← On Purpose with Jay Shetty
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
HAYDEN PANETTIERE: The Truth Behind the Headlines (Finally Telling Her Story In Her Own Words)
02:03:56
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- [00:00]
Jay Shetty
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- [01:57]
Hayden Panettiere
I worked so hard to create this incredible life and career and I burnt it all to the ground. Don't believe what you see in a picture. There's so much more going on. So much more. For the first time, I was able to put into words what has been going on for of the past decade. I was going to ask if I could read it.
- [02:23]
Host (likely Jay Shetty's podcast host or interviewer)
I'd really appreciate it.
- [02:24]
Hayden Panettiere
Okay.
- [02:30]
Jay Shetty
Hey everyone.
- [02:30]
Host (likely Jay Shetty's podcast host or interviewer)
Welcome back to On Purpose, the place you come to become happier, healthier and more healed. Today's guest is one of those stories that I believe allows so many of us to understand more deeply, to expand our compassion, to recognize the value of what we all go through behind the scenes when. When you actually live a very public life, a life that we think we know, but we know very, very little about. Today I am joined by Hayden Panettiere, an actress so many of us grew up Watching, whose career spanned more than three decades, from one of my favorites, remember the Titans, to becoming a global star on Heroes and earning two Golden Globe nominations for her role on Nashville. Now, for the first time, Hayden is sitting down to share her story in her own words in her powerful new memoir that got to read beforehand. This is Me, a reckoning. Please welcome to On Purpose, Hayden Panettier. Hayden, welcome to the show. Thank you for being here.
- [03:31]
Hayden Panettiere
It's an honor to be here.
- [03:33]
Host (likely Jay Shetty's podcast host or interviewer)
I want to start by just saying that when I read the book, I can't imagine how challenging, difficult and vulnerable you had to be to even begin to capture the amount of life that you've lived in these 36 years. And I just want to acknowledge the courage and strength that I saw in it when I was reading it. And I was so looking forward to our conversation today because I really wanted to learn about the human behind these words, but also behind the headlines and the news that we've seen. I wanted to start off by asking you what, say, childhood memory that you have that you feel defines who you are today?
- [04:13]
Hayden Panettiere
God. Got a laundry list I can think of off the top of my head, but really defines who I am. I think I've been really impacted by the people that I've gotten to work with and especially when I was at very sensitive ages. Like when I think back to Remember the Titans, as you said, at 10 years old, that experience, that whole experience, everyone on set and playing that character of Cheryl, that felt so similar to who I was naturally as a person. I felt like that really shaped me, really shaped my perspective of the industry. Made me feel like now I know what kind of actor I want to be. I want to be generous and I want to be there for people. But this, this can also be fun.
- [05:06]
Host (likely Jay Shetty's podcast host or interviewer)
Yeah, absolutely. I wanted to read from your book, if that's all right.
- [05:09]
Hayden Panettiere
Yeah, of course.
- [05:10]
Host (likely Jay Shetty's podcast host or interviewer)
You say in the book that from a very young age, I lost the chance to have a normal childhood, friends, relationships, and my privacy, because instead of fighting it, I leaned into the talent I was somehow blessed with. And I wanted to ask you, like, what do you think a normal child would look like and how was yours different from that?
- [05:32]
Hayden Panettiere
Well, to me, a normal childhood looked like extracurricular activities. It looked like doing, you know, going to school, being in school all day long, having a social life and connection with your peers. You know, going home, doing homework, having play dates, having friends over, having those kind of experiences. And even though I did get some of that because I had to live that life and had to be removed from it all the time. Whether it was to go to auditions or to go to work. I constantly was missing out on the social aspect of what was going on with my. I mean, I was trying to be friends with them, but when you miss out, you know, and then you sit down, you really have nothing to talk about. Because I only had my experience and what I did yesterday, which was I was on set or I was in the city doing an audition, and that wasn't something that I could expect anyone around me to understand. So I feel like I got a taste of what I saw, what a normal childhood would be. And I was on swim team, and I did do gymnastics, and, you know, occasionally I got invited to a birthday party, but a lot of the times I was left out. So it didn't feel like I had a normal childhood, normal upbringing, but to me, it was. Yeah, just being able to be a kid.
- [07:15]
Host (likely Jay Shetty's podcast host or interviewer)
Yeah. Did you recognize that then?
- [07:17]
Hayden Panettiere
I did. I remember school was very tricky for me because here I was trying to fit into two different worlds, and I was dealing with this massive world, which is the industry, and dealing with big emotions like what you feel after rejection or not getting a role or a ridiculous amount of praise, an unhealthy amount of praise that you get at too young of an age. And then I had the world that I was desperately trying to fit into as well, that I was supposed to fit into, that it should have been easy to fit into, and I couldn't fit into that either. So I was like, where do I belong?
- [08:01]
Host (likely Jay Shetty's podcast host or interviewer)
Yeah, it's hard when you're caught in between two different worlds, and you somehow, as a very young child, have to somehow make it look seamless and move through these worlds with taking emotions from this one into that and that one into this, and.
- [08:16]
Hayden Panettiere
Yeah. And you don't want anyone to see you sweat.
- [08:19]
Jay Shetty
Yes.
- [08:19]
Hayden Panettiere
Either you want to make it. You want to be cool, calm, and collected. Because being overly emotional around your people that age, like my age, it doesn't go over well, and it doesn't go over well with adults either. So you have to, like, bottle up all of these emotions.
- [08:35]
Host (likely Jay Shetty's podcast host or interviewer)
Yeah. Wow. Yeah. It almost feels like when you're with your kids your age, you're just trying to fit in and be cool, but you're dealing with these emotions you're carrying over, and then when you're with the adults, you're trying to make sure everyone's happy and everything's going okay and.
- [08:48]
Hayden Panettiere
Yeah. I feel like the first time I really felt like I didn't fit in, though, was actually when I was in kindergarten, and it was brought on by the teacher not liking me. The opinions of the teachers and the way that the adults saw me was rubbing off on the kids. And I can only imagine what the kids parents were saying about, you know, their children going to school with an actress at home. But, yeah, I was bullied first by a teacher in kindergarten and then graduated to first grade. Was the first time I heard anyone say, raise their hand and say, why does Hayden get to miss school and we don't? And that was the first time I felt like, oh, they really bothers them that what I do. And then middle school, which is treacherous for anybody, but especially as a female. Like, girls are really hard on each other and wouldn't help when the teacher would roll in a screen and say, hey, we're gonna watch a movie during class. And everyone would get excited. And then they pop in, remember the Titans? And there I was trying to fit in and just trying to find a seat next to somebody who wasn't rolling their eyes and huffing and puffing about having to sit next to me. I was just trying to blend. And then they were popping that on, and I was just like, is this even legal? Like, can you do this to a kid? Child abuse?
- [10:20]
Host (likely Jay Shetty's podcast host or interviewer)
Yeah. Was it ever clear what the reason the teacher who bullied you was or did they ever have any interactions with your family or.
- [10:28]
Hayden Panettiere
No. I mean, first of all, kindergarten is way too young to really have do anything wrong. I mean, I remember the first time she ever bullied me was the very first day of kindergarten. And we were coloring, and they had the color, the crayons in these wet wipe. The wet wipe boxes. And they said, you know, wrap it up, everybody. Close the boxes. And as being. Being kids, you know, it became a little bit of a race of who's going to close it first. And I went to close one, and another girl went to close it at the same time, and it went on her finger. And I apologized profusely and felt horrible about it. And I remember her best friend walked up and said, yeah, but we have to tell on you. And my heart sank, and I didn't know how it was going to go. And they walked up to the teacher and. And told her, and I looked at her and I said, it was an accident. And she looked right at me, and she said, oh, it doesn't look like an accident to me.
- [11:26]
Host (likely Jay Shetty's podcast host or interviewer)
Wow.
- [11:27]
Hayden Panettiere
And I mean, at such a young age for that to, like, that stuck with me, you know, all of these years later, not all of my teachers were like. There were teachers that were supportive, but there was a substitute teacher who came in and she would call me the big cheese in front of everyone. She. She said, what you think because you're an actress, you. You're the big cheese. And that's so not who I was and so not who I wanted to be. So quite the experience, trying to fit in, disappointed in. In people. I really just. Just wanted to, as you said, fit in. I want it to be normal, like every kid. Like every kid, yeah.
- [12:11]
Host (likely Jay Shetty's podcast host or interviewer)
Like all of us do. And as someone, by the way you described it, I had a very normal childhood. And it's hard enough as it is, even when it's, you know, normal. And so when something's making you stand out or someone's pointing things out, especially as kids when we don't have a clue what's going on, and all the other kids in your class who wouldn't really understand how to make context of this, you need an adult to kind of make sense of it.
- [12:35]
Hayden Panettiere
Yeah. And. And a lot of it, I felt like came out of left field. One of the things I'm sure you read in the book is that I kept the notes that were passed to me in school, the nasty notes, and I kept them in my binder and I kept them under my bed. And I think it was because I wanted to desperately to understand what they were seeing in me. And it started the habit of changing who I was to make others happy, to make them like me. And I thought if I could understand where they were coming from or what they saw or what they didn't like, that I could. Maybe it was the actress in me and having been directed all my life, that I could change my performance a little bit and it would make them accept me.
- [13:29]
Host (likely Jay Shetty's podcast host or interviewer)
Yeah. You also had the. You've talked about having the pressure to support and provide for your family as well. Right. Did you always know that that was your responsibility? Even then? Like when you're talking about this idea of performing, making sure everyone else is okay, I wonder how much of it was something you had to do at home as well?
- [13:45]
Hayden Panettiere
I want to make it clear that, I mean, my father was a lieutenant in the fire department and he had businesses, so I wasn't supporting the family. But I do remember being very young and my mom trying to explain to me that this corporation that she set up, this corporation she set up paid for the cars, the lease on the cars, and the cell phone bills because it was a tax write off. And I remember that role Reversal being incredibly uncomfortable for me where I was. You know, on one hand, I was still a kid, and I was listening to my. My. My parents and had to do everything that they told me I could and could not do. But at the same time, I was working hard, making money, and this money was going towards things that I wasn't privy to. So as my dad would kick my butt if I made people think that I supported the whole family. But then when I got older, too, and my mom bought an apartment for me when I was 16 and my whole family lived in it. So again, it was just that very strange, uncomfortable feeling of the role reversal and desperately wanting to still feel like the kid and still feel like I had parents to lean on. I didn't want. Even when I was a kid, I was scared of the dark. And my dad would. I would make my dad lay down next to me, and if his head ever went below mine, I would freak out and make him, you know, sit up further so I could. Because I wanted to feel like the kid that has kind of continued on in my life. Just wanted to. Wanting to know that if I found myself in a terrible position that I could call somebody to help me, I could rely on somebody. I wasn't the only person. I wasn't the person that everybody else was relying on, and therefore nobody was there for me.
- [15:53]
Host (likely Jay Shetty's podcast host or interviewer)
Yeah. I mean, and so natural, right. To want that and to seek that is so real and so natural, especially as a young child and kid. And then, of course, with everything else that you're taking on. There's nothing about that that feels anything but what every child deserves and what every child wants and, you know.
- [16:11]
Hayden Panettiere
Yeah.
