Jays Must Listens: You’re Approaching Dating Wrong! (Use THIS Blueprint to Attract the RIGHT Person) Ft. Vanessa Van Edwards & Jillian Turecki

Summary

Podcast Summary: "You’re Approaching Dating Wrong! (Use THIS Blueprint to Attract the RIGHT Person)"

On Purpose with Jay Shetty — November 5, 2025

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Episode Overview

In this masterclass-style episode, Jay Shetty brings together four relationship experts—Vanessa Van Edwards, Jillian Tureki, Saadia Khan, and Laurie Gottlieb—to unravel common dating misconceptions and uncover science-backed strategies for meaningful connection. Through candid conversations and practical frameworks, they reveal why “attracting the right person” begins with authenticity, intentionality, and self-awareness.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Science of Attraction & Body Language Cues

Guest: Vanessa Van Edwards (Body Language Specialist)

• Signal Amplification Bias: Most people drastically overestimate how clear their flirtatious signals are.
  • Notable Quote: “We tend to think we are over obvious with our cues... The other person has no idea.” – Vanessa ([01:47])
• Flirtation Signals: Research shows it takes an average of 29 signals in 10 minutes for a woman to be noticed as interested—far beyond most expectations.
• Attractiveness vs. Availability:
  • Attractive people who don’t signal availability are often approached less than less conventionally attractive people who signal clearly.
  • Key Insight: “Availability actually makes you more attractive… body language signals of availability.” – Vanessa ([04:00])
• Demonstrating Interest:
  • Flirty glances: Side or down-and-up glances (think “Marilyn Monroe” gaze), repeated with small smiles or self-touch gestures (e.g., playing with hair or necklace).
  • Scent & pheromones: Non-verbal cues like self-touch can release natural scents, playing a crucial role in chemistry.
  • Practical Tip: The simple, low-pressure “Hey” as a direct but relaxed opener. Depth and relaxation in tone (lower pitch) signals confidence ([07:11]).
• Confidence Over Perfection:
  • “Confidence and availability beats attractiveness every time... even a casual ‘hey’ can lead to big results.” – Podcast Host ([09:23])

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2. Biggest Mistakes in Modern Dating

Guest: Jillian Tureki (Relationship & Love Expert)

• Limiting Dating to Apps: Relying solely on dating apps burns people out and narrows opportunities for real connection.
  • “It's not every day that you meet someone who you want to build a relationship with... you have to get out there. You have to be proactive.” – Jillian ([11:47])
• Impatience and Unrealistic Expectations: Expecting instant chemistry or “the one” right away leads to disappointment and learned helplessness.
• False Intimacy via Texting: Prolonged texting before meeting creates a false sense of connection—actual chemistry is only revealed in person ([14:08]).
  • Advice: “Text a little bit back and forth, like a day, and make a date to either meet on FaceTime, Zoom, or in person.”
• Fear of Rejection:
  • Two types: Fear of being rejected, and fear of rejecting others.
  • “Quality of our lives is determined by how well we can confront rejection.” – Jillian ([16:37])
  • Building resilience to rejection is attractive and crucial.
• Slowing Down Love:
  • “There is no ‘the one.’ We choose... Love is a choice, not just a feeling.” – Jillian ([19:03])
  • Rushing commitment often masks a lack of self-clarity and increases risk of long-term incompatibility.
• The Biggest Relationship Decision:
  • “Who you decide to partner with is one of the most important decisions you will ever make in your entire life.” – Jillian ([21:51])
  • “The pain of being single is a lot better than the pain of being in the wrong relationship.” – Jay Shetty ([22:46])

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3. Self-Esteem & Who You Entertain

Guest: Saadia Khan (Relationship Coach)

• Attraction vs. Entertainment:
  • “It's not what we attract, it's what we entertain.” – Saadia ([25:01])
  • Self-fulfilling prophecies (low self-esteem leads to normalizing unhealthy patterns).
• Unavailability & Anxious Attachment:
  • People who make us anxious or seem mysterious are often emotionally immature, not “special”.
  • “When you realize that it's actually a signal of emotional immaturity... we actually won't be so attracted to that person who can't communicate in a healthy way.” – Saadia ([26:15])
• Matching & Standards:
  • Many miss connection by dismissing matches who don’t fit an idealized “algorithm”—instead, check if those who like you align in values and maturity ([28:05]).
  • “If similarity feels like settling, then maybe your standards are too high... what you’re bringing to the table and what you’re receiving should match.” – Saadia ([29:32])
• Ghosting & Communication:
  • “Ghosters... are still poor communicators... the biggest reason is they're not great at communicating. So try and reduce your attraction to people who can't communicate well.” – Saadia ([31:08])

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4. Honesty, Vulnerability, and Being Present

Guest: Laurie Gottlieb (Therapist & Author)

• Asking For What You Want:
  • "Being honest about what you want isn't needy, it's brave." ([32:59])
  • Playing it cool or hiding your truth leads to future pain or misrepresentation.
  • “If you can't practice [honesty] at any point in the relationship, you're not ready to be together for the long term.” – Laurie ([33:01])
• 'Future Tripping': Over-Planning & Missing the Present:
  • “What's happening now is what it's going to look like in the future... How does this person treat me now? That's your predictor.” – Laurie ([35:41])
  • Relationships should be tested by how you handle disagreements and ‘rupture and repair’.
• Real Chemistry Comes from Growth and Repair:
  • "Stop the pretending. Be yourself. Be what you want your future to look like." ([37:00])
  • If you cannot discuss the future openly, the future only exists in your head, not in the relationship ([38:13]).

