← On Purpose with Jay Shetty
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Constantly Overthinking or Doubting Yourself? (Do THIS 5-Minute Reset to Break Your Negative Spiral!)
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- [00:00]
Jay Shetty
This is an iHeart podcast. Lowe's knows that rewards members get more. That's why when you sign up for my Lowe's Rewards or Mylows Pro Rewards today, you get member deals, points and more. Plus you get free standard shipping starting at SilverKey and Gold Pro Status. Savings for rewards members add up fast, so why wait? Become a rewards member for free and get more savings today. Loyalty programs subject to terms and conditions. Details@lowe's.com Terms subject to change okay, question. What is the best and worst way to communicate with friends? Obviously messaging. I mean, it's great, but it can go off the rails. There have been times I opened up a group chat and saw 200 messages and by the time I caught up, I still didn't know what the plan was. Well, WhatsApp can help. First, you can message privately with everyone. And you can edit messages, create polls, do pinned messages and send invites. Plus photos and videos look better. It's time for WhatsApp message privately with everyone. This episode of On Purpose is brought to you by Chase Sapphire Reserve. I believe that travel is one of the greatest gifts that we've ever been given, and Chase Sapphire Reserve has been my gateway to the world's most captivating destinations. When I use my Chase Sapphire Reserve card, I get eight times the points on all the purchases I make through Chase Travel and even access to one of a kind experiences. Experiences like music festivals and sporting events. And that's not even mentioning how the card gets me into the Sapphire Lounge by the club at select airports nationwide. Travel is more rewarding with Chase Sapphire Reserve. Trust me. Discover more@chase.com SapphireReserve cards issued by JP Morgan, Chase Bank NA member FDIC subject to credit approval Terms apply. We all talk to ourselves like our worst enemy. We talk to ourselves like someone we hate. We talk to ourselves like someone we don't believe in. You would never talk to your friend like that. Now, I'm not saying that you want to falsely cheer yourself up either. I'm not saying you just want to look at yourself and be like, no, I'm amazing. And they were wrong. But you want to have an honest assessment. So saying no, you're the best isn't true. And saying you're the worst also isn't true.
- [02:41]
Kal Penn
The number one health and Wellness podcast Jay Shetty.
- [02:44]
Jay Shetty
Jay Shetty. He was the only Jay Shetty. Hey everyone. Welcome back to On Purpose. I'm Jay Shetty, the author of New York Times bestselling books Think Like a Monk and eight Rules of Love. And I'M so glad you're here today because I think one of the biggest challenges that I'm hearing so many of you dealing with right now is, is not the voices outside. It's not the voice of your friends, it's not the voice of your families. It's the voice inside your head. If you've ever felt that you've got a critic sitting in your head 24 7, finding a way to over analyze, criticize, complain about every move you make, every thought you have, every decision you're about to make, and you find that that critical voice is blocking you from living your best life, is blocking you from unleashing your potential, is blocking you from making that idea happen. Maybe you have an idea for a podcast, but the voice in your head always says, don't do it. Maybe you have an idea about how to impact the world positively and you have a voice in your head saying you're not good enough. Maybe you have the desire to build your own business, to start your own company, and the voice in your head says it's a stupid idea. Whatever it is, we all go through moments in life where we keep beating ourselves up. If you're someone who wants to silence that critic in your head, this episode is for you. If you're someone who wants to break through that negative spiral in your mind, this episode is for you. And if you're someone who wants to stop beating yourself up and start lifting yourself up, this episode is for you. Let's dive in. The first thing I want to talk about is that self criticism feels like control, but it's actually sabotage, right? When we criticize ourself, we think we're in control. We think we know everything. We think we're correcting ourselves. What we don't realize is we're actually sabotaging ourselves. Imagine a top tennis player keeps berating themselves after every missed shot. Instead of focusing, they actually are just beating themselves up about the last point. That self criticism that they thought would motivate them actually destroys their rhythm. There's an incredible speech that was given by Roger Federer at Dartmouth University, and he said that in his career, he has missed so many points, he has lost so many points. But he said