← On Purpose with Jay Shetty
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Feeling Unsupported, Misunderstood, or Doubted? You Are Not Alone! (THIS 7-Step Method Will Help Silence the Self Doubt And Build REAL Confidence)
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Podcast Host
This is an iHeart podcast.
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Jay Shetty
Lately I've been trying to be more intentional, even with small decisions like cooking at home instead of ordering out. It's simple, but it helps me save for things that truly matter. That's why I love the State Farm Personal Price plan. It lets you bundle home and auto insurance to create an affordable price that fits your needs. It's one of those thoughtful choices that support the life you're trying to build. Talk to a State Farm agent today to learn how you can choose to bundle and save with the personal price plan. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. Prices are based on rating plans that vary by state. Coverage options are selected by the customer. Availability, amount of discounts and savings and eligibility vary by state. Claude is the AI assistant from Anthropic that millions of people have turned to because it just feels different. Not only is Claude an industry leader in writing and coding, but it's been designed with special attention to its character, a field of AI research that enhances empathy and emotional intelligence. That's why Claude has become the if you know, you know choice for personal reflection, relationship advice, vision boarding, and so much more. You can try Claude for free at any time. And for a special offer on premium capabilities with Claude Pro, head to Claude AI Purpose. That's Claude aipurpose. Have you ever gotten sick on a very expensive, very non refundable family trip? Amazon One Medical has 247 virtual care so you can get help no matter where you are. And with Amazon Pharmacy, your meds can get delivered right to your hotel fast. It's kind of like the room service of medical care. Thanks to Amazon Healthcare just got less painful.
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People don't want perfect, they want authentic. People don't want flawless, they want vulnerable. People don't want polished, they want real. People don't want the highlight real, they want the human behind it. People don't want performance, they want presence. People don't want someone who has it all together. They want someone who's willing to figure it out. Because perfection may impress, but vulnerability connects the number one health and wellness podcast.
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Jay Shetty.
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Jay Shetty. The one, the only Jay Shetty. Hey everyone, it's Jay Shetty. Welcome back to On Purpose. Today's episode is all about what to do when no one believes in you or supports you. The sad truth is I hear this wherever I am in the world. When I'm traveling, when I'm. When I'm meeting people, when I'm connecting, one of the top things I hear is Jay, the people around me don't believe in me. The people around me don't support me. The people around me don't encourage me. Actually, I'm scared that if I launch my company, if I start my podcast, if I write my book, if I build my business, the people around me are going to tear it down before I even have the chance to build it up. And a lot of us are walking through life feeling alone. Maybe you've actually felt disconnected from your community. Maybe you felt isolated where you think, why does no one help me? Why does no one believe in me? Why does no one support me? If you've ever felt any of those things and you're struggling with that self belief, that self doubt, this episode is for you. Here's the first thing I'm going to Stop seeking support. Start creating proof the science says we experience a cognitive bias called the false consensus effect. We overestimate how much people will understand or agree with us. Here's why that's counterintuitive. We think we need validation before we act. But in reality, people often believe in you after you prove the idea works. Not before you're at a party. You say something you think is obviously hilarious or smart or interesting. Crickets. No one laughs. No one's impressed. You're confused. You thought everyone would get the joke because in your head it was obvious. It made sense. It was normal. That moment, that awkward silence. That's the false consensus effect in action. The false consensus effect is a cognitive bias where we assume that other people think the way we do because our opinions feel obvious, logical, even universal to us. In other words, if I believe this, most people probably do too. Spoiler they don't. And science proves it. The science says this term was coined by psychologists Lee Ross, David Green, and Andrew House in the late 1970s. In one famous study, they gave people a tough moral choice, then asked them to guess what others would choose. Every group believed their choice was the majority option, but when the results came in, the actual opinions were split. Nobody was as obviously right as they thought they were. Now, why does this matter? This bias shows up everywhere, especially when you're building something new. You assume your idea is is clearly brilliant, but others don't get it. You think people will obviously support you, but they don't. You expect everyone to see what you see, but they're not in your head. The problem isn't your idea. It's that you overestimated how obvious it would be to someone who hasn't lived your experiences. Here's the takeaway. Just because it's Clear to you doesn't mean it's clear to others. And that's not a flaw, it's a reminder. You're early, you're unique. You're supposed to be misunderstood at first. Instead of expecting everyone to agree, get curious, ask more, listen better, explain smarter. And when people don't get it, don't panic. That's not a red flag. That's the beginning of something original. Try this today. Make something small and tangible that shows your idea works. A sample, a deck, a demo, a pilot, a mock up. Stop pitching. Start proving. Don't try to convince people. Show them what what they didn't expect to see. Don't try to impress people. Show yourself you can do it. Don't explain your vision to people committed to small thinking. Protect your energy and prove it through