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Memorable Quotes & Moments (with Timestamps)

• On Flirtation Signals:
  • “It took 29 signals in 10 minutes to get approached.” – Vanessa Van Edwards ([03:04])
• On Availability Beating Attractiveness:
  • “Attractive women who don't signal enough won't be approached.” – Vanessa Van Edwards ([03:37])
• On Owning Your Confidence:
  • “The most important word you can say really is ‘hey.’ That’s it. You just signaled your confidence.” – Vanessa ([08:01])
• On Resilience in Dating:
  • “The quality of our lives is very much determined by how well we can confront rejection... You have to build that resilience.” – Jillian Tureki ([16:37])
• On Commitment and Values:
  • “Who you decide to partner with is one of the most important decisions you will ever make.” – Jillian Tureki ([21:51])
• On Standards:
  • “If similarity feels like settling, then maybe your standards are too high.” – Saadia Khan ([29:32])
• On Practicing Honesty Early:
  • “If you can't practice that at any point in the relationship, you're not ready to be together for the long term.” – Laurie Gottlieb ([33:01])
• On Rupture and Repair:
  • “If you have been dating for six months and you haven’t had a rupture, you’re not going deep enough... how you repair is your future.” – Laurie Gottlieb ([35:41])
• On Your Needs and Worthiness:
  • “Your needs in dating are valid. Your truth is enough. And your growth will either deepen the connection or free you for something better.” – Jay Shetty ([38:21])

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Timestamps for Major Segments

• Intro & Signal Amplification bias: [00:54] – [03:36]
• Demonstrating Availability—Cues & "Hey": [04:00] – [09:23]
• Jillian Tureki on Dating Mistakes and Resilience: [11:47] – [22:51]
• Saadia Khan on Entertainment vs. Attraction, Ghosting, Standards: [25:01] – [31:55]
• Laurie Gottlieb on Honesty, Future-tripping, Repair: [33:01] – [38:13]
• Final Takeaways: [38:13] – [39:26]

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Final Takeaways

• You don’t have to be flawless—just clear, confident, and intentional in showing interest.
• Body language and availability signal more than conventional attractiveness.
• Real intimacy grows after honest, in-person interaction and facing vulnerability, not endless texting or algorithm chasing.
• Who you entertain matters more than who you attract—self-esteem rules your choices.
• Rejecting and being rejected are both part of the process—resilience is essential.
• Honesty about your needs and vision isn’t ‘needy,’ it’s the foundation for genuine connection and healthy boundaries.
• If your standards make similarity feel like ‘settling,’ it may be time to reassess and work on self-worth.
• Love isn’t found, it’s created—by showing up with courage for yourself and others.

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This episode is a practical toolkit for anyone tired of dating frustration, providing scientific insights, expert wisdom, and grounded strategies to transform how you approach—and build—connection.

Transcript

[Saadia Khan]

This is an iHeart podcast.

[Podcast Host]

What if you've been approaching dating all wrong? Maybe you've put yourself out there, but nothing clicks or you're still waiting for the right person. Over half of singles today are open to love, yet more than 60% feel burned out by ABS. The truth is, finding love isn't about perfection. It's about showing up authentically, reading the right signals, and and attracting real connection. In this episode, we're joined by body language specialist Vanessa Van Edwards, love expert Jillian Teki, relationship coach Sadia Khan, and psychotherapist Laurie Gottlieb. A masterclass on attraction, chemistry, and building relationships that last. Let's get into it. The number one health and wellness podcast, Jay Shetty.

[Vanessa Van Edwards]

Jay Shetty.

[Saadia Khan]

The one, the only Jay Shetty.

[Podcast Host]

Social scientist Vanessa Van Edwards shifts our attention to the subtleties of connection, specifically the cues we give off in dating and attraction that often go unnoticed. She explains that we think we're obvious when we're interested, but research shows we're not. In fact, people recognize flirting only 28% of the time. And women often have to send multiple signals quickly just to be understood. Take a listen and stay tuned for the takeaway. Let's say you're at a workout class. Let's say you're at a social space. Maybe it is a rooftop bar. Maybe it is a club. Yes, you want to signal to someone to make a move. You want to let them know that you find them attractive, that you'd like them to do something. But you want to be subtle. You don't want to give it away. How do you let someone know that they should make a move without giving it away?

[Vanessa Van Edwards]

Okay, I'm gonna give you news that you're probably not gonna like, but it's so important. It's a phenomenon called signal amplification bias. What this is, it's very well studied that we tend to think we are over obvious with our cues. So if you're in a bar, they literally studied singles in a, like, bar, nightclub setting, women and men who think they are being obvious with their flirtation cues. The other person has no idea.

[Podcast Host]

Okay, that's so good.

[Vanessa Van Edwards]

They even count number of flirtation signals. This was incredible research. They observed singles mingling and they counted each person's flirtatious signals towards other people in the room. They found in 10 minutes, how many signals do you think it took for a woman to show a man she was interested? How many in 10 minutes, how many signals did she have to send when it actually worked, when it, when it actually Worked.

[Podcast Host]

Now that you've given me some sort of. I'm going to go 30, 29. Oh, okay, cool.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

That's it.

[Vanessa Van Edwards]

But do you know how many signals.

[Podcast Host]

That is in 10 minutes? That's a lot of signals.

