Jay & Radhi Talk About Icks vs. Red Flags (How to ACTUALLY Know the Difference)

Summary

Episode Overview

Podcast: On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Episode: Jay & Radhi Talk About Icks vs. Red Flags (How to ACTUALLY Know the Difference)
Date: November 22, 2025
Theme:
Jay Shetty and Radhi Devlukia dig into the concept of “icks”—those small but instant turn-offs in dating and relationships—and discuss how to differentiate between harmless quirks and actual red flags. The duo explores the origins of "icks," shares their own relationship stories, highlights common icks from both genders, and ultimately reflects on how much weight we should give to icks compared to true incompatibilities.

---

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. What is an “Ick”?

• Definition:
  • Jay explains the "ick" as “a sudden turn off or something that instantly kills attraction. These aren’t always rational, and they can vary culturally and individually” (03:25).
• Origins:
  • The concept wasn’t labeled as “ick” early in their relationship; it’s a modern term for an old experience (03:20–03:25).

2. Personal Experiences with Icks

• Radhi Admits:
  • She’s always felt icks, even about Jay at times (04:05).
  • “But icks doesn’t mean that you don’t love someone. Ick just means you’re like, ‘Oh, maybe don’t do that around me’” – Radhi (04:15).
• Jay’s Icks about Radhi:
  • Jay confesses being late is a “massive ick” for him (08:18).

3. Funny and Ridiculous Real-Life Icks

Jay and Radhi, with playful banter, read and rate various funny icks gathered from friends and online, highlighting how arbitrary some can be:

• Using an indicator in the car isn’t “masculine enough” (05:27).
• Crying husbands (05:37).
• Running after a receipt in the wind, limply holding an umbrella, running with a bouncing backpack, struggling out of a beanbag chair, getting carsick, and “panty liner socks” (06:08–07:08).
• “When you wear socks and sandals, it really upsets me…” – Radhi, offering a solution of shoe shopping together (13:16).

4. Difference Between Harmless Icks and Serious Red Flags

• Radhi: "An ick to me is something that's not a serious problem. An ick to me is something silly your mind is fixated on, but you know, there is a bit of humor to it" (24:48).
• Jay: “Usually we overvalue an ick and we undervalue a fundamental red flag… If someone runs with their backpack bouncing, we think, oh my gosh, they're so unattractive. But if someone doesn't reply, you're like, oh, they must be busy. Right?” (25:31).
• Radhi: Fundamental issues—like poor communication—aren't icks, they're security issues in a relationship (24:48).

5. Can You Get Over an Ick?

• Radhi: "The more you like someone, the less you'll find—the more you'll find the ick cuter. However, there are just some things that the other person's going to have to just stop doing..." (12:52).

6. The Role of Attraction & Psychology

• Jay and Radhi discuss how chemistry and infatuation can make us overlook serious red flags or even find icks endearing.
• Radhi references studies suggesting “...your mind changes so even the things you would normally find unattractive, you find attractive in them,” especially in tumultuous relationships (26:46).
• Example: Radhi used to dislike smoking, but became desensitized when attracted to a smoker (27:55).

7. Top Icks by Gender

Women’s Top Icks About Men (16:44):

• Lack of hygiene or grooming
• Overconfidence or cockiness
• Immaturity or childish behavior
• Poor communication
• Obsessing over celebrities

Men’s Top Icks About Women (28:56):

• Overly superficial behavior (appearance, selfies)
• Playing mind games
• Entitlement or materialism
• Being overly dramatic or constantly negative
• Lack of accountability

8. Cultural & Social Commentary on Icks

• Jay notes that sometimes icks are convenient excuses to end or avoid relationships: “It’s an easy reason, a scapegoat to justify why you don’t want to be with someone” (15:31).
• Radhi calls out the modern social media trend of fixating on superficial qualities while overlooking more consequential issues (25:54).

9. How to Communicate About Icks

• The duo recommends honesty and humor when addressing icks:
  • "I really like you as a person, but when you wear socks and sandals, it really upsets me because I enjoy fashion. But I would love to go shoe shopping with you" – Radhi (13:21).

---

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

“But icks doesn’t mean that you don’t love someone. Ick just means you’re like, ‘Oh, maybe don’t do that around me.’”
– Radhi (04:15)

“Everyone is gonna have something that gives you the ick… You’re not dating the ick, you date a person.”
– Jay (14:47)

“Usually we overvalue an ick and we undervalue a fundamental red flag.”
– Jay (25:31)

“If something really affects you, you should know it’s less likely to change than more likely, especially if it’s something conditioned and deeply a part of their life… The two questions you have to ask are: why does this trigger me so much, and am I okay if this never changes?”
– Jay (19:49)

“Don’t overvalue icks and undervalue fundamentals.”
– Jay (33:11)

Memorable Banter:

• Radhi teasing Jay over his “baby voice” with his family (07:35).
• The couple laughing over the “panty liner socks” and “mini iPads” as dealbreakers (07:04, 31:42).
• Reading out absurd icks from friends and online sources—like men holding the car bar when Radhi is driving, or leaving events early to beat traffic (06:41, 31:01).

