Joy Crookes

Summary

Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster

Guest: Joy Crookes

Release Date: November 12, 2025
Summary by [Expert Podcast Summarizer]

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Episode Overview

This lively episode welcomes acclaimed singer-songwriter Joy Crookes into the "Dream Restaurant" with hosts Ed Gamble and James Acaster. The trio dive into Joy's dream meal choices, wander off into hilarious and insightful tangents about language mishaps, music, food nostalgia, and British cultural quirks. With Joy’s wit and warmth on full display, conversation flows from sparkling water “burp dancing” to the subtleties of Bangladeshi cuisine—all with Off Menu’s signature irreverence and heart.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Joy Crookes’ New Album & Live Music Insights (12:38–16:35)

• Glastonbury Afterglow: Joy reflects on her much-talked-about Glastonbury set. James shares fan excitement and media buzz, affirming her "Juniper" album’s anticipation.
• Making and Loving the Album: Joy reveals she’s finally found peace with her work after exhaustive rehearsal sessions with her band, "The Mates."

  "Now I’m really enjoying playing the music. That is a good sign." — Joy Crookes (13:13)

• Constant Tweaking: She admits to frequently wishing she’d included live “improvements” on the original record, showing the fluidity of her artistic process.
• Live Album Preferences: The iconic “MTV Unplugged” sets by Nirvana and Lauryn Hill get a nod as inspirational, raw musical moments.

2. The Power & Pitfalls of Language (“Joyisms”) (16:53–18:58)

• Invented Proverbs: Joy shares her knack for unintentionally mangling British sayings, inspiring her boyfriend to collect these “Joyisms” in a book:

  “Make yourselves home.”
  “Fruits of my labia.”
  “You take a breath and they take a mile.”

  • The hosts revel in these unique twists, with Ed suggesting "Fruits of the Loom" T-shirts as peak bootleg gig merchandise.

3. Sparkling Water, Burp Dancing, and “Performative Males” (19:12–28:13)

• Joy’s Drink of Choice: Sparkling water ("Vichy Catalan" or, as Joy says, "Vicky Catalan") is her non-negotiable starter, sparking talk of burp-centric stage choreography.
• Serious Sparkling Water Discourse: The group discuss soda connoisseurs and the subtle nuances between brands, highlighting Joy’s passion for flavorful “salty” sparkling water.
• Social Archetypes: Joy rolls out the concept of “performative male” and hilariously tries to explain Premier League vs. Champions League masculinity, leaving Ed and James both amused and (slightly) perplexed.

4. Food, Family, and Identity Tangles (29:00–39:00)

• Poppadoms vs. Bread—The "Mum or Dad" Dilemma: With her Bangladeshi and Irish background, Joy refuses to pick between poppadoms and soda bread:

  "That’s like asking me to choose between mum and dad, you know?" — Joy Crookes (29:24)

• Breakfast Confessions: Joy shocks with her breakfast: leftover biryani and a protein shake at 10 am—earning approval for her unpretentious approach.
• Nostalgic Foods: She waxes poetic about how certain biscuits (Dove Farm) transport her back to pre–Jamie Oliver “sugar tax” days, sparking a debate on childhood diet nostalgia vs. health.

5. Joy’s Menu: Starters, Mains, Sides, Drinks, Dessert

Starter:

• Combo Moment: A Richmond sausage butty (on white bread with Kerrygold butter, ketchup, sriracha) and jamón ibérico—cheekily set in a dream world where it's still affordable.

  "We don't do oregano and the sausage and Cumberland schmumberland." — Joy Crookes on her simple sausage preference (34:43)

• Hilarious detours about breads like "Mighty White" and “neo-Nazi vibes” ensue.

Main:

• Spaghetti Bolognese: The definition of comfort food for Joy, described as a "Velcro moment":

  “It’s nostalgic. It makes you feel good, but from the outside perspective it’s quite remedial and childish.” — Ed Gamble, translating "Velcro moment" (43:17)

• Prepared by: Her Italian alter ego "John Cena," an “auntie who smokes in the kitchen.”
• Refill Station: A drinks-style Parmesan dispenser for strategic cheese layering.

Side:

• Bangladeshi Borda: Variety of homemade spicy, mustard-oil–based pastes made with main ingredients (like prawn). Must be made with love (otherwise "it just doesn't slap").

  “People come from Bangladesh to my mum’s house in West London to eat her Bangladeshi food because she makes it better than most people in Bangladesh." — Joy Crookes (55:08)

Drink:

• During: Vodka Pepsi Max (“because you need a fizzy drink” and for dinner-table chit-chat).
• After: Irish whiskey old fashioned, preferably Jameson’s, with a slight rant about massive ice cubes cutting into her value for money.

Dessert:

• Sprinkle Cake and Custard: A classic British school dinner treat, “biggest fuck you to Jamie Oliver I can think of.” Joy wants it simple, happy, and lukewarm.

  "I love sprinkle cake and custard. And that's the...that I loved growing up." — Joy Crookes (79:39)

6. Tangents, Quotes, and Memorable Moments

• Leech Stories & Eccentric Side Narratives: Joy’s leech-removal exploits (“just yanked it off!”), Ed’s aversion to Glastonbury, and wild asides about Instagram pages like “Accidentally Ireland.”
• Fart Philosophy: An elaborate tangent about flatulence in relationships—Joy muses that partners’ farts can sometimes increase attraction, not diminish it.
• Aggressively Imagined TV: Joy and James concoct a new show where comedians solve crimes using comedy skills.
• Archetype Play: Joy insists if she were on The Traitors, she’d conspire with James ("we’d be so good as traitors").
• “Performative Fed” Bit: Discussion about the "good cop" going viral for getting a “dirty wine” at Notting Hill Carnival.
• Old Men Learning Gen Z Slang: The episode closes with Joy besting Ed and James in generational weirdness.

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Notable Quotes & Timestamps

• On Her Album & Live Shows:
  "I realized I really like it because I go to rehearsals now... and I'm really enjoying playing the music." – Joy Crookes (13:02)

• Joyisms
  "Fruits of my labia was one." – Joy Crookes (17:31)
  "You take a breath and they take a mile." – Joy Crookes (17:44)

• On Performative Males:
  "I think you’d be a performative male if you did that." — Joy Crookes on sparkling water obsessiveness (25:39)

• Food Nostalgia:
  "Any food that transports me to when I was a kid in a good way, just makes me feel really happy." — Joy Crookes (38:23)

• Velcro Analogy:
  "There’s something really warming and nice about it... but I feel like a wallad on the tube when I’m trying to get my lipliner out... [that’s] how I feel about spaghetti bolognese." — Joy Crookes (42:07)

• On Cooking with Mood:
  "When people cook when they're mad, you can taste it." — Joy Crookes (55:08)

• Relationship Flatulence:
  "My wife farts. I’ll put it out there. She’s got Irish butty syndrome." — Ed Gamble (61:35)

• On Sprinkle Cake:
  "For me, dessert is sprinkle cake and custard. And that is the biggest fuck you to Jamie Oliver I can think of." — Joy Crookes (77:16)

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Timestamps for Major Segments

| Time | Segment | |-----------|------------------------------------------------------| | 04:22 | Start of guest introduction, playful restaurant banter | | 08:49 | Joy enters dream restaurant; mood and setup chat | | 12:38 | Joy’s new album “Juniper”; touring and rehearsals | | 16:52 | "Joyisms" and language games | | 19:12 | Sparkling water burps and performative maleness | | 29:00 | Poppadoms vs. bread ("Mum or Dad") dilemma | | 34:30 | Sausage butty and jamón ibérico starter | | 41:32 | Spaghetti Bolognese main / “Velcro moment” | | 53:54 | Bangladeshi borda (side dish), “cooking with mood” | | 58:00 | Drinks: Vodka Pepsi Max and Old Fashioned | | 69:37 | Dessert: Sprinkle cake & custard, joy in simplicity | | 81:15 | Menu recap & closing banter |

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Tone & Vibes

• Joyful, playful, and often absurd conversational energy
• Ed and James act as genial, slightly befuddled uncles to Joy's irrepressible Gen Z energy
• Laughter abounds, with plenty of mutual ribbing, digressions, and inside jokes
• Occasional moments of sincere reflection on creativity and cultural belonging

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For First-Time Listeners

This episode is a microcosm of Off Menu's appeal: it’s as much about food as it is about joyfully meandering conversation, wild analogies, and cultural lampooning. Joy Crookes is a sparky, quick-witted guest who takes the format, and the hosts, on several wild rides—but always brings it back to the comfort (and subversion) of home cooking and childhood treats.

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Listen for:

• Food as family history
• Playful riffs on masculinity and British-Asian identity
• Joy’s “wrong” proverbs, culinary logic, and sharp comic instincts
• Joy, Ed, and James’ chemistry: equal parts silly, insightful, and charming

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Recommendation:

• If you love food, music, and British banter—don't miss this episode.
• Give Joy’s album "Juniper" a listen after: you’ll appreciate the wit and heart behind the songs even more.

Transcript

[Ed Gamble]

Oh no.

[James Acaster]

It's James Acaster from the off menu podcast. The podcast that you are listening to. And I have some news. I am going on tour round America, North America from the 20th of January starting in Toronto and then finishing once again in Canada in Vancouver on the 15th of February. And in between I'm going all over the place. I'm going to Philadelphia, Boston, Washington D.C. nashville, Austin, Texas, New Orleans, Atlanta, New York, Chicago, Denver, Los Angeles, San Francisco. You don't even need to edit that. Like to be smooth Benito. They know I'm scrolling through my phone. That's what the cool kids do these days. Jamesacaster.com for tickets. I'm pretty happy with that.

[Ed Gamble]

Did I talk too much? Can't I just let it go?

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[James Acaster]

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[Ed Gamble]

Welcome to the off menu podcast. Taking the Malteser of conversation, sucking off the chocolate of bad vibes, and letting the friendship melt across your tongue. You didn't like that James? No.

[James Acaster]

Ed Gamble there podcast. My name is James Acaster. That is Ed Gamble Oakley Doakly do neighborinos and. Huh.

[Ed Gamble]

God's sake. What? Why? Being Flanders again.

[James Acaster]

I thought it'd be a good thing to start doing. I think the longer this podcast goes on for, I think the more we have to, like, bring in new things that we do, like running jokes.

[Ed Gamble]

I agree, but it's not. Why? Why? Because you've done this for another podcast today which has been out already.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

I guarantee you will forget the next time we record to be Flanders.

[James Acaster]

Well, you know, a bit of fun for the listeners.

[Ed Gamble]

Well, they'll be able to tell because these go on YouTube now, so. Yeah, you'll be wearing the same thing.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, that's a good point. Yeah, I mean, I think you know, if people work out which two episodes record on the same day, Bonito will send us on shopping.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, yeah, good point. That's a good new running idea.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, we can do that.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. Hey, Benito, don't have a cow, man.

[James Acaster]

That is a gamble. My name is James Acaster.

[Ed Gamble]

Isn't that Bart?

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Together we own a dream restaurant. And every single week we invited a guest and ask their favorite ever start a make or dessert side dish and drink. And this week, our guest is Joy Crooks.

[Ed Gamble]

Joy Crooks, a very talented musician, singer and producer. And all of these businesses, James.

[James Acaster]

All of these businesses. I saw Joy at Glastonbury.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[James Acaster]

Absolutely fantastic set. One of the most talked about sets at Glastonbury, I would say.

[Ed Gamble]

By you or by everyone?

[James Acaster]

By everyone. I mean, when I was at the festival, a lot of people were saying that was one of the best things they'd seen. And then you come out of the festival and you see all the press and all the stuff about it, and it was coming up all the time there as well. So, you know, I think you wouldn't.

[Ed Gamble]

Catch me going to that place. But I'm glad. I'm happy for Joy and I'm excited to talk to her.

[James Acaster]

Yep. For the listener, Eddie finds it impossible to hear about Glastonbury without having to assert that he wouldn't go.

[Ed Gamble]

Well, as everyone, I think, who wouldn't go to Glastonbury?

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

It's like. It's a reflex.

[James Acaster]

They have to go, I would never go to that.

[Ed Gamble]

It's very boring. But I think we all do it.

[James Acaster]

I like it. Yeah, I like it.

[Ed Gamble]

I would not go.

[James Acaster]

Joy's new album, Juniper, is out now, so make sure you listen to that when you ask Joy about it as well. But listen, we love Joy Crooks, but if Joy says the secret ingredient, an ingredient which we deem to be unacceptable, we'll have to kick her out of the dream restaurant. And this week, the secret ingredient is.

[Ed Gamble]

Almond Joy. Almond Joy. You've picked this one, James. Obviously, Joy.

[James Acaster]

It's a chocolate bar in America that is basically like a bounty for.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[James Acaster]

The UK listeners, which is most of you.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

But it's got the word Joy in it. That's.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, simple, simply all.

[James Acaster]

All the thought I've put into it.

[Ed Gamble]

There, done. Why does it say toast on this press release?

[James Acaster]

The pr.

[Ed Gamble]

Your dog is the PR for Joy Crooks.

[James Acaster]

Your dog started doing pr, man. Oh, no. I don't know how good toast is going to be at pr.

[Ed Gamble]

We're going to end up interviewing like a ball.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Well, but anytime we're going to end up interviewing a ball, what would.

[Ed Gamble]

If a dog was a pr, who would they get on a ball? A bone and a bone and a cat they've chased into the studio.

[James Acaster]

Postie.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, Postie.

