On Purpose with Jay Shetty

Episode: Jay & Radhi Talk About the Pressure and Expectations Around Parenthood
Date: November 1, 2025
Host: Jay Shetty (with co-host/wife Radhi)
Podcast: On Purpose with Jay Shetty, iHeartPodcasts

Overview

In this thoughtful and vulnerable conversation, Jay Shetty and Radhi tackle the sensitive and often overwhelming topic of parenthood. They explore the societal pressure and personal expectations surrounding decisions about having children. The couple discusses biological, emotional, financial, and cultural dimensions – especially focusing on the experience for women, addressing stigmas, and sharing relevant statistics. Their candid reflections are accompanied by personal anecdotes, quotes from public figures, and practical advice for navigating societal expectations. The tone is warm, sincere, and non-judgmental, aiming to help listeners feel heard, less alone, and empowered in their choices around parenthood.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Social Script and Assumptions About Parenthood

• People often assume everyone wants (and can) have children.
• Asking "When are you having kids?" is widespread, especially from family and community, but can be deeply insensitive.
  • Radhi: "When you ask the question, when are you having kids, it's an assumption that people want kids, that people can conceive and have kids." (05:44)
• People rarely ask, "Do you want kids?"

Cultural Pressure on Women

• Women face heightened expectations, both from biology ("body clock") and social messaging.
• Az/Jay: "Especially the aunties out there, they just really like knowing. For some reason, they want to know what's happening." (02:29)
• Social media skews perceptions—everyone’s “on track” but you, even if that's not true. (04:37)

2. The Biological and Psychological Realities

• The reality of women's biological clock vs. societal trends:
  • Women are having children later in life.
  • Radhi: "Women born in 2007 are projected to have their first child by age 35 versus 31 for their mothers... and girls born in 2025 may not reach that milestone until 36." (04:24)
• Uncertainty, pressure, and fear about timing.
• Jay: “Do I know how my life is going to change? And am I ready to embrace that change?” (02:06, expanded in 11:33)

3. Emotional Triggers & Sensitivities

• Questions about children can be painful for those experiencing infertility, miscarriage, or financial difficulty.
• Az/Jay: “It can end up triggering something so deeply.” (01:59)
• Awareness of miscarriage and infertility is increasing—one in five women. (06:37)
• “People go through different phases in their life where they really want children, and then they're not sure, and then they're trying to figure themselves out and feel like it's not the right time.” (07:37)

4. The Myth of the “Right Time” & The Reality of Change

• There’s rarely a perfect time to have a child.
• Jay: "Do I know how my life will change when I have a child? And am I ready to embrace that change—even if I can’t plan for every detail?" (11:33)
• Major relationship stress can follow childbirth, especially for men (feeling neglected; statistical increase in infidelity).
  • "Most men feel after their partner gives birth that they feel unloved, they feel like a second priority, and they feel unthought about. And that's also why the trend showed that more men are likely to cheat at that time." (11:47)

5. Alternative Purposes and Definitions of Motherhood/Parenthood

• You can be “maternal” or “paternal” in ways beyond having biological children.
  • Az: “Motherhood is not the only way to mother. You can mother a movement, a garden, a dream or a community.” (14:43)
  • Reference to spiritual leaders who nurture many without being biological parents.

6. Individual and Social Fears Around Parenting

• Concerns about bringing children into a volatile world: social media, mental health, safety, etc. (16:16)
• Some choose not to have kids due to worries about the state of the world or the desire to “save a child from pain.”

7. Changing Norms Around Age and Family Structure

• Today's "normal" about when to have children is itself constantly evolving.
  • Radhi: "What is normal changes every 25 years..." (18:01)
  • Social friction arises from these unpredictable shifts.

8. Financial Barriers & Economic Anxiety

• Cost is a major factor; raising a child to 18 can surpass $300k (excluding college).
  • Radhi: “I actually read that for someone to raise their child from age 0 to 18 is going to cost anywhere between $233,000 to $310,000. And by the way, that doesn't include college.” (19:17)
• Many delay or avoid parenthood due to financial insecurity.
• Economic pressure adds another layer of guilt and stress to the social question, "When are you having kids?" (18:43, 20:18)

9. Why People Ask - Cultural and Personal Motives

• Sometimes it’s just habit or lack of other topics.
  • Az: “I also think sometimes people ask because they don't know what else do to, to ask about people's life.” (21:00)

10. Work, Career, and Motherhood

• Major career and economic implications for women considering parenthood.
• Maternity leave varies, not all organizations supportive.
  • Az: "...I would want to look after the child fully... So that comes with a lot... I would have to stop doing a lot of the things that I am doing." (36:10)
• Sacrifice and prioritization are required; being realistic about what’s possible helps with the mental load.