---

Timestamps for Important Segments

| Timestamp | Segment | Details | |-----------|----------------------------------------------|----------------------------------------------------------| | 03:25 | Defining the ick | Jay breaks down what an ick is | | 05:27 | Real-life examples from friends | Discussion of arbitrary/funny icks | | 07:35 | Radhi’s personal ick about Jay | “Baby voice” moment | | 09:00 | How seriously should we take icks? | Discussion on the importance (or not) of icks | | 11:14 | Poor grammar and air guitar | Icks go beyond fashion and hygiene | | 12:52 | Can you get over an ick? | The role of affection in changing perception | | 13:21 | How to communicate an ick honestly | Sample conversation | | 14:47 | Not dating the ick, you date the person | Focusing on fundamentals | | 16:44 | Top five icks women have about men | Hygiene, arrogance, immaturity, etc. | | 19:49 | Are icks fixable or fundamental? | Jay’s questions to consider | | 24:48 | “Ick” vs. Relationship Security Issue | Red flags vs. quirks | | 25:31 | Overvaluing icks, undervaluing red flags | Major pattern in dating culture | | 26:46 | Infatuation distorts sense of icks | Radhi’s psychology observation | | 28:56 | Top five icks men have about women | Superficiality, entitlement, drama, accountability | | 31:01 | More real-life listener icks | Leaving events early, men with iPads, etc. | | 33:11 | Key takeaway | Don’t overvalue icks |

---

Takeaways

- Understand what an ick really is:

Harmless quirks are normal and somewhat humorous. Learn to distinguish them from real compatibility issues.

- Don't use icks as scapegoats:

If you're not attracted to someone, be honest rather than blaming superficial quirks.

- Communication matters:

If something persistently bothers you, address it kindly and constructively.

- Attraction can blind us to both red flags and icks:

Check in with yourself about what truly matters long-term.

“If something really affects you, you should know it’s less likely to change…”

---

Final Thoughts

Jay and Radhi’s conversation, filled with laughter and relatable anecdotes, offers a refreshing reminder: we all have “icks,” but it’s important to separate harmless quirks from deal-breaking red flags. Sometimes, we fixate on the wrong things—overlooking true incompatibilities for the sake of chemistry or using silly reasons to end promising connections. Know yourself, be honest with your partner, and don’t sweat the small stuff if the fundamentals are in place.

---

For more on relationship dynamics, Jay recommends his episode with Lori Gottlieb on love and therapy.

Transcript

[Radha Devlukia]

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[Jay Shetty]

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[Podcast Announcer]

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[Jay Shetty]

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[Guest Speaker 1]

One of my biggest icks is when.

[Radha Devlukia]

They like wake up and they're confused.

[Guest Speaker 2]

If they play games on their phone.

[Radha Devlukia]

When he posts on social media.

[Jay Shetty]

Grown men shouldn't wear earrings. Don't message me saying when am I taking you?

[Radha Devlukia]

I'm not.

[Jay Shetty]

How seriously should people take icks?

[Radha Devlukia]

They should be seen as more of a funny thing, not something that actually puts them off their partner.

[Jay Shetty]

Do you ever get over a ick?

[Radha Devlukia]

The more you like someone, the more you'll find the ick's cuter.

[Jay Shetty]

Everyone is gonna have something that gives you the ick.

[Radha Devlukia]

I remember one of my icks was at the beginning when we were dating.

[Jay Shetty]

Go on.

[Radha Devlukia]

We used to do that oh, my God.

[Podcast Announcer]

Hey, everyone.

[Jay Shetty]

Welcome back to On Purpose with Jay Shetty, with my favorite person in the world, Radha Devlukia. And we're diving into topics about things that we talk about, things that we hear about from friends and family, things that you could talk about on a long car journey after a long day at work, or maybe while you're out at dinner and you want to have a chat about what's going on. So today's topic is all about icks.

[Podcast Announcer]

Icks.

[Radha Devlukia]

Good old icks.

[Jay Shetty]

I feel like the concept of icks didn't exist when we were dating.

[Radha Devlukia]

No, maybe.

[Jay Shetty]

Or maybe they existed, but they didn't have that language. And if anyone's wondering because you've been sleeping under a rock what an ick is, the term ick refers to a sudden turn off or something that instantly kills attraction.

[Radha Devlukia]

Ooh, that's a harsh term.

[Jay Shetty]

These aren't always rational, and they can vary culturally and individually, but there are common patterns reported in dating conversations, social media, and psychological observations.

[Radha Devlukia]

Wow.

[Jay Shetty]

So, official, when did you first discover what icks were?

[Radha Devlukia]

I don't know when, but I feel like now that it's got a name to. I appreciate it because I felt ICS my whole life.

[Jay Shetty]

Really?

[Radha Devlukia]

Yeah.

[Jay Shetty]

What, like when you were dating back in the day?

[Radha Devlukia]

Yeah.

[Jay Shetty]

You never dated anyone apart from me?

[Radha Devlukia]

What? I definitely felt icks throughout my life. I've probably felt a few icks with you.

