Jay Shetty (2:15)
Sent to your inbox every Thursday, just go to jsheddynewsletter.com to sign up. Now that's jshettynewsletter.com a brand new newsletter comes out every week. I can't wait for you to read it. A lot of us have to Recognize that change is something that has to come from within. They have to feel like this new life will be good for them, but they have to know it in their language, with their reasons. They have to commit to that change. Is someone telling you they're going to change? Or is someone showing you the signs that they're ready to commit to change? The number one health and wellness podcast, Jay Shetty. Jay Shetty. The one, the only, Jay Shetty. Hey, everyone. Welcome back to On Purpose. Thank you for trusting me with your time and energy. I don't take it for granted, and I'm so grateful that you've chosen to be with me here today. It's been an incredible few weeks. We've had everyone from Shawn Mendes to Andrew Huberman on the podcast, Nicole Lepera, incredible therapist and thinker, and so many more amazing guests yet to come. I also hope you've been taking a look at my solo podcast, because there have been some workshops that have really resonated with you recently. But I'm guessing you're here today because there's someone in your life that you wish would change. Maybe it's your partner, maybe it's a parent, maybe it's someone in your professional environment at work, maybe it's a sibling. Either way, there's someone in your life that you're wishing, waiting, and wanting for to change. And maybe you've tried already to help them change. Maybe you've pushed them to change. Maybe you even made the mistake of forcing them to change. And you're sitting there right now going, jay, I just don't know if they're ever going to change. Can people change? That's our question for today. That's what you're thinking about, and that's what I'm going to guide you through over the next 30 minutes or so to recognize what is change? What does it look like? Is it possible? If you want to know if that person will ever change this episode for you. If you're struggling with someone because they're not changing, this episode's for you. And if you're someone who's just trying to figure it out, this episode is for you. Now, the first thing I want to do is take a very factual look at change when we look at change in society, change in community, change individually. Studies show that forming a habit can take anywhere from 18 to 254 days, with an average of 66 days to form a habit. But that's not the kind of change you're talking about when we're asking this question. Can people really change? We're talking about something far more core or fundamental. We're talking about values. We're talking about attitudes, behaviors, mindsets, right? Maybe you want someone to change the way they appreciate you. Maybe you want someone to change the way they think about care. Maybe you want someone to change the way they talk to you, communicate with you. Maybe you want to change the way someone behaves with you. Adapting to change, studies show, can take around 90 days. And seeing significant change in society can take 30 years or more. Notice the difference. Changing a habit, average 66 days. Adapting to a change, 90 days. Seeing norms set into society, 30 years. So we've got to look at the person and we've got to empathize and be compassionate and realize, are they trying to change a habit? Are they adapting to a change? Or really is it that we're hoping that they change a norm in their life? Now, I want to give you an answer, in short, that of course people can change, but different parts of them take longer to change. And there are far more aspects that are unchangeable than we believe. And when I say unchangeable, I don't mean that it's impossible or will never happen. I mean that the waiting time may be so long that it may feel like forever. So one interesting study talks about this idea of how it's actually quite hard over time for people to change core personality traits. So people can change their personality, but it's hard to change core personality traits. Like if someone's an extrovert or an introvert, it's hard to change. Someone's not just going to shift from one to the other. If someone's a homebody or wants to travel the world, that's not going to change overnight. If someone is more likely to be open than closed, that is emotionally available, it's not easy for someone who's emotionally disconnected or unavailable to suddenly become available overnight. These are far more core personality traits that are much more difficult to see changes in. Now, one study I looked at talked about how hurtful behaviors such as lying, cheating, dismissing or controlling. And this is from Psych Central, they say are often habits that turn into harmful behavior patterns. And research from 2020 explains personality may be shaped by an interaction between multiple sources, from genes to events and social relationships, rather than only one source. The study goes on to say that personality development isn't linear and change isn't either. So what's really interesting about that is even when people change, we think of change as linear. We think that if someone changes Everything changes. When actually what happens in reality is that even if someone changes, chances are they're going to oscillate back and forth to their former self. So you're going to constantly ask the question, wait a minute, I thought you changed. Wait a minute, I thought you understood. Wait a minute, I thought you got the message. And the truth is, it's more likely that someone's going to oscillate back and forth until they get there. So behavior can be learned and unlearned, but the amount of time it can take, the levels it can go to in order for that to happen, can be very, very hard to go through. Now here's the reality I want to get through to you. You can't change anyone. You can only change yourself. You can't force someone to change. You can't push someone to change. You can't beg someone to change. They will change when they want to change, they will change when they feel a need to change. They will change when they're ready for change, when it impacts them so badly that they're not changing, that's when they'll choose to change. Changing someone else is not within your control. And trying to find ways to do it can be exhausting. So what I'd rather give you is signs that someone is likely to change. Because often what we do is we keep asking the question, can people change? And really it's the wrong question because people can