Podcast Summary: On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Episode: If You Can’t Get Over Your Ex—Listen to This! (7 Steps to Stop Obsessing and FINALLY Move on After a Breakup)
Release Date: June 20, 2025
Host: Jay Shetty
Platform: iHeartPodcasts
Introduction
In this episode of On Purpose, Jay Shetty addresses a universal pain point: struggling to move on after a breakup. Drawing from his extensive experience and conversations with individuals navigating heartbreak, Jay offers a no-nonsense, actionable framework comprising seven steps designed to help listeners stop obsessing over their exes and genuinely heal. His compassionate yet direct approach aims to provide clarity and empowerment to those feeling lost and self-blaming in the aftermath of a relationship ending.
Step 1: Learn to Grieve Without the Fairy Tale Filter
Key Points:
- Understanding Grief: Jay emphasizes that a breakup entails grieving not just the person but also the envisioned future and the self intertwined with that relationship.
- Avoiding Idealization: He warns against "rosy retrospection"—the tendency to romanticize past moments—which obscures the reality of the relationship's shortcomings.
- Embracing Clarity: By writing down factual accounts of the relationship, listeners can differentiate between the dream they envisioned and the actual dynamics that existed.
Notable Quote:
"You're not missing them. You're missing the comfort of certainty even if it was fake."
— Jay Shetty [05:30]
Step 2: Interrupt the Obsession Loop
Key Points:
- Cognitive Processing: Repeating thoughts helps process grief, akin to how a washing machine cleans clothes through repeated cycles.
- Breaking the Cycle: Jay advises actively interrupting obsessive behaviors, such as stalking an ex's social media or seeking closure from them, to prevent emotional stagnation.
- Practical Actions: Steps include blocking triggers, removing reminders, and replacing ruminative thoughts with new routines to alter emotional connections.
Notable Quote:
"Break the cycle—block, mute, delete. Stop giving your piece to someone who already chose to lose it."
— Jay Shetty [15:45]
Step 3: Kill the Narrative That It Was All Your Fault
Key Points:
- Negativity Bias: Without closure, the mind tends to fill gaps with self-blame and worst-case scenarios.
- Balanced Accountability: While self-reflection is important, Jay cautions against taking sole responsibility for the relationship's failure.
- Understanding Complexity: Relationships end due to multiple factors—mismatched timing, misaligned values, and differing characters—not solely one person's shortcomings.
Notable Quote:
"Love isn't about what feels the most exciting. It's about the person that makes you feel safe, seen, and supported."
— Jay Shetty [22:10]
Step 4: Close the Loop with Your Own Ritual
Key Points:
- Creating Closure: Jay encourages listeners to perform symbolic actions that signify the end of a chapter, thereby signaling to their nervous system that it's time to move forward.
- Examples of Rituals: Writing and burning a letter, burying a photo, or deleting message threads can serve as tangible steps toward closure.
- Self-Empowerment: Emphasizes that closure must be self-generated, not dependent on the ex-partner.
Notable Quote:
"Closure isn't given, it's created. They won't give you closure. You have to give that to yourself."
— Jay Shetty [28:25]
Step 5: Understand That Pain Doesn't Mean You're Meant to Be
Key Points:
- Emotional Pain vs. Soulmates: Feeling intense pain after a breakup doesn't validate the relationship as meant to be; rather, it highlights the depth of one's capacity to love.
- Physicality of Emotional Pain: Cites studies showing that emotional pain activates the same brain regions as physical injury, reinforcing the naturalness of feeling hurt.
- Reframing Pain: Encourages viewing pain as evidence of emotional investment and growth opportunity, not as a sign of destiny.
Notable Quote:
"Just because you feel pain from a breakup doesn't mean you're meant to be. Pain isn't proof it was right. It's proof that you cared."
— Jay Shetty [34:50]
Step 6: Redirect the Energy Ruthlessly
Key Points:
- Productive Aggression: Drawing from Dr. Jordan Peterson, Jay suggests channeling the intense emotions from heartbreak into positive actions.
- New Ventures: Engaging in activities like redesigning living spaces, taking courses, or starting new hobbies can help transform negative energy into personal growth.
- Breaking Down vs. Breakthrough: Uses breakdowns as fuel for breakthroughs, emphasizing resilience and proactive change.
Notable Quote:
"Use the breakdown for a breakthrough."
— Jay Shetty [40:15]
Step 7: Stop Waiting to Feel Ready
Key Points:
- Immediate Action: Encourages listeners to begin rebuilding themselves now, rather than delaying until they feel "ready."
- Identity Reconstruction: After a breakup, an identity gap emerges. Jay advises choosing one aspect of oneself to nurture and develop independently of past relationships.
- Future-Focused Growth: Emphasizes becoming someone ex-partners never knew, leveraging accumulated wisdom to foster a better future.
Notable Quote:
"You're not just getting over them, you're rebuilding you."
— Jay Shetty [45:00]
Conclusion
Jay Shetty wraps up the episode by reaffirming his commitment to supporting listeners through their healing journeys. He directs them to additional resources on his YouTube channel and highlights upcoming conversations with relationship experts like Matthew Hussey. Emphasizing self-compassion and proactive growth, Jay leaves listeners with a message of empowerment: by following these seven steps, they can transform heartbreak into an opportunity for profound personal development.
Final Thought:
"You didn't get closure. So give yourself something better. A new start."
— Jay Shetty [50:20]
Key Takeaways
- Acknowledge Your Grief: Recognize the multifaceted nature of grief post-breakup and differentiate between reality and idealized narratives.
- Break Obsessive Patterns: Actively disrupt unhealthy thought loops by removing triggers and adopting new routines.
- Balance Self-Accountability: Reflect on the relationship without defaulting to self-blame, understanding that both parties contribute to its dynamics.
- Create Personal Closure: Engage in rituals that symbolize the end of the relationship, fostering emotional closure from within.
- Reframe Pain as Growth: View emotional pain as a testament to your capacity to love and an impetus for personal growth.
- Channel Emotions Positively: Redirect the intense emotions from heartbreak into productive activities that build your new identity.
- Act Now, Don’t Wait: Begin the process of rebuilding immediately, focusing on becoming a better version of yourself without awaiting the "perfect" moment.
By implementing these seven steps, Jay Shetty provides a comprehensive roadmap for individuals seeking to overcome the lingering pain of a breakup and emerge stronger and more self-aware. This episode serves as both a compassionate guide and a motivational call to action for anyone navigating the tumultuous waters of post-relationship healing.