Roughing It | CBS Radio Workshop (10-05-56)

Summary

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Old Time Radio Westerns

Episode: Roughing It | CBS Radio Workshop (10-05-56)
Host: Andrew Rhynes
Original Broadcast Date: January 6, 2026 (podcast release; episode aired 1956)

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Episode Overview

This episode presents a digitally restored radio dramatization of Mark Twain’s Roughing It, performed by the CBS Radio Workshop. Framed as advice for modern Western storytellers, Mark Twain himself (as Samuel Clemens) wryly narrates his own adventures and misadventures as a young man traveling West—the humor, exaggeration, and human foibles that truly flavored the American frontier. This production serves both as a tongue-in-cheek critique of “Hollywood Westerns” and a loving homage to the classic tales of the Wild West, blending satire, tall tales, and real insight about the era.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Satirizing Hollywood Westerns and the Western Myth (01:29 – 03:50)

• Mark Twain opens with a sardonic comparison of Western movies and real-life experience:

  “Movie makers have found three basic ingredients necessary to their presentation of life in the West: ingredient one, scenery; ingredient two, a good man in a white Stetson and a bad one with ten gallons of black felt on his head; ingredient three, a rousing chase…”
  (01:32–01:55)

• Twain notes that despite Hollywood embellishments, everything needed for an “adult Western” can be found in his book Roughing It.

2. The Journey West: Stagecoach Trials & Tall Tales (04:19 – 13:51)

• Twain recounts leaving Missouri by stagecoach for Nevada, with comic commentary on the perils and discomforts of the trip.

  • The dangers of carrying sacks of mail and worries about “literary” Indians.
  • The breakneck pace: “300 miles in 56 hours… only for it to be bested by the railroad, and later by the ‘flying machine’.”
  • The drivers of yore are likened (with a wink) to the cinematic “old-timer.”

• George Bemis’ Legendary Tall Tale (09:11–12:17):

  • George tells an outrageous story about escaping an enraged buffalo and supposedly witnessing a buffalo attempting to climb a tree:

    “You are my meat, friend. … I let go and the slip noose fell fairly around his neck…there he was, dangling in the air, twenty feet from the ground.”
    (11:00–12:10)

  • Twain dryly questions his story’s veracity, and Bemis retorts:

    “There’s something to be said for a liar. On a long journey, a really good one makes the time pass more quickly.”
    (12:29–12:32)

3. Arrival and Settling into the West (13:52 – 15:58)

• The party reaches Carson City after a grueling 20 days.
  • Twain describes the town as reminiscent of “High Noon”—small, stark, and full of raw drama.
  • On arrival, they witness violence firsthand:

    “I never saw Mr. Harris shoot down a man after that without recalling my first day in Carson City.”
    (14:16–14:22)

4. Acquiring a Steed: The True Nature of Western Horses (15:09 – 16:48)

• Twain attempts to buy a horse at auction, lured by locals into purchasing an infamously unmanageable “genuine Mexican plug.”
  • The supposedly noble beast immediately bucks Twain off, escaping over fences and out of sight.

    “When I came down again, the genuine Mexican plug was not there. He darted away like a telegram…”
    (16:48–17:13)

  • Twain questions the romantic portrayal of horses in Western stories.

5. Prospecting and Getting Lost: Survival and Forgiveness (17:58 – 22:24)

• Twain heads out prospecting with companions, quickly getting lost in the snow.
  • Comic exchange as each blames the other for their predicament:

    “If you hadn’t got the fool notion that frozen sagebrush would burn…”
    (20:42–20:44)

  • Facing potential death, the group melodramatically forgives one another for imagined slights, only to awaken safely near the stage station.

    “I could not die with two finer gentlemen.”
    (21:50–21:52)

6. Saloon Life and the Myth of the Violent Frontier (23:38 – 28:15)

• Twain lampoons the Hollywood idea of the eternally violent, gunslinging saloon.
  • A typical barroom squabble, filled with comically escalating offense-taking, threats, and bluster:

    “Don’t rake up old bygones and throw them in the teeth of a passable people who wants to be peaceful if they could get a chance!”
    (25:58–26:04, Arkansas)

  • The conflict is abruptly ended—not by gunfire, but by the entrance of the formidable Mrs. Johnson, who shames the men into silence:

    “You fire off that pistol once more and I’ll run this butcher knife clean down from your guzzle to your boots. Do I make myself clear?”
    (27:27–28:07, Mrs. Johnson)

  • Twain gently mocks the over-dramatization of Western violence and the idealized “taming” influence of women.