the biggest skill he had is that he never focused on the last point he missed. He said, if I'm focused on the last point that I missed or if I'm focused on the future point that I might miss, then guess what? I miss the present shot. I miss the present moment. So many of us are beating ourselves up for the past. So many of ourselves are beating ourselves up for not having the future we thought we were going to build. What does that do? It makes the present lose time, money, energy, everything. Ask yourself to stop seeing self criticism as motivating and control. Kristin Neff's research on self compassion from 2005 shows that students who forgave themselves for procrastinating studied more effectively for the next exam, while harsh self critics repeated the same cycle. Imagine that forgiving yourself makes you more focused. Forgiving yourself allows you to move forward. Resenting yourself holds you back. Criticizing yourself demotivates you. And think about it when you're talking to someone else or when someone's speaking to you. If someone criticizes your every move. I remember I've not played golf very often, but I took a lesson once and I had a coach who criticized me every quarter of a swing. So even before I swung and hit the ball, he would criticize every single time. And every time I was about to hit the ball, he'd have another criticism. It demotivated me. Think about yourself. If every time you share an idea with a friend, they just pull it apart, even if they're well intentioned, it demotivates you. How many of you have called yourself stupid after making a mistake at work? And instead of fixing it quickly, you spiral into self doubt, which means you make more errors. And what's really interesting to me about this is that it's not just about performance. It's not just about focus. It's even in relationships. Maybe you're beating yourself up for staying in a relationship for too long. Maybe you're beating yourself up for allowing someone to walk all over you. Maybe you're beating yourself up for allowing someone to mistreat you. When you beat yourself up for someone already treating you badly, it only gets worse. Forgive yourself for confusing attention with love. Forgive yourself for ignoring red flags because you wanted it to work. Forgive yourself for chasing validation instead of connection. Forgive yourself for being loyal to people who weren't loyal to you. Forgive yourself so that you can move on. Because we don't forgive ourselves, we don't heal. Healing is not just about forgiving others, about letting go of what's outside of ourselves. It's about saying, you know that mistake I made? That's all I knew then. That's all the information I had then. And maybe I even knew better. But guess what? I'm now learning that lesson. I'm now applying it. That will free you from actually blocking yourself from growth. The second thing I want to talk about Is you wouldn't talk to a friend like that. So why talk to yourself like that? Imagine your best friend failed a job interview. Would you say, you're useless? You should have prepared better. You'll never get hired now. You would never say that to a friend ever. Yet that's how we all talk to ourselves. We all talk to ourselves like our worst enemy. We talk to ourselves like someone we hate. We talk to ourselves like someone we don't believe in. You would never talk to your friend like that. Now, I'm not saying that you want to falsely cheer yourself up either. I'm not saying you just want to look at yourself and be like, no, I'm amazing, and they were wrong. But you want to have an honest assessment. So saying, no, you're the best isn't true. And saying you're the worst also isn't true. In the Bhagavad Gita, one of the books I studied as a monk, it talks about how attachment and aversion are two sides of the same coin. The feeling of I'm the best or I'm the worst are two sides of the same coin. It's just the ego playing games with you. When the ego makes you believe you're the best, well, you become complacent and fallible. When the ego makes you believe you're the worst, guess what? It doesn't help you grow. It's the honest introspection, the honest assessment that we all need. Hey, this is what I got right in the interview. But you know what? I didn't really nail these three things. You're now not assessing it as you. You're assessing it as something you took part in. There's research on self talk that found athletes who used positive instructional self talk improved performance, while negative self talk led to choking under pressure. Think about that. So we all have self talk. You can't stop the self talk. But those that were constructive, those that were positive, those that were focused forward made a difference. Imagine before a date, you tell yourself, I'm boring. I'm not sure they're going to like me. So what happens? You walk in nervous and awkward. It's a prophecy you help fulfill. And what happens in that scenario? You end