[James Acaster]

You should speak to the postie. I'll get you the poster.

[Ed Gamble]

That guy's doing so well at the moment.

[James Acaster]

And it would just be a trap for the poster.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, it'd be a trap for the post.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. And Toast gets him when he comes in the studio. I should be in the studio for the post. You should let me in. I should be there, make sure everything goes smoothly.

[Ed Gamble]

You got. You guys should speak to my favorite food.

[James Acaster]

Toast. Such a crazy pr, but does represent Joy Crooks. It does come good sometimes. Yeah. So that's good.

[Ed Gamble]

This episode will be on YouTube tomorrow.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. People can see us in front of the Richard and Judy kind of set that Benito's built in the studio.

[Ed Gamble]

If Toast signs off on the video.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, Toast has to sign off. He's very strict as a PR rep.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[James Acaster]

Agent. Yeah. So hopefully he'll sign off on it. It'll be okay.

[Ed Gamble]

He has to come in to do that, though, because he can't use the online one.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. So his pause. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He has to come in.

[Ed Gamble]

He's a dog, for goodness sake.

[James Acaster]

Oh, I don't know. Yeah, I'll sign off on this so I can go on the Internet. Have you given any more thought to the post, the episode and the ball, please?

[Ed Gamble]

This is the off menu menu of Joy.

[James Acaster]

Joy Crooks.

[Ed Gamble]

Welcome, Joy, to the Dream Restaurant.

[Joy Crooks]

Thanks. Hello.

[James Acaster]

Welcome, Joy Crooks to the Dream Restaurant. We've been expecting you for some time.

[Joy Crooks]

How's it going?

[James Acaster]

Good. We only just. You were commenting on the cameras before we started and I've only just like that bit there that I just did.

[Joy Crooks]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

I was a lot more comfortable doing that when we weren't being filmed every single time. And I knew people weren't gonna watch full episodes and see me do it.

[Joy Crooks]

Right.

[James Acaster]

Because in the past, like, they can just imagine me bursting out of a lamp like a genie, but now they're seeing me just doing that, it's a bit more embarrassing.

[Joy Crooks]

I feel like I'm just in a state of shock because you were both really subdued when I walked in and that just really felt like.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, we turn it on for the cameras.

[Joy Crooks]

Yeah. And. Well, no, it's not a bad thing. You know, you have to sometimes got.

[Ed Gamble]

To conserve some energy.

[Joy Crooks]

That really, really shocked me.

[James Acaster]

Wow. Yeah.

[Joy Crooks]

Hello.

[James Acaster]

Sometimes we have had to warn people. I had to warn Ed Sheeran.

[Joy Crooks]

Yeah. But you would have to warn us. He has a pond you can swim in.

[Ed Gamble]

He's got a pond.

[Joy Crooks]

Yeah, he's got like one of them. Like I call them the billionaire ponds because it's basically a pond that they've. They've now rebranded ponds to look like posh swimming pools because you can swim.

[Ed Gamble]

In them but they've got like algae in them and stuff.

[Joy Crooks]

Yeah, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

I know someone who's got a billionaires pond.

[Joy Crooks]

That's. It really like blows my mind how you can just rebrand things, you know, like a pond algae. But now that a billionaire owns it, it's okay.

[James Acaster]

Didn't know about this, like Mr. Darcy.

[Joy Crooks]

Well, yeah, I mean, it kind of. It's a bit E. Coli ish, isn't it?

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. I wouldn't. I went to a party at someone's house and he had that pond.

[Joy Crooks]

Did everyone leave with E. Coli?

[Ed Gamble]

Well, possibly, but I mean, I didn't because they were like. And later on in the party, I hope you brought your trunks. We're all going to go for a swim. Like, I'm not going for a.

[Joy Crooks]

Definitely have leeches swim at a party. They have leeches.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Joy Crooks]

There's no doubt it's full of leeches. Yeah. I pulled a leech off someone once because I didn't know you meant to put salt on it.

[James Acaster]

Oh, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Okay. What year was this?

[Joy Crooks]

Two years ago.

[Ed Gamble]

Leeches. Two years ago.

[Joy Crooks]

They got snapping turtles as well.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Joy Crooks]

Just like agro turtles, which is a bit weird, but I didn't get on the wrong side of them. That was okay. But basically a mate, like walks out of a big lake.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Joy Crooks]

There's loads of lakes there. In fact, more lakes than ever, I think.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah, they love lakes. They love it.

[Joy Crooks]

But isn't that like one of the most lake filled places in the world?

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah.

[Joy Crooks]

Lake filled big time.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Joy Crooks]

This is how, you know, I called geography advanced coloring in it. But she just walked out of this lake and she had a leech on her foot. And I saw it because, you know, you walk out of the weird ladder thing and I was behind her and I thought, oh, God, you shouldn't have that on you. And I just went and yanked it off. Yeah, but you're not meant to do that is what the Canadians tell me.

[Ed Gamble]

Because they're sucking. They're sucking blood. Right.

[Joy Crooks]

At this point, I don't know, I just was like, you're not paying rent, right? That's not your foot. And then I didn't put the salt on and I just pulled it off.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. Was it painful?

[Joy Crooks]

Well, it wasn't her. It was on someone else. I didn't really know her that well either. Just pulled her. I said, oh, God. And then just chucked it back in.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Joy Crooks]

Didn't go for me, though.

[Ed Gamble]

See, I didn't know you were supposed to put salt on the leech.

[James Acaster]

I didn't know they might put salt. I know you went. You weren't meant to pull it off because it can then puke back into your body because it's sucking the blood. And as you pull it, it can go and then puke the blood back inside you.

[Joy Crooks]

Well, thanks very much. Give it back. Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Not with. Not with added puke, though.

[Joy Crooks]

Yeah, but maybe their puke's got, like, Ed Sheeran pond effects. I don't know.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. It might be healing.

[James Acaster]

It could be. Yeah. People just don't know that.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. Yeah. Good old Leech puke.

[Joy Crooks]

I'm so glad we could get this out the way about it all morning.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. No, I mean, I could see you had that ready to go when you came in.

[Joy Crooks]

It was really scratching my mind.

[Ed Gamble]

I hope we talk about Leech Puke. Sounds like a band I would listen to.

[James Acaster]

But before we started the podcast, Joy did say to us, I'd really like to talk about Leech Puke and not my new album, Juniper, please. That was what you said.

[Ed Gamble]

What a lovely link into the promo section.

[Joy Crooks]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, that's my lovely.

[Joy Crooks]

That was really well done for that.

[James Acaster]

Very excited about this new album, as a lot of people are. I saw you at Glastonbury. It was fantastic.

[Joy Crooks]

Oh, thanks.

[James Acaster]

What can you tell people about this? I mean, there's a lot of guests I'm excited about, and the singles have sounded great. But where are you with it now? How long do you have to sit with the album before it comes out?

[Joy Crooks]

This one, about 763 years.

[Ed Gamble]

Wow.

[James Acaster]

Wow. That's a long time, actually.

[Joy Crooks]

It was a while. Well, it felt that way, but, no, I really like this album, actually, and I like performing it. I realized I like it. I realized I liked it along the way, but I realized I really like it because I go to rehearsals now. I'm rehearsing for tour at the moment, and I'm really enjoying playing the music. And that is a good sign.

[Ed Gamble]

That's a really good sign.

[Joy Crooks]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Imagine if you in there going, oh.

[Joy Crooks]

No, I've been there.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Joy Crooks]

There are things where I've been like, oh, Jesus, and, like, also, just when it doesn't feel like we're getting the music, but I get on. I call my band the Mates. We're called Joy Crooks and the Mates. And they really are my mates. They're just such a funny bunch of boys. And then just playing the music feels really good. And. I don't know, I feel like I can connect to it quite easily and relate to the topics, even though I wrote it a little while ago.

[James Acaster]

Do you ever sit down to, like, rehearse for the tour and come up with stuff for the songs? Oh, should have had that on the.

[Joy Crooks]

Album all the time.

[James Acaster]

Like, you add a little something the time.

[Joy Crooks]

It drives me nuts. It really drives me crazy. There's, like, guitar riffs I come up with. At the moment I'm playing Omnicord in.

[James Acaster]

One of the songs.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, nice.

[Joy Crooks]

Yeah. That we've, like, plugged through. This is really boring music stuff, like plugged through a guitar pedal. So it sounds really cool. And I'm just like, why did I not. Why did I not do that? Why did I not play Omnicord during Glastonbury?

[James Acaster]

Yeah, don't worry about boring music stuff. We. We're music nerds.

[Joy Crooks]

Okay, good.

[James Acaster]

We're here for it.

[Joy Crooks]

Good. Well, yeah, I just. There's always something I feel like I could have added or with my vocals as well. I'm like, why did I not go that there? And I did that on the record. You know, there's always something, but I think that's what makes live so fun, because you can just have a new version of the tunes in your own way.

[James Acaster]

Have you ever released a live album?

[Joy Crooks]

Sorry, never.

[James Acaster]

Would you do it?

[Joy Crooks]

Probably. If I didn't think it sounded shy.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Well, that's. Yeah, that's.

[James Acaster]

We assume that that's a given.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Joy Crooks]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Do I have. Do you have any favorite live albums by other artists that you. Because I think. I think they get overlooked quite a lot. But the good ones, yeah, great. Unplugged, One of the best.

[Joy Crooks]

Nirvana and Lauren's Unplugs are just, like, ridiculous.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Joy Crooks]

But, like, yeah, Kurt Cobain's Unplugged is just unreal. I actually haven't listened to it in 10 years or something. I used to listen to it a bunch when I was a kid. My dad just really loved that record, and it would be on all the time, and I don't know that specific setup. And also, strangely, the acoustic guitars, like, Lauren's acoustic guitar, she didn't even play it that well, but it wasn't about that and Kurt's. I don't know, it just sounded. The sound was amazing and it was funny how you can connect to such a, like, bare boned version of those tunes. Which is testament to the fact that the tunes are insanely good, you know.

[James Acaster]

It made me appreciate his voice even more, that album.

[Joy Crooks]

Definitely.

[James Acaster]

It's like. I think I've maybe took it for granted a bit on the Noisier album albums, but like, with that Unplugged one, you really hear how good his voice is. It's mad.

[Joy Crooks]

Totally. And you hear how good the riffs are too, because you can put them on acoustic guitars and they still bang.

[Ed Gamble]

You know, so you can't do Omnicord Unplugged, though. That's the one thing you have to.

[Joy Crooks]

You can, because it's battery powered, actually.

[James Acaster]

Blam.

[Ed Gamble]

That doesn't feel like within the spirit of the Unplugged to have battery power.

[Joy Crooks]

Well, maybe we have different spirits.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, that's true. Yeah. Yeah. Everyone. Everyone's allowed to have different spirits. But if. If I think I came to see you do Unplugged and you were using a battery powered Omnicord, I'd be like, that's not a loophole. I appreciate it.

[Joy Crooks]

You know what Joni Mitchell played on her lap? Like those hard.

[Ed Gamble]

A liar.

[Joy Crooks]

It looks like an Omnicord, but it is an actual. I don't know, it looks like something you knit with or make a rug with.

[Ed Gamble]

Like a loom.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, that.

[Joy Crooks]

I only found out what they were called the other day. I looked at my friend has one in the house and I looked at it and I was like, oh, that's a nice little knitty thing, isn't it? And she was like, oh, no, that's a loom. And now I know what a loom is.

[Ed Gamble]

Now you know what that is.

[James Acaster]

As a lyricist, when you pick up stuff like that, you're like, oh, put that. That's a nice word. I'm going to put that in a song. Loom.

[Joy Crooks]

It's funny you should mention this because I have a little problem with words, even though I'm a lyricist. So my boyfriend made me a book called Joyisms, which is British proverbs that I annihilate by accident and say with pure confidence. Yesterday I did one. I said, make yourselves home.

[Ed Gamble]

Make yourselves home.

[Joy Crooks]

Yeah. All my mates are over for an Indian takeaway.

[Ed Gamble]

I think that's nice, though.

[James Acaster]

I think that's wrong, though.

[Ed Gamble]

It's wrong. It's definitely wrong.

[Joy Crooks]

They get worse.

[Ed Gamble]

Okay.

[Joy Crooks]

Fruits of my labia was one.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah, That's a bad one. That's chapter one. That's chapter one of Joy isn't.

[Joy Crooks]

You take a breath and they take a mile.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, great.

[Joy Crooks]

What does that mean? Yeah, does that mean the sky is the ocean is something I said.

[Ed Gamble]

Well, that sounds like it could be.

[Joy Crooks]

Someone younger than me when they were asking for advice and I was like, look, the sky is the ocean.

[James Acaster]

You're like, d, boy.

[Ed Gamble]

They came away from that chat being like, I'm more confused than I was going in.

[Joy Crooks]

Literally. I used to say half a dozen, three of the other as well. I never really knew what that meant.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah. It doesn't mean anything.

[Joy Crooks]

Two sides of the same cloth and I just get them wrong all the time. I said grandma's tales the other day. It's old wives tales, isn't it?

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, but that. I mean, grandmas can be old wives as well. Right.

[Joy Crooks]

My friends thought I meant actual, like, cat tails.

[Ed Gamble]

All right. Okay.

[Joy Crooks]

Sorry. Yeah. So, yes, I hear words like loom, but there's a 98% chance I'm gonna say it. Either say it wrong or put it into the wrong thing. You know what I'm saying?