7. Closing Reflection: The Real West vs. Hollywood (28:25 – 29:10)

• Twain reiterates the comedic and true elements of his book:

  “Real information about the west appears to stew out of me naturally… So, as I previously remarked, any writing fellows contemplating an adult western can find the book in the public library. Its title is Roughing It, and its authority is yours truly, Samuel Clemens.”
  (28:25–29:10)

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Memorable Quotes

• On Hollywood Westerns:

  “Movie makers have found three basic ingredients necessary to their presentation of life in the West…”
  (01:32, Samuel Clemens)

• On Stagecoach Hardships:

  “You gotta rock along a rutted trail at 12 miles an hour like we did to understand the country.”
  (08:04, Samuel Clemens)

• On Tall Tales:

  “There’s something to be said for a liar. On a long journey, a really good one makes the time pass more quickly.”
  (12:29, George Bemis)

• On Horse Trading:

  “You always get a bargain when my brother auctions off a horse.”
  (16:48, Mr. Ballou)

• On Survival and Camaraderie:

  “Let’s shake hands and then lie down in the snow. And in the morning, why, we’ll be frozen to death. Yeah, they say that freezing to death is the most happiest way to die.”
  (21:56, George Bemis)

• On Barroom Brawls:

  “You fire off that pistol once more and I’ll run this butcher knife clean down from your guzzle to your boots. Do I make myself clear?”
  (27:27, Mrs. Johnson)

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Important Segment Timestamps

• Hollywood Westerns Satirized – 01:32
• Departure for the West & Stagecoach Hardships – 04:19 – 08:04
• Bemis’ Tall Tale – 09:11 – 12:17
• Arrival, First Impressions of Carson City – 13:52 – 15:58
• Horse Auction Fiasco – 15:09 – 16:48
• Prospecting & Getting Lost – 17:58 – 22:24
• Saloon Showdown and Mrs. Johnson’s Intervention – 23:38 – 28:15
• Final Thoughts & Book Plug – 28:25 – 29:10

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Tone and Style

The entire episode brims with Twain’s characteristic wit, playful irony, and a keen eye for absurdity. The language is wry and frequently tongue-in-cheek, both lampooning and honoring classic Western tropes and characters.

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This episode stands as both an affectionate sendup of Western storytelling conventions and a lively dramatization of real frontier misadventure, as filtered through Mark Twain’s sharp, humorous lens. It’s a delightful listen for fans of classic literature, radio drama, and those curious about the enduring legacy—and often the myth—of the American West.

Transcript

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[Andrew Rines]

Welcome to the Old Time Radio Westerns. I'm your host, Andrew Rines, and I'm excited to bring you another episode. This is one of over 80 episodes released monthly for your enjoyment. You can find more Western shows at our website by going to otrwesterns.com now let's get into this episode From Hollywood.

[CBS Radio Announcer]

The CBS Radio Workshop.

[Samuel Clemens (Mark Twain)]

This is Samuel Clemens speaking. Word comes to our colony of late residents of the United States that the art form known as the motion picture makes a pretty good thing of bringing the great American west to the attention of current inhabitants who are fortunate enough to live somewhere else. As I understand it, the movie makers have found three basic ingredients necessary to their presentation of life in the West. Ingredient one scenery. Ingredient2, a good man in a white Stetson and a bad one with 10 gallons of black felt on his head. Ingredient three, arousing chase over ingredient one. And involving ingredient two. Of course, they add a few refinements now and then, such as the love of mankind for horse kind.

[Mr. Ballou]

Don't know what I'd do without you.

[Samuel Clemens (Mark Twain)]

Broomtail pun or maybe a battle against the elements?

[George Bemis]

Never keep movin'.

[Samuel Clemens (Mark Twain)]

Ain't no little thing like a blizzard, a prairie fire and a flood gonna stop me. And sometimes even a female.

[Mrs. Johnson]

Come back when you can, Ranger, and thanks.