action. Don't beg to be understood. Stay focused long enough to become undeniable. Don't wait to be believed in. Become the reason they rethink what's possible. We have to start. We have to begin. We have to get going. People won't believe in you before you start. They might not even believe in you after you start. They might not even believe in you. When you win and succeed, just start. Just get going. Just move. If you wait for people to believe in you before you start, you could wait forever. If you wish people supported you before you start, you'll be wishing forever. And if you want someone to think you're going to do something incredible before you start, you'll be wanting forever. Don't wish, want and wait your way into never moving. Make that change, make that shift and notice how your life changes. The second thing you have to understand is rejection is usually protection. Studies on psychological projection show that people often reject others ideas because because of their own fears, insecurities or limitations. This is surprising because their no may have nothing to do with your idea, your potential and everything to do with their past and their issues. The reason someone says no to you is more likely that someone said no to them. The reason someone rejects your idea is because they rejected their own. The reason someone doesn't think you're going to make it is because they didn't have someone who believed in them. Their projection is not a prediction of your potential. It is simply a mirror of of their past. Don't let someone's projection become a prediction for your future. You don't have to do that and recognize. Maybe they wanted to quit their job at one point and they couldn't. Maybe they wanted to start an app at one point and they didn't. Maybe they had an idea and someone told them not to do it. They're simply reflecting what was projected onto them onto you. We don't have to reflect it back. Try this today. Next time someone doubts you, don't internalize it. Ask yourself, is this about me or about what they've told themselves? People will project their limits onto your vision. Don't let people break your dreams when they haven't even built theirs. Don't let people who haven't done it create doubts for you. Don't take feedback from someone living a life you don't want. Don't confuse loud opinions with lived experience. Don't take direction from someone who's never moved. They're not wrong or bad. They're just trying to protect you. But don't project that fear onto yourself. A lot of the times when I've shared risks I wanted to take and had family members or friends tell me that it wasn't going to happen, I realized they just wanted me to be safe. I remember when I wanted to quit my career and potentially pursue some postgraduate study. And everyone around me said, jay, well.
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How will you pay your bills?
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How will you pay for your wedding? How will you take care of your future? Those were not signs that I shouldn't do it. Those were just reminders that they valued those things they were showing me. They valued security, they valued safety, and they valued stability. And those are not bad values. People are not being mean. They're simply sharing what they care about. And it's your job to decide whether you care about those things or. Or whether you don't. Sarah Blakely, the founder of Spanx, didn't tell her family about what she was building because she didn't want to hear that opinion. And that's something I'd encourage you to do as well. Too many of us share our ideas with too many people. We want everyone to get around us. We want the validation and the approval. And what does that do? It does two things. The first is it opens you up to lots of feedback from people who don't understand that industry, understand that business, or understand that area. You've opened yourself up to everyone's emotional baggage. That was your choice. And the second thing is whether they support you or not, you've taken energy away from the decision. I learned something really important when I was in the monastery, that if you share something before it's happened with someone who can't help you do it, you've taken away 50% of the energy from that idea because you have searched for validation and approval before you've even put in the work. Put in the work first. Don't look for approval before you've put in the work. Don't look for validation even after you've put in the work, because chances are you won't get it both times. Get it from yourself. Do the work to prove what you're capable of. Take on the challenge to show what's possible for you. Use doubt as a focus filter. According to the challenge stress model, a certain amount of pressure and resistance can can increase focus and drive. See, this is why it's counterintuitive. We think support makes us stronger, but actually resistance can make us sharper. Use the no as a tool to clarify the yes. Try this today. List every reason people said your idea won't work and build solutions around them. Turn every criticism into a checklist. Doubt doesn't mean stop, it means refine. Doubt doesn't mean give up, it means redefine. Doubt doesn't mean this is the end, it means start again. Support doesn't always make you stronger. Sometimes resistance does. Support doesn't always make it easier. Resistance makes it sharper. Support feels good. Resistance shows you what you're made of. Support cheers you on. Resistance dares you to keep going without applause. Support says I believe in you. Resistance says prove it to yourself. Support can carry you, but resistance, it builds your muscle. Don't resent the resistance. Use it. Let it shape your focus, sharpen your edge. And remind you if you can do it without the noise. You're ready for the stage when we're waiting. And I see this happen to so many people when I travel and speak to them. We're waiting for the stage, we're waiting for the invite in order to be our best self, not realizing that when we become our best self, we get invited onto the stage. By the way, I remember this. I did the same thing to myself for years. I used to think, yes, when I get the opportunity. And then I realized, just take every opportunity. I remember speaking in rooms not much bigger than the one I'm in right now, speaking to empty rooms. No one there, just four walls.
