Podcast Summary: "You’re Approaching Dating Wrong! (Use THIS Blueprint to Attract the RIGHT Person)"

On Purpose with Jay Shetty — November 5, 2025

Episode Overview

In this masterclass-style episode, Jay Shetty brings together four relationship experts—Vanessa Van Edwards, Jillian Tureki, Saadia Khan, and Laurie Gottlieb—to unravel common dating misconceptions and uncover science-backed strategies for meaningful connection. Through candid conversations and practical frameworks, they reveal why “attracting the right person” begins with authenticity, intentionality, and self-awareness.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Science of Attraction & Body Language Cues

Guest: Vanessa Van Edwards (Body Language Specialist)

• Signal Amplification Bias: Most people drastically overestimate how clear their flirtatious signals are.
  • Notable Quote: “We tend to think we are over obvious with our cues... The other person has no idea.” – Vanessa ([01:47])
• Flirtation Signals: Research shows it takes an average of 29 signals in 10 minutes for a woman to be noticed as interested—far beyond most expectations.
• Attractiveness vs. Availability:
  • Attractive people who don’t signal availability are often approached less than less conventionally attractive people who signal clearly.
  • Key Insight: “Availability actually makes you more attractive… body language signals of availability.” – Vanessa ([04:00])
• Demonstrating Interest:
  • Flirty glances: Side or down-and-up glances (think “Marilyn Monroe” gaze), repeated with small smiles or self-touch gestures (e.g., playing with hair or necklace).
  • Scent & pheromones: Non-verbal cues like self-touch can release natural scents, playing a crucial role in chemistry.
  • Practical Tip: The simple, low-pressure “Hey” as a direct but relaxed opener. Depth and relaxation in tone (lower pitch) signals confidence ([07:11]).
• Confidence Over Perfection:
  • “Confidence and availability beats attractiveness every time... even a casual ‘hey’ can lead to big results.” – Podcast Host ([09:23])

2. Biggest Mistakes in Modern Dating

Guest: Jillian Tureki (Relationship & Love Expert)

• Limiting Dating to Apps: Relying solely on dating apps burns people out and narrows opportunities for real connection.
  • “It's not every day that you meet someone who you want to build a relationship with... you have to get out there. You have to be proactive.” – Jillian ([11:47])
• Impatience and Unrealistic Expectations: Expecting instant chemistry or “the one” right away leads to disappointment and learned helplessness.
• False Intimacy via Texting: Prolonged texting before meeting creates a false sense of connection—actual chemistry is only revealed in person ([14:08]).
  • Advice: “Text a little bit back and forth, like a day, and make a date to either meet on FaceTime, Zoom, or in person.”
• Fear of Rejection:
  • Two types: Fear of being rejected, and fear of rejecting others.
  • “Quality of our lives is determined by how well we can confront rejection.” – Jillian ([16:37])
  • Building resilience to rejection is attractive and crucial.
• Slowing Down Love:
  • “There is no ‘the one.’ We choose... Love is a choice, not just a feeling.” – Jillian ([19:03])
  • Rushing commitment often masks a lack of self-clarity and increases risk of long-term incompatibility.
• The Biggest Relationship Decision:
  • “Who you decide to partner with is one of the most important decisions you will ever make in your entire life.” – Jillian ([21:51])
  • “The pain of being single is a lot better than the pain of being in the wrong relationship.” – Jay Shetty ([22:46])

3. Self-Esteem & Who You Entertain

Guest: Saadia Khan (Relationship Coach)

• Attraction vs. Entertainment:
  • “It's not what we attract, it's what we entertain.” – Saadia ([25:01])
  • Self-fulfilling prophecies (low self-esteem leads to normalizing unhealthy patterns).
• Unavailability & Anxious Attachment:
  • People who make us anxious or seem mysterious are often emotionally immature, not “special”.
  • “When you realize that it's actually a signal of emotional immaturity... we actually won't be so attracted to that person who can't communicate in a healthy way.” – Saadia ([26:15])
• Matching & Standards:
  • Many miss connection by dismissing matches who don’t fit an idealized “algorithm”—instead, check if those who like you align in values and maturity ([28:05]).
  • “If similarity feels like settling, then maybe your standards are too high... what you’re bringing to the table and what you’re receiving should match.” – Saadia ([29:32])
• Ghosting & Communication:
  • “Ghosters... are still poor communicators... the biggest reason is they're not great at communicating. So try and reduce your attraction to people who can't communicate well.” – Saadia ([31:08])

