Podcast Summary: On Purpose with Jay Shetty

Episode Title: Confidence Expert Dr. Shadé Zahrai: Feel Like You’re Not Enough? THIS Proven 4 Part Framework Will Transform Your Self-Image & Build REAL Confidence
Date: December 17, 2025
Host: Jay Shetty
Guest: Dr. Shadé Zahrai, Leadership Expert & Author of Big Trust

Episode Overview

This episode of On Purpose dives deep into the roots of self-doubt and introduces a science-backed, four-part framework by Dr. Shadé Zahrai to transform self-image and build lasting confidence. Dr. Zahrai, celebrated for her leadership research and personal development work, shares insights from her new book "Big Trust," discussing both the psychological and practical aspects of overcoming self-doubt, perfectionism, and imposter syndrome across life's stages.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Myth-Busting Confidence and the Origin of Self-Doubt

• Confidence comes after action, not before. “90% of people are waiting for that feeling of confidence before they take that step. That feeling of confidence, it does not come before we take the action. It comes after we take the action.” — Dr. Shadé Zahrai [02:06]
• Self-doubt persists at every level of success but can be systematically addressed.
• The foundation of self-doubt is self-image, often shaped in early formative years.

2. Framework: The Four-Part Model for Self-Trust ("The Four A's")

Dr. Zahrai introduces a framework anchored on four foundational drivers (The Four A's): Acceptance, Agency, Autonomy, and Adaptability. Each pillar is described with actionable guidance and real-life examples.

A. Acceptance (Self-Acceptance & Self-Esteem)

• Early life and parental interactions are key contributors to our sense of self-acceptance.
• Four maladaptive habits if lacking in acceptance: pressure to prove, shrinking from success, deriving satisfaction from others' failures (Schadenfreude), and the endless approval-seeking cycle. [07:12]
• Notable quote: “You are not your job. There is so much to you that exists outside of that environment.” — Dr. Shadé Zahrai [15:23]
• Practical tools:
  • Consciously separate your identity from achievements.
  • Take up creative or physical hobbies for self-worth reinforcement. [17:42]
  • Reframe comparison to "emulation" — model what inspires you rather than competing against others. [27:30]
  • Practice "self-forgetting" by shifting focus outward to being of service in the moment.

B. Agency (Self-Efficacy): Overcome Imposter Syndrome

• Imposter phenomenon (not “syndrome”) is common post-achievement, not in learning phases.
• Notable quote: “You only experience that kind of imposter feeling when you’re stretched.” — Dr. Shadé Zahrai [71:14]
• Agency is the belief in your capacity to overcome new challenges — built by recognizing and mapping your core strengths ("essence qualities") to new situations.
• A three-column mapping exercise:
  1. Role requirements
  2. Personal qualities & skills
  3. Match qualities to requirements
• Notable quote: “Don’t take yourself out of the game before the game begins.” — Dr. Shadé Zahrai [85:45]
• Emphasize the importance of action over endless preparation for true confidence to develop. [74:12]

C. Autonomy (Locus of Control): Reclaiming Ownership of Your Story

• Autonomy is the belief you can influence outcomes, regardless of adversity.
• Focus on what you can control, not on what’s external. An external locus breeds powerlessness.
• Tool: The “I Could / I Will” list — open possibilities by listing all you could do, select a few, and commit (“I will...”) [98:17]
• Construct a “redemptive story” (growth and learning from pain) instead of a “contamination story” (carrying the wound forward).
• Post-Traumatic Growth: Many experience growth, not trauma, through curiosity and self-inquiry, reframing life setbacks for empowerment. [105:55]
• Metaphor: The “Bison Mindset”—walk into the storm (challenge) and you’ll pass through it faster and stronger. [114:48]
• Notable quote: “You can change your story at any point; not the facts, but the meaning you assign to them.” — Dr. Shadé Zahrai [105:16]

D. Adaptability (Emotional Flexibility)

• Adaptability is the ability to manage and harness emotions in the face of challenges.
• Three Second Spiral-Stop: Pause, breathe, recognize your brain’s protective role, and take a small, manageable step (e.g., brief comment in a meeting before a big share). [119:11]
• In difficult situations (e.g. being fired), use the Four A’s to dissect and respond, i.e., separate identity from job, notice and reframe emotional responses, and focus on next actions.