[Vanessa Van Edwards]

That is. That is pretty constant.

[Podcast Host]

And if you didn't tell me, I probably would have guessed three.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

Right.

[Podcast Host]

It was only because you gave me a sense that there was more. I probably would have said 3. 7.

[Vanessa Van Edwards]

That is what women think is. It was needed. I sent three flirty glances and he just didn't come over. He's not interested.

[Saadia Khan]

No.

[Vanessa Van Edwards]

He didn't see him or he doubted himself or he was like, was that a trick of my eye? It took 29 signals in 10 minutes to get approached. So the other person went, oh, she's interested. Just interested. That was before the. Even the conversation started. So what are the flirty glances of availability? And this is what's most important is in the same group of studies, they found that attractive women, the most attractive women who are rated on their attractiveness got approached less than unattractive women who didn't signal enough.

[Podcast Host]

Fascinating.

[Vanessa Van Edwards]

So if you're an attractive woman and you don't signal enough, you won't be approached.

[Podcast Host]

Do you have to approach more based on how objectively attractive you are?

[Vanessa Van Edwards]

You have to be available more. So what they found, and this is. So it's ridiculous that we're rating on attractiveness, but it helps us understand that sometimes I think we use attractiveness as an excuse. I'm not pretty enough or I'm not this enough? No, actually, some unattractive women who signaled availability got approached more.

[Podcast Host]

Wow.

[Vanessa Van Edwards]

And so availability actually makes you more attractive when you think about your hair, your outfit, how you look, how you smell, all those things are great, but they will not work if you do not know the body language signals of availability. And you have to be super clear with them. So the very first one are flirty glances.

[Podcast Host]

Are you gonna. Are you gonna demonstrate?

[Vanessa Van Edwards]

Yeah, I'm gonna demo it for you. Okay. So flirty glances are typically they little gaze patterns is we sweep the room with our eyes, then we see someone we like.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

We.

[Podcast Host]

Oh, yeah. Nice little side glance.

[Vanessa Van Edwards]

Yeah, like very brief.

[Podcast Host]

It's a look back up.

[Vanessa Van Edwards]

It's a look back up.

[Podcast Host]

It's like you're looking around, but then look buff.

[Vanessa Van Edwards]

And it's a side look or a down and up look. The down and up look works really well because you're looking up through your lashes. That's a very. Think Marilyn Monroe. So if you want to look at the classic example of this. Every good photo of Marilyn Monroe, she has her chin tilted down and she's looking up through her eyes.

[Podcast Host]

Yes.

[Vanessa Van Edwards]

That is a look that we just like. We just like it. That's why we like it. So it's glancing around the room and then eye contact away, eye contact away. Then it's little smiles. So look and little smile. And by the way, remember, it took 29 of these. So we gotta get really comfortable with trying. And the nice thing is there's no pressure. If he doesn't return the glance, he doesn't return the glance.

[Saadia Khan]

Right.

[Vanessa Van Edwards]

So eye contact, smiles, self touch is also considered a flirty glance. So like, if I play with my hair or I play with my dress, that's a way of signaling our hair health. From an evolutionary perspective, it's like, look how healthy I am. My healthy long hair. I think it's one of the reasons why we tend to like long hair. Women will also, when they're flirting, they'll touch their neck, their lips, or their chin. This actually releases pheromones. So the reason why sometimes women will touch their neck or touch their lips is because they're actually trying to release their scent. And scent is very, very important. It's important in dating, but it's also important in friendships. For example, it's a little bit off the side of dating, but I just want to explain why smell is so important. I just read this study and I was like, what? They had women wear white T shirts with no deodorant, no nothing. So just their natural smell for 24 hours. They took these T shirts, they had other women smell these T shirts and rate the women on if they liked the smell. Okay, imagine you're opening a ziploc bag and you're smelling.

[Podcast Host]

This is a painful study.

[Vanessa Van Edwards]

I would have loved it.

[Jillian Tureki]

Okay.

[Vanessa Van Edwards]

I would have loved it. Sign me up.

[Podcast Host]

The researchers.

[Vanessa Van Edwards]

I'm there. So they had them smell the T shirts and they had them rate them on how much they liked the smell. Then they had all the women interact in person. They didn't know who was who. The smell they liked the best predicted who they liked the best in person.

[Podcast Host]

No way.

[Vanessa Van Edwards]

They actually found their people. There is something to it. So when you're self touching like that, it's because we're trying to release this natural smell of like, I'm gonna probably click with you, right?

[Podcast Host]

If you smell good.

[Vanessa Van Edwards]

If you smell good. And good is. Is subjective. Subjective. Like that's why I think why sometimes you're like, we're Just clicking. We like, like each other's smell, so. So being available also, like releasing pheromone self touch. And then this one is not from the research, but I'm gonna really encourage you to try it. I think the best way to show availability is one word, and it sounds like this.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

Hey.

[Podcast Host]

Just that, okay.

[Vanessa Van Edwards]

You walk to the bathroom, you walk to the bar, you walk by them.

[Saadia Khan]

Hey.

[Vanessa Van Edwards]

Just like that. Because look, by the way, this is for both men and women.

[Podcast Host]

Yeah.

[Vanessa Van Edwards]

Okay. Because life is too short to not hey.

[Podcast Host]

Yeah, right?

[Vanessa Van Edwards]

And there's no pressure. If you walk by someone in the gym, right? And you're like, hey. Even if they have their AirPods in, if they like you, they're gonna be like, hey, Right?