11. Relationship Dynamics & The “Fix-It Baby” Myth

• Having a child does not “fix” a struggling relationship; it may add stress and, in cases, lead to divorce.
  • Radhi: "That was the advice that so many of my friends got... They were struggling in their relationships, which was like, have a kid, it will solve it. And it actually did the opposite. Those people ended up becoming...getting divorced." (31:11)
• A child creates a 'tie,' not necessarily true emotional connection, between partners. (32:04)

12. Broader Definitions of Success and Happiness

• Critique of the assumption that parenthood is the essential route to fulfillment or societal “success.”
  • Reference: Tracee Ellis Ross on rejecting societal scripts (27:26)
  • Radhi quoting Ross: “I do not believe that my life is unworthy because I don't have children. I do not believe that my life is unworthy because I don't have a partner. I mother all over the place.” (27:26)
• Happiness has no single timeline or formula, and “nuclear” family images are just social constructs.
• Importance of being true to your own timeline and values, not society’s.
  • "We don't want to live a life ticking society's boxes or expectations because we end up letting ourselves down, we end up letting society down and we'll end up letting our child down." (39:27)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Jay: “Do I know how my life will change when I have a child? And am I ready to embrace that change?” (02:06, 11:33)
• Radhi: “When you ask the question, ‘When are you having kids?’, it’s often an assumption that people want kids, can have kids, and are excited about that. That’s not always the case.” (05:44)
• Az: "Motherhood is not the only way to mother. You can mother a movement, a garden, a dream or a community." (14:43)
• Radhi (quoting Tracee Ellis Ross): "I do not believe that my life is unworthy because I don't have children... I mother all over the place." (27:26)
• Jay: “It's better to be able to react and adapt and be flexible than it is to think I'm going to get everything perfect and avoid all the stuff.” (33:58)
• Radhi: “We don't want to live a life ticking society's boxes... Ultimately, whether you choose to have children or not, life can be fulfilling, complete, and beautiful.” (39:27)
• Az: "There is no benefit of asking that question because if they know, they would have already told you and if they don't know, you're making them anxious in some way. So actually zero benefit in asking." (22:20)

Relevant Statistics Shared

• Projected average age for first-time mothers:
  • Born in 2007: age 35 (mothers: 31), 2025 cohort: likely 36. (04:24)
• 1 in 5 women will experience miscarriage. (06:37)
• 36% of adults under 50 without kids delay parenthood due to affordability concerns. (18:43)
• 66% of parents feel consumed by money worries vs. 39% of non-parents. (18:43)
• Estimated cost of raising a child to 18: $233,000–$310,000 (not including college). (19:17)

Timestamps for Key Segments

• 01:40 – The competing cultural messages: "I do not want kids" / "Being a mom is amazing"
• 02:10 – Addressing the biological clock and pressure, especially for women
• 04:24 – Statistics: Rise in age of first-time mothers; normalizing delayed parenthood
• 05:44 – Highlighting the assumption and insensitivity embedded in "When are you having kids?"
• 06:37 – Infertility, miscarriage, public scrutiny, and microaggressions about pregnancy
• 11:33 – The deeper questions: “Am I ready for how life will change?”
• 14:43 – Expanding the definition of motherhood
• 18:01 – Changing social norms on the 'right' age for parenting
• 18:43 – Financial anxieties as a primary barrier to parenthood, with stats
• 21:00 – Exploring why people persistently ask about children; cultural context
• 31:11 – Why having a baby won’t “save” a relationship, with real examples
• 36:10 – Career impacts, sacrifice, and prioritizing as a parent (especially for women)
• 39:27 – Final thoughts: Ignoring societal boxes for true fulfillment

Final Takeaways

• It’s crucial to be sensitive before asking others about their plans for children.
• There is no universal “right time” or “right way” to become a parent (or not).
• Economic and personal readiness are valid considerations; societal expectations rarely align with personal reality.
• Fulfillment and purpose come in many forms—not exclusively through parenthood.
• Prioritizing honest conversations and self-awareness can help reduce unnecessary pressure and foster genuine happiness, no matter your path.

(All segments and quotes are attributed and timestamped, reflecting the candid, empathetic style of Jay Shetty and Radhi throughout the episode.)