with a hairdresser.

[Ian Smith]

And a lot of people doing hairdresser stuff.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ian Smith]

But I'm the only one who's seen the opportunity to combine the gap in the market in Slovakia as well.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, wow. There you go. Another usp.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

I mean, I can't even imagine being in Slovakia with my hairdresser.

[Ian Smith]

Really.

[James Acaster]

I mean, that's gonna. I. I want to hear the story just to know how you ended up. Even if I bumped into them, I'd be like, this is crazy. Yeah, really? But so you've either gone on holiday with your hairdresser or you've bumped into them in Slovakia.

[Ed Gamble]

Or they were in the car.

[James Acaster]

Or they were in the.

[Ian Smith]

Oh, oh, oh.

[Ed Gamble]

You drove the tank over.

[James Acaster]

I don't like him so.

[Ed Gamble]

Well. No, you just realized just the last second as the tank went over, you're like, that's my head. Oh, yeah.

[Ian Smith]

I'm have to find someone else rather than. I've killed someone. Yeah, yeah. Be like, ah, to find someone else.

[Ed Gamble]

Say hairdresser rather than barber.

[James Acaster]

Oh, here we go.

[Ed Gamble]

No, it's just. I'm interested.

[Ian Smith]

I don't know why. I've always introduced him as my work. We had a conversation where I'd introduce him as my hairdresser and then as we got to know each other more, I'd introduce him as my friend.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes, that's lovely.

[Ian Smith]

But the first few times I introduced him to someone early on in our relationship, I would probably say, this is my hairdresser, Dom.

[James Acaster]

And he'd be standing behind you. Yeah, always.

[Ian Smith]

But, yeah, he'd be behind them and I'd give them a mirror. That's my hairdresser behind you.

[James Acaster]

Oh, very nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's very nice.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah. But he just cut my hair and then we just started chatting and then it sort of developed to get a pint after this.

[James Acaster]

Wow.

[Ian Smith]

We'd have. But he's into comedy. I've done some little comedy films with him. And. Yeah. Then we'd start drinking and then it would be more calculated, like, when can we get our hair? Well, I get my haircut, he won't let me do his. But what time is good for you to cut my hair? Where. Then there's free time afterwards where we.

[Ed Gamble]

Can hang out for a little bit.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah, yeah. And it's just become a really good friendship.

[James Acaster]

It's.

[Ian Smith]

Some people would say it's sad that you've had to get a friendship through essentially the service industry, but. No, I think it's lovely.

[Ed Gamble]

Hey, look, a lot of men do it.

[Ian Smith]

She's my friend. She's my friend. Really. More than anything.

[Ed Gamble]

We message. We message a lot.

[James Acaster]

Your hair looks fantastic as well. Which is. Which is. Which is just as well because, like, it's hard to, like, really, even when you're not friends with your hairdresser, to leave yet to go somewhere else and get your hair. I find it's a bit awkward.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah, yeah.

[James Acaster]

If I was really good friends with them, then I'll be like, well, how am I? If they stopped doing a good job, I'll be like, what?

[Ed Gamble]

Well, James and I were friends with our hairdresser for a bit. We had the same hairdresser, but then. But then he sorted out the awkwardness by just quitting hairdressing.

[James Acaster]

So we didn't. I mean, it wasn't awkward because we were happy with our hair, but when he quit, you're like, well, let's go somewhere. Yeah, I've just put my first one somewhere. It's close to me, you see, it's mainly a distance thing. I was traveling all that way to go and get my haircut.

[Ian Smith]

I think I'd travel far for Dom.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

How far? Slovakia, I guess. Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

So that was a good plug.

[Ian Smith]

That's good plug. Well done, man.

[James Acaster]

Hair plugs.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah, yeah.

[James Acaster]

Oh, bad. You got to clip that. Because that's more of a visual thing.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Is that. Ed just looked at it and went. It wasn't even. I didn't even. The joke I made wasn't even. It was just like. It was. It was just like, answer smash or whatever.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

On a council of games. Hair plugs.

[Ed Gamble]

And then I looked at Ian straight away for a reaction and got nothing.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah. Well, I didn't know what to say to her.

[Ed Gamble]

No, fair enough.

[Ian Smith]

No, I think eventually there was a little pause, but then I said, yes.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, it's a yes. It's a yes. Rather than the laugh.

[James Acaster]

You gotta clip that up. That's gonna go viral.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Ian Smith]

The main thing that I want from this is that we go viral.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[Ian Smith]

At some point.

[James Acaster]

It would be great.

[Ed Gamble]

Should we begin and see what virality we can see?

[James Acaster]

I'm gonna ask you for the first question. You got to go viral. What?

[Ian Smith]

My answer for this.

[James Acaster]

Still a spark, that water.

[Ian Smith]

But what?

[Ed Gamble]

Difficult to go viral with.

[Ian Smith]

It's hard to go viral with that, isn't it?

[James Acaster]

Oh, come on.

[Ed Gamble]

Blood.

[James Acaster]

That'd be great. Give that the right title, clickbait wise.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah. Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Northern Comic drinks blood.

[Ian Smith]

Northern Comic destroys heckler with blood.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Have you ever destroyed a heckler?

[Ian Smith]

I don't think there's any left now. They've all been destroyed.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Ian Smith]

They've all humanely blown up.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Ian Smith]

Like a bike left at a train station.

[Ed Gamble]

Do they blow up bikes?

[Ian Smith]

They destroy them. Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Do they?

[Ian Smith]

It'll say, if a bike's left unattended, they'll get destroyed.

[Ed Gamble]

But I thought they only did that with things that could have bombs in them.

[Ian Smith]

A bike can have a bomb in it.

[Ed Gamble]

No bikes. The bike's got no. A bike's got no insides. A bike's showing everything off, isn't it?

[Ian Smith]

The frames, tires, something in there.

[Ed Gamble]

You're not getting much of a bomb in there, are you?

[James Acaster]

Stinking.

[Ed Gamble]

Basically getting a firework in there.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Stink bombs. Ah.

[James Acaster]

Grew up on the Beano. Stink bombs is a big thing in my head.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah. Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Stink bombs, pea shooters, catapults.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Ian Smith]

Really?

[James Acaster]

They're big in Beano world.

[Ed Gamble]

Big piles of sausage. And mash.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah. I think I've only had two of out of that list.

[James Acaster]

Sausage and mash.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah. And a catapult. Am I allowed to take back blood?

[James Acaster]

No, I don't think so. That was your answer.

[Ian Smith]

I don't really want.

[Ed Gamble]

If you don't mind not going viral.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah, I don't mind not going viral.

[Ed Gamble]

Okay, you can take back blood.

[James Acaster]

Do you think you'd be a good vampire if you became a vampire, someone bit you and turned you into one?

[Ed Gamble]

I guess it's a traditional way. Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Yes.

[Ian Smith]

But there's all. What came first, the vampire or the bite.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, sure.

[Ed Gamble]

Bat.

[Ian Smith]

A bat.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, a bat started it.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah. Okay.

[James Acaster]

Like Covid.

[Ian Smith]

I think I would be a good vampire. Mike, can I ask a secondary question before I answer?

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[Ian Smith]

What makes a bad vampire?

[Ed Gamble]

Good point.

[James Acaster]

I guess, like, you've really got to want to be a vampire. You gotta. Want to go around fighting people.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Drinking blood. Staying up all night. Not. Not ever being in daylight again.

[Ian Smith]

Oh, yeah.

[James Acaster]

You know, you've got to enjoy that lifestyle, otherwise you're going to be miserable for eternity.

[Ed Gamble]

Well, like the guy, I don't know if he ever saw True Blood, the show True Blood, but there was vampires in that who didn't want to kill humans and drink blood. So they. They found a way of making like synthetic blood that you could sustain yourself on.

[Ian Smith]

Oh. So, yeah, that'd be all right even if I didn't like it. But yeah, I think nightlife wise, I'd probably hang out a lot at the hippodrome. 24 hours. Yeah. So, yeah, I'd probably get up at. Get up at Sunset, go to the Hippodrome, try and get a circle of friends in the sort of poker world.

[Ed Gamble]

It's gonna be some sad characters around there, aren't there?

[Ian Smith]

Yeah, but they're the ones that I'll kill.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, okay, great.

[Ian Smith]

Don't have to eat them.

[James Acaster]

No, don't eat them.

[Ian Smith]

But I've added that in their blood. Yeah, but that's how good a vampire I'd be.

[Ed Gamble]

You see the whole thing, you go. You go to the Drum Casino at Sunset, spend all night there befriending sad, lonely people, and then eat the. Eat their blood.

[Ian Smith]

What do they call it at a restaurant? Like top to tail?

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Ian Smith]

Top to tail.

[Ed Gamble]

Nose to tail.

[Ian Smith]

Nose to tail.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

And you probably preach to all the other vampires how you shouldn't be wasting.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Whole animal hair to foot.

[Ian Smith]

I'd call it. Be a hair to foot vampire hat to shoe. Yeah, yeah.

[James Acaster]

Would you bite your hairdresser or Amy Gledhill.

[Ian Smith]

No, people. People who are people I work with. Offering close friends. I don't think I would.

[Ed Gamble]

No.

[Ian Smith]

Unless they wanted to be a vampire as well.

[James Acaster]

You'd leave them be.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah. So I'd probably tell them that I was a vampire.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Ian Smith]

Because with the scheduling of doing the podcast, Amy, be like, can we do, like, one o'?

[Ed Gamble]

Clock?

[Ian Smith]

Yeah. What, in July? Like, no, we can't.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Ian Smith]

I'm a vampire.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Remember, I keep telling you.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah, but she. If I told her I was a vampire, she'd just say, save it for the pod.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ian Smith]

We can't have any conversation that looks like it might be a good conversation without having to stop it and be like, oh, let's just save.

[Ed Gamble]

Save it for the pod.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah. Sad, isn't it?

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Well, you said that about your notebook at the top. Edwin's comment on your notebook, and you.

[Ed Gamble]

Went, not a notebook.

[James Acaster]

What is it?

[Ian Smith]

It's a diary.

[Ed Gamble]

He's got a paper note with a notebook section, which is classic vampire behavior.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Ian Smith]

And wait till you see this for a paper note book. You think that's sad? It's color coordinated.

[James Acaster]

Wow. You've highlighted.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Joe.

[Ian Smith]

What? We can't use this clip, by the way, because the amount I get paid for gigs is written on there as well.

[Ed Gamble]

That'll go viral.

[James Acaster]

This is not what I would expect of you, Ian.

[Ian Smith]

Really?

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Like, this is, like. Not that I think of you as a disorganized person. I've known you for a long time. You're very hardworking, talented man.

[Ian Smith]

Thank you.

[James Acaster]

But I would not expect you to be this regimented with, like.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

You got about four different colours there that you're using to highlight things. It's like.

[Ed Gamble]

We're interviewing Stephen Bartlett.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ian Smith]

Oh, yeah.

[James Acaster]

Stephen Bartlett.

[Ian Smith]

Can I quickly talk about Huell as well? I've got some good stuff about Huel.

[Ed Gamble]

That's your answer for still a sparkling.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[James Acaster]

I mean, I don't really know what to say about that because it's like just a completely different person in my mind.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Ian Smith]

Really?

[James Acaster]

Yeah. I've always thought of you. I'd say you fall into the scamp category.

[Ian Smith]

Really?

[James Acaster]

A scamp?

[Ian Smith]

Cheeky little scamp.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

A bit of a cheeky little scam.

