Podcast Summary: On Purpose with Jay Shetty

Episode: Dr. Orna Goralnik: Struggling to Communicate With Your Partner? THIS One Habit Could Slowly Be Destroying Your Relationship! (Here’s How to Catch It Before It’s Too Late!)
Release Date: July 7, 2025
Host: Jay Shetty
Guest: Dr. Orna Goralnik, Clinical Psychologist and Therapist from Showtime's "Couples Therapy"

Introduction

In this insightful episode of "On Purpose with Jay Shetty," host Jay Shetty welcomes Dr. Orna Goralnik, a renowned clinical psychologist and the therapist behind the groundbreaking Showtime series "Couples Therapy." Together, they delve deep into the intricacies of communication within relationships, uncovering habits that may unknowingly harm partnerships and offering strategies to foster healthier, more resilient connections.

Common Misconceptions About Communication in Relationships

Key Discussion Points:

• Perception vs. Reality: Many couples initially believe that their primary issue is poor communication. However, as Dr. Goralnik explains, communication often serves as a surface symptom masking deeper underlying problems.
• List of Common Complaints: Couples frequently cite issues like division of labor, intimacy concerns, and the influence of early childhood experiences as core challenges.

Notable Quote:

Dr. Orna Goralnik [05:21]: "Couples typically think if only we could communicate better, our problems would be solved."

The Role of 'Otherness' in Relationships

Key Discussion Points:

• Embracing Differences: Dr. Goralnik emphasizes that living with someone inherently different from oneself is a fundamental source of both growth and conflict in relationships.
• Impact of Daily Habits: Small differences in routines and habits can accumulate, leading to significant emotional rifts if not addressed thoughtfully.

Notable Quote:

Dr. Orna Goralnik [06:56]: "The real issue that couples face is that they're building a relationship or living with another person who's different from them. And that is really hard."

Compromise vs. Collaboration

Key Discussion Points:

• Limitation of Compromise: Traditional notions of compromise—where each partner gives a little—often act as temporary fixes, potentially breeding long-term resentment.
• Collaborative Solutions: Instead, Dr. Goralnik advocates for joint problem-solving, where couples work together to find solutions that satisfy both partners without either feeling like they've lost out.

Notable Quote:

Dr. Orna Goralnik [15:00]: "Simply compromising is sometimes just a quick fix. It can breed resentments, whereas collaboratively finding a solution fosters mutual respect and understanding."

Handling Difficult Conversations

Key Discussion Points:

• Validating Feelings: Couples often struggle to express and validate each other's emotions without feeling like they're invalidating themselves.
• Navigating Conflicting Loyalties: Addressing issues such as criticizing a partner's family requires understanding and respecting each other's loyalties and emotional conflicts.

Notable Quote:

Dr. Orna Goralnik [23:22]: "Having a space where your feelings are heard and respected allows for honest conversations without the fear of losing one's identity."

Gender Perspectives in Relationships

Key Discussion Points:

• Different Emotional Approaches: Traditionally, women may be more attuned to the relational and emotional aspects, while men might focus on structural and protective roles. Dr. Goralnik notes, however, that these roles are evolving.
• Impact on Communication: These differing approaches can lead to misunderstandings but also offer complementary strengths if navigated with empathy.

Notable Quote:

Dr. Orna Goralnik [61:52]: "Women are often more tuned into the emotional nuances of the relationship, while men might focus on the structure and long-term stability."

Managing Emotional Communication

Key Discussion Points:

• Encouraging Men to Open Up: Dr. Goralnik discusses strategies to help men become more comfortable expressing their emotions, starting from recognizing physical signs of emotional distress to expanding their emotional vocabulary.
• Building Emotional Literacy: Developing a richer vocabulary for emotions can significantly enhance mutual understanding and intimacy.

Notable Quote:

Dr. Orna Goralnik [63:19]: "Teaching men to pay attention to small hints about their emotional world and fostering curiosity about their feelings can lead to more grounded and fulfilling relationships."