[Jay Shetty]

What do you mean? What are you expecting?

[Radha Devlukia]

We spoke about this.

[Jay Shetty]

What?

[Radha Devlukia]

We've had icks so many icks. But icks doesn't mean that you don't love someone.

[Jay Shetty]

Right.

[Radha Devlukia]

Ick just means you're like, oh, maybe, you know, don't do that around me.

[Jay Shetty]

Right?

[Radha Devlukia]

Yeah. You have icks with me. No. What was your ick with me? I don't. Yeah.

[Jay Shetty]

What?

[Radha Devlukia]

Anyway, is this about us? Yeah, we're just having a general conversation about icks. Guys. No, they came. The topic came about because we were in a car journey with my cousins. We were on our way back from the Drake concert. We had a long journey, and somehow we came onto the topic of icks within our relationships, but then also just generally, you know, there's the man with the ick list, which. The girl.

[Jay Shetty]

That's mine. That's my favorite. The guy with the list.

[Radha Devlukia]

The guy with the I list.

[Jay Shetty]

Yeah. I love it. If you don't follow guy with the.

[Radha Devlukia]

List, please follow him. What a legend.

[Jay Shetty]

Please follow him. I have no idea who he is. He is hilarious.

[Radha Devlukia]

He's brilliant, and he just, like, he finds all these things that women say or men say are icks about men and women. And he puts them onto a really, really long. So we started getting into it, and let me tell you, we came up with some crazy ones. One of my cousins said that she thinks it's icky when her husband uses an indicator in the car. I don't even know how that's an ick. But that was an ick because.

[Jay Shetty]

What was her reasoning?

[Radha Devlukia]

I don't remember.

[Jay Shetty]

She said that it doesn't feel masculine.

[Radha Devlukia]

Masculine enough, yes. Someone else that I spoke to said that she finds it really icky when her husband cries.

[Jay Shetty]

That's terrible.

[Radha Devlukia]

So not nice. But also just so funny that people put that on the ick list. Well, okay, it's obviously funny, but there's also a little bit of meanness and depth to it that people get turned off so easily these days. And I think it really. Sometimes just by getting an ick, they won't go on a second date. I feel like. Should we start off by reading some really funny icks out? Okay, so. Oh, when they run after a receipt that's blown away in the wind.

[Jay Shetty]

Who does that?

[Radha Devlukia]

When they hold a limp umbrella in a strong wind? When they run with the backpack on and it bounces side to side. That's a really good one. I agree. When they. When they tried to get out of a beanbag chair and it takes a full 12 seconds. When they walk. When they call a waiter over, but they walk right past them. These are all very good ones. There are some other really funny ones, though, too. What else did we say in the car that was really funny?

[Jay Shetty]

I don't remember the car ones at all.

[Radha Devlukia]

When they have allergies. That's so rude. When you're driving and they grab the bar. Yeah. When you are the driver. When the girl's the driver and the guy gets scared and holds the side of the car, that's icky. When they get car sick, I get car sick.

[Jay Shetty]

That's not an ick. It's a really bad thing to go through, actually.

[Radha Devlukia]

When they wear no shirt socks. No.

[Jay Shetty]

Yeah, I agree with that one.

[Radha Devlukia]

Those little panty liner socks.

[Jay Shetty]

Panty.

[Radha Devlukia]

They are awful. The thong socks is what we should call them. Awful. Awful.

[Jay Shetty]

Is that all you have to say?

[Radha Devlukia]

Well, look, I think icks are fair, but I also think that they should be more seen as more of a funny thing, not something that actually puts them off their partner.

[Jay Shetty]

I think it should end up becoming something that's endearing. Like you should go from thinking it's an ick to finding it a bit cute.

[Radha Devlukia]

Do you remember? I remember one of my icks was at the beginning when we were dating.

[Jay Shetty]

Go on.

[Radha Devlukia]

When you used to do that baby voice with your mum and your sister. Oh, my God, I cannot even hear it. Go and do it, please. I'm not doing it.

[Jay Shetty]

I don't do it with anyone else.

[Radha Devlukia]

You do know it, though.

[Jay Shetty]

I don't. Only with my mom and my sister.

[Radha Devlukia]

Mum and sister. Suddenly I was in a room with all three of them and they're all doing this weird baby voice to each other. I was like in. Where am I and what is happening? Please just do it once.

[Jay Shetty]

No, I don't do it anymore.

[Radha Devlukia]

Come on, show them to. So they.

[Jay Shetty]

I literally don't do it anymore because you. You are.

[Radha Devlukia]

You actually don't do it that much.

[Jay Shetty]

I don't do anymore.

[Radha Devlukia]

But you know what? You should be who you want to be.

[Jay Shetty]

I don't do that anymore, but just.

[Radha Devlukia]

Don'T do that voice around me.

[Jay Shetty]

What are my icks about you? But yeah, what are my icks about you don't know.

[Radha Devlukia]

The beginning.

[Jay Shetty]

Being late. Yeah, that is an ick. That is a massive ick for me.

[Radha Devlukia]

When people really massive ick.

[Jay Shetty]

You can't be late.