- [16:11]
Host (likely Jay Shetty's podcast host or interviewer)
Deeply is looking for. But I know in the book, you also write about how there's this sense of what you were just saying about collecting all these notes and not wanting to almost let the kids down and become who they need to be. It feels like that kind of became your relationship with your mom as well, where you didn't want to disappoint her.
- [16:27]
Hayden Panettiere
Oh, my gosh. That was my entire relationship with her. She was my boss. That's how I saw her. Even though she was the most supportive person when I, you know, did what I was supposed to do and did it, did it well. And was the one cheering me on. It did feel like that was what I had to do to get her love. And that was, you know, a tough pill to swallow. I never. Everything was business. Everything was business focused. And there's not. I mean, I started at eight months old. There's I don't even. I can't even remember a time where she wasn't a momager, you know, where everything didn't revolve around business. And there were periods of time, as I got older where we spent a lot of time traveling and on the road together and I was the only person there. So I became the confidant and the assistant and the therapist and the shoulder to cry on and everything. But her child.
- [17:35]
Host (likely Jay Shetty's podcast host or interviewer)
Have you ever had the opportunity to tell her that and to have that conversation with her?
- [17:39]
Hayden Panettiere
When I was 19, I finally got the guts to. Got up the courage to split from her as business wise, because I desperately wanted a relationship with her, desperately wanted her to just be my mom. And so she came into my trailer during lunch when we were filming Heroes and I said to her, I don't want us to work together anymore. I just want you to be my mom. And I remember being hopeful, but there was that part of me who knew her too well. But I also wasn't expecting the reaction that I got, which was, you owe me. And that's all she said. And she walked out. And part of me was like, oh, I'm relieved that it was short, like, ripped the band aid off. But then it was like this dark, looming cloud, you know, over my head going, what does she mean by I owe her? What form of payment is she expecting? And it was disappointing to find out that it was money and that she didn't pursue a relationship with me as just a mother, daughter. Like, once the business aspect was removed. I was hoping that if I remove this, then there will be no reason for her to be anything other than my mom. And the fact that it seemed like she didn't want to have, didn't care to have that relationship with me was a tough pill to swallow as a child.
- [19:27]
Host (likely Jay Shetty's podcast host or interviewer)
I'm sure you were. Also, even as a teenager, you're still dealing with the guilt of, like, how do I have this conversation with my mom? Because I'm guessing there was a part of you that was of course grateful and of course, of course, like, you know, but at the same time, I hear your intention loud and clear, which is, I just want you to be my mom.
- [19:46]
Hayden Panettiere
Yeah.
- [19:47]
Host (likely Jay Shetty's podcast host or interviewer)
And I don't want you to play another role in my life and then to not get that other role, even when that part's taken care of it. Yeah. Do you still not connect or talk today?
- [19:57]
Hayden Panettiere
At the moment, no. There. There is not a relationship between her and I. Sadly, I've gone through periods of time where we just. We haven't spoken at all. It seemed to me there. It was kind of like there was no reason. She had no reason to call. And the only reason why she would reach out was when something was needed. It wasn't just to say, you know, hi, or how are you? Or let's grab a bite or anything like that. It's been a really tough road, and I've. No matter how many times that door has been slammed in my face, I've desperately seeked her approval for my entire life. You know, she was the person, after every take that I looked to. I wouldn't look to the director or the producers or anybody else. The only person that existed, and the only person whose opinion. Opinion mattered to me was hers. So after every take, no matter what I was doing, I would find her. And I'm sure I made the directors feel like, hey, because I would run right past them, straight to mom, and I had to make sure that she was happy with it and I wasn't in trouble because if I didn't do it right, I was in trouble. Yeah, it was not a good, good reaction. But, I mean, I've lived to. To please her and, And. And even though, as I said, as you said, you know, I'm incredibly grateful you're here. She's. She. And I've never had a conversation with her as to why she stopped acting and decided to focus her entire life on creating a career for me. And whether it was just that she felt like I was good at it, which is why she kept me in it, or she wanted to live vicariously, or if she wanted to create a potentially successful future for me. I haven't gotten a chance to really talk with her about that, but I'm very grateful for everything that I have. It was just very confusing because I never asked for it. And that was the thing. Like, I wasn't. There were times where things would get overwhelming, and I could tell they would get overwhelming for her. And she's a big personality. And I also felt very guilty about us having to spend so much time away from my father and her having to spend so much time away from her son, my little brother, who was growing up, and that it was because of me. It was because of what I was doing, and it was. Was my fault. And I remember actually turning to me one night and saying, you're the reason why I'm missing my son growing up. And, you know, that was a punch in the gut. But as grateful as I was, I wanted to say to her, but I didn't Ask you to take me on auditions. I didn't. I wasn't even old enough to, you know, proceed to understand anything but good, bad, hot, cold, cold, diaper change, food, you know, that kind of stuff. So there were really high emotions. I loved what I did, and I had great experiences. But at the same time, I was like, I didn't beg you to give me your life, to sacrifice all of this so that I could have this career.
- [23:43]
Host (likely Jay Shetty's podcast host or interviewer)
Yeah, it wasn't your dream. It wasn't your choice.
- [23:46]
Hayden Panettiere
And I don't know if it would have been eventually. You know, I went through that all the time.
- [23:51]
Host (likely Jay Shetty's podcast host or interviewer)
Talk to me about that. Because even earlier, when I read the excerpt from the book, you talk about this idea of acting being a talent that you just leaned into because it was a gift that you were given, and then you leaned into it. It's almost like you never got the opportunity to discover who you would have been.
- [24:06]
Hayden Panettiere
I remember being about. I would say, around probably 12 years old and having a total identity crisis. I mean, I was standing in my room and I had been auditioning and acting, and I was sitting there going, who am I? Which part am I? Because I can be all of these different characters, and I can find all these parts in me, and I can become. And I can bring out my fiercer side, or I can be more gentle, whatever the character called for. And they all felt like parts of me, but who the heck was I? Like, just without this, who would I be if. Without this? So I was very aware of it, and I was very aware that it was going to have an impact on me when I was older. And I was very worried about that. I didn't talk to anybody about it ever. I didn't think anybody would ever have an answer. I don't, you know, to it, But I was. I was like, this is going to screw you up as an adult. It's going to rear its ugly head and it's going. And you're not gonna be able to make the connection between why a certain behavior, why am I behaving like this as an adult? It's gonna be very difficult to find the connection to the childhood experience that caused that.
- [25:38]
Host (likely Jay Shetty's podcast host or interviewer)
It's a lot to take on. So young and hard to process and, yeah, hard to know where it goes and how it moves forward with you in your life. It sounds like you were being reflective of this almost all the way. It doesn't feel like something that you've only done recently. It feels like at every stage, whether it was 12 or 19, when you finally make the decision. Did you ever start to feel a sense of choice and agency and effect?
- [26:06]
Hayden Panettiere
I'd grown up in a household where, you know, as much as I love the chaos of my family, there was a lot of headbutting going on. So when I was 18 and Heroes was on and we had all, as a family, moved out to LA and we were living under the same roof in a condo with dogs and cats and just we were in each other. We went from living all living in a big house to living in very tight quarters. But as soon as I was 18, I was. I went to my mom and I said, I want, I want to move out. And I knew I needed to move out for my own mental and emotional health. I would say 18 was when I finally felt courageous enough to communicate that and to start my own life.
- [27:12]
Host (likely Jay Shetty's podcast host or interviewer)
Yeah. Did that come with a sense of confidence and kind of enthusiasm that you had that, or was it almost like a necessity of I just need to do this to survive?
- [27:22]
Hayden Panettiere
Yeah, no, it was, it was both. It was, it was. The idea was terrifying because I am a true pack animal. Like, I need people around me. That's. It's arguably it has the biggest impact on me mentally, emotionally, spiritually, which leads to physically. Yes, it was survival. It was definitely survival. It was necessity. It was, I need to get myself out of here. And it was. I carried a lot of guilt with me, leaving my little brother other behind in what I could no longer tolerate. And I was terrified to live alone. I didn't want to be lonely. I wanted people around me. I was still scared of the dark and didn't want to not have anybody to, you know, lay down next to me until I went to sleep to make sure that I was safe. So it was exciting, but at the same time, I would say it was. It was more so. Necessity.
- [28:24]
Host (likely Jay Shetty's podcast host or interviewer)
Yeah. Yeah. I mean, you know, as I was reading your book and learning more and more about you, it was almost like my empathy for you just like grew every time. And. And I mean that in your strength, for your strength in these situations. Not as a sense of pity or feeling sorry for you, but seeing just how strong you had to be in so many different situations. And this when I got to this point. But when you write about this in the book, you write about a moment in your career where a friend of yours takes you onto a boat, you're led to a room which has an older man in it and then basically told to perform sexual acts. And, you know, oh, yeah. And when I read that, I'm like, oh, gosh, like, not only have you felt like you've had a really unsupported, you know, upbringing, you now with a friend in the industry, and then ending up in a situation like this. Could you talk to me about what that moment does to your psyche when you're. That.
- [29:21]
Hayden Panettiere
I mean, the fact that I was 18, even though I'd lived such a huge life, and I thought I was, oh, so mature at 18, you know, scientifically, you know, her frontal lobes don't develop until we're what, 20, 26, 25? 26. So even though I felt like I could make healthy decisions, safe decisions, I wasn't capable of being fully aware of what was going on around me. And it wasn't until I found myself in predicaments that I realized, like, it. My. My perspective completely shifted and I realized that I was in danger. But by the time I'd realized I was in danger, I was quite literally at. See, and it was. I mean, that moment shook me and was shocking and I was quite literally put. Walked down. And I had been having a great time. There was no hints of anything like that happening. So it took me. I was shocked. It took me by surprise. And it was somebody led by somebody that I had grown to trust and see as a protector and somebody who had my back and to be walked down, you know, down the stairs. And it was. It was as like a surprise presented as though it was like a surprise. And it was this very small room, and she physically put me in the bed next to this undressed man who was very famous and. And had his hands like this. Like, this was just an average day for him. This is something that happens all the time. And I waited for her to leave. And I mean, that lion in me, that fire in me that. My hair stood on end, and I became ferocious. I was like, this is not happening. But I had nowhere to hide, and I bolted and I. I hid wherever I could think of to hide on. On a boat. On a boat. There was no jumping off and swimming away. And there was nobody who was going to. I realized that there was nobody who was going to be empathetic to my situation, that this was nothing new to them.
- [32:10]
Host (likely Jay Shetty's podcast host or interviewer)
I mean, you know, that sounds such a horrifying event to go through and to be put in that position at
- [32:16]
Hayden Panettiere
18 years old and disappointing when somebody lets you down like that. And I'd been let down so much before that when you really find somebody that you trust, like, you hold on to them for dear life and you feel so lucky. So to be betrayed like that is just an awful feeling. Foreign.
- [32:48]
Jay Shetty
Hey, it's Jay Shetty. You know, recently I was thinking about how far we've come with staying in touch. It's hard to believe that the first phone call ever happened over 150 years ago. Just think about that one moment that started billions of conversations. The other day, I called a friend that I hadn't spoken to in months. We spent a few minutes just catching up. Talking, laughing, sharing what's going on in our lives. Lives. That short conversation reminded me how powerful a single call can be. It doesn't take hours to make someone feel seen. It just takes picking up the phone. Those moments felt simple, but they stay with you. And you know, over all these years and phone calls, AT&T has been there, connecting people in meaningful ways. This is more than a story of technological innovation. It's a story of human connection. So today, call someone you care about. One conversation can mean every everything.
