Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster
Episode Summary: Ian Smith (October 22, 2025)
Main Theme and Purpose
In this raucous and inventive episode of Off Menu, comedians Ed Gamble and James Acaster welcome the brilliantly eccentric Ian Smith into their "dream restaurant." The premise remains: Ian is invited to construct his ideal meal—starter, main, side, dessert, and drink—while gleefully unpacking food memories, Northern idiosyncrasies, and the art of condensing chocolate biscuits in a vice. It’s a deliciously chaotic journey through comfort foods, inventive combinations, family history, and the existential question: can you jelly a cake, or cake a jelly?
Key Discussion Points & Insights
1. The Art of the Introduction & Banter
- The trio riff on Ian’s Northern identity, the "Angel of the North," and the podcast’s ritualistic welcome.
- A running bit involves the dynamic between podcast producers at Off Menu and Ian’s own “Plosive family” gang—complete with “beans on toast” as shorthand for camaraderie. (06:08-08:59)
2. Plugging Ian’s Projects
- Ian’s podcast Northern News gets plugged: "We just get all the sort of bizarre stories from the north, like small town weird stories." (Ian Smith, 06:39)
- The group discuss the awkwardness of plugging one’s own work and the unique tone of Ian's new comedy special “Crushing” and his upcoming tour “Foot Spa Half Empty.” (13:42-16:55)
- Ian’s accidental viral ambitions: "The main thing that I want from this is that we go viral." (Ian Smith, 18:48)
3. Secret Ingredient: Salt & Pepper
- This week’s “banned” ingredient is salt and pepper, inspired by giant condiment-shaped structures in Ian’s hometown of Goole. The rule: if Ian specifically requests adding salt or pepper, he’ll be thrown out. (03:52-04:41)
4. Food, Friendship, and Hairdressers in Tanks
- Storytime! Ian’s unique relationship with his hairdresser ("Dom"), which graduated into proper friendship—to the extent that they drove a tank together in Slovakia. "But he just cut my hair and then we just started chatting and then it sort of developed to get a pint after this... It's just become a really good friendship." (Ian Smith, 16:23)
- The trio muse about making friends as adults, the etiquette of haircuts, and how difficult it is to escape your hairdresser if you become good mates. (15:16-17:57)
5. The Diary and Organization Reveal
- Ian unveils his meticulously color-coded paper diary, surprising James and Ed who perceive him as a chaotic "scamp."
- "I've always thought of you... as a cheeky little scamp." (James Acaster, 24:10)
- "But I once lost my diary and I mean, my life's ruined." (Ian Smith, 24:43)
- The diary contains birthdays (marked with stickers), color codes for types of events, and reminders like “Cancel Apple TV.” (24:00-27:31)
6. Sparkling or Still Water?
- Ian’s answer: initially jokes about blood, then settles on “still.”
- "Blood, bread, please... The whole menu has changed. Trying to complement blood." (28:07)
- Banter continues about going viral (“Northern Comic drinks blood”, 19:20) and hypothetical vampire careers. (20:27-22:31)
7. Dream Bread: Scottish "Buttery" & Aussie Potato Damper
- Ian’s dream bread basket features the Scottish "buttery" (a rich, flaky, lardy roll) and potato damper (Australian potato bread cooked on hot coals).
- "They're sort of like a bread roll and a croissant... invented for fishermen to give them energy for the day." (Ian Smith, 29:10)
- He wants to finish the bread tableside over coals, with Lloyd Langford present to “de-wankify” pretentious dishes. (29:45-34:32)
8. The Starter: Salmon, Haggis, and Saffron Risotto
- A combo of his favorite (but underused) ingredients.
- "Do you like pepper? Haggis, by its very nature, it's just a very peppery dish. I reckon a little crumbling of haggis is the same as having a pepper grinder." (Ian Smith, 35:35)
- The haggis “takes the place of pepper,” cleverly sidestepping the secret ingredient.
- Banter about naming inventions (“McOlive Surprise”) and the logic of experimental menus. (35:39-44:02)
9. The Main Course: Slow-cooked Lamb
- “The normal one.” Lamb cooked until melt-in-the-mouth, inspired by a meal in New Zealand.
- "I want it to be slow cooked... by the time this thing had been cooked, it wasn't sliceable by any means." (Ian Smith, 48:27-51:16)
- Served with “black and dumpy” roasted carrots (inspired by a Reykjavik restaurant) and “waffle wow” (potato waffles). Discussions spiral into places NOT to eat lamb (funerals, train toilets, unused nappies). (53:23-56:09)
10. The Side Dish: Potato Waffles
- Nostalgic joy for Bird’s Eye potato waffles:
- "They're waffly versatile." (A real-time revelation for Ian, who had been saying "waffling versatile" his whole life!) (57:16-58:38)
- Extended love letter to potato waffles, their delicious versatility, and memories of eating them with friends (or building waffle towers like Lego). (59:01-63:41)
11. Inventor Personality and Odd Eating Habits
- Ian’s childhood food “inventions,” including scoring roast chicken (believing he invented pulled pork) and squashing penguin bars in a woodwork vice to enhance flavor.
- "I had to stop myself doing something because... I couldn't live like that." (Ian Smith, 68:21)
12. Dream Drink: Dandelion & Burdock
- Fentimans’ herbal soda is the pick, praised for its “medicinal” taste.