up being boring. You end up feeling more boring. Now, I'm not saying you walk in there and think you're the most interesting person on the planet, but you think, hey, you know what? I've got a couple of things that are interesting to talk about. I've got a couple of things in my life that are important to talk about. Encourage yourself when no one else is clapping. Validate yourself when no one else is noticing. Challenge yourself when no one else is pushing. Forgive yourself when no one else understands. Believe in yourself before anyone else does. Push yourself without punishing yourself, because if you don't do it, you'll always be waiting for someone else. Strong people did the difficult thing when no one was watching. Strong people did the challenging thing when no one was clapping. Strong people did the hardest thing when it was just in private. Do the hard thing. Do the right thing when no one's there to notice. And you'll be able to do it brilliantly when they're all watching on the sidelines. The third thing I wanted to talk about is how beating yourself up doesn't build accountability, but it does build shame. Right? When you keep beating yourself up, you think, and by the way, we do this to other people as well. Sometimes we'll be mean to someone or we'll criticize them, hoping that helps them improve, but it just keeps beating them down. You can't beat someone down and lift them up at the same time, which is what we're trying to do, right? We're trying to beat ourselves up so that we do more, are more productive and more effective. Doesn't work that way. Imagine a teenager caught cheating an exam. They feel so much shame and they think, I'm a terrible person. Instead of changing, they hide their mistakes and cheat again. Brene Brown's work distinguishes guilt I did something bad from shame. I am bad. Guilt drives corrective action. Shame fuels secrecy and withdrawal. Notice the difference. I did something bad. I am bad. Every time you say I am and follow it up with a negative word, you start believing that is your identity. Every time you say I did something bad, you're able to recognize it as a habit or a pattern that you can change. It's a lot harder to feel we can change ourselves than change something we did. Let me give you a real life example. Imagine you snap at your partner and then afterwards you feel shame. You think, I'm a horrible partner. What happens? Instead of apologizing, you avoid them because you feel so bad about yourself. What does that do? It only makes things worse. When you just shame yourself as a bad person, you actually want to spend less time doing the good. It's almost like you get so comfortable in the dark that the light kind of exposes you, so you move away from the light. We don't want to move away from the light. When the light comes on, you see things for what they are. And shame blocks us from seeing the way things they are because it's too scary. It's too hard. I'll give you a really interesting example. I remember the first time I went to Vegas. At night, there was all this glitz and glam and all the rest of it. In the morning I remember with the lights on the casino floor, seeing people glued to the slot machine, sling vomit or drinks and popcorn all over the floor and seeing people passed out like it just wasn't the same sight because the light shows us what's actually there. So we move away from the light when it shows us what's actually there. But if we cannot let shame take over, we can actually look at things for what they are. Don't shame yourself, it won't change you. Compassion will. Don't blame yourself, it won't change you. Accountability will. Don't criticize yourself, it won't change you. Action will. Don't beat yourself up, it won't change you. Challenges will you. Don't grow because of guilt, it just slows you down.
- [15:49]
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- [16:52]
Ed Helms
Hey everyone, Ed Helms here and hi.
- [16:55]
Kal Penn
I'm Kal Penn and we're the hosts of Irsay, The Audible and iHeart Audiobook Club.
- [17:02]
Ed Helms
This week on the podcast, I am sitting down with Jenny Garth, host of the iHeart podcast. I choose me to discuss the new Audible adaptation of the timeless Jane Austen classic Pride and Prejudice. This is not a trick question. There's no wrong answer. What role would I play?
- [17:22]
WashablesOfSofas.com Advertiser
You know what?
- [17:23]
Jay Shetty
I can see you as Mr. Darcy.
- [17:26]
WashablesOfSofas.com Advertiser
You got a little Colin Firth.
- [17:28]
Ed Helms
Okay, that's really sweet. I appreciate that. But are you sure I'm not the dad? I'm not Mr. Bennett. Here, listen to Earsay, the Audible and I Heart Audiobook Club on the iHeartRadio app or wherever you get your podcasts. And Doug here we have the Limu Emu in its natural habitat, helping people customize their car insurance and save hundreds with Liberty Mutual. Fascinating. It's accompanied by his natural ally, Doug.
