← On Purpose with Jay Shetty
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
How to Manifest REAL Love: What Actually Works! (According to Science)
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This is a iHeart podcast. Guaranteed Human Sometimes you just need to go to your happy place. And there's no better happy place than celebrity cruises. They get you closer than close to the history, culture and flavors of Europe. And now they visit more of it than ever. Their elevated Caribbean escapes keep the island bliss going between islands. From quick three and four night getaways and to week long journeys and longer. There's nothing more restorative than the wild wonders of Alaska. And celebrity ships are designed to make the most of every view. Celebrity doesn't just build ships, they build the vacations you'll always remember in the places you'll never forget. Book today and see why nothing comes close to celebrity cruises. We spend so much time managing stress and wellness, but sometimes it's the unseen things around us and that throw us off. Like allergens hiding in the air we breathe at home. That's where Clorox Pure Allergen Neutralizer Daily Air Spray comes in. 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Most people who say they're trying to manifest love are actually doing things that quietly push love away. Not because they're unworthy, not because they're broken, but because they've been taught the wrong definition of manifesting. We've been told that manifesting love means visualizing the perfect person saying affirmations and waiting for the universe to deliver. But psychology tells a very different story. Love doesn't appear because you want it badly enough. Love appears when your beliefs, nervous system, habits and identity are are aligned with sustaining it. So today I want to talk about how to actually manifest romantic love this year in a way that's grounded in science, emotionally honest, and genuinely hopeful. And if you stay with me, this episode won't just change how you think about love. It will change how love finds you. Here's the reframe that changes everything. You don't attract the relationship you want. You attract the relationship you're ready to participate in. That's not spiritual language. That's psychological reality. Research shows that relationship formation is predicted far more by emotional availability, attachment, security and behavioral consistency than by looks, money or status, no matter what the Internet says. So manifesting love isn't about calling someone in. It's about becoming someone love can actually stay with. Manifesting love isn't about attracting the right person. It's about becoming emotionally available when they arrive. Manifesting love isn't about chemistry. It's about nervous system safety. It isn't about visualizing a relationship, it's about making room to actually have one. Manifesting love isn't about fixing yourself. It's about stopping the behaviors that block connection. Manifesting love isn't about being wanted, it's about being able to receive. Manifesting love isn't about waiting for a sign. It's about recognizing consistency. Manifesting love isn't about high standards, it's about clear ones. So let's talk about how we do that. Principle 1 Emotional availability 1 of the most well researched ideas in relationship science is attachment theory. Decades of studies show that people tend to fall into patterns of how they connect secure, anxious or avoidant. Here's what's important. A large meta analysis published in Personality and Social Psychology Review found that securely attached people are consistently rated as as more desirable long term partners, regardless of physical attractiveness. Why? Because secure people communicate clearly, respond consistently, and are emotionally present. Secure people don't disappear to be chased. Insecure people withdraw to see if you care. Secure people bring issues to the person involved. Insecure people talk to everyone else first. Secure people don't confuse intensity with intimacy. And here's the quiet truth. Many people say they want love, but they're not emotionally available. They're still attached to an ex, a fantasy, or a version of love that hurt them. So ask yourself, am I emotionally open or just emotionally? Hopefully. Because hope doesn't create availability, presence does. Remember this. Chemistry without safety feels exciting. Safety without chemistry feels boring. Secure love learns how to hold both. Manifesting love begins when you stop chasing emotional unavailability and stop calling it a passion. It's so fascinating to me. I was at an event during the holidays and I was speaking to four women who all said to me that they wanted to find love. And I asked them how dating was going and they all said they weren't dating, they weren't meeting people. It's fascinating to me when our action is misaligned from my intention. Now I realized dating is exhausting. I realized that the apps can be challenging. I recognize that this isn't easy, but what I want to share with you is this. When you become more emotionally available with your friends, your family, open to connect, when you're figuring out how you're actually showing up as the person you want someone to fall in love with already, guess what? There's going to be more opportunities for you to create that connection because you're already showing up as the person who you want to be. You're already showing up as the person that someone can fall in love with. You're already showing up as that person. It makes such a big difference. Now, anyone who says it doesn't happen magically, you're right, it doesn't happen magically. But it's that you start to spot the opportunities. It's that you start to see where there might be a connection or compatibility. And the best part is you also know when it isn't. I think that's another thing. A lot of us waste our time in areas or with people that we know aren't the one because we're so desperate and want to be with someone that we actually miss out on someone who might be right there because we're too busy over here. And so making space is so important. Now, step one won't work unless we understand Principle two. Identity shapes attraction. Let's talk about identity. Psychologists have known for decades that self concept predicts behavior more reliably than intention. Think about this. You don't act based on what you want. You act based on who you believe you are. Studies published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology show that people subconsciously choose partners and tolerate behavior that confirm their self story, even when that story hurts them. The story you tell yourself, the story you tell others, the story you believe about yourself is the kind of partner you allow into your life. If you always believe that you're unlucky in love, you will find the evidence to match that. See, what our mind does is that it seeks out proof for what we already believe. It seeks out evidence for what you already believe. So if you believe you're unlucky in love, you'll meet someone and it won't work out and then you'll feel unlucky. You are noticing. You're training your mind to notice that. So if somewhere inside you believe I'm unlucky in love, people always leave. I'm just too much. You don't just think those thoughts, you live them. You, you over explain, you over give, you ignore red flags. You stay longer than you should. Because ultimately you're simply trying to prove the argument in your mind. If you tell everyone the story of, you know what, I've just never been able to find someone that everyone in my life connects with, you will find the person that everyone in your life connects with, apart from your sister. Right? Because you're trying to repeat that evidence. You're trying to prove that to yourself. It's fascinating how the mind works. You've probably seen this in other areas as well. Whatever you believe, you start to see it everywhere. But manifesting love requires shifting from intention to identity. You don't want to say I want a healthy relationship, but I'm someone who is part of healthy relationships. I'm someone who participates in healthy relationships. Notice how it's a different shift that identity shows up as boundaries without guilt, standards without defensiveness and curiosity without the anxiety. Here's the line to remember. Love responds to identity signals, not affirmations. I want you to be really clear about what you notice about yourself and what you believe about yourself. Everyone can tell two stories. The incredible things they did or the bad things that happened to them. It's all about which one you notice and which one you expand upon. When you believe that everything you've been through in your life has brought you to this place where you're ready for the right relationship, you're ready for a healthy relationship. You're not going to settle for less than you deserve, but you're not going to have crazy expectations that aren't realistic. You actually get to move forward. But when you keep creating stories about why your love life hasn't worked out, you will constantly exacerbate and expand them into your life. Now, I know that I've talked to you about Principle 1 and 2, but Principle 3 is the real practical unlock. Principle 3 is all about proximity and probability. Now let's ground this even more. One of the strongest findings in attraction research is something called the mere exposure effect. Simply put, the more we see someone, the more familiar and attractive they become. Another well established principle is the propinquity effect. Relationships form through repeated proximity. In fact, research consistently shows that most long term couples meet through shared environments, shared routines and Repeated interaction, not destiny. So here's the reframe. Love doesn't show up when you're ready. Love shows up when you're reachable. If your life has no rhythm, love has no entry point. Manifesting love looks like showing up to the same places at the same times around people who share your values. This isn't forcing love, this is designing coincidence. Think about it. So many people meet at work. So many people meet at their place of worship. People meet people in places of similar value, like a charity. Some people meet people at a party of a mutual friends most of the time. And if you think about just 25 to 50 years ago, most people got married to someone within a five mile radius of where they grew up. If we don't have proximity with opportunity, our probability of finding love goes down. And for most of us, we're trying to find love more randomly. What feels like magic, what feels like synchronicity rather than looking for it. Sometimes in the most obvious places that are right there, you're more likely to fall in love and find someone who's right for you in a place that you've repeatedly gone to than somewhere where you went once. And we always hear about those amazing stories. I was on vacation. Oh, I was taking a little sabbatical. We just bumped into each other. Those are beautiful and that's amazing. But the research proves that it's the repeated interactions that increase the probability for connection. Don't underestimate the people you know the most to help you find someone that you could love. Don't underestimate the places that you already go to to potentially discover the right partner. Don't underestimate the repetitive patterns in your life that can lead to spontaneous connection. Don't miss my new Audible Original series, Messy Love Difficult Conversations for Deeper Connection Join me, Jay Shetty, as I guide three couples toward a deeper understanding of themselves and their relationship. This isn't about achieving perfect love. It's about practice love. In each episode, I invite you into coaching sessions behind closed doors with couples navigating the complicated terrain of modern relationships. You'll witness raw moments of vulnerability as they work through resentment, broken trust and generational patterns. No script, no filters and no certainty of the outcome. Through these intimate sessions, I will share tools you can use to communicate with clarity and compassion. Break painful cycles of blame and withdrawal. Create emotional safety and rebuild trust. Turn daily moments into rituals of appreciation. Emotional, inspirational at moments, even transformational. This is Messy Love. Listen to my new Audible Original series, Messy Love. Difficult Conversations for deeper connection. Go to audible.com messylove to start listening today the new year always makes me look at my space differently. I want my home to feel calm, organized and supportive of the season ahead, not overwhelming. And that's where Wayfair has really helped me reset. I started with the basics fresh bedding and towels, and it immediately changed how my mornings felt. Then I looked at the spaces I use every day, like the living room and my work setup. Updating a few details like accent pillows, a mirror, and some simple decor made the whole room feel