Podcast Summary: On Purpose with Jay Shetty

Episode: Maya Shankar: Does Change Make You Feel Lost Or Uncertain? (Use THIS Framework To Find Direction Again and Use Change to Upgrade Your Life!)
Aired: February 11, 2026
Host: Jay Shetty
Guest: Dr. Maya Shankar

Overview

This episode features a deep and heartfelt conversation between Jay Shetty and his friend Dr. Maya Shankar, cognitive scientist, podcast host, and author of "The Other Side of Change." The discussion centers on how people process unexpected changes, why change feels destabilizing, and science-based frameworks for finding stability and meaning amidst upheaval. Maya draws on personal stories, cognitive research, and insightful anecdotes, offering practical strategies for navigating both chosen and unchosen change. The episode is rich with vulnerability, humor, research, and actionable wisdom for anyone facing uncertainty.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Dual Nature of Change

(03:18)

• Jay outlines two kinds of change: those we choose and those that "choose us."
  • Quote:
    “One is the change that you choose, and the other is the change that chooses you… That’s like the worst feeling ever.” — Jay Shetty (03:21)
• Maya admits her fascination with change stems from deep anxiety and discomfort with its unpredictability.
  • She recounts her life-changing injury as a young violinist, forcing her to abandon a long-held dream and identity (04:20).

2. Change and Self-Identity

(07:22)

• Maya describes how losing the violin felt like a loss of self, triggering a crisis in self-worth.
  • Quote:
    “I didn’t feel like I was just losing the instrument. I felt like I was losing a part of myself… Maya and the violin were inextricably attached.” — Maya Shankar (08:18)
• Research insight: People often derive confidence from external roles and achievements; when these are lost, identity feels threatened.
• Maya’s framework: Anchor self-worth not in “what” you do but “why” you do it.
  • Ask: What core motivation or value is behind your pursuits? This is the stable anchor through chaos.
  • Quote:
    “One way to have a more secure self-identity is to anchor yourself not simply to what you do, but to why you do that thing.” — Maya Shankar (02:00, repeated meaningfully at 10:58)

3. Culture, Contingent Self-Esteem, and Childhood Roots

(14:05)

• Maya explains that we’re socialized to tie worth to roles and external achievements—from the childhood question, “What do you want to be?” instead of “Who do you want to be?”
• Looking back at childhood passions can help adults uncover their enduring “why.”
• She shares research-based strategies and a listener story (Scott, former lawyer with Long Covid) illustrating how people can re-express their “why” even when the “what” changes drastically (15:40).
  • Quote:
    “I asked myself what my why was…and realized I could still express that by advocating for the long hauler community.” — Maya Shankar, paraphrasing Scott (15:29)

4. The End of History Illusion & Transformation

(22:42)

• Maya discusses the “end of history illusion”: we recognize past growth but assume who we are now is “finished.”
  • Quote:
    “Researchers have said that we falsely believe that the present is this watershed moment in which we become the person we will be for the rest of our lives.” — Maya Shankar (23:25)
• Major changes accelerate internal transformation—values, perspectives, resilience.
• Resilient people recognize that events change us, and who we are on the other side is different and often more capable and whole.

5. Vulnerability: Applying the Work in Real Time

(26:46)

• Maya shares recent, raw struggles: her aunt’s third cancer recurrence and challenges in starting a family.
  • “The last month of my life was awful…Just one example, my beloved aunt, her stage four cancer returned for a third time…And as a person who had been writing this book about unexpected change for three and a half years, I was engaging in magical thinking…I thought the change was over! And then change was thrown my way.” — Maya Shankar (26:46)
• She applied her own book’s strategies during this fresh crisis, especially resisting rumination and contextualizing pain.

6. The Power of Self-Affirmation

(31:10)

• Maya tells the story of suffering miscarriages via surrogate, and her husband encouraging a gratitude list at a moment of raw grief.
  • Quote:
    “Oh, hell no, bro…There is no space for that in our bedroom right now!” — Maya Shankar (to her husband, when asked to list things she was grateful for after a miscarriage) (32:19)
• Though reluctant, she found that self-affirmation—naming other sources of meaning—restored some wholeness and perspective.
• Scientific explanation: This exercise contextualizes the loss, reduces denial and anxiety, and builds resilience.