[Samuel Clemens (Mark Twain)]

Now, word has reached me that in addition to symphony orchestras, trick horses and guitar players, they also hire writers just to think up these adult Westerns. This seems a little silly to me since I wrote a book some 90 years ago which contains all the literary appurtenances necessary to make a Western as adult as it should be. These writing fellows can find it in any library. Its title is Roughing It. And its author is yours truly, Samuel Clemens.

[CBS Radio Announcer]

CBS Radio presents the CBS Radio Workshop. Dedicated to man's imagination, the theater of the mind. Tonight, by tape, the workshop offers to writers of Western films. A Do it Yourself Kit. Through the courtesy of one of America's greatest humorists, Samuel Clemen.

[Samuel Clemens (Mark Twain)]

Mind you, I don't consider myself an authority. It's just that I was there back in 1863. It happened. My brother Bob was appointed secretary of the Territory of Nevada. And I was pretty cut up about it. Pretty soon he would be hundreds of miles away on the Great Plains and deserts and mountains of the Far West. He would see buffaloes and Indians and prairie dogs and antelopes. Maybe he would get hanged or scalped and write home and tell us all about it and be a hero. So when he offered me the sublime position of private secretary, under him, it seemed the heavens and earth passed away. And the firmament was rolled together as a scroll. I accepted him. We left the states at St. Joseph, Missouri. And headed west across the plains by fast stagecoach.

[George Bemis]

Help your brother there, gents. Yep.

[Mr. Arkansas]

Maybe a bit crowded.

[Samuel Clemens (Mark Twain)]

If that pile of mail sacks topples loose, we'll be crowded right through the back of the coach.

[George Bemis]

Yep, we got £2,700 of mail aboard. Cumbersaut, Lake Carson and Crisco. Habit. The heft of it is for the engines. Mail for the Indians. These powerful troublesomes thought they get plenty of trucks to read.

[Samuel Clemens (Mark Twain)]

It was a superb summer morning, and all the landscape was brilliant with sunshine. So I didn't give much thought to Indians. Literate or illiterate. We felt there was only one complete and satisfying happiness in the world. And we had found we felt a lot different 12 hours later as we slashed through a prairie rainstorm. Yes, Bob? What happened? How should I.

[Mr. Ballou]

Hey, George.

[George Bemis]

The thoroughbrace is broke.

[Samuel Clemens (Mark Twain)]

Just what I was going to say. Thoroughbrace? Is that part of a horse? Well, doubtless a vital part. A leg, maybe. How could a horse break a leg on a road this smooth? He may have been reaching around to bite the driver.

[George Bemis]

Have to turn out a spell, gents. Thoroughbrace is broken. In all this rain, a little drizzle is all. Won't melt you. Here, I'll hold the lantern. So, as you can see, the trouble.

[Samuel Clemens (Mark Twain)]

Yeah? Is the animal in pain.

[George Bemis]

See that doggone step connected to the other belt and spring contraption right there under the rear of the coach?

[Samuel Clemens (Mark Twain)]

Oh.

[George Bemis]

Oh.

[Samuel Clemens (Mark Twain)]

Say, I never saw a thoroughbrace used up like that before. That I can remember. How did it Happen?

[George Bemis]

It happened. Trying to make one coach carry three days mail, that's how. But it's lucky there to protect us from the engines.

[Samuel Clemens (Mark Twain)]

How so?

[George Bemis]

Why right here in this very spot is where I was supposed to leave that whole ton of newspapers for him. And it's so nation dark I might have drove right by if the store brakes hadn't broke. Hey, hey, hey. Now if I can ask you dents to help me cause out the sacks, I'll get amusement in it.

[Samuel Clemens (Mark Twain)]

When will the Indians pick up their mail?

[George Bemis]

In the morning maybe, or next time they're along this way. All I know is that with all this fascinating reading matter they won't be bothering us.

[Samuel Clemens (Mark Twain)]

They didn't. And we enjoyed considerably more leg room in the state. 56 hours later we crossed the Platte river and rattled into Fort Kearney in the territory of Nebraska, 300 miles out of St. Joe. 300 miles in 56 hours. But they went and spoiled it. They pushed the railroad out onto that beautiful Prairie and only 12 years later they made the same 300 miles in less than 16 hours. And now I'm given to understand that this record has recently fallen to the new fangled flying machine. So it's no wonder that the fellows who make these western movies never get a chance to find out what the west is really like. You gotta rock along a rutted trail at 12 miles an hour like we did to understand the country. Soon we acquired certain blisters when they became callouses, the seats became less hard. The driver of the stagecoach was perhaps the very first of a hardy breed. George Bemis was his name. Only nowadays you meet him as Gabby or Chill or Fuzzy or maybe the old Timer. But if any of those Johnny come latelys think they can hold a candle to George Bemis, they'd better start burning it at both ends. Yes.