- [33:36]
Hayden Panettiere
Connecting changes everything. AT&T.
- [33:41]
Jay Shetty
I've been really intentional about how I start my mornings lately. Before the noise of the day begins, I step outside, feel the sunlight, and take a few slow breaths. It's become a small ritual, but one that grounds everything else. And in the summer, when you're traveling or constantly on the move, it's easy
- [33:57]
Host (likely Jay Shetty's podcast host or interviewer)
to lose that rhythm.
- [33:58]
Jay Shetty
That's why I've been bringing cachava with me me especially their new travel packs. It's effortless. You just throw a packet in your
- [34:05]
Host (likely Jay Shetty's podcast host or interviewer)
bag and wherever you are, your ritual goes with you.
- [34:08]
Jay Shetty
What I appreciate is how complete it feels. You're getting plant based protein, fiber, greens, probiotics, electrolytes, and essential vitamins and minerals
- [34:17]
Host (likely Jay Shetty's podcast host or interviewer)
all in one shake.
- [34:18]
Jay Shetty
It supports steady energy, digestion and even your focus throughout the day. And it's clean. No artificial flavors. Non gmo, no animal products, no gluten.
- [34:27]
Host (likely Jay Shetty's podcast host or interviewer)
Gluten.
- [34:27]
Jay Shetty
It actually tastes good too. With flavors like chocolate, vanilla, matcha chai, coconut, acai and strawberry. It's not about doing everything perfectly. It's about staying consistent even when life changes and having something that supports your body. Wherever you are. Take your daily ritual with you. Go to kachava.com and use code purpose for 15% off your first order. That's Kachava. K A C H A V A CodePurpose. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. You know, the other night I found myself lying awake just thinking about everything. Work, life, the future.
- [35:06]
Host (likely Jay Shetty's podcast host or interviewer)
And trying to piece it all together on my own.
- [35:08]
Jay Shetty
And may being Mental Health awareness month feels like a gentle reminder that Whatever
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Host (likely Jay Shetty's podcast host or interviewer)
you're carrying, you don't have to carry it alone.
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Jay Shetty
Life comes in waves. Some days feel calm, others feel overwhelmed. And when things feel heavy, we tend
- [35:21]
Host (likely Jay Shetty's podcast host or interviewer)
to stay in our own heads, trying
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Jay Shetty
to make sense of it all without letting anyone in. But having someone to talk to, someone who listens without judgment, can change how
- [35:31]
Host (likely Jay Shetty's podcast host or interviewer)
we move through it. Therapy gives you that space.
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Jay Shetty
And with BetterHelp, you're matched with a licensed therapist who follows a strict code
- [35:39]
Host (likely Jay Shetty's podcast host or interviewer)
of conduct so you know you're speaking to someone qualified and professional.
- [35:43]
Jay Shetty
You're also connected to a global network
- [35:45]
Host (likely Jay Shetty's podcast host or interviewer)
of over 30,000 therapists, making it the world's largest online therapy platform.
- [35:51]
Jay Shetty
They've served over 6 million people globally, and it works with an average rating
- [35:55]
Host (likely Jay Shetty's podcast host or interviewer)
of 4.9 out of 5 from over 1.7 million client reviews.
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Jay Shetty
If you've been feeling anxious, stuck or
- [36:02]
Host (likely Jay Shetty's podcast host or interviewer)
unsure lately, you're not alone.
- [36:05]
Jay Shetty
So many people are navigating the same
- [36:07]
Host (likely Jay Shetty's podcast host or interviewer)
feelings quietly this month.
- [36:09]
Jay Shetty
Take a moment to check in with
- [36:10]
Host (likely Jay Shetty's podcast host or interviewer)
yourself and if you need support, allow yourself to receive it.
- [36:14]
Jay Shetty
You don't have to be on this journey alone.
- [36:16]
Host (likely Jay Shetty's podcast host or interviewer)
Find support and have someone with you in therapy.
- [36:19]
Jay Shetty
Sign up and get 10% off at
- [36:21]
Host (likely Jay Shetty's podcast host or interviewer)
betterhelp.com JSTOP3 that's better. H-L-P.com JSTOP3. How do you you decide who you trust now?
- [36:41]
Hayden Panettiere
It doesn't seem like I've done much of a very good job. I don't think I've gotten much better at choosing on one hand because I do feel like there are certain people that negative with negative energy and that are just not good people and that have been drawn to me for whatever reason and who I've not seen clearly immediately. It took me a while, like they really were able to pull the wool over my eyes, which you would not. I didn't expect of myself, you know, having had all the life experience that I have and having had things like that already happen to me, like you would think it would have been a learning experience and it, you know, I would have made sure that it never happened again. And unfortunately, that was not the case. But that being said, on the other hand, I have had amazing people in my life. I mean, my dad has been a huge support system for me since I was a kid. He was the safe space and there's a lot of me in him. He is the person that kept me grounded and made me, you know, the good in me. I got my big, big heart from him. But I have throughout the years been fortunate enough to meet just incredible people and I do have a group of friends that are incredible people, incredibly loyal, and are genuinely, genuinely good. So they're just a few that have snuck in here and there.
- [38:38]
Host (likely Jay Shetty's podcast host or interviewer)
Yeah, I think. And I got to meet some of them today. You know, your best friend is with you and, and others who are, who are wonderful people and, you know, great to see you surrounded by them. And I was sharing this with you as we were speaking before that sometimes I feel that. I think a lot of good people beat themselves up for attracting negative people around them. And the truth is, I don't think you attract negative people. I think when you get. Get so big and large in your work and your career and you're exposed to so many people, you just come across more negative people because you're exposed to more. You know, you don't.
- [39:15]
Hayden Panettiere
Right.
- [39:15]
Host (likely Jay Shetty's podcast host or interviewer)
Like, if. If you're only exposed to your town or your community, whatever, maybe you'll come across a couple of people. But when you start getting exposed to a bigger industry in a bigger world.
- [39:24]
Hayden Panettiere
Right, but exposed is one thing, but then I, It. It's hard for me not to beat myself up over letting them get past, you know, my defenses, letting them get close to me and for how long I have. You know, it's really, as I told you before, it's really important for me to have to choose the people who are around me wisely. And I have an incredible team of people who are not just great at what they do, but who are just. Have become dear, dear friends. Friends and confidants and protectors. And I haven't always had that. And they're not afraid to tell me the truth either. And that's a hugely important thing for me. But it's hard to not beat myself up for certain people having access to my life that were not. Should never have had access, should never have been a part of my life for many, many, many reasons.
- [40:36]
Host (likely Jay Shetty's podcast host or interviewer)
Yeah. I feel like when you're young as well, from having spoken to quite a lot of young talent in the industry, it's. It's almost like you're hoping that the adults around you are making good choices. And you talk about in the book how you were actually given pills before a red carpet to make you feel more confident and how that planted the seeds for so many others, the things that came in the future. And again, you're coming to a point where you're hoping the people around you, especially when you're young, to help you make better decisions, especially when you start as young as you did.
- [41:09]
Hayden Panettiere
Yeah. And the person who handed me Those pills. I had already developed a very tight relationship and a great bond with them. So when it happened, I didn't see it as anything inappropriate or negative. I. I trusted this person and this, it was not. I didn't just have a great personal relationship with this person, but this person's job as a part of their job was to always protect me. And so I was. I was so used to following the directions of the people that I respected, the people that I worked with. They told me to jump, I jumped. They told me to wear this, I wore that. I trusted them more than I ever trusted myself. I wasn't raised to trust myself except for my instincts as an actor that was installed in me. But as a person, it was a completely different story.
- [42:23]
Host (likely Jay Shetty's podcast host or interviewer)
And at the same time, you're getting this, like, you know, huge wins, like you become one of the most, you know, well known popular young actors when you land heroes. And it's this huge moment and from the outside it just looks like an incredible accomplishment. What's, what's going through your heart and mind when that happens? In. In all emotions, what are you experiencing?
- [42:42]
Hayden Panettiere
The success meant that I. My mom was going to be happy with me, so that was, that was hugely important. It also meant that I fit in, that I.
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Host (likely Jay Shetty's podcast host or interviewer)
You found your place?
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Hayden Panettiere
Yes, I found my place. That I was finally, somebody accepted me and I was part of something that involved other people and they became my crew, my group of friends. I finally felt like I fit in somewhere and I finally felt like, my gosh, I made it. I remember the first time I walked out of my apartment in paparazzi. I was about 16 years old and I had imagined younger getting to that place in my career where I would get paparazzi. And I just think it'd be, what am I gonna do? Like one of those, like, no, don't take a picture of me. Like, it's gonna be one of those, like, just like be perfectly, you know, beautiful shots. And it was just sheer terror. I mean, the shot, like when I actually happened, I heard this and I looked up and it was, I remember it feeling like I was looking down the barrel of a gun. And it was a guy sitting in his car with his window rolled down. And I, I was, I think it was walking my, my dogs. And I was horrified because I was like, oh my gosh, that's not the look that I expected to have. That picture is of me looking terrified, absolutely terrified, and probably going to something like that. That's not the shot you, the first want.
- [44:28]
Host (likely Jay Shetty's podcast host or interviewer)
Yeah, definitely.
- [44:29]
Hayden Panettiere
That's what happened.
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Host (likely Jay Shetty's podcast host or interviewer)
Yeah, yeah.
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Hayden Panettiere
You can plan all you want, and God laughs.
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Host (likely Jay Shetty's podcast host or interviewer)
Yeah, yeah, definitely. I mean, but you.
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Jay Shetty
You talked about this.
- [44:36]
Host (likely Jay Shetty's podcast host or interviewer)
You said this at the start. This idea of just, like, how your life became used to living for applause. Like having to get the applause from your mom and then the community and then, of course, paparazzi, whatever, Right? It's like you kind of see that trend.
- [44:50]
Hayden Panettiere
Oh, yeah. And then it grows and it grew and it grew and it went from something that was, like, kind of cool to something that was incredibly dangerous and incredibly invasive. And not just for me, but for the people around me. For I did felt like the people around, like, I wasn't safe. The people around me weren't. Were being affected by it. I was very protective of my little brother, fiercely protective of the people, people I love, period. And especially back then, when I was 16 years old, it was a whole different ball game. Like, the paparazzi situation crossed lines that still blow my mind today that were legal. They were able to do the things that were said the way that they would box you in while you were driving. I remember coming out of a store once and. And it was, you know, one person saw me in, suddenly it was over a hundred outside, and they kicked me. I just felt this kick on the back of my leg. And I realized. And when I turned around, they had a camera in my face. And I realized that they were trying to get a reaction out of me. Because I remember a very famous successful publicist sat me down when I was young. And I think when Heroes was about to changed my life permanently. And he knew this, and he sat me down and had a whole conversation with me about how to handle paparazzi and how to keep your expressions, you know, kind of boring, if you will, but the lengths that people will go to get that shot. And the things that they would say to me at such a young age were. Were appalling. They were truly just. Just mind blowing and shocking. It was just wildly dangerous. And I was like, why? Especially after Princess Diana, how. How has this not changed? How has nobody stepped in and stopped this? This is crazy.
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Host (likely Jay Shetty's podcast host or interviewer)
How did you cope? And, like, what did you do? How did you deal with all of that? Because that just seems overwhelming.
