On Purpose with Jay Shetty

Episode: Quinlan Walther: Stop Chasing Love Just Because You’re Lonely! (Do THIS to Attract the RIGHT Relationship)
Release Date: October 20, 2025
Host: Jay Shetty
Guest: Quinlan Walther (“Q”), Writer and Relationship Coach

Brief Overview

In this insightful episode, Jay Shetty is joined by relationship coach and writer Quinlan Walther. Together, they explore why so many people struggle with loneliness, repeat unhealthy dating patterns, and "chase love" from a place of emptiness. Quinlan shares actionable, compassionate advice on how to build self-trust, break the cycle of desperate connection-seeking, foster emotional safety, and thoughtfully discern the right relationship for you. The conversation is authentic, vulnerable, and sprinkled with memorable stories and advice for anyone navigating love, dating, heartbreak, or long-term partnership.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Difference Between Wanting and Being Ready for a Relationship

• Quinlan: Don’t go dating when you are “metaphorically starving.” "[W]hen you go out into the world, …you want to have a pretty solid understanding of what it is that you’re looking for. ...Rather than feel like you’re trying to fill a void, you end up seeking connections from a place of desperation that can’t be fulfilling..." (04:00)
• Jay: Compares dating while lonely to grocery shopping when starving: you make poor choices, then regret it (05:19).

2. Dealing with Loneliness Without Chasing "Fast-Love"

• How to Cope: Build self-trust, which Quinlan breaks down into the "Four Cs":
  1. Curiosity: Get to know yourself deeply.
  2. Capacity: Develop emotional flexibility to handle hard feelings.
  3. Compassion: Be gentle on yourself for mistakes.
  4. Commitment: Devote yourself to becoming the person you want to be.
• Quote: “Self-trust is imperative for liking who you are, understanding who you are, making decisions that align with who you really want to be.” (06:49)

3. Perfection Before Partnership is a Myth

• Jay: “This idea that we have to be fully perfect before we meet someone doesn’t really add up.” (09:01)
• Quinlan: Relationships should be spaces of further growth, not just sources of validation and joy (09:42).

4. Relationships as Vessels for Growth

• Quinlan: “The point of a relationship is just to relate to another person. ...To be a source of love, encouragement, enthusiasm, and to grow individually...” (11:35)
• Jay: Describes moving from defensiveness to understanding in marriage, and how emotional safety allows real growth (12:49; 14:21).

5. Feedback, Conflict & Emotional Safety

• Reasonable vs. Unreasonable Requests: If feedback is black-and-white, demanding, and lacks compassion, it’s more about the other’s insecurity than your actual relationship (15:42).
• Quote: “People can only meet you as deeply as they've met themselves. They can only meet you given whatever emotional resources they have available...” (18:26)

6. Dating Fatigue: What To Do?

• Advice: Take a break or shift your energy. Don't enter every date as a high-pressure audition for a spouse (23:27).
• Jay’s anecdote: People get tired when every date feels make-or-break (24:33).
• Quinlan: “Deciding the energy you want to bring … typically allows you to enjoy the function more rather than feeling like, okay, here we go again, another disappointment.” (24:33)

7. The Spark, Chemistry, and Compatibility

• Is the spark real?
  Quinlan: Yes, but “it grows and fades and returns in different ways… Caution: obsession over unavailable people is not a healthy spark, it’s a projection of fantasy.” (27:11; 28:33)
• Difference between chemistry & compatibility:
  • Compatibility: Shared values and future vision, not necessarily similar hobbies.
  • Chemistry: The magic, attraction, or energy between people, but it won't sustain a long-term relationship without compatibility. (30:18)
• Jay: “The biggest mistake you can make is one of you wants the other person to change, and the other person doesn’t want you to change at all. ...You’re both gonna change, but not in the ways the other person wants you to.” (32:53)

8. Accountability and Changing for Another Person

• Quinlan: "If you expect someone else to do it for you—to change in all the ways you want—that's a self-centered view..." (34:26)
• Marriage is about devotion, not continual discernment or anticipation of change. (59:42)

9. Love as Action vs. Feeling

• Quinlan: “Love as an action is willingness. ...To show up and be loving when you feel the least loving. ...Love as a feeling will be fleeting if we don’t follow it up with action.” (36:14)
• Jay: “I think love the action requires so much more emotional intelligence and maturity than love the feeling.” (37:21)

10. Boundaries and Self-Respect

• Quinlan: “The only people who are upset with your boundaries are the very same people who directly benefit from you not having any.” (65:57)
• How to set a boundary: “A boundary is: I will/won’t ___ if ___. ...Your boundaries are for you to respect.” (67:56)
• Mistake: Don’t threaten as a manipulation; actually hold yourself to your standard (69:08-69:42).

