Podcast Summary: "3 Things To Do If You're Still Not Over Your Ex"
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Host: Jay Shetty
Episode Title: 3 Things To Do If You're Still Not Over Your Ex

Introduction

In this insightful episode of On Purpose with Jay Shetty, host Jay Shetty delves deep into the emotional turmoil following a breakup and offers practical strategies to help individuals move forward. Whether the heartbreak is recent or lingering for years, Jay provides compassionate guidance to navigate the complexities of post-relationship healing.

1. Understanding the Difficulty of Moving On

[05:15] Jay begins by acknowledging that it's entirely normal to struggle with moving on after a breakup. He emphasizes that lingering feelings do not signify weakness or a flawed character but are a natural response to the profound emotional bonds formed during a relationship.

Jay Shetty: "It's absolutely normal to feel like you're not over your ex. It doesn't make you weak. It doesn't make you someone who's got it all wrong."

He references neuroethicist Nicole Vincent's research, drawing parallels between the emotional withdrawal from a breakup and drug addiction withdrawal. This comparison highlights the intense neurochemical changes that occur, making the healing process particularly challenging.

Jay Shetty: "Some of the things that you experience when you end a relationship are not dissimilar to the withdrawal from drugs and drug addiction."

Jay also cites Professor Paxenos, who explains that the same neural rewards involved in activities like eating are activated when losing a loved one, underscoring the deep-seated biological responses to breakups.

2. The Role of Environment in Healing

[10:45] Jay emphasizes the critical role that changing one’s environment plays in the healing process. He argues that altering your surroundings can significantly impact your ability to detach from the past and foster new memories untainted by associations with the ex-partner.

Jay Shetty: "Changing our environment changes our experience. It's as simple as that."

Using a personal anecdote, Jay recounts an experience where a negative event in a particular setting led to long-term aversions associated with that environment. This story exemplifies how sensory triggers can perpetuate emotional pain.

Jay Shetty: "The brain can actually reactivate the feelings associated with sensory stimuli like sights, sounds, and smells."

To mitigate these triggers, Jay suggests practical steps such as taking a vacation, relocating temporarily, or avoiding places that hold significant memories of the relationship. These changes help create a mental and emotional distance necessary for healing.

3. Replacing Habits and Emotions

[18:30] After addressing environmental changes, Jay moves on to the importance of replacing lost habits and emotions. He explains that habitual interactions and emotional exchanges with an ex can create voids that need filling with new, positive activities and relationships.

Jay Shetty: "We have to replace that habit. Otherwise, our mind will simply spiral."

Jay advises listeners to identify specific habits they miss, such as morning calls or evening chats, and find substitutes to prevent the mind from fixating on these routines. For instance, establishing new morning routines or engaging in different evening activities can help disrupt the cycle of longing.

Jay Shetty: "Who are you gonna text instead in the morning? Who are you gonna call instead at 8pm?"

On the emotional front, Jay encourages individuals to seek new emotional exchanges. This can be achieved by cultivating friendships that provide different types of support, such as adventure, vulnerability, or companionship, thereby enriching one’s emotional landscape beyond the past relationship.

Jay Shetty: "If you keep drawing it to the same person or to no one, go and build a new relationship that gives you that."

4. Building Yourself Post-Breakup

[23:10] Jay underscores the importance of focusing on personal growth and development as a means to heal from a breakup. Instead of dwelling on the past, he advocates for channeling energy into creating and building aspects of one’s life that foster a sense of accomplishment and self-worth.

Jay Shetty: "When we're more focused on building, we're less focused on the breakup."

He encourages listeners to invest time in their careers, hobbies, and personal interests, thereby shifting their attention towards positive endeavors that contribute to their overall well-being and happiness.

Jay Shetty: "The opposite of breaking is building. What are you building? Are you building your career? Are you building yourself?"

Jay also highlights the detrimental effects of ruminating over what was lost, reminding listeners that such thoughts consume valuable mental energy that could otherwise be directed towards new opportunities and relationships.

Jay Shetty: "When we're obsessed with the past rather than focused on the opportunities of the present, we're stealing from ourselves."

Key Takeaways and Insights

1. Embrace Your Emotions: Recognize that struggling to move on is a natural and valid emotional response. Allow yourself the compassion and empathy needed during this period.

2. Change Your Environment: Actively altering your surroundings can disrupt negative associations and provide a fresh perspective, aiding in the healing process.

3. Replace Habits and Emotions: Identify and substitute the lost routines and emotional exchanges with new, fulfilling activities and relationships to prevent mental spirals.

4. Focus on Personal Growth: Invest energy in building and developing yourself, redirecting focus from the past to the present and future opportunities.

5. Avoid Ruminating: Steer clear of obsessive thoughts about the past relationship, as they drain mental energy and hinder personal progress.

Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Understanding Normalcy in Pain

  • [05:15] "It's absolutely normal to feel like you're not over your ex. It doesn't make you weak. It doesn't make you someone who's got it all wrong."

• Connection Between Breakups and Addiction

  • [06:40] "Some of the things that you experience when you end a relationship are not dissimilar to the withdrawal from drugs and drug addiction."

• Power of Environmental Change

  • [10:45] "Changing our environment changes our experience. It's as simple as that."

• Replacing Habits

  • [18:30] "We have to replace that habit. Otherwise, our mind will simply spiral."

• Building vs. Breaking

  • [23:10] "The opposite of breaking is building. What are you building? Are you building your career? Are you building yourself?"

• Stealing from Yourself

  • [27:50] "When we're obsessed with the past rather than focused on the opportunities of the present, we're stealing from ourselves."

Conclusion

Jay Shetty's episode on moving past an ex offers a blend of psychological insights and actionable advice, grounded in both scientific research and personal experience. By understanding the emotional and chemical challenges of breakups, altering one's environment, replacing old habits with new ones, and focusing on personal growth, listeners are equipped with the tools necessary to heal and thrive after a relationship ends. This compassionate guidance serves as a beacon for anyone navigating the difficult journey of moving on.

Listener Reviews

Listeners have lauded this episode for its depth and practicality:

• Reviewer A: "This is an amazing podcast with great information to help with any mental health challenges you're facing."
• Reviewer B: "This podcast emphasizes just being there and alongside them is the most important thing you can do to build resilient humans."
• Reviewer C: "I have been watching this show for years and it has helped me so much throughout those years and continues to do so. I look forward to watching and listening every single week."

Jay encourages listeners to share the episode with friends who might be struggling and to leave reviews to support the podcast's mission.

Final Thoughts

If you find yourself lingering on a past relationship, remember that healing is a journey, not a destination. By embracing your emotions, altering your environment, replacing old habits, and focusing on self-development, you can navigate through the pain and emerge stronger. Jay Shetty’s compassionate and insightful guidance offers a valuable roadmap for anyone seeking to move forward with grace and resilience.

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