Podcast Summary

On Purpose with Jay Shetty

Episode: Relationship Expert Thais Gibson: Do You Keep Attracting The Same Emotionally Unavailable Partner? (Use THIS Attachment Reset To Break The Cycle And Choose Better Partners)
Date: February 18, 2026
Guest: Thais Gibson, Founder of Personal Development School, Creator of Integrated Attachment Theory
Host: Jay Shetty

Episode Overview

Jay Shetty welcomes Thais Gibson, a foremost authority on attachment theory and relationships, for a deep dive into why we keep attracting emotionally unavailable partners, how attachment styles shape the way we love, and—most importantly—how to break destructive patterns. The episode aims to equip listeners with a practical, step-by-step process to “reset” their attachment style, build secure self-relationships, and choose healthier partners.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Attachment Theory 101: Whys & Whats

• Attachment styles matter because they shape our subconscious patterns in relationships, with deep roots in childhood experiences.
• The Four Attachment Styles:
  • Secure Attachment (≈50%): Develops when parents are consistently emotionally attuned. Adults feel worthy of love and have healthy relationships.

    "They report not just having the longest lasting relationships, but the most satisfaction in their relationships." — Thais Gibson [05:57]

  • Anxious Attachment: Stems from real or perceived abandonment; adults are people-pleasers, fear rejection, and often chase emotionally unavailable partners.
  • Dismissive-Avoidant: Grows from childhood emotional neglect (not abuse, but emotional unavailability); adults repress needs, fear vulnerability, and set rigid boundaries.
  • Fearful-Avoidant: Created by inconsistent, often chaotic caregivers (substance abuse, unpredictability); adults view love as both rewarding and dangerous, resulting in hot-cold relationship patterns.

Notable Analogy:

"If you go into the woods tomorrow and you see a bear ... next time, you brace for the bear. We all do that with our triggers—childhood wounds projected into adult relationships." — Thais Gibson [12:00]

2. Why We Attract the Wrong Partners

• Familiarity Bias: The subconscious mind (95–97% of our programming) equates familiarity with safety—so we are drawn to partners who feel "familiar," even if the dynamic is unhealthy.
• Pattern Repetition:
  • Anxious types chase avoidance, mirroring their own self-dismissal.
  • Dismissive types end up with partners who rely heavily on them, echoing their own hyper-individualism.

Notable Quote:

"You can say that you want the healthiest relationship... but you’ll often find yourself with someone who checks all the boxes, and you’re just not attracted. Because your subconscious isn’t ready." — Thais Gibson [22:22]

3. The Five Pillars for Resetting Your Attachment & Breaking the Cycle

Thais outlines a structured 5-step reprogramming model:

Pillar 1: Rewire Core Wounds

• Identify your main trigger (e.g., “I’m not good enough”).
• Use opposites (“I am good enough”), emotional memories, and daily recorded affirmations in a relaxed state for 21 days.
  • Example: Recall 10 small moments you felt good enough, record yourself affirming, listen in a meditative state.

Quote:

“Affirmations are conscious. The subconscious speaks in images and emotions—so you need to repeat emotion and imagery, not just words.” — Thais Gibson [27:00]

[Timestamps: 24:31–30:46]

Pillar 2: Meeting Your Own Needs (Self-Sourcing)

• Audit unmet childhood needs (validation, presence, protection).
• Practice giving those needs to yourself daily (e.g., self-validation via listing three "wins" per day).
• Over time, self-sourcing becomes natural, shifting relationship dynamics.

Quote:

“Healing really happens when we become our own parents.” — Thais Gibson [40:02]

[Timestamps: 35:28–43:40]

Pillar 3: Nervous System Regulation

• Insecurely attached people live in chronic fight-or-flight.
• Learn to identify and witness bodily sensations linked to emotions (somatic processing), use breathwork, meditation, and daily nervous system "completion" practices.
• This builds emotional self-attunement and self-regulation.

Quote:

“Each insecure style struggles to identify emotions—a mild dissociation. Somatic witnessing brings you back to yourself.” — Thais Gibson [44:00]

[Timestamps: 43:43–48:54]

Pillar 4: Communication

• Once you know your needs and wounds, communicate using the “feeling-need-picture” framework.
  1. Express feeling and validate each other.
  2. State your need.
  3. Paint a specific picture of what would meet that need.
• Avoid “negative framing”—behind every criticism is just a need.
• Practice constructive, non-accusatory dialogue even with opposite styles (e.g., anxious + avoidant pairs).

Quote:

“Behind every criticism is just a need... Convert your criticism into a need, paint a picture—otherwise, it gets lost in translation.” — Thais Gibson [52:44]

[Timestamps: 48:54–55:35]

Pillar 5: Healthy Boundaries

• Audit your boundaries in all life domains.
• Identify fears around setting boundaries (e.g., fear of abandonment).
• Practice "exposure": start with small boundaries in safe relationships and build up through daily reps.
• Each attachment style struggles with boundaries differently (anxious types have none, avoidants set walls, fearful avoidants cycle between the two).