[Radha Devlukia]

I've been ick your whole life then, mate.

[Jay Shetty]

Basically. What else?

[Radha Devlukia]

Skinny jeans. Skinny jeans are a skinny jeans. I was just checking if I'll be jogger. Probably skinny jeans before I said it. Skinny jeans, big ick.

[Jay Shetty]

Now they are. At one point they were fashionable. That's what it is about icks. That there was a time when the ick could have been fashionable. Like, I know one of our friends, her sister doesn't like men who wear jewelry.

[Radha Devlukia]

Oh, that's her ick.

[Jay Shetty]

So that's what I'm trying to understand is, like, how seriously should people take icks?

[Radha Devlukia]

I think they should be taken with a pinch of salt. You know, I don't think you should take them too seriously, but I think if there are too many icks, you know, they're not going to find that person attractive. That's the problem. So either you have to work on your tolerance and what you find icky and maybe some things like you not wanting your husband to cry in front of you, that may be therapy. That's required. Not going to lie. You may need to really work on that. But other things, like, you know, flip flops with socks, you know, give a bit of leeway. Maybe just choose the shoes for your partner the next time they go out.

[Jay Shetty]

All right. I'm going to read out a list of icks and we have to decide on a scale of 1 to 10 how bad they are.

[Radha Devlukia]

Okay.

[Jay Shetty]

All right, so.

[Radha Devlukia]

Or do we do a yes or no as in ick or not?

[Jay Shetty]

Yeah, ick or not. Yeah, ick or not. All right. Chewing with their mouth open. Ick the ick for sure. Clapping when the plane lands. I like it.

[Radha Devlukia]

You know what? It's appreciated.

[Jay Shetty]

You should be really happy when a plane lands.

[Radha Devlukia]

Yeah, it's amazing. Not ick.

[Jay Shetty]

Yeah. Not washing their hands after the bathroom.

[Radha Devlukia]

That is all around ick. That's not subjective.

[Podcast Announcer]

Yeah.

[Jay Shetty]

Asking to split a bill.

[Radha Devlukia]

I don't think that's an ick. But then I, you know, I like being a self sufficient woman.

[Jay Shetty]

As a man, I always wanted to pick up the bill. I always did. When we were dating originally as well. Like it was always something that I've wanted to do. And so to me, ick.

[Radha Devlukia]

That's not an ick for me.

[Jay Shetty]

Okay. Talking in a baby voice.

[Radha Devlukia]

As a grown ass man. Absolute ick.

[Jay Shetty]

I get it now. Using too many hashtags.

[Radha Devlukia]

Oh my gosh, what an ick. And I'm using too many emojis as a no ick.

[Jay Shetty]

Being too obsessed with astrology. Like blaming everything on being a Gemini.

[Radha Devlukia]

Oh, that's a bit of an ick. Lots of girls do that. That's an ick.

[Jay Shetty]

That's a bit of an ick.

[Radha Devlukia]

Yeah.

[Jay Shetty]

Bit of an ick. Taking mirror selfies at the gym.

[Radha Devlukia]

Well, no, no. Should I tell you? What? There's this girl that I've been seeing at the gym lately. I was like, wow, her body's amazing. She must work so hard. I swear I've not seen her lift one way in the gym. All she does is come into the gym in beautiful outfits. She looks amazing, takes pictures and leaves. So yes, if you're taking pictures after having done a hard workout, not a nick. If you're coming to the gym in a cute outfit just to take pictures without doing a workout. Ick. Oh, another ick. When the man looks in the mirror more than you do. Ick.

[Jay Shetty]

We don't have that problem. Obviously. Poor grammar in texts. You're hot instead of you are hot. I think poor grammar is pretty bad. Yeah, but it's obvious.

[Radha Devlukia]

Air guitar. When a guy does an air guitar. Or like all fake golf. Oh my God, no. Or finger guns. Oh, no.

[Jay Shetty]

Leaving voice notes that are four plus minutes long. Massive ick. Do not leave.

[Radha Devlukia]

Me and my friends do that.

[Jay Shetty]

I hate it.

[Radha Devlukia]

But maybe not Voice notes are such.

[Jay Shetty]

A waste of time. It's like. So I really wanted to tell you this, and I don't want this to be long.

[Radha Devlukia]

Yeah.

[Jay Shetty]

But I've been thinking about this, and I'm thinking about one friend that does it. I know right now.

[Radha Devlukia]

Drinks cow's milk in a glass. Drinks cow's milk. Full stop. Ick.

[Jay Shetty]

Using phrases like let that sink in too. Seriously.

[Radha Devlukia]

Calls women females. What the hell is he, a biology teacher?

[Jay Shetty]

Oh, my God. All right. Obsessing over a celebrity like they know them personally.

[Radha Devlukia]

Yeah.

[Jay Shetty]

When I have friends that refer to celebrities by their first name they don't know, isn't ick referring to their ex as crazy with no context? You're okay with that?

[Radha Devlukia]

Yeah, I'm alright with that.

[Jay Shetty]

Oh, gosh. So let's help people. Let's think about icks. What's our take?