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And I would practice my speech as.
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If it was full of 100 people. And now, when I have the fortune of being live at the Greek theater with 5,000 people, doing an event recently at the theater at msg with 5000 of you as well, I often think back to that moment when there was zero to five people in a room. And the reason is because my enthusiasm and energy was pretty much the same. What I mean by that is, if you're Sad that only 10 people watched your video, switch it to 10 people watched my video. If you're sad that you got a hundred views, think about that for a second. When have you ever had 100 people turn up to hear you speak? If you're not happy that you only have 10,000 followers, ask yourself, have you ever even seen 10,000 people in one place show up for you? It's when we become grateful, thoughtful, and focused on the growth that we've already made that we gain more energy for the next phase. When you're climbing a mountain, there's two important viewpoints. One is looking up and ahead and the other is looking down and behind. You look down to see how far you've come and you look up to see how far you have left to go. Both of those viewpoints are important. When you look down as to how far you've come, you get energy to move forward. And when you look at how far you have left to go, you feel grounded and humbled by the challenge. If you only look up, you'll feel discouraged, and if you only look down, you'll feel arrogant. Ego and discouragement are two sides of the same coin. They'll keep you trapped and stuck and not help you move forward. What we actually want is humility and proof. Humility and proof become the best allies for a lifelong journey. This next part is so important, but first I just want to take a second to thank our sponsors.
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When you start a business, it's not just about selling a product. It's about sharing something you truly believe in. Every decision, from choosing a name to launching your first product feels massive because it is. It's a reflection of your values, your passion and your purpose. That's why having the right platform matters. You need something that understands the journey that grows with you. Shopify gets it because they started small too. Shopify powers millions of businesses worldwide and handles 10% of all US E commerce. From big names like Mattel and Gymshark to brands like Jooni, our sparkling tea company, Shopify provides everything you need to build and grow your business. With Shopify, you can manage inventory, payments and analytics all in one place so you're not juggling multiple tools. It also makes it easy to reach new customers with built in social media and email marketing tools help helping you reach new customers and keep them coming back. If you're expanding beyond the U.S. shopify supports selling in over 150 countries and if you have a physical store or sell at events. Their award winning point of sale connects your online and in store sales seamlessly. Plus with 99.99% uptime and the best converting checkout on the planet, you'll never miss a sale. Only with Shopify. Get all the big stuff for your small business right with Shopify. Sign up for your $1 per month trial and start selling today at shopify.com j that's shopify.com j shopify.com jam One thing I've been reflecting on lately is how even the smallest choices is can create a big impact over time. Whether it's choosing to spend a quiet night in to recharge or making a decision that brings you closer to a long term goal, those moments of intention really matter. And when it comes to the choices we make with our money, that same mindset applies. I've learned that saving for the things that truly matter, like your first home or a reliable car, starts with small, thoughtful decisions. That's why I appreciate what State Farm is doing with their personal price plan. It gives you the power to personalize your plan and create an affordable price that works for your life. You can bundle your home and auto insurance in a way that supports your journey and your goals. Talk to a State Farm agent today to learn how you can choose to bundle and save with the personal price plan. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. Price prices are based on rating plans that vary by state. Coverage options are selected by the customer, availability, amount of discounts and savings and eligibility vary by state. You've probably been hearing about AI everywhere.
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And we all need to be mindful.
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Of the tools we trust in this new chapter of technology, Claude is the if you know, you know AI assistant that just feels different. While other AIs often sound like robots, Claude has been created with special research that informs its character, meaning that Claude just gets it when it comes to empathy and emotional intelligence. That's why millions of people are turning to Claude for parenting tips, dating advice, mindful habits like journaling, budgeting, and so much more, Claude has been thoughtfully crafted by Anthropic and its team of researchers whose mission is to design the most capable and secure systems that place people at the center. You can try Claude for free at any time and for a special offer on premium capabilities with Claude Pro, head to Claude aipurpose. That's C L A U D E A I Purpose.