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Hayden Panettiere
There was nothing to do. Like, that was. That was. You feel completely helpless. Yes. Powerless, helpless. I would get in the car and I drove, like, bat out of ha. Double hockey sticks. Like, I would. I was. I became a NASCAR driver and knock on wood, thank God. Nothing, Nothing. Nobody ever got hurt. But there was one time I Was out trying to outrun them in a rental car. And I was going so fast down the street that I had to make a quick right turn. I hit my brakes, and instead of the car stopping, it just went for the slide directly into traffic. So I would. I mean, I was able to turn into traffic, like, just in time, in the nick of time. Like somebody. I felt like somebody was watching over me and protecting me at that point. And sometimes I just had to go home afterwards. I. And I went out with a plan to do something and it wasn't safe and I didn't feel like dealing with them all day long, so I just went home and would go, ha. You didn't get your. You didn't get your shot. But I also didn't get to do what I wanted when I was living on my own. I remember having to call, like, taxis at the time. We didn't have Uber or anything up to my house, and I would have to lie down in. In the backseat, like, almost on the floor so that they couldn't see the paparazzi that were waiting in the street, couldn't see that I was in the car or have a friend pick me up. And I would have to hide under yoga mats and things like that. I also didn't realize, like, we'd go to somewhere like, let's say, the Grove. How many people. Or somewhere on Lake Rodeo. How many people were paid money to do this, to be a celebrity spotter, Right? And, you know, you think you, You. You've fooled them and you got out of there and it just takes one person to the wrong person to see you and there goes your day.
- [49:38]
Host (likely Jay Shetty's podcast host or interviewer)
Yeah, well, you know, wow. I believe it was around the same time. In the book, you talk about meeting Vlad for the first time when you're doing the show. And I was. I was wondering, what do you. When you reflect back on it now and meeting him, what version of you were you then?
- [49:53]
Hayden Panettiere
When I met him, I was 19. I liked myself back then, actually. When I think. When I think back on it, I felt like I held my own. Well, I found a lot of joy in life. I was a really happy person. I hadn't had anything, you know, I hadn't lost people I loved or been through anything that had negatively shaped me. So I was. I was in a really good mental spot, healthy mental spot. When I. When I met him, I was full of piss and vinegar, as my mom would say.
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Host (likely Jay Shetty's podcast host or interviewer)
And did it move fast? Did you. Were you. You know, was it. Was it just instantly, you both know, knew that there was something there at the time. Time.
- [50:44]
Hayden Panettiere
He was not my type at first. I mean, he was like, looking at a Greek statue. Like, that's what it was like being in his presence. Like, I just studied his. His face. He looked chiseled out of. Out of, you know, stone, out of Marvel. You're like.
- [51:07]
Jay Shetty
And he was the best description.
- [51:08]
Hayden Panettiere
He's so big. Yeah. I mean, his features just like everything about him was so, so fierce and I was so small. But the personality that came out of him was surprisingly gentle and kind and made me very curious. But I had just gone through a breakup with a co star that I was still working with, so I wasn't really in the headspace of fully moving past that breakup yet. So it took. It was another year. It was when I was 20 years old that Vlad and I actually connected and started dating. I think we were supposed to meet up. I was at the Super Bowl. We were supposed to meet up once when I was still 19. And I guess I was supposed to call him and I never did. And there he was, the heavyweight champion of the world and going. Apparently he was very pissed off that he was way you around for my phone call. He was like, who does this girl think she is? Does she know who I am? Yeah, he's not. He's. He's not a cocky person, but I remember his reaction to that being very, very funny. That's fair.
- [52:34]
Host (likely Jay Shetty's podcast host or interviewer)
That's fair. That's fair.
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Hayden Panettiere
Yeah.
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Host (likely Jay Shetty's podcast host or interviewer)
As the heavyweight champion.
- [52:37]
Hayden Panettiere
So it took a year. I met him, we kept in touch. And then actually my first fight was for my. I brought my little brother to his brother's fight for. For. For my little brother's birthday. So it was a very special time. And then Vlad and I stayed in touch and. And then started a relationship.
- [52:59]
Host (likely Jay Shetty's podcast host or interviewer)
Yeah. What in the part in your book that I. I found, like, something that I. I was totally unaware of. And I'm going to read from it here. You talk about. This is. So while you were on Nashville, you obviously become a mother. And it was this idea that Nashville was almost writing based on your life and writing around you. You talk about the storylines for your character, Juliet Barnes, and how on Nashville, they mirrored what you were going through in your personal life. And you write this specifically. I was suffering from debilitating anxiety and an addiction I couldn't shake. And I had to live through it twice. First at home as Hayden, and then in front of millions as Juliet.
- [53:42]
Hayden Panettiere
Yeah.
- [53:42]
Host (likely Jay Shetty's podcast host or interviewer)
And that really struck me because, you know, I think we all watch TV and film and everything. And we don't really, it's almost like we believe you are that character anyway.
- [53:53]
Hayden Panettiere
Absolutely.
- [53:54]
Host (likely Jay Shetty's podcast host or interviewer)
And you don't really ever know what the real character is until you.
- [53:58]
Jay Shetty
And you can in an interview.
- [54:01]
Host (likely Jay Shetty's podcast host or interviewer)
But if you don't see that, if
- [54:03]
Jay Shetty
you only see someone for three minutes
- [54:04]
Host (likely Jay Shetty's podcast host or interviewer)
on a late night show or a morning show or whatever, you have no,
- [54:07]
Jay Shetty
you have no real sense of who they are because beyond, oh well, Aiden and Julia, like that's who she is.
- [54:13]
Host (likely Jay Shetty's podcast host or interviewer)
Right.
- [54:13]
Hayden Panettiere
Like on tv, in what they see, you see in the news and, and what you look like, you see headlines
- [54:21]
Host (likely Jay Shetty's podcast host or interviewer)
and news, gossip and all that kind of stuff. You see the TV show and then you see pictures.
- [54:25]
Jay Shetty
You're absolutely right. And that's all you get.
- [54:28]
Host (likely Jay Shetty's podcast host or interviewer)
And this is why I really appreciate just how I just want to acknowledge and for anyone who's going to read this book, like you get to see
- [54:34]
Jay Shetty
someone who's I believe, lived through a lot of hardship but has this ability
- [54:38]
Host (likely Jay Shetty's podcast host or interviewer)
to reflect and, and introspect about what's happening.
- [54:43]
Jay Shetty
And when you, when you put it
- [54:44]
Host (likely Jay Shetty's podcast host or interviewer)
that way and you're like, oh, I didn't realize Hayden's going through this. She's living through the reality. And I want to talk to you about the anxiety that you're experiencing. And then at the same time you're
- [54:54]
Jay Shetty
living it twice because now you're having
- [54:55]
Host (likely Jay Shetty's podcast host or interviewer)
to act here and they're writing around you being pregnant to have the show continue and then after that as well. And so talk to me about where these debilitating anxiety was coming from and what it felt like to live it twice.
- [55:11]
Hayden Panettiere
It felt like it never ended. I didn't know where Juliet began and Hayden ended. In the beginning. When I first started doing Nashville, I thought, well, it's just a coincidence that our lives have so many similarities. It must be. And then as the years went on, the episodes went on and everything kept, started matching up from you know, the who Juliet Barnes was dating to, to being an alcoholic to postpartum depression, to losing her child, basically abandoning her child. Then it was like, okay, okay, this, you guys are just mirroring my life. And we would get the, the, we wouldn't get the episodes very far ahead of time. So to, to go to them and say, hey, you gotta change this. And that wasn't, wasn't anything I was used to doing. I was just used to, to doing my job and making it work. But it felt like the day never ended. And we would shoot 10 months out of the years, year end, 12, 20 hour days. And I never thought I was a Method actor. And I've worked with method actors who when they play a character role, they never jump in. They don't jump in and out of the character. They are the character for the entirety of the filming process. Shooting something for six years, 10 months out of the years, that's not really, that's not what you want to do. But it wasn't, was unavoidable because it was my, my life. I couldn't come up from. For air from it. There was no break from it. And here I was playing this very deeply emotional, dark character. We had so much alike, but we were different in who we were as people. But especially when I was on set, even during breaks, I didn't even realize that I was taking, I was becoming her constantly. And I wasn't therefore taking care of myself, able to take care of myself mentally and decompress and process what's going on in my life. Nor did I want to talk about it because I had just, I spent all day acting it out and crying. I just felt like I was constantly, I was holding my breath all the time and I couldn't get away from it. And you know, you're in a contract. And I was, I became desperate and I was doing every. That's why I turned to substances because the anxiety that I started happening, having the panic attacks that I started having. I used to have nerves a lot and I had stage fright. I've had stage fright since I was a kid. But those good nerves that keep you on your toes at some point turned into genuine, like genuine anxiety that made me incapable of functioning properly or thinking clearly. Make me physically shake. So I was self medicating and looking for relief at the moment, bottom of a bottle. And it was the only thing that worked. But I needed to numb, I needed to self numb. I needed my brain to take a trip and needed to go on a vacation. I needed it to not think about all these ugly things for just a little while. And I didn't find myself able to do that without the help of, of a drink.
- [59:40]
Host (likely Jay Shetty's podcast host or interviewer)
Yeah. I mean, explain to me the, the complexity of. And I, and I asked this from the perspective of having so many friends who've gone through postpartum depression and it just not being talked about enough.
- [59:53]
Hayden Panettiere
Yeah.
- [59:54]
Host (likely Jay Shetty's podcast host or interviewer)
And whether it be even initially when it happened, I remember speaking to a lot of my male friends and them not understanding what their partner was going through. Only then to realize that we were just unaware of, you know, the amount of women that go through postpartum depression talk to me about the complexity of the emotion of having your baby girl and the emotions that come with that as being a mother, and then the postpartum depression that follows that.
- [60:20]
Hayden Panettiere
From a young age, I always dreamt of becoming a mom. Like, it was something that I always knew that I would be, always wanted to be. And I had all these ideas in my head of the kind of her mother that I was going to be. I was going to have cameras in every room, and I was going to capture this and that, and I was going to get them into all these different extracurricular activities and made sure that they spoke different languages. And, like, I had this beautiful plan in my head. And then I had my daughter, and I knew something was just terribly, terribly wrong. And now there's a lot of stigma around postpartum, and there's a lot of misunderstanding, and it's on a. There's. It's on a spectrum. It's on a scale. And unfortunately, I never felt any hostility or negativity towards. Towards my child, thankfully. But I wasn't connecting with her the way that I knew I should be and that I was full of stress and anxiety all the time. And what I was doing to suppress those emotions was not normal and it was not helpful. I was miserable. I was in tears all the time. You know, even though the alcohol helped, you know, my nervous system calm down, it is a depressant. So over time, it made things worse, not better. In a moment or two, it might feel. Give you the illusion that it's making things better, but ultimately it becomes backfires and it becomes a disaster. But Vlad was incredibly supportive, even though he had no idea what was going on, and I had no idea what was going on either, because I had never been around anybody who had ever experienced postpartum depression before. I had never heard it spoken about, you know, my. My mom, the females in my life. Nobody ever said anything about it. All of their stories were of. Of these beautiful positives, moments of joy and love. And I would say expectation leads to disappointment. But in this way, of course, I had expectations, and they were good and they were positive and they were going to be. Life was going to be great. And at about four months old, I finally went to Vlad and I said. I said, I need help. I can't live like this anymore. Something is terribly wrong. And he said, okay, let's get you some help. I went to a facility during the hiatus of the show, so I was kept private, but I was there for alcoholism. They were treating me for alcoholism, and nobody ever said anything about postpartum depression there. So I. I felt unfixable. I felt like there was no way the way out of it. And I was trying to process the idea that maybe I was going to be depressed like this for the rest of my life. And this was just the new normal. So that was terrifying. I had this gorgeous, sweet angel child, healthy. I was so lucky and blessed, and I was just a mess. I was just a mess. And there was nothing that I could. I could do to fix it properly. And there was. It felt like there was nobody around who understood because there was so much stigma around it and because it's so misunderstood. It took me probably about 10 months to really realize what it was. Was that was going on of me researching and figuring it out myself.
