B (16:12)

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A (16:42)

The second thing I want you to learn to do is harness your unconscious competence. There are four stages of learning. Now, have you ever learned something new and felt you were horrible at it, only to get to a point where it becomes second nature? That is the principle of unconscious competence. You're more capable than you think, but it's hidden in plain sight. The problem is we often don't acknowledge our progress. So the first layer that we start at is called unconscious incompetence. You're unaware of the things you're not even very good at. Right? We actually don't know our blind spots. They're called blind spots for a reason. There are lots of things that we don't know that we're good at. But let's say we say to ourselves, you know what? This is the year I'm going to learn how to build good habits. This is the year I'm going to develop a reading habit. This is the year that I'm going to develop a meditation habit. This is the year that I'm going to quit sugar. This is the year that I'm going to work out every day. Now you rise to something known as conscious incompetence. You don't just go to developing that habit. You actually have to live through the experience of being consciously incompetent. What does that mean? It means you're aware of your incompetence. You're aware of the fact that you can't do something, that you're not good at it. You're aware of it now. You tried to build a habit at the start of this year, and now you've realized you couldn't. You tried to work out every day this year, and you realized it wasn't that easy. You tried to meditate every day this year, and you struggled. And this is a natural realization. There is no one who has mastered a skill who hasn't had to experience this. There was a day you shifted from unconscious incompetence to conscious incompetence. You went from being unaware to being aware. And this is actually a really painful thing. I want to acknowledge this. This is a really painful thing because we want to go from not knowing something to knowing it. We don't want to go from not knowing something to knowing that we don't know it and that we're not good at it either. It's actually a really hard stage. And the majority of people will duck out at this point because they don't want to live with the rejection. They don't want to live with the failure. They don't want to live with the pain of the realization that we don't know. Let's say you said, hey, I'm going to take on this extra task at work. I'm going to learn project management, I'm going to learn social media, I'm going to learn about AI. And then all of a sudden, you start reading a book, you start reading a article, you start, you know, going through some sort of guide, and you go, wow, I know nothing. I know nothing. Now, what happens when you stick it through, right? When you push forward, and this is a really, really important thing, when you push through, what happens is you get to conscious competence. You keep working, you keep practicing, you keep developing. And now you. You know what it takes to perform well. You know, how much focus is required, how much discipline is required, how much energy is required. And all of a sudden you start to understand. But you're dependent on a certain environment, a certain set of skills, a certain set of parameters, boundaries to be able to perform at that level, right? And then finally you get to something known as unconscious competence. This means you've become so good at it that it's second nature. You don't even think about it. You're not even aware of it. So here's what I wanted you to do practically. I want you to identify something you do well but you don't actually recognize as a skill. Maybe you're amazing at organizing problem solving. Maybe you're great at making people laugh. Use that as your starting point for confidence. Acknowledge that you already have skills at a deep level and that you're more skilled than your insecurities suggest. Because what happens is when you go through this process, that's when you honor your skills, skills that you have where you haven't gone through this process consciously. That's the ones that you undervalue. We undervalue skills that we have naturally, and we overvalue skills that we don't have naturally. If you don't have a skill and someone else has it, you think, oh, my God, they're so talented. It's a gift from God. They must be amazing. I could never be that. I could never do that. Not true. It's just that you haven't gone on that journey. People look at you and feel the same thing. I promise. You even check in with your friends and say, what do you think I'm great at? That I don't even acknowledge sometimes. I'm sure they'll say something to you, right? I'll give you an example. Let's say you've been feeling insecure about your career progress. But remember, you've probably been successfully managing multiple projects or influencing others for years without even noticing it. I want you to tap into that unconscious competence you already have and then go on that journey from unconscious incompetence to conscious incompetence to conscious competence to unconscious competence with the skill that you want to develop and learn. I promise you, when you go through that journey, it will build so much strength and courage. But start with something you already have. Step number three. I want you to face your fear of not being seen. This is something known as the spotlight effect. The spotlight effect tells us that we tend to believe others are scrutinizing us far more than they actually are. It's a classic insecurity trigger. Everyone is watching me fail, right? We've all felt that. Oh my gosh, I just tripped over. Everyone saw that. Oh, I asked that silly question in the meeting. Everyone saw that. Oh, my boss didn't quite get the project I handed in. Everyone saw that. You know, I was late today. Everyone saw that. The truth. People are too focused on their own lives to scrutinize yours. While you're worrying about how you're seen, everyone is worrying about how they're seen. Every single person in that room is evaluating, critiquing, assessing themselves as they talk. And yes, they might think about you for 10% of the time if that, but for 90% of the time, they are hyper focused on themselves. So the trick is to stop hyper focusing on yourself. Redirect your attention outward. Rather than fixating on how you're being perceived, start paying attention to others. Listen, engage, ask questions. The more you make other people the focus of your attention, the less you feel trapped in the spotlight of self doubt. People think being confident means being interesting. Sometimes the best way to feel confident is to be interested. Be interested instead of trying to be interesting and you will be more confident. Conversation will flow, natural questions will come up. When you're trying to tell a funny story, right? Let's talk about this. You meet someone new, you're out with friends, and there's some new people at the table you haven't met. You try to tell a funny story to come across relatable. No one really laughs. And now you're sitting there going, oh my gosh, they think I'm a loser. I'm not funny. I didn't say anything relatable. What do I say next? Guess what? You've just not listened to them. You've Literally missed words that have come out of their mouth, what they've said, how they feel, and now it's back to your turn. And guess what, you try and tell another story, you try and say something else, and maybe this time you try and make it meaningful. And again, maybe you get a reaction, maybe you don't. And now you go back into self analysis mode. Okay, they didn't laugh at me. They didn't think I was that meaningful. Okay, maybe I should just. What should I do now? Guess what? You've missed what they said again, if you just listened, asked a question, maybe replied with a comment, built up