[Ed Gamble]

I think what James is saying is he didn't expect you to have an organized diary. He expected all of all of your stuff to be written on a leaf in.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Let's find a middle ground.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah. I think I give off A very sort of gravy kind of. No.

[James Acaster]

Come on.

[Ian Smith]

Dumb, dumb novel?

[Ed Gamble]

Is that what you're saying?

[Ian Smith]

No, if that's what you mean, that's absolutely fine.

[James Acaster]

Maybe I do have to go away and examine that.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah. But I once lost my diary and I mean, my life's ruined.

[Ed Gamble]

Well, this is the problem with the paper diary, isn't it?

[Ian Smith]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Do you have a digital backup?

[Ian Smith]

I have a part digital backup. I will back it up. I back it up. Basically, whenever someone's gone, you got a paper diary.

[Ed Gamble]

Right.

[Ian Smith]

And then I remember I should back that up.

[Ed Gamble]

So surely that'd be every day someone says that.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ian Smith]

No, I don't get my diary out a lot.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Ian Smith]

I've gone not really in demand. Work wise for me.

[James Acaster]

That's chock a block.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, that is chock a block.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. But let all three colors mean day off.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah. Only orange is personal time.

[Ed Gamble]

Can you give us a little. A little preview of the diary? Little sneak peek.

[Ian Smith]

Right. Oh, fucking hell. This is sad. Well, this is our September starts. All right. Coming back from Berlin. That's in orange. That's my time.

[Ed Gamble]

This is last September.

[Ian Smith]

Last September, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Come back. You and your hairdresser.

[Ian Smith]

No, no, this was a more reasonable Berlin with my girlfriend visiting her brother and his wife.

[Ed Gamble]

Lovely.

[Ian Smith]

Come back on the third in yellow because this is something I need to remember. Cancel my Apple TV subscription. And we're currently in January. I still got Apple tv. Yeah, still got it.

[Ed Gamble]

So the color coding doesn't work at all.

[Ian Smith]

Still got it. I haven't watched anything Severance in there. Phil Wang party. I've written Phil Wang party.

[James Acaster]

What colour is that?

[Ian Smith]

That's in yellow as well.

[James Acaster]

So that's something you have to remember.

[Ian Smith]

That's an appointment I need to remember.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. It's not perfect.

[James Acaster]

That doesn't get orange. That gets yellow.

[Ian Smith]

No, that should get orange.

[Ed Gamble]

Is it party or is it cancel Phil Wang party.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ian Smith]

Oh, yes, yes. So get an Apple TV subscription and cancel Phil Wang's party.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, cancel Phil Wang. He says a lot of questionable stuff.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Then it's just Gigs Northern News. Oh, here we go. You'll love this birthday Kudu. Have you been to Kudu Beckham?

[Ed Gamble]

We have. We all went together on a menu trip.

[Ian Smith]

Oh, yeah.

[James Acaster]

Delicious.

[Ian Smith]

Captain Yellow.

[James Acaster]

Because you gotta remember it, not your birthday. Doesn't feel personal.

[Ian Smith]

Your birthday's got a little sticker on it, actually.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, stickers. I didn't know there's stickers involved.

[Ian Smith]

Is.

[James Acaster]

What are the stickers about in the. Where do you buy the stickers from.

[Ian Smith]

You don't buy the sticker. That'd be humiliating. In the back of your pad. Yeah, you get this little section here. Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

It's a little pocket that's also completely. You couldn't put anything in it because it's open at the bottom.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah, well, you put your hand for it.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Ian Smith]

Because it's well used. Yeah, but that had little stickers in it. And I thought, I want to use those stickers for something. So I pop them down on my mum's birthday, my dad's birthday. My brother's been seeing this and. Yeah. And then my own, which I think has become sad.

[James Acaster]

Yes.

[Ed Gamble]

But what other stickers are they.

[James Acaster]

What's it sticker of on your own birthday?

[Ian Smith]

You'll love this birthday cake. You'll love that. That's food.

[James Acaster]

Why don't you use a diary in your phone? Or, like, so that it's, you know, you couldn't lose it, you know?

[Ian Smith]

Yeah, yeah. I mean, it's a good question, I think. I like to visualize where. Listen, I've said this before that I like to visualize my week and month. And then people say, you can do that online.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ian Smith]

So just preempting your. Your criticism. I can visually visualize it online. I like highlighter pens, I guess, is what. Yeah, it ultimately will come down to.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[Ian Smith]

Pop knobs or bread.

[James Acaster]

Pop knobs or bread.

[Ed Gamble]

Ian Smith.

[James Acaster]

Pop knobs or bread.

[Ed Gamble]

I don't think we actually got the water.

[James Acaster]

Blood is the answer.

[Ed Gamble]

Blood has to be the answer.

[Ian Smith]

Okay, well, blood bread, please.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

To mop up the blood.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah, well, have to. The whole rest. The whole menu has changed. Trying to complement blood. But, yeah, it would have to be bread.

[Ed Gamble]

Talk to us about the bread. What's the. What's the bread that you want?

[Ian Smith]

Well, I had, like, two options in my head. One of them seemed pretentious.

[Ed Gamble]

Don't worry about that. Are you worried you're gonna lose some of the more grassroots northern followers that you have if you sound pretentious?

[Ian Smith]

Well, my options are Scottish and pretentious. Not that the two can't meet.

[Ed Gamble]

Absolutely not.

[James Acaster]

Example of when the two do meet.

[Ian Smith]

Oh, Edinburgh.

[James Acaster]

Oh, yeah, sorry.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Most pretentious place I've ever been in my life. Fair enough.

[Ian Smith]

So I think my favorite bit of bread. Have you ever had a buttery? I don't know if it's also called, like, a rowie. An Aberdeen rowie. Rawie. I don't. I don't fucking. I don't know how you say this shit. But I like it.

[Ed Gamble]

Talk us through it. I think I've heard of it as a buttery.

[Ian Smith]

So butteries are. They're sort of like a bread roll and a croissant and they're made using a lot of fat, like butter and lard in there. And they were invented for, like, fishermen to give them energy for the day because there's just so much fat that. In it. But, yeah, it's like a sort of condensed croissant. Yeah. It's just so sort of buttery and flaky and they're. They're very nice, but you can burn them in an instant and they can be ruined. And I. So I think I will go with that.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ian Smith]

My other option was potato damper and I want it. I want to cook it a bit more on some hot coals. I had that potato damper.

[Ed Gamble]

I don't. You've got to describe what that is. And also, it doesn't sound pretentious to me, really.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah. So this is. I was in a restaurant in Adelaide, I think it's called Orana or Onana. Shout out to whoever they are. But it was one of the few, like, very expensive, like, 12 course restaurants I went to. I went with the comedian Lloyd Langford, who's very good to go to, like, quite pretentious restaurant. He cuts it all away.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[Ian Smith]

With lovely conversation. And the first course was a potato damper, which I think is just like a potato bread. They put a stick in it. So it's got a stick and some leaves and it's served on, like, hot coals and you kind of finish it off on the hot coals.

[Ed Gamble]

Nice.

[Ian Smith]

Which sounds a bit. Some. I like some of those restaurants, but some of it's a bit. A bit wanky. But I like that. I liked finishing off the bread and I like the sort of scorch of charcoal. Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

So that's one that you. You can burn a little bit.

[Ian Smith]

Oh, yeah. You can burn a potato damper.

[Ed Gamble]

The buttery. You can't. You can't burn it. No, no, no.

[James Acaster]

I mean, they both sound delicious.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. You can have a little bread basket, have both of them in there.

[Ian Smith]

Oh, I'd love that. Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

But you need the coals situation, don't you?

[Ian Smith]

Well, maybe could I have a bread basket with minimum two not quite cooked bits of bread?

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Ian Smith]

And I'll finish them off myself.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[Ian Smith]

On hot coals.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Do you want Lloyd there to take the edge off the potato damper so it's not as pretentious?

[Ian Smith]

Yeah, yeah. I would like that.

[Ed Gamble]

What sort of things was Lloyd saying that took the edge off?

[Ian Smith]

Yeah, My favorite thing. So one of the courses we had a crocodile soup with botanicals.

[Ed Gamble]

Right.

[James Acaster]

Wow.

[Ian Smith]

And they give you this bowl, like botanical leaves, and there's a list of what leaves are in the bowl, and they invite you to take the leaves out, kind of crack them, put them in your mouth, have a little taste of them, and see if you can correspond them to the. The name.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Ian Smith]

And if you're doing that by yourself, I think is sadder than my diary. Just like, lining up your little leaves near your list.

[Ed Gamble]

Honestly, Ian, when you were describing it, all I was thinking was, I'd love to just do that alone.

[Ian Smith]

Sure.

[James Acaster]

Really, I'd love it.

[Ian Smith]

But you could do that.

[Ed Gamble]

That'd be heaven.

[Ian Smith]

The problem is someone needs to present you with it because if you collect some leaves and then have a list of the leaves you've got, you know what they are.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, yeah. In this restaurant scenario, eating alone is what I was thinking. I wasn't thinking. I'd collect the botanicals myself, go home and set up an exam for myself.

[James Acaster]

Crack them and eat.

[Ian Smith]

Good luck making your own crocodile soup.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah.

[James Acaster]

It's the thing that Lloyd does. Does he sing Crocodile Soup to the tune of Crocodile Shoes?

[Ian Smith]

He would do. No, but I'd love that. My dad's a big Jimmy Nail fan.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ian Smith]

I know more about the two Crocodile Shoes albums than a lot of people on the comedy circuit. Did you know there was a sequel to Crocodile Shoes?

[Ed Gamble]

No.

[James Acaster]

There was a sequel to it.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah. Crocodile Shoes, too.

[James Acaster]

Wow. I thought only rappers did sequels to their albums, but Jimmy Nail did it.

[Ian Smith]

Jimmy Nail and rappers Crocodile Shoes two. Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Everything you say I want to talk about for 15 minutes.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. That's the issue here.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah. But quickly, the highlight that Lloyd said one of the plants was called Lemon Myrtle. And in what was quite. It's a very cool restaurant, but I guess there's a bit of a stuffiness, I guess, to some of the clientele of that restaurant. It was quite quiet and Lloyd just bit a leaf and really loudly went, lemon myrtle. All day long. All day long and put it in. He was saying stuff like that. Yeah.

[James Acaster]

We went on holiday with Lloyd, got stuck in New York with him.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, yeah.

[James Acaster]

It was absolutely brilliant. Really fun getting. I've got a photo of him on my phone because the BBC wanted to do an interview with us on the news. Him and John Robbins did it. He got a chain out of the drawer and decided to wear it. We're in Airbnb. Just some random chain that had usa, a big medallion that said usa. So he put it on, but didn't frame himself well on the canvas. So it cut off the medallion. So it just looked like he had a big gold chain on. And he was. Because they had the screen up, it was live on the news. So he was looking at the screen as well to see how he was coming across. But he was. He was reading all the headlines that are going along the bottom. So he just looks completely confused. Yeah, like a giant baby who's wearing a gold chain for no reason.

[Ed Gamble]

It was only John who said something as well, wasn't it? He answered all the questions just there. Just doing that.

[James Acaster]

Like he's some heavy in the next to him. And that's my contact image for Lloyd.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah, I think I'd like Lloyd Langford at this mail, actually.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, that's a good shout.

[James Acaster]

And actually, I didn't even take that screen grab myself of Lloyd. The comedian Andrew o' Neil tweeted it out of context, just on its own, without any description. Just a screen grab of Lloyd. Brilliant.

[Ed Gamble]

Fantastic.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah. Get him at the meal. I want him wearing the chain.

[James Acaster]

Great.