- "My favorite fizzy drink is dandelion and burdock." (Ian Smith, 73:10)
- Jokes about the mixology of “Red hot iron ball and elderflower”—and learning in real time that dandelion and burdock isn’t a brand, but a flavor. (72:55-75:22)
13. Dessert: Jellied Cake ("Trifled" Swiss Roll)
- Ian’s dad, a former Navy chef, makes trifles using Swiss roll instead of sponge fingers; red jelly poured over Battenberg and Swiss roll so it soaks in.
- "What my dad would do is he'd cut up a Swiss roll... pour in hot jelly over that... you get like a mixture of sponge and jelly. It's like a jelly sponge cake." (Ian Smith, 85:32)
- Contemplating the semantics: "Can you jelly a cake, or cake a jelly?" (86:58-87:23)
14. The Chocolatey Epilogue: Peppermint Square
- Ian’s favorite after-meal treat: a peppermint slice (like a peppermint millionaire’s shortbread, but rare outside northern Scotland).
- "Anytime I go to Aberdeen... I will walk around... to try and find a bakery that's got one." (Ian Smith, 88:31)
- A poignant note about the social anxiety of leaving shops empty-handed and what he’s bought out of awkwardness ("a Mondeo, can barely drive").
Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments
- On hairdresser-friend dynamics:
"He just cut my hair and then we just started chatting and then it sort of developed to get a pint after this... and it's just become a really good friendship." (16:23) - The Diary Reveal:
"It's color coordinated." (23:21)
"If you think that's sad? It's color coordinated." (23:19) - On bread:
"Butteries are... sort of like a bread roll and a croissant... invented for fishermen..." (29:10) - On haggis as pepper:
"I reckon a little crumbling of haggis is the same as having a pepper grinder." (35:35) - Waffly Versatile Revelation:
"I've been saying waffling versatile all this time." (57:57) - On invention myths:
"I genuinely thought I invented pulled pork." (64:40) - Vice-cooking:
"I pull it out and I... it tasted incredible. All the flavor again, it's been condensed and it just... almost like a truffle." (67:54-68:21) - Dessert description:
"Pour in hot jelly over that... a mixture of sponge and jelly. It's like a jelly sponge cake." (85:38) - On shop awkwardness:
"I can't go into a cafe... and just go. Not for me. And walk out... (James & Ed reassure him that he can)" (89:07-89:17)
Timestamps for Important Segments
| Timestamp | Topic/Quote | |-----------|-----------------------------------------------------------------------| | 06:08 | Banter about beans on toast and producer relationships | | 16:23 | Ian on becoming friends with his hairdresser and driving a tank | | 23:21 | Diary reveal: "It's color coordinated." | | 29:10 | Description of Scottish "buttery" bread | | 35:35 | Haggis as a substitute for pepper | | 57:57 | The great "waffly" vs. "waffling" versatile jingle misunderstanding | | 64:40 | Childhood myth: "I genuinely thought I invented pulled pork." | | 85:38 | How to make jellied cake from trifle and Swiss roll | | 88:31 | The peppermint square quest in Aberdeen | | 89:08 | On not buying things out of awkwardness |
The Full "Dream" Menu
- Water: (Jokingly) Blood; otherwise, still; alternatively, "bobbing for apples" (93:00)
- Bread: Basket with Scottish “buttery/rowie” and potato damper, finished over hot coals (29:10-31:13)
- Starter: Salmon, haggis, and saffron risotto—“McOlive Surprise” (35:00-44:12)
- Main Course: Slow-cooked lamb with roasted black & dumpy carrots (from Reykjavik) and “waffle wow” (Bird's Eye potato waffles) (48:27-64:31)
- Side Dish: Potato waffles (“waffly versatile”) (57:16-64:31)
- Drink: Fentimans Dandelion & Burdock, ice-cold, no ice (72:55-76:34)
- Dessert: Jellied cake made from sponge cake, Battenberg and Swiss roll, soaked with jelly (85:32-87:23)
- Petit Fours/Chocolate: Peppermint square/slice from Scottish bakeries (88:18-89:36)
Ian's Dream Meal: In a Nutshell
A menu that balances nostalgia, invention, and randomness, all narrated with Northern wit:
- A bread basket that’s part fisherman, part arsonist;
- A starter that’s a pepper-substitute loophole;
- Melt-in-the-mouth lamb with dumpy black carrots and a nostalgic Bird’s Eye side;
- Dessert as a "jelly-soaked sponge cake", plus a peppermint square chaser;
- Washed down with herbal fizzy pop.
Tone & Style
The atmosphere is unguarded, playful, and infectiously silly—full of tangents, food nerdity, and the uniquely British charm of seeing sincerity and chaos through the same lens. Ian Smith brings wild anecdotes and original (sometimes utterly bonkers) food ideas, met with Ed and James’s dry teasing, genuine curiosity, and warm encouragement.
For First-Time Listeners
This episode is a quintessential “Off Menu” romp: anarchic, food-obsessed, and sprawling—a celebration of comfort food, family quirks, culinary invention, and why nobody should feel obliged to buy a Mondeo.
To Explore Further
Notable Quote of the Episode
"I reckon a little crumbling of haggis is the same as having a pepper grinder."
—Ian Smith, (35:35)
*Catch Ian’s menu of madness, and stick around for sticker charts, vampire ethics, and the true meaning of “waffly versatile.”