On Purpose with Jay Shetty

Episode: MEL ROBBINS: How to Stop People-Pleasing Without Feeling Guilty (Follow THIS Simple Rule to Set Boundaries and Stop Putting Yourself Last!)
Release Date: January 14, 2026
Host: Jay Shetty
Guest: Mel Robbins
Venue: Live at the Wang Theater, Boston

Episode Overview

This episode is a candid, insightful, and high-energy live conversation with Mel Robbins, renowned author, speaker, and podcast host. Together with Jay Shetty, Mel unpacks the roots of people-pleasing, the cultural and psychological forces behind self-criticism, and shares practical, research-backed strategies to break out of the cycle of putting yourself last. They explore setting boundaries, building self-worth, and developing the courage (or as Mel says, “desperation”) to pivot—whether in life, career, or relationships. The episode also features audience Q&A and an interactive boundary-setting segment.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. People-Pleasing: Manipulation in Disguise

[03:00] Mel Robbins delivers a disruptive perspective:

• People-pleasing is not passive—it's active manipulation.

  "People pleasing is actually manipulation. You're manipulating people so they like you ... I'm not some pushover. I actually want people to like me, so I am willing to manipulate them by staying silent or doing things I don't want to do or not expressing my boundaries..." ([03:00])

• The drive to be liked and understood runs so deep it leads us to betray ourselves to control others’ perceptions.

• Reframing people-pleasing as manipulation wakes us up to the cost:

  “No, you're a manipulator and I own this. ... This is gonna snap you out of this. Because we kind of soften into the label and then we pretend we're weak. No, you're manipulating people so they like you. This is a strategy.” ([23:04])

2. The Root of Self-Criticism: Culture and Childhood

[05:49] Mel Robbins digs deeply into why we are so critical of ourselves:

• Tech & culture have rewired self-criticism. We now see ourselves (mirrors, selfies, videos) far more often than evolution designed—fueling our inner judgment.

  “We are not neurologically, physiologically, emotionally designed to actually see ourselves. ... What's happened, because of Zoom, because of FaceTime, because of selfies, we are seeing ourselves at rates that our brains can't compute.” ([07:27])

• The four steps for understanding and breaking self-criticism (as per Dr. Ash from Harvard Medical School):

  1. Recognize: Self-criticism is fueled by culture—not just personal failure.

     "You're not the problem. The culture's the problem." ([10:11])

  2. Reflect: You weren’t born hating yourself; someone taught you, especially in adolescence.

     “You were not born beating yourself up. Somebody taught you to.” ([12:57])

  3. Reframe: Use meaningful mantras; talk to yourself in the third person, as a friend (from Dr. Ethan Cross).

     “Talk to yourself like a friend. Meaning use your name. ... Mel, you don't always screw things up. And when you say your name, it sort of snaps you out of that loop of criticizing yourself.” ([13:54])

     • Practice positive self-talk: Write it, read it, visualize it with calm, per Dr. Jim Doughty.
  4. Action: Stop waiting to live—don’t postpone life for an ‘idealized self.’

     "All of the things you're waiting to do ... The days that you wait, you are saying to yourself, I am not good enough for my own standards to live the life that I deserve. Just stop and really think about that." ([18:11])

3. The Importance of Boundaries & Body Awareness

[22:29] Mel Robbins shares the first practical habit to break the people-pleasing cycle:

• Pause to check basic bodily needs: eating when hungry, taking breaks, using the restroom—notice where you deny yourself these small needs to please others.

• Self-abandonment starts with ignoring basic needs. You can’t set big boundaries if you can’t meet your simplest needs.

  “...Start to notice where you have no actual separation from the world around you and your need to just push yourself through it and be liked by everybody ... Eat when you're hungry at work, take a break and go the bathroom when you realize you need to ... And what you're gonna notice is how often you're unwilling to take care of your own basic needs because you're worried about what people are gonna think if you do.” ([24:13])

• Breaking the habit: Accept that basic self-care is often a radical first act in breaking lifelong people-pleasing.