[Ed Gamble]

Perfect.

[James Acaster]

We get into your menu proper now. Your dream starter, Ian.

[Ian Smith]

So this starter, I've tried to basically take everything. It's hard getting a menu. So just put everything that I wanted that isn't sort of featuring in other parts of the menu. And I've sort of combined it, but I think the flavors work okay.

[James Acaster]

Okay. Interesting.

[Ian Smith]

I want a risotto.

[James Acaster]

Yes.

[Ian Smith]

Salmon and haggis.

[James Acaster]

Oh, go.

[Ed Gamble]

So you basically, you're putting all your favorite foods into, like, one dish here.

[Ian Smith]

That I feel like aren't featuring later on.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Ian Smith]

Salmon, haggis. And say it with me. Saffron.

[Ed Gamble]

Saffron. Okay. Salmon, saffron, risotto. Sounds like that could work. I think the haggis is the. Is the rogue going here. Yeah.

[James Acaster]

We're down to Scottish or pretentious again, aren't we?

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

It's either the haggis or the salmon and saffron.

[Ian Smith]

But let me ask you this. Do you like pepper?

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah.

[Ian Smith]

Haggis, by its very nature, it's just a very peppery dish. I reckon a little crumbling of haggis is the same as having a pepper grinder.

[James Acaster]

Right, I see.

[Ian Smith]

If the restaurant was like, we've run out of pepper.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Ian Smith]

But let's heat up some of that haggis and we'll crumble it over stuff, no one would notice.

[Ed Gamble]

So you want haggis instead of pepper.

[Ian Smith]

Well, I don't want it instead of. But I'm not using pepper if the haggis is in there.

[Ed Gamble]

Right, okay.

[Ian Smith]

I've got enough.

[Ed Gamble]

We've got haggis.

[James Acaster]

Convenient.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, so you're crumbling haggis over instead of pepper.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah, I don't mind whether the haggis is in there or whether I have it and crumble it in. What I will say with the hot coals if I'm crumbling in the haggis. I'm starting to feel like I'm doing a lot of legwork in this restaurant. Doing a lot. Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

We'll just mix the haggis through for you then.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah, that'd be lovely. Thank you.

[Ed Gamble]

So haggis and salmon saffron risotto.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah. Saffron. I don't really know.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. If you think about it. Well, my question, even a salmon risotto, I would struggle to order that.

[Ian Smith]

Really?

[James Acaster]

I would think, is that gonna be. I love salmon, I love risottos. But I don't know if that would. Maybe it would.

[Ed Gamble]

Is it a bit. Are you thinking, is it a big bit of salmon on the top or is the salmon flake to mixture as well?

[Ian Smith]

Flake it up. Yeah, I'm having to do everything here. Gotta flake it up. I want it to be smoked like a sort of, you know, a smoky flavor to it. Yeah, Saffron. In all honesty, I don't know what it tastes like.

[Ed Gamble]

Right.

[Ian Smith]

But I've had a saffron infused mashed potato twice in my life and can't put my, can't really sort of put a handle on it. But it was, it was delicious.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[Ian Smith]

But you could color.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, it's a, it's very vivid color and there is a definite taste of saffron.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

But you can't work out what it is. But you know you like it. Yeah, yeah. Okay.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah, I guess so. And maybe I'll have someone explaining what saffron is to me.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. They could throw out that fact about saffron being worth more than gold when it comes to weight.

[Ian Smith]

Oh, I'd love that.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah, I'd love some saffron and some other. What is it? Herb. Yeah, other herbs. And I want to. Or a spice. Herbs and spices and I've got to match them up to what the herbs and spices are.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, you want. So you want a quiz as well?

[Ian Smith]

Quiz, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Okay, well, Lloyd's going to be there, so.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just want Lloyd to do the quiz. So I Can enjoy my meal. Bottle here in the background, trying to think of another herb in my.

[Ed Gamble]

Well, this is the problem, isn't it?

[Ian Smith]

Yeah, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Fennel seeds, I think all day long. I think you should just let Lloyd do the quiz. I would say there's enough going on in this dish already. You shouldn't be then biting into loads of other raw herbs and spices and trying to work out what they are.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah, no, I will. I'll accept that as a criticism.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

I was gonna suggest maybe you have, like, you know, your starter could be like a board that's got, like a little salmon fillet on, a little bit of haggis next to it, some saffron mash. But do you like risotto so much that it has to be all in a risotto? Is a risotto a big deal for you?

[Ed Gamble]

Let's not talk him out of this.

[James Acaster]

No, no, you're still going to have this.

[Ian Smith]

But I also think, imagine if every chef did that. Just put. Put four ingredients on a tray and just went, have them individually.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Ian Smith]

It's all about discovering flavor combinations and you're not going to make a discovery if you don't try.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[James Acaster]

Well, I would say imagine if every chef did this, took four things that aren't on the menu and just chucked them together because they, like, would like to see them make an appearance.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

And shut them up.

[Ian Smith]

I think you'd get.

[James Acaster]

I think you've always got.

[Ian Smith]

Occasionally get something fantastic.

[James Acaster]

You've always got to apply the rule. Imagine if every chef did this to.

[Ed Gamble]

But sometimes the dream meal is not something a chef would do. Sometimes the dream meal is something you do at home. If you just had things in. In the fridge and put them all in a bowl together.

[Ian Smith]

Right, listen, I've. I've listened to this podcast. People say daf. People are off their fucking heads on this podcast.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. Have you. So you're a big fan of weird flavor combinations.

[Ian Smith]

No, I just.

[Ed Gamble]

Do you do them at home? Have you ever discovered a flavour combination you like at home?

[Ian Smith]

I don't think I have, no. Trying to think if I've invented my own flavor combination.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, that's what I asked.

[Ian Smith]

I couldn't have done.

[James Acaster]

Look in your diary, does it say.

[Ian Smith]

Well, I would have put that under blue. Blue. Have had a new flavor combination. No, I mean, I like it.

[Ed Gamble]

Genuinely Looked in your diary for ages then.

[Ian Smith]

Listen, I'm a physical comedian. I'll. I'll do an act out and I'll do it on a pod.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ian Smith]

I'll do it on a pod.

[Ed Gamble]

No, we've got cameras going. That could be the viral clip.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah, yeah. Get sound effect of pages turning in. Yeah, you do that.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah. Put that in post. Oh, that's not.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, no, that's not, Bill.

[James Acaster]

No, that's. That's someone absolutely speeding through a risotto.

[Ian Smith]

I. I found out what arancini was when I ordered arancini as a starter and then a risotto as my main. And everyone was like, what? Like, I don't know what the problem is here, but, yeah, it was a ricey. A ricey meal.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. They're like risotto balls that are deep fried. Right. And then you had the insides of arancinis. Arancini guts.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah. And there was a rice pudding option for dessert, and I almost wanted to take it to be like. That's what I like. And I'm leaning into it.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. Do the treble.

[James Acaster]

What are you gonna call this dish?

[Ian Smith]

Oh, that's. Yeah, that's good at the minute. Well, I mean, salmon's Scottish. Yeah. Haggis is Scottish. Where does saffron come from?

[Ed Gamble]

I think probably North Africa.

[James Acaster]

Wow. If he's got that right, I'm very impressed. Mediterranean and parts of Asia.

[Ed Gamble]

Wrong continent.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah. So I guess something that's an idiot combines Scotland, Mediterranean, and parts of Asia in its title. Is there a way you can do that? There must be. And don't edit out any of the time it takes me to this.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah.

[Ian Smith]

Muk.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. So straight. Straight in with Muk.

[Ed Gamble]

Straight in with Muk. You're on safe ground.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Now he's got Mediterranean and parts of Asia.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Ian Smith]

Now I'm feel more scared.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Muk.

[Ed Gamble]

You could just say salmon here and Mc.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah, but I mean, Mc. Mediterranean. Just say what? McOlive. McAulives surprise.

[Ed Gamble]

McAuliffe's surprise.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

So the.

[Ian Smith]

No olives.

[James Acaster]

No olives in it is.

[Ed Gamble]

What's the food that you shared with the Mediterranean? McOlive surprise.

[James Acaster]

McAulives surprise.

[Ed Gamble]

The surprise is there's no olives. Saffron McOlive surprise. Saffron.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Saffron is the surprise.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

It's a McAuliffe surprise.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Well, also, the surprise is there's no olives.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Salmon's not mentioned. Yeah.

[Ian Smith]

Well, I mean, I didn't. I thought I'd be able to save my menu. I didn't think I'd have to name it.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[Ian Smith]

And that's what I'm struggling with.

[Ed Gamble]

But you've got to name it if you've made up the dish from scratch. I think that's the rule. Yeah, yeah.

[James Acaster]

Also, you're saying that, you know, you knew that you had to say what your menu was. You didn't think you'd have to name it. That's what you're struggling with. I'd say you've struggled with your menu as well. I mean, this is like. This starter is only.

[Ian Smith]

Because you took blood. You took blood because we had too many details.

[James Acaster]

I don't know if that's my. That's not on me. This starter is loopy.

[Ed Gamble]

Good bread course so far, though.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah. Yeah. We're forgetting about that.

[Ed Gamble]

And you know what? I would absolutely eat that starter. I don't know if I would enjoy it.

[James Acaster]

I would try it, but I would.

[Ed Gamble]

Give it a go.

[James Acaster]

If I was at your house for a dinner party.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah. And I made it.

[James Acaster]

And you made it. I would obviously, out of politeness, would eat it. And who knows? I might even love it.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

That's got classic Come Dine With Me episode written all over it.

[Ian Smith]

Really?

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

We're all slugging you off in the car on the way.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah, yeah. I wouldn't make that for other people. I think I'd only make it for myself.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Ian Smith]

Because I'd expect.

[Ed Gamble]

I think they come down with the. Come down with me. Producers would be like. If they heard about that, they'd be like, you should make that for everyone when they come around.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

And it would be one of the episodes where the other people look around your house.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

And they find your paper diary and they're all laughing.

[James Acaster]

Your highlighter pack.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. The only thing I've got in my fridge is one shelf is salmon.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Ian Smith]

One shelf is haggis, one shelf is saffron. I don't even know if you're supposed to refrigerate that.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Also, I would say that you have to make it for other people. Otherwise we're gonna have to get you to change the name again. Because you can't surprise yourself.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Ian Smith]

Oh, yeah.

[James Acaster]

It can't be called McAuliffe Surprise and you only make it for yourself.

[Ian Smith]

What about. No McAuliffe surprise? You get a huge spice rack. It's spices, herbs, everything in it. And it's one of those ones that spins.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Ian Smith]

And you sort of spin the spice rack. Close your eyes.

[James Acaster]

You gotta tip that up. Seeing Ian pretend to spin a spice whack with his eyes closed.

[Ian Smith]

I'm looking up. So no, people don't think I'm cheating.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Ian Smith]

Closing eyes and doing that. Yeah, yeah. Which I've seen someone do when I went to put my pin in.

[James Acaster]

They closed their eyes and looked away.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah. But, yeah, then you take whatever spice again. You've got to close your eyes throughout this. Yeah, I know. I actually just block out the spices.

[Ed Gamble]

Black out the spices.

[Ian Smith]

Masking. Put parcel tape over the spices or.