[George Bemis]

Squaw's late getting back from the buffalo hunt. Well, here's that stupid horse's fault. Kennedy saw that buffalo wheel on him. He raged straight up in the air and stood on his heels.

[Samuel Clemens (Mark Twain)]

He threw you.

[George Bemis]

Takes more horse than him to throw George Bemis. Well then a buffalo made another pass and I may wish to die if the horse didn't stand on his head for a quarter of a minute and shed tears.

[Samuel Clemens (Mark Twain)]

But you stayed on through the flood.

[George Bemis]

I stayed on. Pretty soon the buffalo made a snatch for us and brought away some of my horse's tail. Then you should have seen that spider legged old skeleton of a horse go. And the buffalo cut out after him, which was faster. I never did determine. But by George, it was a hot race. I and his saddle were back on the horse's rump. And I had to bridle my teeth whilst holding onto the pommel with both hands. First we left the dogs behind. Then we passed the J. Then we overtook a coyote. And we was standing on an antelope when the saddle girth let go. And I landed about 30 yards off to the left. At the foot of the only tree in nine counties adjacent. The buffalo come over to see if I was hurt. And one second after that, I was a straddle of the main limb. It was a little over 40ft to the ground from where I sat.

[Samuel Clemens (Mark Twain)]

But you were safe.

[George Bemis]

That's what a tenderfoot like you might assume, Mr. Clemens. But presently a thought come to that buffalo, and he started in to clumb that tree.

[Samuel Clemens (Mark Twain)]

What, the buffalo? Course, who else but a buffalo can't climb a tree.

[George Bemis]

He can't, can he? Since you know so much about it, did you ever see one try?

[Samuel Clemens (Mark Twain)]

No.

[George Bemis]

Well, then the buffalo started to clumb that tree. So I cautiously unwound the lariat from the pommel of my saddle.

[Samuel Clemens (Mark Twain)]

Your saddle? Did you take your saddle up the tree with you?

[George Bemis]

Of course I didn't. It landed there when the horse kicked it. And it was falling off him when the girth let go.

[Samuel Clemens (Mark Twain)]

Oh, I see.

[George Bemis]

Certainly. So I unwound the lariat and fastened one end of it to the limb. Higher and higher. Clumb that buffalo. He hitched his foot over the stump of a limb and looked at me as if to say, you are my.

[Samuel Clemens (Mark Twain)]

Meat friend, but buffaloes don't eat meat.

[George Bemis]

Don't they, though? He was within 10ft of me, his eyes hot, his tongue hanging out. By this time, I had one end of the lariat tied to the limb and the coil all ready. All of a sudden I let go and the slip noose fell fairly round his neck. Quicker than lightning, I was out with my revolver. Hey, that scared the buffalo, too. Must have. For when the smoke cleared away, he'd let loose his hold of the tree trunk. And there he was, dangling in the air, 20ft from the ground. So I shinnied down and headed for home.

[Samuel Clemens (Mark Twain)]

Well, that's quite a story, Mr. Bemis. It's a little hard to swallow, but still quite a story.

[George Bemis]

You wouldn't care to doubt it, would you, young man?

[Samuel Clemens (Mark Twain)]

No.

[George Bemis]

But did I bring back my lariat?

[Samuel Clemens (Mark Twain)]

No.

[George Bemis]

Did I bring back my horse?

[Samuel Clemens (Mark Twain)]

No.

[George Bemis]

Or my saddle?

[Mr. Arkansas]

No.

