On Purpose with Jay Shetty

Guest: Gabrielle Bernstein

Episode: The Simple 4-Step Method to Heal Anxiety, Stop Overthinking, and Stop People-Pleasing for Good
Date: November 12, 2025

Episode Overview

Jay Shetty welcomes bestselling author, spiritual teacher, and IFS (Internal Family Systems) facilitator Gabrielle Bernstein. Together, they explore the transformative power of IFS therapy and introduce a practical 4-step method for healing anxiety, overthinking, and people-pleasing. The conversation is deeply personal, blending therapeutic insights with spiritual perspectives to equip listeners with actionable tools for inner healing and self-compassion.

Key Topics & Insights

1. Understanding Internal Family Systems (IFS) Therapy

[05:05]

• What is IFS?
  • IFS is “a practice of befriending the activated parts of ourselves, the aspects of ourselves that often we might like the least…the parts of ourselves that can be hyper vigilant or addicted or extreme in any way, or the belief systems and patterns that hold us back from what we really want.” (Gabrielle Bernstein)
• Origin & Impact
  • Gabrielle shares how IFS, developed by Dr. Richard Schwartz, helped her overcome trauma and addiction, leading her to train and facilitate the method for others.
• Key Concept:
  • The most chaotic and dramatic parts of our personality are protector parts, working hard to keep us safe, often rooted in childhood experiences (trauma with a “big T” or “small t”) [06:26].

2. How Protective Mechanisms Develop

[06:26 – 08:27]

• Childhood traumas, both major and minor, lead us to build internal protectors (e.g., people-pleasing, perfectionism, addiction).
• “Those experiences of feeling terror or unlovable or inadequate, not good enough... we would do whatever it took to protect against them. So what we did was you started to build up protection mechanisms.” (Gabrielle, 06:26)
• Goal of IFS: Stop demonizing these protectors and enter into relationship with them.

3. Where Do You Start?

[11:05]

• Begin by noticing patterns (“a part of me checks out when I’m around my parents”) and treat them as ‘parts’ rather than the core self.
• First step: Recognize your protectors; see them not as defects but as parts who once had a purpose.
  • “The aspects of ourselves that cause the most drama…are actually the parts…working so hard to protect us.” (Gabrielle, 02:16/11:07)

4. The 4-Step IFS-Based Healing Practice

[19:21 – 23:04; In-depth exercise at 43:29]

Gabrielle’s book “Self Help” distills IFS into an accessible, four-step check-in process for anyone:

The 4 Steps:

1. Focus Inward:
   • Close your eyes and notice which part feels activated. Where do you feel it in your body?
2. Get Curious:
   • What does this part feel like? Where does it live? Are there thoughts, memories, or sensations attached?
3. Offer Compassion:
   • Ask the part: “What do you need?” Listen without judgment; the answer often relates to needs for love, fun, safety, etc.
4. Check for Self:
   • Reconnect with the “C” qualities of self: Calm, Compassion, Clarity, Courage, Curiosity, Connection, Confidence, Creativity. Notice even a slight shift in energy.

• Practicality:
  • “One minute a day, four steps. Because the thing is, once you do this one time, then you can realize, oh, wait, I can do this maybe in an hour from now…” (Gabrielle, 19:36)
  • Jay affirms: “The part that really helped me was being able to approach something head on, which we don’t do…to actually sit with it with compassion.” [48:09–49:22]

Guided Practice Example:

Gabby leads Jay (and listeners) through the 4-step check-in in real time:

• [43:29 – 48:09]:
  • Jay’s reflection: “It was really pleasant to see. Oh, like, you’re not all that bad. Like, you’ve been needed, you’ve performed a purpose… And I’m grateful.” (Jay, 48:26)

5. Self-Validation vs External Validation

[32:06 – 35:00]

• The more you access self, the less you need validation from others.
• “The more self I’ve accessed inside, the less external validation I need… The irony is that the more self you have, the more self you attract.” (Gabrielle, 32:25)
• True satisfaction comes from honoring yourself for what you’ve been through.

6. Boundaries, People-Pleasing, and Self-Leadership

[73:45 – 80:16]

• Most interpersonal issues today are rooted in weak or misaligned boundaries, often due to people-pleasing parts.
• “Boundaries are only good if they’re led by self.” (Gabrielle, 75:43)
• Gabrielle explains how befriending and working with her “if I don’t do it, nobody else will” part radically improved her leadership and personal relationships:
  • “I checked in with it every single day for at least a year… I have come out the other side. I’m literally looking at people and I’m in a different nervous system.” (Gabrielle, 77:33)

7. Repairing Relationships & Making Amends

[59:36 – 63:42]

• If your protectors have pushed people away or caused harm, begin with self-forgiveness before seeking amends.
• “You won’t really be able…to receive their forgiveness if you don’t forgive yourself first, because then you’re needing them to make it right for you.” (Gabrielle, 59:36)
• In relationships and parenting, modeling self-led behavior and using IFS concepts creates psychological safety for those around you.