[Ed Gamble]

Put them in unmarked jars or whatever.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah, yeah. Get someone else to do that.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah. You're very worried. You're very worried throughout this whole chat so far that we're trying to make you do more stuff than you think you should be doing. Is that a problem you have when you go to restaurants? Sometimes.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I found myself many times in the kitchen doing a form dutiful shift.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

So hang on, you're getting a spice at random.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah. And then for safety as well. So you've got the salmon and haggis in there, but then your last flurry is opening it up. Shake it in, put that in.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Ian Smith]

Mix it around. And then when you eat it, you. You know it's a McAuliffe.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[Ian Smith]

But the surprise is, what is it? Cinnamon.

[Ed Gamble]

So that's your starter.

[Ian Smith]

Yes.

[James Acaster]

Fantastic.

[Ed Gamble]

Today's episode of the Off Menu podcast is brought to you by Real California Milk.

[James Acaster]

Here's something you might not know, ed. 99% of California dairies are family owned. These are generations of farm families who care deeply for their cows, their land and their communities. And that care shows up in every product. Cheese, butter, milk, yogurt. The things that make meals special. Family meals. Wouldn't be the same without Ahmed. Personally, I'm a fan of milk. Love milk in a pint, a half pint. Sometimes I'll shot it. Also, I know that you love cheese, Ed. You love a cheese board. You've spoke about it on off menu all the time. And I always get angry about it, but the listeners know the truth. I love a bit of cheese.

[Ed Gamble]

So next time you're at the store, look for the Real California milk seal, the mark of dairy made by real California farm families.

[T-Mobile Character (Jeffrey)]

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[T-Mobile Advertiser]

Jeff Bridges, why are you still living above our garage?

[T-Mobile Character (Jeffrey)]

Well, I dig the mattress and I want to be in a T Mobile commercial like you. Teach me.

[Ian Smith]

So, Dana.

[T-Mobile Advertiser]

Oh, no, I'm not really prepared. I couldn't possibly at T Mobile get the new iPhone 17 Pro on them. It's designed to be the most powerful iPhone yet and has the ultimate pro camera system.

[T-Mobile Character (Jeffrey)]

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[Ian Smith]

Nice.

[T-Mobile Advertiser]

Jeffrey.

[Ian Smith]

You heard them.

[T-Mobile Character (Jeffrey)]

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[Ed Gamble]

Get the new iPhone 17 Pro on.

[James Acaster]

Us with eligible traded in any condition.

[T-Mobile Character (Jeffrey)]

So what are we having for lunch?

[T-Mobile Advertiser]

Dude, my work here is done.

[T-Mobile Legal/Disclaimer Voice]

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[Ian Smith]

Did I talk too much?

[Ed Gamble]

Can't I just let it go?

[T-Mobile Legal/Disclaimer Voice]

Thank you so much.

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[James Acaster]

Your dream bank course. Ian.

[Ian Smith]

This one's normal.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ian Smith]

Slow cooked lamb.

[James Acaster]

Yes, There we go.

[Ian Smith]

I want it to be slow cooked.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ian Smith]

If it takes days.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Ian Smith]

I guess you want it just at the point where there's a level of heat you could apply to lamb where it just would never cook.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes. Zero degrees. Yeah, yeah. But even two degrees it probably wouldn't ever cook, surely.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like if it was just at room temperature. Yeah, Just leave it out.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah.

[Ian Smith]

And five days later. That's lovely.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ian Smith]

So. But the love the longest you could.

[Ed Gamble]

That would be good, wouldn't it? If things cooked at room temperature.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Surely there's something that cooks at room temperature.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Fruit.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. That's what's happening to it.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Maybe a torch. Maybe if you just put your iPhone torch on it for a couple of days. That's the slowest cooking you can possibly give it.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah. That's going to give you a carpal tunnel or something. Holding your torch over a lamp or whatever. Mystery. I'd probably have a mystery box of meat. So I don't know what Meat.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Surprise. It's another surprise dish. Lamb. Surprise.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah, I'm surprised.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah. I had the slow cooked lamb in New Zealand at Mudbrick Vineyard and I got told off, but in a, I'd say a light hearted way for I was quite drunk. Complimenting the lamb too loudly and I think that's a sign of a good meal.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

You'd taken some tips from Lloyd Langford and you were shouting everything.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah, yeah.

[James Acaster]

What was your compliment?

[Ian Smith]

Who cooked this? How long has this been cooked for?

[Ed Gamble]

Because they both. The way you've said it there and at that volume they sound like you're really unhappy with the lamb.

[Ian Smith]

I think they knew I liked it. My tone was like, who cooked this? It was more like, wow.

[James Acaster]

It's the same as the same tone you use when you shout beans on toast.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Ian Smith]

Beans on toast. Who cooked this stuff like that? I give a lot of good vibes to chefs, but that's lovely.

[Ed Gamble]

Why were you told off then by the staff or by someone on a nearby table?

[Ian Smith]

By the staff. I think people around were disconcerted.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Ian Smith]

And maybe they were running low on lamb.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. Maybe they hadn't ordered yet and don't force out.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah, yeah. But it was. Oh, my God. It was nice.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ian Smith]

Falling apart.

[Ed Gamble]

How long do you think it had been cooked for?

[Ian Smith]

Minimum? I think we're talking double digits.

[Ed Gamble]

Do you?

[Ian Smith]

I think it was something like 12 hours. Wow. Something mad. But I can't promise that. Do you? Yeah, it was a long. It was a long time. If you'd ordered it and they were like, oh, we haven't put it on yet, you'd be pissed off.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Ian Smith]

By the time you got it, well.

[Ed Gamble]

You'D be like, I'll see you tomorrow.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just come back tomorrow.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. Do you know what cut of lamb it was?

[Ian Smith]

I think it will have been somewhat like leg based. It wasn't. I mean, by the time this thing had been cooked, it wasn't sliceable.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Ian Smith]

By any means.

[Ed Gamble]

It wasn't a shank though.

[Ian Smith]

It could have been. It could have been a shank.

[Ed Gamble]

But it didn't come with a big bone sticking out the top of it.

[Ian Smith]

No, there wasn't a bone in it as far as I met. I drank a lot of wine at this point.

[James Acaster]

Were you out with another comedian at this point? Was this another comment?

[Ian Smith]

The only time I get to go on like a big holiday is when someone's paying for me to do that professionally.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ian Smith]

There was a lot of comedians there. Finn Taylor Andrew Maxwell, Alexis Dubus, never confident with how to pronounce his surname.

[James Acaster]

Oh, evidently.

[Ian Smith]

Maybe Lloyd was something.

[Ed Gamble]

Maybe Lloyd was Lloyd again there as well.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah. But, yeah, I. I love.

[James Acaster]

These are some. You know, you got Finn there, you got Maxwell there. These are some outspoken guys. And you're getting told.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[James Acaster]

Like, you must have been really speaking your mind, throwing some opinions around the room if you're the one who's getting reprimanded.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah. I mean, Maxwell, Andrew Maxwell will tell you the history of whatever country you're in and quite a lot of detail. I will compliment the food.

[Ed Gamble]

You'll shout, who cooked this?

[Ian Smith]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

What did the lamb come with? And this doesn't have to be your dream side. I'm just interested in this specific lamb.

[Ian Smith]

Sure. So I want elements of this, but not everything. It came with a mad portion of a sort of hummusy dip.

[Ed Gamble]

Right.

[Ian Smith]

And then long carrots. That's the main thing I remember about these carrots is the sheer length of it. Yeah, yeah. And then you had to get your potato dish as a side, screaming, who.

[Ed Gamble]

Who grew these?

[James Acaster]

Yeah, who the hell grew these?

[Ian Smith]

Mr. McGregor, how long. How long have these been grown? I would say stuff like that.

[James Acaster]

Long and thin.

[Ian Smith]

Long and thin, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

What colour?

[Ian Smith]

Orange.

[Ed Gamble]

Classic.

[Ian Smith]

The classic, but not the best carrot I've had was barely orange. In a restaurant in Reykjavik called Skalle. Got the carrots as a side. Fucking hell. I've never had carrots this good in all my life. Yeah, they were black to the eye.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[Ian Smith]

They'd really been sort of roasted. I tried to look up before doing this, what they came with. The menus changed. I found a picture of them on Instagram. It doesn't say anything. Doesn't say anything. Just a picture of some carrots.

[Ed Gamble]

It says carrots.

[Ian Smith]

Doesn't even say carrots. No description. But they. I love a sort of roasted carrot in some kind of sauce. I don't know.

[James Acaster]

And the one in Reykjavik was like. Were they long and thin as well?

[Ian Smith]

No, no. And I preferred them dumpy is what I would say.

[James Acaster]

Black and dumpy.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah, that's how I would describe them.

[James Acaster]

You want those with the lamb?

[Ian Smith]

I'd like them with carrots. Yes. Get rid of the long thin ones.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ian Smith]

They were al dente, these ones. The Reykjavik ones. Barely keeping themselves together.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. So they'd been like, probably slow roasted as well. You think? Yeah.

[Ian Smith]

Everything about this, I want to be slow.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. I completely agree with you. With a slow roasted lamb. It is. It's up there. Meat wise. I Think.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Incredible.

[Ian Smith]

I want some dauphinois. That's pretty slow.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. You can do that slow. No. It's not quick, is it? Well, it takes a while to make, I suppose. Do you slow roast lamb at home?

[Ian Smith]

Yeah, I'll have it anywhere.

[Ed Gamble]

No, but is that something you'll do? Have you ever done that?

[Ian Smith]

Yeah, absolutely. Avoid just making the location. I'll have it anywhere. On a train.

[James Acaster]

The question was would you eat it?

[Ian Smith]

Would you have it at home?

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Ian Smith]

As in like, is there any way if mum had made slow cooked lamb, would I have it?

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. Let's just follow this. Is there anywhere that you wouldn't eat slow roast lamb?

[Ian Smith]

I don't like funerals. You'd have that at the wake, but you wouldn't.

[Ed Gamble]

At the wake.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

You wouldn't have it during. Right?

[Ian Smith]

Yeah. You're not sorry for someone's loss if you're chewing.

[Ed Gamble]

Well, if you're screaming. Who cook this at your top of your voice?

[James Acaster]

Sure, yeah.

[Ian Smith]

Oh, at the cremation. How long, how long has this been cooked for?

[James Acaster]

Woo.

[Ian Smith]

Falling off the bone.

[Ed Gamble]

Falling off the. Yeah.

[Ian Smith]

Funeral.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. Train toilet. That was my first thought of where I wouldn't eat slow rice lamb.

[James Acaster]

Sure.

[Ian Smith]

But I would if it's. I'd have it on the, the baby changing.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Ian Smith]

Toilets. Your seat, that's your table.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. Would you put a tablecloth down or anything or.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah, ideally, yeah. Or I guess if you're, if you're a parent. An unused clean napping.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah. Well, yeah. Even though it's unused, I'd find it hard.

[Ed Gamble]

It would be weird. Especially if there's no plate. Especially if you're eating slow cooked lamb directly out of an unused nappy on a baby changing table. I'd say that would throw me.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not where I'd want it.

[Ed Gamble]

Barely staying together.

[Ian Smith]

It's weird though because you'd, you'd think someone eating off a nappy. Yeah. In a, in a baby changing room would be like they're having a breakdown, having a tough time. But you wouldn't associate slow cooked lamb leg.

[Ed Gamble]

No.

[Ian Smith]

With a mental collapse.

[Ed Gamble]

No. I think it's the nappy that's doing the heavy lifting there.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[James Acaster]

I think that changes the whole thing.

[Ed Gamble]

Also, it depends what brand of nappy.

[Ian Smith]

Right.

[Ed Gamble]

Because if you, if there's some nice jus and gravy in there, a Pampers is absorbing all of that.

