Episode Overview

Podcast: On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Episode: Jay & Radhi Talk About Icks vs. Red Flags (How to ACTUALLY Know the Difference)
Date: November 22, 2025
Theme:
Jay Shetty and Radhi Devlukia dig into the concept of “icks”—those small but instant turn-offs in dating and relationships—and discuss how to differentiate between harmless quirks and actual red flags. The duo explores the origins of "icks," shares their own relationship stories, highlights common icks from both genders, and ultimately reflects on how much weight we should give to icks compared to true incompatibilities.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. What is an “Ick”?

• Definition:
  • Jay explains the "ick" as “a sudden turn off or something that instantly kills attraction. These aren’t always rational, and they can vary culturally and individually” (03:25).
• Origins:
  • The concept wasn’t labeled as “ick” early in their relationship; it’s a modern term for an old experience (03:20–03:25).

2. Personal Experiences with Icks

• Radhi Admits:
  • She’s always felt icks, even about Jay at times (04:05).
  • “But icks doesn’t mean that you don’t love someone. Ick just means you’re like, ‘Oh, maybe don’t do that around me’” – Radhi (04:15).
• Jay’s Icks about Radhi:
  • Jay confesses being late is a “massive ick” for him (08:18).

3. Funny and Ridiculous Real-Life Icks

Jay and Radhi, with playful banter, read and rate various funny icks gathered from friends and online, highlighting how arbitrary some can be:

• Using an indicator in the car isn’t “masculine enough” (05:27).
• Crying husbands (05:37).
• Running after a receipt in the wind, limply holding an umbrella, running with a bouncing backpack, struggling out of a beanbag chair, getting carsick, and “panty liner socks” (06:08–07:08).
• “When you wear socks and sandals, it really upsets me…” – Radhi, offering a solution of shoe shopping together (13:16).

4. Difference Between Harmless Icks and Serious Red Flags

• Radhi: "An ick to me is something that's not a serious problem. An ick to me is something silly your mind is fixated on, but you know, there is a bit of humor to it" (24:48).
• Jay: “Usually we overvalue an ick and we undervalue a fundamental red flag… If someone runs with their backpack bouncing, we think, oh my gosh, they're so unattractive. But if someone doesn't reply, you're like, oh, they must be busy. Right?” (25:31).
• Radhi: Fundamental issues—like poor communication—aren't icks, they're security issues in a relationship (24:48).

5. Can You Get Over an Ick?

• Radhi: "The more you like someone, the less you'll find—the more you'll find the ick cuter. However, there are just some things that the other person's going to have to just stop doing..." (12:52).

6. The Role of Attraction & Psychology

• Jay and Radhi discuss how chemistry and infatuation can make us overlook serious red flags or even find icks endearing.
• Radhi references studies suggesting “...your mind changes so even the things you would normally find unattractive, you find attractive in them,” especially in tumultuous relationships (26:46).
• Example: Radhi used to dislike smoking, but became desensitized when attracted to a smoker (27:55).

7. Top Icks by Gender

Women’s Top Icks About Men (16:44):

• Lack of hygiene or grooming
• Overconfidence or cockiness
• Immaturity or childish behavior
• Poor communication
• Obsessing over celebrities

Men’s Top Icks About Women (28:56):

• Overly superficial behavior (appearance, selfies)
• Playing mind games
• Entitlement or materialism
• Being overly dramatic or constantly negative
• Lack of accountability

8. Cultural & Social Commentary on Icks

• Jay notes that sometimes icks are convenient excuses to end or avoid relationships: “It’s an easy reason, a scapegoat to justify why you don’t want to be with someone” (15:31).
• Radhi calls out the modern social media trend of fixating on superficial qualities while overlooking more consequential issues (25:54).

9. How to Communicate About Icks

• The duo recommends honesty and humor when addressing icks:
  • "I really like you as a person, but when you wear socks and sandals, it really upsets me because I enjoy fashion. But I would love to go shoe shopping with you" – Radhi (13:21).

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

“But icks doesn’t mean that you don’t love someone. Ick just means you’re like, ‘Oh, maybe don’t do that around me.’”
– Radhi (04:15)

“Everyone is gonna have something that gives you the ick… You’re not dating the ick, you date a person.”
– Jay (14:47)

“Usually we overvalue an ick and we undervalue a fundamental red flag.”
– Jay (25:31)

“If something really affects you, you should know it’s less likely to change than more likely, especially if it’s something conditioned and deeply a part of their life… The two questions you have to ask are: why does this trigger me so much, and am I okay if this never changes?”
– Jay (19:49)

“Don’t overvalue icks and undervalue fundamentals.”
– Jay (33:11)

Memorable Banter:

• Radhi teasing Jay over his “baby voice” with his family (07:35).
• The couple laughing over the “panty liner socks” and “mini iPads” as dealbreakers (07:04, 31:42).
• Reading out absurd icks from friends and online sources—like men holding the car bar when Radhi is driving, or leaving events early to beat traffic (06:41, 31:01).

Timestamps for Important Segments

| Timestamp | Segment | Details | |-----------|----------------------------------------------|----------------------------------------------------------| | 03:25 | Defining the ick | Jay breaks down what an ick is | | 05:27 | Real-life examples from friends | Discussion of arbitrary/funny icks | | 07:35 | Radhi’s personal ick about Jay | “Baby voice” moment | | 09:00 | How seriously should we take icks? | Discussion on the importance (or not) of icks | | 11:14 | Poor grammar and air guitar | Icks go beyond fashion and hygiene | | 12:52 | Can you get over an ick? | The role of affection in changing perception | | 13:21 | How to communicate an ick honestly | Sample conversation | | 14:47 | Not dating the ick, you date the person | Focusing on fundamentals | | 16:44 | Top five icks women have about men | Hygiene, arrogance, immaturity, etc. | | 19:49 | Are icks fixable or fundamental? | Jay’s questions to consider | | 24:48 | “Ick” vs. Relationship Security Issue | Red flags vs. quirks | | 25:31 | Overvaluing icks, undervaluing red flags | Major pattern in dating culture | | 26:46 | Infatuation distorts sense of icks | Radhi’s psychology observation | | 28:56 | Top five icks men have about women | Superficiality, entitlement, drama, accountability | | 31:01 | More real-life listener icks | Leaving events early, men with iPads, etc. | | 33:11 | Key takeaway | Don’t overvalue icks |

Takeaways

- Understand what an ick really is:

Harmless quirks are normal and somewhat humorous. Learn to distinguish them from real compatibility issues.

- Don't use icks as scapegoats:

If you're not attracted to someone, be honest rather than blaming superficial quirks.

- Communication matters:

If something persistently bothers you, address it kindly and constructively.

- Attraction can blind us to both red flags and icks:

Check in with yourself about what truly matters long-term.

“If something really affects you, you should know it’s less likely to change…”

Final Thoughts

Jay and Radhi’s conversation, filled with laughter and relatable anecdotes, offers a refreshing reminder: we all have “icks,” but it’s important to separate harmless quirks from deal-breaking red flags. Sometimes, we fixate on the wrong things—overlooking true incompatibilities for the sake of chemistry or using silly reasons to end promising connections. Know yourself, be honest with your partner, and don’t sweat the small stuff if the fundamentals are in place.

For more on relationship dynamics, Jay recommends his episode with Lori Gottlieb on love and therapy.