[Radha Devlukia]

My take is that you should give people.

[Jay Shetty]

Oh, wait, this is a better question.

[Radha Devlukia]

Yeah.

[Jay Shetty]

Do you ever get over a ick? Can you get over it? Like, did you get over the ick of me talking a baby voice or did I have to stop doing it?

[Radha Devlukia]

Mixture of both. I think the more you like someone, the less you'll find, like, the. The more you'll find the excuser. However, there are just some things that you're going to have the other person's going to have to just stop doing if the partner finds it icky more than three times.

[Jay Shetty]

So how do you tell someone, hey, I have an ick about this. And I think that's the reason I haven't been texting you. That's the reason I haven't been. How do you do it?

[Radha Devlukia]

Chatgpt will give you a really great answer for that.

[Jay Shetty]

No, but seriously.

[Ad Voice]

Yeah.

[Radha Devlukia]

How would you do it? I think. I think you could be really honest in saying that. I really like you as a person, but when you wear socks and sandals, it really upsets me because I enjoy fashion. And that, to me, doesn't look like fashion.

[Jay Shetty]

Yeah.

[Radha Devlukia]

But I would love to go shoe shopping with you.

[Jay Shetty]

Yeah.

[Radha Devlukia]

And help you find shoes that really work well with those socks.

[Jay Shetty]

You know, I remember the scene in Nobody wants this. Do you remember that show? So with what's his name? Adam Brody and Kristen Bell. And there's a scene where he comes over, but he's wearing shorts with a blazer.

[Radha Devlukia]

Yes.

[Jay Shetty]

And she's got the biggest ick.

[Radha Devlukia]

Really?

[Jay Shetty]

Yeah. Cause she hates.

[Radha Devlukia]

Oh, yeah, I remember that. Yeah.

[Jay Shetty]

He's wearing shorts with a blazer. And it's like the whole episode is like her Spiraling, thinking he's not the guy. I can't believe it. I'm gonna break up with him. Like, it becomes this massive thing. And then I think she tells him about it. And I think that is the reality of if you flag it to someone. But what happens when that person says, well, this is who I am? Is that the end?

[Radha Devlukia]

I don't know. It depends how much that person really how invested you are in that person. I do think when you're basing dating someone off a few icks, unless it's really putting you off to the point where you don't really want to be seen with them or want to hang out with them, or it just. Every time you're seeing them, you're feeling icky. It's probably a sign that they're icks. Or if there's a few too many for you to be able to handle. Yeah, I mean, my dad can't be icked out every. Every day, for sure.

[Jay Shetty]

But you've also got to know what your basic level of standards are, too, because everyone is going to have something that gives you the ick, and you're not dating the ick. You date a person who is like, do they respond? Do they show up? Do they call? Do they check in? Like, that's what you're doing. You're not dating the person whose backpack bounces when they run. Like, that's.

[Radha Devlukia]

You don't give them a different bag tie in their backpack.

[Jay Shetty]

But you don't have to watch that every day. Like, that's not your life. You know what I mean? Like, I think. I think today people find icks to get out of something they want to get out of. So it's like. It's like.

[Radha Devlukia]

It's an easy reason.

[Jay Shetty]

Yeah, it's an easy reason. It's a scapegoat. It's something you use to justify why you don't want to be with someone.

[Radha Devlukia]

Right, Right.

[Jay Shetty]

You just aren't attracted to them. You just aren't into them, and you don't want to say that. So you end up coming up with this ick that justifies why you don't want to be them.

[Radha Devlukia]

Yeah, I think so. I think an ick is a good, easy way out. Yeah, for sure.

[Jay Shetty]

Jared Friedhu hosts the UOP podcast who's a mate of mine. He says that men like an ick would never stop a man from dating someone. If they like someone, they like someone. Doesn't matter even if there's an ick. But from women, it's actually a Lot more serious. Do you agree?

[Radha Devlukia]

I think so.

[Podcast Announcer]

Why?

[Radha Devlukia]

But then I think, I wonder if. Okay, let's say a girl's got bad breath. Is that not going to be an ick for a guy?

[Jay Shetty]

No, of course it is.

[Radha Devlukia]

But it won't stop her from dating.

[Jay Shetty]

I don't know. That's a question for Jared right there. I'm not sure. Like, I mean, for me, to me, that's more than an ick. To me, that's just bad hygiene. Like, I'm like. That's like a basic something else. Yeah, exactly. That's like a basic human thing that you'd want from everyone, let alone the person.

[Radha Devlukia]

Yeah, that's true. That's true.

[Jay Shetty]

Right?

[Radha Devlukia]

Yeah. I think women definitely are potentially pickier. I'd say maybe when it comes to things like that.

[Jay Shetty]

Interesting. Well, I got up here the top five icks women commonly have about men.

[Radha Devlukia]

Yeah, go on.

[Jay Shetty]

Lack of hygiene or grooming.

[Radha Devlukia]

Oh, wait. That women have about men.

[Jay Shetty]

Yeah.

[Radha Devlukia]

Okay.

[Jay Shetty]

Dirty nails, bad breath or unkept hair can instantly kill attraction.