[Podcast Host]

Does it matter the tone of voice?

[Vanessa Van Edwards]

Because you say, no, it matters.

[Podcast Host]

Yeah, it does matter. If you go like, hey. It's not like, that was pretty good. Okay. All right.

[Vanessa Van Edwards]

Okay. So here, I'll do those.

[Podcast Host]

Trying to downplay it. That was good. That was good.

[Vanessa Van Edwards]

See, men. Men do good with a downward inflection. So, like, that down flex is good. So if it goes good, the guy's gonna be like, hey. If he did not into it, he's gonna be like, hey.

[Podcast Host]

Yeah, right.

[Vanessa Van Edwards]

No problem.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

Right?

[Jillian Tureki]

Like, cool.

[Saadia Khan]

Hey.

[Vanessa Van Edwards]

So it's like the most low pressure way when you're in the grocery store, when even, by the way, if someone has AirPods on, they're still gonna see you go. And they're gonna take out their ear pod and they're gonna be like, hey. So here's the difference, right? So I am using the lowest end of my natural tone. This is especially important for women. But everyone research finds that we decide how confident someone is within the first 200 milliseconds of hearing them speak. 200 milliseconds. That means the most important word you can say really is hey. That's it. You just signaled your comp. Your confidence, your confidence. Not confidence. It's specifically confidence. Okay, so what does that mean? We are listening for relaxation and breath in the vocal cords. So right now I'm working really hard to use the lowest end of my natural voice because I know that people are listening, and I want to keep them relaxed. When I get nervous, I tend to go a little higher in my vocal tone. I might get a little bit more vocal fry, and I might sound a little bit more like this. Now, if I were to do the entire interview in tone of voice, it would drive you crazy.

[Podcast Host]

Absolutely. 100% horrible.

[Vanessa Van Edwards]

Yeah, it's infectious. We catch it. We don't like to be around people where we could catch their anxiety. We don't want to catch their anxiety. They've even found that we match the voice resonance of the most important person in the room. So when they tested people, they found that they un subconsciously their resonance matched whoever's most important person in the room their own resonance.

[Podcast Host]

The key takeaway here is that confidence and availability beats attractiveness every time. People respond to signals of openness, not perfection. Mastering body language like flirty glances, leaning in, mirroring someone's energy can make a huge difference in who you attract. It just requires intentionality and lowering the stakes so that even a casual hey can lead to big results. Some moments in your life stay with you forever. In a special segment of On Purpose, I share a story about a book that changed my life early in my journey, and how I was able to find the exact same edition on ebay years later. There are certain books that don't just give you information, they shift the way you see the world. I remember reading one when I was younger that completely changed me. Years later, I found myself thinking about that book again. I wanted the same edition back. Not a reprint, not a different cover, that exact one. So I started searching and that's when I found it. On ebay. That's what I love about ebay. It's not just a marketplace, it's a place where stories live. Shop ebay for millions of finds, each with a story. EBay Things People Love Listen to On Purpose on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Up next, love expert Gillian Tureki. She shares the biggest dating mistakes people make and how to build resilience and clarity to find real connection. She reminds us dating isn't just about the one, but about learning who you are. While many expect instant sparks, true connection often grows slowly. And with 70% of people reporting they've been love bombed, moving too fast can sabotage something meaningful. And above all, choosing who to share your life with is one of the most important decisions you'll ever make. Don't rush it. What are the three biggest mistakes I'm making in dating right now? Like, what am I getting wrong about dating? That seems to be the top question.

[Jillian Tureki]

So there's a few things. One is it shouldn't just be the apps. I don't tell people get off the apps. Sometimes I say get on the apps. But if you just focus on that, that's going to burn you out and it's going to exhaust you and you're meeting A bunch of strangers. So that's like another mistake that people make is that they're impatient. It's not every day that you meet someone who you want to build a relationship with. Like, it's just not that easy. But you have to get out there. You have to be proactive. Look, there are people who are sitting around on their couch waiting for, like, that person to fall onto the couch next to them, and it's not going to happen that way. So you can either live your life to the fullest and enjoy your life and trust that one day organically, it may or may not happen. If you put yourself out there and you widen your circle, or you actually have to be proactive. And that might mean going on a, like, dating, like, it's your business. Like, going on a bunch of dates every single week with this low of an expectation as possible. Because one of the biggest mistakes that people make in dating, like, I have nothing but compassion and empathy for this. But you're texting with someone, you're kind of excited. You feel like there's a vibe, and then you go out and you're like, I don't feel spark or I'm not into it. And then there's this. People then get into learned helplessness. And when they go into learned helplessness, they're like, you know, it's the. Why me? This is never going to happen. It's this state that I am in is permanent. Like, I will never find anyone. No, dating is really an opportunity for you to practice your social skills. Social skills are things that most people are not that great at, Honestly, even the people who think that they're really great at it. It takes a lot to really talk to someone and not interview them and actually be curious about them.

[Saadia Khan]

You know, a lot of people are.

[Jillian Tureki]

Nervous, so practice breathing and being comfortable in your body and getting to know someone. And who knows, maybe you make a friend and maybe you never want to see that person again, but at least you're practicing. So the three biggest mistakes is just focusing on the apps and not actually expanding your circle and doing new things and letting certain things unfold organically. Number two, impatience. Number three, just sort of high expectations. But I want to add another one if I can.

[Podcast Host]

Please.