4. Cultivating Inner Self-Worth (vs. Outer Validation)

Jay and Mel share real experiences of breaking free from external validation:

• Jay’s monastery reflection: Without mirrors or physical reminders, you are forced to explore your inner world, which is “an inner universe we haven’t even begun to explore.” ([21:17])

• You can't win outside and lose inside.

  “If I'm even lucky enough to make someone not mad at me ... I'm probably going to go to bed mad at myself. And even if I'm lucky enough to convince someone to like me, I'm probably going to go to bed disliking myself. ... It's the inside world that everything happens through.” ([33:59])

5. Building Courage to Pivot and Grow

Career pivots are rooted in "negative energy" or desperation, not always courage:

• Mel's journey: She left law not from bravery, but because “I hated my life when I was a lawyer. ... At some point, you will get to a point where you go, my life doesn't work for me.” ([38:03])

• On jealousy:

  “You can't be jealous of something you don't want ... Jealousy is you blocking what's meant for you with your insecurity.” ([43:41])

• See others' success as inspiration, not theft:

  • “The person you're jealous of is not taking anything from you, but is giving something to you.” ([47:36])

6. Interactive: Boundary & Values “Vibe Check” (Audience Participation)

Jay & Mel present scenarios; audience votes “vibe” or “not a vibe.”

• Saying no to social events when exhausted, declining work you doubt you can handle, staying in comfortable but unchallenging relationships, not intervening with a friend’s bad dating patterns.

• Mel’s nuanced boundary advice:

  • Boundaries should reflect self-awareness, not just rejection.
  • You don’t need 100% from one person in relationships—prioritize what truly matters long-term.
  • When supporting friends making repeated mistakes, compassion and safe non-judgment keep people close:

    "But there's the let me part. ... Let me be more compassionate. Let me just say I want you to be happy ... And that's how you keep somebody closer and you make it safe for them to come to you..." ([54:32])

7. Audience Q&A Highlights

Q1. How do you find the courage to keep moving forward toward your best self?

• Mel: Faith and persistent refusal to give up.

  “I refuse to believe that this is how it ends. ... every day, every experience, right, is just a brick in the path of life ... And cultivating that faith in yourself that you have the capacity to keep going ... And I do think you have to outlast yourself because you're the one who's gonna quit. You're not against Jay or me. It's you against you.” ([59:18])

• Jay: Learning that rejections make the story better; sometimes, “the universe is saying not right now, not like this, or I have something better planned.” ([68:07])

Q2. Letting go of guilt and finding compassion for those who hurt you (family)?

• Mel:

  “You are not responsible for what was done to you, but you are responsible for what you do next. ... As long as I hold judgment over what happened, I am still in the past. I am still suffering. ... you get to choose what happens next. And for me, learning to say this person is who they are, Let them be who they are. Now I get to choose.” ([70:29])

• Jay: Compassion for others begins with self-compassion; it's a ladder—the first step may be anger, and compassion is at the top ([74:43]).

Q3. Turning hobbies into businesses

• Jay:

  • Start by serving people in small groups, with no pressure.
  • Let their feedback guide what you uniquely offer; scale only after mastery and understanding of what people truly want from you (“Take care of whoever’s there now ... and let it flow.”) ([76:35])

• Mel:

  • Spend time as a student of "the formula"—study people already successful at what you want to do.
  • Then, do the reps in the dark, for a year, with no recognition—success comes from showing up day after day.

    “Be a student first, search for formulas, then ... actually show up every day and put your money where your mouth is and do it broke and do it in the dark while nobody cares and is paying attention. ... And if you do that, within two years, you will be shocked at what you can create. Shocked.” ([80:32])

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “People pleasing is actually manipulation. You're manipulating people so they like you.”
  — Mel Robbins [03:00]

• “We are so desperate to be liked and understood and loved by others that we live in fear that it's not gonna happen. And in doing so, we basically live a life where we don't really like ourselves.”
  — Mel Robbins [03:48]

• “The more stressed out that you are, the more the self criticism dials up.”
  — Mel Robbins [06:08]