4. Honesty, Vulnerability, and Being Present

Guest: Laurie Gottlieb (Therapist & Author)

• Asking For What You Want:
  • "Being honest about what you want isn't needy, it's brave." ([32:59])
  • Playing it cool or hiding your truth leads to future pain or misrepresentation.
  • “If you can't practice [honesty] at any point in the relationship, you're not ready to be together for the long term.” – Laurie ([33:01])
• 'Future Tripping': Over-Planning & Missing the Present:
  • “What's happening now is what it's going to look like in the future... How does this person treat me now? That's your predictor.” – Laurie ([35:41])
  • Relationships should be tested by how you handle disagreements and ‘rupture and repair’.
• Real Chemistry Comes from Growth and Repair:
  • "Stop the pretending. Be yourself. Be what you want your future to look like." ([37:00])
  • If you cannot discuss the future openly, the future only exists in your head, not in the relationship ([38:13]).

Memorable Quotes & Moments (with Timestamps)

• On Flirtation Signals:
  • “It took 29 signals in 10 minutes to get approached.” – Vanessa Van Edwards ([03:04])
• On Availability Beating Attractiveness:
  • “Attractive women who don't signal enough won't be approached.” – Vanessa Van Edwards ([03:37])
• On Owning Your Confidence:
  • “The most important word you can say really is ‘hey.’ That’s it. You just signaled your confidence.” – Vanessa ([08:01])
• On Resilience in Dating:
  • “The quality of our lives is very much determined by how well we can confront rejection... You have to build that resilience.” – Jillian Tureki ([16:37])
• On Commitment and Values:
  • “Who you decide to partner with is one of the most important decisions you will ever make.” – Jillian Tureki ([21:51])
• On Standards:
  • “If similarity feels like settling, then maybe your standards are too high.” – Saadia Khan ([29:32])
• On Practicing Honesty Early:
  • “If you can't practice that at any point in the relationship, you're not ready to be together for the long term.” – Laurie Gottlieb ([33:01])
• On Rupture and Repair:
  • “If you have been dating for six months and you haven’t had a rupture, you’re not going deep enough... how you repair is your future.” – Laurie Gottlieb ([35:41])
• On Your Needs and Worthiness:
  • “Your needs in dating are valid. Your truth is enough. And your growth will either deepen the connection or free you for something better.” – Jay Shetty ([38:21])

Timestamps for Major Segments

• Intro & Signal Amplification bias: [00:54] – [03:36]
• Demonstrating Availability—Cues & "Hey": [04:00] – [09:23]
• Jillian Tureki on Dating Mistakes and Resilience: [11:47] – [22:51]
• Saadia Khan on Entertainment vs. Attraction, Ghosting, Standards: [25:01] – [31:55]
• Laurie Gottlieb on Honesty, Future-tripping, Repair: [33:01] – [38:13]
• Final Takeaways: [38:13] – [39:26]

Final Takeaways

• You don’t have to be flawless—just clear, confident, and intentional in showing interest.
• Body language and availability signal more than conventional attractiveness.
• Real intimacy grows after honest, in-person interaction and facing vulnerability, not endless texting or algorithm chasing.
• Who you entertain matters more than who you attract—self-esteem rules your choices.
• Rejecting and being rejected are both part of the process—resilience is essential.
• Honesty about your needs and vision isn’t ‘needy,’ it’s the foundation for genuine connection and healthy boundaries.
• If your standards make similarity feel like ‘settling,’ it may be time to reassess and work on self-worth.
• Love isn’t found, it’s created—by showing up with courage for yourself and others.

This episode is a practical toolkit for anyone tired of dating frustration, providing scientific insights, expert wisdom, and grounded strategies to transform how you approach—and build—connection.