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Thanks for sticking with me. Let's get into it. Build a Belief Battery from strangers the Ben Franklin effect shows that when we engage with others in small reciprocal Ways Trust builds faster Even amongst strangers, it's really surprising your biggest supporters might not be friends and family. In fact, research shows strangers are often more likely to champion new ideas because they're not attached to your past. This is Adam Grant's research. Imagine this. You post your new business idea, podcast or personal project online. You're nervous, vulnerable, hoping your friends and family will hype it up instead. Silence. No comment from your cousin, no re share from your closest friend. Not even a fire emoji from your roommate. Then someone you've never met, DMs you this is exactly what I needed. Keep going. Why does that happen? Because here's the truth. The people closest to you aren't always the ones most likely to support your growth. The people closest to you are the most are not the most likely to believe in you. The people closest to you are not the first to cheer for you because it's the strangers, the others that you didn't know that actually are coming from a place of neutrality to remind you that what you're doing matters. According to organizational psychologist Adam Grant, strangers are more likely to support new ideas than friends or family because they're not emotionally tied to your past. Here's the psychology behind it. Your inner circle knows your before. They've seen your doubts, your failed attempts, your unfinished drafts. So when you evolve, they subconsciously compare it to who you used to be. It's called identity anchoring. They unconsciously anchor you to the version they're most familiar with. Oh, that's just Sarah. She always starts things but never follows through. Or they look at you and say, that's not like you. Or since when are you a podcaster? They don't mean to limit you, but their memory of your past gets in the way of their belief in your future. Their memory of your past gets in the way of their belief in your future. But you don't have to let that stop you. There's an amazing scene in the movie the Founder. If you've not seen it, it's the story of Ray Kroc and how he built McDonald's into the powerhouse that it is today. Now, whatever your thoughts are on McDonald's, it's an interesting story. He's sitting at a table at a members club sharing his new business idea that is the franchise model for McDonald's. And all of his friends have seen him get excited and enthusiastic about so many businesses and failed and they list them off. Ray knows this is different. He feels it's different. But he can't convince them he has to show it. He has to prove it. He has to go and do it for them to come around. Meanwhile, strangers, they're re meeting your present. They don't know how many times you've hesitated. They don't care about your high school gpa, your failed blog, or your awkward first try. They see your work, your message, your energy as it is, not as it was. And that gives them the clarity to say, this deserves a shot. So here's the takeaway. Don't be discouraged when support doesn't come from the people you expected. Be proud. You showed up anyway. And remember, your audience might not come from your past. It's waiting in your future. So keep building. Let strangers become supporters. Let your results rewrite your story. And let the people who used to know you catch up. Because often the people who will believe in your next chapter will haven't met you yet. So try this today. Find three people online doing what you want to do. Comment, Share, message. Start building belief outside your circle. If your people don't see it yet, find the ones who already live it. Step number five Create before you're confident. This is the most important step. You don't become confident before you start. You don't become confident before you try. You don't become confident before you fail. You don't become confident before you do the thing. The science shows this too. It's called the Competence Confidence Loop. The Competence Confidence Loop shows that action builds belief, not the other way around. We wait to feel ready, but confidence is a result of experience, not a requirement to begin. Choose one micro action that represents your idea. Launch the first draft. Post the first video. Offer the first service. Confidence doesn't come first. Commitment does. Now, here's the confidence myth no one talks about. We've been sold this idea. Once I feel confident, then I'll start. But here's what psychology proves. That mindset is backwards. According to Albert Bandura, Stanford psychologist and the father of Self Efficacy Theory, confidence doesn't come before action. It comes because of it. Now, what does it mean when you take action, especially on something new, you build confidence. Competence. A sense of I can do this. That competence creates evidence. And your brain uses that evidence to build confidence. So every time you start imperfectly, awkwardly, messily, you're not just doing the thing. You're training your belief that you can. We wait for confidence like it's a permission slip. But confidence is more like a side effect than of showing up. People think public speakers are born confident. Nope. Most of them were just the first ones willing to bomb and come back. They earned it through reps, not readiness. Bandura's research shows that self efficacy, your belief in your ability to succeed, increases when you have small wins. These are known as mastery experiences. It also increases when you see others succeed. Vicarious experiences. We think seeing others succeed means we have less chance of succeeding. Actually, it's the opposite. When you see others succeed, it gives you more opportunity to succeed because you realize it's available. I've had so many of my friends start social media channels, podcasts, YouTube channels, and it's incredible to watch their rise. It's incredible to see them give their gift to the world. And what I'm encouraging my community and the people around me to do is say, hey, when you see people celebrate that success. And then of course, verbal encouragement. Social persuasion helps as well. This reduces fear and anxiety through exposure. Confidence doesn't require perfection, it requires evidence. Try this today instead of asking, do I feel confident enough to start? What's one small action I can take to build proof that I can do this? Send