Podcast Summary: On Purpose with Jay Shetty

Episode: How to Fall in Love Without Losing Yourself This Year (5 Rules to Avoid Getting Stuck in the Wrong Relationship)

Release Date: January 23, 2026
Host: Jay Shetty

Episode Overview

In this insightful episode, Jay Shetty dives into how to fall in love—or deepen love—while staying true to yourself. He unpacks the common ways people lose their identity in relationships and offers five actionable rules for building partnerships that support growth, independence, and authenticity. The episode is aimed at anyone looking to enter a new relationship, strengthen their current one, or avoid the pain of getting “stuck” with the wrong partner.

Key Points & Insights

The Central Problem: Losing Yourself in Love

[00:58]

• Jay opens by acknowledging how easy it is, especially when excited or impatient, to make poor decisions in love.
• He highlights the phenomenon where people “dissolve into their relationships,” neglecting friendships, routines, and their sense of self.
• Quote: "Love was never meant to erase you. Love was meant to reveal you." — Jay Shetty (01:51)

Root Causes: Self-Expansion vs. Self-Erasure

[02:13]

• Jay explains “self-expansion theory”: falling in love to grow and expand identity is healthy, but allowing expansion to become erasure is not.
• Common mistakes explored:
  • Confusing being chosen with being safe
  • Mistaking intensity for intimacy
  • Mistaking butterflies for compatibility
  • Equating staying together with growing together
  • Seeing someone’s neediness as them valuing you

The Consequences of Losing Yourself

[03:24]

• Jay shares the story of a client who sacrificed her hobbies, friends, and goals to keep her partner, only to lose herself in the process.
• Research: Those who lose their identity in relationships face more anxiety, insecurity, and conflict.

Quote:
“When you collapse your identity into someone else, you no longer know what keeps you steady. When they pull away, you know it's time to leave. When dependency replaces partnership, when fear replaces love, when hope replaces habits…” — Jay Shetty (04:30)

The 5 Rules to Avoid Losing Yourself

1. Keep Your Life Big

[05:10]

• One of the strongest predictors of lasting relationships is having a rich, fulfilling life outside the romance.
• Maintaining friendships, hobbies, and personal goals leads to healthier relationships.
• Exercise: List five things you love doing alone, five people who love you outside the relationship, and five goals unrelated to love—these act as anchors during turbulent times.
• Quote:
  "Don't become less so someone else can feel like more. Don't become smaller just to fit inside a relationship that refuses to grow with you." — Jay Shetty (06:34)

2. Don’t Outsource Your Emotional Homework

[08:08]

• It's common to expect your partner to heal your personal wounds, but real growth is your own responsibility.
• Jay encourages open communication about emotions and self-awareness, rather than making your partner your emotional savior.
• Quote:
  "A partner can support your growth, but they can't do your growth. A partner can hold your hand while you heal, but they can't walk the path for you." — Jay Shetty (08:49)
• “You can’t expect someone to complete you when you haven’t met the version of yourself that’s ready for real love.” (09:25)

3. Don’t Ignore the Signals

[11:13]

• Warning signs of losing yourself in a relationship:

  • Apologizing for things not your fault
  • Partner’s needs always coming first
  • Personal goals shrinking in importance
  • Boundaries becoming blurry

• Memorable Story:
  "I love him, but I don’t love who I become around him." (12:45)

• Jay urges listeners not to ignore red flags out of desperation or loneliness, emphasizing that healthy love encourages growth and self-expression.

4. The Three Love Lines You Must Never Cross

[14:00]
Jay outlines three essential boundaries for healthy relationships:

• Autonomy: Maintain your own thoughts, interests, and choices.
• Equity: Both partners give and receive, allowing flexibility over the years but ensuring mutual willingness.
• Emotional Honesty: The freedom to express discomfort or needs without fear of judgment or retaliation.

Quote:
"If you're in a healthy relationship, you can express discomfort without fear... Couples who maintain these boundaries report stronger long-term satisfaction and lower conflict." — Jay Shetty (15:19)

5. Fall in Love with Someone Who Loves Your Life, Not Just You

[16:13]

• Avoid partners who only accept the parts of you that benefit them.
• Genuine partners are inspired by your dreams and growth, not threatened by them.
• Jay shares personal moments, admitting his own need to learn how to join in the excitement of his partner’s ambitions.
• Powerful anecdote: An elderly couple, together for 40 years, claims their secret wasn’t a bond of “soulmates” but two whole lives learning to walk side by side.

Quote:
"They're two people walking side by side, staying connected… How can you have one life? There's two lives that matter and then the life of your relationship." — Jay Shetty (18:42)

Final Reflections

[20:00]

• Jay assures listeners: “You can fall in love this year without losing yourself. You can be committed and still be independent. You can love someone deeply and still honor the person you're becoming.”
• The right relationship is partnership, not self-abandonment: “Choose a love that expands your world, not one that replaces it.”
• Many lose themselves by trying to be what a partner wants; ironically, this often leads to the end of the relationship.

Quote:
"We change who we are so that they'll stay. And then they leave because we changed… You always have yourself, so that you have the person you can rely on, so that you have the person who protects you." — Jay Shetty (21:15)

Notable Quotes & Moments

• "Love was never meant to erase you. Love was meant to reveal you." (01:51)
• "Don't become less so someone else can feel like more." (06:34)
• "A partner can support your healing, but they cannot be your healing." (08:32)
• "I love him, but I don't love who I become around him." (12:45)
• "Your person will want you to be the best version of you and try to become the best version of them. Because it's not a competition, it's connection." (18:03)
• "They're two people walking side by side, staying connected." (18:42)
• "Choose a love that helps you grow, not one you have to shrink for." (21:42)

Suggested Next Listen

Jay recommends his conversation with therapist Lori Gottlieb, focusing on the biggest questions people ask in therapy about love, relationships, heartbreak, and dating.

Takeaway

This episode encourages listeners to approach love as a partnership of growth, not a place for self-abandonment. Jay offers actionable guidelines to help you maintain your identity, honor your needs, and choose a relationship that elevates you—reminding us all: “Love is not meant to erase you. Love is meant to elevate you.”