Podcast Summary

Podcast: Office Hours with Arthur Brooks
Episode: 4 Ways to Love the People You Disagree With
Date: October 20, 2025
Host: Arthur Brooks

Episode Overview

In this heartfelt and practical solo episode, Arthur Brooks delves into the urgent question of how to love those with whom we strongly disagree—especially in our ideologically polarized age. Drawing on behavioral science, neuroscience, philosophy, personal experience, and conversations with major religious leaders, Brooks identifies the modern crisis as not simply a crisis of disagreement, but of contempt. He explores the destructive effects of contempt and shares actionable, research-backed strategies to foster love, respect, and happier relationships even across deep divides.

Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. The Real Crisis: Contempt, Not Disagreement

• Brooks reframes the current era’s troubles:

  “People have always disagreed. In my view, it's a crisis of contempt. Schopenhauer defined contempt as the conviction of the worthlessness of another individual.” (03:00)

• He illustrates this by referencing both public life and his personal history as the child of progressive parents.

2. Motive Attribution Asymmetry and Its Dangers

• Explanation:
  Motive Attribution Asymmetry is the belief that “I love, they hate”—a psychological error underlying intractable conflicts from marital disputes to global conflicts.

  “Both sides say the same thing: I love this country, but they hate it... One side of the conflict, or usually both sides, is mistaken and they don't really understand what's going on with the other.” (08:00)

• Brooks describes a pivotal study (2014), which chillingly found U.S. polarization matched the severity of the Israeli-Palestinian divide.

3. Personal Stories Illustrate Broader Truths

• Speaking at a conservative conference, Brooks challenges his audience:

  “They're not stupid and evil. The people who disagree with you are just Americans who have different politics. If you want to convince them... you can't do that with insults. Nobody in history has ever been insulted into agreement.” (15:40)

• He recounts a humorous but poignant interruption: “Actually, they are stupid and evil.” (18:20)
• Reflecting on his own family, he shares:

  “When that lady at that speech said that liberals are stupid and evil... she was talking about my mom. And I took it personally.” (21:30)

4. The Neuroscience Behind Groupthink and Silence

• Why do people fear defending the out-group?

  “Your brain was evolved to avoid being rejected by your tribe... Your dorsal anterior cingulate cortex... is warning you not to get thrust out.” (24:15)

• This tendency explains why so many remain silent even as their own side turns hateful.

5. Contempt: A Deadly Emotional Cocktail

• Contempt = Anger + Disgust;
  Anger alone isn’t the problem—hot emotion means you care.

  “Contempt... is a composite emotion which takes anger and adds in disgust. When you deploy it toward another person, you're going to have a permanent enemy.” (30:18)

• Brooks cites marital research by John Gottman showing that contempt (eye-rolling, sarcasm) predicts relationship failure—even more so than anger.

6. The Role of Communication Habits

• Contempt has become habitual; referencing habit-forming neuroscience:

  “Habits largely involve the nucleus accumbens... It’s also true with the way we communicate.” (39:03)

• Brooks confesses to slipping into contemptuous body language himself in debates, illustrating everyone’s vulnerability to these habits.

7. How to Break the Cycle: Moving from Contempt to Love

• Not Civility or Tolerance (which are low bars):

  “If I told you that Esther, my wife, and I were civil to each other, you'd be like, Arthur, you need counseling. Civility, really? Tolerance?” (44:48)

• The higher calling, found across religious and philosophical traditions:

  “Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.” – Jesus, Matthew 5:44
  “If you have an enemy, do not simply be long suffering, nay, rather, love him.” – Baháʼu'lláh
  “When you feel hatred, show warm heartedness.” – The Dalai Lama

• The “as if principle”: Acting with kindness and love changes hearts—yours and sometimes theirs.

  “[The Dalai Lama] said, remember a time when you did that by accident and how it made you feel... Act like the person that you want to be and you’ll become that person.” (47:00)

8. Four Practical Assignments for Loving Your Enemies

1. Stand Up to Your Own Side

• Don’t accept contemptuous rhetoric, even from those you agree with.

  “The mark of moral courage is to stand up to the people with whom you agree on behalf of those with whom you disagree.” (22:54)

• When you hear hate from friends or media, turn it off: “Vote with your attention.”

2. Don’t Seek Less Disagreement—Seek Better Disagreement

• Embrace the competition of ideas while insisting upon respectful engagement.

3. Seek Out Contempt, Meet It with Love

• John Gottman’s “five-to-one” rule: Always offer five loving comments before a critical one; it transforms how you respond even in conflict.

  “Go looking for contempt and go running toward it with love. Your life will change.” (57:44)

4. Practice Gratitude

• Gratitude neutralizes contempt—in relationships, politics, and civic life.

  “When you focus on the things that actually are good and are grateful for them, your contempt will evaporate.” (59:25)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On polarization:
  “The last 10 years have been one of unique ideological crisis... It’s a crisis of contempt.” (03:00)
• On family and disagreement:
  “My dad was a college professor. My mom was an artist in Seattle... let me tell you something they weren’t. They weren’t stupid and evil.” (20:00)
• On moral courage:
  “The mark of moral courage is to stand up to the people with whom you agree on behalf of those with whom you disagree. That’s real moral courage.” (22:54)
• On reforming habits:
  “Each one of us needs to reprogram our nucleus accumbens so that we can communicate in a new way.” (42:45)
• On the alternative to contempt:
  “Hating your enemies, that's weak. Loving your enemies, that's strong... that's the secret. That’s my father’s testimony to true moral courage.” (46:55)
• On maximising positive engagement:
  “It’s not about disagreeing less – it’s about disagreeing better.” (52:30)
• On the role of gratitude:
  “Gratitude stands up to our natural evolutionary proclivity to be ungrateful wretches.” (59:25)
• On commitment to love:
  “I want you to love your enemies and I want you to be part of the solution in this country and world. And I want you to get happier.” (53:25)

Important Timestamps

• 03:00 - Contempt as the true crisis
• 08:00 - Motive Attribution Asymmetry explained
• 15:40–18:20 - Brooks’ speech to conservatives & “Actually, they are stupid and evil” moment
• 20:00–22:54 - Reflections on family and Brooks’ father’s advice on moral courage
• 24:15 - The neuroscience of belonging and social risk
• 30:18–34:00 - Disgust and contempt explained; Gottman’s marriage research
• 39:03–42:45 - The neuroscience of habits in communication
• 44:48–46:55 - Love versus civility or tolerance; world religious teachings
• 47:00 - The “as if” principle
• 52:30–59:25 - Four assignments: stand up to your side, disagree better, respond to contempt with love, practice gratitude

Audience Q&A Highlights

• Dark Triad Personalities and Charisma (51:00):

  “Dark triads… become more charismatic. Why? Because they learn what it takes to seduce people... But you can be charismatic and not be a dark triad.”

• Family Estrangement (52:30):
  Brooks addresses the pain of being cut off by family due to disagreement, acknowledging the prevalence (“11% of mothers over 60 are not talking to at least one of their adult children”) and promising a future episode on solutions.

Tone & Takeaways

Brooks is warm, candid, evidence-based, and hopeful. He blends storytelling, research, and wisdom from faith traditions, calling listeners to higher moral courage and practical action. This episode is both an urgent call to reject the commodification of contempt and an empowering guide to healing our relationships, families, and countries—one act of love and gratitude at a time.

Final message:

“Let’s work together to make a better world.” (53:40)

For more:

• Take the Dark Triad quiz: arthurbrooks.com/darktriads
• Sign up for Arthur’s newsletter: arthurbrooks.com/newsletter

This summary skips intro/ads/outro for maximum content focus.