some confidence, built up some trust, built up some reciprocal rapport, and then you told that story. Now you have so much more to go on. I was at dinner the other night and I noticed how one person at the table just kept making it about themselves and everyone else would go quiet because the person was quite dominant. And I could see that this conversation was just turning into them making it a therapy session for themselves and so acknowledging their feelings and empathetically responding to them. I would then open the question up and try and ask the person to my left a question. The person opposite me, the person to my right. And what I found is that I also didn't want to be that person. I didn't want to be the person who was directing or driving the conversation to be around me. I wanted to learn about everyone. I wanted everyone to be a part of the conversation. And I felt so confident doing that. But if I would have just tried to be confident by making myself the central focus, I'd actually be more scared. I'd be more worried. Take yourself out of the spotlight, put the spotlight onto others, and you won't be as scared. Step number four Understand the power of Sunk Cost fallacy. I remember studying economics, and I remember this behavioral economics term called the sunk cost fallacy. It's when we continue doing something because we've already invested time, money or effort, even when it's clearly not serving us. Insecurity often thrives when you feel like you failed in some way and you can't back out now, it traps you in the belief that you're stuck. I'll give you a few examples. Let's say you studied something at college and even though you hate it, even though you don't want to do your career in it, you don't like your job, you still keep doing it because you have sunk cost fallacy. Maybe you invested in something a few years ago. It's not going that well, you're never going to see a return, but you keep investing in it because of sunk cost fallacy. That's how it works. Now what you have to do in this scenario is recognize when you're holding onto a situation or mindset that no longer serves you just because of past investment. Give yourself permission to walk away from anything that's draining your energy, whether it's a toxic relationship, a career that no longer excites you, or a self image that's outdated. I find that last one to be the most interesting. Going away from a self image, that's outdated. It's okay. Our insecurity stems from the fact we keep investing in things that we know don't work. And in turn, that makes us less confident. In turn, it makes us value ourselves less because whatever we're doing is not growing in value. You've been in your job for years and while it once felt like the perfect fit, it's no longer fulfilling. But you stay because of all the years you've invested. And that is what ruins your confidence. It makes you more insecure, it makes you more self conscious, it makes you more self critical and judgmental because things are not going well and you keep putting pressure on yourself. So how do you do? How do you change? You recognize it's okay to invest differently. It's okay to reallocate that time, that energy, that, that money, whatever it was. Because guess what? When you do that, you can reap another reward. Step five. We have to reclaim our control with our locus of control. Let me explain what that means. Your locus of control is a concept in psychology that refers to whether you believe outcomes in your life are under your control or dictated by external forces. Insecurity comes from feeling like you have no control or that everything depends on luck or others. We say things like, yeah, if the universe wants, yeah, if my boss realizes it, yeah, if my partner gets there one day. We're outsourcing, postponing and post dating our own life. We're hoping, wishing, wanting, waiting for something to change without focusing on our own agency and the autonomy that we have. Shift your mindset on what you can control, what action can you switch, what conversation can you have, what attitude can you develop? Stop waiting for others to validate your worth or success. When you fully embrace that you're in control. Insecurity has nowhere to take root. Insecurity takes root when we keep repeating things like, yeah, it's up to them if they feel like it, hopefully they'll change one day. We're taking no Responsibility and accountability in our own lives. It's like saying, I'm going to sit in the passenger seat and I'll just go wherever the driver wants. I won't give them any directions. I won't suggest a drive. I won't take control. Let's just hope they go in the right direction. Let me give you another example. In real life, like, you're feeling insecure about a relationship and what your partner thinks of you. And instead of fixating on their behavior or approval, think about what you can control. Your own boundaries, your self respect. The more you focus on your agency, the less power insecurity has. Now I have a couple more I want to share with you. Number six is utilize the false consensus effect. The false consensus effect is when we assume that everyone else thinks the way we do. We think that our mistakes or quirks are glaringly obvious. But the reality is other people don't notice as much as you think. Right? We have a spot on our face and we think everyone sees it that day. And the truth is no one can see it. And we blow that out of proportion and we make it our identity. When you feel insecure, realize that others aren't as focused on your flaws as you might believe. And often you're the one amplifying your flaws so that people start to notice them more. Most people are so preoccupied with their own lives and they're scrutinizing themselves. But when you start scrutinizing yourself publicly, and I've heard people do this like, oh, you know, I always hand in a bad project, oh, you know, I'm always late, that's what starts to create that self fulfilling prophecy and the judgment that people have. So don't take that too seriously and stop repeating who you don't want to be. And the final step is to break free from imposter syndrome using cognitive dissonance. Now, cognitive dissonance occurs when your actions conflict with your beliefs. If you're succeeding in your career or relationships, but you still feel like a fraud, your brain experiences a disconnect making you feel insecure. How many of you have ever felt that no matter what you do, no matter what you achieve, you're always thinking, how am I here? I don't deserve to be here. I know I felt that way before. It's really hard. We struggle to celebrate our wins, but we find it so easy to criticize our losses. We will quickly judge our mistakes, but we will very slowly celebrate our wins. Please take your wins as importantly as your losses. Don't overvalue failure and undervalue success. Thank you so much for listening to today. I'm so glad that you trusted me with your time. And remember, insecurity isn't some personal flaw. It's a byproduct of outdated mental patterns and learned behaviors that are keeping you stuck. But the good news is you can change all of that by understanding how your brain works. Using advanced psychological theories like cognitive dissonance, sun cost fallacy, and the locus of control, you can take back control, embrace your unique strengths, and walk confidently into the life you've always wanted. Confidence is not something that comes easily to anyone. It's something you build and you just started today. Remember, I'm forever in your corner and I'm always rooting for you and I'm so grateful for your love and trust. Thank you so much. See you soon. Thank you so much for listening to this conversation. If you enjoyed it, you'll love my chat with Adam Grant on why discomfort is the key to growth and the strategies for unlocking your hidden potential. If you know you want to be more and achieve more this year, go check it out right now.