- [18:06]
Jay Shetty
Limu is that guy with the binoculars watching us?
- [18:09]
Ed Helms
Cut the camera. They see us. Only pay for what you need@liberty mutual.com.
- [18:15]
Jay Shetty
Savings Fairy underwritten by Liberty Mutual Insurance Company affiliates excludes Massachusetts I've come to realize that food is never just food. It's a memory, a love language, a way we express who we are without saying a word. Some of the most meaningful conversations I've ever had happened around a table. That moment when someone passes you a dish that that's been in their family for generations. Or when a flavor takes you back to childhood. That's connection. That's presence. That's why I love what Chase Sapphire Reserve is doing. They're not just creating dining experiences. They're creating opportunities to feel something deeper through food. When we look back on our lives, we rarely remember what we had for lunch on a random Tuesday. But we do remember the meals that made us feel seen. The ones where we lost track of time, where the food was just the beginning of something more. A moment with someone we love. A conversation that opened our heart, A reminder of where we came from. With Chase Sapphire, Reserve card members get access to those kinds of moments, the ones where food becomes a story. Imagine sitting at a dinner where the chef doesn't just cook, they share. They tell you where the dish came from, what it means to them, and how it shaped their journey. That's what it's really about. Not just tasting something new, but stepping into someone else's world for a moment. And maybe understanding your own a little better, too. If you want to experience dining that's more than just a meal, something that nourishes your mind, your body, and your connection to others. Visit chase.com SapphireReserve Food connects us not just to each other, but to a part of ourselves we sometimes forget. The part that slows down, that listens, that feels. With Chase Sapphire Reserve, you're not just making a reservation. You're creating a memory. A moment of presence, a moment of purpose. The fourth point today is your brain is wired to focus on mistakes. How many times have you had this? You do something right and your Brain will barely notice it. You do something wrong and your brain will think about it all day. Let's say you were great in a meeting today at work. You'll forget about it in the next meeting. You say something sloppy or made a mistake at a meeting in work, you're now thinking about for the rest of the day, the rest of the week. Thinking. That's all anyone can think about. Your brain is wired to focus on mistakes. Imagine this. A musician finishes their concert. Hundreds of thousands of people are clapping. One person frowns. One person isn't happy. One person posts on social media that they want their money back. Guess what? The mind obsesses over. It obsesses over the negative comments. You may even see this on your social media. You'll have 10 of your friends respond. One of them doesn't in the group chat. And you're thinking about that one friend. Why didn't they respond? Don't they like me? You're forgetting about the 10 people over here who responded immediately. It's your birthday. Seven people show up to the party that you wanted to see. Three people don't show up. Where does your mind go? To the three people who didn't show up. One study showed that negative events weigh three to five times more heavily in our minds than positive ones. This is known as the negativity bias. So what do we do with that? Here's what I've learned. You remember the bad times more than the good times. Because when things go well, you celebrate for a night. But when things go bad, you cry for a month. We're used to going deeper into our harder emotions than we are into our happier emotions. We've got to learn to rewire our mind. How do we do this? When something good happens to you, share it. When something good happens to you or someone does something good to you, share it. Talk about it. You're training your mind to spot what will change it positively. I could look around this room and I can think about all the mistakes in how the furniture's placed and what I need to change. That's important. But at the same time, I can look around and see how beautiful it is. That's also important. It's valuable to know what needs to change in your life. It's valuable to know what's not going in the direction you want it to go in your life. But if that's all you have, then you'll just create more of it. There's something known as the frequency illusion. How many times have you said to yourself, oh, I really like that color or I really like that shirt or pants or whatever it is. And now you see them everywhere. Everyone's wearing them, everyone's wearing that color. Or you want to get a car and you want to get a black car, and now you see black cars everywhere. It's not like that there's