lighter without needing a full overhaul. What I love about Wayfair is how everything is in one place. From storage solutions that help you actually stay organized, to kitchen essentials that make weeknight dinners easier, to desks and chairs that support working or studying from home, it's all there. I was honestly surprised by how easy it was to find pieces that fit both my style and my budget. Wayfair makes it simple to get your home ready for the new year because they really do have everything you need all in one place. Get organized, refreshed, and back on track this new year. For way less, head to Wayfair.com right now to shop all things home. That's W A Y F A I R.com Wayfair Every style, every home Life doesn't always go the way we plan, and for parents, some days can feel like a constant whirlwind deadlines, homework, errands, and everything in between. That's why having a little relief in the chaos makes all the difference. Real life needs real relief. That's why doordash is there for whatever you need whenever you need it. There are moments when everything hits at once and the pressure can feel heavy. But being able to hand off even one task, whether it's dinner, supplies or something small that lifts the day, gives you back time, space and energy to focus on what truly matters being present and connected with your family. Because life is unpredictable and you don't have to carry it all yourself. Sometimes letting a little help in is exactly what allows you to be fully present. Parents know all too well how crazy life can get. Doordash just helps bring a little order to it. Now this principle that I'm about to share is so necessary, because when we're looking for love, it's usually from a place of desperation, a place of anxiety, a place of stress. Maybe you were told if you're not married by 30, your life's incomplete. If you haven't got kids by 35, that's really late. And now those times play on your mind and play on your subconscious. Your body's stressed out, you're feeling anxious, your heart's beating fast. I interviewed Quinlan Walther, who's a relationship coach, and she said you should never go shopping when you're hungry. And in the same way you should never go dating when you're starving, when you're feeling like you don't have anything, think about all the decisions you would make if you went to the grocery store and you were starving. You'd buy everything. It probably wouldn't even be good for you. And you'd probably overbuy, you'd probably overspend. We make mistakes when we come from a place of lack. But then you're saying to me, Jay, how am I meant to go full shopping? Like, how do I do that in love? How am I meant to feel full in love when I'm looking for someone to love me? How does that make sense? Well, that's where Principle 4 comes in. It's nervous system compatibility. Now this might be the most important principle. Your nervous system is choosing your partners before your mind does. According to research from polyvagal theory, humans are subconsciously drawn to people whose nervous systems feel familiar, not necessarily healthy. That's why chaos can feel like chemistry and calm can feel like boring. Here's the hard truth. Many people aren't attracted to love. They're attracted to what their nervous system already knows. So manifesting love means retraining your body to tolerate consistency, predictability and emotional safety. After a date, ask yourself, do I feel regulated or dysregulated? Calm or anxious? Grounded or on edge? Love isn't proven by butterflies. It's proven by how your body feels after the interaction. What's fascinating to me is how many of us are underestimate how our nervous system is actually attracting us to someone. If you're always in a fear based state, you're going to be attracted to people in a fear based state because it feels familiar, even though it's not good for you. If you're always in an anxiety based state, you're going to attract someone who's in an anxiety based state or creates more anxiety because it feels familiar, but it's not good for you. Remember, you can fall in love with someone who isn't good for you because they make your nervous system feel familiar. In the fear and an until you choose to regulate and rise above that for yourself, you won't be able to connect with a higher frequency. And we get lost, right? We think it's all about if I have Everything on the list. If I know exactly what I want, if I'm really aware that's what we think manifesting love is. But can you notice how far the points I'm sharing are from that form of manifestation? That's almost like wishful thinking. It's like imagination. It's DreamWorks. But to actually do the work, to actually create shifts in our life, to actually change and upgrade ourselves so that we actually connect with the right energy, we connect with the right frequency, makes a massive difference. If we're aligned, then we're going to meet people that are more aligned. And that's not aligned from some spiritual mental perspective. It comes down to your regulation of your nervous system. Principle 5 is all about standards versus defenses. Let's talk about boundaries. Research shows that clear, calm boundaries increase relational respect while defensiveness reduces connection. Here's the difference between a standard and defending yourself. Standards say, this is what I value. Defense says, this is what I'm afraid of. Defenses push people away. Standards invite the right people closer. But here's what's fascinating. We're so scared that we sound like we're defending ourselves. That in the early stages of a relationship, we will lower our standards. We will remove boundaries. We'll let someone walk right over us because we don't want to push them away. So what do we do? Here's how it works. Someone asks you to do something, it's breaking a boundary of yours. But you do it anyway. Because you think, well, I like them, they like me. Let's just make it work. Two months in, three months in, maybe even two years in. Sometimes you say, now I need to set this boundary. Now that we know each other better, you now set that boundary. And that person goes, well, why didn't you send this boundary before? I've never heard this before. I didn't realize that was important to you. We make it out like they're attacking us. So we're defending ourselves. No, this is what I'm afraid of. No, I don't want it to be like this. No, I don't. No, no, no. It's not saying what you value. It's not saying what's important to you. I remember when Radhe and I first started