[Jillian Tureki]

People get into these very long. I mean, when I say long, like weeks. Texting exchanges with these people, and it gives them a false sense of intimacy. Oh, I have this amazing connection. They have never even met the person.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

And then maybe they never meet.

[Jillian Tureki]

Don't do that. Text a little bit back and forth Like a day and make a date to either meet on FaceTime, Zoom, or in person. You really should go about it as if your time is too precious to waste texting back and forth with a stranger who may not be available for a month. Yeah, for a month or more. And then you're getting all excited. I understand, like, the thrill of it. And it's all. It's exciting, but it's such a waste of time, honestly, you know, meet the person.

[Podcast Host]

As you were speaking, I was thinking about what's at the root of that for so many people. And one of the things that came to me was this fear of rejection. So even the idea of I'm talking to this person for a month is because I don't have to potentially face meeting someone and them never wanting to meet me again or the resistance that we have to make work and dating feel the same. I know so many people who'll cancel on dates last minute because they're scared of, well, what if I go and it doesn't work out?

[Vanessa Van Edwards]

Or.

[Podcast Host]

And rejection, by the way, is two types of rejection. One type of rejection is that person doesn't want me. And the other person type of rejection is that person doesn't meet my expectations. Or that person, I don't want to be with them.

[Jillian Tureki]

Yes.

[Podcast Host]

So I'm not just saying rejection in that we're scared of, well, what if that person doesn't like me? We're also scared of the, am I going to reject another person? Like you said, with the high expectations. What do we do about both of those types of our fear of rejection? Because let's take the more obvious one to start with. We all want to be loved. We want to be liked. We all want the next person to be the person.

[Jillian Tureki]

Yeah.

[Podcast Host]

Chances are that's not going to happen. We'd know that.

[Jillian Tureki]

Yeah.

[Podcast Host]

But still we struggle with the fact that I'm going to meet someone and they're going to say, well, you're not right for me, or, you know, I don't. Don't really want to see you again. Like, how do you get over that? Because we talk about it in entrepreneurship, we talk about it in life, but when you do it with love, it seems so personal.

[Jillian Tureki]

It's one thing to be rejected by the person you love. It's another thing to be rejected by a stranger who you don't know. This is just human nature. We go on dates, even if we're not into the person, we want them to be into us or. Right?

[Podcast Host]

Yes.

[Jillian Tureki]

Or like, we find them. Let's say we find them attractive, and then we find out, wait, you're not into me. You don't find me attractive? Yeah, but life, really, the quality of our lives is very much determined by how well we can confront rejection. Like, you're not gonna be for everyone. And I really believe this with all of my heart and sou soul. If someone is not into you for whatever reason, like, let's say you're in the early dating process, they're not attracted to you, they're not feeling a spark, whatever it is, they absolutely are not for you. I can guarantee that. So it's important to build that resilience against rejection muscle. First of all, it makes a person more attractive. Second of all, it's just part of life. And I know that it's like you're putting yourself out there, but I wish there was, like, a magic pill that I could give people to just get over it. But you have to become more resilient when it comes to that. You know, you can't be hiding behind texts and not actually meet the person. It sounds hard, but you have to be stronger than that. Honestly, you really, really do. And you have to just trust that, like, you're not for everyone and not everyone's for you. And, yes, it's awkward, and maybe we can just all acknowledge the awkwardness of it all, you know, but you still have to. If you want love and you want a relationship, you have to go for it. You can't just be passive.

[Podcast Host]

You're looking for one person to fall in love with you, and for you to fall in love with.

[Jillian Tureki]

Yes.

[Podcast Host]

And for that, you're going to have to meet a lot of people to find that one person. But all you need is one person to say yes, one person to say, I do, one person to say, I love you. And if you're only looking for one person, just by the nature of odds, you should know that that probably won't be the next person. So switching to that, you said one thing about kind of going in at the lowest baseline expectation, which I agree with, because then you're allowing it to become a friendship. You're allowing it to become a nothing ship.

[Jillian Tureki]

Yes.

[Podcast Host]

You're allowing it to become what it is.

[Jillian Tureki]

Yes.

[Podcast Host]

As opposed to us walking in and going, this next person's going to be my wife, my husband, whatever it may be, my partner. I think it's so natural for so many of us to want to speed up love. Like, speeding up love seems to be our addiction and obsession with I just want to meet the One, now that we're dating, I just want to get married now. You know, it's. We're trying to accelerate love almost. So how do we slow it down and how do we take it back.

[Jillian Tureki]

To baseline number one is there is no the one. There really isn't. I mean, we actually choose who the one is. And this is, this is really, really important. Love, as I'm sure you know, is a choice. Like, it's a feeling for sure. But we're so conditioned to believe that love is just a feeling as opposed to a choice. And that when, if you do decide to be with someone long term, you're going to have to make that choice many, many times throughout your relationship, which is, I choose you, right? So people want to rush it. And so what they do and what I've done is that we lie to ourselves. And it's also because we've been lied by society that there is in romanticism, that there is this one person who's going to come into your life and rescue you and make your life better. And that once you find that person, like, everything becomes easier. And I'm certainly not advocating for people being in difficult relationships, but the more challenges you've had in relationships, the less that you've been modeled what it is to actually really love someone, the more you are going to be challenged to overcome and transcend old things and old patterning. To actually love someone and to do love to where. Where it's a verb and not just a feeling. So how do we slow it down? And we just want to rush it. It's about acknowledging that feeling. So a lot of people, they meet, there's chemistry, and I know that this was me. I think if there's chemistry, then this is it. As opposed to, well, maybe in the past there's been chemistry and I haven't had chemistry with the right people. So maybe I need to slow down a little bit and sort of process my enthusiasm. And it's not about, I don't want anyone to. I don't want to rain on anyone'. Like, all that stuff is really fun in the beginning, but you want to just say, okay, hold on, what am I feeling right now? This feels really good. This is really exciting, but I need to slow down because I actually need to uncover this person's character. I need to uncover their values. I perhaps need to get a little bit clearer on what it is that I need, what it is that I value and what it is that I really, really want. Not just my preference, but what do I need in order to function in a relationship, do I have some understanding of, you know, it's difficult, women, childbearing age, societal pressures, get married. I understand. I have nothing but compassion for that. The more that I can stress that who you decide to partner with is one of the most important decisions you will ever make in your entire life. And we are meant to kind of get it wrong. And some of us get it wrong for a longer time than others.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