more black cars on the road or more people. People are wearing those skirts or shirts or whatever it may be. It's just that you have a heightened awareness of it. This is why gratitude works so well. Gratitude doesn't work because it's magic. It's that when you become grateful for something, you notice more things to be grateful for. Right now, your brain is wired to spot negative things. So you spot more negative things than you do positive. Not because there are more negative things in the world, just because you're trained to, to notice it. One of my favorite quotes from Wayne Dyer is, don't see things as they are. You see things as you are. When you are focused on the negative, you see more negative. When you focus on the positive, you notice more positive. This isn't positive thinking. Positive thinking is pretending like the negative doesn't exist. Noticing good things is learning to tune yourself in to higher vibration and frequency. Point number five is that progress is not linear. Thomas Edison tested over 1,000 prototypes before the light bulb worked. If he saw setbacks as failure, he'd have quit after attempt number 10. There's an amazing study that talks about the stages of change model shows that relapse that is slipping back into smoking, for example, isn't failure. It's part of how lasting behavior change happens. Think about this for a second. You commit to running three times a week. One week. You only manage once. And what usually happens is you quit. You go, I messed up this week. Next week, I won't run at all. But what happens, you actually lose track. Whereas when you recognize that that's part of the process of change, when you set a new goal, when you set a new habit, you are going to have days that you fall back. When you break up with someone, you might feel healed in a month. And then in seven months, you're going to be sitting there thinking about your ex. That's part of the healing journey. When you realize that healing is three steps forward, two steps back, four steps forward, three steps back. Sometimes one step forward, four steps back. When you realize that's what healing looks like, you're actually free to heal. When you want it all to happen today, when you want healing to all happen tomorrow, it will last forever. So when we fall off track, we beat ourselves up. Oh, I did three times last week. But this time I only went to the gym once. I was eating really, really healthy. But last night I just crashed. Guess what? The less the week doesn't matter, right? How many times have you done that? And it all happens because you beat yourself up. You don't fall back into bad habits because you're lazy. You fall back into bad habits because you beat yourself up. When you have a bad day, don't turn a bad day into a bad week. Don't turn a bad week into a bad month. And don't turn a bad month into a bad year. Let it be a bad day, that's okay. But tomorrow, pick yourself up and make it a great one. It's when you don't beat yourself up that you keep the power of turning a bad day into a good month, a bad day into a good week. I hope that resonates with you. Next time you set a goal, a habit, a change, or whatever you want to do and you fall off, know that that's part of it. Give yourself grace to and you'll be able to get back on track much quicker. The sixth thing I wanted to share with you today is that rest is part of progress, not the opposite of it. So many of us think that rest means we're not moving forward. My monk teacher used to say, if you want to move three steps forward, you have to go three steps deep. So if you're struggling to move forward, ask yourself if you've gone inward already. Elite athletes schedule recovery days as strictly as training days. Serena Williams even naps before matches because rest is strategy, not laziness. For most of us, though, rest isn't something we plan, it's something we end up doing when we're exhausted. When you're resting, when you're exhausted, that's not rest. That's survival. That's recovery. That's why it's so stressful. Whereas the highest performers in the world have scheduled rest, that scheduled rest is what helps them perform at their best in all the other times. On the podcast, I've interviewed Matthew Walker, who has done a lot of research on sleep, and his study on why we sleep from 2017 shows deep sleep consolidates learning and strengthens memory. Without it, performance and creativity drop. Some people think, oh, I'll sleep when I'm dead, or I'll sleep when I'm tired. That sleep is the reason you can be so productive, that sleep is the reason you can be proactive. That sleep is the reason you can be so effective. So no, don't beat yourself up for wanting to rest. Don't beat yourself up for wanting to take a break. Don't beat yourself up for wanting to slow down. And don't beat yourself up for wanting to have your own time. Allow yourself to slow down. Give yourself