8. Parenting and IFS

[60:43 – 63:42]

• Use a casual tone for younger kids, and regulate your own energy—children will co-regulate with your self-led presence.

9. From Judgment to Self-Compassion

[37:24 – 40:38]

• Self-judgment and the inner critic are also protectors.
• Instead of judging these voices, get curious: “What are you trying to reveal? What do you need?”
  • Journaling with the part is a powerful way to translate the four-step check-in process onto paper.

10. Speaking For Your Parts, Not As Your Parts

[50:23]

• With practice, you can own your triggers:
  • “The more you practice this, the easier it is for you to speak for your parts rather than as your parts.” (Gabrielle, 50:27)
• Leads to authentic, transparent interactions in all relationships—including with your partner, colleagues, and friends.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On the foundation of self-work:
  • “Not having that foundation is much more difficult… If we don’t have a faith of our own understanding or a therapeutic… practice…we’re gonna feel really unstable, really uncertain, really anxious and really scared.” (Gabrielle, 17:20)
• On parts as protectors:
  • “Wouldn’t it make sense that the addict had a purpose? That it’s been working really hard to keep you safe? And I want to really let people hear that.” (Gabrielle, 82:34)
• Jay’s reflection on validation:
  • “The only type of validation that really, really affects me deep in my heart…is when it’s coming from me. Because I have all the details, I have the record books, I have the files and the notes on every difficult moment I’ve been through.” (Jay, 34:24)
• Gabby on relationship repair:
  • “You have to make it right for you. And when you do that, that’s when your amends will really land… Self is God, self is the energy of love inside of you. It will show you.” (Gabrielle, 59:36)
• On spiritual proof:
  • “The experience of that molecule of self is something you crave. You want more of it. It’s like going to the gym. You want more of it, so to keep practicing it.” (Gabrielle, 35:00)

Timestamps for Important Segments

| Segment | Timestamp | |-------------------------------------------------------------|-------------| | What is IFS Therapy & Gabrielle’s journey with it | 05:05–11:05 | | The origin of protectors & childhood influence | 06:26–08:27 | | How to identify your protector patterns | 11:05–14:29 | | Four-step IFS practice outlined | 19:21–23:04 | | Guided IFS practice with Gabby and Jay | 43:29–48:09 | | Self-validation vs. external validation | 32:06–35:00 | | Repairing relationships & making amends | 59:36–63:42 | | Boundaries, people-pleasing, and the “do it all” part | 73:45–79:40 | | Speaking for your parts instead of as your parts | 50:23–53:53 | | Parenting and self-led leadership | 60:43–63:42 |

Standout Takeaways

1. Radical Self-Compassion:
Your most troublesome behaviors or feelings aren’t “bad”; they’re protectors developed to help you survive and function. True healing begins when you approach them with curiosity and compassion.

2. Micro-Practices Create Macro Change:
The four-step method can take just one minute a day, but over time, brings transformative change—greater clarity, calm, confidence, and capacity for connection.

3. Self-Leadership Sets the Tone:
When you operate from self, those around you—partners, children, colleagues—are invited to rise to that level too, creating ripples of healing and better relationships.

4. Boundaries Are Only Healthy When Self-Led:
Neither rigid walls nor people-pleasing are true boundaries. The more connected you are to self, the easier it is to set—and keep—boundaries without guilt.

5. You Must Befriend, Not Battle, Your Parts:
The ultimate goal isn’t to banish your “negative” parts but to relate to them, heal their burdens, and allow them to return to their natural supportive roles.

Final Five Rapid-Fire Questions (Selected Answers)

• Best Advice Ever Received:
  • “Befriend the parts of yourself inside.” (Gabrielle, 80:59)
• Worst Advice Ever Received:
  • “Stop doing YouTube and start blogging.” (Gabrielle, 83:35)
• One Law for the World:
  • “To get to know your parts. Heal on the inside.” (Gabrielle, 89:31)

Episode in a Sentence

This conversation demystifies healing by reframing our “flaws” as protective parts, and offers a practical, compassionate four-step process for reconnecting with our true self—helping listeners begin, or deepen, a journey to internal harmony, meaningful relationships, and unshakable self-leadership.

Further Resources

• Book: “Self Help” by Gabrielle Bernstein
• IFS Information: Internal Family Systems [Dr. Richard Schwartz]
• Follow Gabby on YouTube, Instagram, and TikTok.