Right.

[Jillian Tureki]

But it is the most important decision. So if you're going to rush that, you're really, truly doing yourself a disservice. And you have to get comfortable with the fact that, yes, you're scared. You're scared to be alone, you're scared to not be loved, you don't want to be in the dating world. I get all of that. Be mindful of it. You know, connect to that within yourself and remind yourself always that who you decide to spend your life with might be one of the most important decisions, if not the most important decision, because there's no one in your life who's gonna have a bigger impact on your overall well being and emotional state than the person who you choose to spend your life with. So you've got to take that decision very seriously and not rush it.

[Podcast Host]

I have often said to friends, there's the pain of being single. There's pain, and there's the pain of being in the wrong relationship.

[Jillian Tureki]

Yes.

[Podcast Host]

And the pain of being single is a lot better than the pain of being in the wrong relationship.

[Jillian Tureki]

Agree 100%. Agree 100%.

[Podcast Host]

It's so hard when you're dating someone and you've got enmeshed into each other's lives. There's the toxicity, there's complexity, there's, as you said earlier, there's a disconnect in your values, the person's character. You think you just discovered it, but actually they showed it all along and you didn't see the signs. And now you're thinking, gosh, I was happier when I was single. And you can't see that when you're single because the promise of being in a relationship is so alluring and intoxicating that we feel like, I must have that now.

[Jillian Tureki]

Yes. And many of those people might think, yes, it's easier when I'm single. But they're actually afraid to go back to it. And that's why they stay in these relationships, because we fear the unknown.

[Podcast Host]

The key takeaway here is that while you're only looking for that one person, understand that it might not be the next person. But that doesn't mean you stop showing up. It means you use discernment to get clearer, stronger and more grounded in who you are and what needs you have. When you do that, you're able to show up authentically and honour what you deserve. So often in dating we obsess over who we're attracting, but the real question is who we entertaining? The next guest is relationship coach saadia Khan. Nearly 80% of daters report being ghosted at least once. And Saadia reveals that attraction isn't the issue. Most of us can attract all types of people. The problem is what we normalize. The late night text, the dismissiveness, the person who never makes space for you. That's where we lose our power. Most people I speak to feel like they keep attracting people who are unavailable, people who don't want to commit, people who don't have the emotional capacity for connection. Why is it?

[Saadia Khan]

It's not what we attract, it's what we entertain most. People can attract pretty much everybody. Yeah, if we try hard enough we can pretty much attract everybody. But when we have low self esteem, we have these personal prophecies that people are supposed to be a bit unavailable, people are supposed to pay hard to get. Or it's normal that he doesn't text back, or it's normal that he doesn't really ask me how my day is. It's normal that he only texts me at 12am on a Friday night. And because they believe that that's normalized to themselves, they start to accept what's actually not going to lead to a healthy relationship. The moment they figure out not what they're attracting but what they're entertaining, they can take their power back and say I'm actually attracting all types of men. But the ones I keep forming an attachment to are the ones that leave me a bit anxious and the ones that leave me worrying what this is and where this is going. Instead of being attracted to that, I start to learn that that is a signal that they've got commitment issues and all it's going to do is delay my time, delay my ability to get married, delay my ability to, you know, have a family and so on and so forth. So we can attract all types of men, but we only entertain the ones that will enable you to start a family in a relationship or whatever your goal is. They en that and if they don't enable that, try and lose attraction for them.

[Podcast Host]

Why do we feel more attracted to people who make us anxious and who are unavailable? Why is it that we think that they're the ones worth chasing.

[Saadia Khan]

Firstly, if you, if we have low self esteem, we kind of see as that this is supposed to happen. Nobody's supposed to just overly adore and love us. That's probably not going to happen. It's normal that we get treated like this if that's your low self esteem. But the other thing is unavailable men, sometimes they demonstrate the idea of having options and alternatives. Their mystery makes them seem more desirable. And because of that mystery we assume that they've got something interesting going on. They've got alternatives. There's something about them that's making them busy and making them dismissive. When we really realize that it's actually they're just emotionally immature. They're not this special guy that's got a million things going and his work is taking over and he's so, so busy. Actually he's just emotionally immature. He doesn't know how to commit. He doesn't know how to ward off alternatives and just focus on one person at the time. When you realize that it's actually a signal of emotional immatur than desirability. We actually won't be so attracted to that person who can't communicate in a healthy way.

[Podcast Host]

I think just spot on. When I'm listening to you, I'm thinking if you want someone like anyone should who texts back within a decent amount of time, that's not an abnormal request.