[James Acaster]

If you say Fruits of the loom.

[Joy Crooks]

Fruits of the loom.

[James Acaster]

That's just a popular T shirt.

[Joy Crooks]

That's a really good T shirt. Yeah. I love those T shirts.

[Ed Gamble]

Fruits of the Loom. I always think of when I used to go to gigs and then come out and the guys are selling the knockoff merch outside.

[Joy Crooks]

They're always better, though.

[Ed Gamble]

Well, no, because when certainly the ones I've bought in the past are like the logo screen printed over the Fruits of the Loom logo, so you can still see Fruits of the Loom showing through.

[Joy Crooks]

That's kind of a vibe.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, that's the vibe.

[Joy Crooks]

Yeah, I think so.

[James Acaster]

We always start with still a sparkling water. Joy, do you have a preference?

[Joy Crooks]

Always sparkling.

[James Acaster]

Always. Now, singers don't always say always sparkling water because of the.

[Joy Crooks]

I'm just not. I'm not just any singer. I'm a sparkling water singer.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

This is Joy Crooks we've got in the studio, man.

[Joy Crooks]

I've got. It's a shame that this is a podcast, really, because I was going to show you my burp dance, but luckily we've got these strangely horizontal cameras.

[Ed Gamble]

We've got big, long cameras.

[Joy Crooks]

So basically everyone always asks me. There's this one dance move I do. I do this on stage.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, nice.

[Joy Crooks]

But just massive burps every time. Huge ones. Sometimes I go over to my Bass player to look like we've got some chemistry. I'm burping straight into his face.

[Ed Gamble]

That's chemistry of a sort, I suppose.

[Joy Crooks]

Straight burp. You know, when cats cough, it looks like that as well.

[James Acaster]

Poor God.

[Ed Gamble]

So when you're turning away, you're burping, but are you. You're keeping your mouth shut. You're not doing like I do multiple.

[Joy Crooks]

Different kinds of burps. Can you take a burp through my nose?

[Ed Gamble]

Can you?

[Joy Crooks]

Yeah. You never had that one where it just feels like you. Especially sparkling water. Yeah, especially if it's a good one, like a viticata. What is it? Vicky Cat.

[Ed Gamble]

Vichy Catalan. Is that.

[Joy Crooks]

No, it's Vicky Catalan.

[Ed Gamble]

It's Vicky Catalan.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

All right.

[Ed Gamble]

I'm gonna trust you on that, am I?

[Joy Crooks]

Well, I have Vic.

[Ed Gamble]

I'm trust Fruit of the Lab on what they're having for.

[Joy Crooks]

When I have Vicky. I. I burp out my nose.

[Ed Gamble]

Just consistently at the nose.

[Joy Crooks]

Because you're giving me a coffee.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Joy Crooks]

But it. You can just. And it just comes out the nose.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, I know what you mean.

[James Acaster]

It's not like out of your nostrils. It makes a burp sound.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, that's what I was thinking.

[James Acaster]

That's what Edward's thinking.

[Ed Gamble]

You're burping in the mouth and you're releasing it through the nose. You're not burping straight out the nose.

[Joy Crooks]

It's like a bit of both. Can I just say really quickly, sorry to sidetrack, but you've got a green shirt on a white mug and, like, slightly orange trousers. Have you heard of the Instagram page Accidentally Island?

[James Acaster]

No, what's that?

[Joy Crooks]

Do you mind if I take a picture of you?

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Is it going. Is it being sent.

[Joy Crooks]

It's going straight to Accidentally Island.

[James Acaster]

I'm gonna go on Accidentally Island.

[Joy Crooks]

Yeah, because you've got. You. You've got the Irish flag on by accident.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, I've accidentally worn the Irish flag.

[Joy Crooks]

Well, no, it's the white mug, too.

[James Acaster]

Yes, the white mug's done it. Joe. What? White guy.

[Joy Crooks]

He'd have to have, like, a crop top on. Then he could have white the stripe midriff.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Joy Crooks]

Yeah, I know.

[James Acaster]

I made a mistake this morning when I was getting dressed. Didn't you put the crop top on?

[Joy Crooks]

I hate when that happens.

[James Acaster]

Look, you know, I've never been happier to accidentally be a country.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[James Acaster]

In Ireland.

[Joy Crooks]

Great.

[James Acaster]

So thank you.

[Joy Crooks]

You're so welcome.

[James Acaster]

I'm looking forward to being on this side track. No, no, not at all.

[Ed Gamble]

We love that.

[James Acaster]

We love a Sidetrack. So you're gonna have sparkling water now. You shouted out the Vicky Catalana or whatever.

[Joy Crooks]

What's it actually called?

[Ed Gamble]

I think it's Vichy Catalan. But I'm. I'm happy to go Vicky Catalan.

[James Acaster]

He. He's right. He's always right.

[Joy Crooks]

Like a. Like a Vici.

[Ed Gamble]

Not like Avicii the Swedish.

[Joy Crooks]

Oh. But like V. Cat.

[James Acaster]

I don't know what the Swedish.

[Joy Crooks]

That's why I just go, can I have that one, please?

[Ed Gamble]

Swedish Avicii, the DJ guy?

[Joy Crooks]

I think so.

[James Acaster]

Know this person?

[Joy Crooks]

Maybe you don't know this person.

[Ed Gamble]

I said you're a music nerd. You don't know who Avicii is?

[James Acaster]

No, I said we were music nerds. Between us, we've got it covered.

[Joy Crooks]

Yeah, yeah. I was gonna say each to their own, right?

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah.

[James Acaster]

I don't know vici. I know DJ Lethal. If we're talking to DJs.

[Joy Crooks]

I don't know if I'm allowed to say this, but I'm really into MC Bin Laden.

[James Acaster]

Okay. You can say that. I've not heard of MC Bin Laden.

[Joy Crooks]

You know about Bailiff Funk, right? The music of the favelas, the Brazilian.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Joy Crooks]

There's one of the best ones, is called MC Bin Laden. I'm not joking. And they call it the. The Brazilians. Like, Brazilian people have messaged me saying, oh, this is a song called Bololo Hahaha and by MC Binh. And they're like, this is actually our national anthem. Unofficial national anthem.

[James Acaster]

I'm going to listen to that as soon as we finish it. Because I'm only becoming, like, vaguely familiar with that genre. I don't even know what it's called. But I know that some people like JPEG Mafia did a song that was like, sampling. Yeah. So I was like, that's really all I know about it. So I thought. I didn't know it was a thing until, like, that song. And I was like, oh, like I'm.

[Ed Gamble]

This is the first time I'm here.

[James Acaster]

Quite big on the Internet at the minute. Like, oh, it's so good.

[Joy Crooks]

Yeah, it's so, so good. But that hearing it through JPEG Mafia is a little bit like hearing about Nando's through an American.

[James Acaster]

Yes. Okay.

[Joy Crooks]

You know, or like more Lisa in American.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Joy Crooks]

It's just not the same thing, is it?

[James Acaster]

No, I'm not saying that.

[Joy Crooks]

No, I'm not saying that you are. But I'm just saying what I'm saying.

[James Acaster]

Is I'm not well versed.

[Joy Crooks]

Yeah, yeah, No, I Get that. Yeah, that was an analogy.

[James Acaster]

Yes.

[Ed Gamble]

Is MC Bin Laden named after Osama or is it just a coincidence?

[Joy Crooks]

Because Osama was related to loads of Bin Laden's.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, that's true.

[Joy Crooks]

But it could have been like Jared Bin Laden.

[Ed Gamble]

Jared Bin Laden, Yep.

[Joy Crooks]

Do you know about Bin Laden's son I was reading about?

[Ed Gamble]

He's a goth.

[Joy Crooks]

Yeah, he's a goth. So it could be just after his goth son.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, he's a metalhead. He lives in England.

[Joy Crooks]

He's a massive metalhead.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. Obviously I get to serve that on the algorithm.

[Joy Crooks]

I love that we've gone from sparkling water to a salmon bin Arden. Yeah, yeah, we're just covering all the important stuff and the accidentally island outfit for getting a crop top.

[Ed Gamble]

Joy, just in case you're wondering, all of those things were you. You brought all those up.

[Joy Crooks]

What?

[James Acaster]

Yeah, we've gone.

[Ed Gamble]

God, we're really talking about all these different things.

[Joy Crooks]

Wait, how did I talk about. I don't even know. So. Yes, Vicky Catlin.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[Joy Crooks]

Yeah, Sparkling water. Because have you also seen those men on the Internet? That there's a man that's a professional sparkling waterhead and he can guess every sparkling water from New York Italian and knows exactly which is which. Which is kind of amazing. Just testament to the fact that sparkling water is so flavorful.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes. And it can be. And something very different. I mean the Vicky, our old friend Vicky, she's salty.

[Joy Crooks]

So salty.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. And then badua. Do you know badua?

[Joy Crooks]

Sorry, I don't know it.

[Ed Gamble]

Badoit.

[Joy Crooks]

Badua.

[Ed Gamble]

Badua. Bad hour. Bad, bad hour. A very light sparkle. A very gentle sparkle.

[Joy Crooks]

That's nice.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Joy Crooks]

But is it secretly aggressive? Possibly like a submarine?

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, Submarine water. Yeah, yeah.

[Joy Crooks]

In the esophagus. It does have a submarine in the esophagus feel to it, doesn't it? Sparkling water?

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, it does.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, it does. I think if I realized that I. My palette was good enough that I could tell the difference between sparkling waters. Even though I recognize that that is a talent that not a lot of people have. Yeah, I don't know if I would pursue it. I think it would. It. It would be too boring.

[Joy Crooks]

I think you'd be a performative male if you did that.

[James Acaster]

A performative male?

[Joy Crooks]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

I mean, you're quite a performative. Is there any other type of male?

[Joy Crooks]

Yeah, well, kinda. There's like premier league male, there's champions league male, depending on where your prem is, and then there's performative males. And do you think a prem and champion league male will Have a matchup? Probably not.

[Ed Gamble]

Can you talk us through the Premier League males? And then why is that? Why are they football. Why are they football based? And then why do we go straight?

[Joy Crooks]

I'm just giving you examples of other types.

[Ed Gamble]

Other types of males. Yeah. Can you give us maybe through like celebrities, who's a Premier League male? Who's a champ Champions League male and why.

[Joy Crooks]

Yeah, let me think of a celebrity that's a Premier League male. So they can't be in the top four because they can't be a Champions League male. Well, they could be. They could be Arsenal. I'm Arsenal. Okay, okay, wait, let me think.

[Ed Gamble]

Or what are the qualities a celebrity.

[Joy Crooks]

What kind of celebrity are we talking?

[Ed Gamble]

Well, I don't know because I don't know what the.

[Joy Crooks]

Like a. Okay, so like Ramesh Ranganathan. Yeah, he's definitely Champions. A Champions League and a prem male because he's Arsenal. So we're both now.

[James Acaster]

Right, right, but hold on. But based on personality makes it.

[Joy Crooks]

It's really performative male view to go to the. To the football stuff and not focus on performative males.

[James Acaster]

We don't know who they are.

[Joy Crooks]

Okay, I'll give an example. I'm going to make you a Venn diagram. I'm gonna make you a Venn diagram.

[Ed Gamble]

Okay, let's make it easier.

[Joy Crooks]

When you're at a football match and you're. Let's say a performative male goes to a football match. This is going to be really, really important.

[Ed Gamble]

You've lost me already.

[Joy Crooks]

It's going to have like a Carlsberg. Right? But the performative male is having an Asahi.

[Ed Gamble]

Right? I'm having an Asahi.

[James Acaster]

But isn't performative? Not since you're just doing it for everyone else into.

[Joy Crooks]

Basically, yeah. Like you've got a matcher on your way to the Emirates and at the Emirates you're not just having an Asahi, you're having an Asahi from the self pouring station.

[James Acaster]

Right? Yeah, yeah, but that sounds nice.

[Joy Crooks]

Yeah, no, it does sound nice. But I'm still saying that is a performative male thing to do. And he probably has like a carabiner on and.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh no, the helpful fear holding your keys. That's why carabiners are used for you. I think performers put your keys onto your jeans.

[Joy Crooks]

Yeah, well, I like carabiners, but that's a different story. But we're getting lost here. Okay, reference.

[Ed Gamble]

No, I get it.

[Joy Crooks]

James, I think you're stressed because maybe you suffer from the symptoms of performative male.

[James Acaster]

I'm aware that performative male is being leveled at both of us.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

But I'm trying to figure out what that says about.

[Joy Crooks]

Do you watch Meditations of an Anxious Mind?

[James Acaster]

No.

[Ed Gamble]

No.

[Joy Crooks]

Oh, he's a funny, funny fellow from Dublin called Frankie and he goes around and just makes cultural observations and his Instagram is Meditations of an Anxious Mind and he does a whole sector on, like, performative males. And I think maybe on top of the Bin Laden homework, obviously, MC bin Laden.

[James Acaster]

Yes.

[Joy Crooks]

Homework that you're doing. Maybe you should add that to the list as well.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Same birthday as me, Osama bin Laden.

[Joy Crooks]

No way.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Joy Crooks]

What's that?

[Ed Gamble]

March 10th.

[Joy Crooks]

That's a nice day.

[Ed Gamble]

Me, Osama bin Laden, Drew Barrymore, John Hamm.

[Joy Crooks]

I'm David Cameron and Bella Hadid. So all the best people.

[Ed Gamble]

Pretty good.