[Samuel Clemens (Mark Twain)]

Well, then. There's something to be said for a Liar. On a long journey, though a really good one, makes the time pass more quickly. But 20 days is still 20 days. And that's how long it took us to reach Carson City, the capital of Nevada Territory. If you want to know what Carson City looked like back then, just try to recall the little town in High Noon with those funny little white frame buildings that seemed too high to sit down on and hardly high enough for anything else. Carson was like that. And the same sort of things went on there as Gary Cooper and the Princess and all the other fine people acted out. But as I recall, the action at Carson City moved toward its climax without benefit of that old clock on the wall. And there was action. It began the moment we climbed down from the stagecoach. A tall, rangy fellow that might have been Gary's granddad rode up and shook hands with us from the lofty turret of his saddle. Good afternoon. I take it you're Mr. Clemens, the new secretary. I am, sir. And this is my brother, Sam. I'm deeply pleased to welcome you. I'm Mr. Harris. The governor sent me to meet you.

[George Bemis]

Well, now, that's mighty.

[Samuel Clemens (Mark Twain)]

I'm afraid I'll have to ask you to excuse me a minute. Yonder is the witness who swore I helped rob the California coach some weeks ago. A piece of impertinent meddling, gentlemen, for I'm not even acquainted with the man.

[Mr. Arkansas]

Get up there. Whoa.

[Samuel Clemens (Mark Twain)]

Now, gentlemen, if there is any way I may be of service. I never saw Mr. Harris shoot down a man after that without recalling my first day in Carson City. I was wonderfully fascinated with the curious new country, and I set about to become a real Westerner. Now, every Westerner must have a horse to ride. A noble, intelligent, friendly beast, which I understand, according to routine film procedures, must be acquired by saving it in colthood from a stock shot of a cougar. Or at very least, from a mob of blackguards bent on thwarting the spca. But that is the hard way to get a horse.

[George Bemis]

$20 I am bid for this noble beast, friends. Don't hurt the animal's pride, now, do I hear 22?

[Mr. Ballou]

It looks like that one's going pretty cheap, don't it? Strange.

[Samuel Clemens (Mark Twain)]

Well, I'm not too familiar with the local market.

[Mr. Ballou]

Saddle alone's worth the money, friends.

[George Bemis]

Who'll make it 22?

[Mr. Ballou]

22.

[George Bemis]

$22 I'm bid. And it's still a stealing to cry and shake.

[Samuel Clemens (Mark Twain)]

Well, I was about to bid myself, but if you want him.

[Mr. Ballou]

I don't really want him. I wouldn't know what to do with another horse. It's just that I know this one. I know him well.

[George Bemis]

You are here.

[Mr. Arkansas]

24.

[Mr. Ballou]

Now, you might think he was an American horse. Well, he's nothing of the kind.

[George Bemis]

22. Going, going.

[Mr. Ballou]

24.

[George Bemis]

24 is big. Thank you.

[Mr. Arkansas]

Show me.

[George Bemis]

20 before. But it's magnificent.

[CBS Radio Announcer]

Super.

[Mr. Ballou]

Excuse my speaking in a low voice, stranger. Other people being near and all that. But he is without a shadow of a doubt a genuine Mexican plug.

[Samuel Clemens (Mark Twain)]

Really?

[Mr. Ballou]

Yes, sir, a genuine Mexican plug. I only wish I could use him, see? Why don't you bid on him?

[Samuel Clemens (Mark Twain)]

Oh, has he any other advantages?

[Mr. Ballou]

Oh, yeah. 24. He can out buck anything in America.

[Samuel Clemens (Mark Twain)]

You're sure you don't want him?

[Mr. Ballou]

No, no, no. I wish I did. You go right ahead, sir.

[George Bemis]

24 and a half. Three times.

[Samuel Clemens (Mark Twain)]

27.

[George Bemis]

Sold.

[Mr. Ballou]

Sold.

[George Bemis]

Come and get him, friend.

[Mr. Ballou]

Congratulations, stranger. You always get a bargain when my brother auctions off a horse.