- [64:57]
Host (likely Jay Shetty's podcast host or interviewer)
Wow. You had to do it yourself because I know also you talk about how, like, when you finally did talk about it, you even lost an endorsement deal.
- [65:05]
Hayden Panettiere
Yep. Neutrogena I was with for 10 years, and I mean, they have morals clauses, which was a huge. Had a huge impact in my. My life because I was. I was a teenager and I had all the paparazzi around me catch all of these gory moments. Like every. Every moment, every cigarette that I. That I smoked or bad outfit or, oh, she's looking chunky in a bathing suit. Oh, she has a fat vagina. I mean, I went through. Through all of that. You know, they were there for. For everything. Neutrogena was a huge part of my. Of my life. I had the memorials clauses. They caught absolutely everything. And of all the things to. That they would fire me over, this was the last thing that I thought they would ever fire me over. And when I actually went out onto stage, it was live with Kelly and Michael. I had no intention of or plan to talk about postpartum depression. It just came up, and I was just being honest. And never for a second did I think. Think that anyone or cared that anyone would have a bad reaction to it. It was my truce. So when I got that call that Neutrogena wanted to fire me over that, and my representative at the time said, that's illegal. You can't do that. And even though she saved the day that year, I knew that that was going to be it, that there was going to be. I was not going to be invited back the next year. And I had worked with these people for 10 years, and I remember not hearing a word from anybody. Not a great working with you for 10 years. Not a nice.
- [67:09]
Host (likely Jay Shetty's podcast host or interviewer)
Hope you're okay.
- [67:10]
Hayden Panettiere
Yeah. Hope you're good. We wish you well. And I remember that really breaking my heart. My heart. I wouldn't change it for the world. I wouldn't take it back. But as I said, of all the things that I had been caught doing, that being the thing that was where they drew the line and it was immoral was shocking to me. And it made me realize and understand exactly what people thought of women who experience postpartum depression and how misunderstood it is, how much stigma there is around it and how, I mean, we're already in pain. We are already like the worst possible thing, one of the worst possible things in the world to happen to a woman has already happened. The last thing we need is, you know, the icing on the cake, you know, and feeling so judged and in such a negative way.
- [68:35]
Jay Shetty
When Rani and I started Joonie, our sparkling tea brand, I quickly realized that building starting a business isn't just about big ideas. It's about the little things that make people actually want to buy. Come back and trust what you do. For us, Shopify has been the foundation. It's where we built our storefront, where people experience the brand and where we've been able to grow while truly owning that relationship with our customers. And something I've come to really appreciate is shop pay. You've probably seen that purple button at checkout. It makes everything simple, one click fast, seamless. As a business owner, that means fewer abandoned carts. As a customer, it just feels easier. And that trust matters. As more people discover Joony, it's reassuring to know that the experience is smooth from start to finish. Because when the process feels effortless, people come back. If you've ever thought about starting a business, this is your sign. Get started@shopify.com Jay this message is brought to you by today's sponsor, Walden Uni University. Set a Course for Change Want to make a real change in your life, career and community? At Walden University, they give you the
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Host (likely Jay Shetty's podcast host or interviewer)
support and flexibility to win.
- [69:45]
Jay Shetty
With online programs designed for working professionals, you'll gain hands on skills to take on real world challenges and succeed. Your future is waiting and Walden is
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Host (likely Jay Shetty's podcast host or interviewer)
here to help you achieve it. When educators have been there and bring
- [69:59]
Jay Shetty
that experience into the classroom, it's a game.
- [70:01]
Host (likely Jay Shetty's podcast host or interviewer)
Game changer.
- [70:02]
Jay Shetty
That's what you get at Walden University. Faculty members who don't just teach. They share real world insights and practical
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Host (likely Jay Shetty's podcast host or interviewer)
skills that help you win.
- [70:11]
Jay Shetty
Take the first step. Visit waldenu. Edu Walden University Set A Course for Change Certified to Operate by Chev One thing I've been reflecting on lately is how even the Smallest choice. Choices can create a big impact over time. Whether it's choosing to spend a quiet night in to recharge, or making a decision that brings you closer to a long term goal, those moments of intention really matter. And when it comes to the choices we make with our money, that same mindset applies. I've learned that saving for the things that truly matter, like your first home or a reliable car, starts with small, thoughtful decisions.
- [70:53]
Host (likely Jay Shetty's podcast host or interviewer)
Decisions.
- [70:53]
Jay Shetty
That's why I appreciate what State Farm is doing with their personal price plan. It gives you the power to personalize your plan and create an affordable price that works for your life. You can bundle your home and auto insurance in a way that supports your journey and your goals. Talk to a State Farm agent today to learn how you can choose to bundle and save with the personal price plan. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. Prices are based on, based on rating plans that vary by state. Coverage options are selected by the customer. Availability, amount of discounts and savings and eligibility vary by state.
- [71:39]
Host (likely Jay Shetty's podcast host or interviewer)
What do you want people to know about postpartum depression that you think they miss?
- [71:45]
Hayden Panettiere
That it's real, that it's not something we make up, it's not something we want. It's not, you know, that we've, we've, we've lost our, our marbles and, and it's not something that we want to go through and, and we're not lying when we tell you something's wrong and, and we're, we're in tears for absolutely no reason. Like we don't have control over this. And this would be the last thing that we would ever want to experience or go through. What we want to be with our children, our child, our brand new child and have be filled with joy and feel like the luckiest person in the world and you know, capture every moment and for anyone to think otherwise is just misinformed. And yeah, I, I, I just, I think people need to know a lot more about it, need to understand.
- [72:57]
Host (likely Jay Shetty's podcast host or interviewer)
Did the facility you visited help you with the alcoholism or what? What finally actually helped with that?
- [73:02]
Hayden Panettiere
Oh, I struggled with that for, for years. It was an on and off battle for a really long time and getting out of was really difficult. And the fact that I didn't have the time to really spend on healing myself and fixing myself, figuring out how to navigate this and get back to my old self because I was on Nashville and we were shooting so much. I mean, at one point I did have to say to the show, I have to go get treatment. You're gonna have to Write me out of the script, which upset a lot of people and made me feel awful because I'd always prided myself in being a professional, but it was incredibly important for me to get my head screwed on straight or I was gonna, you know, I was just gonna. Going off the deep end. I felt myself sinking further and into this dark hole that I just could not climb out of.
- [74:14]
Host (likely Jay Shetty's podcast host or interviewer)
When I was reading the book, it just felt like the challenges just get tougher and tougher and tougher and tougher and tougher as you kind of, you know, go. Go through it with you. And they also seem kind of, again, just as your career in the beginning stages was almost not a choice, all of these things also feel that way where it's kind of like just happening to you and.
- [74:37]
Hayden Panettiere
Yeah.
- [74:37]
Host (likely Jay Shetty's podcast host or interviewer)
Because of, you know, just. There's. There's not a. It's not a choice to bring these things on.
- [74:41]
Hayden Panettiere
No, they're.
- [74:42]
Host (likely Jay Shetty's podcast host or interviewer)
They're coming off. You know, of course, postpartum depression and. And everything else that's happening through that and not. And also not having these conversations. Like today, you know, millions of people will listen to this conversation and be able to have a better understanding of what that means and what that looks like. And today the conversation around these things is growing. It's still not where it needs to be yet. And.
- [75:02]
Hayden Panettiere
Right.
- [75:03]
Host (likely Jay Shetty's podcast host or interviewer)
Sadly, there are still terrible headlines and terrible gossip and terrible stories made up about people and. But these conversations are beginning to happen. And you go, okay, well, hopefully the next person doesn't have to go through. Go through the fact of not knowing where to go for help or be seen as, I'll just get over it or move on or there's something wrong with you or whatever the ridiculous things we all hear are in those scenarios. I think it was around the same time that you talk about in the book where the custody of your daughter shifts. Shifts from, you know, over to Vlad and in. To Ukraine, I believe, as well. And I. I feel like that was especially talked about terribly, where there's so many speculations and so many opinions and so many assumptions on why that's happening. Could you tell us what was really happening?
- [75:55]
Hayden Panettiere
I mean, the idea that anybody would think that I would just give away my child and be okay with it is heartbreaking. Couldn't be further from the truth. You know, as you said, I was. I was struggling with mental health and anxiety and the postpartum and having to act my way through it and just feeling like I completely lost myself and. And I think a misconception is that I have been in the past forced into treatment, when in fact, I have been the one who sought it out, who was saying, I desperately need help. I don't. You know, I know this is gonna look terrible, but I cannot live like this anymore. And even though Vlad didn't understand, the people around me didn't know what was going on. I didn't know what was going on. They were supportive. I went to go get help. They didn't know what was going on. And so it became this horrible cycle for years of battling depression and anxiety and alcoholism and substance abuse, and me just trying to find my way, way back, my way out of this darkness. In any. I would have done anything and tried anything. But it wasn't until Vladil Kaya was two years old, about two, two and a half years old, that Vlad decided that he thought it would be best for her to live in Europe. And when that first happened, I did not have a good reaction to it. I went like mother lion. I would have burnt the world down for my child. So that was incredibly difficult. The fact that my child wasn't going to be with me all day, every day was. I mean, you can't put words to it. It's just a really intense feeling that multiple feelings really layered together. But I realized that she had been traveling back and forth for so many years. And because I was working on the show and because Vlad had to prepare for her and as a businessman in his own right, she had to go back and forth between the US And Europe. And sometimes we would go together, and sometimes she would go with the nanny. So she had spent a lot of time over there. She had family, she had friends, she had extracurricular activities. She had a really. She already had a beautiful life, and she understood the languages and was starting to speak them. So by the time I finally got healthy, I felt like it would have been unfair of me to. And selfish of me to try to pull her out, away from this life that she had been created, that she was living an incredible life. She's an incredible little girl. So happy and. And speaks five languages and rides horses and knows that she's got two parents that love her. And I know in my heart that she feels supported. I have an incredible relationship with her. I travel as much as I can. I see her. I do spend a lot of time on FaceTime with her. But we talk about really deep things, a really intense, incredible bond. And I'm very grateful for that. And I know that she knows that she has two parents who would do anything in the world to make sure that she is happy and healthy, mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually. And she in no way feels abandoned. And that's something that I've made sure to stay on top of, be very aware of. And I think it's also good to lead by example as, as a parent, she gets so watched. She didn't just get born with one parent in the, in the limelight with who is famous and powerful. You know, she was born with two and two completely separate continents and in their own ways, but she's very proud of watching her mom and dad kick butt and do what they do. She, she, she's our biggest fan. I think it makes her feel like she can accomplish anything. You can just see that she is good and she is solid and she, she, she feels loved because of the way that she's able to love herself and self. Watch as a, as a parent, your 11 year old already have this beautiful ability to love other people and love themselves is. You just can't ask for more than that. So I think there's been a common and you know, a very common misconception that I just gave up my, my child when there is like that could not be farther from, from truth. So I hope people that are watching this, I hope it's a little clearer and I hope becomes clear in the book.