[Saadia Khan]

And nobody's that that busy. I know like men like to say I'm busy at work or I've got this going on. I'm that stressed. Completely understandable. But one text to let that person know will enable them to just relax the whole day. But you can't have the emotional maturity or the empathy to just send that quick te then that person doesn't understand what it takes to have a healthy relationship and they're probably not worth your investment.

[Podcast Host]

Obviously a lot of people these days aren't even getting that far because they're meeting people on dating apps and so you're swiping away. You might get into a conversation with two or three people. First of all, let's talk about this. You're not matching with anyone. Like no one. It doesn't feel like it's going that well. What do you say to men and women who feel like they've been rejected a few too many times and they're losing that faith and ability to feel that there is someone out there for.

[Saadia Khan]

Them just to be careful on? Are you actually not matching or are you disliking who you're matching with. Sometimes what's happened is because of social media and because of dating apps, we enter relationships with almost like a, you know, a double standard or a sense of comparison of comparing people to our algorithms. We're saying, well, if he's not the dream guy or she's not the dream girl, if he's not a high value man and she's not a high value woman, we start to look at our matches with a level of like distaste. When sometimes a better thing to do is look at the people who are matching with you and try and see are they actually that bad? Is there something wrong with them or am I just comparing them to a dream idea or a partner that I haven't actually been able to access? I always just think the more you like the person you are, the higher your self esteem, the more you like people who like you. The fact that the person that are matching you automatically you start to like them more because they've matched you, because you like you and they like you as well. When you've got low self esteem, you chase after people that you can't access. So my advice to people is always start with who likes you, always start with that poor and then home in on that poor and see if you've got similar demographics, values, so on and so forth. But where people go wrong is they glorify the people that they're not matching with and wanting a love that they've never been able to access and then comparing who they do get matched with with these alternatives that aren't really real. So the better thing is to focus on who does and maybe adapt your standards to those people who are actually invested in you.

[Podcast Host]

It's so true. And I feel like what I'm thinking people are going to say is, well, why do I have to settle?

[Saadia Khan]

If similarity feels like settling, then maybe your standards are too high. And what I mean by that is I sometimes will meet men who are in their, maybe in their 40s, on their second divorce and saying I don't want a woman with baggage. So I need somebody 25 years old, I don't want women with baggage. Or sometimes I'll meet women who are, you know, not working and they say I want a man that's an entrepreneur and got six figures. But I always just say, shouldn't you be looking for someone similar to you? And if similar to you starts to feel like you're settling, then maybe your standards are a bit inflated. If what you're bringing to the table and what you're Receiving, receiving. If you're asking for that, you're not asking for too much. But if you're asking for people to fill the gaps in your self worth, maybe you do need to adapt your standards a little bit. So ask yourself, does similarity feel like settling? If it does, then maybe we need to work on ourselves to be able to access people that we're actually craving.

[Podcast Host]

Yeah, it's so much of what you're talking about is just having awareness and honesty. I know, like there's such a need to be honest with ourselves and it's.

[Saadia Khan]

Harder, it's getting harder to become honest with ourselves because we are bombarded with advice from TikToks and advice from, you know, people that are giving advice about never settle, you're somebody's dream girl, or this is a high value woman. So we think that if we get anything less than what our algorithm is suggesting, we're settling when really as long as we're matched in terms of values and maturity and where we see ourselves in the future, we're not truly settling. We're just finding somebody who's compatible.

[Podcast Host]

I mean, so many people on dating apps these days, their common experience is being ghosted. And I'm sure you've heard from a million people about feeling like, hey, we were having a good chat and this person just disappeared. What would be your advice as someone who feels like they've got ghosted?

[Saadia Khan]

I would say try and have the reasonable expectations. Unfortunately, in the digital world, people see each other as disposable and there's very minimal investment. So they don't always feel like they owe somebody an explanation. And usually when they're ghosting is either they've met alternatives or they might have just been on the app to buy some time to heal from a heartbreak. They're not truly looking for a partner, they're just looking to kind of heal some or kind of recover from some kind of stress that they're going through as a coping mechanism. So if they're ghosting you, try not to, to take it too personal, but if you've been dating that person and then they ghost you, chances are they're hiding information. Ghosters, regardless of their reason, they're still poor communicators. And whatever the reason that they have for ghosting you, the bigger reason is they're not great at communicating. So try and reduce your attraction to people who can't communicate well.

[Podcast Host]

Sadia reminds us it's not about attracting the right person, but having the self esteem to stop entertaining the wrong one. If someone Leaves you anxious. That's not chemistry, it's immaturity. If similarity feels like settling, your standards may be shaped by comparison culture. And if someone ghosts you, it's poor communication reason enough to walk away. In the end, who you choose to entertain shapes the quality of your relationships. Build your self esteem, use your agency and invest in those who truly value you. You finally, therapist and author Laurie Gottlieb shows us how to face the hardest moments in dating. Speaking your truth, Knowing when to stay and having the courage to leave. Being honest about what you want isn't needy, it's brave. Yet 60% of people admit staying in relationships longer than they should, while only 6% leave too soon. Avoiding honesty isn't kindness, it's avoidance. The key to transformation in love isn't fixing someone else, it's growing yourself.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