the email. Record the first minute, write the first sentence. Show up even if you're shaking. Remember, affirmations don't build confidence. Likes and views don't build confidence. Being told you're great doesn't build confidence. Watching motivational videos doesn't build confidence. There are only three things that build confidence. Choosing discomfort builds confidence. Keeping promises to yourself builds confidence. And building competence builds confidence. Step number six, make failure public. Strategically, the science shows that imagining failure before it happens actually increases your odds of success. Also, vulnerability builds trust. People support you when they see the risk you're taking. Instead of hiding your risk or hiding your fear of failure, you name it, own it, and invite people into the ride. Here's what I want you to say. Here's what I'm building. Here's what might not work. I'm doing it anyway. That honesty earns respect even if people still don't fully get the vision. I remember when I started my journey, I posted on Facebook saying, hey, I'm trying this experiment. I'd love for you to join the journey. If you want to be a part of it, great. If you don't, I totally understand. And all of a sudden it let people know that I was launching without launching. When you kind of drum up this build up to this big launch, it almost feels like too much pressure. And now everyone's expecting it to be perfect when actually when you soft launch and go, hey, I'm trying something, I'm giving it a go. I hope it does well. You get far more energy. You don't win support, you win by hiding risk. You earn it by owning it. Because people don't want perfect, they want authentic. People don't want flawless, they want vulnerable. People don't want polished, they want real. People don't want the highlight real, they want the human behind it. People don't want performance, they want presence. People don't want someone who has it all together. They want someone who's willing to figure it out. Because perfection may impress, but vulnerability connects. It's one of the reasons since my first videos, why I left me scuffing words, why I may not perfect every delivery point, why you may see me thinking sometimes in interviews and podcasts. It's because it was real. It actually happened. And it's why I do a lot of things without a lot of editing. Because I just want you to see my thought process. I want you to hear it as I'm discovering an idea. Because that's when it's powerful. It's that inception moment of discovery, of clarity, of connecting that resonates because it's real.
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It's heart to heart.
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It's human to human. So don't feel that you have to be a perfect public speaker or a perfect coder, or a perfect podcaster or whatever it is to get out there. Here's number seven. Don't try to prove people wrong. Focus on proving yourself right. People with intrinsic motivation driven by personal meaning outperform those with external motivation, like proving someone wrong, especially in the long term. Here's why it's counterintuitive. Revenge. Success sounds good, but purpose driven success lasts longer. Revenge ultimately leads to resentment. Resentment of what you focused on, resentment of that person, and resentment for lost time. Purpose driven success builds confidence, helps you understand your potential, and creates passion. So try this today. Write a mission statement. Not for others, but for yourself. You're not doing this to make them look bad. You're doing this to find what you care about. You're not doing this to prove them wrong. You're doing this to find something that you like doing. You're not doing this because they didn't believe in you. You're doing this because you want to learn to believe in yourself. Keep it somewhere visible. That's your anchor. So if no one's clapping for your idea yet, good. That means you're early. That means you're building something most people can't see. Support may come later, but your belief has to come first. Because at the end of the day, if you don't believe in your idea enough to stand alone for a while, you're not going to be ready for the crowd that comes after. Thank you so much for listening to on purpose. If this episode helped you, the best thing you can do is pass it along to a friend, share it on social media. I love seeing what's resonating with you on TikTok and Instagram. And most importantly, back yourself loud, quietly, relentlessly, even if no one else does. And remember, I'm always rooting for you and I'm forever in your corner.
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If you love this episode, you'll enjoy my conversation with Meghan Trainor on breaking generational trauma and how to be confident from the inside out.
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Meghan Trainor
My therapist told me stand in the mirror naked for five minutes. It was already tough for me to love my body, but after the C section scar with all the stretch marks, now I'm looking at myself like I've been hacked. But day three, when I did it, I was like, you know what?
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Jay Shetty
Her thighs are cute.
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Please welcome aboard the Johnson family.
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Disney Cruise Family
The whole fam's here for the Disney Cruise. So you know we came to play and listen. The adults are going to have a ball. First we're chilling in the infinity pool, on to massages at Sense's Spa, then glass sliding into Star Wars Hyperspace Lounge for a toast. We're even gonna kick back with Mickey on Disney's private island. That's how we get down. Cause Disney Cruise Line is where we came to play.
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Podcast Host
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- [38:16]
Jay Shetty
Here at the Almond Joy Factory, where tropical vibes abound, we use soft, fresh tasting coconut, the co crunchiest almonds and delicious chocolate candy. Ah, but do you know what our most important ingredient is? Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't. Almond Joy's got nuts and something even way better than that. Yes, Almond Joy is made with almonds.
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Meghan Trainor
And Jo.
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Podcast Host
This is an I Heart podcast.