change. But is the person that you're with likely to change? Is the person that you're talking about likely to change? These are the signs that they're likely to change. And that's a healthier, better, smarter question to ask. Because what you're really asking when you ask, can people change is, is my person going to change? Are they going to be different? And there are certain signs that point you in the right direction. The first one is they own up and take accountability and are self aware about not only what change is required, but why the change is required. Sometimes someone will say to you, I know I need to change. I know it isn't right. And we get so happy and elated that they acknowledged it that we take that acknowledgement as accountability. There's a difference, there is a difference between acknowledgement and accountability. Acknowledgement is recognizing something. Accountability is reconciling something. Let me say that again. Acknowledgement is recognizing something. Accountability is reconciling something. When you're accountable, you actually have the ability to articulate, articulate what the problem is, why it exists, and how you're going to show up in the future. You're taking accountability for your actions, your behaviors, and you're able to see the connection between how you act and how it affects the other person. I promise you that most people that you're talking to are simply acknowledging the problem. They're not actually taking accountability. But because we don't know the difference, we assume they're the same thing. Now, assuming they're the same thing isn't a great idea. Because if you assume that they're the same thing, then you think someone's taken accountability. But no, accountability means I know how my actions affected you, I know why my actions affected you. I can articulate it, and I know how my actions affect you. And I know which actions I need to change. And by the way, I know why I need to change them. I know why I am that way. Notice the difference between acknowledgement and accountability. Now, once someone's taken accountability, they have to want to change. They have to have the proper motivation to change. Because just because someone can articulate and take accountability doesn't mean that they feel the need to change. They have to feel that change is necessary. If you look at most humans, we only change when we believe something's necessary, right? If we think something's going to end, we change. If we think something new is going to start, we change, right? We change when it happens. Most people want to get promoted before they change their performance. Not realizing that you get a promotion because you changed your performance. There's a reason why the famous phrase of you don't know what you've got until it's gone. Because we wait till we lose something to know we should have changed. That's how human behavior and the human mind works, is we constantly feel that until something's necessary, until something is required of me, I won't do it. Until I feel the pressure to, I won't do it. What often we do is we try and put that pressure on that person to change. We try and force them to change, but we don't realize that if they change for us, but they don't know why they're changing, they may actually feel regret. I like to think about this through a scenario. If someone changes for you, then that means that they didn't really go through the process within themselves. They haven't really looked at the value. And therefore they may actually be depressed about that change. They may be down about that change. They may not wish that change ever happened to them. I'll give an example. Radhi and me. Radhi always told me that all she wanted to do was live close to her family. And I wanted that for her because I love her family and I know how much she loves them. And then when I got the opportunity, of course, to move across the world to change my career, change my life and do what I get to do today, and Radhi and I were already married and it was a hard change for Radhi. And I said to Radhi that I didn't want her to move for me. I wanted her to do it because she saw value in and she could find it for herself. Now she had to adapt to that change. It was hard for her and I was trying my best to help her with that change. I didn't want her to change and I didn't want her to feel pressured to change because I realized that unless something comes from within, unless something comes from that person, they are never really going to fully commit to it. And that's what's really interesting. Sometimes we're trying to get people to change on the surface, we're trying to get people to change a behavior for us. And we don't realize that when they do that, not only does it not stick when it doesn't come from within, it doesn't feel like it's meaningful to them. So they can't truly get behind that change long term. And they may even feel like it's your fault. They might feel like it's a mistake. They may feel like it was the worst decision they made in the long term. And a lot of us have to recognize that change is something that has to come from within. They have to feel like this new life will be good for them, but they have to know it in their language with their reasons. They have to commit to that change. Is someone telling you they're going to change or is someone showing you the signs that they're ready to commit to change? Okay, I am so excited about this because we've got the first ever merch drop for on purpose. It's finally here. And for World Mental Health. Today, we're doing an exclusive limited edition drop with all the proceeds going to the national alliance on Mental Illness nami. So now you can wear your On Purpose merch, listen to the podcast and know that you two are having an impact. I want to thank you so much in advance. I can't wait to see all of your pictures wearing the merch, their sweatshirts, a hat, T shirts. Check it out on our website. Jshettyshop.com that's jshettyshop.com and remember, 100% of the proceeds go to NAMI. Sometimes life can seem challenging and overcoming problems can seem impossible, but when you focus on your problems, it can keep you from seeing the good in your life. One thing that helps me when I need a change in perspective is acknowledging the small wins in life. I encourage my team to pay attention to small wins because it helps them see positive outcomes and the steps that they're achieving on the road to a bigger goal. Use the power of small wins to shift your outlook and you will start to see positive changes.
