Office Hours with Arthur Brooks

Episode: How to Stop Caring What Others Think

Date: January 12, 2026
Host: Arthur Brooks

Episode Overview

In this solo episode, Arthur Brooks, Harvard professor and happiness researcher, delves into the pervasive problem of caring too much about the opinions of others. Drawing from neuroscience, behavioral psychology, philosophy, and his personal experience, Brooks explains why we are biologically and socially predisposed to seek others’ approval, the negative role of shame, and the psychological traps of today’s hyperconnected world. He presents actionable strategies to care less about external judgment—crucially, without swinging to unhealthy indifference or detachment.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Why We Care About Others’ Opinions

Timestamps: 03:45 – 17:55

• Social Validation is Hardwired:
  • Our desire for others’ approval has deep evolutionary roots. Early humans had to avoid social rejection to survive in tightly-knit bands. Rejection then often meant death; hence, rejection still triggers actual neural “pain.”
    • “We want approval of other people. We’re built to want approval of other people.” (09:48)
• Formation of Self-Opinion:
  • Our own view of ourselves is partly a mosaic of feedback (solicited or not) from others.
    • “You’re forming this puzzle together with the puzzle pieces of everybody else’s opinions. And that’s why you pay attention.” (06:45)
• Modern Amplification:
  • The reach of “the tribe” has ballooned with social media. Now, tens of millions’ judgments are available instantly, triggering ancient wiring in unhelpful ways.
  • Brooks humorously notes: We even care about what “idiots” and trolls on social media think.
    • “The village is now not 30 to 50 individuals, it’s 30 to 50 million people or more. That’s made it such that we even want approval way, way, way outside the bounds of anything that could be considered normal or healthy. Welcome to modern life.” (13:15)

2. The Biology of Shame and Judgment

Timestamps: 19:20 – 28:50

• Shame as a Negative Reinforcer:
  • Shame arises when we’re deemed “worthless, incompetent, dishonorable, or immoral.” It’s powerful—sometimes embarrassingly so, other times, usefully so.
    • “Shame is the feeling of being deemed worthless, incompetent, dishonorable, or immoral.” (20:44)
  • Sometimes, shame’s aversiveness drives good (“you’re charitable to a stranger because you don’t want to look like a jerk”); sometimes it just paralyzes us.
• Brain Mechanisms:
  • Brooks explains the Behavioral Inhibition System (BIS) and Behavioral Activation System (BAS):
    • Our mind inhibits action until enough “social data” is gathered (“BIS”), which can get stuck if we overvalue others’ judgments.
    • “BIS stays on when you’re thinking about the opinions of other people… and you won’t do stuff.” (25:10)
  • Some people get “stuck,” not pursuing opportunities due to fear of negative feedback—this is a spectrum, from mild inhibition up to clinical “allodoxophobia.”

3. The Paradox: Caring Vs. Not Caring at All

Timestamps: 29:12 – 32:10

• Not Caring At All Isn’t the Goal:
  • Complete indifference is neither possible nor desirable—it’s linked with antisocial personality disorder, shamelessness, or sociopathy.
    • “If you actually were able to do that, I’d be worried about you because we’d be talking about antisocial personality disorder.” (31:18)
  • Health lies in the “golden mean”: caring enough to be social and moral, but not so much as to be paralyzed or miserable.

4. Three Practical Strategies to Care Less

Timestamps: 32:15 – 50:01

1. Remind Yourself: No One Really Cares

• People are Egocentric:
  • Most people are far more preoccupied with themselves than with you. (“Psychodrama”—everyone is the star of their own movie)
    • “No one actually cares. They probably don’t care at all. Everyone is thinking all day long… Me, me, me, me, me.” (33:44)
  • Brooks recommends writing “No one cares” on a post-it and repeating it to yourself.