[Joy Crooks]

Yeah. All my favorite people actually.

[James Acaster]

Pop Roms or bread. Pop Robs or bread. Joyce works. Pop Roms or bread.

[Ed Gamble]

Joy spilled a coffee.

[Joy Crooks]

I've just spelt the coffee.

[James Acaster]

The best. I finally did it. I made someone spill their drink.

[Joy Crooks]

I thought you were really passionate about Zodiac for a second.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Oh, I am.

[Joy Crooks]

And I would have gone, that's it. That's the most performative male thing you've done today. I think bread or profadoms is potentially one of the most offensive things you could ask me.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Joy Crooks]

Yeah. Okay. So my mom's Bangladeshian, my dad's Irish, so that's like asking me to choose between mum and dad, you know?

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. We should change the question to Mum or Dad.

[James Acaster]

Mum or Dad. I should shout Mum or Dad. At people.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, well, it wouldn't work for everyone.

[Joy Crooks]

No, it wouldn't work for everyone, would it? Some people. Some people would be like, oh, obviously my grandma.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Or neither.

[Joy Crooks]

Or I'm an orphan.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. I'm an orphan.

[Joy Crooks]

Would be.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

But we've got a very strict rule on the podcast. We don't have orphans.

[Joy Crooks]

No orphans.

[James Acaster]

No orphans.

[Joy Crooks]

It's too. It's too traumatic, isn't it? And it's not about trauma bonding, it's about taste bonds.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Joy Crooks]

Right. I love soda bread and I love poppadoms.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Joy Crooks]

I ate poppy Doms last night and almost ordered soda bread this morning, but instead for breakfast, I had a chicken biryani and a protein shake. 10 o' clock this morning.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, a biryani. 10 o' clock this morning. Was this leftover or are you cooking it fresh? Are you cooking it fresh at 10?

[Joy Crooks]

It's never going to be yummy at 10, is it? If you cook it fresh but, like, it's nice from the night before.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah. So good, mate. Keeps cooking in the fridge.

[Joy Crooks]

I think I agree with you.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Joy Crooks]

Yeah. It just. Yeah, it ruminates.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, it ruminates. It marinates.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Joy Crooks]

Ruminates and marinates. Yeah. That would be the name if I ever had a restaurant. Ruminate, marinate, Ruminates and marinates. No, I think it'd just be called Housewife. I want everything to be called Housewife. Why don't they just like the word?

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Joy Crooks]

So what are you doing tonight? House of Life.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Joy Crooks]

Just sounds right. Yeah. I can't really choose between the two. Sorry.

[James Acaster]

Have both.

[Joy Crooks]

Yeah, yeah.

[James Acaster]

Both of. Yeah, I think it's a reasonable. Like some people might try and hack the system and say both, but your one is quite a personal reason.

[Joy Crooks]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

It's your parents.

[Joy Crooks]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

You know, this is not going to.

[Ed Gamble]

Look good on us.

[Joy Crooks]

Yeah. You don't want to look canceled. Just basically, you don't want to get canceled. You don't want.

[James Acaster]

That's not real, is it? Well, no, I'm not afraid of getting canceled.

[Joy Crooks]

Yeah. Because it only lasts for 20 minutes anyway.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, it's not real. Stop moaning. Jimmy Carr. You're not cancelled, mate.

[Joy Crooks]

He wants Jimmy Carr again.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, exactly. But you wouldn't know because he's cancelled. That's why you don't. That's why you don't know.

[Joy Crooks]

The one with the suits.

[James Acaster]

Yes, he did the.

[Joy Crooks]

Don't Laugh. Don't Laugh At All.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, he hosts Don't Laugh At All.

[Ed Gamble]

That show is huge. Don't Laugh At All.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, he hosts Don't Laugh At All.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[Joy Crooks]

And Richard.

[James Acaster]

But yes, I'd love if it was.

[Ed Gamble]

Called Don't Laugh At All.

[Joy Crooks]

Don't Laugh.

[James Acaster]

Don't Laugh At All.

[Joy Crooks]

Did you try play it while it was. When I was on telly? No, I tried to not laugh.

[Ed Gamble]

No. I play Guess the Fee when I watch that show.

[Joy Crooks]

Oh, yeah, that's a good one. Because everyone will have different ones, you know, they're all.

[Ed Gamble]

It's a sliding scale on Don't Laugh At All.

[Joy Crooks]

I think we might have entered the dread time of comedy.

[Ed Gamble]

The dread time.

[Joy Crooks]

Dread time of comedy. Yeah.

[James Acaster]

What do you mean?

[Joy Crooks]

I mean, like, you guys obviously bitch like anyone else about your industries. Like, obviously. I love a good music bitch. We were having a little music bitch out there a second ago. Can't repeat what was said, obviously. But it's like when I listened to the Bob episode that you guys did and he talked about going for dinners to basically bitch about the industry.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, I think about that a lot.

[Joy Crooks]

Yeah, I Really? I didn't know that I'd enter that for 10 seconds whilst sitting here with you guys.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, well done.

[Joy Crooks]

Guess the fee is bitchy.

[Ed Gamble]

Guess the fee is bitchy. Yeah. It's fun as well, though.

[Joy Crooks]

You know, I can guess the fee for Richard because he lives near me and I always look at his house and I go, television money. Television money.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Joy Crooks]

But also the Lycra he wears to the gym is like, that's buttery soft.

[James Acaster]

Oh, is it?

[Joy Crooks]

Yeah. That's not cheap shit. I'd take that for free.

[Ed Gamble]

I cannot imagine Richard. I Whitey and Lycra.

[Joy Crooks]

I can.

[Ed Gamble]

Well, you don't need to.

[Joy Crooks]

I couldn't make eye contact. You can't look at a man in Lycra.

[James Acaster]

No.

[Joy Crooks]

I don't know how people do fiber sides when that happens.

[Ed Gamble]

Surely eye contact is what you want with the Lycra. So you're. Because there's no Lycra on the eyes. It's the one bit that you can look at.

[Joy Crooks]

Yeah, but you always accidentally look at people's when they're in Lycra.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, sure.

[Joy Crooks]

That's why you're meant to wear shorts over it.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Joy Crooks]

You know when men just wear leggings.

[Ed Gamble]

That's crazy.

[Joy Crooks]

No shorts. I knew it's a violation.

[James Acaster]

Let's get into your menu proper now. Your dream starter.

[Joy Crooks]

This was a difficult one for me. So I really like ham on Iberico, but I also really like sausage butties, so I thought for a starter I would have a sausage butty and ham on Americo. Moment.

[Ed Gamble]

Talk us through the moment. How's it. How's it presenting itself as a moment?

[Joy Crooks]

Well, how many Barrico is extremely expensive these days, and since we're living in the throes of late stage capitalism and the economy is just burning all around us and we're all struggling and the world is becoming a dark, dark fascist place.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Yes.

[Joy Crooks]

Hamna Barrack is not the easiest thing to have financially, so we do have to take that into account into our.

[Ed Gamble]

In your dream restaurant. In your dream restaurant. So in your dream restaurant, we're in late stage capitalism?

[Joy Crooks]

No, no, no. In my dream restaurant it's 2002.

[Ed Gamble]

Okay. So that's fine.

[Joy Crooks]

Oh, why, why specifically pre 2008 in it?

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[Joy Crooks]

Maybe the 90s actually, leather was better then.

[Ed Gamble]

So.

[Joy Crooks]

No. Early 2000s had good cleavage, though. We want some, like, cleavage in the restaurant.

[Ed Gamble]

So we want 90s leather.

[Joy Crooks]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Early 2000s cleavage.

[Joy Crooks]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

And, well, ham on. And bear co. Prices from then, right?

[Joy Crooks]

Yeah, definitely.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Joy Crooks]

It's, like, more expensive than gold, you know, it's kind of crazy, but. Yeah. So, like, ham and bear coat and a sausage body, but specifically Richmond sausage.

[James Acaster]

Oh, wow, Lovely.

[Joy Crooks]

We don't do, like. We don't. We don't do the posh stuff at all.

[Ed Gamble]

She won.

[Joy Crooks]

We don't do oregano and the sausage and Cumberland schmumberland.

[James Acaster]

Oh, yeah, I do.

[Ed Gamble]

I do the oregano and the Cumberland.

[James Acaster]

Performative male.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. Is that performative?

[James Acaster]

Yeah, big time.

[Joy Crooks]

Agreed. And you also just admitted that sometimes you might leave the house just with the leggings on by accident.

[Ed Gamble]

Joy, I don't want. I'm. I'm putting the shorts on. I don't want everyone seeing my Richmond.

[Joy Crooks]

Seeing my Richmond.

[James Acaster]

Richmond.

[Joy Crooks]

Seeing my Richmond is something I didn't think I'd hear today.

[James Acaster]

I knew it was like Rich Mountain.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah. So you want, like, a. Like a sausage butty that you get in, like, a calf? Like the Richmond sausages and white bread in there?

[Joy Crooks]

No, no, you can't do that.

[James Acaster]

I want that.

[Joy Crooks]

But you can choose because it's obviously how you want to eat it.

[James Acaster]

You describe it, it makes me just want to, like, get a handful of the iberic, put it in there with the Richmond sausages.

[Joy Crooks]

Iberico is always with some really hard bread that could have potentially cost a lot of money at the dentist if eaten incorrectly, which has happened to me before. But with soft bread, Iberico actually might be amazing with, like, a good. What's, like a. What's the name of the bread that is just white? Like King's Mill?

[Ed Gamble]

Mighty White.

[Joy Crooks]

No, I think that's like a. I think that might be a neo Nazi thing. Sorry, that's it.

[Ed Gamble]

There is a bread called Mighty White, but I'm interested to know if it's.

[Joy Crooks]

Still going because I don't support reform.

[Ed Gamble]

It does sound like something written on a St. George's cross.

[Joy Crooks]

Yeah. No, actually a Georgian. A Georgian cross.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Joy Crooks]

Because they don't even know which one. Which one's which. Yeah, that would. Yeah, that'll chest.

[Ed Gamble]

As soon as I said Mighty White and I saw the look on your face, I was like, I know where this is going.

[James Acaster]

You knew?

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Joy Crooks]

I was like, oh, right wing.

[Ed Gamble]

I've got him.

[Joy Crooks]

So, yeah, I think that I just. Look, I'll be honest with you. I've earned enough to eat small plates and I'm never full. And it's not actually the food that makes me happy. Like, my. My best food discovery recently was These biscuits called Dove Farm. And it looks posh, but actually. Actually it's just a digestive that feels like before Jamie Oliver ruined everything.

[James Acaster]

Okay.

[Joy Crooks]

With Sugar Tax.

[James Acaster]

Here we go. This is. This is the proper. We've touched on ways that the UK are divided, and I think one of the main ways is people who think what Jamie Oliver did is appalling.

[Joy Crooks]

Well, you think Jack Rice is not appalling.

[Ed Gamble]

All of that stuff, fine. But the.

[Joy Crooks]

He's not.

[Ed Gamble]

Kids eating it was good.

[Joy Crooks]

I think that's what you're meant to do when you're a kid. So you're meant to visit in school.

[Ed Gamble]

Where one of the kids was so ill, they were out their mouths.

[Joy Crooks]

Your teeth fall out for a reason.

[Ed Gamble]

You want kids to out their mouths. Joy.

[Joy Crooks]

I out my mouth every day that comes out. Mine still survive. What were we talking about? Oh, yeah, Sugar tax.

[Ed Gamble]

So it's like sweet digestives.

[Joy Crooks]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Dove Farm.

[Joy Crooks]

Yeah. Just something else. Like you take a bite and you're transported to. Well, at least for me, what I would have been was born in 98. So what age would I have been in nursery? Like, how old are you in nursery? 3. You sound like you have kids.

[Ed Gamble]

No, I don't. I'm just tired.

[Joy Crooks]

You just care.

[Ed Gamble]

Just generally tired. Oh, yeah. I just don't want. I don't have kids. I just don't want other kids to shit out of their mouths.

[Joy Crooks]

Right. Yeah.

[James Acaster]

So. So the thing that tipped you off that Ed might have kids is because he thought it was good to make sure kids get a healthy diet.

[Joy Crooks]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

And he must have kids. Yeah. Yeah.

[Joy Crooks]

You're better than all of us. We know. So. Yeah. Like, any food that transports me to when I was a kid in a good way.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Joy Crooks]

Just makes me feel really happy. I know that's a basic thing to say.

[James Acaster]

No, it was great.

[Joy Crooks]

Like, bodies. I used to have bodies before I did Irish dancing competitions.

[James Acaster]

How did that affect the dancing?

[Joy Crooks]

Yeah, I think that's where I. I think is potentially how I got ibs.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Irish bowel syndrome.

[Joy Crooks]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Irish butty syndrome. Sorry.

[Ed Gamble]

I was so close.

[James Acaster]

So close.

[Joy Crooks]

Just as good as each other.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Joy Crooks]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Irish party syndrome is better than Irish bowel syndrome.

[Joy Crooks]

Irish body syndrome is a real problem for me.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

So you think that was having the. The butty before the dance competition?

[Joy Crooks]

It was just the thing that my dad was like, you just have to do that.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Oh, so he's encouraged.

[Joy Crooks]

Yeah, it was encouraged. He was like, look, you're really nervous, and what will get rid of the nerves is some Richmond sausages with some white bread and Kerrygold. I know that you've got your little thing with our anchor, but I just. I have a love for Carrie. God.