[Samuel Clemens (Mark Twain)]

Certain citizens held my genuine Mexican plug by the head and others by the. I mounted him as soon as they let go. He placed all his feet in a bunch together, lowered his back, then suddenly arched it upward and shot me straight into the air. The third time I went up, I heard my new friend say, oh, don't he buck, though? When I came down again, the genuine Mexican plug was not there. He darted away like a telegram, soared over three fences like a bird and disappear down the road toward the Washoe Valley. I sat down on a stone with a sigh. One of my hands sought my forehead, the other the base of my stomach. I never appreciated till then the poverty of the human machine for I still needed a hand or two to place elsewhere. And subsequent events, as you shall see, convinced me that the movie maker perhaps is inclined to romanticize the horse's usefulness to man. Now, this was the time of the great silver fever. John Wayne himself searched for the Comanche no more avidly or in deeper snow than the inhabitants of Nevada searched for hidden wealth. I succumbed and joined a prospecting party consisting of a Mr. Ballou, a Mr. Ollendorf, me and three miserable horses. We rode out of Carson on a chilly December afternoon and some days later.

[George Bemis]

Move now. Come along here, you spamming monster.

[Samuel Clemens (Mark Twain)]

Move. Mine doesn't pull any easier than yours, Baloo.

[George Bemis]

This one pulls even harder yet. Maybe they don't like it, the snow.

[Samuel Clemens (Mark Twain)]

I don't like it the snow either. On Endorfe, we should have stayed at the stage station. Another day or two maybe, till we.

[George Bemis]

Could see where we was going.

[Samuel Clemens (Mark Twain)]

My head.

[CBS Radio Announcer]

It is like a compass.

[George Bemis]

Exactly where we are going, I know by instinct.

[Samuel Clemens (Mark Twain)]

Well now, that's splendid news. The last four hours would have been happier if you'd told us four hours ago.

[George Bemis]

My instinct sets a beeline. If we was to waver off that beeline a single degree of the compass, my instinct, she would say whoa. I didn't mean you whoa. I mean myself woe. Come, horse. Oh, we should have traveled with the party left before us this morning.

[Samuel Clemens (Mark Twain)]

I rather wish we had.

[George Bemis]

Over here are the tracks of that party. Say, they are tracks at that. So we hurry and catch up with them. I told you, my head, it is like a compass pum. Horse.

[Samuel Clemens (Mark Twain)]

We must be catching them. Tracks look fresher.

[George Bemis]

Yeah, there seems to be more of them. Maybe some others also have joined the party. Come, horse. More people joining a party all the time.

[Samuel Clemens (Mark Twain)]

I wonder how such a large group of people can be so quiet.

[George Bemis]

Well, maybe they don't like each other. Come, horse.

[Samuel Clemens (Mark Twain)]

Enough tracks now for a platoon of.

[George Bemis]

Soldiers, a regiment yet. Any minute we catch up with that. Yeah, any minute. Boys. Wait. These here is our own tracks. We've been circusing around in a confounded circle for the last two hours.

[Samuel Clemens (Mark Twain)]

What?

[George Bemis]

Well, certainly we have. Not a very big circle at that. But my head, it is like a compass, Ohendorf.

[Samuel Clemens (Mark Twain)]

Your head, it is like a rock.

[George Bemis]

You horsey horsey horsey. Oh, Clemens, if you hadn't used up all them matches.

[Samuel Clemens (Mark Twain)]

Well, if you hadn't got the fool notion that frozen sagebrush would burn, you.

[Mr. Arkansas]

Hadn'T dropped the bridles and lost the.

[George Bemis]

Horses when all the north tried to light the fire. Fire. But shooting his pistol into it. You horsy horsey horsey.

[Samuel Clemens (Mark Twain)]

Now, if horses would stay by their master's sides through thick and thin like those lying books say they.

[George Bemis]

If you hadn't overslept this morning so we could have joined that other party.

[Samuel Clemens (Mark Twain)]

If all Endorf hadn't led us around.

[George Bemis]

And around in circles. Boys, boys, boys. Let us die without hard feelings toward each other. Let us forgive and forget. Bygones. Maybe you have felt hard toward me. Well, I have felt hard toward you too. You aboard a couple of doomcooks. But I forgive you. I forgive you with all my heart. You know something, Hollandorff? You make me ashamed of myself. Now you are a pompous Prussian ass. Yah.

[Samuel Clemens (Mark Twain)]

But I forgive you too, Baloo Hollandorf. I hadn't traveled one mile with you before I decided you were the biggest bores the Maker ever could created. Yeah, but I forgive both of you.

[George Bemis]

Well, thanks.

[Samuel Clemens (Mark Twain)]

I could not die with two finer gentlemen.

[George Bemis]

Well, let's shake hands and then lie down in the snow. And in the morning, why, we'll be frozen to death. Yeah, they say that freezing to death is the most happiest way to die.