• “You're not the problem. The culture's the problem.”
  — Mel Robbins [10:11]

• “If somebody taught you to beat yourself up, you can unlearn it.”
  — Mel Robbins [12:57]

• “You prove the self criticism wrong when you're like, all right, I got weight to lose. That's the point of the gym. So I'm going to go in and I'm going to do it now because I deserve to take care of myself.”
  — Mel Robbins [18:11]

• “We are so obsessed with the physical that ... there's a whole actual life that is inside of you that is waiting to open up.”
  — Mel Robbins [20:17]

• “People pleaser sounds like, oh, I'm weak, I'm soft. Like I'm a people pleaser. No, you're a manipulator ... That's what it is.”
  — Mel Robbins [23:04]

• “This lack of alignment... between the mind and the body where the body's saying, do this, do this, do this. And the mind saying, I can't, I can't, I can't. Because so and so will say that ... is what makes it so hard to go to sleep when you want.”
  — Jay Shetty [28:29]

• “You can't be jealous of something you don't want. ... Jealousy is you blocking what's meant for you with your insecurity.”
  — Mel Robbins [43:41]

• “The person you're jealous of is not taking anything from you, but is giving something to you.”
  — Mel Robbins [47:36]

• “I refuse to believe that this is how it ends. That I believe that this moment, no matter how sucky it is, is preparing me for something in the future that I do not know is going to happen.”
  — Mel Robbins [59:18]

• “Compassion is at the top of the ladder. It's not the first step. ... The first step on the ladder is anger ... And the tenth step is, I see why they treated me that way. I get it.”
  — Jay Shetty [74:43]

• “Be a student first, search for formulas, then take another year to actually show up every day and put your money where your mouth is and do it broke and do it in the dark while nobody cares ... and then pay attention to the 10 people that have shown up because they're your people.”
  — Mel Robbins [80:32]

Notable Segment Timestamps

• [03:00] — People-pleasing as manipulation
• [05:18] — The power of the inner and outer critic
• [07:27] — Why modern life turbocharges self-criticism
• [10:11] — Four steps to handle self-criticism
• [13:54] — The role of positive self-talk and “meaningful mantra”
• [18:11] — Stopping the wait to live fully
• [20:17] — What we lose by being obsessed with the physical
• [22:29] — First habit to interrupt people-pleasing: honoring bodily needs
• [33:59] — The cost of outside approval vs. self-acceptance
• [38:03] — Courage vs. desperation in life pivots
• [43:41] — Transforming jealousy into inspiration
• [47:36] — Other people's success is a signpost, not a threat
• [59:18] — Cultivating enduring faith and persistence
• [70:29] — On forgiveness, guilt, and family relationships
• [76:35] — From hobby to business: serve others, then scale
• [80:32] — Practicing and studying the craft before mastering

Themes & Takeaways

• People-pleasing is not weakness; it is a (subconscious) strategy rooted in fear and a desire for acceptance. Recognizing and owning this begins the process of change.
• Our culture, especially through technology, amplifies self-criticism. Be kind to yourself; the problem isn’t you.
• You can retrain your inner dialogue—small daily practices, like affirming mantras and bodily awareness, lay the foundation for bigger boundaries.
• Pivots and change rarely come from bravery—they often start with discomfort, negative energy, or desperation. That discomfort can drive real, lasting growth.
• Jealousy points to what we desire and is a messenger. Instead of envy, use it as inspiration and proof of possibility.
• The secret to turning hobbies into businesses is showing up with passion, patience, and a willingness to be a student and do the reps—long before anyone notices.
• Forgiveness and compassion for those who have hurt us come after giving compassion to ourselves and acknowledging our pain. It's a gradual, layered process.

Final Note

Mel Robbins’ compassion, directness, and humor—combined with Jay Shetty’s reflective, encouraging style—create an episode that’s both actionable and deeply relatable. Whether you’re a lifelong people-pleaser, struggling with self-doubt, or gearing up for a major life pivot, this episode offers both the wisdom and the practical tools to begin.