[James Acaster]

As you should. It's a big thing on the podcast. When we've had Irish guests on, they often shout out Kerrygold at some point during the episode.

[Joy Crooks]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

So I'm glad you've done it as well.

[Joy Crooks]

Thanks.

[James Acaster]

I think that sounds delicious. On the way here, I saw an advert for Iberico, which I haven't. I didn't know that it was like a brand all by itself. It just said Iberico.

[Joy Crooks]

And there was a guy, Jose Martinez.

[James Acaster]

There's a guy holding up a bit of a berrico like that to the camera. It was.

[Joy Crooks]

Was it Pep Guardiola?

[James Acaster]

Maybe. Maybe it was Pep. Yeah.

[Joy Crooks]

Things have gone downhill, so I have to start selling the umbrecos. I've been shifting ham.

[James Acaster]

Pep looks like I know enough about football to know that he is a manager, maybe of Man City.

[Joy Crooks]

Yeah. And he used to be a model.

[James Acaster]

Okay, I didn't know that.

[Joy Crooks]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

And now he's a hand model.

[Joy Crooks]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Potentially.

[Joy Crooks]

He sells ham.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Joy Crooks]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

I'd love to be a model.

[James Acaster]

I'd love to be a hand model.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Joy Crooks]

Hand or ham?

[Ed Gamble]

Both, I think. I guess. You've got to hold the ham.

[Joy Crooks]

What kind of ham, though? You obviously know what ham I would have.

[Ed Gamble]

But I'm a big Iberico guy as well.

[Joy Crooks]

Okay.

[Ed Gamble]

I absolutely love a barricade. And there is. There's a place right down there on the corner. The Jose place is.

[Joy Crooks]

Right.

[Ed Gamble]

Really good stuff.

[Joy Crooks]

That means that they're fed with acorns. Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

And you can taste it as well.

[Joy Crooks]

Yeah, yeah, you can.

[Ed Gamble]

They're not. It's a nutty flavor, isn't it?

[Joy Crooks]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

What are you putting in the sandwich? So you've got the Kerry Gold sauce, Richmond.

[Joy Crooks]

Well, if you're gonna be flavorful, like ketchup and a little bit of sriracha. Or just ketchup.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Your main course course.

[Joy Crooks]

I had a really, like. This was a nightmare for me because I was stuck between the two. So I'm kind of like, you have to let me get away with this. Okay. All right. So the main course inside dish, I kind of have to work together because that's the only way we're going to let this happen. But basically, the first thing I thought of when you. When I heard main course was spaghetti bolognese. I'm just going to be honest. I know I'm going to Get a lot of for that. I know. It's like having. It's like a Velcro moment, you know, it makes you feel uncomfortable, but we all know the feeling, you know, and that's what spaghetti Bolognese is for me.

[Ed Gamble]

Are we gonna ask questions?

[James Acaster]

Well, I don't know, because when Joy says stuff like this, we have questions, but when we ask them, I feel like.

[Joy Crooks]

I know what you're gonna say.

[James Acaster]

I feel like we're seen as silly.

[Ed Gamble]

For not understanding idiots for not understanding Velcro moment.

[James Acaster]

I like. I mean, there's a lot of things along the way that I'm just like, I don't think you'll get any shit for saying spaghetti Bolognese. Pretty much everyone loves spaghetti Bolognese. But then, like, Italians, it makes you feel uncomfortable. It's like a Velcro moment. And I don't know what that means about spaghetti Bolognese at all, because, like.

[Joy Crooks]

Okay, it just made sense in my brain, but Basically, I turned 27 recently, and I asked for a Freitag bag because they're, like, really durable and, like, you could literally, like, you know, be in the worst weather ever, and it would be fine. They won't get damaged. And I really like practical things. It might be a potential gain thing. I don't know. But being 27 and having Velcro is really okay. It's really humbling because we've all been there, right? We've all had Velcro shoes or, like, Velcro something, because there was a time we couldn't tie things up. So there's something really warming and, like, nice about it and. And nostalgic. But at the same time, I just feel like a wall ad on the tube when I'm trying to get my lip liner out. And there's just, you know, 27 trying to, like, maybe do some dodgy eye contact with someone on the tube. And then the next thing you know, the Velcro happens. And although it's. It's a familiar feeling, it's nonetheless an embarrassing one. And that's how I feel about spaghetti bolognaise.

[Ed Gamble]

That's absolutely perfect. I completely understand now, James.

[Joy Crooks]

No, come on, James.

[Ed Gamble]

Come on, James. It's nostalgic. It. It makes you feel good.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

But from the outside perspective.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

It's quite sort of remedial and childish.

[Joy Crooks]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[Joy Crooks]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[James Acaster]

Okay.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[James Acaster]

Okay.

[Ed Gamble]

It's not often.

[James Acaster]

Normally, it has to.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes. This is what I was about to say. Normally, I have to translate what James has said to the guest. This is the first Time I've had to do it the other way around.

[Joy Crooks]

Cool.

[Ed Gamble]

But it's nice to know I can always be the middleman in every situation.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Modern man. I feel good.

[Ed Gamble]

I understand both of you.

[Joy Crooks]

You're smashing it.

[Ed Gamble]

Thank you.

[James Acaster]

Okay, got you.

[Ed Gamble]

Do you?

[James Acaster]

I think so, yes. The confusing thing about the Velcro thing was the fact that you're 20 was using the 27 things. I was like, that's so young. But I felt like you were using it. Like, 27 was not.

[Ed Gamble]

But it's not. It's old for Velcro.

[Joy Crooks]

It's old for Velcro. Yeah. Okay.

[James Acaster]

Yes.

[Joy Crooks]

I'm not gonna sit here and play my tiny violin I left at home. I did buy one.

[Ed Gamble]

A tiny violin?

[Joy Crooks]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

How small are we talking?

[Joy Crooks]

It's this big.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Joy Crooks]

So, like, what's that? Like, small?

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, small.

[Joy Crooks]

And then it comes with a bow and it has this little button on it because it's battery powered. And if.

[Ed Gamble]

And then use it. And unplugged.

[Joy Crooks]

Yeah. You can literally press down on the bottom bit, but that's where the bow would go. And it plays a tiny little sad tune.

[Ed Gamble]

That's good.

[James Acaster]

Is it? Sometimes when you're recording music and you have like. Like novel things like that around, because they're so novel, do you really hope it'll work on the song? Is it really gutting if you do record them? You sit back and go, that's not it.

[Joy Crooks]

You can't make it work, though, because you can manipulate it, can't you?

[James Acaster]

Okay.

[Joy Crooks]

Like, you can change the pitch and make it work, but I just like it because my mates just all my boyfriend, who start gabbing on about something, I just get the tiny violin out.

[James Acaster]

And just press it down like that.

[Joy Crooks]

Yeah, yeah. And he wonders how he's ever going to spoon me again.

[Ed Gamble]

That's what he's wondering. Is it?

[Joy Crooks]

I think so.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah.

[James Acaster]

It's the spaghetti bolognese. Homemade.

[Joy Crooks]

Yeah. It has to be. It could be made by, like, a nonna, but, like, I feel like a nonna would be just cussing me out. And I just don't want to be cussed by an auntie. And I think if we're having this dream restaurant, I don't think genies are going to allow any kind of.

[Ed Gamble]

Of cussing.

[Joy Crooks]

We're just like, angry. Like, angry auntie energy. I could deal with like a funny auntie.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Joy Crooks]

You know, one that kind of smokes in the kitchen type of thing.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. That's cool.

[Joy Crooks]

That's cool.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Joy Crooks]

So I think an auntie that smokes in the kitchen is cooking and it's kind of a little bit fit in like a way where you're. Like when you're in your 20s, you're a big problem.

[Ed Gamble]

You can see the history in the eyes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Still a little sparkle.

[Joy Crooks]

Yeah. I have an Italian name I came up with. Yeah. I have like an Italian alter ego. My Italian name is John Cena.

[James Acaster]

John Cena.

[Joy Crooks]

You're not pronouncing it right.

[James Acaster]

Sorry.

[Ed Gamble]

Your Italian name is John Cena?

[Joy Crooks]

Yeah, yeah.

[James Acaster]

And is that where you got it from by accident?

[Joy Crooks]

Yeah, I said it out loud and then my boyfriend said the exact same thing. He said John Cena.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Joy Crooks]

I was like, oh, well, that's it.

[Ed Gamble]

You get to see me.

[Joy Crooks]

So there's aunt in the kitchen that smokes frags and is a little bit fit. Her name is John Cena.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Okay.

[Ed Gamble]

And is it. If you look closely, is it clearly John Cena wearing a. Wearing a wig?

[Joy Crooks]

Yes.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yes, it is.

[James Acaster]

Good on him.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah. Good for him.

[Joy Crooks]

So that's what we'll have for mains. Oh, and you get. We actually have a refill station, but it's just for Parmesan.

[James Acaster]

Okay. You like a lot of Parmesan on there and you want to keep refreshing it as you're going along.

[Joy Crooks]

So I don't like when everyone puts it all at the top. What I think you need to have is the little tub and then layer that layer. Go in for the next layer.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, great.

[Joy Crooks]

That's how I do it.

[Ed Gamble]

When you say refill station, I'm imagining like a drinks.

[Joy Crooks]

Yeah, exactly. That it's just like dandruffy.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah.

[Joy Crooks]

Also, the Parmesan isn't going to be like them weird shaved ones. It's going to be like, like that needs head and shoulders type of Parmesan. Yeah, like really, really psoriasisy, but proper Parmesan.

[Ed Gamble]

Like just grated heavily.

[Joy Crooks]

Yeah. Just graded.

[Ed Gamble]

Not like Parmesan.

[Joy Crooks]

No, no, no, it's not. It's like, whatever. What's the posh one called? Like Grim Parmesan.

[Ed Gamble]

Grana Padano.

[Joy Crooks]

That's the cheat one, actually. I didn't realize. I always thought I was doing a solid by buying that. So. Fucking Parmesan. It's B Tech Parmesan.

[Ed Gamble]

What's the posh Parmesan called?

[James Acaster]

Bonito Hulko Hogano.

[Ed Gamble]

It's called that Stony or cold. Yeah, I put Parmigiano. Reggiano, surely.

[Joy Crooks]

Parmigiano. Reggiano, yeah. Sounds made up, doesn't it?

[Ed Gamble]

It does sound made up, but I always sing it in my head.

[Joy Crooks]

But it's like a big one. Like one of them big wheels. That's like the color, the right color.

[Ed Gamble]

Have you ever seen him crack the wheel?

[Joy Crooks]

Excuse me?

[Ed Gamble]

Have you ever seen him crack the wheel?

[Joy Crooks]

I've never seen anyone crack the wheel.

[Ed Gamble]

A fresh whale completely covered, and then they have to put in, like, spikes at the side and then they, like tap the spikes in and then you hear a crack.

[Joy Crooks]

Oh, it's that hard?

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, it's like a loud crack and the whole thing lifts off.

[Joy Crooks]

That's really interesting. I never heard of that. I will watch that on.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, it's good. It's satisfying. I've seen it happen live and it's a wonderful experience.

[Joy Crooks]

I wonder if there's like an omen for that.

[Ed Gamble]

An omen?

[Joy Crooks]

Like if you crack a. You know, like, we should come up with a proverb, like an Italian one. Like.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

[Joy Crooks]

You never really know him. Till he cracks a wheel.

[Ed Gamble]

Until he cracks a wheel. Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, that works. That's a good one.

[Joy Crooks]

Thanks. Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Joy Crooks]

Which one would you do?

[James Acaster]

I'm not sure. I could. I could improve on that. Joy. Okay. I mean.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, you smashed it. You got it first time, I think.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Sometimes you've got to admit you just get it first time. Nothing but net. I think nothing but net is. That's my one. I've come up with that.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah.

[Joy Crooks]

Nothing but nets.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, that's me. I. I made that one.

[Joy Crooks]

Net worth or like.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah. Nothing but net worth. That's about Richard Iwadi and his buttery smooth life. His buttery smooth life.

[Ed Gamble]

Today's episode of the Off Menu podcast is brought to you by Real California Milk.

[James Acaster]

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[Ed Gamble]

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[Ed Gamble]

Did I talk too much? Can't I just let it go?

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[Joy Crooks]

I.

[James Acaster]

Had the time of my life. Hey, I never felt this way before.

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[James Acaster]

Use on Monday.com hey, Ryan Reynolds here for Mint Mobile. Now I don't know if you've heard, but Mint's Premium Wireless is $15 a month, right? But I'd like to offer one other perk.

[Ed Gamble]

We have no stores.

[James Acaster]

That means no small talk.

[Ed Gamble]

Crazy weather we're having.

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[James Acaster]

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[Joy Crooks]

See mintmobile.com side dish so this was actually really difficult because this was what I was battling with with Maine. But because this is my restaurant, I could do whatever the fuck I want on my menu. I could do what I want. So my favorite Bangladeshi food in the world is called bordar, which is like pastes made of anything of your liking. But every paste is dedicated to a, like, main ingredient. So you can have like a prawn borda, you can have an okra, you can have like classic ones like a lentil or a potato borda. But every single. The rules of both is it's made with garlic, onion, sometimes not garlic, because sometimes it is just all freshly ground ingredients. And there's always mustard oil in it. So it has like a really strong, like, petroly taste. And the usual thing that people do is you either roll it up into a ball and have all these different colors in front of you and you just pick at them and eat them. White rice or some of them are a bit more like. My mom makes a tomato one. So it's quite runny, but it's like. It's literally like almost like salsas, but all these things made of really intense flavors or you bring out the most intensity of a flavor. So I love prawn, but it isn't like the strongest flavor ever. But when you add like mustard oil and onion and all these things, it's just like exploding the flavor and you eat it with your hands. So you have to like, take it and like, like cramp it into a kind of ball with. With white rice. And it's just like the best thing ever, I think. So that would be the side.