[Samuel Clemens (Mark Twain)]

That's what they say.

[George Bemis]

So long, oh, Vita, say goodbye.

[Samuel Clemens (Mark Twain)]

A delicious dreaminess wove its web about my yielding senses. The snowflakes wove a winding sheet about my conquered body. Oblivion came. We woke in the gray dawn and not 15ft away under the shed of the stage station stood our noble horses. It's no fault of theirs that I ever got back to Carson City and continued my research on the mores and peoples of the West. It was a grueling job. And when I became so physically exhausted that I felt the need of a bit of spiritus frumenty to rub on my corns, I would repair to an establishment noted for its medicinal hospitality. Now, I have no quarrel with the Hollywood notion that ruffians are found in saloons. I have no quarrel with calling these ignoble creatures by the names of states such as Montana, Texas or Black Bart. But I do quarrel with their idea of the raw passions that ignite a bar room. Quarrel, and I give them Arkansas.

[Mr. Arkansas]

Come on, landlord, you can get that bottle on the bar faster than that, can't you?

[Mr. Ballou]

No offense, Mr. Arkansas. There's other guests in the place, too, you know.

[Mr. Arkansas]

I got eyes.

[Mr. Ballou]

There you are. Your second bottle today, miss Arkansas.

[Mr. Arkansas]

Put this one on my bill, too.

[Mr. Ballou]

Well, now, I was reading about Pennsylvania. Election, I reckon it was.

[Mr. Arkansas]

Oh, what do you know about Pennsylvania? Answer me that, Johnson. What do you know about Pennsylvania?

[Mr. Ballou]

Well, I was only going to say that.

[Mr. Arkansas]

You were? What was you going to say? That's what I want to know. Yeah, repeat what you said about Pennsylvania if you dare.

[Mr. Ballou]

Why, I was only going to say that Pennsylvania was going to have election next week. That was all I was going to say. I wish I may never stir if it wasn't.

[Mr. Arkansas]

And why don't you say it?

[George Bemis]

What?

[Mr. Arkansas]

You come swelling around that way for, trying to raise trouble?

[Mr. Ballou]

Well, I didn't come swelling around, Mr. Arkansas. I was already here because I own this place and I just.

[Mr. Arkansas]

Oh, so I'm a liar, am I?

[Mr. Ballou]

Now, please, now, please, I never meant such a thing as that.

[Mr. Arkansas]

I got ears any man calls me a liar.

[Mr. Ballou]

Oh, now, come on now, Mr. Arkansas. Let's take a drink together. Let's shake hands and take a drink.

[Mr. Arkansas]

Well, now that you put it that way.

[Mr. Ballou]

Come on up, everybody. It's my treat. Bill Tom Bob Ballou. Come on up.

[Mr. Arkansas]

Yeah, just leave the bottle.

[Mr. Ballou]

I want you all to take a drink with me in Arkansas. Old Arkansas, I call him. Give me your hand again. Old Arkansas. Give me that old flipper again.

[Mr. Arkansas]

Long as you say so and as long as. As your bias.

[Mr. Ballou]

Why, sure, sure. Hey, drink up there, balloo. Oh, say, by the way, how's your father?

[George Bemis]

Not so good.

[Mr. Ballou]

You know, my father was upwards of 80 year old when he passed away. And if he hadn't.

[Mr. Arkansas]

Landlord, will you please make that remark over again, if you please.

[Mr. Ballou]

Why, I was just saying to Balu that my father was upwards of 80 year old when he died.

[Mr. Arkansas]

Was that all you said?

[George Bemis]

That was all.

[Mr. Arkansas]

You didn't say nothing about that?

[Mr. Ballou]

No, nothing.

[Mr. Arkansas]

Look, what's the idea of raking up old personalities and blowing about your father? Ain't this crowd agreeable to you?

[Mr. Ballou]

Of course, this crowd.

[Mr. Arkansas]

If this crowd ain't agreeable to you, perhaps we'd better leave. Is that your idea?

[Mr. Ballou]

Why, bless your soul, Arkansas, I wasn't thinking of such a thing. I only said that my father.