[Radha Devlukia]

Wow.

[Jay Shetty]

Smelling bad or being generally unkept ranks high in surveys.

[Radha Devlukia]

Wow.

[Jay Shetty]

However, I would say I know a lot of friends who are with guys who don't smell great and they're.

[Radha Devlukia]

Oh, interesting.

[Jay Shetty]

Number two is icks that women have about men. Overconfidence or cockiness, bragging, dominating or acting like a know it all is often perceived as insecurity, masked as arrogance.

[Radha Devlukia]

I like that. That's a good one.

[Jay Shetty]

Let's talk about that. What is the difference between confidence and cockiness and confidence and arrogance for you?

[Radha Devlukia]

I think arrogance is when you are trying to prove to someone that what your worth is. When you're trying to prove to someone that you are better than something else or someone else. And I think confidence is, you know, confidence. I just find it so much quieter. It's like you just show up with energy. That is you are supporting your own self. You're not trying to put other people down in trying to make yourself look better.

[Jay Shetty]

Right.

[Radha Devlukia]

A lot of the time with arrogance, people are trying to put other people down or they're acting in a way that feels superior. I think that's the difference. Arrogance is superiority. Confidence is being able to carry yourself with respect for yourself.

[Jay Shetty]

Yeah.

[Radha Devlukia]

And I think you really see the difference when people are talking, acting, how they act towards other people, how they act towards you, the things that they say in conversation, even on a day, it's so obvious when someone is cocky. And usually cockiness comes from insecurity. So.

[Jay Shetty]

So, yeah, I definitely think Overconfidence or arrogance is a turn off for everyone. I don't enjoy the conversation. It's not endearing. It's not impressive. You switch off really, really quickly. That makes a lot of sense. Number three is immaturity or childish behavior. This includes playing too many video games, making crude jokes, or being emotionally unavailable or avoidant. Those are all X for women. Like serious hicks.

[Radha Devlukia]

Yeah. I think the childish behavior, it's interesting because I think some women actually, depending on what traumas they've been through when they've been younger, babying a man is what they've been used to. Interesting. Or are attracted to interesting. A man to save, a man to look after, a man to care for. So I actually see a lot more women. Well, I see a lot of powerful women ending up with people like that where they have to look after them.

[Jay Shetty]

Interesting.

[Radha Devlukia]

But I can understand why it should be a turn off, because you don't want to be mothering your boyfriend or your partner.

[Jay Shetty]

Yeah. I think it's really interesting. I think sometimes women get into relationships hoping the man will change.

[Radha Devlukia]

Yes.

[Jay Shetty]

And men get into relationships hoping the women will never change.

[Radha Devlukia]

Yes. That's so true.

[Jay Shetty]

What ends up happening is that the man doesn't change and the woman does.

[Radha Devlukia]

Mm.

[Jay Shetty]

So it's the opposite of what you wanted. And when you get into a relationship with a guy who plays video games, he's not just gonna stop playing video games the moment you get married. That's. That's what he does.

[Radha Devlukia]

Yeah.

[Jay Shetty]

And you're not gonna change that about him. And I think that's what's so interesting about these icks is that if something really affects you, you should know it's less likely to change than more likely, Especially if it's something conditioned and deeply a part of their life. Right. And so if something does affect you that deeply, the two questions you have to ask is, why does this trigger me so much? And am I okay if this never changes? I think that's really important.

[Radha Devlukia]

It is.

[Jay Shetty]

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[Jay Shetty]

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[Radha Devlukia]

See, I think there's a difference between icks now and what makes someone feel secure in the relationship. Because that's a big security part of a relationship where if you feel confused about where you stand, if the person isn't communicating in a way that makes you feel wanted, that actually breeds insecurity in a relationship. And I think that more than an ick, that is probably a serious. An ick to me is something that's not a serious problem. And ick to me is something slightly silly that your mind's fixated on. But, you know, there is a bit of humor to it. Whereas this doesn't seem like an ick, it seems like more of a serious issue because you don't know where you stand in the relationship. And I think that you have to know the difference between an ick and something that is actually fundamental.

[Jay Shetty]

That's really interesting because usually we overvalue an ick and we undervalue a fundamental red flag. If someone runs with their backpack bouncing, we think, oh my gosh, they're so unattractive. But if someone doesn't reply, you're like, oh, they must be busy. Right. So we make excuses for the fundamentals, but we over amplify Icks, which is a really weird thing in our mind.

[Radha Devlukia]

Yeah.

[Jay Shetty]

Why do we do that? Right?

[Radha Devlukia]

Yeah, it's so true.

[Jay Shetty]

It's such an interesting thing. Like, I feel like so many people are like, I just can't deal with the fact that he wears, you know, ankle socks or whatever it is. And it's like, well, wait a minute, that guy replies to every message.

[Radha Devlukia]

Exactly.

[Jay Shetty]

That guy shows up when he says he's gonna show up. But the guy who's really attractive doesn't show up on time, doesn't message you back. But even though he has all of that, you don't care.

[Radha Devlukia]

No.