[Ed Gamble]

So they're things to go alongside specific ingredients rather than having the ingredients in them. So the prawn one doesn't have prawn in it. You would just have.

[Joy Crooks]

No, it has prawn in it.

[Ed Gamble]

Okay. Yeah.

[Joy Crooks]

And it's interesting because you can make it in loads of different ways. But my mum, like, usually boils the prawn.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Joy Crooks]

And you get really good prawns because once you boil them, strangely they have like so much more flavor. And then you. You kind of like really finely chop it or you ground it.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. Nice.

[James Acaster]

And you want. You want a homemade one of these as well.

[Joy Crooks]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[James Acaster]

But not by John Cena.

[Ed Gamble]

No, Johnson. John Cena does not know how to do this.

[Joy Crooks]

No. It would probably be my mum, to be honest, but like my mom, on a good day.

[Ed Gamble]

What'S gonna happen on a bad day?

[Joy Crooks]

I just feel like. I feel like someone. So there is someone that wrote a book about this, but when people cook, when they're mad, you can taste it.

[Ed Gamble]

I think that's interesting.

[Joy Crooks]

Yeah, I really can taste it. My mom's a chef, but, like, basically it's really Complicated to explain. My mom's chef because she's not gone to culinary school. But my mom's like one of those weird people that is like pitch perfect in food, so she can taste food and completely make the same thing for any cuisine.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Wow.

[Joy Crooks]

It's really weird. And she's cooked since. I think she's way too young. Like, I think she might have been cooking for a family when she's like 7 or something. And her dad died really young, so she had three brothers that were all useless that she cooked for. And she was the youngest. So her cooking is just. Just like. People come from Bangladesh to my mum's house in West London to eat her Bangladeshi food because she makes it better than most people in Bangladesh.

[Ed Gamble]

But they have to call ahead and check to see if she's in a good mood or not.

[Joy Crooks]

I don't know if they check that, but she's like, they're so happy to see her and she's so happy to see them. It's fine. But obviously daughter mom relationship is a bit different.

[James Acaster]

Sure, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

So what's the difference in taste, would you say?

[Joy Crooks]

Don't know. It just doesn't slap the same way.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah.

[Joy Crooks]

Like there's just like. Or actually one time we got in an argument when I was young and she said, oh, do you want a carbonara? And I was like, yeah, yeah, I'd love one, actually. And then she cut up Naga chili and put it all over the carbonara.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, you can tell that one.

[James Acaster]

She was in a bad mood.

[Joy Crooks]

Like. Also, the whole thing is like, with carbonara, you won't. You won't expect that it's spicy. So, yeah, it's the not knowing. If it was a curry, I'd be like, oh, no, this one's going to be spicy. But it's the fact it was a carbonara, you know, the blood, that's like daylight robbery, you know, and then that's like the Lou just happening on a plate.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Joy Crooks]

And she's gone and. And put the fucking Naga all over it. And then I've started crying. Then I got a pint of milk and drank it and then I threw up everywhere. Because I don't know if you've ever dabbled in Naga chilli, but it's not a joke.

[Ed Gamble]

I've dabbled, I've dabbled.

[James Acaster]

I've not had as much as it sounds like was on that unexpectedly as well.

[Joy Crooks]

Yeah, because you just cut in small bits. If you bite into even the smallest amount, you're finished. That's you finito for about two days. Forget it. Forget everything. Every hole broken.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, every hole broken. See, if that was a song title, it'd sound poetic.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah.

[James Acaster]

But it's not.

[Joy Crooks]

Every hole broken.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Every hole.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Joy Crooks]

Your ears. Your ears would be broken too, because your sinuses are after. You have that much. Yeah, like just everything. Like your equestrian tubes or whatever they're called. Equestrian or whatever.

[Ed Gamble]

Equestrian shapes. Stick it in the book, if you're listening. Stick it in the book.

[Joy Crooks]

That's what all my mates did. They text him, like she said.

[James Acaster]

Another fucking galloping question. Well, I mean, this episode's gonna be a fucking field, Dave. It's gonna be a whole new book. It's just for this.

[Joy Crooks]

What are these not called you're ubiquitous tubes?

[James Acaster]

I've got no idea.

[Joy Crooks]

You know the tubes here, the tubes behind your ears?

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know where they're going.

[Joy Crooks]

There's a tube name.

[Ed Gamble]

There's a tube name. And it's really nice that you're trying to guess the tube name, but I don't think we're gonna get there.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

There.

[Ed Gamble]

Equestrian or ubiqui, I think are the guesses so far. If you eat the Naga, even your ear holes are fucked.

[Joy Crooks]

Oh, yeah. It's game over.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Your dream drink.

[Joy Crooks]

Well, I think during a meal, like a vodka Diet Coke and then after an Old Fashioned.

[James Acaster]

Okay, lovely. So why vodka Diet Coke for during the meal?

[Joy Crooks]

Because you need a fizzy drink.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, yeah, you need a fizzy drink.

[Joy Crooks]

Yeah, like, you know when you're thirsty and you could go for water, but you're gonna go for the Coke Zero in your fridge.

[Ed Gamble]

Absolutely.

[Joy Crooks]

Or Pepsi Max. Actually. Forget. Forget Coke. We don't drink Coke.

[James Acaster]

No Pepsi Max anymore.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, Pepsi Max at the moment as well. Like, I get to the end of the day, I'm like, every time I was thirsty I reached for a fizzy drink and I've not had one bit of clear liquid today.

[Joy Crooks]

I think that's why they've started doing the whole, like mixing sparkling water with peach.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Joy Crooks]

Because then it makes you feel like you're having a fizzy drink. But I'm not gonna fall for that stuff. Stuff. Hand me the vodka Diet Coke. Yeah, and the vodka's just, you know, like, so you can continue good chit chat on the dinner table. Because I tend to dissociate on dinner tables.

[James Acaster]

How come? Too much going on.

[Joy Crooks]

Food is so good. I like to go quiet for food. Then I feel a bit slumped. My dad always taught me, if you're ever going to sack someone. Eat a massive meal beforehand.

[James Acaster]

When you're sacking someone.

[Joy Crooks]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Well, you're eating the massive meal before you sack them.

[Joy Crooks]

Yeah. Because it's like being high but without any of the actual drugs.

[James Acaster]

But why.

[Ed Gamble]

Why is it when you're sacking someone that you want to be in that state?

[Joy Crooks]

Because then it's so stressful to do it. Then by the time you're just eating a load of food, you're just like.

[James Acaster]

Look, right, what about them?

[Joy Crooks]

And I'm breaking up with someone, too. It's good. Any difficult conversation, it's good to have a big meal before.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Joy Crooks]

My dad always said I'd be quite.

[James Acaster]

I'd be quite insulted if, like, someone was breaking up me or firing me and they were all bloated and, like.

[Ed Gamble]

Burping out their nose.

[Joy Crooks]

But how would you know? Crapping out the nose? Fine, you would know. But you wouldn't know about the bloating. They could be wearing a big jumper.

[James Acaster]

If they were acting, like, lethargic and just like, okay, listen, I won't say this for a while, but it's not working out, which is what I dissect. What the hell?

[Ed Gamble]

They've still got a napkin tucked in.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Dabbing the corners of their mouth. Anyway, I wish you all the best.

[Joy Crooks]

Just a small, tiny little fart.

[James Acaster]

There's a tiny one.

[Joy Crooks]

And it's the type of fart where you could look down at the furniture on and be like, God, this is noisy. Yeah, Blame it on the furniture part.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah, one of those. I mean, I. I think actually that. That I would. If I was getting broken up with, if I was getting dumped, I would like it if during the dumping they were. They audibly farted. Because that would make me feel like, you know what? Let's get out of here.

[Joy Crooks]

But what if farting was the idiosyncrasy that you fell in love with?

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Oh, that's a big wife. That's a huge wife.

[Ed Gamble]

I mean, do you have a problem with farting then?

[James Acaster]

No, but, like, I think it would. I think in the breakup. Yeah. It would make me feel better about being broken up with. Because it would remind you sometimes everybody queefs. Sometimes everybody queef. Sometimes. I mean, a queef is different to. But like, yeah, some people. I'm aware.

[Ed Gamble]

So everybody doesn't queef. Those who have the equipment. Queef.

[Joy Crooks]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

I think it would make me. But it would remind me that, you know what? Nobody's perfect. Because when you're getting broken up with, I think it's very easy to think, what am I going to do without this person? They're so amazing. And now I'm getting dumped. And I'm the one getting dumped, so I'm clearly the one who's all. I've got, all the. The faults. But then when someone farts, it's not like that makes them a bad person, but it reminds me, you know, they're just a human being.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Joy Crooks]

Yeah. And you can't worship anyone.

[James Acaster]

You can't worship anyone.

[Joy Crooks]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

I don't think the farts would stop me worshiping someone.

[Joy Crooks]

No. I think it would make me probably fancy them a bit more interesting.

[Ed Gamble]

My wife farts. You know, I'll put it out there. She's got.

[James Acaster]

Wow.

[Ed Gamble]

She's got Irish butty syndrome.

[James Acaster]

That's an exclusive.

[Joy Crooks]

Oh, yeah. But I'm sure they all smell like flowers or like the labo.

[Ed Gamble]

No, they smell awful. Joy.

[Joy Crooks]

What? They're not diptyque farts.

[Ed Gamble]

They're not diptyque farts?

[James Acaster]

No.

[Joy Crooks]

That's a shame. That's a Russian.

[Ed Gamble]

It's mud, like the labo. We'd be in an awkward situation where I'd be like, I'm going out, come over here and fart on my neck.

[Joy Crooks]

That's called a kink.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Joy Crooks]

I think I. If I had to have any fart smell that I wanted. In fact, that looks a bit like a fart, that table.

[Ed Gamble]

Just an FYI smell table.

[James Acaster]

Beano Guff.

[Joy Crooks]

It does look very beano, doesn't it?

[James Acaster]

Yeah. From a beano.

[Joy Crooks]

I think my farts would smell like maybe like heckles. Like, you know, like a Margate Sea moss kind of vibe. Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Formerly known as Heckles. They're not known as Heckles. Heckles anymore.

[Joy Crooks]

Sorry, what is it?

[James Acaster]

What's that?

[Ed Gamble]

It's a skincare brand.

[James Acaster]

Okay.

[Ed Gamble]

I'd used all my heckle stuff today.

[James Acaster]

I couldn't use Heckles. Why not? Comedian Medium man.

[Joy Crooks]

That was very funny.

[James Acaster]

Thank you.

[Ed Gamble]

You wouldn't last long on Don't Laugh. Don't Laugh.

[Joy Crooks]

My name is Joy. I should never be on that show. That would be terrible.

[James Acaster]

I want to be also Crooks. Maybe you'd steal the show.

[Joy Crooks]

I want to be on Traitors, though. For that reason, I want to be.

[James Acaster]

On the next Traitors as well. Should we go on it together?

[Joy Crooks]

Yeah. Can we say, look, two for the price of one.

[Ed Gamble]

I'm not interviewing either of you afterwards.

[Joy Crooks]

Why?

[Ed Gamble]

No way.

[James Acaster]

Why not?

[Ed Gamble]

Because you both. You both take conversations off in two weird directions.

[James Acaster]

Well, we're gonna win.

[Joy Crooks]

That's all that's what life is about, though.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, it's true.

[James Acaster]

I think we would be chosen as the traitors.

[Joy Crooks]

I think we'd be so good as traitors.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Joy Crooks]

I think I'd like semi bully you so we look like we weren't on the same page when actually we're ho me's in those cloaks.

[James Acaster]

Who would our third one be? Dream celebrity to make up the traitors. You? Me?

[Joy Crooks]

Jesus Christ. We could get away with so much.

[Ed Gamble]

If Jesus Christ was on the traitors, he'd be voted out straight away. He'd be banished immediately.

[Joy Crooks]

He'd be like, look, he's all about this, like, yeah, higher spirit kind of thing. I don't know, I'm not buying it. I think it's a bit performative, actually.

[Ed Gamble]

He's a performative man.

[Joy Crooks]

He's a performative male. And also, why is your hair that long?

[Ed Gamble]

What are you hiding?

[Joy Crooks]

You look like you're on a bush tucker trial. And for that reason, I'm voting Jesus Christ. And he goes up and he goes, I am a faithful.

[Ed Gamble]

No, he's a tr. He's a traitor all day long. Because they'd be going, like, obviously production are going to make Jesus Christ a traitor. It's good telly.

[Joy Crooks]

Yeah. That is good television.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Joy Crooks]

But the BBC would get in trouble for that. And BBC don't like any trouble. No trouble for the BBC.

[James Acaster]

Kind of happens either way, doesn't it? Because they get accused of being too left and too right.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, the comments. Most of the comments would all be, oh, you wouldn't make Muhammad traitor. That's what people would say.

[Joy Crooks]

Yeah, 100%.

[Ed Gamble]

Muhammad's just chilling out on the round table.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, Doing great.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, doing great.