[Mr. Arkansas]

Landlord, don't crowd a man. Don't do it. Don't rake up old bygones and throw them in the teeth of a passable people who wants to be peaceful if they could get a chance. What's the matter with you today anyway?

[Mr. Ballou]

I can show I really didn't mean no harm. But with so many customers, a man's gotta give each one a little.

[Mr. Arkansas]

Well, that's what's Rankin. Your heart, is it? Too many customers, you want us to leave, is that it?

[Mr. Ballou]

Now please, please be reasonable, Arkansas. You know I ain't a man.

[Mr. Arkansas]

Come out. Mind that bar.

[Mr. Ballou]

Now please, Arkansas. Please, please, please don't shoot. There's gotta be bloodshed.

[Mr. Arkansas]

So it's blood you want, you raven desperado. You made up your mind to murder somebody today and it's me. You got mine. A can't do that. I get one chance first. You thieving, black hearted, white liver son.

[George Bemis]

Of a sea cook.

[Mr. Arkansas]

Draw your weapon.

[Samuel Clemens (Mark Twain)]

Let me see Hollywood. Stop that one. Without rivers of blood and mothers dragging their screaming offspring from the theaters never to return, Hollywood would never think the carnage could be halted by the tender words and frail beauty of the pioneer, would it?

[Mr. Ballou]

What's going on in here.

[Mrs. Johnson]

Johnson? What do you mean stumbling through our nice glass door that way? And who's doing that shooting? Who's causing all this? Oh, it's you, is it, Arkansas?

[Mr. Arkansas]

Mrs. Johnson, I didn't.

[Mrs. Johnson]

Don't tell me what you mean. You're the only one with shooting iron smoking. Well, when a man can't hold more than 2, 3 quarts of whiskey without he has to disturb a poor woman who's slavin her life away over a boilin hot range trying to prepare a few victuals to keep the customers from starvin theirselves to death, and causing her clumsy oath of a husband to smash hisself through a lovely glass door which we only had shipped clear out here to make the place a little mite more like things was back in Scranton, Pennsylvania. Well, you fire off that pistol once more and I'll run this butcher knife clean down from your guzzle to your boots. Do I make myself clear?

[Samuel Clemens (Mark Twain)]

Yes'm.

[Mrs. Johnson]

All right, now do your drinkin peaceable.

[George Bemis]

All right, G.

[Samuel Clemens (Mark Twain)]

There's lots more in my book. The real information about the west information appears to stew out of me naturally, like precious otter of roses out of the otter. So, as I previously remarked, any writing fellows contemplating an adult Western can find the book in the public library. Its title is Roughing it, and its authority is yours truly, Samuel Clemens.

[CBS Radio Announcer]

The cbs radio workshop, produced and transcribed in hollywood by william n. Robeson, has tonight presented roughing it by samuel clemens, adapted for radio by francis van hartisfeldt and directed by Mr. Robeson. Louis van ruten was heard as sam clemens. Included in the cast were dj thompson, eddie marr, dawes butler, peter leeds, howard mcnear, jack crucian, hal perry, and junius matthews. The original score was composed and conducted by amerigo marino. Next week, the workshop will be heard from New York in a demonstration of a writer at work by and with Hector Chevigny, author of the daytime serial the second Mrs. Burton. Looking for a shortcut to satisfaction? There's nothing quite as satisfactory as knowing you've accomplished a good deed. And when you do that good deed through your United Community Fund, you really are taking that shortcut. When you're thinking about lending your support to the United Fund in your town, CBS Radio hopes you'll remember that the United Fund is a way to help many worthwhile efforts with just one gesture on your part.

[Andrew Rines]

This has been a presentation of otrwesterns.com and we hope you enjoyed. Please take some time to like and rate this episode within your favorite podcast application. Follow us on Facebook by going to otrwesterns.com Facebook and subscribe to our YouTube channel by going to otrwesterns.Com YouTube become one of our ranch hands and unlock some exclusive content. We want to thank our most recent ranch hands, Steve and Ron W. Who joined us recently. You too can join by going to otrwesterns.com donate send us an email podcasttrwesterns.com and you can call and leave us a voicemail. 707-986-8739 this episode is copyrighted under the Attribution Non Commercial Share Alike Copyright. For more information go to otrwesterns.com copyright have a great day and thanks for listening.

[Samuel Clemens (Mark Twain)]

Sa.