[James Acaster]

You don't get to eat that.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah. You want a cheap nappy. If you're eating a roast, you Pour your gravy on. And then you go. Immediately go, where's the gravy? Outrageous.

[Ed Gamble]

You're doing the thing at the end of the adverts where you'd squeeze. You're squeezing it out.

[James Acaster]

It's all gravy.

[Ed Gamble]

Trying to get the gravy out.

[Ian Smith]

But then you squat, squeezing that back out onto another nappy that you've put.

[Ed Gamble]

Under there, I think, directly into the mouth. At this point, you cut your losses. Yeah, yeah. Don't bring another nappy.

[James Acaster]

Let's not worry about your dignity at this point. You're already squeezing gravy out of a nappy. May as well go straight into your mouth.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

For American listeners. Diapers.

[James Acaster]

Diapers, yes. So your dream side dish, is it those carrots or is it. Is that you're banking them as part of your main.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

So your dream side dish is different.

[Ed Gamble]

Is that dofen was then, or is that. Are you banking that as part of the plan?

[Ian Smith]

No, I'd like. Yeah, I'd like. I just want some potato waffles.

[James Acaster]

Okay.

[Ed Gamble]

You say that again for me because I enjoyed the rhythm of it.

[Ian Smith]

Potato waffles.

[Ed Gamble]

Thank you.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah, they're waffling versatile. Catchphrase.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, I remember the bird's eye ones.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[James Acaster]

That's quite a catchy jingle.

[Ed Gamble]

Waffley versatile, wasn't it?

[Ian Smith]

Oh, I thought it was waffling.

[James Acaster]

No, I thought waffley.

[Ed Gamble]

It's waffly because it's supposed to be, like, awfully versatile.

[Ian Smith]

Oh, that does make more sense. I've been saying waffling versatile all this time. They're waffly versatile. Well, so it's a pun on awfully.

[Ed Gamble]

That's what I always thought. I'm willing to admit that I might be wrong, but as far as I knew, it was waffly versatile.

[James Acaster]

I never put the pun together, but I just thought they're waffly versatile, was the line. I don't think it was waffling versatile.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah. Waffling doesn't make sense, does it?

[James Acaster]

Why would they be waffling versatile?

[Ed Gamble]

I mean, waffly versatile.

[Ian Smith]

But they've come, like, awfully like the pitch mating.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Ian Smith]

They would have got that waffly versatile. You'd be like. All right, well, explain that. Yeah, well, they're awfully. And a posh person might go, awfully. Oh, it's awfully and waffly. Awfully waffly.

[Ed Gamble]

Waffly versatile.

[James Acaster]

Awfully waffly would have been a better tagline for them.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah, yeah.

[James Acaster]

Because then you're like, oh, I get what they're doing.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Awfully, awfully waffly.

[Ed Gamble]

But the suggestion is, then they're awfully. There is a misinterpretation. We say they're awful at being waffles.

[James Acaster]

Sure.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

They're awful.

[Ian Smith]

Awfully.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Ian Smith]

They're not even. They're not even a waffle.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Ian Smith]

There's a bag of new potatoes. Yeah. There must have been a better way to advertise it.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. But it's worked for you.

[James Acaster]

Stuck in your head. It's waffling, versatile all these years.

[Ed Gamble]

Well. But they're on your dream menu.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah, they're on my dream menu.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Talk to us about your relationship with the Bird's Eye potato waffle.

[Ian Smith]

I just think it's the sort of thing when very nostalgic, like, so I think I really like food and like good food, but also, if I find myself in the house by myself one evening and I'm just cooking and I'm the only one who's got to eat this. We'll just have chicken nuggets and waffles and beans or something. Just feels. Feels so nice to do that. And a good waffle. They're so fluffy inside. They've got a lovely crisp. They are versatile.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Ian Smith]

You can have them with chicken nuggets.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Ian Smith]

Fish fingers.

[Ed Gamble]

Beans, Beans.

[Ian Smith]

Have you had kidney beans and regular beans? Play Connect 4 with them. Yeah, but Connect 4, yeah. That's probably the end of.

[James Acaster]

No, no more. I got into doing myself, like, duck breast in the lockdowns.

[Ian Smith]

Oh, yeah.

[James Acaster]

And I'd have them with Bird's Eye potato waffles.

[Ed Gamble]

That's lovely.

[Ian Smith]

I like that.

[James Acaster]

Delicious.

[Ed Gamble]

That's really nice.

[James Acaster]

And when I was a teenager, me and my friends would go around to my friends Sam's house and do, like, movie marathons. And we'd have a break, usually in the middle to go and buy some food from Sainsbury's. I'd get Bird's eye potato waffles, a pack of ham, a pack of cheese. I make these waffle sandwiches with him. Got his dad into them.

[Ian Smith]

How old were you at this point?

[James Acaster]

18.

[Ian Smith]

18. And his dad's come in. Blake.

[James Acaster]

His dad's come in.

[Ian Smith]

What are you doing here, lads?

[James Acaster]

What are you eating? A waffle sandwich.

[Ian Smith]

Using the.

[James Acaster]

Using waffles instead of bread. Yeah. It's delicious. Let me try it. And then my friend Sam was like, he's eating them all week.

[Ian Smith]

All week?

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Next time I saw him, he was like, my dad. My dad has.

[Ed Gamble]

How long was this Movie marathon.

[James Acaster]

I mean, after we've got.

[Ed Gamble]

When you say movie marathons, you mean you started at the beginning of the history of films and work your way through from there, did all the films.

[James Acaster]

Eating birds like potato waffle sandwiches the whole time?

[Ed Gamble]

18 feels. Feels old for that, doesn't it?

[James Acaster]

Or to be doing movie marathon to.

[Ed Gamble]

Your mates and eating waffle sandwiches.

[James Acaster]

I think that's prime age to do that, isn't it?

[Ian Smith]

No, it's veering on too old. I think when you. I think if you're not in your teens anymore, it's too old. But if you.

[James Acaster]

I would do that.

[Ian Smith]

6. And you're doing that.

[Ed Gamble]

We do it now.

[James Acaster]

Full disclosure, I do it now.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah.

[James Acaster]

If someone said to me, do you want to come over, watch all the Alien films and eat birdseye potato waffle sandwiches? I believe, yeah, I'll do. Actually.

[Ian Smith]

Someone.

[James Acaster]

Anyone.

[Ian Smith]

Anyone.

[James Acaster]

You, Your hairdresser?

[Ian Smith]

Yeah, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

The only way doing that when you're 18 makes sense is if you're in a blunt rotation.

[James Acaster]

I'm passing it to his dad with.

[Ian Smith]

Jesus and the angel of the Lord.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, but that sounds to me like stoner food.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, Well, I mean, we've covered this on the podcast. Before that I hung out with stoners, but wasn't a stoner, so I ate like a stoner.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. Okay.

[James Acaster]

So that's like my whole personality comes from hanging out with stoners but not doing drugs.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[James Acaster]

And if anyone's ever confused by me, that's all I need to explain.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah.

[James Acaster]

I hung out with stoners, but I never did drugs. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Okay. That's where. That's where all this comes from.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah. I guess that's where everyone. Every sort of unique personality comes from having hung around with, like, if you're the only non dock worker who's hanging out in the docks.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[James Acaster]

Okay.

[Ian Smith]

This seems to be a quirky comedian.

[James Acaster]

Too specific to not be you.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah, yeah. Well, I'm just trying to be.

[James Acaster]

You've never been near the docks, have you ever? Doc Martens, maybe?

[Ed Gamble]

No.

[Ian Smith]

If I said with the tone of.

[Ed Gamble]

An absolute slam, I'll only go to the docks if they've been renovated and there's a street food place.

[James Acaster]

Look, he's laughing at the dock.

[Ed Gamble]

He's laughing at it because it was weak and you acted like it was strong.

[James Acaster]

What, though? I know we just pointed at you and nodded, but, like, that's not why he's laughing.

[Ed Gamble]

It's a good slab.

[James Acaster]

Absolutely. Did you.

[Ed Gamble]

But I don't know why it's not just that lamb.

[James Acaster]

That slow. Roasted.

[Ed Gamble]

That's better. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Slow roasted slam.

[James Acaster]

Oh.

[Ian Smith]

Ah, yes.

[Ed Gamble]

I think the waffle sandwich. Here's what I. I'd want to try because I think I've seen similar things to this online, is take the frozen waffles out, put the fillings in between, put it in a toasty maker.

[Ian Smith]

Oh, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Shut it and let it all.

[James Acaster]

Oh, wow.

[Ed Gamble]

Like that. And then make a sort of sealed waffle sandwich.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah, yeah. And if you cut the the ends off a waffle so you have like the kind of spiky protruding bits. So like, like a little Lego set. Really?

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Ian Smith]

Put them in the hole. Like build little things out your waffles. Am I the first person on this podcast? I feel like I'm just probably saying something that someone's already said.

[James Acaster]

No, no.

[Ed Gamble]

No one ever has ever said, you can get potato waffles and build them like Lego.

[Ian Smith]

Fucking hell. Well, I'm gonna listen back to every single one and double check.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. I promise you.

[Ian Smith]

Really?

[Ed Gamble]

You're the first one. You should be happy about that.

[Ian Smith]

You're an original Waffle tower, please.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, this is from hanging out with all the dock workers.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah, yeah. They always used to do waffle towers in their break. Yeah, they loved it.

[James Acaster]

Well, I like that. I like that. You've got the potato waffles there.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. Double potato as well.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah, go double potato. I mean, would you want someone to make you potato dolphin was out of birds like potato waffles.

[Ian Smith]

Potato waffle. Wow. Waffle wow. Yeah. I love a waffle wire.

[James Acaster]

Waffle wire versatile.

[Ed Gamble]

It's not a bad idea, you know.

[Ian Smith]

Oh, it would be good. Just waffles cream.

[James Acaster]

I'll click on that YouTube video.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah, yeah.

[James Acaster]

Someone making doping wise out of potato waffles.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah. Waffle waffle.

[Ed Gamble]

Wait, yeah. Slow roasted lamb dumpy carrots and wuffle. Wur.

[Ian Smith]

Yes, please.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ian Smith]

I'm inventing a lot.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Ian Smith]

In this.

[James Acaster]

You are an inventor.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

You always thought of yourself as an inventor.

[Ian Smith]

I genuinely, I thought I invented pulled pork. Two foods I invented, actually. So when I was young, we had like roast chicken. I used to get my fork and sort of score the chicken.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Ian Smith]

Because the gravy it goes in. There's just more surface area for all the flavors. No one in my family did that. I'm the only one scoring it.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Ian Smith]

Getting it like that. And then I remember when pulled pork was becoming a big thing, I was like, I invented that like 15 years ago and felt like I didn't But I was a kid. How do you. How do you utilize pulled pork? As a child, but, yeah, I thought I'd invented pulled pork. And the other thing, I had to stop myself doing something because you never had shredded ducks. Duck. No, no, I'm northern.

[Ed Gamble]

Come on.

[Ian Smith]

Northern. Six years old. Shredded duck.

[Ed Gamble]

It's like standard Chinese takeaway stuff. Shredded duck.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. We're not. Yeah, we've been up north.

[Ed Gamble]

You can't lie to us.

[Ian Smith]

Well, yeah, well, I think there was only one Chinese takeaway in Goal for a while.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, they would have definitely done shredded that.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah, I think. I think I've got a lot of the time we got chips from there. You know what I mean? We weren't culinarily cultured.

[Ed Gamble]

Okay.

[Ian Smith]

My favorite thing I saw in a Chinese restaurant, I'll tell you, as a quick detour on a stag do. Maybe can you bleep out the C word on this?