7. Gratitude and the Subtle Shift

(37:13)

• Jay reflects on a teaching from his monk mentor:
  • “You don’t have to be grateful for what happens to you. You have to be grateful for what you have after what happens to you.” — Jay Shetty (38:17)
• Maya and Jay agree that authentic gratitude is for the person you become or what persists, not for the hardship itself.

8. Change as Revelation and Excavation of Beliefs

(41:54, 43:30)

• Maya explains that change can be a “personal apocalypse”—but the Greek root of apocalypse is “revelation.”
• Unwelcome change is a forced opportunity to reevaluate inherited beliefs (family, culture, society) and forge new definitions of self-worth and identity.
  • She shares her evolving beliefs about motherhood and women’s value, especially as a child-free woman post-fertility challenges.

9. Practical, Science-Based Framework for Navigating Change

Framework Summary:

• Discover Your "Why": Identify motivations beneath activities; this is your through-line.
• Self-Affirmation: Regularly remind yourself of values and sources of meaning outside threatened roles.
• Expect Internal Change: Who you are becomes different after change; draw strength from this evolving identity.
• Challenge Your Comfort Zone: Deliberately choose manageable discomfort to build change “muscle.”
• Reflect, Don’t Ruminate: Notice grief and loss, but contextualize within a larger, more resilient self.

Memorable Quotes

• “Bring on the shocks. Just don’t make me have to deal with that anticipatory anxiety that makes my skin crawl.” — Maya Shankar (05:20)
• “Whatever your why is, life can’t take that away from you.” — Maya Shankar (10:51)
• “That ability to stop and pause and say ‘wow’... try and apply it to a real life situation.” — Jay Shetty (16:53)
• “They are extremely grateful...for the person they became as a result of the change they went through.” — Maya Shankar (41:54)
• “I am child-free today and you are seeing the happiest, most joyful, most curious, most hopeful version of Maya that has ever existed.” — Maya Shankar (46:08)
• “The only vehicle for growth is to be in these uncertain, uncomfortable situations.” — (recounting Chris Hemsworth, 52:16)

Notable Moments with Timestamps

• (04:18–06:27) – Maya describes her violin injury and the collapse of her self-identity.
• (10:51) – Maya introduces the “why” framework for anchoring self-worth.
• (15:29–16:29) – Story of Scott, who lost his law career due to Long Covid, re-anchoring his purpose.
• (22:42–26:28) – The “end of history” illusion and how people outgrow their current selves after upheaval.
• (26:46–30:40) – Maya shares current personal challenges and how her own research guided her through.
• (31:10–36:23) – Maya describes powerful use of self-affirmation at lowest ebb; scientific explanation and emotional impact.
• (37:13–39:54) – Jay shares his teacher’s wisdom on gratitude shifting from what happens to what you have now.
• (41:54–46:08) – Maya explores how internal beliefs and identity shift as a “revelation” after unwelcome change.
• (48:07–53:53) – Lightning round: Maya’s fast wisdom on what changes to choose and how discomfort builds resilience.

Quick-Fire Segment Highlights (48:07–53:53)

• First change to choose after tonight: “Being present when they are with other people.” (48:33)
• Change you’re happiest you made in the last 12 months: “Care less what people I don’t respect think of me.” (49:03)
• Change you’re trying to make this year: “I am an extremely impatient person...I think it would be really good for my overall wellbeing if I just took a beat.” (49:34)
• Smallest change for relationships: “Before you talk at them, deeply listen to them, and then you will be able to find common ground.” (50:38)
• Does choosing more change help you deal with change?
  • Maya recounts advice to “take an improv comedy class,” introducing discomfort intentionally trains us for bigger unpredictability (51:09).

Final Takeaways

• Change is inevitable and often beyond our control, but our response—anchoring to deeper values, embracing self-affirmation, and expecting growth—can transform pain into self-understanding.
• Building resilience is a learnable skill, not a fixed trait; discomfort and intentional practice strengthen our capacity to adapt.
• The real gift of unwelcome change is not the event, but the new self and perspective revealed on the other side.

This engaging, research-driven episode offers a warm, practical, and hopeful guide for anyone struggling with change, whether chosen or not. Maya Shankar and Jay Shetty bring humor, empathy, and deep wisdom to the universal human experience of being reshaped by life’s surprises.