dating. She'd always say to me, it's really important to me that I'm present with my family on their birthdays, on celebration days, on the weekends. Like that's really, really important to me. And I'd always say to her, it's really important to me that I'm doing my service. I'm out there spending time with people, sharing insights, sharing wisdom. I wasn't saying to her, I'm scared that if I'm with you, I won't get to do that. And she wasn't saying to you, I'm scared if you're doing that, then I won't get to do this. If someone respects you, your boundaries will bring them closer. If someone doesn't respect you, you setting a boundary will push them away. Setting a boundary is a great way to know whether someone truly loves you and respects you or whether they don't. Here's what I want you to remember. Manifesting love doesn't mean lowering standards to avoid loneliness. It means raising self respect so you don't have to chase. I think when we think about standards and boundaries, we start proclaiming them as no, I won't accept less than this. No, this is what I deserve. That's fine for you to feel that, but the way you communicate that to someone has to be receivable, digestible, understandable. Sharing something as your value, as your priority, as something that is important to you, is far more valuable than sharing it in a way that makes someone feel that they have to value it. This is the key. When you share your value, it's not so that the other person can value it to the same degree. It's so that they can respect your value and you can continue to prioritize it. Your goal in a relationship is not to convince your partner to value what you value. It's to respect what they value and let them respect what you value and continue to have a healthy relationship. Trying to convince our partners to have different values, different focuses, different priorities is a waste of time. And I think one of the biggest reasons why we struggle to manifest love is we look at people like a project. We want to find someone that we can fix, solve, improve, upgrade. That isn't love, that's called work. And love and work are not aligned. You can't manifest love when what you actually were looking for was a project. Someone who depended on you, someone who made you feel worthy, someone who made you feel significant because they were so lacking. Only for you months in to realize you're putting in all the energy and the effort. Let me leave you with something simple. If you want to manifest romantic love this year, focus on four things. Number one, regulate your nervous system. There are subconscious parts of ourselves that are attracting us and connecting us with other people's subconscious. These are usually the things you only see when you break up with someone. They're Usually the things that you only notice when things finally end. If you think about all your relationships that didn't work out and go back to the moment you connected and think about what state you were actually in at that time, you'll immediately be able to know that you weren't ready for a relationship. It wasn't the right relationship. You were looking for the wrong things. You weren't focused and aligned in your nervous system. It didn't feel regulated. And what ends up happening in that position is we often want the other person to. To regulate our emotions, to regulate our nervous system for us, which exhausts them. So even if they are the right person, we push them away because we're asking them to do all of our work. Number two. Align your identity with the relationship you want. The stories you tell about your past relationships, the stories you tell about yourself, the stories you tell about your ex, and the stories you tell about your dating life are not just stories. They're your identity. If you believe you're unlucky in love, you will find more people to prove that is true. If you feel you don't deserve love, you will find more dates to prove that is true. You are going to prove the story you tell the most true. So change the story to what you want to be true. Your identity and the relationship you want should be aligned. Number three, create environments where love can find you. Places of similar values, places of mutual friends, places that you go often. Don't keep thinking that love's going to magically appear in the romantic movie way. In the randomest of places, that's less likely to happen. And the more you wait for that, the more you could be missing out on someone who's ideal for you, where you least expect it, because it's where you visit the most. And number four, choose safety as intentionally as chemistry. Someone who makes you feel safe is more important than someone who makes you feel wanted. Someone who makes you feel safe is more important than someone who makes you feel pursued. Someone who makes you feel safe is more important than chemistry or butterflies or any of those initial experiences. Because you want to feel safe for the rest of your life, you want to be at peace. That's what will last. And finally, love doesn't arrive when you think about it enough. It arrives when your life makes room for it. To find love, you don't need to become perfect. You need to become present. Because the love you're looking for is also looking for someone who's ready. Thank you so much for listening to this episode. If you know someone who's struggling to find love, who's figuring out heartbreak, who's dating right now. Send this episode to them because I truly believe it can help them understand what to really focus on when there's so much noise out there and distracting us away from what really makes a difference. It's not about a vision board. It's not about an ideal list. It's all about the topics that I've talked about today. Pass this on. Thank you so much for listening and I'll see you here again. Remember, I'm forever in your corner and I'm always rooting for you. Hey everyone. If you love that conversation, go and check out my episode with the world's leading therapist, Lori Gottlieb, where she answers the biggest questions that people ask in therapy when it comes to love, relationships, heartbreak and dating. If you're trying to figure out that space right now, you won't want to miss this conversation.
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If it's a romantic relationship, hold hands. It's really hard to argue. It actually calms your nervous systems. Just hold hands as you're having the conversation. It's so lovely.
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