A (0:01)

Hi, I'm Marie. And I'm Sydney. And we're Mess. Well, not a mess, but on our podcast called Mess, we celebrate all things messy. But the gag is not everything is a mess. Sometimes it's just living. Yeah. Things like J. Lo on her third divorce. Living girls trip to Miami. Mess. Breaking up with your girlfriend while on Instagram. Live Living. Mm. It's kind of mess.

B (0:27)

Yeah.

A (0:27)

Well, you get it. Got it. Live. Love Mess. Listen to Mess with Sydney Washington and Marie Fon on iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. Our 20s are often seen as this golden decade. Our time to be carefree, make mistakes and figure out our lives. But what can psychology teach us about this time? I'm Gemma Spag, the host of the Psychology of your twenties. Each week we take a deep dive into a unique aspect of our 20s, from career, anx, mental health, heartbreak, money, and much more to explore the science behind our experiences. The psychology of your twenties, hosted by me, Gemma Speg. Listen now on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, y'all, I'm Dr. Joy Harden Bradford, host of Therapy for Black Girls this January. Join me for our third annual January Jumpstart series. Starting January 1st, we'll have inspiring conversations to give you a hand in kickstarting your personal growth. If you've been holding back or playing small, this is your all access pass to step fully into the possibilities of the new year. Listen to Therapy for Black Girls starting on January 1st on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

B (1:49)

Nothing has changed. We haven't got better. We haven't improved. We're not smarter, we're not wiser. We just think we are. I know that this is a harsh reality, but it's going to help us. This is going to help us because we're going to get 52 minutes back a day to invest into our dreams, invest into our goals, invest into our lives. The number one health and wellness podcast, Jay Shetty. Jay Shetty.

A (2:20)

The one, the only Jay Shetty.

B (2:24)