[James Acaster]

That was like Muhammad's leader of the faithfuls.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. We gotta make this happen.

[James Acaster]

We gotta make this.

[Ed Gamble]

It's gonna take a lot to make this happen, but I think we can make it happen.

[Joy Crooks]

With AI, anything is possible.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, that's true.

[James Acaster]

Let's talk about the Old Fashioned quickly before we get onto the dessert because, I mean, obviously a lovely cocktail. Is there anything for you that makes a great Old Fashioned that you look for or you're disappointed?

[Joy Crooks]

Irish whiskey can't be Scottish. I go, no, I need the Irish stuff.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah. Is there a particular brand I could do Jameson's?

[Joy Crooks]

Honestly? Yeah, I'm fine with, like, just. Yeah, good old. Obviously, like, people have like the Japanese thing where they're like, oh, I know about whiskey. And I'm like, it just gets you licked quicker, doesn't It. It's just even more drunk, like, drunky vibes, you know? Yeah, I'm sure it's like, good stuff. And obviously, like, whiskey connoisseurs will have something to say, but are either of you whiskey connoisseurs?

[Ed Gamble]

No, I'd say. But I'd say bourbon in an Old Fashioned, though.

[Joy Crooks]

Is that American?

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Joy Crooks]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Not interested.

[Joy Crooks]

No bourbon. No, I just do Jameson's. Nice ice cube.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. Big. Are we talking big?

[Joy Crooks]

I always test the ice cube because, you know, when they're massive, I like to see how much they've actually poured. So I'll always pull it out on the bar.

[Ed Gamble]

It's mad, isn't it?

[Joy Crooks]

It's big, Karen. Energy from me. But I just pull the ice cube out and I go, you're joking. Or I go, oh, that's nice.

[Ed Gamble]

Because it's all. It's. It's very rarely that much.

[Joy Crooks]

You pull it out a packet of Chris. You know what I mean? It's ridiculous.

[Ed Gamble]

You pull it out and you're like, well, I'm paying like 15 quid for this, literally. So have you ever pulled it out and gone top that up? Before I put that back in, I've.

[Joy Crooks]

Pulled it out and just been like, it's a shame, isn't it?

[Ed Gamble]

How do they respond to that?

[Joy Crooks]

Well, I think, like, I think it's a shame, isn't it? It doesn't sound accusatory. It just sounds like our suffering is shared.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Joy Crooks]

And then they pour it.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Joy Crooks]

Psychologically, that's more the alleyway I would go down rather than what you're doing, you know, because then you're accusing. So then they're going to defend and they'll probably spit in your next one. Whereas, like, they might not top up that one, but then the next one you get, they're like, I've poured in some extra just for you.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Yeah.

[Joy Crooks]

Because I know. I know how it feels.

[Ed Gamble]

That's nice. I think it's easy to spot spit in an old Fashioned, though.

[Joy Crooks]

I reckon you say that.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Joy Crooks]

But you just don't know. They could literally, like. They could put it, like, anywhere. Can put it underneath the ice cube, then it's hidden.

[Ed Gamble]

That's true. Freezing.

[Joy Crooks]

Very put it on the ice cube.

[James Acaster]

So they get the ice cube, turn it upside down, gob on it.

[Joy Crooks]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

And then put it in the drink.

[Joy Crooks]

Literally.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

That's actually the best way to do it.

[Joy Crooks]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

You've thought about this.

[James Acaster]

Or just. You could just bit in the water that you're freezing to make the ice Cubes and have two jars of ice cubes or big tanks of ice cubes. And one, you know, is the gob water that you gobbed in all morning and the other one is the clean water and depends on if you like the customer or not. Not. You give them a spit one or a clean one.

[Joy Crooks]

Yeah, that's cool.

[James Acaster]

And then they're never gonna know. You don't even have to do it while you're at work.

[Joy Crooks]

Lacing ice cubes is a pretty sick idea to be fair.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Joy Crooks]

Not that I'd ever do anything like that.

[Ed Gamble]

My friend found a fingernail in an ice cube once.

[Joy Crooks]

That's disgusting.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, it wasn't. He wasn't happy about it.

[Joy Crooks]

That's. Oh my God. That made like. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.

[Ed Gamble]

Someone's genuine fingernail.

[Joy Crooks]

Oh, that made me feel really weird.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Did I talk too much? Can't I just let it go?

[James Acaster]

I wish I would stop.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

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[Joy Crooks]

Better.

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[James Acaster]

We arrive at your dream dessert Honestly.

[Joy Crooks]

I thought of, like, really, like, you know, doing like, a pick mix type of vibe. Like, obviously free, because picnic mix should be. I mean, at least it is for me. Last time I went to view, you nicked it. Don't be a fed, James.

[Ed Gamble]

I've always say this about you. Don't be a fed, man.

[James Acaster]

I'd love to be a fed.

[Ed Gamble]

You'd love to be a fed?

[James Acaster]

If I got to live my life again, yeah, I'd be a fan.

[Joy Crooks]

I know exactly what type of fed you'd be.

[James Acaster]

Narc or something.

[Joy Crooks]

Yeah, I know exactly what kind of fed you'd be. You have all the, like, you know, the big vest and the hat and the. They're like, oh, I'm the face. Oh, I was. I was wronged. And then you'd be at carnival and just be getting a dirty wine from some girl, and you'd have to do the face. You look like you're not actually enjoying it, but secretly you'd be like, you do like the Thierry on Real Life where he laughs like this. Never seen that.

[James Acaster]

No, but, like, I definitely wouldn't be the kind of Fed who goes and cracks down on carnival.

[Joy Crooks]

No, but then you're not cracking down on carnival. You're just catching.

[James Acaster]

I've got to be there.

[Joy Crooks]

Frequent wines.

[James Acaster]

I meant to be there to keep the peace. Am I?

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, but then you're in. Enjoy. Like, every year, there's a Fed that goes viral.

[Joy Crooks]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Because he's just.

[Joy Crooks]

Someone's dirty dancing on him.

[Ed Gamble]

And then someone will be like, see, the police are all right, aren't they? Like, no, that's what they want you to think.

[James Acaster]

That's why they said you'd be that performative Fed. Yeah. Oh, no.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

I'm worried about that. I. I, like. I prefer to be. I think I was thinking about the Feds in, like, American films and stuff, where they turn up and go, this is our crime scene now.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

You know, I like, they.

[Ed Gamble]

It's because Fed's an American.

[Joy Crooks]

Hand it over.

[James Acaster]

I would love that. That. Well, the ones who turn up and, like, the cops hate them because they turn up and go, we're the Feds. This is our crime scene now. And, like, we're just treading all over that. You know, the protagonist cops have already made quite a good case and they're onto something, and then the Feds turn up and just ruin it and go like, yeah, this is because. With evil ego. I'd like to be that kind of fed.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, but you'd, like, slip on the Blood and all your trousers would fall down and stuff. Right.

[Joy Crooks]

I could actually see you being a detective. Yeah, but like one that. Like one that has. You could make a show, actually, and you could just pretend to be a detective. Like a comedian turned detective. Yeah, that would pay to see that.

[James Acaster]

So I could be that. I'm a comedian, but I'm also a.

[Joy Crooks]

Well, no, you could use some of your skills from comedy.

[James Acaster]

Yes.

[Joy Crooks]

To unravel crime.

[James Acaster]

Oh, I see.

[Joy Crooks]

Yeah. And like, also because comedy, as I say comedy is so disarming, you could end up really getting behind. Behind the mind of. Of crazy killers.

[James Acaster]

I think. Yeah. I. I think they'd all feel like.

[Joy Crooks]

They were having a pint with you.

[James Acaster]

I think we need a different comedian because I think this is a brilliant idea, Joy. But I've never found my comedy to be disarming.

[Joy Crooks]

You'd be surprised. Have you ever brought it into a small room that's locked with a murderer with a man in orange?

[James Acaster]

Yeah, good point. I haven't tried it on. On anyone like that yet.

[Joy Crooks]

I find your comedy to something in a good way. They like in a way that's like.

[James Acaster]

Puts people on the back foot.

[Joy Crooks]

Yeah, but I quite. I quite like that.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. I wouldn't say you're not disarming. I'm not. I don't think you're arming.

[James Acaster]

It's under people's skin.

[Ed Gamble]

No, I don't think so.

[Joy Crooks]

Yeah, but I like that. That's so good. And that's how you get under the skin of a killer.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, I could get under the skin of a killer.

[Joy Crooks]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Well, I'd happily try. If anyone's listening, any, like, TV commissioners or anything, and they want to make the show where I'm basically me.

[Joy Crooks]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

But I've become a cop and I'm using my comedy skills to solve crime, so I'm up for that.

[Ed Gamble]

A scripted thing or are we talking about you genuinely going to interview killers?

[James Acaster]

Either one. I'll do a scripted thing, but I will also do like a. Yeah, like I'm going around and doing it in real life.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Joy Crooks]

Yeah, I think you should do it in real life. I also think that there will be a time in your journey where someone will think that you actually are a bad dude. So you're getting an almost 5. But then the almost fight would be like when Robin Williams finally cracks Matt Damon in Good Will Hunting.

[James Acaster]

It's not your fault.

[Joy Crooks]

It's not your fault. And the criminal will just be like, you just get it, man. And then it will be like, this really compelling story and you'll be like, heralded as this, like, British comedian detective hero. And we'll find it hard to, like, get hold of you.

[James Acaster]

I won't reply to Ed anymore.

[Joy Crooks]

Nah.

[James Acaster]

Oh, man. Along for that day.

[Joy Crooks]

Here's your way out.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. You've got to do quite a lot of stuff before that can happen.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

And it has to go exactly the way Joy said it would.

[Joy Crooks]

It has to.

[James Acaster]

It does have to.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Joy Crooks]

I could be like a co writer if you want.

[James Acaster]

Just saying, you're the creator of this. Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

You're the showrunner.

[James Acaster]

You'll be everything. I mean, you know, there's nothing that you wouldn't be across.

[Joy Crooks]

I think we should get like a reform voter in there and you getting behind the mind of a reform voter.

[Ed Gamble]

Someone from Mighty Watch White.

[Joy Crooks]

From someone from my team, Mighty White. Yeah. And just you really getting to the bottom of things.

[James Acaster]

I thought about this recently because my hometown of Ketrin, which I love.

[Joy Crooks]

Kettering.

[James Acaster]

Ketan.

[Joy Crooks]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

In. In Northamptonshire.

[Joy Crooks]

Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. I love it there.

[James Acaster]

Well, Joy, it's. It's currently.

[Joy Crooks]

It doesn't love you.

[James Acaster]

It's got the most flags out of anywhere at the minute. It's.

[Ed Gamble]

It's.

[James Acaster]

It's quite upsetting going back there. It's. It's absolutely right.

[Ed Gamble]

Not flags of the world.

[James Acaster]

Not flags.

[Joy Crooks]

A couple Georgian flags. Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

It's bonkers. It looks insane. Like, I think even. Even, like the most far right of people must see Kevin and go, that's a mess. You've got to get rid of those. That's too many.

[Joy Crooks]

That bad.

[James Acaster]

It's awful. And I'll have thought about going to Ketryn and doing a little chat with people. I think you should just try to understand what's going on. Well, not understand. I feel like I do understand.

[Joy Crooks]

Well, one of my favorite videos of that was a fellow that dressed up in a Union Jack suit, and he named all of Nigel Farage's policies, but without telling the people he was speaking to that they were Nigel Farage policies. And they were just like, oh, that sounds terrible. This sounds terrible. Oh, my God, that's awful. He tells all these things to people and then they're like, that sounds terrible. I'd never vote whoever came up with those policies. And then he goes, oh, oh, it's the Nigel Farage's.

[James Acaster]

And then they go, I'm still gonna vote for you.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Joy Crooks]

I like it.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah.

[Joy Crooks]

And then the leader of the Green Party does the same as well. He goes to like places that are highly reformed. But I think as a comedian, that would be sick.

[James Acaster]

I might chat to them more. I've done a few things and kept in in the past and chatted to them so they.

[Ed Gamble]

You know how Nico Amolana did a video? Did you see Nico's video?

[James Acaster]

Didn't see this.

[Ed Gamble]

He went. But he like had to. He wore like basically like a white mask. Mask to go and do it. Like he was all whited up and speaking to them as if he was like, oh, you'd have to do it. But I want you to white up as well.

[James Acaster]

Man. I'll be transparent. If I get any whiter, be a goddamn ghost.

[Ed Gamble]

And that'd freak them the out. Yeah, it'd be nice to show them something that's too white for them.

[Joy Crooks]

Yeah. Why's no one ever thought of that?

[James Acaster]

If we go this direction, I really like that.

[Joy Crooks]

That's a really good idea.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Fuck.

[Joy Crooks]

It's one way to solve everything.

[Ed Gamble]

You want everyone in England to be white. Well, bad luck. Everyone's ghosts.

[Joy Crooks]

Have a look at this.

[Ed Gamble]

You're going to be spooked to fuck every ghost.

[James Acaster]

Very spooky.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Joy Crooks]

So good.

[James Acaster]

Okay, well, I'll do that. Okay.

[Ed Gamble]

Thank you.

[Joy Crooks]

Did I say the dessert?

[James Acaster]

No, no. We talked about reform. To be honest, I think all three of us have been quite restrained. Yeah. When you said, why do you like vodka diet?

[Joy Crooks]

This is. This is why. So for me, dessert is sprinkle cake and custard.