Quote:

“Intellectualizing boundaries isn’t enough. If your subconscious mind says boundaries = unsafe, you’ll clam up. You have to rewire that first.” — Thais Gibson [58:12]

[Timestamps: 55:35–62:19]

4. Attachment Styles in Action: Relationship Scenarios

• Anxious-Avoidant Cycle:
  Communicate needs clearly, paint a picture, and show how both parties’ needs are reasonable and can coexist.
• If Only One Person Is Doing the Work:
  Lead by example—90% of partners eventually join, but set a time limit. If they never engage, consider leaving, as one person can't do all the emotional labor.
• Dealing with Love Bombing:
  Strong early affection can signal either narcissism (test with boundaries; narcissists hate them) or insecure attachment (who will honor boundaries).
• “Fixer” Trap:
  Secure partners often try to “fix” anxious ones, but lasting change requires self-regulation and responsibility from both.
• Breakups & Grief:
  Grieving a breakup is about (1) losing needs your partner met and (2) losing the part of yourself you expressed with them. Heal by self-sourcing and reclaiming those aspects.
  • “Grief is love with nowhere to go.” — [95:00]

[Timestamps for scenarios: 66:25–88:15, 90:28–94:56]

5. Dealing with Uncertainty & Growth in Relationships

• There’s no such thing as 100% certainty about your partner; strong relationships are grown and deepened stage-by-stage, especially through the “power struggle” phase.
• Long-term love develops when both partners are willing to learn from one another's strengths, not simply try to change each other.

Quotes:

“Real love is built in the power struggle stage... you deepen roots in love in a different way.” — Thais Gibson [99:06]
“The best thing is when the best parts of you both rub off on each other and the worst parts don’t.” — Jay Shetty [82:22]

Notable Quotes & Highlights (with Timestamps)

• On identifying with attachment styles:

  “People are just identifying with it almost as a label, rather than going... here are my patterns, where do they come from, and how do I actually rewire them at the subconscious level?” — Thais Gibson [03:36]

• On change:

  “You can’t will yourself into a new pattern. You have to recondition at the subconscious level.” — Thais Gibson [12:54]

• On attraction and the subconscious:

  “We are not going to be attracted to the right people according to our conscious mind’s evaluation... Until we do that inner work.” — Thais Gibson [22:57]

• Attachment is a map, not a sentence:

  “This conversation can actually give people a map to make sense of their emotions and even the people they meet.” — Jay Shetty [19:23]

• On tackling grief:

  “When we go through a breakup, it’s grief... Loss of the needs someone met, and the part of ourselves we got to express with them.” — Thais Gibson [90:59]

• On closure:

  “Closure from yourself, through and through. What you’re looking for is certainty—best way is to question the stories you tell yourself after the breakup.” — Thais Gibson [107:42]

Actionable Takeaways

• Stop over-identifying with your attachment style; see it as an opportunity—and responsibility—for healing.
• Rewire negative core beliefs with daily emotional imagery and repetition.
• Meet your own needs first (“self-source” validation, presence, protection).
• Learn to regulate emotions and your nervous system before overly relying on partners.
• Communicate clearly by expressing feelings, stating needs, and specifying solutions.
• Set and practice healthy boundaries incrementally and rewire fears tied to them.
• Use early dating as a space to vet partners, express needs, and set boundaries—don’t ignore red flags.

Memorable Moments

• Thais’s transparency about her own journey: Her struggles with addiction revealed the importance of working at the subconscious level and drove her to develop reprogramming techniques.
• Jay & Thais’s mutual insight: On how they’ve seen the best in themselves develop through learning from their partners, not by fixing but by example and humility.

  “The humility to not teach—and the humility to learn.” — Jay Shetty [84:24]

• Powerful reframing of grief and closure, providing listeners practical scripts and reassuring perspective.

Chapter Guide (Key Timestamps)

• 02:05 | Introduction to Attachment Styles
• 06:54 | Insecure Styles and Their Roots
• 19:23 | Recognizing Patterns in Ourselves & Others
• 24:31 | The Five Pillars of Attachment Healing
  • 1. Rewiring Core Wounds
  • 2. Meeting Your Own Needs
  • 3. Nervous System Regulation
  • 4. Communication
  • 5. Boundaries
• 66:25 | Handling Real-Life Relationship Scenarios
• 90:28 | How to Heal After a Breakup, Grief, and Getting Over Someone
• 96:47 | Should You Feel 100% Sure About Your Partner?
• 104:21 | Rapid-fire “This or That” Relationship Questions

Additional Resources

• Thais Gibson’s book: The New Attachment Theory: Heal Every Relationship by Rewiring Your Brain and Nervous System
• Website: personaldevelopmentschool.com – Quizzes, courses, attachment style reports

In the Words of the Experts

“If I am irritated by every rub, how will I ever be polished?” — Rumi (quoted by Thais Gibson) [102:16]

“Relationships are not just here for love, they’re also here for growth. And a lot of that growth comes from being attracted to people who mirror traits we need to integrate.” — Thais Gibson [82:22]

“Closure you’re seeking from an ex is really certainty—the best way to get it is to question your own stories after the breakup.” — Thais Gibson [107:42]

Closing Thought

This episode provides a powerful, practical roadmap to understanding yourself and reshaping your relationship patterns, rooted in deep compassion, self-awareness, and neuroscience-based techniques. Whether you’re single, dating, or in a committed relationship, Thais Gibson’s framework—grounded in the new understanding of attachment theory—offers tools to break cycles and choose better, every time.