Hey, everyone. Welcome back to On Purpose. It has been such a brilliant start to the year. I am loving seeing how engaged you are, how connected you are, how many episodes you're listening to, how many you're sharing with your community. It's incredible to see your dedication to personal growth and self improvement in 2025. Thank you for showing up for yourself. Thank you for showing up here for your future and your success. This now we've talked a lot about setting up your goals, setting up your blueprint, understanding how to visualize. But I have to share with you something that can make all the difference. This week's episode could actually be the difference maker between achieving your goals and just missing out on them. One of the biggest reasons a lot of us miss out on our goals is, is because we're draining energy. We're losing energy, we're wasting energy. This episode is all about how you can stop draining your energy in 2025 and how these three habits will save you so much time. If you want 2025 to be a year, you attract greatness. This episode is for you. If you want 2025 to be a year, you have good energy in your life. This episode is for you. If you want 2025 to be a year, your friendships deepen. This episode is for you. Think about it for a moment. You can drink as much water as you want, but if it's not clean, it won't have the desired impact. And sometimes in our life, we can be doing all the habits, we can be doing all the tracking, we can try and develop all the mindsets. But if our energy isn't clean, if our energy isn't detoxed, it all loses value. I'm sure you've experienced that before, where when your energy is fuzzy, it seems like you don't have any clarity. You don't know where you're going, you don't know how you're going to get there. And sometimes, even if you have lots of uncertainty, if your energy's clear and clean, you actually have everything right in front of you. You know what the next move is, you know what the next step is. That's what I want for you this year. Now, imagine if I told you you could get 52 minutes of your day back right now. Think about that for a second. Imagine if I told you you could get 52 minutes of your day back right now. What would you do with it? Would you read a book? Start a passion project? Maybe work on your side? Hustle? Spend more quality time with friends? Sleep early. One thing I know for sure is that you would use it to do something meaningful to you. But the majority of us don't even believe we have enough time. If I told you to take 52 minutes out for something, you'd say, jay, I don't have it. I don't even know where to find it. I want to, but I don't know where it is. Well, guess what? Studies show we spend 52 minutes a day talking about, gossiping about, speaking about other people. 52 minutes. Whether it's harmless or hurtful, it is stealing time away from our lives. It's also draining our energy and wasting our time. Stop spending time with people who only talk about other people and stop being one of those people who only talks about other people. Whether it's on the phone, whether it's messaging, whether it's in person, we waste 52 minutes a day doing this one thing. The first way to stop draining your energy in 2025 is stop spending time with people who only talk about other people and stop being one of those people who only talks about other people. Now, here's the thing. Talking about other people feels good in the short term, but ultimately drains our energy because it often involves focusing on negative information about others. This continues to strengthen our negativity bias, which means we become better at seeing what's wrong with something than what's right. We become better at seeing what's bad rather than what's good. And we become better at seeing what's not working rather than what is. And guess what? That seeps into our own positive relationships, career opportunities, and lives. So many of us are wiring ourselves to only focus on the negative. Have you noticed how it's actually not that difficult to spot something wrong with something? I'm sure you've seen an Instagram caption and spotted a spelling mistake or a grammar mistake. Maybe you saw someone post something on the stories and they'd made a mistake with the year that they'd posted. Our minds are hardwired to spot what's wrong with something. Now, while that can be a really useful skill, it can be really important to protect us in life. And it is valuable. It becomes really hard for you to create something beautiful. Create something brilliant with that mindset. Because whenever you have a good idea, you'll always find what's wrong with it. Whenever you have a good plan, you'll always find its failure and weakness. And by the way, whenever your friends share their ideas or their inspiration, you'll be the first to shoot them down. So many of us don't realize how negativity creeps and and seeps into our lives through gossip, through talking badly about other people. And here's the reality. Talking about others can also lead to feelings of guilt and anxiety. We think, what if that person finds out? What if they hear what I said about them? I didn't really mean it. Maybe I just said it in the moment. I know that they're not all bad. How will they feel? How will that affect my relationship? And then we wonder, what will the person I've been gossiping with think about me? Wait a minute. Will they gossip about me with other people? Wait a minute. What will they say about me to that person? There is so much guilt and anxiety, worry and frustration that comes from this same experience. And I want us to become wiser to how much time we waste in this regard. Now we do it and other people do it because it makes us feel better. We talk about other people because it makes us feel better. But how can you truly feel better about yourself by talking badly about someone else? That's a fairly low bar. We believe we're doing well because someone else is doing poorly. Our marriage must be going great because someone's getting divorced. Our career must be going well because someone else is getting fired. Our health must be good because someone else is getting sick. It creates a very low standard of success for ourselves and creates a negative feeling towards others. Not to mention it gives us a false sense of security. Our relationship isn't actually getting stronger, we just feel it is. Our career isn't actually going in the right direction. We just think it is. Our health isn't actually improving. We don't actually know much about