2. Rebel Against Your Shame

• Embrace Embarrassment:
  • Don’t hide from ordinary human blunders; own them and share them. Brooks recounts a story about unknowingly lecturing for three hours with his fly down—and becoming a better teacher for it.
    • “I had done the whole three hour lecture, first one of the semester in this new job with my fly open… but it actually wasn’t bad because I was free!” (39:02)
  • Practical step: Identify something you’re embarrassed by, and purposely talk about it to neutralize its potency.

3. Judge Not, Lest Ye Be Judged

• Judgment Opens the Door:
  • When we judge others, we prime ourselves to care about their opinions of us.
    • “If you judge other people, especially negatively, you’re acknowledging your belief that people can in fact legitimately judge others. And you’ve just given people permission to judge you.” (43:18)
  • Cultivate observation instead of judgment: when someone cuts you off in traffic, think “he’s in a hurry” rather than “what a jerk.”
  • Brooks ties this to ancient wisdom from both Lao Tzu and the Christian Bible:
    • “Care about people’s approval and you will be their prisoner.” (Lao Tzu, quoted at 45:30)
    • “Judge not that ye be not judged.” (Mathew 7:1, quoted at 44:05)
  • Brooks’ own contribution:
    • “Disregard what others think and the prison door will swing open.” (45:50)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On the Social Media Trap:
  • “If you’ve been watching the show for any period of time, you know perfectly that on social media, you have a disproportionate number of dark triads… These are psychopaths in a lot of cases. And for some reason, you know this, but you care what they think, too. It’s the weirdest thing.” (05:36)
• On Intrusive Thoughts:
  • “If you’re a normal person, you’re having all of these intrusive thoughts all day long, like ‘What if I went up and just slapped that guy?’… No, you’re a normal human being. But your BIS made you not do it.” (23:12)
• On Healthy Shame:
  • “There are all kinds of times when people, quite frankly, should feel ashamed. They do something that really is immoral, is dishonorable, is harmful to other people, and the shame that they feel is their teacher.” (22:12)
• On the Golden Mean:
  • “This is all a question of equilibrium… not nothing, but not too much.” (31:00)
• Self-Transcendence:
  • “We need to stand in awe of something that’s not you to unfocus on yourself… Look outward as well as the me-self that you’re so stuck in.” (35:00)
• Freedom from Shame:
  • “Once you own it, then you don’t care what other people think. On the contrary, you’ve utterly neutralized that… This works.” (41:20)

Practical Summary of Strategies

(49:30)

• 1. Remind yourself daily: No one cares.
• 2. Rebel against your shame: Own your embarrassing or vulnerable moments.
• 3. Judge not: Shift from moral judgment to neutral observation.

Audience Q&A Highlights

Timestamps: 50:30 – End

• On Relationship Conflict and “Limbic” Fights:
  • Brooks discusses “joint metacognition”—the powerful act of couples together pausing and resetting arguments instead of getting stuck in emotional reactions. (“Time travel is the way to solve a multitude of marriage problems.” 54:44)
• On Morning Routines:
  • Advice to adapt ideal routines to real-world needs—“Don’t make the perfect the enemy of the good.”
• On Cold Therapy and Depression:
  • Cautions about incomplete data, but highlights promising research showing benefit for depressive symptoms.

Closing Thoughts

Tone: Warm, actionable, slightly irreverent, optimistic

Brooks doesn’t advocate for total indifference to social feedback—only for dialing it down, so you can “build a happier world, starting with you.” Armed with brain science, ancient wisdom, and practical habits, listeners are urged to work at these three strategies, teach them to others, and “spread the movement for happiness.”

Recommended Reading/Show Notes:

• Marcus Aurelius, Meditations
• Richard Foley, Intellectual Trust in Oneself and Others
• American Psychological Association review paper (2013) on Behavioral Inhibition
• Studies on cold therapy and depression

Memorable Signoff:

“If you care what other people think of you and you’re tired of caring so much…write on a note that no one cares. Rebel against your shame. And judge not, and you will not be judged. I hope that helps. It’s helped me a lot; the science is on your side.” (47:20)