[James Acaster]

Nice.

[Joy Crooks]

And that is the biggest fuck you to Jamie Oliver I can think of. Apart from turkey twisters.

[James Acaster]

He's getting it in the neck again, Oliver.

[Ed Gamble]

So, like school dinners, sprinkle cake and custard. Yeah, custard with the skin on that they have to just like drill through with a big spoon.

[Joy Crooks]

No, not with skin on.

[Ed Gamble]

Well, that's what it was like at school though, right?

[Joy Crooks]

No, I don't know about your school, but my school's a little bit better than that.

[Ed Gamble]

Okay. Pink custard. Custard. Did you have the pink custard?

[Joy Crooks]

No, I've had it before. Yeah, it was like Custard angel or something, I think it was called. But no, I just like the normal ambrosia one.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Joy Crooks]

But yeah, for me, sprinkle cake and custard. I would like to say something way posher. And a souffle with a Kool Aid with a. Whatever the words. I have to use Google Translate every time I go into a restaurant these days. It's like, what? Yeah, and for me, sprinkle cake and custard. It just makes my soul happy and reminds me who I am. And that's the. That I loved growing up.

[James Acaster]

This is basically, I think the only time we've ever kicked a guest out of the dream restaurant for saying the secret ingredient was Jade Adams for basically picking this. So it's great that you've picked it. And Jade will have to, like, deal with the fact that someone else got to go on the podcast, have her dream dessert.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

And didn't get kicked out. And that'll be, like, probably annoy her even more.

[Joy Crooks]

I just think in this time, it would look bad on you guys to kick me out.

[James Acaster]

We're not gonna kick you out. It's not the secret ingredient for your one, so it's fine.

[Ed Gamble]

Also, what you said, you said, I don't want anything posh. I just want the sprinkle cake and custard. I don't want souffle or Kool Aid, whatever. I have to use Google Translate every time I go into a restaurant. I think you could go to a reform march. You'd probably get on with those.

[Joy Crooks]

I really hate you for saying that because I knew it sounded like that when I said the Google Translate bit, but if you're listening, I'm not white.

[James Acaster]

It's really important to know if you're just a listener.

[Ed Gamble]

We should cut that out and put it at the beginning. No, no, no, no.

[James Acaster]

Put it at the beginning so people know. I know.

[Joy Crooks]

I think you should just cut up everything we said today. Like, mighty white. Yeah, yeah. Richmond sausage and lycra. Just, like, add one, like, sexual thing, because that's always good for, you know, like, rage. Clickbaiting. And then, like, just Google translating every kettering. I love kettering. And like, just all those things I've said that could be, like, misconstrued as me being a reform voter.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah.

[Joy Crooks]

And just take it from there and.

[Ed Gamble]

Do that as the trailer.

[James Acaster]

Like the big trailer.

[Joy Crooks]

Yeah, exactly. And just like, anytime my face is wandered off, just get that face. Yeah, I can do one right now. I love sprinkle cake and custard.

[Ed Gamble]

Thank you for getting us back on track.

[Joy Crooks]

No, I just thought about it. It just makes me so happy.

[James Acaster]

Temperature wise. How hot we talking?

[Joy Crooks]

Lukewarm.

[James Acaster]

Lukewarm.

[Ed Gamble]

Both the cake and the custard or just the custard?

[Joy Crooks]

I don't think you can have lukewarm sprinkle cake because unless. Because then the sprinkle, the icing will melt.

[Ed Gamble]

That's true. But you could have a little bit of melt. Here, if you put it in the.

[Joy Crooks]

Microwave, I don't want it to melt, though.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

No.

[Joy Crooks]

I don't mind if the cake is warm, but I don't want the sprinkle. I don't like the idea of that because then it's just like icing custard. But I never said I wanted that. I wanted icing. Just normal thing. Normal ice. Just like the normal when the color.

[James Acaster]

Of the sprinkles bleeds into the icing because it's got a bit too warm. I'm not. I'm not into that.

[Joy Crooks]

I can work with that.

[James Acaster]

I don't know.

[Joy Crooks]

I'm sorry. That triggers you.

[James Acaster]

Okay. Just trying to help with what you were saying.

[Ed Gamble]

Absolutely love it.

[James Acaster]

That's great.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, no, James, like, great. Found some common ground here with Joy.

[Joy Crooks]

I went full contrarian.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Yeah. You were like.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. Really pulled.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. I really don't like the thought of the warm sprinkle cake. I really don't like that. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I'm sorry that what the just happened to me. Trying to empathize.

[Joy Crooks]

I'm sorry.

[James Acaster]

Okay. Someone's burnt in my face. Major menu. Back to you now. See how you feel about it. Joy. Here we go. Vicky, Catalan. For your water, you want pop dumps and soda bread starter Iberico and a Richmond sausage butty with Kerrygold butter ketchup and Sriracha main course. What are you.

[Joy Crooks]

Is that an iPad?

[James Acaster]

Huh?

[Joy Crooks]

That's an iPad.

[James Acaster]

No, it's your menu written down.

[Joy Crooks]

Okay.

[James Acaster]

We wrote it down before in my head.

[Joy Crooks]

I was thinking, how in the bomb seed has he managed to do that?

[Ed Gamble]

But okay, you had gone somewhere else there when the menu was being read back to you.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Suddenly you went very serious.

[James Acaster]

You went very, very serious. And you were sitting as still as possible.

[Joy Crooks]

I'm a complex woman.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. As we're noticing.

[Joy Crooks]

Be careful.

[James Acaster]

Homemade spaghetti Bolognese with a Parmesan reflection.

[Joy Crooks]

Who's made it? Who's making it?

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Made by John. I was trying to remember that one. John Cena's making it.

[Joy Crooks]

John Cena side dish.

[James Acaster]

Homemade water by your mum.

[Joy Crooks]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Is it butter?

[Joy Crooks]

Yeah, butter. On a good day. By mum.

[James Acaster]

On a good day. A good day. Drink vodka, Pepsi Max and afterwards, an old Fashioned.

[Joy Crooks]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Dessert. Sprinkle cake and lukewarm cup.

[Joy Crooks]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Feels good.

[Joy Crooks]

Feels amazing.

[Ed Gamble]

It's a really good menu.

[James Acaster]

It is good. There's nothing on that I wouldn't want to eat. In fact, I want to eat all that.

[Ed Gamble]

Joy, thank you very much for coming to the dream restaurant.

[James Acaster]

Thank you, Joy.

[Joy Crooks]

Crooks, am I getting kicked out?

[James Acaster]

Well, it's not kicked out in the middle. You've had your meal.

[Joy Crooks]

I know, but I just want this. I want this day to last forever.

[Ed Gamble]

Well, there we are, James. Joy Crooks, such a delight.

[James Acaster]

Yes.

[Ed Gamble]

And we mentioned it in the episode that I then had to translate what the guests were saying to you.

[James Acaster]

Huge, huge moment in the podcast.

[Ed Gamble]

She outweighed you, man.

[James Acaster]

She outweighed me, and I didn't expect it. Having seen Joy live, I'm always like, wow, this person is wise beyond their years.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[James Acaster]

And so, like, they just. They just got it. Got it all together, man. And I think both of those things are still true.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[James Acaster]

But on top of that, I got out weirded.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. Also, I think it should be a new regular section on the podcast. Joy Crooks attempts to explain Gen Z terminology to Ed and James.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, this is where we just got to accept that we're old. And the challenge is, is that we don't become like other comics and just complain about all these youngins coming through. We just gotta take our roasting, man.

[Ed Gamble]

Take our roast.

[James Acaster]

We've gotta be roasted for the rest of time now. We only get to continue being in this biz if we become the butt of the joke. We don't understand anything anymore.

[Ed Gamble]

No, no, no, no. All the terms come from a bit of the Internet that I'm not privy to.

[James Acaster]

Yes, I would, and I can't. I can't navigate it.

[Ed Gamble]

Bonito's frowning at me like he doesn't know what I mean. Not the dark web.

[James Acaster]

Not the dark Web. Benito, you're. He's even older than us. Look at. Yeah, look at him.

[Ed Gamble]

He's saying dark web.

[James Acaster]

He thinks the dark web's real.

[Ed Gamble]

The dark. The dark web is real.

[James Acaster]

No, no, no, no. You're thinking of Tick tock.

[Ed Gamble]

Ah, yes. That's the dark web.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Well, thank you very much to Joy. I enjoyed that conversation very much. Grinning like an absolute goon. I was throughout that. And goon means something different now. I learned that.

[James Acaster]

Oh, does it?

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, Gooner.

[James Acaster]

Oh, like an Arsenal fan.

[Ed Gamble]

No, it means someone who habitually masturbates.

[James Acaster]

What the hell? I gotta be careful what I say in the world. Because I might be saying I habitually masturbate. Not that I'd call myself a gooner. I'm not an Arsenal fan. But like, I might say, if you met Ramesh, he's a gooner. And people be like, what the hell?

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, that's front page news. Yeah. And you'd be like, he's also an Arsenal fan.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But Arsenal fan probably means obsessed with asses or something. All these perverted corners of the Internet.

[Ed Gamble]

It's probably true. Ramesh is a fan of the football team Arsenal. He loves a badonkadonk and he's a dirty little wanker.

[James Acaster]

Joy's album Juniper is out now, so make sure you listen to the.

[Ed Gamble]

That Joy is also going on tour and goes through November and then into December, the Juniper Tour. So go and check that out if you're around or if these dates make sense. UK Europe. Joy did not say Armand's Joy, James, or indeed Almond. We couldn't even get her on that. Yeah, because I suppose every Almond is Almond Joy to Joy. Crooks.

[James Acaster]

That's a thinker.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, that's a thinker.

[James Acaster]

He's one of the leading philosophical minds.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes, thank you.

[James Acaster]

In the UK today, Ed Gambler, humble.

[Ed Gamble]

And thank you for that.

[James Acaster]

This will be on YouTube tomorrow.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes. You get to see me and James being occasionally baffled.

[James Acaster]

You see what we look like when we're thinking to ourselves, I'm old now. Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. Well, I always look. I always. I'm always thinking that.

[James Acaster]

Yeah. Well, this is me just finally accepting.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

I was like, it's over for me. If you look at my eyes during this video, I'm just thinking, it's over.

[Ed Gamble]

No, no, it's not over, man. It's just a whole new chapter, sir.

[James Acaster]

That's a good way of looking at it. Yeah, that's nice.

[Ed Gamble]

Plus, there's things. There's things that Gen Z don't know that we talk about, not what. All our terms.

[James Acaster]

What terms?

[Ed Gamble]

Dial up.

[James Acaster]

How doly doodly Oakley dokely. Oh, no. Flanders.

[Ed Gamble]

Dial up Flanders.

[James Acaster]

Big thank you to Toast for booking our guest today, buddy. If you got any more more people you want to send our way.

[Ed Gamble]

We know who Toast wants to send our way. The ball, the postie.

[James Acaster]

The boat. Today on the podcast, we're interviewing walkies.

[Ed Gamble]

Just a lead on a chair, but.

[James Acaster]

We can't ever say the guest's name. We have to spell it out.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Oh, it gets exactly.

[Ed Gamble]

Walkies. You've got a hard out. You've only got 20 minutes.

[James Acaster]

And if you ask any of these questions, they're going to walk. Walk.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. Kick about. They said the secret ingredient. Take. I'm taking him away.

[James Acaster]

Take him away. Secret. What would what the secret ingredient be? For walkies running, I guess.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

A jog. Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Lead. Coming off the lead.

[James Acaster]

Going to let him off the lead.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

That's a big moment with a dog.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[James Acaster]

Okay.

[Ed Gamble]

Thank you very much. To Joy, go listen to Juniper. We'll see you again next week.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Bye. Bye.

[James Acaster]

Yeah, goodbye life.

[Ed Gamble]

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[Ed Gamble]

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[Ed Gamble]

Meet Lisa.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Hey there.

[James Acaster]

Lisa runs an online boutique specializing in sustainable fashion. With Acast, she found a whole new.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

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[James Acaster]

Now that's a smart way to grow your business. Hey Lisa, what's trending right now?

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[James Acaster]

Start reaching your ideal audience through podcast ads with Acast. Visit go.acast.com advertise to get started.

[Joy Crooks]

Hello, I'm Lucy Beaumont.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

And I'm Sam Campbell.

[Joy Crooks]

As a matter of fact, Perfect Brains is one of the most enchanting podcasts. The effect it has on people is astound. That. That is what we've heard is, isn't it?

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Yeah.

[Joy Crooks]

This changes people's lives.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

If you had to sum it up.

[Joy Crooks]

How would you sum it up? An in depth look at sumo wrestling and the scandals. Because it used to be considered so honorable. Like sumos. And they all live together. Sumos. No two podcasts are the same. Do you remember that one whereby I just messaged loads of Dereks?

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

I don't think people know that. I emailed a hundred Derek's.

[Joy Crooks]

I don't think it was Derek's. I thought it was Brian. Sorry, Brian.

[James Acaster]

Yeah.

[Joy Crooks]

Lucy emailed everybody free Brian on Facebook. Our podcast is out every Friday. It's really easy to remember. It's like if you've got an office job, it's the first day you feel alive again. Lucy and Sam's Perfect Brains. One of the hottest podcasts. People are going crazy for this podcast. Yeah.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Please give it a listen.

[Joy Crooks]

We're loaded up on buzzballs, We've got a Labubu in both hands, and we are ready to screech.