- [82:37]
Host (likely Jay Shetty's podcast host or interviewer)
Yeah, I think when they read the book as well, there's you, you see so much of the context that I think we miss in, in everything else. And there's this really powerful line in the book that you share where you say you grieve not being. This was at that time, you grieve not being the mother you thought you to be. And I wanted to ask you how do you hold that grief without letting it define the mother you are today?
- [83:03]
Hayden Panettiere
The grief has definitely gotten the best of me many times. Many, many, many times. But it's transformed from grief. It was grief in the beginning, but because of the relationship that I do have with her and, and how things ultimately played out, I'm incredibly grateful to her. She is an incredible father, an incredible family. And I no long, I don't feel even though it's not what I wanted to happen and it's not what I hoped motherhood was gonna be or what it would look like. Like I'm so lucky that it turned out the way it did and that she is safe and a wonderful, well rounded person that I, that we have the bond that we have, which is something that I, you know, was terrified wasn't going to happen when she was taken away, that I was going to have to fight really hard to have any sort of relationship with her, her. And it ended up in a lot of ways being a blessing. I always want her here. You know, I always miss her. I always want her to, you know, be. To have my arms wrapped around her. But that's just not the way life is right at this moment. But I do believe that, you know, there, there will be a day where she is an adult and she's able to make her own decisions and go wherever she wants. And I have faith that she is going to come to me and that we're going to have an incredible relationship and bond and friendship that a lot of parents don't get to have with their kids.
- [85:03]
Host (likely Jay Shetty's podcast host or interviewer)
Thank you for sharing that. It's always incredible how, like, things don't turn out the way we expect them to. And yeah, it seems like you found a way, way to work at it and work on yourself and try to make the shifts and changes you need to. Whether it was, you know, with the alcoholism, whether it was getting yourself up out of spaces that you didn't want to be in, to try and be the person that you're.
- [85:28]
Hayden Panettiere
That's the only option to, to me, that's the is. Is you keep getting. No matter how many times you fall, you, you keep getting up and dust yourself off. It's, it's, it's. And you keep going. It's how you, what you do with these failures are falling, falling on your face. It's what you do after that really counts. It's how you handle that that really counts and matters. And I'll never stop fighting to be good.
- [85:59]
Host (likely Jay Shetty's podcast host or interviewer)
Yeah. I mean, you were mentioning to me that also you have a strong relationship with Vladimir, which helps this situation.
- [86:07]
Hayden Panettiere
Yeah, yeah. Vlad and I are very close. All three of us talk all the time. He travels a lot when he's in Europe too. So sometimes we have a three way FaceTime going on and sometimes it's the two of them and me. But yeah, he's been incredibly supportive. I mean, she's, he's brought her over here. She's known her great grandparents. They've been a part of her life. I've lost my grandpa and my papa, but they were able to know her, which was really important to me. And she still has my nana, my grandma, she calls Nana Super Nana. Super Nana and she is super Nana. Um, yeah, we have, we have a, we have a great, great relationship and Vlad and I are still best friends. There's not, not many people who know me on the. On this. In this world as well as. As he does. And I know that we still have an incredible amount of love for each other, and most importantly, we have an incredible amount of respect for each other. We made promises that. Something that I unfortunately grew up with was hearing a lot of negative talk from my mother about my. My father. And that had a really negative impact on me. It hurt to constantly, you know, hear the person that you love be put down. So we made a promise to each other that we would never say anything negative about one another to. To our daughter and that both of us have stuck to that promise. And we talk each other up to our daughter and talk positively about each other. And I check in with her and make sure she. Being respectful and that she loves her dad and that she knows he's a hero and one of the bravest people I know. And. And she loves both of us to. To death. So.
- [88:31]
Host (likely Jay Shetty's podcast host or interviewer)
Yeah, I mean, it's. I feel like it's an intention. We all have to kind of repeat the good things our parents did well and try to not repeat the things that maybe they didn't do so well. And it's like we're always trying to be. I think those of us who are trying to be on the path of awareness. Yeah, yeah. Evolve and just say, hey, I'm going to make other mistakes. We all are because we're human beings. But gonna try and do my best in this capacity. I feel like.
- [88:58]
Hayden Panettiere
Absolutely.
- [88:58]
Host (likely Jay Shetty's podcast host or interviewer)
Something we were talking about earlier about repeating patterns and people that we attract into our life, and you talked about this and you were mentioning it to me earlier. You talked about, you know, surviving your abusive relationship with your ex.
- [89:12]
Hayden Panettiere
Yes.
- [89:13]
Host (likely Jay Shetty's podcast host or interviewer)
And I just. I wanted to ask you about. Because like I said before, it's like every time you go further in the book and deep, deeper in the book, I can tell that you. You know your truth and you know who you are. And as you said earlier in our conversation today, you were like, but I don't know if I'm always good at knowing or trusting my gut or following through on it.
- [89:35]
Hayden Panettiere
Yeah.
- [89:35]
Host (likely Jay Shetty's podcast host or interviewer)
Why do you think that is?
- [89:37]
Hayden Panettiere
I feel like I've let myself down so many times and let other people down so many times, and I've. I've just. I mean, I worked so hard to create this incredible life and career, and I basically burnt it all to the. To the ground, essentially, and had to, you know, start climbing up that mountain. And it happened, you know, more than once and having to try to get out of my own way was the most difficult part of it. It was almost like I would self implode and destroy something good that I had going on before anybody else got a chance to. It was like instead of setting myself up for failure, I knew I was going to fail, so I was going to just. It might as well happen sooner rather than later. And it made me stop trusting myself. I mean, I wasn't even raised to trust myself. As I said before, like my instincts, aside from my instincts as an actor, as a human being. I was not, like, I was not taught to really trust myself. I was taught to trust these people around me. It's been a really long road and a really hard road and a really stressful road trying to get back to that trust I had at one point when I was. When I was younger in myself and how, you know, knowing how important it is that you listen to yourself, that you listen to your gut. Every time that I have not listened to my gut, I have. I have always regretted it. I found myself in a terrible position. The abuse, the fact that I allowed this person not only into my life, but for how long I put up with it. And this is something. This is a topic that is. I've been journaling a lot about it, trying to organize my thoughts and my feelings. And I did journal last night. And for the first time I really feel like I was able to put into words what has been going on for the past decade of my life in regards to the abuse. And I was actually going to ask if I could read it because I think it's really important. This topic is really important for me to word properly word well so the people listening really understand what I'm saying.
- [92:42]
Host (likely Jay Shetty's podcast host or interviewer)
Please. Yeah.
- [92:45]
Hayden Panettiere
It took me a long time to finally see the situation clearly. I've had to do a lot of soul searching and therapy around this topic because allowing somebody to get away with harming me was so unlike me. The more I thought about it and analyzed it, the more connections I made between the abuse I was allowing to transpire and the abuse I've gone through in my past. They say that you end up marrying one of your parents and no, I'm not married. But I found a. A very interesting connection between this abusive behavior and my mother's abusive behavior. Even though they would both shake their heads and say I was crazy to think there was anything similar about the two of them, There definitely was. I realized that I was more afraid of being alone than being abused. And in order to be around that kind of behavior, it took me dulling my senses and numbing myself with substances in order to silence that rational voice in my head that was telling me exactly what was going on and the many reasons why I needed to get myself out of this toxic relationship and as far away from this person as possible. Somehow, every time I found the strength to get away from my abusers, they would always find their way back into my life one way or another. It was like being on a hamster wheel in this endless, dizzying cycle. And the craziest part, and the hardest part was to understand understand was that the physical abuse would come out of left field. But it was always when he was drinking, same as my mom. We could be dancing and joking. Then a switch would flip and suddenly it was on. Something would snap, and it was like watching a predator suddenly smell blood. I was dealing with this Dr. Jekyll, Mr. Hyde situation. I tried to fight back in every way that I could think of. I took standing my ground to attempting to calm the situation, to running and hiding from it until he sobered up. Then once he was sober, that good part of him would be back and he would see the damage he had done. And he was devastated and apologetic, and it seemed so honest and genuine that I was torn. I thought back to everything I've done wrong in the past and the forgiveness I was shown. So I think a part of me felt an obligation to be just as forgiving. I desperately wanted to make him a better person. I wanted to fix him. I'm a really strong person at my core, and anyone who knows me was shocked that I would ever allow anything like this to happen. I have this bright, powerful light in me that comes on, but then it would dim around that kind of intense conflict. I found myself trying to be smaller and weaker just to avoid a battle, because there's no reasoning with the unreasonable. And as strong as I am, I couldn't physically stand up to a grown man. I know I have a big heart, and I always try to see the good in people. So much so that it's been to my detriment at times. The worst part was that by allowing the cycle to continue, it hurt the people I love who came to my rescue. And I cannot allow that to continue to happen in order to finally get off the hamster wheel and put an end to the cycle of abuse. With him and with other toxic people in my life, I had to remind myself how strong I am. I had to envision the life I want for myself. And most importantly, I had to take accountability for enabling unforgivable behavior.
- [96:36]
Host (likely Jay Shetty's podcast host or interviewer)
Thank you for.
- [96:37]
Hayden Panettiere
Yeah.
- [96:38]
Host (likely Jay Shetty's podcast host or interviewer)
Sharing that from your journal. Very, very personal and appreciate you, you know, letting us in that deeply as you do in the book and in what happened in the last couple of nights, I believe.
- [96:50]
Hayden Panettiere
Thank you for letting me share. I. I feel like, I mean, that's the first time I've shared that. So I'm, I'm feeling the weight, this, this weight come off my shoulders at this moment.
- [97:10]
Host (likely Jay Shetty's podcast host or interviewer)
How does it feel to say it
- [97:11]
Hayden Panettiere
out loud, you know when you feel so much pressure on your chest and that anxiety and nerves and then you're relieved by something like that? It feels like an elephant stepped off my chest. I feel overwhelmed in a positive way. I feel like I finally did it and I got to do it in my own words. In this moment. I feel more trust in myself than I have in years. So I got a little bit of me back just now.
- [97:56]
Host (likely Jay Shetty's podcast host or interviewer)
That's so beautiful to hear. I mean, it's. You just said now that in your own words and I feel that. I feel like this entire book is a reclaiming of who you are and.
- [98:09]
Hayden Panettiere
Yeah, yeah, one step at a time, one step at a time. But that it's been a ten year dilemma and trauma after trauma and just to be able to explain it at all. I never thought that I would be able to put it into words.
- [98:29]
Host (likely Jay Shetty's podcast host or interviewer)
You said in there that you and I think a lot of us, we tolerate abuse because we'd rather do that than be alone. And I think when you look back on that, you can beat yourself up to say, why didn't I leave earlier? And as you were saying, like, I'm stronger than that, like, why wouldn't I stand up for myself? And at the same time, there has to be a sense of compassion for oneself to, to say, you, you're just doing the best you could in that
- [98:53]
Hayden Panettiere
moment, coming from a good place.