B (34:28)

You set a goal today, you achieve.

A (34:29)

It in six months, and then by.

B (34:31)

The time it happens, it's almost a relief. There's no sense of meaning and purpose. You sort of expected it, and you would have been disappointed if it didn't happen.

A (34:39)

Amazon One Medical Presents Painful Thoughts I.

B (34:44)

Could catch anything sitting in this doctor's waiting room. A kid just wiped his runny nose on my jacket and the guy next to me sitting in a pool of perspiration insists on sharing my armrest.

A (34:57)

Next time, make an appointment with an Amazon One medical provider. There's no waiting and no sweaty guy. Amazon one Medical Healthcare just got less painful.

B (35:09)

This podcast is supported by BetterHelp, offering licensed therapists you can connect with via video phone or chat. Here's BetterHelp head of clinical operations Hesi Jo discussing who can benefit from therapy. I think a lot of people think that you're supposed to be going to therapy once you're like having panic attacks every day. But before you get to that point, I think once you start even noticing that you feel a little bit off and you can't maintain this harmony that you once had in relationships, that could be a sign that maybe you want to go talk to somebody. There's always a benefit in talking to someone because we can all benefit from improved insight about ourselves and who we are and how we behave with other people. So if you're human, that's like a good indicator that you could benefit from talking to somebody. Find out if therapy is right for you. Visit betterhelp.com today. That's betterhelp.com this message comes from Greenlight. Ready to start talking to your kids about financial literacy? Meet Greenlight, the debit card and money app that teaches kids and teens how to earn, save, spend wisely, and invest. With your guardrails in place with Greenlight, you can send money to kids quickly, set up chores, automate allowance, and keep an eye on what your kids are spending with real time notifications. Join millions of parents and kids building healthy financial habits together on Greenlight. Get started risk free@greenlight.com iheartra.