Handling Identity and Long-term Changes in Relationships

Key Discussion Points:

• Evolving Identities: Relationships require adapting to each other's growth and changes over time. Dr. Goralnik emphasizes the importance of embracing these changes rather than clinging to a static view of the partner.
• Balancing Personal and Shared Growth: Allowing space for individual growth within the relationship strengthens the bond and ensures both partners feel valued and supported.

Notable Quote:

Dr. Orna Goralnik [81:05]: "A healthy relationship is one that allows for different iterations of each other, accepting that you will continue to evolve together."

Final Five: Rapid-Fire Insights

At the episode's conclusion, Dr. Goralnik shares her final five thoughts, providing concise yet profound insights into maintaining healthy relationships.

1. Best Relationship Advice:

   • "Stay in your own lane."
     Explanation: Focus on your own journey without intruding on your partner's.

2. Worst Relationship Advice:

   • "Don't let him get away with it."
     Explanation: Encourages paranoia and mistrust, undermining mutual respect.

3. Changing Views on Couples:

   • "Compatibility isn't everything; the capacity to love someone different fosters growth."
     Explanation: Emphasizes embracing differences over seeking perfect matches.

4. Most Difficult Relationship to Solve:

   • "Abusive relationships and those stuck in unresolved childhood trauma patterns."
     Explanation: Highlights the challenges of dealing with deep-seated issues that hinder progress.

5. One Law for the World:

   • "Do no harm."
     Explanation: A fundamental principle to ensure respectful and compassionate interactions.

Conclusion

This episode offers a nuanced exploration of communication challenges in relationships, moving beyond surface-level symptoms to address the deeper dynamics that sustain them. Dr. Orna Goralnik provides valuable insights into how couples can navigate their differences, foster mutual respect, and cultivate a partnership that thrives on love, understanding, and continuous growth. Listeners are left with practical strategies and a deeper appreciation for the complexities of maintaining a healthy, enduring relationship.

Notable Timestamps and Quotes:

• [05:21] Dr. Orna Goralnik: "Couples typically think if only we could communicate better, our problems would be solved."
• [06:56] Dr. Orna Goralnik: "The real issue that couples face is that they're building a relationship or living with another person who's different from them. And that is really hard."
• [15:00] Dr. Orna Goralnik: "Simply compromising is sometimes just a quick fix. It can breed resentments, whereas collaboratively finding a solution fosters mutual respect and understanding."
• [23:22] Dr. Orna Goralnik: "Having a space where your feelings are heard and respected allows for honest conversations without the fear of losing one's identity."
• [61:52] Dr. Orna Goralnik: "Women are often more tuned into the emotional nuances of the relationship, while men might focus on the structure and long-term stability."
• [63:19] Dr. Orna Goralnik: "Teaching men to pay attention to small hints about their emotional world and fostering curiosity about their feelings can lead to more grounded and fulfilling relationships."
• [81:05] Dr. Orna Goralnik: "A healthy relationship is one that allows for different iterations of each other, accepting that you will continue to evolve together."

Key Takeaways:

• Beyond Communication: While communication is vital, underlying differences and 'otherness' play a more significant role in relationship conflicts.
• Collaborative Problem-Solving: Moving away from mere compromise towards collaborative solutions enhances relationship health.
• Emotional Literacy: Building a richer emotional vocabulary and encouraging openness, especially in men, strengthens partnerships.
• Embracing Change: Recognizing and adapting to each other's growth ensures a dynamic and resilient relationship.
• Final Insights: Dr. Goralnik's rapid-fire answers reinforce the importance of personal responsibility, mutual respect, and the foundational principle of "do no harm" in maintaining healthy relationships.

This comprehensive discussion equips listeners with the understanding and tools necessary to identify and rectify harmful habits in their relationships, ultimately fostering deeper connections and lasting harmony.