[Jay Shetty]

Why do we do that? Why do we justify people's bad behavior? I ultimately think it's because when you're attracted to someone, when you're into someone, you will justify anything they do because you're just so excited about the fact that that person might be into you. If someone shows you attention, if someone cares about you, but if someone is someone that you don't find that attractive isn't your type, even if they're like the kindest and nicest person, you don't care.

[Radha Devlukia]

I was actually reading something. Was it this morning? It came up on my Instagram that when you end up being a little bit obsess with someone, your actual physiology in your mind changes so that even the things that you would normally find unattractive, you find attractive in them. Especially if it's in a toxic relationship. When it's a toxic relationship where things are up and down, apparently the hormones in your body, the chemicals in your mind, end up finding even the things that are absolutely grotesque, your body. Actually, even if the person has bad breath, you don't smell the bad breath.

[Jay Shetty]

Wow.

[Radha Devlukia]

Even if the person you get used to even their smell and the way that they speak and everything that you normally find disgusting in someone else that other people may even notice you don't. That's why it's so funny. You know when you end up seeing someone that your friends dated and you're like, how in the world, Especially if they weren't a good person, and then you see maybe physically they don't match either. It's like that shallow hell effect.

[Jay Shetty]

Yeah.

[Radha Devlukia]

Where the person is literally seeing a completely different version to the person that they actually are.

[Jay Shetty]

That's fascinating. That is so, so true as well. So true. All right, I want to go through the list of the top five icks men have about women. Number one.

[Radha Devlukia]

Wait, can I say one more thing? It's like, for example, I remember I really disliked smoking when I was growing up. But then I remember thinking this guy at my college was really attractive, and. But he was a smoker. And at that point, I was like, oh, wow. I actually really like the smell of. I was around the smell of smoke so much, I ended up thinking I liked the smell of smoke, even though I absolutely dismissed spy smoking. And my friends have said the same thing when they've dated people who drink alcohol or when they've dated people who smoke weed they absolutely hate it would never do it themselves. But because they were obsessed with that person or thought that person was attracted, suddenly what they do becomes attractive.

[Jay Shetty]

That's why it's so important.

[Radha Devlukia]

Isn't that so interesting?

[Jay Shetty]

Yeah. And that's why it's so important to choose someone in your life that actually has the habits and things you want. Because you're going to be influenced. You're going to be impacted, even if you don't want to.

[Radha Devlukia]

No, I didn't want to do it. I just. My mind shifted towards if you would.

[Jay Shetty]

Have stayed with that person or got with them or whatever, that slowly would become your lifestyle.

[Radha Devlukia]

Yeah, maybe. So interesting.

[Jay Shetty]

Yeah.

[Radha Devlukia]

The fact that your mind can shift something you really don't like just because someone that you like does it.

[Jay Shetty]

Yeah.

[Radha Devlukia]

Opposite of icks.

[Jay Shetty]

Top five icks men commonly have about women. Number one, overly superficial behavior. Talking only about appearances, name dropping, or obsessing over social media and selfies. Yeah, I. Yeah, it's frustrating.

[Radha Devlukia]

I love a good selfie.

[Jay Shetty]

I know you do. I am your Instagram husband and I never get a photo credit, ever.

[Radha Devlukia]

You don't. If you. Once you're married, you don't need photo cred.

[Jay Shetty]

Why?

[Radha Devlukia]

It's just part of the relationship.

[Jay Shetty]

Right. Okay. Yeah, that's an ick. And number two, playing mind games, being intentionally vague, manipulative, or using passive aggressive tax.

[Radha Devlukia]

A fundamental problem. Yeah, that's not an ick. I feel like that's a fundamental issue.

[Jay Shetty]

Yeah. Number three, entitlement or materialism. Expecting to be spoiled without reciprocation, or judging people based on money, status or possession.

[Radha Devlukia]

Some guys like that, to be honest.

[Jay Shetty]

Yeah. Because some relationships like that, because then it becomes an easy way of showing status or an easy way of showing prowess. I don't love that, though.

[Radha Devlukia]

Yeah, me neither.

[Jay Shetty]

I'm a fan of that. Number four, being overly dramatic or constantly negative.

[Radha Devlukia]

Oh, my God.

[Jay Shetty]

That's exactly it. I struggled with that a lot. I felt like I dated a lot of people who were like that all the time. Really, really small things. And I felt like I'd constantly guess what their mood was going to be. And that is not an ick. It's a big fundamental. But it was really challenging to feel as a teenager, to feel you had to be the emotional regulator.

[Radha Devlukia]

Right.

[Jay Shetty]

Someone else's emotion.

[Radha Devlukia]

No. Too much.

[Jay Shetty]

Too much baggage, which is really, really hard. And there's a difference between being patient, being compassionate, being kind, and then literally someone asking you to be their emotional regulator. And then. Yeah. Fifth. And finally, lack of accountability. Blaming others forever. Everything. Never admitting when they're wrong. Or constantly playing the victim.

[Radha Devlukia]

These are all like serious eggs.

[Jay Shetty]

Yeah. It's quite a strong list, actually. Yeah. Because the guy with the list comes up with much easier.