[James Acaster]

Well, yeah, but we can also keep it in.

[Ian Smith]

Really? Okay, Trigger warning. C word incoming was on a stag do.

[Ed Gamble]

It's not going to be Chinese, is it? Because you've already said that.

[Ian Smith]

Oh, really?

[James Acaster]

In different parts of the country, the C word is a different word.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah, it's the swear C word. Just in case anyone's thinking this anecdote is going to be like, bleak offensive. We're at a Chinese restaurant. One member of the stag do. I've never met this guy. He's sort of like a heart of gold, but very laddie. And he's running late. There is a kind worse. And there's a madman in the. In the Chinese restaurant and he's singing songs. That kind of vibe.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Ian Smith]

He's coming up to our table and singing, best Chinese ever. It's the best Chinese ever.

[Ed Gamble]

So he's supportive of the restaurant. Good.

[Ian Smith]

And then he's clearly a regular. Like, they know him and they're looking at. Oh, God. And this guy come with the confidence of being able to do this. He comes up to the table and he's, like, stood right next to the guy and it points at him when he says this because you're right, lads. Who the is this? Right. Pointing right in his face. All right, lads. And I. I cried. I was laughing so much.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah. That's brilliant. I mean, I'd love that. Especially the stag do.

[Ed Gamble]

And even. Even then, you weren't having the duck.

[Ian Smith]

Oh, we were having shredded duck then.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. Did you think you'd invented that?

[Ian Smith]

No. The other one was so in woodwork class, I. I Got a penguin bar and I put it in a vice. The vice at the end of the table. I'm just squashing this penguin. Yeah. Just think that's funny.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Ian Smith]

Get it, get it tight, get it condensed. Like doing that really like getting the of it. And obviously I pull it out and I, and I.

[Ed Gamble]

The penguin bar, the squash penguin bar.

[Ian Smith]

It tasted incredible.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Ian Smith]

All the flavor again, it's been condensed and it just. And like the, the cream in the middle is mushed in with a biscuit. It's almost like a truffle. Yeah, it was beautiful. And I remember, I can't remember the other stuff. I put a few things in that vice, food wise. And I remember having a real moment, moment as a kid where I was like, I got, I gotta put a stop to this.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Ian Smith]

This can't be how I eat food. Like if I'm eating a sandwich. But all I'm thinking in my head is, gotta get back, get in that woodwork class. Get it in the vice. I couldn't live like that.

[James Acaster]

I mean it is like a sandwich press.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Cold panini.

[Ian Smith]

But you've never seen a panini this flat.

[Ed Gamble]

I think that, I mean, look, that could be a hit TikTok account.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, that is, is.

[Ian Smith]

Oh yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Cooking. Cooking with ice.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Because yeah. There's already those hydraulic press channels that I watch. All of those.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah. Do you like hot balls?

[Ed Gamble]

I love hot iron.

[James Acaster]

I don't know what either of you are talking about really. Yeah, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

So it's similar, like hydraulic presses. Obviously you've seen those.

[James Acaster]

I've heard of it though I've not seen.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Ian Smith]

This is what. Not being off social media.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Ian Smith]

Write a follow up book called all the things I'm missing out on.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah.

[Ian Smith]

Iron balls.

[Ed Gamble]

Red hot. Red hot iron balls. They get an iron ball until it's red hot and then they're just like put it on stuff.

[Ian Smith]

And when you might think red hot is like, oh, it's red hot out there. Yeah, it's red. Yeah, it's red. It's gone red.

[James Acaster]

Just to be clear, the phrase it's red hot out there isn't the phrase what someone said that no one's come in from outside. It's red hot out there.

[Ed Gamble]

You don't say that Giggs at Mixed Bill Giggs sweat hole out there come.

[James Acaster]

Off the audience of red hot.

[Ian Smith]

Well, you don't ever say red hot if something is physically red, but then it's not a phrase.

[James Acaster]

Well, I'd say if I saw something that was like yeah, If I say that's red hot, fair enough. Not. It's red hot out there.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Ian Smith]

Really?

[Ed Gamble]

That's what the Chili Peppers say to each other.

[Ian Smith]

When another one of them is still outside. Yeah, it's red hot.

[James Acaster]

It has to be. They're not in here and out there.

[Ian Smith]

To be fair, it's red hot in here and.

[Ed Gamble]

And out there and out there.

[Ian Smith]

Fruscianti still. He's yet to come in.

[James Acaster]

He always the last one. Can't decide if he wants to come in or not.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, he's just out there checking everyone's hand. Yeah, Like Rob Beckett at the end of a gig.

[Ian Smith]

Do you know, apparently Fruscianti works. Shake hands. I read about. I love. I love John Fruscianti. And I read an article that him and Flea won't shake hands because they're worried about germs.

[Ed Gamble]

Really?

[Ian Smith]

So if you meet him in the.

[Ed Gamble]

Street, Flea is worried about germs. He's got his knob out half the time. Yeah.

[James Acaster]

He's disgusting. He looks like he's rolling around. He looks like. Flea looks like he bathes like a chinchilla does in a. In a box of sand. This rolls around in it.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah. He's named after something you get when you're dirty.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, exactly. How. How. How is he? Well, that. That's the revelation.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. Do you want a vice at the table for your dream meal?

[Ian Smith]

Yeah, I wouldn't mind one as an option.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Ian Smith]

Is this an okay time to flag up? I'd like to. When this is all done, I'd like a bit of chocolate. I'd like a specific bit of chocolate. I feel like you don't do that on the pod. Chocolate postmail or no chocolate postmail. Yeah, but I want a bit of chocolate. I want a little sweet.

[Ed Gamble]

Do you want this after? Is this in between the main and the dessert?

[Ian Smith]

My dessert. You know, when they bring the bill.

[Ed Gamble]

Right.

[Ian Smith]

I want a little squash.

[Ed Gamble]

Well, we're not there yet, man.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah, but I just thought I'd flag it up because you guys, I'll say my pudding and you'll be like.

[Ed Gamble]

All right, then.

[Ian Smith]

Cheers. Thanks. Bye. You're out the studio? Yeah. Me and Benito here.

[James Acaster]

You think he's staying with you?

[Ian Smith]

Just me, by myself.

[James Acaster]

He's the first out the door. He's not like your producer. He doesn't want to be here. Look at him now. He's already thinking about what he's saying.

[Ian Smith]

I'm not hanging out after this. I usually go bowling after a Northern news record.

[Ed Gamble]

No, no, no. No bowling?

[James Acaster]

Absolutely not.

[Ed Gamble]

Benito leaves the studio straight away. He goes, it's red hot out there. And he runs out the room. Yeah.

[Ericsson Advertiser]

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[Ian Smith]

Got it from Verizon, the best 5G network in America.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, I never look so good. You look the same.

[Ian Smith]

But with this camera, everything looks better.

[James Acaster]

Especially me. You haven't changed your hair in 15 years. Selfies check, please.

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[James Acaster]

Your dream drink, though, Ian.

[Ian Smith]

So I thought. But I mean, a red wine, a nice red wine would go very good with lamb.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[Ian Smith]

But I think if it's a drink, I'm trying to compliment the. The waffles.

[Ed Gamble]

That's the thing you want to compliment with the drink.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Okay.

[Ian Smith]

But I love. My favorite fizzy drink is dandelion and burdock.

[James Acaster]

Okay. Oh, wow.

[Ian Smith]

So like a dandelion and burdock. I reckon. Second. Which is almost. It's like a wine.

[James Acaster]

Sure.

[Ed Gamble]

I've still never had a dandelion. No.

[Ian Smith]

I should have brought one in.

[James Acaster]

I think I've had one once. I can't really remember either way what the impression was that I got of it. But, like, I know that I don't really. I can never really place what it.

[Ian Smith]

It's quite medicinal.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Ian Smith]

Tell you what it is. Dandelions and burdock.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

She's quite.

[Ian Smith]

In any other context.

[James Acaster]

No.

[Ian Smith]

Don't know what.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

But could you. Because you've drunk a lot of dandelion and burdock. If the dandelion and burdock were on the quiz for the different herbs, would you be able to pick up on them? Would you be able to say all.

[Ian Smith]

Day long if they kept the flower of the dandelion on? Yeah, yeah. But a burdock, I think it's like a root.

[Ed Gamble]

Right.

[Ian Smith]

So I wouldn't. Yeah, I wouldn't know what that Was at all.

[Ed Gamble]

So it's quite medicinal.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah, but I like botanical stuff.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ian Smith]

I love elderflower. I'm a big elder flower boy.

[James Acaster]

That's. I always associate that with very old people.

[Ian Smith]

Really?

[James Acaster]

Like elderflower drinks.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah, It's a young man's game now. Elderflower.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Ian Smith]

All the kids get on social media. It's red hot iron balls and it's elderfly.

[James Acaster]

What would happen if you touched elderflower with a red hot iron ball?

[Ian Smith]

All I know is if I saw that as a video description, I would click on it even if there was two adverts before it.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. I think you would be the only person the algorithm's recommending that to. Yeah, I don't think anyone else has that crossover.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

It's not lasting long, is it? The elderflower with the red hot iron ball.

[Ian Smith]

And there'll be a flame.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, there'll be a flame. It'll be gone. It'll be up in flames before the bulls touch most of it, I think.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah, some of it does that.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, that's how hot the iron ball is.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah, it's red hot.

[James Acaster]

Wow. Is there a certain brand of dandelion and Burdock that you gravitate to that you buy for the house?

[Ian Smith]

I guess the go to is Fentimans.

[James Acaster]

Oh, yes.

[Ian Smith]

They're your medicinal type.

[Ed Gamble]

Is that a dandelion? I thought Dandelion and Burdock was a brand name cream.

[Ian Smith]

No, no.

[Ed Gamble]

Is it not flavor?

[Ian Smith]

No, just the ingredients.

[James Acaster]

Do you think that's like Mr. Dandelion and Mrs. Burdock made a drink?

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, I thought there was a specific one that called dandelion and burdock.

[James Acaster]

No, no, that's the flavor.

[Ed Gamble]

So Fentiman's dandelion and Burdock.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ian Smith]

I wouldn't mind the Fentimans.

[James Acaster]

Do you think salt and vinegar is a flavor or a brand?

[Ed Gamble]

I think it is.

[Ian Smith]

Let me think of one to join in.

[Ed Gamble]

Look it up.

[Ian Smith]

Do you think Tia Maria is a brand? Is a brand. Do you think Tia Maria is a brand?

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, that is.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah, it's flavored with Tia and Maria.

[James Acaster]

Who was it? Someone told me what Tia Maria meant the other day and then I forgot. It's like auntie or something.

[Ed Gamble]

Auntie Maria.

[James Acaster]

Auntie Maria. Do you know that?

[Ian Smith]

No.

[James Acaster]

There you go. Now you know. You know that you can tell people that?

[Ian Smith]

Yeah, yeah, I will tell people that, actually. Yeah. First person I see out of this spot.

[James Acaster]

Your hairdresser.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Ian Smith]

Probably John.

[Ed Gamble]

Ice in your D and B.

[Ian Smith]

No, I just want it to be cold, though. Yeah, I've started saying that, like pubs and stuff. When they say, do you want ice in your drink? I would just go, is it cold? And be like, yeah. I went, no, no. And I say in that tone, no. Or I'll ask for like one cube. I don't like getting a. Can we get a pint? And they fill it to the top of ice cubes. This is, this is insane.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

And how much drink are you actually getting there?