Lots of people will say, oh, you know, I know. I think my other person that I'm dating is also dating other people. I would like to not date other people, but I'm afraid that I'll appear too needy too early. Right? As opposed to just being honest about what you want. They can say yes or no. But to be clear about, look, we're dating. I don't feel comfortable with. I can't really feel like I can get close to you if I know that you're dating other people at this point because we're spending a lot of time together. So how do you feel about this? Are you ready to be in an exclusive relationship? Is that of interest to you if they say no? Wow, great. You've learned a lot. You can make a choice like, I'm comfortable doing this for another month, or I'm not, or, you know, whatever it is. Or they can say, oh, I didn't know that that was important to you and I would like that too. Let's do that, or I'm not ready to do that. That. So people do this in all kinds of situations. It's not just about marriage. They're so afraid to just bring their true selves into the kind of relationship where the, the whole game here is bringing your true self to it. So if you can't practice that at any point in the relationship, you're not ready to be together for the long term. You can't just say, oh, now that we're engaged, now I can bring my true self. Well, that's a recipe for a disaster. Because now it's like you've misrepresented what you actually want and need in a relationship. And maybe the other person has misinterpreted what you want and need because you haven't expressed it.

[Podcast Host]

But we're so. It's. I'm fully with you. I just find that we're so. It's so hardwired in us. Like, we're so scared of rejection.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

Yeah.

[Podcast Host]

How do you feel about those shows? And yes, they're entertaining, and, yes, we love to get into all the gossip and what's going on and everything. How is that affecting our views and our own relationships?

[Laurie Gottlieb]

Yeah. I haven't actually seen those shows, but many of my therapy clients talk about them.

[Podcast Host]

You know, finding love is just such a important pillar of human happiness and connection that it breaks my heart when. When I see that we're tripping ourselves up.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

Yeah.

[Podcast Host]

And when I asked my community what was one of the things that they think trips them up, it was this idea that they have now coined future tripping. This idea of planning the future in their head, visioning a future with this person. When things are looking okay or good in their head, they're, you know, in the most extreme cases, imagining their wedding day or what their kids might look like. But even in the immediate sense, like, this could be it. This is amazing. This is gonna last. And then all of a sudden, they get a reality check where that person is not really mirroring that back. How do we stop ourselves from future tripping? Or is there a healthy way of future tripping with the person? Is there a collective, collaborative future tripping? Like, what does that look like?

[Laurie Gottlieb]

I think the future tripping is being in the present. And what I mean is what's happening now is what it's gonna look like in the future. So instead of imagining, oh, this person will change in this way, or we're gonna have this kind of life, but you don't know if the other person wants that kind of life. If you're not talking about it now in the present, you don't know. How does this person treat me now? What is it like when we're together? The biggest indicator would be we had a disagreement. How did we get through it? That's what your future is going to look like. We didn't agree on this. We were frustrated with each other. We had a difference of opinion. How did we repair that rupture? We talk a lot about rupture and repair. Everybody's gonna have ruptures. You have it with your family members, with your friends, with your coworkers, with your parents, with your children, especially with your romantic partners. Because we have this. This misguided notion that we shouldn't have a rupture with them because we're so in love and we see each other and we see eye to eye. But of course you're going to have ruptures. It's not so much whether you're going to have a rupture, it's what do you do with it and what does it look like. So if you have been dating for, let's say, six months and you haven't had a rupture, you guys are not going deep enough. You guys don't know each other well enough. You're still on your best behavior. You have to be able to be yourselves. That's going to tell you what the future looks like. So. So stop the pretending. Be yourself. Be what you want your future to look like. Act like you want your future to look like. See how the other person acts and see what happens between the two of you. And a repair would look like something like, oh, I didn't. You know, we're having a disagreement right now. Why don't we take 15 minutes and let's come back when we're not so heated and let's talk about that. Or, you know, you made a mistake. You know what? I've been thinking about this. You know, say you have an argument. You say, we're not going to talk for a few minutes, let's go cool off, whatever. You call them back and you say, you know what? I thought about it. I was wrong, and I'm so sorry. Here's what I did, and I wish I had done it this way. And that's great. If your partner can do that or if you can do that. Right. And then if your partner then can accept that without shaming you. If your partner can say, I really appreciate that, and I wish that I had reacted differently in this way way, and how can I be more supportive in those moments? That's beautiful. That's your future. But you have to see it in the present. You can't imagine what the future is going to be. You have to actually live it in the present and say, oh, now I know it's going to be just like it is right now.

[Podcast Host]

Yeah. And. And like you're saying, like, if you are making plans in your head, but you're uncomfortable to talk about those plans, then they only exist in your head.

[Laurie Gottlieb]

Yeah.

[Podcast Host]

Like, they aren't real. They aren't. They aren't going there the takeaway way. Your needs in dating are valid. Your truth is enough. And your growth will either deepen the connection or free you for something. Better. Dating isn't just about swiping or waiting for luck. It's about presence, clarity and self worth. Here's what we heard today that I want you to remember you can't attract the right person until you get to know yourself. You can't receive what you want until you learn to ask for it. It you will attract what you're willing to entertain. And real chemistry comes from honesty, openness and courage. Whether you're just putting yourself back out there or actively dating, remember, love isn't found, it's created and you're worthy of creating it. If you love this episode, you're going to love my conversation with Matthew Hussey on how to get over your ex and find true love in your relationships. People. People should be compassionate to themselves. But extend that compassion to your future self. Because truly extending your compassion to your future self is doing something that gives.

[Saadia Khan]

Him or her a shot at a.

[Podcast Host]

Happy and a peaceful life.

[Vanessa Van Edwards]

This is an I Heart podcast.