- [98:56]
Host (likely Jay Shetty's podcast host or interviewer)
Talk to me about that.
- [98:58]
Hayden Panettiere
That was one thing that was, that made it all the more confusing to me is because I knew throughout, I've known throughout the whole thing that I didn't, I wasn't doing anything to deserve it. And that's why I say in that, in that part, like, talk about how it would come out of left field. It didn't take me saying anything wrong. It didn't take me doing anything wrong. It didn't take mistakes or jealousy or like there was no catalyst and suddenly it would be. I would be being dragged by the hair and it was like, what just happened? What did I do? What? And what can I do to make it go back to to, you know, two seconds ago, like, what's going on? And as I say, you can't reason with the unreasonable. And it was like the person that you love just was. Disappeared. I would look in his eyes and they'd be vacant and like. And it was terrifying. Terrifying. And I've always been. Been interested in psychology and so trying to understand what was going on. I mean, I was like going through the dsm, like, am I in my head and trying to, you know, trying to figure out, you know, is it schizophrenia? Is it is. And it's like, what in the heck is going. Is going on? Because it was, it was only when, when alcohol was involved. But no amount of alcohol could ever make me capable of doing something like that. Especially over and over and over and over and over and over again.
- [101:08]
Host (likely Jay Shetty's podcast host or interviewer)
I'm so sorry you had to go through that.
- [101:11]
Hayden Panettiere
It was like, I don't know, maybe it was my, my ego. Like he was in my, in my ring and I, I felt like I was not going to let him, you know, win, win the battle. And by, by me, not the idea. What would be winning to me would be fixing him, being able to fix him and make him better because I saw some good in there and wanted to bring that to the surface, but I had no control over that. And some people don't want to change and you just have to accept that as disappointing as it is.
- [102:04]
Host (likely Jay Shetty's podcast host or interviewer)
Again, I think you're being hard on yourself. You know, there's a, there's a. Sure, there's, you know, all of. And, and by the way, we. We're all people pleasers. We're all control freaks. We all have all of that in us because of how we're. We've all been raised and there's a sense that we all want to fix people and make people better. And of course we're working on these things, but we all share this and it's. But it should never lead to that.
- [102:29]
Hayden Panettiere
No.
- [102:30]
Host (likely Jay Shetty's podcast host or interviewer)
You know.
- [102:31]
Hayden Panettiere
Yeah, I, I know. The, and the fact it still baffles that it ever went there, that I ever allowed it to, that I ever stuck around for it. I mean, it's just so unlike me. But I think that a huge part of it is that being alone piece I had just finished when I met him. I just finished Nashville and just moved back to la and I was lonely and nobody was present in the beginning. It was. The person that I fell in love with was great. So the. Mr. I did not show up until I was already in love with the Dr. Jekyll.
- [103:24]
Host (likely Jay Shetty's podcast host or interviewer)
Were you able to talk to anyone? Did you feel you could reach out to anyone? Or did it just feel so, so unsafe?
- [103:29]
Hayden Panettiere
I felt embarrassed, humiliated. I felt ashamed. I wanted to keep my friends and the people that I loved as far away from the situation as humanly possible. Because there was no understanding, wasn't rational, it didn't make sense. And I wanted to protect them from feeling the need to protect me. I just knew there was no explaining it without getting the reaction of what are you doing? What are you thinking? And I would go, I genuinely don't know. I don't know what in me is putting up with this, is allowing this to happen. I really don't. And as I said before, there's never for a moment did I think that I deserved it or that it was okay at all. That was, that was, that was never, never a thing. I mean, I use the term forgiveness very lightly because as hard as I tried to forgive, I'm not unable to to do that. You don't forgive and forget those kinds of, those kinds of things. And that's not just the physical abuse, but it's also the emotional abus leaves the deepest scars. The bruises might fade, but you're left with these incredibly deep emotional scars from gaslighting and being made to feel like it was it's your fault. And I think I was caught at that very, that perfect time where I was incredibly vulnerable and incredibly weak. He preyed on, on that, on my vulnerability.
- [105:43]
Jay Shetty
One thing I've been reflecting on lately is how even the smallest choices can create a big impact over time. Whether it's choosing to spend a quiet night in to recharge, or making a decision that brings you closer to a long term goal, those moments of intention really matter. And when it comes to the choices we make with our money, that same mindset applies. I've learned that saving for the things that truly matter, like your first home or a reliable car, starts with small, thoughtful decisions. That's why I appreciate what State Farm is doing with their personal price plan. It gives you the power to personalize, personalize your plan and create an affordable price that works for your life. You can bundle your home and auto insurance in a way that supports your journey and your goals. Talk to a State Farm agent today to learn how you can choose to bundle and save with the personal price plan. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. Prices are based on rating plans that vary by state. Coverage options are selected by the customer. Availability and amount of discounts and savings and eligibility vary by state. The future won't wait. And neither should you. That's why American Public University offers Master's programs designed for momentum, affordable, high quality and flexible. So you keep moving forward with career relevant programs in business, healthcare, education, it and more. You can gain skills you can use right away and the confidence to pass power your next move. American Public University made for what's next. Learn more at apu. Apus Edu I've been seeing a lot more EVs lately. Parked in driveways, passing on the road, friends making the switch. And they all say the same thing. These cars are simpler. Fewer parts, fewer repairs, fewer headaches. That's what makes EVs worth considering. Less to break, less to fix. Even if you haven't made the move yet, it's hard to ignore the shift. They're more affordable, more available and honestly just make sense for everyday life. The way forward is electric. Learn more@electricforall.org.
- [108:06]
Host (likely Jay Shetty's podcast host or interviewer)
What did it take to finally get out? Like what, what does that take? Because I feel so many people stay there. How long were you tolerating this for?
- [108:15]
Hayden Panettiere
Well, I thought I. At one point I thought I had gotten out of it and gotten away from it, but I, I'm. It's like, it's like we, we talked about before. It's like this. Like abusers, they weave themselves, they GR weeds in. Into your life and there's always something that they left behind. There's also always something that they have to come back for. There was. There's always something that they find to keep that connection, keep you on the hook, keep that connection with you no matter where you. You go, that they will always find you and find an in, find a way to slither back into your life. So I, I went from, you know, really wanting to keep my, the people, my loved ones away from it to, to. That's it. I've snapped. You don't pull out a gun and wave it around. You only pull it out. This is, this is it. But you don't raise, wave it around. You only pull it out. If you're going to pull, pull that trigger. And I finally decided that I needed to pull the trigger and I called in the heavy hitters and the people that were gonna protect me and make sure that he had no way back in that this was gonna be a done deal finally. I always hoped that this was gonna happen one day. And as I said, I thought that had done it and I was capable of doing it by myself. But I needed an incredible amount of support and backup in order to make sure that there was no way for him to find his way back in.
- [110:19]
Host (likely Jay Shetty's podcast host or interviewer)
What did it take for you to take that step? Like what. What had to happen for you to say enough is enough?
- [110:25]
Hayden Panettiere
And finding out that the good that I was holding on to, that I thought I saw in him was not real, that it was realizing all of the lies. I mean, you gotta be really good to pull the wool over my eyes. And that he was. But once I knew that that good was not real, that good that that good side of him, the big heart that I saw was just made up and was just acting, just really good acting, then I had the ability to let go and let myself off the hook. That I didn't have to care anymore and that I didn't have to feel guilty anymore about. About parting from him. Whatever struggles he. He goes through are his and they're. They're no longer mine to clean up. And I don't have to worry about it anymore. I've released myself.
- [111:40]
Host (likely Jay Shetty's podcast host or interviewer)
What you just said there is so real and so true. And I honestly honor your vulnerability and clarity because it's what you just said. This idea of accepting that that person's good is. Isn't real because that's the thing that keeps finding their way back and keeps appealing to someone who wants to help and solve and fix. And it's just believing, oh, no, but there is. There's that. There is that. And you. You keep thinking it's real, even if it's small and you don't see that often. But then when you finally accept, oh, no, it's not real. It's. It's actually the reason that they keep getting away with this behavior.
- [112:17]
Hayden Panettiere
And it's heartbreaking to find out that it's. That it wasn't real. I mean, I remember finding texts and having relationships and this and that. And one of the things that I thought was great about him is how loyal of a person he was. And when I realized how long that had been a farce, like I was. I was like, I have somebody ripped off the rose colored glasses. And I see clearly now. I see clearly now. And there is nothing left to, as you said, hang on to. There's nothing to keep me there or invested or forgiving in any way.
- [113:09]
Host (likely Jay Shetty's podcast host or interviewer)
Yeah. Yeah. When you say heavy hitters, you mean the FBI had to get involved, right? Like, to get to that level or. Not really.
- [113:17]
Hayden Panettiere
Oh, I mean, they. No, he went to jail.
- [113:22]
Host (likely Jay Shetty's podcast host or interviewer)
Yeah.
- [113:22]
Hayden Panettiere
Yeah, he went to jail. And they. They did have to. Yeah, get involved. But he. He managed to weasel his way back in even after that for a little bit. So I had to get him out again. It was like this period of time of back and forth battle. And I mean, as I said, I thought I had gotten away from him for this big period of time. And then for certain reasons, I won't go into the gory details of exactly what would happen, but don't believe just what you see in a picture. There's so much more going on. So much more going on. Truth is stranger than fiction. It truly, truly is. You can't write this stuff. You can't make this up.
- [114:32]
Host (likely Jay Shetty's podcast host or interviewer)
As I was reading the book and thinking about all the headlines that you've had to live through and the conversation and the gossip and everything that that comes with it. And then, you know, you did this people interview. I think it was like a year ago or something as well. And then again, the rumor mill begins about questioning your sobriety and how you're talking and everything. And then we learn actually it's because you're grieving and going through so much more behind the scenes. And I keep thinking, like, when will we finally stop, like, assuming, right, that we know what's going on in someone's life or we know exactly why they are the way they are or who they are, and when will we allow them the opportunity to tell us? Because it's a real human with a real brain, with a real mind, with real, well being with the real emotions and, and yes, no matter how successful someone is or whatever it may be, it's hearing things about you that are untrue, are just so, like, at the core, just unsettling for any of us. And we know what that feels like at school. We know what that feels like in a family.
- [115:37]
Hayden Panettiere
And when somebody says something, it's like, there's no changing people's minds. It doesn't matter really what you, what you say. You know, when I was younger, my, my father was accused of, of hitting my, my mother. And, and even though I knew the, the, the real story, when you say something like that about somebody, there's no, no convincing anybody that that's not the truth. And that didn't happen. There are just certain things that people go, eh, I'm not buying it. I saw, I saw it for my, for myself. When you're like, if you saw the big picture, you would, you, it would go. You go, aha. Oh, now it makes sense.
- [116:29]
Host (likely Jay Shetty's podcast host or interviewer)
It's like watching. Yeah, I feel like it's like watching a 30 seconds of a movie and deciding who the bad guy is and.
- [116:36]
Hayden Panettiere
Yeah.
- [116:36]
Host (likely Jay Shetty's podcast host or interviewer)
And why that scenario. And then you're like, all right, well, if you watch the whole movie or you walk in halfway into the theaters and.
- [116:43]
Hayden Panettiere
Right.