permission to be still. That's where your power is. Let me give you an example. You work late every night to get ahead, but you're so burned out you're starting to make sloppy mistakes. A rested version of you would finish faster with fewer errors. Working more doesn't achieve more. Losing sleep doesn't achieve more. Trying to do everything doesn't achieve more. Sometimes you achieve more by more rest, more stillness, and more calm. Point number seven is that self kindness builds resilience more than self criticism ever will. Navy SEALs in training who used encouraging self talk were far more likely to complete Hell Week than those who tore themselves down. Now, for those of you who don't know, Hell Week is the most grueling training that a Navy SEAL goes through. I interviewed David Goggins and if you want to know more about it, you can go back to that episode and and watch and listen to what that week actually entails. It's a five and a half day period during the first phase of SEAL training. Candidates average about four hours of sleep for the entire week, less than one hour per night. They're constantly exposed to cold water, mud, sand, physical drills and team challenges. Training goes day and night, running in formation, carrying boats and logs, swimming in the Pacific, obstacle courses. The goal isn't just to push the body, it's to test the mind and spirit under exhaustion. Instructors want to see who breaks under stress, who stays calm when freezing, exhausted and in pain, who can lead and support teammates when everyone is suffering. About 70 to 80% of candidates quit during Hell Week. Those who survive don't necessarily have the strongest bodies. They have the strongest mental resilience because their self talk is not negative. They found that breaking down the week into moments, just get through the next meal, not survive five days. Nefen Jerma in 2013 found people who practice self compassion meditation, increased resilience, life satisfaction and reduced anxiety. Imagine after bombing a presentation, you tell yourself it's one talk, not my whole career. Next time I'll be sharper. That mindset keeps you moving forward instead of giving up. You don't get stronger by beating yourself down. You get stronger by giving yourself the same kindness you'd give to anyone you love. I really hope that this episode is able to help you quiet that inner critic. It's not going anywhere. It's not going away. We're not trying to get rid of it. What we're trying to do is that we make sure we have the new scripts in our mind that have positive self talk, that focus on what we can be grateful for, that look for opportunities more than problems, and that when they look for problems, they look for systems and solutions. Not criticism, not shame. Thank you so much for listening. I hope you'll share this with a friend who struggles with this too. I hope you'll discuss it with them and I'll see you on the next episode. Thanks for being here. I'm forever in your corner and I'm always rooting for you. If you love this episode, you'll love my conversation with Dr. Joe Dispenza on why stress and overthinking negatively impacts your brain and heart and how to change your habits that are on autopilot. Listen to it right now. How many times do we have to forget until we stop forgetting and start remembering. That's the moment of change. No one cares how many times you fell off the bicycle. If you ride the bicycle now, you ride the bike. This episode of On Purpose is brought to you by Chase Sapphire Reserve. I believe that travel is one of the greatest gifts that we've ever been given and Chase Sapphire Reserve has been my gateway to the world's most captivating destinations. When I use my Chase Sapphire Reserve card, I get eight times the points on all the purchases I make through Chase Travel and even access to one of a kind experiences. Experiences like music festivals and sporting events. And that's not even mentioning how the card gets me into the Sapphire Lounge by the club at select airports nationwide. Travel is more rewarding with Chase Sapphire Reserve. Trust me. Discover more@chase.com Sapphire Reserve cards issued by JP Morgan Chase Bank NA member FDIC subject to credit approval terms apply.
- [33:46]
Kal Penn
Hey audiobook lovers, I'm Cal Penn.
- [33:49]
Ed Helms
I'm Ed Helms.
- [33:49]
Kal Penn
Ed and I are inviting you to join the best sounding book club you've ever heard with our new podcast, The Audible and iHeart Audiobook Club.
- [33:59]
Ed Helms
Each week we sit down with your favorite iHeart podcast hosts and some very special guests to discuss the latest and greatest audiobooks from Audible.
- [34:07]
Kal Penn
Listen to hearsay on America's number one podcast network, iHeart. Follow earsay and start listening on the free iHeartradio app today.
- [34:18]
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- [34:47]
Jay Shetty
This is an iHeart podcast.