it. This superiority complex creates fractures in our self image and connection with others. It misleads us towards a better view of ourselves and an unhealthy view of others which isn't actually based on reality. This is what's most worrying. When you're in a deep relationship with someone who talks negatively about others. You walk away feeling falsely better about yourself. You haven't actually changed anything. You haven't actually improved anything. You haven't actually built a healthy, positive mindset in any way yet. You're walking away having negative lower feelings towards someone else. And guess what? That person doesn't even know drains our energy because it fools us into believing that we're on the right path, that we're on the right track, that we're moving in the right direction when the reality is nothing has changed. Nothing has changed. We haven't got better, we haven't improved. We're not smarter, we're not wiser, we just think we are. I know that this is a harsh reality, but it's going to help us. This is going to help us because we're going to get 52 minutes back a day to invest into our dreams, invest into our goals, invest into into our lives. Now, what are some of the ways that talking about other people drains us even beyond just that? 52 minutes. The first is people with a superiority complex often come across as condescending or dismissive. And this can make others feel inferior, leading them to pull away, disengage, or avoid interaction. Over time, this erodes trust and intimacy in relationships. Even if we don't know it, we start to develop this perceived arrogance, right? People feel it from us, they feel it from our energy. And if you're not feeling it, you're feeling it from someone else. You all have a friend that they talk negatively about each other. And then you start to recognize that they come across arrogant and it disconnects us from them. So it drains our energy because we're now spending our time evaluating someone else's arrogance. It also leads to a lack of connection. Healthy relationships require mutual respect, understanding and vulnerability. When one person feels above the other, it becomes difficult to form true connections. The person with the superiority complex may fail to see others as equals, limiting the depth of their interactions. So when you're talking to someone who has this, who talks negatively about others, you actually can't even connect with them that well. Now every moment you spend with them, you feel disconnected from them. You feel disconnected from what they're talking about, and now you're trying to manage it. I know what it feels like, right? When someone talks badly about someone to you, you now don't know where to jump in. You don't know whether to join in. You're now wondering what they think of you when you don't do that. All of this is a waste of time and energy. I couldn't be more excited to share something truly special with all you tea lovers out there. And even if you don't love tea, if you love refreshing, rejuvenating, refueling sodas that are good for you, listen to this. Radhi and I poured our hearts into creating Juni Sparkling Tea with Adaptogens for you because we believe in nurturing your body. And with every sip, you'll experience calmness of mind, a refreshing vitality, and a burst of brightness to your day. Jooni is infused with adaptogens that are amazing natural substances that act like superheroes for your body to help you adapt to stress and find balance in your body busy life. Our Super 5 blend of these powerful ingredients include green tea, ashwagandha, acerola, cherry and lion's mane mushroom. And these may help boost your metabolism, give you a natural kick of caffeine, combat stress, pack your body with antioxidants, and stimulate brain function. Even better, Juni has zero sugar and only 5 calories per can. We believe in nurturing and and energizing your body while enjoying a truly delicious and refreshing drink. So visit drinkjuni.com today to elevate your wellness journey and use code ONPURPOSE to receive 15% off your first order. That's drinkjuni.com and make sure you use the code ONPURPOSE. Another reason that this drains our energy is that it inhibits effective communication. What happens is we start to become dismissive of other people's opinions. People who start to feel this superiority tend to believe they know best or that their perspective is the only valid one. This creates a communication barrier because others feel unheard, dismissed, or invalidated. Now, you may not be the person making other people feel this way, but you might start to feel this way with a person who talks in this way. It's now affecting your relationship with them, which is affecting your relationship with the people you're talking about. It also can create a sense of defensiveness. Right. I'm sure you've got a friend where you're like, hey, let's not talk about that person. Hey, let's not do that. And then they get defensive. They may even say, like, oh, stop trying to act like a good person. Stop trying to act like a holy person. You've got challenges, too. And now it starts to create tension and friction there as well. One of my biggest concerns about how talking to people who talk about a lot of other people decreases our energy and drains our energy is that it creates a lack of empathy. This is a huge one that I want you to take in. So many of us don't realize that whatever experience you can't empathize with, you might have to experience it. I have noticed this time and time again where when I've not been able to empathize with someone's experience that I've not experienced, life brings that experience into my life. For me to experience it, all of a sudden, I can fully empathize with them. I was talking about this with a friend the other day because we were speaking about someone in our life who'd been diagnosed with a particular condition. And so many of our friends just couldn't understand. So many of our friends just couldn't understand why they were so stressed about it. The results came okay. The surgery went well. And I said, you have no idea of that trauma that that person's carrying now, that worry, that anxiety that comes with it. It's not just about the diagnosis. It's about the interpretation that comes with it. And what I've Realized is everyone has a challenge in their life that no one tries to understand apart from themselves. And therefore, when someone we know is going through something we don't understand, don't judge it, empathize with it. But when we talk about