[Ian Smith]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I, yeah, I'm specifying no ice. Just put it in the fridge before I come.

[Ed Gamble]

Frosty cold. Frosty glass maybe.

[Ian Smith]

Oh, yeah, like really cold.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ian Smith]

But I'll ring in advance and say, get a D and B in the fridge, will you please?

[James Acaster]

To the pub? Yeah, to the dream restaurant. Just like get a D and B in the fridge, will ya? Smitty's coming to town.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah.

[James Acaster]

You ever call yourself Smitty?

[Ian Smith]

No. I've had people used to get called Big Smitty as a nickname. My first nickname at school was Ebo because it's hard to make a nickname out of Ian. So someone's going like E, that's too short. Some call me Ebo for a while. And then I was watching an episode of the Weakest Link and there was a woman called Ebo on it and Ann Robinson. Was that her name?

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[Ian Smith]

Is her name, I hope.

[James Acaster]

Yep.

[Ian Smith]

At the time of recording it is her name.

[Ed Gamble]

I don't think people lose their names when they die, do they?

[James Acaster]

Yeah, she'll have it forever.

[Ian Smith]

Okay.

[James Acaster]

Even when her body's long gone. Left this realm.

[Ian Smith]

Okay, well, whatever state you're in. Ann Robinson asked, that's an interesting name. What does it mean? And she said it means Nigerian woman. I had to go back to school the next day. It's not appropriate. It's not appropriate.

[Ed Gamble]

We've got to knock Ebo on the head, guys.

[Ian Smith]

It's either E or Big Smitty, I guess, but feels weird for a primary school kid. Gotta grow into Big Smitty. So. Yes, that Ebo is a short lived nickname for me.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Your dream dessert.

[Ed Gamble]

Ian.

[Ian Smith]

I love, I love puddings so much.

[James Acaster]

Yes.

[Ian Smith]

So there's so many, but I've gone. So I've just gone with one. My dad's good at puddings.

[James Acaster]

Okay. What's his name?

[Ian Smith]

Andrew. Andrew Smith.

[James Acaster]

Shout out.

[Ian Smith]

I sort of hesitate things. Just thought it's very rare I'd refer to my dad as Andrew. Yeah, only when he's been naughty.

[James Acaster]

No, we just call him Ambo.

[Ed Gamble]

Guess what? Same dad name oh, this is the first time. This is the first time we've had another. We've had a same dad name.

[Ian Smith]

Really?

[James Acaster]

First time on the pod. How many episodes has it been, Benito? A lot. This is the first time. Same dad.

[Ed Gamble]

Same dad name.

[Ian Smith]

What's your dad's middle name?

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Ian Smith]

If it was. No, no.

[James Acaster]

No middle name, no middle name.

[Ian Smith]

No middle name.

[Ed Gamble]

No middle name, Middle name. Skipper generation in our family.

[Ian Smith]

What?

[Ed Gamble]

Because my granddad. My granddad was Andrew Stevenson Gamble, then they had Andrew Gamble.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

So everyone started calling my granddad Steve, and my middle name is Stevenson.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

So if I have a son, I'm gonna call him Edward and everyone has to start calling me Steve.

[James Acaster]

I can't wait to start calling you Steve. It'll be great.

[Ian Smith]

That's when. You know a pod's been going a long time. Yeah. When you have to call someone a different name.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Ian Smith]

Because they've called their son their name.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes. Yeah, yeah. Professionally, it's going to be really difficult for me, but family traditions must be upheld.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah, yeah.

[James Acaster]

I love calling you Steve. I feel like triggering Only Fools and Horses.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. What's your dad's middle name?

[Ian Smith]

Kenneth.

[Ed Gamble]

Wow. I thought Stevenson was weird. No, Kenneth's a big middle name.

[James Acaster]

Oh, yeah, yeah. Stevenson's weirder.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

I'm going to be the voice of the listeners here.

[Ian Smith]

Kenneth's a name. Stevenson's a son.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. It's true. Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. I've never met anyone else with the middle name Stevenson before, let alone. It's a family tradition.

[Ian Smith]

A butler getting told off.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah.

[Ian Smith]

Stevenson.

[James Acaster]

They must, like, come in here. Do you think this cutlery has been shined to perfection? Well, that's what I thought.

[Ed Gamble]

I just think I rarely hear the name.

[James Acaster]

Get out of here.

[Ed Gamble]

Kenneth. Yeah.

[Ian Smith]

Bala Coronation Street, I guess.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

But everyone calls him Ken, right?

[Ian Smith]

Yeah, yeah. But I guess Williams.

[Ed Gamble]

Kenneth Williams is the only one I heard.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ian Smith]

Oh, yeah, yeah. What esteemed company. Barlo and Williams.

[James Acaster]

Kenneth and Kell.

[Ian Smith]

What's that?

[James Acaster]

Kenneth and Kell.

[Ian Smith]

Oh, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Be a very different show.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. I'd watch it. I still watch it. What does Andrew. Kenneth Smith do? Because you started talking about.

[Ian Smith]

My dad's got good desserts.

[James Acaster]

Sorry.

[Ian Smith]

My dad was a chef in the navy, so I've. And then did, like, a few of the.

[Ed Gamble]

Like, I'm just gonna jump in. My granddad. Oh, Andrew Stevenson Gamble.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

He was in the Navy.

[Ian Smith]

Really?

[James Acaster]

Look at this. You're basically the same guy.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah. And I don't know how big the age difference is. Was your granddad in The Falklands?

[Ed Gamble]

No.

[Ian Smith]

Dad might have cooked for him.

[James Acaster]

You never know because he wasn't in the Falklands.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah, yeah. I'm not saying he's cooked for everyone in the Falklands. He showed his own people in the Falklands then. A lot of people you've had on this pod.

[James Acaster]

So your dad was a dessert chef in the Navy? I mean, that. That's.

[Ian Smith]

He didn't know. Not just.

[James Acaster]

If it really comes down to it, your dad is probably, you know. Is he pretty handy with a whisk against the enemy?

[Ian Smith]

Oh, yeah, he's good at whisking.

[James Acaster]

You're tracking them with a piping bag. You've got a piping bag attacking them.

[Ian Smith]

I think they would let him in a. In a combat situation. They wouldn't just say, improvise with the kitchen.

[James Acaster]

Your ice cream scoop.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, well, I got so many things to say. Firstly, guess who else was a chef in the Navy? Steven Segal in Under Siege.

[Ian Smith]

Oh, really?

[James Acaster]

That's so close to you saying Stephenson. Yes, I thought you said Stephenson, Gal in Under Siege. And I was like, what?

[Ian Smith]

Stevenson, Gal.

[Ed Gamble]

Stevenson. Gallon. He was a chef in the Navy.

[James Acaster]

He was a chef in Under Siege because, like, that was the big era of action films having, like. Unlikely.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

So the hero is always someone who's knocking about. And you underestimate.

[Ed Gamble]

Maybe Under Siege was based on your dad.

[Ian Smith]

Could be, yeah. I mean, the evidence is there. They're both chefs in the navy.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. So your dad learned. Did he learn to cook in the Navy?

[Ian Smith]

I'm not sure, to be honest. I guess he would have. He must have been able to cook before he was stationed as the ship chef.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[Ian Smith]

So the ship chef. The ship chef. But, yeah. I'm not sure what is in terms of, like, the cookery school, but my mum and dad are both good cooks.

[Ed Gamble]

That's good.

[Ian Smith]

My mum does an incredible meatloaf. Let's just get that. I don't want it to feel like I'm just complimenting my dad here.

[James Acaster]

Well, enough about her karaoke choices. I really hope it got that.

[Ian Smith]

Ben's laughing, James going a high five. Ed doing a fist bump. Just here. A very faint, then click of my knuckle.

[James Acaster]

There was a really slow motion, my hand going towards it. And then at the last minute, I decided to go for the fist bump, but only caught his top knuckle.

[Ed Gamble]

And it cracked.

[James Acaster]

And it cracked. Pathetic.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Viral.

[James Acaster]

Viral. That's gone viral. Ed sings meatloaf at karaoke.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Ian Smith]

Oh, do you?

[Ed Gamble]

I do, yeah.

[Ian Smith]

I think I did that at karaoke I don't like karaoke. Do you know, I think I did a Meat Love once. But how's long in it?

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

That's why I like doing it.

[Ian Smith]

Really.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah.

[Ian Smith]

Not let anyone else get up.

[Ed Gamble]

It's funny to me that five minutes in, people start clapping as if it's finished and they're relieved.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

And I have to say, he's not even crashed the bike yet. Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Always works. I've seen him do it about three times. Every time he says he's not even crushed the bike yet. Big laughs. I'm like, fair enough. I know, I know. This isn't the place of material. We're meant to be letting our hair down, having a good time, but you can't fault it.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Ian Smith]

Bow hell, you get a Bohemian Rhapsody.

[James Acaster]

Of course.

[Ian Smith]

End of the night.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I do it like Lee Evans. I do all the actions.

[Ian Smith]

My friend Dom got. We got kicked out of a karaoke bar in Edinburgh because it's not the hairdresser. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's my friend.

[Ed Gamble]

He moved on to friend.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Ian Smith]

We did. Well, he did. But I put him down for Mad World. And he did the Sad Mad World at karaoke bar. And the guy. The atmosphere is incredible. People were singing along.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ian Smith]

The guy run it wasn't happy. And then we're just about to go up and do Candle in the Wind, where the guy come up my table. The level of anger for what funny is so disproportionate. But he's like, you're fucking killing me here. You're killing me here. If you're gonna keep doing songs like that, you can off. And we will keep. That's one of the songs we'll keep doing. And we're kicked out.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Kicked out doing sad songs.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah, yeah.

[James Acaster]

That's great.

[Ed Gamble]

Which Candle in the Wind. Well, we didn't get back to back.

[James Acaster]

Back to back.

[Ian Smith]

I imagine we were doing it as a duet. And I'd have been singing for Diana and he'd have been singing for Monroe.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Monroe had better hair.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah.

[James Acaster]

And only. Only. Only just by the way.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

All the princess dying fans of its time as well. Of its time.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. Yeah.

[James Acaster]

So your dream dessert, the one that.

[Ian Smith]

So my dad would make a trifle. If he's doing a trifle. And I just want one component of the trifle. It's my favorite bit.

[James Acaster]

Okay.

[Ian Smith]

But, you know, you get those. They're not like sponge. A little sponge fingers. And they soak up a bit of jelly.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[Ian Smith]

Get Rid of them. Oh, get rid of that.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Ian Smith]

No, no, no.

[James Acaster]

They won't last two seconds in the vice.

[Ian Smith]

Get rid of them, they'll crumble.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah.

[Ian Smith]

What my dad would do is he'd cut up a Swiss roll.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Ian Smith]

Into slices. He's putting that on the base.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Ian Smith]

And then you pour in hot jelly over that. Yeah. And then when it sets, the sponge has taken on the jelly and you get like a mixture of sponge and jelly. It's like a jelly sponge cake.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. It's such a. I'm laughing at this because I've had. This is very comedy.

[Ian Smith]

Have you had it with Swiss roll? Yes.

[James Acaster]

It is delicious. And I. I'm fully in your corner.

[Ed Gamble]

Seems like believing you've invented things runs in the family.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ian Smith]

My dad never claims to be invented, but I want. I love the cake absorbing jelly and the, the bit of icing that doesn't absorb anything and that's just. But so I want a ton, if you're allowed to say that, of cake earlier. But they're in a bowl. I want you to cut up Swiss roll, chocolate and plain. I want Battenberg sliced up, whack it all in a bowl to the rim. Then I want hot jelly poured over it. I want all that to get soaked up. Red jelly, red jelly, red jelly. Or I'd even take lime.