11. Healing and Patterns: Family Influence

• Quinlan shares: Childhood wounds, the impact of her mother’s death, and the healing that came from repairing that relationship before she passed. “I realized that I was looking for evidence to confirm or deny the beliefs that I had learned in this mother-daughter dynamic growing up. ...I was looking for evidence to confirm that everywhere.” (42:41)

12. Breakups, Grief, and Moving On

• Process:
  • Allow yourself to grieve first.
  • Reflect on patterns and take accountability.
  • Ask: If you woke up ‘moved on’ tomorrow, what would you do? Start there, even if the feelings aren’t fully gone. (83:41-86:52)
• Quote: “The person who is for you is the person who wants to be with you. If they're not willing to try, they're definitely not your person.” (85:00)

13. Knowing ‘The One’ and Soulmates

• Quinlan: “The one is the one that you choose ... whose natural essence complements yours in a way that makes love and growth a little bit easier. ...If you can’t be your partner’s biggest fan…you’ve chosen the wrong person.” (70:32)

14. Self-Reflection: The Partner as a Mirror

• Prompt: “How would you feel if someone said they can tell how much you love yourself by the partner you’ve chosen?” (57:30)
• Advice: “Dating is about discernment; marriage is about devotion.” (59:42)

15. Practical Advice for Conflict and Emotional Connection

• Direct Communication: Don’t dismiss overt requests. If your partner tells you exactly what they want/need to hear, do it—no loss of authenticity, just more alignment. (81:59)
• Jay’s Example: Both partners become more present and responsible for their own growth and communication. (52:06-54:24)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Quinlan: "You shouldn’t go grocery shopping when you’re starving...That, in my opinion, applies to dating and relationships as well." (03:49)
• Jay: “The idea that we have to be fully formed, fully complete, fully perfect before we meet someone doesn’t really add up.” (09:01)
• Quinlan: "If you experience [the obsessive spark] enough times, it'll be a pattern. ...You shouldn't feel like the ground falls from underneath you when you're with them or not near them, or uncertain about what's going to happen." (29:39)
• Quinlan: "Love is an action. Love is consideration, yes, but not consideration beyond someone's capacity. ...That's a parent-child dynamic, not an adult-adult partnership." (18:26)
• Jay: “I always just feel like…the more I take responsibility for how I need to change and the more she takes responsibility for how she needs to change, the better our relationship gets.” (54:24)
• Quinlan: “Don't order what's not on the menu. ...Don't get into a relationship expecting to change that about someone. It's not fair to them, it's not fair to you.” (30:24)
• Quinlan: “The only people who are upset with your boundaries are the very same people who directly benefit from you not having any.” (65:57)
• Quinlan: "The one is the one that you choose...You want someone in your corner on your worst days, on your best days, and you want to feel like you’re on the same team." (70:32)
• Jay: “You don’t mess up your living room just because someone messy is coming over. ...I’m not gonna match that energy.” (93:22)

Key Timestamps

• 02:24 – Podcast proper begins, Jay introduces Quinlan
• 03:49 – Difference between wanting/ready for a relationship ("Don’t go dating when starving")
• 06:49 – Four Cs of self-trust
• 11:01 – Relationships are about growth, not just comfort/pleasure
• 14:21 – Emotional safety in relationships
• 15:42 – Handling feedback: black/white vs. nuanced communication
• 23:27 – Dating burnout and what to do about it
• 27:11 – The spark: is it real and does it matter?
• 30:18 – Chemistry vs. compatibility
• 36:14 – Love as a feeling vs. love as an action
• 42:41 – Family-of-origin patterns and healing her mother-daughter relationship
• 57:30 – "How much you love yourself is reflected in your chosen partner"
• 59:42 – “Dating is about discernment; marriage is about devotion”
• 65:57 – Boundaries: why they're important and how to set them
• 83:41 – How to move on after heartbreak
• 90:06 – Quinlan’s history with heartbreak and grief
• 92:27-96:49 – Final five (best/worst advice, changing beliefs, values, and the one law for humanity)

For Listeners: Actionable Takeaways

• Don’t date from desperation; build self-trust and self-compassion first.
• Love is more about actions than just feelings.
• Compatibility is about values and vision, not similarity in hobbies.
• You can’t force or “hold” someone accountable for change—they must want it.
• Boundaries are rules for yourself, not tools to try to control others.
• Reflect on the patterns you carry from family into your relationships; healing is possible, with or without that parent.
• Moving on after heartbreak means accepting small steps forward and focusing on building the life you want, not rushing to 'get over it.'
• Your chosen partner reflects your own level of self-love—let that be a mirror, not a condemnation.
• In conflict, focus on clear, loving communication. Don't expect perfection; aim for progress and directness.
• Above all, strive to be your partner’s biggest fan—and choose partners who mirror that back.

For Further Reflection:
Quinlan’s challenge: "How much do you love yourself? Look at the partner you’ve chosen. Does the answer feel like a compliment or a nudge for change?" (57:30)

Connect with Q:
@quinlanwalther on all social platforms (per Jay’s recommendation)

Share this episode if you know anyone struggling in love, dating, or heartbreak – this could be a turning point on their journey.