other people, like, can you believe it? They're overreacting to this. Can you believe it? Their life is so easy. Can you believe it? They have so much money, why are they worried about this? Can you believe it that they already have children? Why should they be upset if they've had a miscarriage? Like, these are really the things people say. It's really sad that we lose our ability to empathize with others when we talk about them without them being in the room. Don't say something about someone that you wouldn't say when they're not in the room. If you wouldn't say something with someone being able to listen to your conversation, don't say it about them when they're not in that conversation. And the truth is, sometimes we think, oh, I would say this to someone, maybe you would, but you wouldn't. In that tone, you wouldn't. In that way, you wouldn't. With that energy, you wouldn't say it to them with that kind of take. It would be said with more sensitivity. It would be said with more empathy. It would be said in a much more conscious, loving, thoughtful way. Think about that before you talk about anyone else, because that drains our energy and it drains the purity that you have within you. When we lose our compassion, we judge ourselves harsher. When we lose our empathy, we experience things that force us to be empathetic. Think about that extremely deeply. Another reason why talking about others with other people creates a superiority complex and drains our energy is that it actually hides our deep seated feelings of inadequacy or insecurity. So rather than us saying, yeah, you know what? I'm really struggling with that. I want to be better than that, I want to do better than that. We actually hide how we really feel beneath all of that. So when we're saying that, oh, can you believe it? That so and so's husband didn't take them on a vacation, can you believe it? That so and so's partner didn't turn up to their birthday party, Whatever it is, we're actually triggered by that because there's some truth in it for our own life. We're feeling inadequate in our relationship, we're feeling insecure in our career. But instead of addressing that, instead of really getting to the root of that, instead of being cognizant of that, we hide away beneath feelings about other people. We hide away just thinking, oh, well, everything's okay for us. But the truth is there's a part of us that's really yearning for seeking that validation instead of letting this insecurity be hidden away. It can become so powerful when we acknowledge it and say, you know what? I'm actually going to work on this part of my life. You know what? I'm going to take accountability and, and responsibility for this in my life. So how do we do that? The first thing we need to do is become aware. Aware of when we talk negatively about other people, aware of who we do it with. I'm sure you'll find a pattern. We generally talk about other people with the same people, and we talk about them negatively in the same areas. So the first thing is to become aware. Who do we talk about? Who do we talk about them with? Right. That's the first step. Who do we talk about and who do we talk about them with? And start connecting with how it's draining your energy. Start becoming conscious of how it's draining your energy. We have to become really aware of how we feel drained after those conversations. During those conversations, maybe you get off a call and you realize you've been on that call for 52 minutes and you go, wow, I could have done something with that. Maybe you get off that call and you feel dirty and a bit filthy talking about that person. Maybe you get off that call and you feel guilty. Maybe you get off that call and you actually just feel bad about yourself. And then that leads to low self esteem, which loses motivation and moving on. First, become aware of who you talk about and who you talk about them with. The second thing I want you to become aware of is what does this show about you? What area of your life are you not addressing and becoming aware of because you're talking about other people's problems? Often when we're talking about other people's marriage problems, it's because we want to address something in our own marriage. When we spend our time talking negatively about other people's career challenges, it's because we want to address something in our workplace. This is the second step. Once you become aware, address what it is that you're feeling insecure about, that you're feeling anxious about. Where is it in your life that talking about someone else is making you feel better? Because you're not taking responsibility to actually do better, to be better. Because I promise you, as soon as you do, you will see your life change, Become so fixated on focusing on yourself that you don't have time to talk about anyone else. If you're building your home, if you're designing your home, if you're improving your career, you won't have time to talk about others. If you have time to talk about others, it is simply stealing time away from talking about what's most important to you. Think about that. And the third step is take action. Take action on transforming your life. Take action on developing that habit. Take action on improving your relationship. Take action on focusing on your career. Because that is the antidote. The antidote to stop talking to other people about other people is to start taking action in your own life. I'll be honest, managing money has always been something I've had to stay mindful about. It feels like everywhere you turn, someone's trying to make you spend. That's where Acorns comes in. Acorns is a financial wellness app that makes it easy to start saving and investing for your future. You don't need to be an expert. Acorns will recommend a diversified portfolio that matches you and your money goals. You don't need to be rich. Acorns lets you get started with the spare money you've got right now, even if all you've got is spare change. Sign up now and join the over 13 million all time customers who have already saved and invested over $2022 billion with Acorns. Plus Acorns will boost your new account with a $20 bonus investment offer available@acorns.com purpose that's acorns.com purposec to get your $20 bonus investment today paid non client endorsement compensation provides incentive to positively promote Acorns tier 6 compensation provided investment involves risk. Acorns Advisors LLC and SEC registered investment advisor view important disclosures@acorns.com purpose hi, I'm Marie.