Additional Memorable Moments & Notable Quotes

• On Labels and Identity:
  • “Anything you put after ‘I am’ … The moment we have ‘I am’ before something, we are internalizing that label.” [51:49]
  • Replace fixed, negative labels with growth-oriented or neutral alternatives.
• On Women, Ambition, and Career Advancement:
  • Women often hesitate to apply for roles unless fully qualified and internalize rejection more deeply. “Stop holding back, take the step. What’s the worst that could happen?” — Dr. Shadé Zahrai [87:22]
• Jay’s Personal Insights:
  • On managing social discomfort: “If I know why I’m going somewhere, I can show up as my best self...having a meaningful connection is more valuable than meeting everyone.” [64:51]
• The Power of Purpose:
  • “The gift of self-acceptance is the ability to forget yourself and make it about other people.” — Dr. Shadé Zahrai [65:16]

Actionable Takeaways & Tools

• Diagnose which of the Four A’s is your weak point — acceptance, agency, autonomy, or adaptability — and target it with specific habits.
• Use the “I Could/I Will” list in moments of setback.
• Reframe self-talk: “I am noticing a thought that...”, rather than fusing with negative identities.
• Move from “fake it till you make it” to “be it till you become it” for authentic alignment. [30:26]
• Anticipate obstacles pragmatically, plan your response (if-then strategies), and visualize overcoming them.
• When someone says "you've changed," respond confidently: “Thanks for noticing. Growth has been a priority for me” to claim your development. [131:40]

Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• “90% of people are waiting for that feeling of confidence before they take that step. That feeling of confidence...does not come before we take the action. It comes after.” — Dr. Shadé Zahrai [02:06]
• “You are not your job. There is so much to you that exists outside of that environment.” — Dr. Shadé Zahrai [15:23]
• “You’re not a prisoner to your early environment -- you have the ability to overwrite that belief through conscious choice.” — Dr. Shadé Zahrai [11:49]
• “Imposter phenomenon...is only when I have achieved something...but I still don’t feel I deserve it.” — Dr. Shadé Zahrai [66:57]
• “Don’t take yourself out of the game before the game begins.” — Dr. Shadé Zahrai [85:45]
• “When someone says, ‘you’ve changed’, respond with ‘Thanks for noticing. Growth has been a priority for me.’” — Dr. Shadé Zahrai [131:40]
• “Care less about what people think. Care more about being of service, being of value.” — Dr. Shadé Zahrai [138:12]

Important Timestamps

• [02:06] — Why confidence follows action, not the other way around
• [07:12] — Four maladaptive patterns stemming from low self-acceptance
• [30:26] — “Fake it till you make it” vs. “Be it till you become it”
• [51:49] — The power and danger of internalized labels ("I am...")
• [64:51] — Jay’s strategy for meaningful social connections and managing discomfort
• [71:14] — “You only experience imposter feeling when you’re stretched”
• [98:17] — The “I Could/I Will” technique for regaining autonomy and momentum
• [105:55] — Post-Traumatic Growth and the role of curiosity
• [119:11] — Three-second spiral stop for emotional adaptability in tough moments
• [131:40] — “You’ve changed”/“Thanks for noticing” exchange

Tone and Language

• Supportive, affirming, and research-backed throughout
• Emphasis on practical steps and honest sharing of vulnerability
• Blend of science, real-life stories, and actionable advice

Final Words

Dr. Zahrai’s Big Trust methodology roots true confidence and resilience in a shift away from perfection, comparison, and external validation—towards cultivating trust in oneself through self-acceptance, proactive growth, narrative ownership, and adaptive emotional skills. Jay Shetty’s facilitation, warmth, and personal stories create an open, relatable space for every listener to reflect on their unique journey and confidently begin one of self-trust.

Call to Action: Pre-order “Big Trust” for a deeper, guided approach to overcoming self-doubt (as recommended by Jay), and follow Dr. Shadé Zahrai for ongoing inspiration and evidence-based tips.