[James Acaster]

Okay.

[Ian Smith]

Put it in the fridge. And then I'd just cut me out a big slice of that jellied cake.

[Ed Gamble]

So. Yeah. Jellied. Is it jellied cake or caked jelly?

[Ian Smith]

Would you say jellied cake?

[Ed Gamble]

Yes. There's more cake than jelly.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah. And the cake is becoming jellified.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Ian Smith]

But you can't cake jelly. I don't think.

[Ed Gamble]

Okay, yes, you can jelly cake. You can't cake jelly.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah. The jelly's affecting the situation here.

[James Acaster]

That's the way you remember it. You can jelly a cake, but you can't cake a jelly. Yeah, I'm sure they could cake a jelly. Cake is a. You can cake stuff.

[Ed Gamble]

But I guess, yeah, you can be caked in jelly.

[James Acaster]

Oh, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

You can't be jellied in cake.

[Ian Smith]

We know what the next T shirts are going to be. Merch wise. You can't jelly a cake.

[James Acaster]

I think that's great. I can't fault that. I would like to eat that any day of the week. That's delicious.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah, I'm happy with that.

[James Acaster]

And it is the best part. I don't know, actually, the rest of a tripod is pretty brilliant.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah, I like it. Wouldn't be Sad if that was gone.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah. I'd say a lot of your dishes are just loads of things just thrown together.

[Ian Smith]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That is what they are.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. I think you could eat a lot. I think you could eat your whole meal with a spoon.

[Ian Smith]

It's good.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Ian Smith]

Blood risotto, waffle wa.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Ian Smith]

The lamb. Yes. That's falling apart.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah.

[Ian Smith]

No, you could.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah.

[Ian Smith]

Just put a spoon out.

[Ed Gamble]

Great.

[James Acaster]

So what do you want? What Chocolate.

[Ed Gamble]

You want? Go on, then. You got a specific bit of chocolate.

[Ian Smith]

Thing and if you've never had it before, I've got one in my bag that you can try a bit of. I love these so much. A peppermint slice.

[James Acaster]

Yes.

[Ian Smith]

You know your millionaire shortbread?

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Ian Smith]

The caramel's gone.

[Ed Gamble]

Right.

[Ian Smith]

And it's peppermint cream.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ian Smith]

And they only really do them in, like, Aberdeen, like, sort of northern Scotland. And anytime I go to Aberdeen to see my family, I will walk around Aberdeen to try and find a bakery that's got one. I walked for ages to a cafe near the docks, actually, in my sort of comfortable environment, because A review from 2002 said the peppermint squares were nice. I went. They weren't doing them anymore. They had a mint Malteser tiffin, but that's not the same. But. But I had to get one of them because I can't go into a cafe.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Ian Smith]

Like a bakery, and just go. Not for me. And walk out.

[James Acaster]

I'll tell you what, you can do that.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, you can do that.

[Ian Smith]

Really?

[James Acaster]

You can go in any. Any place, look around and go. Actually, I don't want any of this. And walk out. And that's on them. They won't go, what a weirdo. Yeah, he didn't. He didn't buy.

[Ed Gamble]

Have a nice day. Thanks very much.

[Ian Smith]

Really, that's absolute. That's changed my life.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. How much stuff have you bought in the past out of awkwardness?

[Ian Smith]

A Mondeo. Can barely drive. Can't drive a manual anymore. That's what I got.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah. But I'd like a bit of peppermint square.

[Ed Gamble]

A peppermint square.

[James Acaster]

You got some in your bag?

[Ian Smith]

Yeah. Do you want it? Have you ever had one?

[James Acaster]

Let me look. No, let me have a look, just to see. I want to see what exactly what you mean. Because your description of it was pretty funny.

[Ian Smith]

Peppermint slice.

[James Acaster]

Oh, well, no, I've not had one of them.

[Ed Gamble]

How have you found it in London and.

[Ian Smith]

Well, this was. My mum and dad got me a little batch of them for Christmas oh.

[James Acaster]

That'S nice for the listener. It's January 6th right now.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, if this comes out, I dare you to put it out in August with me talking about Christmas. I dare you. They got them for Christmas and I still haven't finished them.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, of course.

[Ian Smith]

Now, whatever time you're listening, I haven't finished them.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. How many did they get you?

[Ian Smith]

Oh, they'll have been a good like five. Yeah, I've.

[Ed Gamble]

Is this the last one?

[Ian Smith]

Yeah, yeah.

[James Acaster]

They know you love them.

[Ian Smith]

Oh, yeah, I love them so much. I think it's about. I love mint once. Have you ever. In New Zealand, in Auckland. Have you been to the Red lady, the White lady, the van? No, it's like a famous kind of food, street food.

[Ed Gamble]

Right.

[Ian Smith]

It's been around there for ages. It's in a part of Auckland where it's open really late. But the people around the van are quite scary. One of the flavors. Milkshake. Flavors. Milkshake that they do is spearmint.

[Ed Gamble]

Saying it like it's a red one.

[Ian Smith]

Flavors, milkshake.

[Ed Gamble]

Which flavors Milkshake.

[Ian Smith]

Do you sound like I live under a bridge and I'm getting like a riddle.

[Ed Gamble]

Milkshake flavors. 3. Chocolate, vanilla or strawberry.

[Ian Smith]

That's good.

[James Acaster]

Oh, that's nice. Yeah.

[Ian Smith]

I can be a troubled riddle. Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Not bad.

[Ian Smith]

But yeah, they did spearmint and I thought, I'll try that. Just a big drink of toothpaste.

[James Acaster]

Awful.

[Ian Smith]

Worst thing I've ever had in my life.

[Ed Gamble]

Good. What I always love is when someone mentions a place by name. Benito's googling it. Big build up and it ends with you saying they do something that's disgusting.

[Ian Smith]

The milkshakes are disgusting, but the burgers are lovely. Yeah, even that out.

[Ed Gamble]

What colour lady, was it? White lady.

[James Acaster]

It was a white lady. There you go. Menu back. Now, see how you feel about it.

[Ian Smith]

Okay.

[James Acaster]

Water. You want blood, podums or bread.

[Ed Gamble]

And you wanted that.

[James Acaster]

You want that. Podums of bread. You want a basket of rowies?

[Ian Smith]

I guess a rowie or a buttery.

[James Acaster]

Buttery potato damping.

[Ed Gamble]

Dampers. Potato dampies is what he's making in the drunk toilet.

[James Acaster]

He's put dampies here. Bonito has written dampies here.

[Ian Smith]

And listen to see?

[Ed Gamble]

And he's loving it.

[James Acaster]

Starter haggis, salmon and Saffron Risotto. Brackets, McCollard Surprise. Main course. Slow cooked lamb with black and dumpy carrots and waffle W Potatoes. Which is your side dish is waffle W potatoes Drink. Fentiman's dandelion and burdock stock dessert, jellied cake followed by a peppermint square.

[Ed Gamble]

It sort of snuck up on me how. How mad that menu is.

[James Acaster]

Yep. Well, when you hear it back, it is mad.

[Ian Smith]

My original water choice was going to be bobbing for apples.

[James Acaster]

Was it?

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, I'm disappointed we didn't get to that.

[Ian Smith]

It was boring. I thought just bob for apples.

[James Acaster]

Have you ever bought bob for apples before?

[Ian Smith]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Successfully.

[Ian Smith]

Oh, got an apple.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Wow.

[Ed Gamble]

So the water choice is bobbing for apples. Are you hoping you'll accidentally take some water on to hydrate? Yeah, yeah, that's the plan. That's how you.

[James Acaster]

Well, we'll let you do that as well. The blood, you know, the blood. Blood on the side.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah. At the end.

[Ed Gamble]

Or bob for apple's bit in blood.

[Ian Smith]

Oh, yeah.

[James Acaster]

Bob for Halloweeny.

[Ian Smith]

Bob for blood oranges.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Ian Smith]

You're not even getting to eat them. Once you got them, then you got them and then peel them. Awful. Peeled blood oranges in blood. And I'll BOB throw.

[Ed Gamble]

Ian, you're one of those guests where it takes ages because everything that anyone mention, any word, you've got a story about it.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

You find that.

[Ian Smith]

I try and come with anecdotes.

[James Acaster]

And listen, we have a secret ingredient every week. Oh, yeah.

[Ian Smith]

I was nervous for you.

[Ed Gamble]

It was harsh this week because I was like.

[James Acaster]

Because of Ghoul. I was like, we should make salt and pepper the secret ingredient, but only if you specify you want some salt and pepper in there. And when you said that, I didn't even want pepper.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

When you said that, I was like, like. I mean, you've absolutely swerved it.

[Ian Smith]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

You specifically swerved the secret ingredient that.

[Ian Smith]

Makes it look like Bonito's giving me a. A tip off.

[Ed Gamble]

He would have loved it.

[Ian Smith]

Don't say so.

[Ed Gamble]

He loves it when it goes wrong. Ian, thank you very much for coming to the dream restaurant.

[Ian Smith]

Thank you. Thank you for having.

[James Acaster]

Thank you, Ian.

[Ed Gamble]

Thank you so much to Ian for coming on the pod. Oh, we went through a lot of topics.

[James Acaster]

He's got a. I mean, I don't know what's going to make it in, what's going to not make it in, but I hope it makes sense.

[Ed Gamble]

What will definitely make it in is Ian deliberately saying he didn't want pepper.

[James Acaster]

Yes.

[Ed Gamble]

He wanted haggis instead.

[James Acaster]

That was great.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Because, like, you know, he didn't know, obviously.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

So he's actually gone out of his way to not put pep on a dish by using haggis instead. He definitely didn't say the secret ingredient. He gets to stay in the restaurant.

[Ed Gamble]

What I would say is that the pepperiness in haggis comes from pepper. Pepper. But I. I didn't want to. I didn't want to go down that road.

[James Acaster]

No. Yeah. Especially because he would have been like, why am I being so.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah.

[James Acaster]

Interrogated on this particular.

[Ed Gamble]

But even just the idea of saying you can put haggis on something and you don't have to use pepper.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

You are putting pepper on it.

[James Acaster]

Sure.

[Ed Gamble]

That's what you're doing. Yeah. Meaty pepper and oats and stuff. Yeah.

[James Acaster]

The best pepper. Maybe the best pepper. Meaty pepper.

[Ed Gamble]

Meat pepper.

[James Acaster]

Dr. Pepper's.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Older brother.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[James Acaster]

Tougher brother.

[Ed Gamble]

Tough. Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Meaty pepper.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Meat pepper fights his battles for him.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Crushing is out. Now watch Ian Smith and his new comedy special. You will. You'll be so glad that you did.

[Ed Gamble]

Of course, our dear old friend Ian Smith is on tour now with foot spa half empty. For dates and Tickets, go to iansmithcomedian.com and listen to Northern news. It's very, very funny.

[James Acaster]

And Joe. What? Watch all of Amy Gladhill stuff.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

While we're here.

[Ian Smith]

Oh, come on.

[Ed Gamble]

We can. We can't be using Ian's episode to plug Amy's stuff.

[James Acaster]

Come on, just do, do, do the whole northern news world.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes. Okay.

[James Acaster]

You know, do that and listen to all the plosive podcasts.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. Thank you very much for listening to the off menu podcast. We will see you next week.

[James Acaster]

We will see you next week.

[Ed Gamble]

Bye.

[Ian Smith]

Bye.

[James Acaster]

Bye.

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[Ian Smith]

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