- [116:43]
Host (likely Jay Shetty's podcast host or interviewer)
It doesn't make any sense. And. Yeah, I just. I. You know, I. I really feel like this is me. This book does that for people who want to understand, you know, what. What the picture really looks like. And you sadly. I mean, you've talked about him throughout. You know, you sadly lost your brother three years ago, and you describe him in the book as. The heartbreak of. Of my life, always right there in the center of who I am. I wanted to ask you, like, how did losing him change the way you see all of this? Because it feels like the hardest one. Even though everything we've talked about is extremely heavy and hard.
- [117:22]
Hayden Panettiere
Oh, yeah. There's. There was nothing in my life that feels like losing my other half. Like, the other half that I was. That was born to be my. The yin to my yang. And we were so close. And especially being the older sibling who. It's your job to protect them and keep them safe, and not being able to is. I mean, heartbreaking doesn't. Doesn't even begin to cover it. I would need a dictionary to go through all the words for all the feelings that, you know that go through your. Your mind. But I. I've got. I mean, I collapsed and it stayed with me. I know time is, like, the best. Is the best healer generally, but it's been three years, and every year it's gotten. It's. It's changed. The heartbreak has. Has changed. But losing him and realizing how much of life I was going to have to go. Go through alone and without him, where I. When I always saw him as being there, you know, the day that my parents are not here anymore, I'm gonna have to do alone. And the fact that he's. He's not here to be a part of my daughter's life, and the fact that he's. I mean, there's so many times I want to call him all the time, and he was my best friend. And when he first died, I just remember screaming, I don't want to live in a world where he doesn't exist. So I unfortunately had to. But he seemed so alive in my head still. He was such a big, big personality. He just like. No matter how, no matter what, like, he was just one of those people. I never thought anything could take him down or take him away. He was so good, too. And it makes you so angry to see some. That there are bad people thriving in this world. And then one so good that's just taken from, from you. Why? It's not fair. It doesn't make sense. So that's something I, I just, I don't think I'll ever. I'll never get over. It'll just evolve. Luckily he was an amazing artist and I have his paint, some of his paintings and that keeps part of him alive for me. He left that behind, beautiful things behind. And I feel him with me. I know that he's, he's protecting me. From what. Where he is and was needed elsewhere. But I wish they would send him back to me.
- [120:53]
Host (likely Jay Shetty's podcast host or interviewer)
I'm so sorry for your loss and hearing about him from you and reading more in the book. It's about your relationship. It's so special to have an amazing sibling relationship even when you grew up in a home where things are maybe a bit more complex.
- [121:10]
Hayden Panettiere
Yeah.
- [121:10]
Host (likely Jay Shetty's podcast host or interviewer)
That becomes kind of, kind of like your.
- [121:12]
Hayden Panettiere
Yeah. He was my. More of my rock. My. We're the only two. He was the only other person who fully understood everything about me. I mean we grew up in the same position seeing the same things we, we joked about the same things we laughed about the same things we cried about the same things we were. If we weren't five years apart, you would think we were personality wise twin, you know, twins. So you know, to lose somebody who understands you on that level. Yeah. And feeling like I, I failed to keep him safe was really hard. And of all the people that, that should have understood him and, and been there and been able to protect him, it should, should have been me. And I did try and I was shaking the people around me going wake up to what's going on. This is serious. You know his, his struggle with addiction was serious. And I mean I remember before he was 18 saying, begging my parents to send him to military school before he was capable of making decisions for himself that they, he needed to, they needed to do this for his, for his safety and he needed to, to be disciplined. And as much as I loved his free spirit. Spiritedness. Is that a word? Spiritedness? Yes. He was such a deep and emotional person. It was so beautiful. I mean you think about, I think about the way that I'm able to forgive like and, and, and how I'm a first person to see someone struggle and I will be the first person there like he was me times, times a hundred. It was just too much. I think. I think it was too much to be, to be him. It was over overwhelming this. The way he thought was overwhelming the way he felt was Overwhelming. So he had to numb too. So I get it. And I just wish I could have done something differently.
- [123:49]
Host (likely Jay Shetty's podcast host or interviewer)
Yeah, it's hard when you love people and see them do that and you have a deeper understanding of it because you've been there as well yourself and know what that can look like and feel like and. But again, it's. It's too much pressure for you too. It's like, you know, you have a big heart and you care a lot, but be kinder to yourself because you can't, you know, solve and say and fix everything and everyone. It's.
- [124:20]
Hayden Panettiere
I feel like that's something that they need to teach in school to children, like how to be kind to yourself. Teach them about negative self talk. Because that's something that we're all guilty of. And it's horrible what it does to us. What we've found out scientifically that it does to us in our energy and the way we think. Just the physical, emotional, mental effects it has on us. I feel it's really important for people to understand that even though it might be something small in their minds, that it's a big deal to talk to yourself like that. When people ask, would you. Would you talk to a friend the way you talk to yourself? And most of the time people say no. Right?
- [125:25]
Host (likely Jay Shetty's podcast host or interviewer)
Yeah. And the pressure we put on ourselves to solve everything and fix everything and be there for everyone all the time. It's a wonderful intention and a desire, but it's impossible to live up to for anyone.
- [125:38]
Hayden Panettiere
Oh, yeah, absolutely agreed.
- [125:41]
Host (likely Jay Shetty's podcast host or interviewer)
No matter how much you care and love someone, it's impossible. But I'm so sorry for your loss. And yeah, it's. It's one of those things that never goes away. But, you know, you. You get to, like you said beautifully, that he's still living with you and you still feel him and still feel him protecting you from wherever you know he is. That, that's. That's a really beautiful approach to, to grief. I can't imagine how much it took to write this book. And we, we're only talking about specific events that we're diving into. And there's so much more inside when people. Or read it and learn so much more about everything we're talking about, but I can't imagine just how much excavating it took. And then to add to it all you write about in the book how you had a stalker and through the isolation, through the, you know, and I'm
- [126:31]
Hayden Panettiere
just like, it just keeps getting better.
- [126:36]
Host (likely Jay Shetty's podcast host or interviewer)
How does that feel to be going through grief, to be Isolated and then be dealing with that. On top of everything that you've gone through that you shed today.
- [126:45]
Hayden Panettiere
They have that saying, when it rains, it pours. I feel that all the time we go through periods of times where things are great and then everything will go wrong all at once. And I don't know if it's mercury in retrograde or something in the air like what is going on to make all of these happen. Things happen all at once. But the experience with him is the man who stalked me was terrifying. And this man was not just a stalker who was a big fan. Like he was genuinely mentally unwell and leaving message after message about how he was going to bring his katana sword and decapitate. And I had to actually cancel speaking engagements that I had because he was flying and he was waiting for me there. Now I've had stalkers before in the past who are all talk, right, and no action. And you go after a while you go, okay, they're not really going to do this is somebody who's just, just has the time to sit here and do this. But then there are those that you realize are incredibly dangerous. They mean what they say. And the FBI and Secret Service had to get involved. And I mean I thank them both, all of them from the bottom of my heart for getting him and for putting him away. He did just recently get out. So I've.
- [128:52]
Host (likely Jay Shetty's podcast host or interviewer)
That's terrible.
- [128:53]
Hayden Panettiere
You know, it's. I'm. I'm feeling, you know, all these different emotion. Emotions going on and having, I like the way you say it, excavated my life and written this book and put it all out there. Very important emotional topics than to deal with something like this on top of it and knowing that he just got out to of jail recently is scary. The whole experience was just to deal with somebody that's. That unhinged is terrifying because it goes back to that you can't reason with the unreasonable and you have no idea what they're capable of when you don't know what somebody is capable of. I mean, we've all seen people too in things that we could. We would never imagine them. People being capable of, of doing and, and to, to feel like you're sitting in limbo and just. And you have no idea if they're going to show the stories that we've heard in the, in the past of people showing up and just, boom, you're done. You're, you're. You're gone. You. To deal with somebody like, like that. That is, that. That is one of the most Terrifying
- [130:28]
Host (likely Jay Shetty's podcast host or interviewer)
feelings in the world can't even begin to imagine. I'm happy that you're.
- [130:32]
Hayden Panettiere
It was the icing. The icing on the cake. It was very, very thick.
- [130:37]
Host (likely Jay Shetty's podcast host or interviewer)
I'm happy that you're protected and that you're taking the right precautions and measures because you're absolutely right and just glad that you have the right people around you to see you through this. I've been, you know, I wanted to. There's only one last thing I wanted to say to you and, and, and ask you is just, you know, when you came in here, and I want to point this out because we've had a. We've. You've had to revisit for this conversation to talk about the book. We've revisited so many hard and dark moments in your life. But when you came in today, you had this big smile on your face. You greeted me with a really warm embrace. You were so kind. When we walked over here, we were having wonderful conversations and you were telling me just about this next chapter of your life and how excited you are to attract goodness into your life and attract love into your life. And just. And, And I could see in your eyes and, and you know, you are this light, as you said, as yourself in your journal. And I want people to know that, that I felt that and saw that when you came in because, you know, we. We've revisited the past. Lost that that is. Is tough and is talked about in your book. This is me. But when you write a book like this, it almost feels like the end of a chapter and the beginning of a new one as well. You kind of put all of this together and you share it. And I wanted to ask you that. What would you. What would you want to call the chapter of this that you're entering into now that you walked in with today that. That I got to experience.
- [132:01]
Hayden Panettiere
I don't know yet. It was one of the hardest parts of this too, was it? And was figuring out what to call it. I felt like I couldn't come up with a name until I was already. Until I was done with the process of the book. Sometimes people do it in the middle of the experience. Sometimes people do it. They need a title before they start the process of writing. And I felt like I had to wait till the end. So, I mean, I would have to. I feel like, to come up with something good. I would have to see where the book went, see where my life is going to go, because I finally feel like I have shaken off all of this darkness and this negativity and that means I've closed one door and another door is opened. And I can feel it opened and I can feel all the possibility, all the possibilities, all the exciting possibilities. I feel like I have a lot more life to live.
- [133:20]
Host (likely Jay Shetty's podcast host or interviewer)
Absolutely. I think you're one of the toughest and most vulnerable and bravest people who sat in that chair. And I really notice and acknowledge just how much work you've had to do to even be sitting here right now to share your story with this much grace and courage. So thank you for trusting me. Thank you for being here. And I'm really looking forward for people to read this book and I hope it reaches the people who really need it right now. People who may be caught in cycles that you found yourself in can break out, that it can protect others who are in the early stages of career like yours.
- [133:55]
Hayden Panettiere
I pray. I just wanted to help people. I want what I have gone through to be for a reason, to have happened, everything to have happened for a reason. And for that reason to be to help people tell people go through whatever it is, whatever challenges they're facing and to know that it's possible. It can be done.
- [134:21]
Host (likely Jay Shetty's podcast host or interviewer)
Thank you, Hayden.
- [134:22]
Hayden Panettiere
Thank you.
- [134:23]
Host (likely Jay Shetty's podcast host or interviewer)
Can I give you a hug?
- [134:24]
Hayden Panettiere
Of course.
- [134:25]
Jay Shetty
If you love this episode, you'll really enjoy my episode with Selena Gomez on befriending your inner critic and how to speak to yourself with more compassion.
- [134:36]
Hayden Panettiere
There's blessing in the breaking and every moment that you encounter in your life, even if it's just road rage,
- [134:47]
Jay Shetty
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- [136:08]
Hayden Panettiere
This is an iHeart podcast. Guaranteed Human.