[Radha Devlukia]

Can you pull up some guy with the list stuff? Just.

[Jay Shetty]

Yeah, let's do it. Let's do this. Let's do it. Guy with the list. We love you.

[Radha Devlukia]

We love you.

[Jay Shetty]

Don't send her an Instagram reel.

[Radha Devlukia]

That's it.

[Podcast Announcer]

Yeah.

[Radha Devlukia]

Okay. Next.

[Guest Speaker 3]

You know when you go to an event and you leave early? Like, I will never understand those sort of people. Like, you've literally paid money to spend an hour or two of your life to go and watch this event, but you would rather leave 20 minutes early or 10 minutes early to beat the traffic. What else is that urgent that you need to get home for rather than the thing that you paid to go and see? Like, that will baffles me. Just to what? Beat the true.

[Jay Shetty]

That's you.

[Radha Devlukia]

That's me.

[Jay Shetty]

You are that. She has a nick with you.

[Radha Devlukia]

Yeah.

[Jay Shetty]

Oh, there. A lot of these are visuals, I'm sorry to say.

[Radha Devlukia]

If you're a man and you have.

[Guest Speaker 2]

An iPad, take it back.

[Jay Shetty]

Ick. Ick.

[Radha Devlukia]

An iPad. It's so icky. Like, Azaba. Why do you have an iPad?

[Jay Shetty]

Go get a MacBook. Or just use your phone.

[Radha Devlukia]

Yeah. You know what if a guy's got an iPad mini. No. A little iPad mini that could fit in one hand.

[Jay Shetty]

What do you mean?

[Radha Devlukia]

Nah, there's something about it.

[Jay Shetty]

They're cheaper than the bigger iPad.

[Radha Devlukia]

Oh, no Mini. Anything. Like in the, like, you know, like a small phone.

[Guest Speaker 1]

I've just unlocked a new.

[Ad Voice]

Ick.

[Radha Devlukia]

Tell me why.

[Guest Speaker 1]

I was just at the dog park and I met the cutest guy. He had the sweetest little dog. But in the middle of our conversation, he started screaming his dog's name, calling him five, 10 times. And I don't know why, but in that moment, he just became so unattractive to me.

[Radha Devlukia]

Oh. Like, I just.

[Guest Speaker 1]

I. I got my dog and I left.

[Radha Devlukia]

These girls are amazing.

[Jay Shetty]

Don't scream at your dog in the dog park. Hilarious. No wonder everyone's single.

[Radha Devlukia]

It's rough out there.

[Guest Speaker 2]

Worst text to send a girl the morning text. Good morning, sweetheart. How are you doing? Hope you slept well. You're basically saying you're a sin. That text is not masculine. That is not a good text. It shows needy. It just shows that, like, oh, I was thinking about you and I was hoping your morning was going well. That's not what you want to come across as. Always, always remember, texting is only to Set up the date. Men fall into the this trap of sending good morning texts. Sending texts like, hey, how was your week? And wanting to talk and have these big elaborate conversation over text. But what happens is you fall into friend zone or you become her penpath.

[Radha Devlukia]

No morning texts.

[Jay Shetty]

Wow, it's rough out there for guys.

[Radha Devlukia]

That's a lot.

[Jay Shetty]

Well, that's a lot. I think the takeaway is know the difference between X and fundamentals. Don't overvalue icks and undervalue fundamentals. And ultimately, we all have icks.

[Radha Devlukia]

We all have icks.

[Jay Shetty]

Even the person you marry, you'll have icks with. And you can still love each other.

[Radha Devlukia]

Yeah, you can. Thank you all so much for watching. This was a lovely little funny episode, wasn't it?

[Jay Shetty]

It was spontaneous.

[Radha Devlukia]

Yeah, I love it. We love a good ick. We do, don't we?

[Jay Shetty]

Hey, everyone, if you love that conversation, go and check out my episode with the world's leading therapist, Lori Gottlieb, where she answers the biggest questions that people ask in therapy when it comes to love, relationships, heartbreak and dating. If you're trying to figure out that space right now, you won't want to miss this conversation.

[Guest Speaker 1]

If it's a romantic relationship, hold hands. It's really hard to argue. It actually calms your nervous systems. Just hold hands as you're having the conversation. It's so lovely.

[Radha Devlukia]

Lovely.

[Jay Shetty]

This episode of On Purpose is brought to you by Chase Sapphire Reserve. I believe that travel is one of the greatest gifts that we've ever been given, and Chase Sapphire Reserve has been my gateway to the world's most captivating destinations. When I use my Chase Sapphire Reserve card, I get eight times the points on all the purchases I make through Chase Travel and even access to one of a kind experiences. Experiences like music festivals and sporting events. And that's not even mentioning how the card gets me into the Sapphire Lounge by the club. At select airports nationwide. Travel is more rewarding with Chase Sapphire Reserve. Trust me. Discover [e-mail] Sapphire Reserve cards issued by JP Morgan, Chase Bank NA member FDIC subject to credit approval terms apply.

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[Jay Shetty]

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[Radha Devlukia]

This is an iHeart podcast.